Caravan Episode: Black Caps Vs England - 1st Test Day 2

No third umpire, no rewind, just raw dog commentary. This is the alternative commentary collective. Oh thanks to the great New Zealanders ad resin.

I mean, interesting thing to discuss.

Lee back out and if we're going to get into it now is what we do with Tim Saudi on his retirement.

And more importantly, what we do with his seed. Well that's right.

I mean we're saying to micro flame Jerry, that is a sense in which the DNA that is contained within Tim Saudi, think about how valuable that is. Think about how the technology these days creates options that mean we could use that DNA.

His works again bowling to Saudi, two slips and the shapes away nicely, but more swing this morning for the English bowlers. So far, that was a beautiful delivery from what it's full and started off stump shaped away nicely, drew south into the shot.

So we're not suggesting that, you know, he has to breed with anyone inarticular, but if we you can just milk some of that seed, and if you could give some of that seed back to New Zealand cricket, back to the game, and then we can do with it what we please, whether it's you know, using it to create a super baby of some description, a supercricket baby.

Yeah.

What another slipper now, three slips in a galley for Wokes bowling to Salia.

Goes down the track and smashes him down the ground for four. There we go. That's the Tim Sauvi that we know and love.

Yeah, a little kind of a little skip down the wicket and he got didn't quite get all of it though, did he But it's still down to four down in mid on.

Do you think they'll have a target in mind today?

I mentioned this morning potentially three fifty, I think, just as a an arbitrary type target. But during is saying this morning, what's the average first thing score at Hagley?

To eighty seven? Wow, so they've already surpassed that. A Smokes comes in again, Boles to Sui. This one shapes away again Sow he plays it from the crease to gully and there's no run.

First thing runs always so crucial.

I often find when we look back at a at a Test match loss with New Zealand, oftentimes will say we lost it in that first innings. We didn't quite score enough runs. And that's always one that comes back to haunt us. You can play yourself back into the match, but at some point you're going to be how to account with your runs. So these runs really are crucial.

So Howie's fourteen Phillips is forty two ball of the overcoming up from Wokes. So Howie again plays from the crees, drives it into the gap at cover. I'll just get one, so stay on strike for the next over saw. He moves to fifteen New Zealand three twenty five for eight.

Can we still use Sir Richard Hadley's seed? That's a good question, is isn't it.

I did hang out with Sir Richard recently at his place in Pegasus and christ Church. I understand he may have had a prostrate operation recently. I know he definitely has had a couple of hip replacements. Yeah, he's also had a little bit of a it's a couple of heart issues.

I feel like he may have had prostate cancer. Yes, so maybe not? Okay, how does that work?

Can you still go into the testes and grab sperm from someone who's had prostate cancer?

I'm pretty sure it's medically possible.

Yeah.

Well, I think consent issues are our biggest problem with this ploe guy thinking.

Well, I think if you can go in and grab the sperm, I don't see why he wouldn't be into it, to be.

Honest, really, Yeah, that's your read on him. Yeah, he's that kind of guy, I think.

So that's good for the game. He's cast bowling to Sauvi.

This is high and there it's pulled away and there's a man coming around underneath it from.

Midwork and that is the end of Saudi.

Was always gonna be as Innings was always going to win like that, wasn't it, backing away and looking to hike it over cow corner and falling into the trap.

There was two men back on the fence.

Wow, plastic, Tim SOUI, you don't die wondering, and you don't wonder for long.

How many bulls has he how many short balls have got him out over the years, Tim Southy.

Almost as many as he's bold.

I reckon, So it smashes a four and it's a single, and then he's gone. Tim Soudy gone for fifteen New Zealand three twenty five for nine.

So silver Linings, yeap Zippy will blaze. Now this could be an interesting phase depending on how long we can hold up the other end.

Willow Rock on his home ground, you can hold a bat.

Yeah, look willow Rock, He's he's no Chris Martin. No, he's not a complete bunny. He has got a bad technique. But he'd be looking to feed the strike to Zippy from rainbow for sure.

Poor old Zippy hasn't even had time to get set today. Is going to have to blaze immediately. But if anyone could do it, it's Glenn Phillips.

So if you've got going back to Sir Richard, if you've got the seed of Sir Richard, and you know he consented to have some seed removed.

Directly from the testing, what would you do with it?

Well, it's got to go into some kind of secure facility. And I'm thinking that New Zealand Cricket needs to invest in the facility that's designed to house the seed, the DNA of our best players for the future generations. This is let's not forget this is the aim of this program.

We're going to breed the ultimate cricketers.

We have a we have a reason in New Zealand to think about this because we're at a disadvantage.

It was casponding his first ball to Rourke a pace but about nipped off the perch and ro about a foot away from it.

Then we don't have one point five billion people.

Now it is from we have a base, the factory of great cricketers in this country we need to make to go. We've got we need to build that factory. Yeah, totally, we need to grow it. So some kind of secure facility. Maybe maybe all of the seed from all the great players goes into one kind of vat and then that's used so we never quite know who's who.

Yeah, right, it's just trying to add a little interest.

I don't know.

So you put Debbie Hockley in there, of course, yep, why wouldn't you? But would you do would you go more fast bowlers and batsmen? Would you go like a leir to Hugh Hugh and a locky Ferguson?

Yeah?

When he stock some genenesis, I think it's cart.

Steaming into a rock. It's got three slips in a gully.

It's from shapes away from o'rourkey to go through to the keeper.

Alternatively, you could just put that seed into a smoothie.

You could do. Could you be making money out of that seed. I mean, yeah, like horse spreading. Yeah, I mean.

If it's Sir Richard's sperm, for example, what would Sir Richard's sperm go for.

It's another revenue stream.

I mean we do it with animals. Yeah, absolutely, I mean it's lucrative.

Cambridge and Mada matter are built on the seed horses. Yeah.

I imagine as cast comes in and bolves to a rock shortly that's underneath it. I imagine that, particularly on the subcontinent, Sir Richard's seed would be incredibly valuable.

Oh yeah, oh absolutely.

