Just Heal with Dr. Jay: Living and Healing In Peace with Taraji P. Henson

Welcome to Jesshill with Doctor J, a production of the Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. Welcome back to another episode of Just Hell with Doctor J. And I am your host, Doctor J. Barnett, and I'm excited about today's guests. I have my great friend, you know her as missus Cookie, but I know her as Tea and all of the many characters that we have been blessed to see her play.

I'm feeling blessed today, really happy, and I'm excited about today because you know, of course we're having our symposium and we're helping the kids. And I actually used to go to oxen Hille High School really, so I feel really good about giving back to them in this way. Before we start, can I just say I'm proud of you, black man.

Thank you.

I'm just really really proud of you.

I am thank you, thank you, And listen, I want to say this to everybody. Y'all only know me because of the riot, well like for real, and so I have to say I'm I'm I'm humble because it was a black woman. It was you I think came across one in my videos and then your team reached out

Black women and we need y'all.

So we need each other. We need each other, and I wish, you know, we could settle these these these wars that we have and online because we're so needed in just building each other.

Yeah for sure, Yeah sure, So you.

Know you feel blessed. You look amazing. I don't know what you're drinking and what you're doing, but you look amazing. Like I know, you take trips to Bali and body is your place to really get away in the check out what has that been for your healing journey.

It's a place. It's a great place to recenter because it's not a place about vanity. You know a lot of times when you go overseas, it's about shopping and this and that, and that's not where you go for that. It's literally eat, pray, love. The people are beautiful. They pray over everything, they pray over you. It's a lot of yoga. I mean, the food is from the earth, everything is clean eating. I just feel so nurtured. We call it mother Boy because the land is so nurturing.

Now when you go, how long are you gone?

The first time I stayed for a month. The second time I went for like two and a half weeks. Yeah, it's not a quick trip because it takes about twenty four hours to get there.

Wow. Wow. And when you go there and you resenter yourself, how does your spirit feels to step away from America?

Let me just tell you this. The first time I went, I landed at some weird hour in the morning. They had a herbal bath waiting for me. I took it. It was like four o'clock in the morning. By the time I unpacked and got in a bed, I slept for twelve hours. Can I tell you the last time I slept through like twelve straight hours? I since probably went my twenties when I was going to the clubs and stuff.

Wow.

Yeah, twelve straight hours. And I never could sleep that peacefully in the States.

Wow. Do you feel because of the chaos and the noise is why many of us can't rest?

Absolutely? I literally remember after my month stay, it felt like it went so fast, and I remember I was crying packing coming back. I did not want to come back. As soon as I got back to America, it was a mass shooting in Chinatown, and La I.

Was like, and I remember texting you when you come back, and you was just saying I did not want to come back, and not want to come back, did not.

Want to come I heard a doctor say, if you ever find yourself diagnosed with cancer and you want to survive, the first thing you got to do is leave America.

What.

Yes, he said, that's the first thing you have to do. He didn't go into the medicines, he didn't go into holistic he said, the first thing you must do is leave America.

Wow. You know, I'm writing this book and it's titled I actually just got agreed to the terms. This is my first major book deal. And I'm excited about this this because the book is about pursuing pace. The subtitle is in a world that's not slowing down. And as you were speaking about the doctor saying you got to leave here, we're in such a hurry and there's such stress that we have day to day. And I'm saying to myself, how do we ever find pace? How do you create pace in your busy world?

I where I live is very peaceful. My house sits on the hill away from the noise. I don't hear any street traffic. It's my sanctuary. And I had a friend who's very clairvoyant say that he saw like Native Americans around the property in spirit protecting it. So I would have friends flying from out of town and they would come in all stress and they come to my house and they would be like, oh my god, I

Like I like that because it's almost like you get to connect back to the little girl.

Absolutely. I reached out to Tyler Perry one time. I said, while the world is burning up, I'm in here watching my Dea movies and I turned the camera around and show He said, Wow, Toaji, that's you protected letting that taking care of that little TJ little girl.

