¶ Introduction: The Bugle's Return
Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. 4,338 of the Bugle audio newspaper for a world that won't be visual or indeed anything else if it doesn't get its act together PFQ at some point in the next couple of thousand years. I'm Andy Zaltzman.
And our philosophical question for this week is, if a tree falls on a shitting bear in the forest, but no one is live streaming it, is it news, gossip, rumour or lie? No one will ever know. Join me to discuss this and everything else in the known universe. Well, I'm delighted to welcome back to The Bugle. Firstly, from Brooklyn, it's Hari Kondabolu. Hello, Hari. How are you? I'm good, Andy. How are you? Wait. Why did I say I was good? That's a lie. That's a lie. It was very...
You know, because when you're a person with depression, you have to say fine, because if you tell the truth, I mean, the whole world would just end. But, okay. I'm fine, I guess. Right. Yeah. Okay. Well, we'll take that. We'll take that to start with. Also joining us...
But at the end of the show... You've been doing this show now, Hari, for eight and a half years, and I should know by now not to say, how are you, at the start of the show. I don't like the question. No, you're quite right. It's a very British... It's a bit probing.
Yes, it's probing and also fundamentally when people ask it, they don't really want the honest answer. If the world takes up my proposition that everyone should just wear a lanyard, stating basic facts, including their name, so you can remember people's names, and just I'm fine, or I'm not fine, or I'm really well, then we'd avoid awkward conversations like this on a podcast. Well, it's worse in the UK because you don't say, how are you generally? Don't you say, are you all right?
Well, it depends if we're being passive-aggressive, aggressive-passive, aggressive-aggressive, or passive-passive, which are the four means of communication in this country. And you can only tell which is which based on eyebrow use. Also joining us from Mumbai, India, it's Anuvab Pal. Hello, Anuvab. Hello, Andy. Hello, Harry. I'm reluctant to ask how are you, but how will you be in five years' time? Let's take a guess.
That's excellent. That's like an interview question. Where do I see my career in five years? There's a thing that you guys say in Britain I really love, where when someone asks how you are, you say, not too bad. Yes. I quite enjoy that. Just the right amount of bad, but not too bad. Yeah, I'm still alive. I was just... Telling Harry, you know, he's got a lovely, lovely bit of stand up about Mango.
And basically it's mango season in India where people just go crazy eating mangoes from March till May when it starts raining. And this is the first time where... I'm eating mangoes and contemplating whether India's going to war or not. So that's never happened before. But if you go to war whilst eating a mango, how sweet that war will taste. Correct. So, well, we will discuss this more later on in the show. We are recording on the 29th of April 2025. It is World Wish Day.
I don't know if either of you are aware of this. It is World Wish Day. I've made mine already, and my wish was to have... Hari Kondabolu and Anivab Pal on this week's Bugle. What a waste of a wish. You could have wished for anything. I could have done, but this is what I wanted and this is what I've got. I'm a bit wary now because my last wish... on last year's Make-A-Wish Day came true but was misheard.
As I asked for a really flash car, I don't know why it's not really my thing, but instead I woke up... in a swimming costume made of mutton with facial hair like a circus performer. The genie in question had misheard my request as wanting a Lamborghini Clowntash rather than a Lamborghini Clowntash. Anyway, Buglers to mark World Wish Day. Please, we're giving you one free wish, courtesy of the Bugle, so please make your wish in the following gap.
Well, that was your chance. Quick disclaimer, the bugle is not responsible for the failure of your wish to come true. The bugle is not responsible if your wish does come true and leads inadvertently or otherwise to civil and or criminal court cases arising from the fulfillment of said wish.
Your free wish must have been made in the gap, which followed me saying, please make your wish in the following gap. That gap has now concluded. You may continue to make wishes here on hereafter, but those wishes will not be demarcated as your free bugle wish. That's your own wish. It's much less likely to come true. Probably 40 to 45% less likely.
Subsequent wishes made while listening to this bit for a second, third or any subsequent time will not be validated. If a wish does come true, the bugle is entitled to 20% of any financial profit or any other category of benefit, ranging from credit for medical breakthroughs to international peace prizes. If your one free wish was to receive two more free wishes, your extra free wishes are invalid and you do not receive a re-wish on the first wish, you absolute smartass.