I mean I think you'd be paying upwards of one hundred thousand dollars a straw for his sperm.

I think you might be undervaluing it. I mean really, it's there's nothing can replace it, and there's a limited window and a limited supply.

Now we know that.

So yeah, we need to get Scott Wennick on the phone. As cast comes in and this is outside the line of the off stump and a rock lets.

It go through the keeper.

Well, I mean, in this day and age, you need to diversify your commercial opportunities. You need to be doing whatever you can to bring in different revenue streams. You can't always rely on the broadcast like in.

The past, and the players can get a cut obvious lot total.

Look we're not saying that they are being chained to a bed and they have said seed removed against their will. They will get rewarded, significantly rewarded for their contribution.

Cars again, bonding, Do I rock this again wide outside the line of the off stump. Let's it go through to the keeper end of the over Rourck's you have to score. Phillips is forty two New Zealand three twenty five for nine.

And look, if this crazy program of ours was starting today, I would be going directly to the combox down there at Hagley and talking to Shane Bond. Yeah, okay, I'll be saying, Shane, can you join me in the this cubable.

I think it needs to be.

I think you're right, but I think within this factory there needs to be pillars. Like so one pillar there is Locky ferguson the fucking Marner Express, Shane Bond just pure Pace earlier to Hugh Hugh Pace and that is the Pace Division, just sending hate mail down a perch.

That's what we need.

And then you've got your all rounders. I think there should been all round pillar and then you've got your batsman, but potentially some super keepers in there, you could, you know Ian Smith McCullum edam PERORI.

Lead him on not so much, but you know you get my thinking.

You know, I think your soup you proposed you're super soup. I don't know if that's specific enough. When you're a gens you're right.

Actually, I mean, if we're going to do this, when you to do it properly correct and it is science, yes, spin but toy.

I mean some players.

The other thing is when you start and you sign a contract and decide to play for New Zealand Cricket. As Fokes comes in and Bolster Phillips is on forty two two slips, no Phillips goes forward, miss times a drive into the on side, no run, and you sign up as a young player. You just sign away some maybe rights to your sperm and that makes you a more valuable asset to New Zealand Cricket at that point.

Absolutely so they will develop you as a player as a person.

So you might think, you know your contract central contract might be say four hundred thousand dollars. All of a sudden, you're looking. You might be five, six, seven, eight hundred thousand dollars, depending on how much sperm you can produce. You go through those tests because as an ongoing revenue stream. As Wokes comes in again, bowls to Phillips, this one nips back at him, strikes him on the pad.

No run, and look we're not You know, your your.

Revenue potential goes on long over past your playing days.

This is the great thing about it.

And look, I mean ethical wise, look we could I mean there might be some issues around being alive and you having you know, simple versions of yourself running around potentially maybe onstead have passed away. That's when we can begin the breeding of that particular player.

I'm seeing some obstacles with Faro and people like that. They may have an issue, they may have an interest, they may not see the bigger picture.

It's emotional or big swing and a mess from Phillips.

But if we got this thing off the ground, Mike Lane, yeah, I can see a market like it could be in the future that other cricket organizations develop their programs and then we could bid. He's the only could say, look, we're going to we want some Joe roupe semen.

Yeah, we could. We could pay a nomenal fee.

For that, and we could we could trade some of our DNA with the DNA of other nations.

A couple of straws for a couple of straws. There's no different than the slave auction of the i PL. It's pretty similar. It's basically branding players test looking at their teeth.

Workes and again bowling to Phillips, this is down the leg side while take it in the end from Lolly Pope.

Making sure the gums are healthy, and then putting them on the roster.

Yeah, put them through a medical maybe get Morgan faye he fingers faith he just put them through their paces.

But if we have created the system, we're happening a can of worms there, because put aside of the ethical issues and the setup and the logistics, we're going to have to raise those children. So we can't just breed them and set them out to the world and hope that its cricketers. We're gonna have to front foot that we're gonna have to put them into some kind of academy.

Yes, yes, well that's all part of the setup, is the factory is, you know, from cradle to cricket.

Yeah, from creatle decrease.

Again, this is wide down the league side, I would say from oley paper though they will scamper through for think goodbye from.

Womb to wicket it'll be it'll be the world's first womb to wicket. Schemes are so so ambitious. Elon Musk level ambition. Actually, he's a great fan of breeding, says we're not breeding enough. Yeah, I'm not trying to do it manually in the analog fashion where we're saying, actually, we've got a technological solution, boundary pushing commentary with no pets.

This is the alternative commentary collective. Oh, thanks to the great New Zealanders at regime.

So only whose seed are you taking?

Well, you know, I'm quite familiar with seed. I've seen a lot of my time spraying around.

You've washed plenty of civilizations down the drain hole.

Well, yeah, mine and other people's.

I think it's a good idea to get it all out there, of mixing it all up so you don't know who's you're getting.

I think about that. I don't know.

I don't think that's part of the laser focus that's just a little little man soup on a situation.

I was wondering, should we be targeting us with the good asks for even through the covers, the call for two from Phillips and they come back for two. I was wondering should we be targeting the fathers of these players as opposed to the players themselves, because very rarely is it the players children go on to be phenoms. You know, it doesn't seem to be very common. I can't think of too many occasions where father son combo

Target some the dirds Williams and stad pets.

Cast with the good ass and too Phillips and defends this back to the bowler. What about what about a commentary team? Big who you're looking at in terms of you say, say, you know, looking at building the ultimate commentary team?

Seed?

Yeah, Leehart, obviously you'd want yeah, bit of a seed. I think there is some seed around the ACC studio, to be honest, scrape to the back of the chairs, you might be able to get some off.

We're not strictly talking acc.

No, no, no, we're talking like you know Blacaria Keith into Henry Blofeld and yeah, Richie you know and too, I mean a bit harder to might to exhume him.

Wow, yees.

Yeah, I'm sure it's been tried.

Fifth ball of Cars's nineteenth over and Phillips Philips across a stumps and works it out to mid wicket for a single.

So you know Rourke will just have the last ball to face.

I mean, I guess a lot of the great cricket has have become commentators, don't they.