And I was like, absolutely, Oh God, this is this is so rich because I'm sitting here thinking about, you know, childhood wounds and childhood traumas and all those different things. And I don't think we realize as we're aging that we're either doing one or two things. We're either running from the little boy or little girl, or we're trying to replace or give the little boy a little girl

I forget. I don't my office be trying to reach me and the phone will be buzzing, and I get annoyed because I don't want to deal with that, and then I'll be like hello, They like, you gotta come out of that room. You have to answer these questions. You gotta sign these documents, and they know when they can't find me, they know that's where I am. You know, it just brings me so much peace and joy. And that's where I was during the pandemic, like I literally stayed in my salon.

Is that how you got through the pandemic.

That's how I got through it.

So what I'm hearing you saying is healing is a part of us also reconnecting to our childhood. It's some sort you.

Said, I look how youthful I look because I never let that little girl inside of me die. I go outside and run outside with the dogs. I still play like a kid. I laugh. You know, I love jokes. I love funny, I love laughing. I laugh at myself. I don't take myself too seriously. That's the stuff that keeps you young and stops you from being so hard.

Yeah, because I was reading, I was doing something about black men and aging, and this new data said the average life expectancy for black men is sixty one point five, ten years less of white males, which is seventy two. And we're not. You know, we always hear a black don't crack, right, but internally we're cracking. And when you're talking about aging, what has been one of the ways that you realize that it's the secret to remaining youthful. As we're aging and as we are evolving. What things

Going to bed at seven?

I love it. Listen when I tell you, on Friday nights, I am so excited to go to bed, like o'clock on Friday.

That's every night. And so my mother clowned me one time because I caught FaceTime and she's like, you were in bed already it was seven o'clock, and I was like, uh, yeah, I'm telling you, this is my favorite time of the day. I be dancing to the bed man in that something.

And I remember when we was kid, you hated it, hate it.

Hate. Some nights, I'm in bed by six thirty because I'm like, I'm done with my day. Like I'm done answering questions. I'm done answering questions. I'm done, you know, with the you know emails. I'm just I'm ready to go to bed. And my dogs are they're so used to seven. They eat at seven and they go right to their crates because they know Mama finished shut it down.

Because I was. I was my mom. She goes to bed at like six thirty or seven, and she said, baby, the day is over. It's over.

It's a bride. What else you want from me?

What?

El?

And I'm laughing because you know, my mom heard her husband, and you know, she was like, he'll be in there and going back to the childhood thing. She so he likes doing puzzles and he likes science projects, so he like he goes and buys these science projects. And she's like, baby, I'm been in to bed. I said, what mister Charlie doing. Oh baby, Charlie there playing with this little tip. She said, I've gone to bed because I don't think we realized

Yeah, and you know what, I cut out the alcohol too, you know, not that I was a heavy drinker, but I just can't recover. I can't recovery even if I have wine. And next day I'm like, I just and it's just like, what's the point, you know? So I enjoyed my mock tails, but I noticed since I stopped drinking, I have lucid dreams. I can't I can't remember the

And I've often heard doctors talk about how alcohol, you know, we don't think about it, even just with wine, but just how it can be one of the most deadliest and not just from my physical perspective, but cognitively. The brain doesn't function the same.

It just does not. It doesn't.

So for you, what is a good time now when you go out, you don't you havening mocktail? Is that enough for you?

That's enough for me. But see, now we live in a society where if you're not drinking, something's wrong. Girl, why are you not drinking? So to remedy that, I go straight to the bar and I get a celica water, put a line in it. Bam. So nobody's asking me questions. But I found out that I can really enjoy myself sober like i've because you know why, I remember what I did the night before when I was drinking, and people be like, girl, remember when you said up like

Yeah, and you're present.

Very present. I have not clocked out. But the people, the people that are inebriated be talking to me, and I'm like, you think they really think? They make it sense?

And you feel like especially.

But I don't judge, you know exactly, I don't judge. I just you know, I'm like dag that used to be me.

Now, let me ask you this. When you were drinking, do you feel like it was part of just kind of escaping social Yeah.

Absolutely, and it was the thing to do. Like it's like you going out and drinking is hand in hand, like even going to dinner and have a grow. First thing you do is the first thing they offer you. Would you like for cocktails? Here's the drink menu, you know, and I found the entries. I'm gonna tell you when I started thinking about the sobriety was when I went to the Paris Olympics. There was no alcohol at any of the games, at any of the gymnasiums. No alcohol. Well,

Wow, and not even yeah, I wouldn't even think that how present you could be without the alcohol.

It's very present.

