People Pleasing VS. Codependency In The Workplace: Recognizing Signs And What To Do About It

There's been a lot of talk recently around codependency in social media , or perhaps you've heard of support groups that may help people with codependency , and I've spent over 25 years working with people in these types of support groups that may help people with codependency , and I've spent over 25 years working with people in these types of support groups .

At the core it's an imbalance or a dysfunctional relationship . Codespendency is learned behavior and codependency , when it happens in the workplace , it often forms or maintains relationships that are one-sided or potentially emotionally destructive and really toxic for the workplace . This behavior is not new .

While it's getting a lot of attention lately , it has been in the workplace as long as we've had workplaces and it's been within relationships as long as we've been tracking relationships . It manifests itself in unhealthy relationships in which one individual excessively relies or supports another . Creating this dynamic that in the workplace can really stifle creativity .

It shuts down executive functioning , executive decision-making . It kind of just starts to feel like I don't know . It feels thick to me . It feels like thick and toxic and this could involve a relationship between two colleagues .

It could also be an employee with a dominant boss or manager , and it presents challenges because it affects how team members can reach their ultimate productivity potential and also contribute to the work at hand . Right , offering creative solutions and insights . It also bottlenecks and inhibits productivity .

It erodes well-being and it really does have a detrimental impact on the overall morale . So think of it as a continuum . Right , if you have being nice and I put that in quotes on the left , you have people pleasing in the middle and then you have codependency all the way on the right , and here's what this might look like .

Being nice is about doing something for someone out of a place of generosity . It feels good to give . There's no commitments attached . You may volunteer or help out at a local charity right , that's being generous and nice . You may work with a mentor . You may mentor a recent college grad , and that I also would put under the umbrella of like being nice .

Right , you're not doing it for any real exchange other than it feels good and it feels nice to give back . People pleasing right in the center of the continuum starts to get a little tricky . It's because it's usually done with ulterior motives . It's doing something because you want something in return .

You want an exchange and you have to accept that the barter of the exchange is in your head , because very often you didn't have a conversation , that the barter of the exchange is in your head Because very often you didn't have a conversation with the other person , no one agreed to the exchange .

You're just thinking , well , if I do this for them , then we'll become tighter colleagues at work or we'll be able to rely on each other more , and that might be . But if that exchange is all self-created , then it's in your head and you're doing something with the ulterior motive expecting something in exchange . And I see this a lot .

When people try to do things that I would put down as like extra and this might be the extra thing they do because they want to get in good with their boss Again , this is borderline being nice . But it's also because they're doing it because they want to get in good with their boss Again , this is borderline being nice .

But it's also because they're doing it because they want to get promoted by the end of the quarter . Right , that's the people-pleasing . When people fall into people-pleasing , it's because they want to be accepted , liked . It may be because they want to escape feeling guilty .

It might be because , again , they want to get something like status , a promotion , get access . And we think about it in a way that they're doing something to control the action of others . And I've said this before . If you're a listener for a while , you've heard me say that people-pleasing is a lie , because I'm not being my authentic self .

I'm doing something because I'm kind of conniving and manipulating and trying to figure out how do I get you to do something where , alternatively , you could just ask the person to do the thing , but you're doing it and it's veiled in this like sneaky people pleasing . So here's the way people pleasing might show up for you .

You try to be proactive and anticipate others' needs . You try to read their minds . You think through what you think they might want to hear . You say what they might want to hear . You anticipate their reaction and what you might say . You tend to think about trying to solve problems for all these impossible variables .

So it's like you want to do enough , but not too much . You want to be strong but not too strong . You definitely want to be outgoing and friendly , but not overbearing , and you know you're going to be firm , but you don't want to alienate others . So all of this is leaking out of you and the problem here is burnout .

You exhaust yourself because you're trying to become a mind reader and you also are doing this where you're not necessarily responding to specific asks or directions . So I assure you my friends , I assure you your boss , your colleagues , they don't exactly know what to get from you because they're like , they're weird , right .

It starts to ruin your credibility because something's up with you , there's an inconsistency , and it just creates a environment where , most of the time , people are annoyed with you because they're like what are you up to now , right ? Most of the time , people are annoyed with you because they're

like what are you up to now , right ? The next in the continuum is where it goes from there , and this is codependency . So when people pleasing escalates to codependency , this is the desire to please transforms into a craving to be indispensable to someone else . There's a delicate dance between the giver and the taker .

And look , you can do some researching around . I'm going to put some recommendations of things to read , if you're interested , in the show notes .