Yeah, well not the.

Greatest though, not the greatest.

I mean you don't see Chris Gal behind the.

Mic, but he's speaking of slinging seed. I'd say there's none greater than Chris Gay. Yeah.

My devalues it though for us really isn't it if there's a lot of it out there? Can't really.

It's like a you know, it's in the Chinese start growing golden kiwi fruit illegally.

It's kind of just brings the supply, demanders and market down.

I think they're definitely a market for it. Get the seed and essentially the egg of some of the female cricketers out there and semin at some of the seed or potentially get you know mealy Cur's father, get his seed.

You Robbie Kerr produce some good players.

Has cast fall straight and fast can straight through willow raw and he's gone through a dak.

New Zealand's innings is over.

They are bowled all out for three hundred and forty eight.

No glove just not called broadcasting. This is the alternative commentary. Can let you oh thanks to the Greek New Zealanders at resume.

That's promising to see as well. From Saudi the ball doing a bit.

Who would you be? Who would you breed with Saudi? Who would you put his seed?

Well, someone ticks there and I actually do like the idea of you know, a Glenn Maxwell type, you know, the type of player that you don't traditionally have. I was thinking even you know, a Stoliness or someone like this. So it would just be very valuable to the current New Zealand team.

Yeah, I know, I like Saudi into Crawley. Oh good delivery.

Just swung away from Crawley head to play it, beat the outside edge and threw the cowboy Blundell. That's a classic sixy camel delivery.

So is the idea for a super seed so you bring multiple seeds to you that?

No, no, not necessarily, it's just the seed of a player and an egg of a player in breeding an ultimate player.

No, it's not.

I don't think it's multiple players into a super sed, although I'm not sure if it's possible.

But it's a nature versus nurture conversation as well, because do you get.

A Barrett Saudi and to Polly again and left through to the keeper? Yeah, I mean we've talked about the cross code breeding. I think maybe that's down the line a little bit, and that's I mean, that's like a super athlete.

Really, that could do anything.

But I think if we just layser focus on cricket, we have a very small pool of players as it is, so we need to think smarter and.

Are we forcing them to forner kates?

O're doing it in a lab, it's all lab.

Yeah, No, I mean it gets that skin a bit of key.

Otherwise, well not for me.

Watching is the lab going to be based in Antarctica?

Thinking christ Church?

It's now the Becker Hagley Oval there and Saudi on the pads of crawl doesn't quite get as much swing as time it's excited.

Well, of course we could use the disabled toilets at the Chrishi at the airport. I think they've been known to connective bit of seed from high profile athletes over the years.

Yeah, I think it needs to be quite high security. Honestly, it needs to be frozen. We cry genically frozen, so.

Yeah, they could work.

It is an interesting experience, you know, producing a specimen. I've done it myself and afterwards you go up to the counter. It's just a regular sort of you know, blood collection clinic.

Saudi Crawley always swinging a message from Crawley with a wide one from Saudian through to the keeper. And yet you have to get it there within half an hour of making creating the seeds. So you do do that at home with what sort of paraphernalia you choose to do, that's up to you.

And then you've got to jump in the car immediately and drive down there and drop it off. And you walk into the clinic and you know there's blood tests going on, there's people going in with all sorts of things, and you go over the counter say hey, I'm here to drop off my deposit, and then she's like, cool, where is it?

And I'm like, oh, it's in my pocket, you know.

She's like, well put it show me, and.

You're like, it's in a sea through bag and a little like sea through container.

Were she disappointed with the volume, as in Come of Southy Gain he beats the outside edge just it's good stuff from Saudi good first over from him eat the bad.

A few times.

Well, no, she wasn't disappointed with the volume, but it's the fact that it's just another day at work for her, so she's not even worried about at all. But I am, and I put it up on the counter and this kid's running around. There's genuinely about thirty five people in this waiting room, and she started taking my name. You know, hey, what's your name? I say, Tony Lyle, you know, quite loud, and people are looking around. You're like, oh, yeah, what.

Are you doing?

What are you making you deposit for you?

It's yes, sir, and.

Yeah, everyone's looking around, looking up and people are just eyeballing my JITs and you're kind of like, how would you mind taking it off the counter for this conversation. That's all I asked is maybe can we discreetly get the cup of jazz off the counter?

And I feel the same of us.

If I was waiting for a blood test and so I walked down with the cubbages and put it on the counter, I would want to look at this guy's jizz.

Yeah, I guess it's easier for guys to make a deposit. It's not like we can just go lay an egg.

Wouldn't that be good?

Wouldn't it be easier? Probably don't understand how it happens from a woman, so.

Old peace, no projection.

This is the Alternative Commentary Collective, Paul, thanks.

To the great New Zealanders at max Ra.

Talking yesterday briefly, Jeremy and Becker around. Our experiences are different experiences at commentary school in the Upper Hut, which we all went through and kind of in the early two thousands. I was at a couple of years after you and Lee Hart, I believe, But who was your tutor when you were down there?

I was very lucky I had Brian Model and Jeremy Coney.

His scenery comes in again. This is on the hip of ducket up beat squearely egg. Yes, I was. I felt very privileged to have coney and waddle. It's almost like C three po and two D D two.

You know, I had what was coming in and out when I was there, but Ron Snowden was running the cutter down then when I.

Was there, which was interesting.

He's entry again to duck it, squeers him out, skews it out to cover, they'll get a single.

When you were doing it, did they run a lot of simulations, you know, like you had to commentate an over while stuff was going on, or they're trying to distract you, or you know, different conditions would come along with technical difficulties or just distracting. Like Ron Snowden's big trick was to run around the studio and the new trying to distract you from you calling a an over manage.

That would be incredibly the same.

It was very hard, and the in particular was quite hard because I had all sorts of wickets boundaries and you got Ron Snowden running.

Around, struck on the pad this time Bethel half shout but it's too high, possibly.

Going down leg. Because it's a fairly intensive course isn't it.