Wow, you know, speak about being present. I've known you and Tracy for a number of years. You guys love each other out loud. Most people don't have what you guys have, the years of friendship that you guys have. Like I'm usually talking to people that are changing friends every two to three years and then best friends. How important has the friendship for you on your healing journey? Because I often tell clients or just even in my

Yeah, well she's been. She's been very important for me throughout our friendship throughout life because I was the hot head. You know, I'm like cush that bitch in the throat, and she like bring it to zero, come back, find your zero, you know what I mean. She's a labor so she actually balanced me. And I'm a Virgo and I get heady and I'm very analytical, and so she helped me work through that. As a kid and we can be very judgmental, she worked with me on that.

On you know.

She was like, you good, and I'm like, yeah, I'm good. She's like, no, you're not, and then that forces me to check, you know what. I'm a little I do feel a little off. You know, so it's very important. I said that to the kids out at Copa University yesterday. I was like, y'all check on each other. Don't let don't let your friends or your you know, people in your circle suffer if they don't sound right, don't look like check on them. Pull up. Yeah, you could be saving a life.

You know. That's what I miss most about the elders. Yeah, it's My grandmother used to say, baby, come by and let me lay eyes on you. And here's how they knew that something was going on, because you would stay away. Yep, because the moment they saw you, you know that they would see. And we need people that will call us and say, let me lay eyes on me and to feel your energy and to feel where your spirit is.

I think we have, especially Black people, we have been trained and conditioned through our trauma to be strong and put on this front like I'm good, I'm good. But I always say the strength is in vulnerability. You know, when you're able to be vulnerable and speak your truth, that's what draws more people in because people are afraid to do that. You know a lot of people are afraid to do that. But you have to because being strong all the time will break you. We're not buildings

It is it is all right. I want to ask you this. You started the Board's Hitsion Foundation because of your dad, and who was.

A man who was very strong but was not afraid to be vulnerable. He would cry, he would talk about when he didn't feel right. I mean, he wore his heart on his sleeve. He was incredible. I miss him so much.

I'm sorry. Oh no, no, you're good. No, yeah, And I'm glad that you share that knowing with what you've done, and you have pioneered a space in the mental health ram and you have created opportunities for these conversations. I often say it was you and Charlotmagne who really championed the space for blacks because no one had never seen any one of you, guys, caliper be open about your challenges. What would your dad say today if he could see the Workers show.

And not be honest? Because is anybody gonna be offended with the N word? He called everybody nigga? You be like little nigga. I'm proud of you. That's exactly. I can hear him in my dream sometimes he comes to me so vividly in my that's another thing I hadn't dreampt about my father and so long, and I stopped drinking, and I've been having very lucid dreams where I see him, I hear him. The last dream I had about him,

Wow, I love it. I love it. Hey, little nigga, you doing it? That sound like that sounds like my grandmama. Well man, that that is so beautiful. This question I asked all the guests and I asked this question. This podcast is just here with doctor j. You've been open about your healing journey. I've been opened by my healing journey. And I asked myself this question, and uh, it was one that I had to take a deep breath and deep side. When you think of healing. What does healing

Well, I tell you this, It ain't all pretty, you know, because you're gonna have to open up some scars that hurt, and you're gonna have to go to some ugly places. But the only way to get through it is to get through it. You can't go under it, you can't go over you can't avoid it because eventually it's gonna implode. Eventually it's gonna overtake you. So you have to go through the muck to get through to the other side.

You know.

They always say, I know it's cliche. After every storm the sun comes out, God go through the storm first, you know, But that's how That's how you have to undo, and undoing sometimes can be very uncomfortable. You have to have very uncomfortable conversations with yourself, with people you know who helped with the trauma. But you know it's it can be tough, and but you can do it. You know, if I could do it, it, Jay can do it. You can do it because it's in you to do it

Do you feel a lot of people are afraid to take it?

Oh?

Absolutely, because they're scared to go through the storm. You know, they think somehow sweeping things under the carpet is gonna make it good.

But you know, and as I said, just because you hot, it doesn't mean it's not there.

It's always there. It comes out in ways, you know, it comes it manifests itself in how you deal with people.

That part.

If you're drinking too heavy, you're smoking a little too much, like, all of that is escapism. If you're going out eating too much sex, I mean, it's it manifests itself in all kinds of ways. So you gotta deal with it.