But it really came from the idea of the person who had a dependency on a substance like alcohol or drugs , and then the person who was around them that was constantly trying to cover up for them but also doing for them , but getting mad from them , right ?

That's originally where the work around codependency and being codependent started , and you can understand if you're in that kind of environment . It's really volatile .

You don't necessarily know what you're getting , so you're tiptoeing around , you're trying to please the person who maybe is the person who has the dominant control , right , and that's again where it all came from . So there's this delicate dance between the giver and the taker .

So the giver , or the primary codependent , is driven by this insatiable need to please , to support . They want to find their self-worth , so they're constantly catering to the taker's demands . It's a level of like over-functioning and you don't trust that the receiver right or the taker will do what you say .

So you start to control everything , because everything is always uncertain for you and the giver may be driven by fears of getting fired . It could be the run-of-the-mill fears like , oh , I won't be important or I won't be needed or I won't be a key player .

And you start going down the rabbit hole of despair because you're like , well , what's going to happen , then you need to be needed and that's where you gain your self-worth . So some key words and phrases around the codependent are controlling , denial , obsessive , passive-aggressive , low self-worth they sort of lack .

They don't trust people and they therefore can't be trusted again because their own credibility is shaking . But they're always changing based on what they think and they're trying to predict someone might need . And there's also a lot of anger there .

And when you think about like behaviors that show up in a codependent relationship , it's also going to involve , you know , the giver . They really say yes when they want to say no , as I mentioned , similar to the codependent I mean , excuse me , as I mentioned , similar to the people pleaser . They try to anticipate the needs of others .

But then the difference is they wonder why people don't do the same for them . Right ? That's where they start to get that angry , that ick , that passive , aggressive behavior . They feel safest when they're giving , because then it's about control . They feel insecure when someone does for them because it's like uh-oh , what's this person want ?

Because they're constantly operating from a place of ulterior motives , knowing that they only do things for things . In return , they feel sad because so much of what they do is about doing and giving to everybody else , but they think no one does it to them . No one gives that back in return .

They tend to abandon their work and their regular professional routines to help or respond to someone else . Their own projects and time management get put on hold because within the power struggle they'll look to see who else needs the support so they'll do it for them . They may get depressed by the lack of praise or compliments .

They fear rejection or firing , as I said , to the point of being like tense , aggressive , controlling . They take things personally . Everything is about them . If they leave the conference room or they leave the meeting and they come back in and they hear people talking , they are like wait , why are you talking about me ? That's what they're thinking .

Like what did I miss ? They must be talking about me and they have artificial feelings of self-worth because they've helped others . It kind of like boosts their own sense of self-worth , but it's totally artificial .

They're usually workaholics and they pursue peace at all costs because they also want to make sure that in their behavior they want to control and make sure everybody is calm , especially the person they're doing this for . They're always asking for permission and they're often always apologizing .

So in its extreme , they may cover and justify for the person in power , and this could look like covering up for , like , an unfortunate client meeting . It can also look like lying on an expense report right , they're doing it at any cost and , conversely , the taker is fueled by insecurities .

They need to feel important , they are craving for validation , they are eagerly absorbing the attention and the assistance of the giver , right , so codependency only works because it's the co in the dependent . It has to be two people to tango .

So if they're often thinking things like well , heck , if this person wants to do this for me , I'll be happy to let them take on this , as long as I take the credit for it . Right , so they'll be thinking well , then you better keep doing this for me , because I need you to keep supporting me so I continue to look good .

There's also a little bit of like learned helplessness in here . So where codependency involves this excessive reliance on another individual , there's that emotional or physical support .

The learned helplessness is more of a condition in which the person becomes kind of passive and helpless due to a belief that someone else is going to take it on or a belief that they have no control right . It could be either way .

So I've seen this play out in which the giver or the codependent is managing all the technology and the person who they're doing this for sort of has this learned helplessness ? Because even though they've been trained , they don't really know how to use Slack or email or some of the basic systems , even though they've been shown a dozen times .

But they'll blame that there was a system issue or doubt as to why they can't do that .

I mean , back in the day , this used to be the boss who needed all of their emails printed out so they would handwrite responses and then their assistance type responses , and I assure you that was not a one-off , that was happening in rampant ways , seeing that like there might be some work to be done , that's kind of challenging or hard and it requires learning

something or doing some discovery work . And this is another area in which the person in the dominant position might expect the giver to do it for them because , again , they don't have to do it and then they don't learn it right . That's the learned helplessness . Okay , so I've painted a picture here .