It's only yearning down there for six months and it's immersive every day, seven days a week. You're living in a in the kind of the probably say it now because it's not around anymore, but it's at the ground floor of the Avalon building, the old TV and Z building used to be in there, windowless intense six months.

He's Henry again going to defends down the pitch and run. When I was there and I was saying yesterday on the commentary, Jeremy Coney and Brian Waddell ran a very interesting tutorial around what to put in your mouth and what not to put in your mouth when commentating same that it's it's really not a good idea to have something in your mouth while you were commentating. It's a workshop and Brian Model had a part role play with it.

Yeah, there's a role play.

Going on between Wadel and Coney around because Henry comes in again. It's a good line that I mean, Henry just must the off stump. Brian Moddel ended up with a part of Jeremy Cony inside his mouth.

While he tried to commentate.

While he proved to us that it was impossible to commentate yeah, Jeremy.

Cony certainly seemed to be enjoying that particular role play. I didn't get that one. I didn't get that.

One well with Ron Snowden, if he could do it to himself.

Do you remember the one about deep breathing, like not being a heavy breather in the mic?

Yeah, yep, getting the phone calls.

At all hours of the night with hivvy breathing and yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was good.

And they try and surprise you, like they wake you up at two in the morning and you have had any sleep, and they take you down. They make you commentate a subcontinent game on no sleep. It's like it's almost like the Navy Seals kind of thing. They try and break you, whether it's through kind of strange SIXU works like you and well you witnessed to just you.

Know, trying to wear you down.

We'll put you off, so I'll come back to listen a second. Nathan Smith on debut, Who's got the ball? Good first class average twenty five point eight five with a good stroke rate fifty five. It's played fifty three first class matches already, bit of experience there. One hundred and forty four wickets.

Yeah, he would have played Hagley over many many times for Wellington.

Rip since Wellington. It's got a great little moulayana, a little bit of.

A slug, almost an Australian look about him. Here he is spoiling to Duckett, who's on thirties, coming around the wicket. I like that action, nice and simple locks and then fires.

Miss Field there from Zealand and go through for the single.

He actually a little bit douggy Bracewell, a little bit dougy, little bit.

Compact minus the cocaine and drink driving. Well, you don't know, yeah, I don't know that that's true. Did you get drug tested when you were at commentary school?

Yeah, they were testing every day, make sure that we took drugs.

That was the hardest for me was the taking of the drugs and then the commentary after there. Like I said, the simulations and the practicals were difficult.

Like mushrooms struggled massively under those. His smith to be thought, oh that's an absolute ripper.

Came around to work out it was a bit shorter, squared up methought good pace one thirty six k's an hour, flew through the keep up it did.

It was good practice, You've got.

To say, though, I mean we commentated in some insane states. Yeah, and I found that very very useful coming up, especially working for the ACC here later on. Nothing was a surprise to me after that.

Yeah, I was having flashbacks of one you were saying, you know, getting in quite a state. Just remember sort of flashback of just Bulls flying at me and having to master the catcher commentary phrase while ducking.

Bulls's Smith again around the wicket and it goes forward and defends no run.

I remembers.

The commentating a replay was almost instant dismissal. I didn't stand for that at commentary school. I think you got one chance and that was it. You commentated a replay, you were gone.

Just had fire.

And it wasn't easy because you're commentating off a TV screen, and I found that difficult, particularly on psychedelics. It's hard to know what was present, what was past, what was future?

Smith again buying to who drives can't beat met on no Run?

What shocked me the most in that six months I was in the same intake as Jason Hoyt. He was an adult student when I was there, and he ended up sleeping with Garth Galloway, who was the other tutor when we were there, and it was really off putting for most of us that they were in a relationship. And I felt like Garth picked on us a little bit more than usual, and him and Snowden would get up on us. Well, Jason knew was sleeping with him.

Smith again to Bethel, he pulls this away well over the top of midwork at that before was a little bit too short and it got a little bit too straight, and Bethel just helped it on its way. He moves to five in England thirty seven for one. I was interested because I heard a bit about this, and I believe that the review office I had something to do with it too. Oddly enough, Jase failed that year despite sleeping with Garth Gilloway, and I've never heard of that before.

Yeah, something went wrong.

Is Smith again to Bethel, goes forward solidly defends back to the bowler.

I'm going I guess you were a sets on all kinds of performance, though so not necessarily what was happening at commentary school which just wasn't up to the job.

And look, I mean not only was a commentary though, but well, a lot of the it was a history of the game. And I don't know if you got taken down to the basin, and I think you told the story a few years ago of the monument at the basin and what that's used for and what happens at the start of every summer which young commentators are involved.

In us fall of the over Smith to Bethel. He tries to.

Cut it away and he does so successfully past the diving Gally more So spens him over for Smith and his first and test cricket goes for ten England forty one for one.

Old Pete no projection.

This is the alternative commentary Collective, all thanks to the great New Zealanders at max ra Well.

I think the three two three six the photo seeing option has been disabled, and rightly so, after being absolutely devastated with photos of premiums and.

Urethras.

Yeah, we were out doing newporn for a while there. In terms of media genitally themed media, you.

Know it's bad when a create commentary has an AU eighteen yes or no button to get in to listen to it.

Smith again, this time to Ducket, right Forard goes Dockett plays it into the on side. No run well, I mean, don't forget in our first season, I think we had the acc Manchina calendar, Yes, and Manjina gated incident not too long was that the next season?

That's the next season though, right, I have.

There's so many promotions in so many great moments that almost into one.

For me, there was the glass on the ass.

You know when the Vanagina's isn't just one traversy, there's multiple Vagina moments that you're in quite deep.

Smith again bowing to duck it, who drives and a little bit lucky as he drove his hands got away from his pad and left a huge gap between Bet and paired sick inside age lucky to get away with that into the over fifty four for three.

I sometimes think the Managina was slightly ahead of its time. I mean, now I look at it. I look at it. I think, in these non binary gender fluidity times, I think, yeah, Managina, why not?

Yeah?

I think you're right.

It is incredibly progressive to do a Vanagina at any stage, you know, BYO McDonald's restaurant, anything, Jordan's party. Yeah, And I do think a question of etiquet when it comes to vagina, you get them a taste of both sides. So obviously you know, first of all you hit them with the front with everything tucked up.

