Hello, kitties. It's your old pal, John Kucir, the voice of the cryptkeeper, and you're listening to the bottom shelf. Alright. Man, that last movie was so terrible. I need to watch I need something Spider Man related. It's actually decent. They go play some Spider Man 2. Where's my where's my Spider Man 2 case? What what is the why is it covered in webs? What there's a note. John. Yeah. Yeah. What? What? So force ghost Branson has left us a gift. Why why is it covered with spirit Halloween
webs? I you know, I don't know. Is that silly string? What is happening here? No. It's he said he found it at the bottom of the dumpster. And there's a nylon rope, a white nylon rope wrapped around it. I'm very confused. It It says, thanks for letting me hang. Watch this tonight, and, PS, I have my own thoughts. Why does this look so cheap? I thought we're gonna do something good. Prepare yourself to discover a world of terrible movies.
High above the planet Geeker E, a group of intrepid explorers hover over the dangerous planet in their fabulous super orbital spacecraft. Their mission, to conduct a complete analysis of movies known throughout the universe as Terrible. So grab your space popcorn, grab your freeze dried ice cream, and join us for today's mission of discovery and wonder. Are these movies better than the galaxy thinks? Or do they really belong on the bottom shelf? Hello, movie lovers and movie haters. Welcome to
the bottom shelf. A podcast is part of the Geek Devotions podcast network of network of podcasts are devoted to letting you know that you love. So if you don't let us pass this moment of this, we love you. We care about you. There is a plan and a purpose to your life. Do not give up. And today, ladies and gentlemen, not giving up. Today with me is my good friend, my buddy, the, the the the game master himself and then a talented musician. John, how are you?
You don't gotta lie to kick it, but I appreciate the comments nonetheless. What's up, everybody? So, ladies and gentlemen, last episode, we, we watched the film, and we dumpster fired it. I think. Yes. We did. It it was a disputed dumpster fire. You gave it a bottom shelf. Bam and I both Yeah. Torched it. Yes. And then Branson disappeared into the ether as a blue force goes. He went back over to the, Gundam Galaxy. So Yeah. He's chilling over there. So, I have some personality, so I'm in both
places at the same time. That being said, ladies and gentlemen, he's I'm a hog. Half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend. But he's left us a a gift here. Let me look at the, the what does this say here? The amazing Spider Man. What? This doesn't look like Spider Man. I know Spider Man. Doesn't look that amazing either. Oh, John, this says it's from 1977. Let me let me read this little little info dump that we have here.
In 1977, Marvel took a bold step into the small screen world with the amazing Spider Man TV series. To kick off the series, they produced a made for TV film for everyone's favorite web head. Oh, made for TV film. Okay. Sorry. Starring, we have Christopher Reeves at home, Nicholas Hammond, a bewitched David White, a Dolph, and Dolph Longman's boxing manager, Michael Pataki, written by an ABC special writer, Alvin bore boret boret boret boretts? Borets? No. I think it's burets. Burets.
Directed by the man who brought you the hard hitting detective movie, Columbo. Columbo goes to college. Alright. Read the back of the box. Alright. When extortionist threatens to force multiple suicides unless a huge ransom is paid. Only Peter Parker can help him with his new powers as Spider Man. Okay. They don't really mince words on the back of this box here. No. But, I mean, it's it's a it's for a pitch? That's a good pitch.
I mean, if I was in the elevator, that'd be enough time to get the idea across, I suppose. Multi self unreliving. Let me take a quick let me take a quick look in our movie database Okay. To see what trivia we can pull out about this movie. So apparently, this film was originally made as a pilot for the TV show, but garnered a theatrical release in a number of territories. So this actually did make it into theaters. That's a good sign. That's a good sign. I'm hoping it is.
Peter's schoolmate is wearing a Captain America shirt in the lab in the scene where Peter gets bitten by the radioactive spider. So that's something to look out for. That's interesting. This pilot includes some of the few scenes of Spidey actually swinging on his web line, a costly and dangerous effect. I doubt it's that either of those for nowadays standards, but I don't know. But at the time, I'm sure. Yeah. Unlike wall, unlike wall climbing scenes in Batman 66, which was the only
previous show to do this. Mhmm. Many shots of Spider Man climbing buildings were done live in downtown New York with invisible wires. Oh. So they actually did have them moving up a building instead of turning the camera sideways. That's that's actually pretty cool. Like most feature length pilots, a number of changes occurred before the regular show was commissioned. The characters of Jay Jonah Jameson and Aunt May would be played by different actors in the future.
Robbie Robertson was written out altogether, and there would be scenes of Spidey swinging across any skyscrapers, and the music would be different. And at one point in their early movie, Spider Man is seen by security guards going into doctor Banner's lab. Doctor Banner is actually the alter ego of the Incredible Hulk. I I wonder if that was supposed to be a, like a, hey, we might have this happen later.