So what do you do if you see yourself in this role or you are witnessing this play out and it's impacting the team's productivity and morale . All right , so here's a little bit of homework . One if this is you in some capacity , I want you to think about boundaries . This is about being intentional . First ask yourself because you can do it , should you ?

Are you the right person or the best person ? And I know you want to do it , maybe because you want the perceived reward . But again , let's pause and see are you really the best person for it ? Right ? So that's the first question I'd have you ask yourself . Are you really the best person for it ? Right ?

So that's the first question I'd have you ask yourself . The second thing is I want you to think about what are your preferences ? How do you want to work ? How do you want to collaborate with your boss and peers ?

Because I know , if you're in this position , my gosh , you must be so exhausted , it is so tiring , holding sort of the weight of the entire workplace , or you think it's the weight of your workplace that you're holding on your shoulders . So how do you want to work with your boss and peers ? What does that look like for you ? And then , what are your limits ?

What are you willing to do around helping others , around getting it done , around , going above and beyond right , that's that over-functioning . What are you willing to do ? But then also you need to be clear in what , when , how much . You need to be clear in that frequency . What does it look like ? What are the scenarios you do ?

This is how you start to relearn new behavior . And then I want you to think about what are your deal breakers . Are there unacceptable behaviors ? Or asked if someone's asking you to , you know , lie or smudge or imply that shadiness around an expense report like right , you start to get into a little bit of trouble there .

So what are the deal breakers for you ? And then I want you to practice decision-making in small bites . Right , this is both for the people-pleasing and the codependency and getting your voice back right and figuring out what the boundaries are .

Because you're saying yes and doing everything , there's the implied idea that you're not able to say no with ease , or it feels icky or hard .

So I want you to practice decision-making in small bites and this could look up as simple as I want you to start articulating your voice or your opinion on feedback on things , or anything from like where are we ordering in lunch to how do we approach the deliverable that we're sending in for a client and really put your voice there and not wait for others to

tell you necessarily what to do . And then , depending on how it shows up for you , getting help from a coach or a therapist would be very helpful to you . And then , on how it shows up for you , getting help from a coach or a therapist would be very helpful to you .

And then you know there's so much give and take and nuance that often happens within the giver and the receiver within the codependency relationship , that the players here have many self-generated stories in their heads .

Right , one person changes the rules or behaves differently and then there can be like a toxic cycle that starts the tension , the miscommunication , the sketchiness , the caginess on things . So when everyone starts to avoid the players , this is going to have an impact on the team's goals and professional growth .

So you , as a leader , if you're watching this play out and it's impacting productivity , here's what you can consider doing . One , you have to stick to the facts . There cannot be story , there cannot be opinions . You need to show how it's impacting others .

So the first thing I would do is , like really reflect on your intentions before taking any action , like what motives do you have for addressing the issue ? You know , one of the things that we often tell the codependent to do is like does it need to be said ? Does it need to be said by you ? And does it need to be said by you right now ?

Those are some things that you can apply for yourself here , because you want to make sure that , if you're the one who's doing it , that your intentions are pure about promoting a healthier work environment that not only supports well-being , but make sure that we're reducing conflict .

Next , obviously , choosing the right timing and setting in the intensity of a high stress situation where you're seeing it play out , is not the time to address this right , it's finding another time where people are going to be more receptive and in a private setting . And I really would say to be more receptive and in a private setting .

And I really would say if you're in a leadership position , this should not be done in front of others , it should just be with the parties involved .

And then , next , I want you to highlight the impact right this is going back to the story Clearly articulate the negative consequences of this behavior on individual and team growth , the dynamics , the organizational success on individual and team growth , the dynamics , the organizational success .

This is where you really want to emphasize the importance of fostering autonomy , mutual respect and accountability in the workplace .

Right , and lastly , stay out of the gossip . My friends Do not like get sucked into the gossip in this area , because when you're having the charge giver and the receiver and the codependency , this is again where it can get really intense .

And just staying out of the gossip in this area , because when you're having the charge giver and the receiver and the codependency , this is again where it can get really intense , and just staying out of the gossip on it . So , friends , I would love to hear from you have you personally had to deal with this ? Do you at times yourself struggle from it ?

I think we all struggle from people pleasing occasionally , but when it becomes chronic and then slips into the codependency is really where we need to get some support . I would love to hear from you . You can always respond to any of the socials . You can send me an email at hello at jillgriffincoachingcom , and I appreciate you being here .

Friends , have a great week , embrace possibility , be intentional and kind . I'll see you soon .