They want to see that.

But then also just before you leave, do a one eighty pivot, jump up, turn around and just show them the back.

What do you call the back?

What's the technical term for that?

Here's that Rourke again, the Stone bowling to Brook. A bit of extra bounce from O.

Rourke. Brook goes forward, who.

Casually defending thick inside edge up into his body.

So I'm reliably informed of what you're describing. Tony is called the bulldog.

The bulldog at the back. Yeah, that makes sense.

And can I just say g Lane lead over to Lee Baker's ear and whispered that from off the mic. And I've never seen g Lane's eyes light up more than when remembering the term for the back of a vanagina.

Okay, here's that Rourk again. This is second noteve He's got none for eight so far? Is the Brook is on eight short and in the air from Brock through the vacant point region and down to the boundary for four.

And can I ask you something Lee is.

There anything that requires more conversation.

If I see someone doing a managina and an incredibly turned.

On, well it depends on who you think you need to have that conversation with.

With yourself, yeah, with your partner.

Well, just my friends and fun. I'd imagine I'll send them down and listen.

I think in twenty twenty four, why shouldn't it be turned on? I mean, what what's wrong with that?

That's good to hear, because definitely.

Am Brooks moved along to twelve or thirteen.

Here he's facing Punish roe Rock again. Benders back there.

It's a better line and lengths just outside off stump a little bit fuller flies through to Blundell took it just above his head.

But if we're going to do this promptly in twenty twenty four, we need a female equip lent to the managina.

And I'm going to say it's not the vagina.

Well, could it potentially be, you know, getting a sizzler potentially and sort of popping that end, recreating.

The male version. I'm not sure it's Punisher O'Rourke again too, Brook.

He beats him outside the line of the off stump as brook just goes forward and tries to prod it with soft hands fifty eight for three England.

This requires some investigation. Yeah, it could be too blunt and option some interrogation.

This concept the female Managina.

As it's the woman Gina leave it would beat.

The weeners.

Well, be wrong and call it a buffalo bill. I mean he was sort of my instruction to the Vagina. I think Buffalo Bill was the best time m I've seen one.

The common jermmy that makes even top balls sound good. This is the alternative commentary collective.

Oh, thanks to the great New Zealanders.

Add Max rath Tex machine back up and running. It went down for a chunk of.

The last.

Haven't seen photos, so just that you know, otherwise you crash itto.

Yeah, Well, to be fairly, Bacer did request photos of Managina's and I imagine.

That's red rag to a ball there.

I think the worst, the worst one we ever did, funny lie was brown eyed Broom.

Yeah, by Broom.

Every time Neil Broom scored a boundary, people sending photos of their brown eyes.

So it comes.

Soudy to Brook, it's wide and stuffs again and he's through the keeper and then you got a hundred, and we got absolutely flooded with rusty sherifspages.

Well, I don't want to lower the tone here too much on the broadcast, but have you a brown eyed yourself in the mirror. It's genuinely one of the more harrowing things you could ever do.

Well, how do you do that?

You sort of duck over a full length mirror and brown eye look between your legs?

Why did what made you? What made you want to do this?

You know you just gotta have a look at these things sometimes, don't you.

And it'll shock you in a very core. You don't know what you're capable of. And you see it.

You look right into the eye of sour on and you do you worried about? Were you worried about something?

Okay, I'm soudy into brock Brook. That cuts this one. And did sweeper turned back to you when you put the ring on your finger.

Oh, I did do on the ring and it felt like a turn in visible.

But you were saying that the mirror was on the ceiling of your bedroom and you had to do your must the head stand.

You roll onto the shoulders.

I didn't get up onto the shoulders on the shoulder blades. Actually the best way to do it.

You sort of seat actually right down your buttthole and out of the urethra, no like a periscope.

Get the angle just right. The mirror is sort of a line and sometimes.

So worry about what you get up to on your own any laugh you're doing a set of curiosity, is Saudi, Well, it's a good delivery. Just sneaks between bat and pad and just dribbles past the leg.

Stump, hence the cry from the slip cordant.

That's the thing the Bigges stand up comedian Glane is you know, I work in the nighttime and so got eight hours a day when what's at work and the kids are in daycare?

And a pass those hours somehow?

Did you often just the often just nude most of the day.

Most of the day, yep, sort of seeing what your body is capable of.

And so are you.

Looking at your own reflection in the ceiling mirror and then it's looping around out the urethra into presumably a mirror on the wall, just the.

One mirror so to see a glinter light at the end of the.

Tunnel Saudi Tip Brock.

The common Jenny. That makes even top balls sound good. This is the alternative commentary collective.

Oh, thanks to the great New Zealanders at Max Rath.

So does it go for Tony Lower Heart, Upper Haut or is it anything north of the Tony Upper Hut?

Only lower up Hut?

To believe rock into Pope, Pope back and across and defends to wide mid On.

So I believe there's some conjecture around where Avalon is.

Yes, the Avalon building is in lower Hut, not upper Hut.

Where's the where's the border? No?

I don't know, but Middle Heart I guess? Or yes, just hat was it Royal Wellington golf Course? Is that no man's land between lower and Upper Hut? What's the Hut valley?

I think Upper Heart? I could be wrong. It has the best value golf membership of the country.

Then comes O Rourke to Pope.

He wants to ramp this over the keeper's head, but it's nothing on it. Well, it's the home of Brewetown as well out there in the upper Hut.

No, that's a lower Hut, is it?

Sure?

Okay, it's the Heart valley?

And where's Stokes Valley?

Then?

And there's someone here.

Where Stokes Valley is Is it lower or upper? Is it in the valley? Is it in the valley?

And the grill isn't it amongst it? Sprinkled in.

From a memory of the silver stream bridges the gap.

Yeah, it sounds about right. I believe it.

O'rourkean to Pope, Pope back and defense to mid On again.