Don't wish for anything filthy. It's not that kind of show. Also, if your one free wish was for everyone else's free wish not to come true, please stop listening to this podcast. You are not in our target demographic. Made use of that, buglers. As always, a section of the buglers going straight in the bin. This week, we have the latest update from the NFL draft, which is still going on.
As we recall, and we'll be carrying on until the start of the season, the latest from it, Mike Plantagenet has been picked up as a 45th round selection by the Carolina Panthers. Plantagenet out of Nebraska State University. Well, they'll be looking to use the six foot nine inch, 366 pound huge ends. Just a mill around on the sidelines looking intimidating. Garrett Ilk Jr., the punt avoider from Chicken State. He's on his way to the Jacksonville Jaguars.
He's a 174th round pickup for the Jags. They're looking at using Ilk Jr. to fill up the Gatorade fridge when it's running low and book Ubers for the Jags mascot, Jackson DeVille, to get home after the game. Big two-way opportunity.
for Ilk Junior. And Torrent Lovestring, the inverted snout tackle from Votredame, he's been picked up in the 247th round by the Denver Broncos to analyse catch-up usage patterns on a hot dog stand outside their stadium. So still some big opportunities for the young college players. and we'll have full coverage of that over the next four months. That section in the bin.
Andy, can I quickly ask about the make-a-wish thing? Yes. I have a technical economics question. So if somebody made a wish for inheriting generational wealth, does the bugle get 20% of that generational wealth? I guess it does. If it comes true, yes. Yeah. So, I mean, it gets complex from a legal perspective. This is more than a podcast now. It's a hedge fund.
Essentially, that's always been my dream, Anibab, as you well know. This is merely a front for my efforts to become an hedge fund billionaire.
¶ Canada Rejects Trump: Carney's Victory
Top story this week, Canada says go f*** yourself to the American presidents, albeit indirectly by voting for its own parliament. The country that gave the world Margaret Atwood, author of the predictive historical non-fiction classic The Handmaid's Tale, has swung conclusively behind absolutely whoever was not the most Trump-like candidate. Mark Carney, the self-styled thinking technocratic banker's technocratic banker.
managed to lead the recently beleaguered Liberal Party to victory, having taken over from Justin Trudeau's Prime Minister and Liberal leader just a month and a half ago when the Liberals were lagging in the polls. The Conservative leader, Pierre Poliev, had been expected to become the next Prime Minister before. A, Carney took over from Trudeau, and B, Donald Trump and his maelstrom of mayhem made Canada think, hang on, is a pro-Trump, Trumplean Trumpalike definitely right for Canada?
now? And they came up with the answer, no, it f***ing isn't. So, A, well done, Canada. B, thank you, Canada. And C, those are two very, very low bars that you've crossed to get gratitude. And congratulations. I know both of you have been voting numerous times in the Canadian election to help Canada. avoid becoming the 51st state of the USA. Which is so absurd, the idea that it'll be the 51st state because the size of Canada, you can divvy up that baby for at least another 20 states.
Why do you think, Hari, that Canada is a nation of 40 million people with vast natural resources? It's in the top 10 to 12 richest countries in the world on most measures. Why do you think it did not fancy the idea of being the new North Dakota? Why have they turned against that alluring opportunity? I think it's stage fright. I think they like being behind the scenes. I think they like kind of not having the pressure of being part of the U.S.
It's like saying, Robin, do you want to take over for Batman? It's like, well, I'm not used to that. I'm used to being Robin. don't have any special utility belts, and I don't even know how to drive. He's always driving me around. No. It's stage fright. They're afraid. They're afraid of taking it. But that's, you know, I don't blame them. It's big. It's big to...
to be the new North Dakota. That's asking a lot. Alivab, obviously, Canada's essential rejection of Trump's invitation to join the USA has left the way open for India to become the 51st state. of America, and eventually, you know, through sheer weight of numbers. take over the USA and incorporate it as a small part of Uttar Pradesh. So, I mean, again, the pieces are constantly shifting in the modern global political landscape.
they are indeed andy in fact if you visit parts of new jersey i think it already has happened i think there is a significant takeover but this i'm fascinated by a different thing i don't think too many central bankers have won world elections and if i'm Mark Carney was the central banker of your country, Andy. He was, yes. And saw it through the COVID pandemic. And it is nearly unheard of that a foreign person would become the head of a central bank.