You know, they did have the Incredible Hulk TV show at the time with Lou Ferrigno, so it would not shock me if they had intended a crossover at some point. That was pretty cool. They were both on the same channel as well. Right. Alright. Well, through the magic of podcasting, we have some community outreach about the film. Let's see here. We wanna just round robin it. Yeah. Sure. Alright. Nathan Joseph sitting Marchan. I've never seen it. Okay. Okay. Well, thanks for your thoughts on this movie.
Hopefully, that's not indicative of what we're about to walk into, though. I know. Well, our, friend and inspiration of this show, Ben Ben Avery, gave us a bit more of a rundown. Quick we'll do a summary of he he he said a lot, folks. This is a doctoral dissertation he gave us. For real. He said he watched this movie in 1977, and I remember one scene specifically, but I also remember sitting in the living room amazed. The effects were surprisingly mid level for 19 seventies TV.
So as a lad, it engaged the imagination, and as an adult, it engaged the nostalgia. Okay. But as a work of 19 seventies TV, it is above average output action effects wise. That was hindered when CBS apparently didn't want to be known as a superhero network, something I've read about as an adult. All I knew as a kid was I liked those shows, and sometimes TV shows disappear and never heard from again. But I also was in Canada, so it wasn't even CBS for me.
I have an idea for a season of up from the ashes podcast to explore superhero TV pilots, maybe crossing streams with Welcome to Level 7, the unofficial Marvel Cinematic Universe podcast. Too many ideas, too little time. But Spider Man live action is one of those memories from childhood in Canada, like Star Lost, which we covered on Up From the Ashes, that stands as a memory impacting my development into
a nerd as a wee lad. By the way, I have zero qualms with the fact that we just gave Ben Ben several shout outs for his his shows. Check out Up From the Ashes, and also welcome to level 7. Real talk, people. If it wasn't for Ben Ben Avery, you wouldn't be hearing me right now because he was the man who inspired me to podcast. So Yeah. Some of his early stuff was actually like some of the stuff I studied to develop deep devotions in
the early days. Let me read, Dale's, because if I were to read the next one, it would just be weird. So, Dale, fan and friend of the podcast, the series was a tad better and a little bit more fun than this pilot. Fair. Fair. So Alright. Some, Viking dude named John Harju, Oh, are you? He says, not my j j j. And then he also goes, oh, yes. Back in the day when radiation gave you more than just cancer. I mean, facts.
I mean, how old were you when you before you realized radiation couldn't give you superpowers? Right? That was a legitimate a talking point people had about, like like, everyone got their superpowers through some form of radiation in some fashion. I mean, even Superman's powers are technically from radiation. I mean, it's it's surprising more people aren't throwing themselves in a particle accelerator. It's all I'm saying. Drake Drake Tungsten says, saw this as a kid back in 1980, probably.
I was into Spider Man and thought it was great. It holds up better than the 19 sixties cartoon, the original the origin of the excellent song. Interesting. And then f n spider fan also has Branson. He goes, I have the VHS tape with Nicholas Hammond's Spider Man that I would watch repeatedly. It was the first live action Spider man I ever knew. There's so there's a lot of nostalgia for it despite the flaw. Alright. So now for lower expectations. Don't sue us, NBC.
Dallas, why don't you go first being as I think you're probably a little bit more familiar with this property than I am. So, I I am a fan of Spider Man. In fact, I almost wore my my, Scarlet Spider hoodie, for the show today. And the listeners would totally be able to tell. Oh, yeah. Well, I would have said I wore my Scarlet Spider hoodie. Shout out to my home dude, John Frutiger, for hooking me up with it,
hooking me up with it. But, the, so I I I know spider lore pretty well, and, I know what Spider Man was like back in the seventies. So, I'm trying to limit my thought processes on that because I also know how TV series like to change things because they don't wanna deal with certain things. I have vague, and I mean super vague recollections of some of this, but I don't know if it was this movie or the TV show. Like, I remember being a kid at my grandparents' house seeing some of this on
TV. And I also remember, when at my own house watching it and it just being on and being like, oh, wow. Spider Man. So, my expectations are like, okay. Hopefully, this is gonna be good, but at the same time and sorry for everyone who's older than me. Seventies storytelling is terrible, and so I am not excited about the storytelling. So that's fine. Fair enough.
As far as my expectations are concerned, I heard about this movie for the first time when we did the pilot movie for the Captain America Yes. 2 years ago. And so the initial information I got when people were talking about this movie was it's not great. And then people told me it was also a pilot for a TV show from the 19 seventies. I'm like, oh, no. He said, oh, no. So I'm expecting cornball cheese.
Yeah. And to be perfectly honest, I I'm almost expecting it to run the same pattern as Batman 66 where it starts out good, and then it gets boring, and it ends good. I can see that. As as your wife so aptly stated when we did the, Batman 66 episode. So And that's that again, that is kind of a staple of sixties, seventies storytelling where there's Mhmm. Get your attention, and then there's a lot of dissertation because they're still they're still trying to figure out how to talk in movies.