But I do love someone texting in to let us know I've made a mistake. We've got an official complaint at Radio Hodeck. You filling in on the weekend. When I said that Coldplay were all in their sixties, sort of just saying they were old. I wasn't help man dating them exactly. I was just saying, you know, there are guys in their sixties and they're putting on a hell of a show. And someone complained, They.

Said, these are you know, he's only forty eight.

This is an accurate Someone needs to tell this broadcaster.

And we had a bit of trouble when we are we age shamed Chris Harris.

Oh, it's a short delivery, good take though by a Blundell, and.

Pope's at full full splender here on the ground.

He's splayed open like a butterfly chicken.

Brewtown.

Sorry correction, Fellas is in the Upper Hut. Ah, yes, stick that in your ass. As is the Royal Wellington Golf Club.

Okay, he's ended up in a bit of a slut drop there, olipope.

Oh, he got himself in an awkward position, didn't he because he went to rampant and it kept following his mask.

Jeez. Sorry, And just one more text. Brewtown is an upper Hut. I was right.

He was not my confidence around the Hut valley there and I was unsure Joe Jury yelling at me.

Now it's a lower Hut, so Brewtown.

It's probably the best in Upper Hut. Next to the speedway.

Someone else's texting Lower Heart's and Upper Hut.

Speedway is quite good in the Upper Hut valley.

The speed yes way up the Hut valley. Yep.

Stokes Valley is a valley off the side of Lower Hut pretty close to Upper Hut. They're all Bogenhavens. Jesus Christ.

There comes O'Rourke into brook back and defense and they just grinding New Zealand down here.

That's the end of Rook's eleventh.

He's one for fifty one and forty six overs gone England one hundred and eighty seven for four. They trailed by one hundred and sixty one.

Just showing us multiple dropped catchers. The second session has seen ships sort of steady a little bit.

For England.

Forty six over is gone and Jesus we could.

Even get two work. It's here and then it's still a long way to go.

This is where you kneeled, Neil Wagner. Don't you get a hold of that soft ball? Just thump it into the pitch.

It's the classic chaos agent argument.

Isn't it said?

We've got Phillips, he's into his fourth over, coms into Pope to midwicket.

Where's run another texture? On three two three six? Hug girls are pretty grubby generally.

Well, it seems disparaging and I, quite frankly don't believe it. I can't believe you'd read something like that up but I on the air.

We didn't ask the question, though, did we?

So?

Is it just a statement?

Is it coverage?

You'll never leave even when it's outside the line. This is the alternative commentary Collective. Oh, thanks to the great New Zealanders ad resin.

Welcome back to the expert big adat Studios at Hagley Oval.

Coverage brought to you.

By Max Rafts on premium insulated concrete slabs. And it's a pleasure to welcome back into the commentary position Lea bakerp and fresh from upsetting some boos Matt Heath and then comes O'Rourke, leans on that. Brooke comes through for another comfortable single, runs getting too easy.

What's happening up at z B Matt.

Well, I just interviewed acc head g Lane about the cricket.

Yeah, you've got a very irate manager up there who has got access to a speaker in the studio in which he yells almost like a nineteen thirties forties German dictator.

Yeah. Wow, It's like it was like keep.

Back claim, Jay Light, deep back claim.

It just came out of a speaker in the corner. Yeah, well it was interesting actually.

Then comes O'Rourke into his twelfth over into Pope Fallen driven down the ground by Pope. It's a good shot just to punch down mid off. I'm not sure that it'll go all the way as Ken Williamson just gingerly runs after.

It, and they come back for three It was intually because earlier in the day, like just after one o'clock, I said, New Zealand really needs to take England around the back of the barn and pump a few shots into.

The back of their head.

And there was a little word to me saying, well, you know, it's kind of quite a full on metaphor you're using there, and then and then I was like, I think that's that's apped.

And then then you came in.

I immediately came in with the same metaphors and I thought, look, it's good enough.

For gen lane. Yeah.

I didn't stay around the back of the shit. I just said double tap them.

I actually sit around the take the old dog around the back of the barn and pump a few in the back of its head.

I think I said, roll them over and just two in the back of the head. Yeah.

Up on the pool shot goes brock out to midwicket. It's a big chase, further hairy rav and you will just pull it in and runs starting to flow.

Another three runs.

Hating this, I'm absolutely hating this, but I think that it is a legitimate cricketing metaphor.

That yeah, it is, just it's basically getting putting the foot on the throat.

It's taking the opportunities, and we didn't do that.

We didn't do that when we were one hundred and ninety nine for three, and then we didn't do it by dropping a lot peaper catches your.

Metaphor though that he sounds like you're implying that England needs to be put out of their misery, that it's our misery that needs to end.

Yes, yeah, yeah, I can see that. Maybe it just means walk up to them and shoot them right in the face, o.

Rourken to Pope again.

Pope comfortably goes back and just dabs us down to the vacant gully area for a single. Would you accept, levak, would you accept sneak up behind them and slip their throat from behind?

Yes, I would. That's actually right.

That is more what we want them to do, rather than help them out because they're you know, that would be you know, if you're, if you're, if you're you're in a test and they're still just batting for batting practice and there's no chance of winning at least, that that would be taking them around the back of the sheet and putting a few bullets in there at.

Least that metaphor allows us to do it under our own power, without resorting to tools or other implements.

And these batsmen looking at a little bit too comfortable for my liking O'Rourke and just a almost a late cut from brook but it goes to.

To the slip corder. I mean, this is horrible Brooks. Brooks sixty seven and Pope seventy.

Yes, he's so comfortable he couldn't even be bother playing a shot there.

He just left the bat out.

It'll still go to the ground pretty much middled it. Yeah, I'm still tiring one of my even looking he Matt Heath. We were talking about eugenics this morning. Oh okay, and we're.

Talking about Saudi and he's he's retiring soon and whether we should get some seed off him, some straws off them and cryogenically freeze them.

Yeah. As o'rour comes into.

Brook and all that's down to the excited and look down to fine leg thinking they'd be a bit of the DNA of his out there.

Turner's up for England. Yeah, I mean we're just thinking, but I'd like to say that his DNA is being spread around with a little bit.