But Britain, I think, is quite open to who its central bankers are as technocrats. Yes, we've always been open to overseas people taking high positions in our country, whether that's manager of the England football team or indeed monarch, if we go back to the... 18th century and various other times for history. so that's the thing you incorporate skill sets and uh his essential from what i read his essential claim was that i was a really good central banker
It's not the sexiest election campaign, especially if they just had Justin Trudeau. But that clearly was enough. So that's how much they hate. Anything to do with Donald Trump, clearly. Yes. And in fact, the Conservative leader, Pierre Polyev, appears to have lost his seat. As we record, he was certainly projected to do that. I don't know if it's been confirmed yet. And to really rub it in, this is the Carlton constituency near Ottawa, to really rub it in, he lost it to a Liberal candidate.
who sounds, and I can't work out if he sounds like an AI-generated cartoon Trump supporter or an AI-generated person to make Trump supporters angry. He's called Bruce Fanjoy. And to even further... To even further rub it in for right-wing trumperants, Bruce Fanjoy lives in a carbon-neutral home he built himself. So... Anyway, for those of us who have been struggling with some of the results of global democracy of late, this is a better one, certainly. He sounds like a betting ass.
laughter laughter I would bet on that app. That sounds like, it'd be like cricket betting app. That sounds like, you know, one of Mark Carney's speeches, I was listening yesterday, he spent 20 minutes talking about interest rates.
how he manages interest rates and people were crazy like it was some sort of an erotic speech well I say everything is changing you know what people have I think there is a demand not just for sort of bland blandness i think people want active tedium now in politics i think you know going beyond just being a bit neutral and non-committal but that you know they want someone who can talk like a central banker about that central bankers talk about.
¶ Trump's Diplomacy: Vladimir, Just Stop
America news now. And we're looking more specifically at America and your president, Hari. The bugle. Stop calling him that. Why do you have to put it that way? My president? Just say the president of the United States. Your personal president, your inspiration, your touchstone. He's been busy on social media again. Now, the Bugle pride is often having hugely influential listeners in the world of politics. around the world. And it turns out that Donald Trump must be one of them because...
The Bugle has been taking a very strong anti-Vladimir Putin line for a very long time now. We've been banging this particular drum since way before the current... Ukraine war, which is more than three years old now. We've been taking it since that war was even a glint in a paranoid one of me Stalin's eye. And finally, our scepticism about the Kremlin and Gremlin has been picked up by no lesser figure than the President of the USA.
Donald Trump, who is not on our voluntary subscribers list, but may be an occasional listener. And he has finally got on board the anti-Putin train by posting a social media message saying, Vladimir, stop. This after the latest Russian strikes on Kiev. I mean, this is something of an about turn for Trump, who previously basically gone with a player's going to play attitude towards towards Putin. To be fair, Andy, he was getting a wedgie at the time when he asked Putin to stop.
I think that's very important to note. You know, it sounds childish, Vladimir Stop. It sounds like something a president or world leader wouldn't say, but people aren't looking at what FDR wrote to Hitler. Adolf, cut it out, or I'm telling mom. And there's precedent for this. I don't know what the problem is. I mean, he wrote the stop in capital letters, so he must have really meant it for at least the three and a half seconds it took him to post.
Post the message. It's pronounced stop. It's pronounced stop. I have a quick question for both of you, because you're both, you know, versed with the world of realpolitik and global diplomacy. Because then this is very similar. I've seen this diplomacy. It's very similar to an Indian uncle. after nine beers at an off-site in Thailand. So I can write down some notes for the future of diplomacy. That's where the game is going.
Can you do an impression of that uncle? It's exactly what Donald Trump did. Stop it. Stop it. Stop. It's just a noise. So the demand for Putin to stop, it's unclear how successful this will be long term. There is some talk of a short... ceasefire, although generally when ceasefires happen, they cease during the... The duration it takes to say the word cease, and as soon as the fire bit of ceasefire comes in, the firing starts.
That starts again. But, I mean, Trump must have been very disappointed after Putin launched this latest savagery on Kiev, betraying the trust and love that Trump has shown him. I mean, maybe... Trump is something of an ingenue at times. Maybe he's too trusting, too doe-eyed, too optimistic for his own good. He thought Putin was a man of his word, a trustworthy egg in the omelette of international politics, and yet he's been let down.
once again. So you can see why he's just glowing. More orange with frustration even than an average week. Well, he said that he felt that Putin was tapping him along. And by tapping he means tapping that ass. Putin's been tapping that ass the whole time. Yes. I mean, for him to come to the conclusion that Putin might not be entirely trustworthy, I mean...