Yes, you gotta deal with it because if you don't deal with it, gonna deal with you. It's gonna deal with you.

And deal with you, and it's going to affect your health. You have a nervous system.

Come on, talk about it.

And I'm not a scientist. I'm not a doctor to talk about it, but I am a doctor. But you know, because I what is it what honorary?

Yes, yes, you are.

Right, but I'm not that kind. But I do know you have a nervous system and your your body listens to your brain, you know, and so if you're not feeding yourself good information, it's going to show up in your body. You said what I want you look good? What fountain you're drinking from? I said, the fountain of peace, peace, the found piece that I protect my piece at all call. If you not on a healing journey, I can't talk to you. But bye, I can't. I can't do it.

I can't do it because it costs too much.

It cost me my peace, and I'm not willing to give that up. I finally got here. You understand what I'm saying. Yes, you better exhale. I finally got here, not hard and how long and how much stuff I had to go do to get here, Like, I finally got here, and I'm just not gonna let anybody disturb me from my peace.

Yeah. See when I tell you, I love that for you and to see your journey. And that's really what I was telling CJ. I said, Man, I really want us all to get to a place where we're just not stuck on survival. Yeah, and we're not stuck on, you know, just trying to figure it out each time and just like allowing ourselves to have this level of peace where we know what it's like to just breath.

Yeah. Yeah, And it's gonna take us to heal us, you know what I mean. Nobody's gonna come and save us. Yeah, you know. And I think what we're doing, the work that we're doing, is so important because we're allowing people to the freedom to feel the fear and to talk about it in the open, because once upon a time, this wasn't talked about like that.

No, it wasn't. You know.

Everybody's pretending to be strong and like they have it together, especially celebrities or people in the limelight, because people on the outside look in and think, oh, they have everything. Let me tell you something like the Great Guru Biggie Small said, more money, more problems, because money does not do the rich people, the filthy rids. They're the most unhealed, unhealthy folk walking the universe because money can't fix it.

It can't. Bishop Jakes told me this is recently. He said, I was telling him about the podcast and he was excited and everything I'm doing, and he looked at me and he said, you don't realize how much we needed. He said, I don't know that. He said, you know what type of people I'm connected to? Jay, He said, I don't know anybody that's at peace right now. Listen, And I mean he was in this in his fashion.

Mm ooh or chill? Would not my son say that.

Because there's this pressure to keep performing. Yeah, And he said, I don't know anybody that's at peace right now. So to hear you come in and say, I'm drinking for from the fountain of peace.

Baby, Listen, I'm not even dating right now. Somebody's like, you're not dating. No, I'm not dealing with nobody's unhealed. Son. Can I get an amen?

Hallelu hallelou because I'm telling you I've had my house renovated, right and I found this incredible black full out of the South to come in to design the interior and they are incredible.

But I told them in the beginning, I said, I wanted to look like a straight girl house when you come in here. If I start dating, I don't want no dude to feel like, oh yeah, I can know you can't move up in here. In fact, guess what, I don't even have a drawer for your stuff. I don't have a drawer because my stuff is in all the drawers. So pack your bag when you come, and

But that's real, though, Tie, That's real because at this season and at this juncture, the work you've done, and I often tell people the work that you've done, you would have to undo this to deal with somebody who hasn't done work, who's afraid to do work, and then who's not really committed to.

The work, And I'm not willing to do that.

They'll start going to therapy just because you talked about it, but you're not really committed. Because if you know, you're really going to therapy because I brought it up, but you're not really interested in growing and evolving. And if you're not with somebody that is committed to their own journey, yeah.

Then I can't help you because I'm not willing to give up my piece. I fought too hard to get here. I'm just not willing I even do this. Like you know, there's certain things that I will go to in the industry and certain things that I want. The first question I ask is is this going to cost me any parts of my piece? Because if it is, I don't have to go. I don't have to go. I don't care.

It's funny you say that because I started telling my manager that I said to leave my house. Now you got to pay me to leave my peace because my home I've created such serene. Just it's it's I'm living my place overlooked the water. It's just if I leave, man, and it's not even about the bag anymore.

I was about to say that because it could be a bag, and I'd be like that sounds like chaos. Give it to somebody else. I've turned down jobs as there's directors.

I just.