Of reckless a band, and we're talking about the eugenics in terms of getting that seed and implanting it.

Yeah, I'm another fast bowler.

I'm just saying that you might be able to just find some just in the corner of the odd hotel room, ye or something.

We want I mean we want him to be involved with Okay, yeah, yeah, so yeah, I guess we're morally speaking he should be involved. Were just maybe thinking about we should get in touch with the Players Association and make it part of the central contracts. Yeah, so who would you like to see his seed inside?

Well, this is exactly the question, and it doesn't have to be inside. I guess you could take the egg a great New Zealand sportswoman.

It's a situation. Yeah, it's a lot.

It's a lot to ask and then maybe a surrogate because you don't want the person to stop playing.

We could basically make test tube test cricketers.

Yeah, the test a test match between nothing but test Tube players have been designed eugenically to be the best players in the world.

Be that would be huge.

They'd be like those those new Olympics, the games they're trying to do. The no limits Olympic Games.

They're trying to do it comes Phillips into Pope, was on seventy just shaws forward of Tom Latham. It shot on just then it just fell short of him. You could hear the scream. Catch that, Tommy.

This is torturous.

But we're thinking of crowding different silos within the factory.

I just pure pace.

So you've got the Locky Ferguson's, the shame bonds, the slashes, this one through the covers Pope. It's a big chase for the hairy Rab. You'll just get there. Well, the hairy Rab does well, but they'll come back for three.

So in the pace division you got bond, Locky Ferguson. Yeah, possibly, Sir Richard had Richard. Yeah. Can you get eggs.

From Sir Richard Hadley ord he and you can't not really farm eggs, no egg to mix with southe No, it's tough.

Yeah, the eggs.

I mean we're looking for pure pace, something like lea to Hugh Hugh, Yeah, you a paste bowler Yep.

It's interesting though, because with sports people they often have the opportunity to just choose any sport and they'd be amazing at it, So you wouldn't necessarily have to to get eggs farm eggs from just cricketers.

Phillips floats this one up to Brooklyn just well, does Phillips to do his own fielding?

Maybe not, But we want to push the technology. We want laser focus.

Yeah right, yeah, because you get Valerie Adams with Tim Southi and you get a bit of height in there, in a bit of strength.

Actually, that's not bad.

Write that down late Valerie Adams and.

Philips back and across and just guides it to point for a single does Harry brook But we were thinking we forgot about the whole nurture side of it because we're thinking about creative data.

You're going to have to set up some sort of academy.

Could you foster them into, foster them out, foster them out into sort of cricketing families.

You really need to focus them on there. I mean they need to be bowling bumpers from the age of two.

Right. It's nature plus nature and we have to be in charge of both.

Really, so what about some kind of stranger things type lab.

Absolutely, this is exactly what we want. This has proved to bunker.

This is proved to me this is a great idea because Matt Heath is in total agreement. It's just coming up with the same ideas we've got. So that for me is the test.

Yeah.

So it's sort of a highly secure bunker where you do horrific experiments on them everything to make them amazing.

Well, our problem is, Matt, you know this, Man Heath is our pool of players in New Zealand is tiny compared to who we're playing against in Australia, England, India.

So you've got to make the most of what you've got.

Yeah, And if that means we have to farm the seed of Sir Richard Hadley, Jim Southy, Lucky Ferguson, we've.

Got to do what we've got to do correct and what we.

Could do on the international stage if we could sell a couple of straws of Richard Hadley's too India.

I mean, look, we've.

Already done this. We've already done this with animals. We're world leaders in this when it comes to cattle.

Yeah.

Well, I was speaking at a Bull Seaman conference recently and the keynote speaker, there's a keynote speaker, there's a l O v yes, and it's amazing what they've done done. Well, there's something I'll tell you what some of the bulls have done that when when I went in there, there's like a it's a huge, a huge facility down there in the white cattle and you go there and and it's they've got a pool there.

It's beautiful buildings.

But when you walk in, there's a hall of fame for the bulls that have inseminated.

The most, the most.

And I think there was one called I think he had quite a pedestrian name like Gary or something, but he had done one point two million inseminations. Wow, he was just now that he has that's even that's more in seminations then probably even terms out.

That's that's shots. He's come up with one point two million shots.

Hold announce Nate than Smith the debutante back in to the attack.

What can he do?

He struts the pad of Olli Pope that goes down to find leg for a single, he's got two for forty six.

He should have the Wicked of harry Brook. See again.

To me, that's just proof of the concept. We're on the right.

Track here, because imagine if you could sell you know, one million straws of Richard Hadley's seed.

Well, what we do is we should we coming out to stud We've got to take a long term view of this, much like the Chinese. So we breed them from people like Sir Richard Hadley, sim Saudi, what have you, and then we keep reading them, Mike, until we come up with a kind of a super athlete Smith.

Or he gets the outside edge of Brook that goes two phillips at Galley.

We don't want to stop it just one.

There's no point having one child that's born of two great athletes.

We've got to then take that child like dog breeders, and then breed it to perfection.

Yea, because we need the scale.

Yeah, and we need the numbers to cover injuries and what have you.

Many codes and women's it's all falling into place in my head.

So slight change of field for Smith is a first slip and like almost a fourth slip is a short mid wicket and a short cover who were catching So Smith break type package she's running into.

Is comes in and Brooks just defends this to the man at full slip.

The common jerry that makes even dop ball sound good. This is the Alternative Commentary Collective.

Oh thanks to the great New Zealanders at Max.

Rath, I got a tree in my car at the moment. Christmas tree Yeah.

In it yeah, facal real, real, that's gonna that's gonna really stink up the joint.

Yeah. I picked it up on the way to work this morning and still in there.

Have you got some towels down because they don't have like steppy.

Yeah, it's a bit no towels down, No romance Raggs.

It's the came Smith who it's good bowling by Smith, just cramping up Stokes And that's the end of his thirteenth diver.

He's got two for sixty two. And I was just rammed it in the roar this morning. Was there any reason why you had to pick up this morning?