Yeah, the phrase, no shit Sherlock, which is, of course, one of Conan Doyle's more disappointing short stories, and certainly the one involving the most litres of prune juice. I mean, it's... That's such behaviour. would only have been suspected by anyone who's watched or read or listened to any news at any point in the last 25 years. Maybe Trump doesn't fit into that niche demographic. But trusting Putin now...
After everything he's done in over 25 years now, basically running Russia. It's like Little Red Riding Hood, having had one grandmother eaten by a wolf. Then not only bringing along her other grandmother to see the wolf, but also a couple of great aunts and smearing them head to toe in a tasty Venetian jus. It's beyond naive. I mean, he's saying...
Basically, he's starting to not trust Putin. But at the same time, the U.S. proposed that Moscow retain the territory it captured as a way to... to to end the war you know the the crimean peninsula be kept by by russia so like as much as they're like questioning he's questioning um Putin's integrity, they're still willing to give them everything, basically. You agreed to let Russia win and then we're good. That's all you have to do is let Russia win.
When has capitulating to a European dictator after he sees his land through force not led to a change of behavior? Name one notable example, perhaps from the first half of the 20th century, that is subject to countless documentaries that proves this strategy won't work. You know, I have to say, the BBC News podcast I listen to every day is not covering the romantic angle that Hari has just brought up.
The fact that there might be something quasi-sexual going on here. I have a question for you, gentlemen. Do you think a former KGB officer who has a lifelong reputation of being duplicitous and specializing in such a huge, is actually like that. I think that's what Donald Trump is saying. He's raising a fundamental moral question. He's asking the question, Schopenhauer or Plato would ask.
I mean, it's so hard to tell. Maybe you can understand that Putin is so obviously, without wishing to oversimplify things, a baddie. that maybe trump assumes he's an extremely deep cover i don't know maybe he's i don't know not not i'm not just you know second guessing him but you know fourth guessing him maybe 100th guessing image. It's so hard. There's so many nuances in there.
¶ King Charles Invites Trump to UK
I guess the concern for Trump would be that if a good friend like Putin is tapping him along and betraying him, who else should he not be trusting? Is Elon not a real friend? Is Heggie truly capable of genuine love? Is Victor from Budapest really up for a two-week lads-only holiday in Ibiza? We don't know. And, of course, King Charles recently invited Donald Trump. to the UK for a state visit. Maybe he's invited him not to praise him, but to prank him. A bucket of ice on the head.
or maybe even to arrest him for treason on the grounds that he's basically invalidated the US Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. So America technically operates under UK law again, so under those laws. Trump is going to have the rule book thrown at him. I agree with that, Honk. Or maybe he's going to try and trick him into buying Windsor Castle by telling him he could turn it into a golf course.
Or trap him in a dungeon at the Tower of London by promising him he can have sex with the ghost of Anne Boleyn. We just don't know. We don't know what the hidden plans... All we do know is that the last time Trump came here, the Queen, and I think we talked about this on the Bugle, wore a teardrop brooch in one of the great...
The great subliminal messages that any sitting monarch has ever had, because you only wear a teardrop brooch if you've killed a head of state. And it was one of the most impressive things that the late queen ever did. Have sex with the ghost of Anne Boleyn, he says. My God. The thing is that Trump always seems like he wants to give everyone a chance, like even after he bombs.
a bunch of houthi rebel sites in yemen he was asked why he did that without going to the un and he said you know most of these houthi terrorists are really bad guys Maybe some of them are nice. So maybe he gives everybody a chance. Like maybe he thinks Trump is, sorry, Putin is, you know, maybe he just wants to eat mangoes and relax at the end of April. You just, you know, he just wants to give him that chance.
ukraine gets completely destroyed but you know there's going to be some loss and i think the three-day ceasefire uh i haven't checked the exact dates but i think it does coincide with the world snooker final So there might be something that we can work with. I mean, in terms of the state of global politics, with the hurricane of hubris, the cataclysm of that is the leader of the free world.
It prompted the European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen the week before last to say the West as we knew it no longer exists.