Energy is transferable, and so what I do as an artist like I have to open up chakras. I let these characters come inside my body and use my body as a vessel to tell their story. That's a very vulnerable place to be. So if I don't feel like I'm protected, if I don't feel like I'm going to be protecting an environment that is nurturing to the process, I will turn it down. No, that's right, because I can't. I can't sacrifice myself like that.

For y'all, especially for these up and coming artists who feel like they have to listen. If I haven't learned anything else on my journey from you, from Tracy, from all of the people that mentored me. They always say, man, be very particular about what you say yes to.

Everything, ain't about a dollar, Like, be careful what you ask for. You'd be very specific, be very clear on what you're asking for. Like these kids, they see the limelight, they see they don't realize we're still real people going through real stuff. Like it's not just you become an actor and all of a sudden life is pristine and it's no you go, you put on the show, and then you still go back home to the mess you left.

You know, as you're talking, one of the characters that stand out to me when you were was talking about just being at a place where it's like your life is in shamble. The other that I was watching hustling Flow, Oh, and that character I mean, was just I mean, you can you can see this pushing, this pull, but you can see this love, you can see this care, but you can also see the vulnerability because she was at you know what I mean, you know his you know, at the mercy of him of DJ. Was that like

Well, for me, when I first got the script, I remember John Sinkings and May recipes I miss you so much. He was like, I need your eyes. He always told me about my eyes. He was like, you don't have to do much. You just have to think it and the camera's gonna do the rest. Because I came from theaters, I was very big, but I and I'm glad he said it like that. And he was like, you picked the character you want to play. And of course Lexus,

You know.

It takes pressure to make a diamond, right, But if you're not saying and no one takes kid, find the diamond and dust it off, and you know, then it'll just be a dirty rock, right. And so that's how I played her. I played the why, and that's why. That's how you gain the empathy of an audience, even with the worst character in the world, a villain. If you play the why, then the audience will feel for even the villain. Yes, you know, but there's always a why a person is the way they are, you know.

You know.

That's why that moment in the studio when she hears her voice for the first time is like.

Look, oh man, that when I tell you that part broke me. Because I'm thinking from a healing perspective, is that most people just want to know that their voice matters.

Right, Because the director was very smart, Craig Brewer, I love you, but the director was very smart because I remember I did this and he ran in and whispered in mind. He said, put your hand on your mouth, and I did that, and it was almost like that came out of my mouth, like so he was tracking what I was thinking. You know, that was a very special project for me, and I got paid nothing for it, but those independent films you do it for other reasons. You know. It was the story for me.

But all of that, and as you talk, all of that just just really stood out for me because it was the first time that I ever watched the film from a clinical or from a psychoanalytical perspective, and I was looking at the characters because sometime I do that because it really helps me to really connect with people, even in speaking, because most people, if you have not been seen, if you have not been heard, you don't feel valuable. And in that moment, Shug felt like, Hey, I'm somebody.

I could be somebody, I could do something, I could do more than what I'm doing, Like you saw her come alive.

That's what you have done for so many people in the mental health space.

Thank you. I hope so.

No, there's no hope. You you have done that. You have helped so many people heal, and especially during the time of the pandemic where people needed somebody to talk to. I believe people wasn't just looking for therapy. People just was looking for space where they can share unapologetically and just to really have have an environment where it's like, man, I don't have to be whatever roles or titles that I've and I just want to say thank you for taking out the time to come on this podcast.

Just you knew I was coming.

Listen, listen, I know, I love you, I love I made your love you and Tracy, y'all. It has been so amazing. And it was y'all because when when Will reached out about the podcast, and I'm telling you, I was just like, man, I don't know if I want to do it. I didn't know if it would be a space because.

I was like, oh, I was going to make you do it. Because he came to my trailer where we were on fight night. He was like, do you know any men who are in the mental health But I said, I sure do right now, and I sent them your page. I said, this is the guy you want. I said, he already has an audience, the men already trust him. You know nothing, it's not new new. I said, that's who you want. Tap him right away. Well I didn't even pause when he asked.

And I appreciate it, and I just want to say thank you and keep being a light that you are to the world because in this climate we need it. And I like to acknowledge not what you do, which is who you are, because acting is just that that's a gift, but who you are as a person, because you have to have a real heart to care about more than just yourself and what you've done with the foundation and even what you continue to do, you care