You couldn't just did you have to go to a specific place to get your Christmas tree or did.

You just well, I've got a big day tomorrow actually out on the water with acc Stall Jeremy Wales and his boat, and so I was putt in charge of getting a tree.

Is this the ro before the rock summon on water? Yeah?

So although the weather might not be good, so might they're good, so might be on land.

We could just go to the marina. Yeah.

So, but I was put in charge of getting a Christmas tree, and I thought the only time I can get it up is in the both of Christmas tree and and and else.

Wives is in the morning. So I went and got it today, because.

What's the deal?

Is it December first? When you do a Christmas tree?

Technically technically one but good in January? How big you go? Six foot?

Nah?

Sow the wine and slashed out by Brooke.

Now to cover point again he's just throws the bat at it.

It's not most allgant of batsman, but hes to eighty seven.

I've got a bit of a choad. Actually, did you get a chod?

He?

Did you?

Please? Were we talking four foot? Yeah? A bit of a four foot showed?

Did you Was that requested by the the better half? Or did you just go for the cheapest one?

I was sent to get a tree? But I think it might be one of those situations. I'm pretty sure whatever tree I bring back or there'll be problems.

Have got a base for it?

Nah, just a bucket with rocks.

Really you got a water it though? Widget behind the out.

Saudi and to Stokes. Stokes whips us off the pads out to the square leg. I'll think about too, and they'll get it comfortably.

If you wrap enough tit'sal around. It doesn't really matter if it falls over.

Yeah.

Do you have to water your Christmas tree?

Yea, yeah, man, Yeah, that's those Christmas trees. They drink so much water.

Really.

Yeah.

When I bought my Christmas tree this morning, this guy tried to sell me like some magic beans. He had a bag of special beans that you're supposed to put in the water that would give at the nutrients to keep it going.

I keep it going.

I thought, that's brilliant, isn't it. It's the upsail. So you bought a tree, and then they try and sell you the you know, the torture device where you screw the tree in.

Yeah, I've got the torture device. Yeah yeah. Is it the kind of tripod? Yeah, screws that yeah. Yeah.

So they sell you the torture device, and then now they've decided to trick you into buying magic beans to keep it alive.

Souy Into Stokes, who just leaves this to the keeper. It's just too wide for Into plays left well as Stokes.

He's like, the guys like all organic nutrients that your tree needs, just for another ten bucks.

And You're like, nah, I'm taking your chodiest, smallest tree. Yeah, yeah, I'm stuffing in the back of my forward focus.

I don't need your little baggie.

My grandma just used to check a disperine or an espirin into the water. Apparently that stops dropping its leaves, pines and needles.

I've heard dad, a sexy camel comes in to the left hand.

It's Stokes.

Stokes walks across this creasy us, moving around the crease by a lot.

He goes forward and defends to the covers. Yeah, I flipped between fake and real. I love the smell of a fake real, a real. You smell of a fake one or real one. You said titties. I just said you said just that me. See you said fake, Someone said titties. Oh that was the producer in your ear.

But anyone out there listening, you're the only one that said titties.

You are the only one.

If we.

Look someone, if.

Someone said the tapes, someone said fake and then someone said tedties.

If you go back and listen to the tapes. I'm afraid it's you. You're the only one that said teddies it's natural.

Surely the natural smells far nicer.

Someone said natural or fake, but I'm sure what we were talking about. It's clean enough.

Sally into the pads of stokes and looks around the corner, down a fine leg for a single, and again the game seems to meander on coverage.

You'll never leave even when it's outside the line. This is the alternative commentary collective. Oh, thanks to the great New Zealanders at resive.

You know that doggie Braceball recently got censured unfairly, I thought, because.

He isn't a you know, role model. Now you're on the nose beers. Was me.

He was on the nosebiers and they see it even though I had nothing to do with the game or the This perform performance wasn't performance dancing.

He was a role model, which I thought it was because they publicized it. Like if he actually was a role model, then then if they hadn't done anything, then no one would have heard about it. But but I wonder came Smith and two stokes around the work.

It's short and on the pool, it's quite timate, and it dribbles down to fine leg.

To row for a single.

I wonder if you know, you do your first test and it comes up with a acid, you know, three days into a test match.

I mean were they what are you doing?

It's highly unusual, I mean match whatever. The opposite of enhancing is perform many you'd just be scratching your head as you know, a drugs tester, you'd be.

Like acid LSD, Muppet Smath then two brook Brooks back and across and defends this.

But like, we know why that that came out because that happened in January of this year, and I think that's when he did it, and the results came out in April.

Yet in November we were finding out about it.

And that was purely an administrative thing because I don't think New's go on cricket that had lapsed on their retainer payment to Whitewashed Investigations, right, And it was a message from Whitewashed Investigations. And if you know about whitewash, but they ones that cover up all the NRL scandals. You know, the powder that was on the shield, that was the resin, that was whitewash, and it just goes away.

Can't just call us up and do it, you know, scandal by scandal.

Yeah, you have to give us on retaining absolutely and look for the Rambhilly shield.

One was amazing.

I mean, you've got you got rolled up notes, you've got yeah, white powder, No, what's the white powder.

It's plastic.

Yeah, it's plaster that it was used on the shield and so and Whitewash came in and they said that they rolled a few people out and we moved on.

Yeah, I mean it's brilliant, isn't it it is? It's I mean, NRL, there's another brilliant one.

Whitewash were involved in the AFL where the AFL were drug testing players for recreational drugs and then if they.

Came up positive, they were standing them down for injury.

So they were saying they'll give them a warning and saying take a couple of weeks off to cool down, don't do again.

Yeah, Whitewash.

Whitewash and drew up that policy and said drug test for recreational and then just drop them for injury for a couple of weeks and just seem to shot over their bow.

We got Whitewash on retainer for the sec No, yeah, we haven't. Unfortunately, that's why I guess why we're so raddled with scandal. I mean, you've been canceled recently. Whitewash could have sorted that out. They would have actually, then comes Phillips and two Stokes.

He's got an introduction of spin before the end of the day's play, but he just works it down the long on for a single coverage.

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