And the UN has since come under increasing pressure to introduce a new direction to rebalance the political compass. Suggestions put to the UN have included New West, East Squared... an average of the four prime directions, and a completely new direction that blends elements of Old West with hints of both compass-based directions such as South with non-compass-based orientations.
such as backwards a bit, diagonal as you look at it, and over there. So we will have full coverage of the new replacement for the West as it evolves over the next hundred years. Oh, this is brilliant, Andy. So what would Turkey be? Middle Earth? I think so.
¶ Pete Hegseth's Messaging App Controversy
Pete Hegseth news now. Those were words that I would have quite happily gone through the entire millennium without saying. But no longer possible, Hari, because he is your Defence Secretary. The Defence Secretary of your heart and your soul. And he's... Well, he's...
been criticized, I think, very unfairly for sharing military secrets on a messaging app. I mean, what could possibly go wrong with that? Yeah, he's sent messages about a... A strike in Yemen once to, by accident, to the editor of The Atlantic. which is a notable publication. And he also sent it to his family, which is very bizarre to throw into a family group chat. You know, people have been questioning, like, why does he and also he's he has set up.
technology apparently where um he can get his iphone and his signal messages sent to a computer in the pentagon which totally you know subverts what what the security is trying to do like he's he's security breaching all sorts of protocol so he can get his messages and i've been trying to figure out Why is he doing this? Since an assistant could easily check his phone outside and then let him know, oh, you have a text that's important. And I figured out what's happening here.
He's juggling multiple women. There's no other possible explanation. He's juggling multiple women. So he needs the messages because he can't let other people know he's juggling multiple women. And that would explain why that signal conversation happened. He's like. His wife is probably like, are you having sex with somebody else? And he's like, we're about to strike Yemen right now.
We're just about to strike Yemen. I'm sorry. I find that explanation far more reassuring for the future peace and stability of the world than what other people have suggested. But it's just reckless. It's not that he's an incompetent boob. He's just a womanizer. That is, you know, that is. And the grand tradition of senior American political figures.
So, I mean, of course, there was one argument, the American people voted democratically in the election last year for a president who would inevitably appoint people who would jeopardize the security of the nation through a cocktail of idiocy and arrogance. So this is really just. the democratic will of the American people in action, is it not?
i mean it is very democratic because what is more democratic andy than somebody you know putting out the nuclear codes to his uber eats guy Many years ago, I worked in journalism, as you know, and at the office I was at, one of the managers accidentally wrote an email to the whole office. with the subject. Clearly he was writing to his wife. The subject said, I hate your sister and CC'd the whole office. This is a bit like that. But I think my vote is for Hari.
as a bbc news correspondent because what we're really missing both with trump and with hexet is the quasi-sexual angle that nobody's bringing in This is absolutely correct. Where is that in the world news? He's having six affairs. He needs six phones. This is completely logical. Well, because the other possibility is painful. If it's not that, that means an unqualified moron was named to the position by another unqualified moron and confirmed by a Congress full of cowards.
That's not as much fun. That's the most civilised nation in the world, America. That couldn't possibly have happened. In terms of the security protocols that may have been broken, they have updated officially. the list of security protocols for the Defense Secretary. One is, don't assume no one is trying to get hold of American state secrets. There is a better than 0.01% chance that someone is.
Trying to get hold of American state secrets. I mean, it's quite a lot better than 0.001. It's almost 100% better. But the point is, it's not zero, so don't risk it. Point two, don't wear a t-shirt with a duke and spook and nuke and slogan with a silhouette of the country you're planning to attack.
And new point three for the security protocols is if you're getting hammered in a bar with an attractive young woman or man with a hint of an Eastern European accent who suggests playing truth or dare, make a polite excuse and leave.
So hopefully we'll avoid issues such as this in the future. Again, in terms of the democratisation of politics, And again, Trump has been heavily criticised for being anti-democratic for things like viciously attacking the independence of the judiciary and stuff like that. You know, fripperies like that. Just ephemeral flower in the winds of destiny. But...
Surely getting this kind of stuff out into the public domain is allowing the American public to express their opinions and have a say on issues of military strategy, which, given that it's their taxpayers' money that is being spent... on these airstrikes, they should have a say. And plans are afoot, it's just been confirmed actually, to enable registered Trump worshippers to vote.
On American military action, a range of options for how to conduct the initial strike from five initial strategic choices, as well as an A to F of contingency plans and an integer from 1 to 20. to decide how many years the US should be intractably ensconced in an inescapable ground war before finally finding a way of extricating itself, leaving a legacy of grief, instability and chaos. And yeah, personally, I think, you know, having...
having a say in that, I think is probably going to make America more stable and responsible as an international peacekeeping force. It's going to make for a hell of an Instagram poll. oh if only that weren't so far away from the truth no it's not far at all it's a very good point actually that's why i have a question for harry do you think it's that wrong just based on what andy said let's say a manager of an ihop
in North Dakota should be able to decide which of the four important Iranian sites in Tehran to bomb. I mean, just, you know, any less or more than the head of, say, Iranian... you know someone at the pentagon well the late night shifts at ihop do get a bit rough they can be they can be tricky to to to negotiate so God, none of this sounds crazy. The idea of a manager of an IHOP becoming defense secretary, is that that weird anymore? That's not weird. That could happen.
Not only is it not weird, it's, if anything, something of a pipe dream. Something of a utopian ideal that we should be striving for to make things better. When you become manager of an IHOP, you think about your career trajectory, and now it's realistic to say defense secretary. Before... It was like, maybe I can get a job in corporate or I could get a job at Applebee's or another chain restaurant in the United States. But no, now the horizon, my God, you can. The land of opportunity. Yeah.
you know in 2015 the foreign minister of india went to the united nations and read out an hour-long speech on india's position on something but it was actually accidentally the speech of the prime minister of portugal And at the time we thought that was the worst thing that could have possibly happened. But clearly that seems almost, you know, majestic and regal in relation to this.
¶ Texas Bans Virginia's Flag Over Breast
Tits on flags news now. And a school district in Texas has banned the use of the state flag of Virginia. due to the presence on that flag of a two-dimensional drawing of a naked female breast, because the children of Texas... need to be protected from such harrowingly pornographic imagery. I'm just looking at the Virginia flag. and crest now. And the breast in question, Hari, and you are a two-dimensional representations of human anatomy correspondent, of course.
is basically just a dot and then a curved line shaped like the letter J. I guess. You can say. It's an A cup. It's an A cup, Andy. Yeah. So, I mean, obviously, you've been educated in America. If you'd been exposed to that as a child, I mean, how different do you think your life is?
But I mean, it would have gone completely off the rails, presumably. And you wouldn't be talking to me now. Well, the bigger issue here is not so much that this flag... you know might corrupt the youth of texas it's the fact that apparently the state of texas does not have the internet that to me Is the bigger story here. That is so true. My life would have been so different without the.
I just feel bad for Virtus because this goddess kills a tyrant, which they depict on the flag, right? And all they want to do is Janet Jackson her about the boob. It's like... She just killed a tyrant, bro. And all you're concerned about is a lonely A-cup? This is terrible. What an awful thing. She deserves more than that for killing that tyrant. We're just talking about a lone breath. Get out of here. The last time someone's masturbated to that image, it was the early 1800s. Like, honestly.
I think that was one of the ambitions. Things you had to do to get into the Royal Society of Historians, I think, must be into a photograph of antiquity. I think it's one of the rules. I just think, you know, this raises a very good question of when.
why did people start covering them you know because all the way into because by the time you get to like chengiz khan and stuff they're all covered up And the weather would have been around the same, but the Greco-Romans, you know, they were big into semi-nudity. Look, I mean, in many ways, the peak era of the pornographic vase was nearly two and a half thousand years ago now. Again, very appropriate.
So, I mean, yeah, the ancient world feared not the gratuitous naked representation of the human form. And so, you know, quite how we've gone this far backwards. Who knows?
¶ The Catholic Church's Upcoming Conclave
Pope news now. And, well, exciting times for many Bugle listeners who have dreamt of becoming Pope. Good luck to everyone who's entered the competition. and applied to the Vatican to be the new Pope. This follows the death of Pope Francis. at the age of 88 a couple of weeks ago. There is apparently a battle. for the future direction of the Catholic Church, progress versus tradition, round 325, I think it is, in Catholic history. And...
Pope Francis was something of a reformer and a man of humanity. But it seems to me that the impending Popov, or a conclave as it's also known, is going to be a battle between traditionalists who don't like the way the modern church has gone and want to go back to... institutionalized abuse and mass cover-ups, and ideally torture as well, and the progressives who wanted the Catholic Church to embrace at least elements of modernity. I should emphasize I'm completely neutral in this.
long-term buglers will know i'm a lapsed jew so uh i'm entirely neutral uh i mean obviously all catholics are essentially lapsed jews as well when you think about it technically but let's not let's not delve into that particular
particular semantic argument. Personally, I think it's a good chance for the Catholic Church to break from tradition and appoint a Jewish Pope, first of all, or a Muslim Pope, to build bridges and understanding, or ideally an atheist Pope to bring things... into the modern world are either of you guys uh throwing your uh your miters into the ring i i think uh well first of all i i hope it's a black cardinal because i think that that would be a huge
change for the Catholic Church. And the black cardinal that I'm proposing is St. Louis Cardinal shortstop Ozzie Smith. All right. Well, he's got cardinal in the name. Yeah, exactly. There must be one bugler that knows what the hell I'm talking about. You know, from the 1980s and early 90s, the shortstop of the St. Louis Cardinals, Ozzie Smith. Huge. I mean, what do you think he'd bring to the role of Pope other than athleticism and a good throwing arm? Well, I think...
Well, he would be an anti-molestation pope, which is really where the battle is right now in that conclave. It's between the pro and the anti-molestation wings. Before Pope Francis, it had been a pro-molestation pope for centuries, really. And he, you know, he, you know, when Francis came, it was an anti-molestation regime. Or as as they like to say amongst Catholics, that's when the good times end.
can i just say you know i've been following the betting quite closely i can be excited by quirks you like snooker and it's like that um so what they give you is they give you whether they're liberal or conservative that's all they give you um basically just in the resume they try to tell you okay this candidate
there's there's a betting odds eight to three eight to one and then they tell you well he's a bit of a fascist or he's very left-wing he's communist story but i don't want to know that stuff what i really want to know is you know likes badminton or enjoys Pink Floyd, you know, or once went to Goa on vacation and stole.
a dutch person's wallet you know like those are the little things you know involved in a petty feud on a thai beach you know those would be interesting things to know about a possible pope because you do a background check if you applied for any job Well, absolutely. And, you know, if you're going to be betting on the next book, please conclave responsibly. And if you'll forgive me for...
For repeating a joke that was on last week's news quiz, there are just a few days left to submit your application before the papal conclave. And a conclave, they all meet facing towards the middle. Then when a decision is made, they turn outwards to announce it to the world, at which point it changes from a conclave to a convlect. I thought Bugle fans might enjoy that more than News Quiz fans.
¶ UK News: Bayer Tapestry Penis Debate
UK news now, and since we were last with you, the big news here has been the Supreme Court ruling.
on, well, sex and gender and the meaning of the word woman in a specific piece of legislation. And it's a hugely complicated topic and I don't really want to... do it without giving it full scope which we were planning to do last week we had to postpone last week's show so we will come back to that the one thing I will say about it now is that When the Supreme Court judge, Lord Hodge, delivered the judgment, he said, we counsel against reading this judgment as a triumph.
of one or more groups in our society at the expense of another. It is not, at which point... Everyone interpreted the judgment as a triumph of one or more groups in our society at the expense of another. But it's 2025. That's just the way we roll, not just as a nation, but as a species. So anyway, we'll come back. We'll come back to that.
Because, like I say, it's a very difficult subject for comedy, very difficult subject philosophically, I think. We'll come back to it and do it in proper depth at some point soon. So, in other... British news, well, possibly one of the biggest stories, the biggest scandals to hit this nation, one of the biggest disputes. A dispute between historians over whether the Bayer tapestry... contains 93 or 94 penises.
There is a considerable scholastic dispute over whether a shape dangling from one of the characters in the Bayer tapestry, the tapestry that was... commemorating the Battle of Hastings in 1066 that was commissioned shortly afterwards, so it's almost 1,000 years old. It's about 70 metres long. It's an amazing thing. If you're ever knocking around Bayer, go and have a look at it in northern France. But anyway, in the words of Macbeth himself,
Is this a dagger I see before me? No, it's a willy. Because there's some dispute over whether this 90, this controversial... potential 94th Wang is a dagger or a penis. Now, already, look, it must be said, 93 phalluses in a tapestry seems... More than enough. More than average. But, I mean, this is, you know, I don't think we will really be at ease as a nation until we know for sure whether or not this object is the 94th Bayer Tapestry Penis.
Or not. Now, it's good that we have you two on the show to bring some objectivity to this highly... highly complex and controversial debates um what what uh what what what's your view on this uh this this this matter well it's a great question and in fact all these years i've been on the video i was really hoping
you'd ask me this question were there penises in medieval india in battles just a question we haven't brought up in a long time um here's the thing i am a keen observer of nudity and history and i can't find that many uh you know just wide open no underwear armies uh right i don't know what was going on with you guys but uh big big battles say the british versus Tipu Sultan, Battle of Sarangapatnam.
No willies, none, very covered up. We go even further back, the siege of Chittor, one of the massive battles in India, the Rajputs versus the Mughals. Completely covered up. Very few signs of anything dangling about. And this is a hot country where you could essentially... fight in the nude. But there was decorum. People broke for dinner. People were well-dressed. Saturdays and Sundays were off. I'm not quite sure what was going on in 1066 that just allowed this sort of flagrant, you know.
Maybe it was a weapon? It was a kind of distraction that the other side... Distraction is an interesting theory, Hari, because obviously the result of the Battle of Hastings in 1066 was an away win for the... for the Normans over the home team. But the rules of war in 1066 did specifically say, don't try and put your opponents off by waggling your danglers around. So, I mean, is this evidenced?
that William the Conqueror and the Normans were cheating to try and distract King Harold. And when he was looking at everyone's junk, they shot him in the eye with an arrow. First of all, let me correct you because you said earlier that This is a debate amongst historians. Is that correct? Yes. It's a debate amongst male historians. I think that it's very important to point out because essentially this tapestry...
Where was it found? An ancient frat house? It's not a work of art, really. It's just a bunch of horse dicks. And then a few dicks of soldiers and then some questionable dicks. Like this is the game of how many dicks are in this tapestry. That's a frat house game that belongs with a bunch of frat brothers. playing beer pong, counting dicks. This is not a real scholarship. Right. Hari could be onto something, Andy. I mean...
I could be on to something. I mean, in that, the real battle could have fully clothed people, you know, very dignified people. And then the people doing the Bay of Tapestry decided to just f*** around a little bit. Anyway, we will have full coverage of the resolution of this debate over the 94th Bayer tapestry penis. as it goes presumably through the courts over many years.
I don't know if it'll have to be re-embroidered to show the phallus more clearly or de-phallus to make it more clearly a dagger. We don't know yet. Everything is quite literally up in the air. Well, it's actually in a sealed cabinet in a museum in northern France.
¶ Plugs and Goodbyes
Well, that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle. It feels like we've covered a range of... The world is difficult at the moment. It's going through a tricky millennium, as we've discussed on this show. Just some breaking news reaching us. After leading Team GB to a superb first place and gold medal at the 2025 World Regretting Championships, the Team GB skipper Thramston Bramphill said the team was very disappointed with the result. That's the kind of class that gets you...
Anyway, thank you for listening to this week's Bugle. Let's do some plugs. Hari, what have you got to plug right now? Well, I'll be performing May 28th in New Haven, Connecticut at Toad's Place. And then May 29th, I got a big show in New York City at the Gramercy. I haven't played my hometown in a long time. So if you're a New York City Bugle fan, the Gramercy on May 29th, May 30th and 31st.
at the Houston Punchline. And then finally, to round out my spring touring, June 1st at Bugle Stronghold Lafayette, Louisiana at Club 337. So if there's a Bugle fan somewhere in Louisiana. I'll be in the state on June 1st. I do admire the fact that Lafayette has named its comedy club after the 337 scored by Hanif Mohammed for Pakistan against West Indies in 1958.
That's a big score. It was a huge score. Very long. I think the longest innings in the history of test cricket. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that. Anyway, Anubab, plug. Yeah. I've got a series of shows coming up in the UK between June and July, which I'll be posting on my social media. And yeah, I'll also be in a few cities in Europe. I'll be in Rotterdam, Hague, a few other places.
Well, I have nothing much to plug. My tour is very nearly over. There's one more show in London. I will be doing a show at the Froome Festival. I'm not sure it's on sale as yet, but do keep an eye on that if you're in the Froome area. And you can listen to the news quiz via BBC Sounds with two shows into an eight-show run. And if you're a cricket fan, which I sincerely hope you are, otherwise this podcast would have been...
a bit of disappointment and confusion to you over the years. I have a new column at the Observer talking about cricket. Anyway, thank you for listening this week. We will be back next week with all the latest from this absurd planet. Until then, goodbye.