Even though they were in the talkies for, like, the last 30 years, they're still trying to figure out how to I think it's I think it's more a matter of trying to make superheroes palatable on a TV screen. Like, that's fair. Like it was other than Batman. It was pretty unheard of at the time. And except at all, I mean, like I said, CBS started picking up other TV shows, superhero TV shows. They were known as the
Superhero Network, basically because of it. But, I mean, if you I remember seeing a lot of the old Incredible Hulk shows, and they were cornball. And so, like I said, I think it was just a matter of trying to find a way to that and the comic code. Yeah. Well, I think it I'm trying to wonder I'm not sure when the comic code was removed. I feel like It wasn't it wasn't until the nineties, bro, because I remember getting comics in the nineties that still had the comic code Right. Seal
on it. Yeah. Well, there you go. Granted in the nineties, they loosened up their you know, you weren't you didn't have people attacking people with acid ice cream cones anymore. But Yeah. Those were the days. Those ass darn acid ice cream cones, they were that was really tricky when you would get that stop the ice cream, man. Bro, literally talking about something I've seen with the Joker and the whole 19 seven
silver silver age Batman stuff. I know. But the thing is is, like, people there was a legitimate thought people had, like, could they do this? Oh, man. Alright. Well, those are expectations. For funsies, if you're watching on the YouTube side of things, or if you're just listening on your podcast catcher, you're gonna, like, I'm gonna watch the movie also. Pause this podcast, send us your expectations somehow, leave a comment, and then go watch this movie. It's on YouTube somewhere. I promise.
Yeah. All you gotta do is look up Batman and not Batman. Look up look up Spiderman 1977 movie. That's how I found it. Or if you're like Branson, pull out the VHS. Blow it off and, pull out the the the tape deck that you have and it's underneath the, the VHS player and hook both those up and just jam out to some Led Zeppelin and watch us at the same time. Yeah. Zed Led Zeppelin would have been a thing at that time, so that could that that would be a thing. I made a music reference. It made sense.
You did. Alright. Are we ready to rock and or possibly roll? Oh, let's do this, man. Dear listeners, this is your opportunity to escape. Our crew has just entered into the media projection chamber. What horrors and madness that they consume are unknown? Their mental state upon their return is unknown. You have been warned. Oh, it's over. Oh, good. Oh. Do we have to watch it again? Do we have to? Yeah. We better go do it. We'll go back in there. We'll stay awake this time. Alright.
Dear listeners, this is your opportunity to escape. Our crew has just entered into the media projection chamber. What horrors and madness that they consume are unknown? Their mental state upon their return is unknown. You have been warned. Well, I drank 6 Red Bulls, but I made it through the movie. I know. It was Did you know that blue tastes like strawberry? Oh, let's let's talk about it. Talk about it. Talk about it. All right. Spoiler free. Spoiler free. Okay. Spoiler free.
Okay. Spoiler free. I'll get this part ball rolling. Spoiler free. This movie runs at this movie moves slower than I've seen glaciers move. You know, I saw a video. There was this guy that does experiment where he locked himself in a space that had no natural light of its own. He was completely cut off from all clocks and everything else. Mhmm. And what was discovered was time moved differently for him, while he was there. Like, mentally, it moved
differently. So, like like, he went from a 24 hour day to almost a 48 hour day for him. That's how I was by just a natural developed rhythm. He'd sleep for 12 hours, go 48 hours. But what was interesting is every day, his day, he'd call, and he has to count from 1 to 120,
which would take about 2 minutes. By the end of the experiment, and I forgot how many weeks he was down there, in his mind, he was speaking normally, but it took him 5 minutes to count from 1 to 120 because time was moving so much slower for him. And I say that to say that that video was more interesting than watching this video and how long it took me to
watch this video movie. See, I thought you were just gonna say that that was would explain the time dilation I just experienced because that movie was only about it was less than an hour and a half, but it felt like 3 hours. It did. I was I was on the struggle bus. And, again, this is it not this is not just a a a shot across the belt, Spider Man the movie, but 70 storytelling. Like, I enjoy movies from every era. I can find things
in them. But 70 storytelling and 60 storytelling, it suffers with how it does dialogue and pacing and all that. And Well, not only that, but it it felt like they it felt like they felt that you needed to see how people got to places before they got there in order to understand what was going on. So there was so much, hey, here they are walking down the street for 5 minutes. Here they are driving in a car for 3 minutes where nothing's happening that's relevant to the plot.
And it's just like, look, you could just have them pull up in a car and I would know, oh, hey. They drove here. You don't have to show the entire trip. Do you think that the awkwardness of the runtime is because they were trying to pad for the TV stuff. Because it sits right at an hour and a half. Mhmm. So when you include commercials, you're looking at roughly 4 episodes of a 30 minute show. I could see that. It but they didn't release this as a multipart
episode. It was a it was a it was literally a made for TV movie with limited advertising breaks. Right. Right. I don't know. It it was just the again, 70 storytelling, it's For me, I almost think that they were doing that to because they didn't have enough story for an entire feature length episode. So they were possibility. So they padded it out to hit that hour and a half marker. I can definitely
see that being a thing. I could definitely see that being and it it was frustrating because I'm, like, why are we spending so much time here on specific scenes? And we'll talk about that here in a minute, but it the pacing was rough, ladies and gentlemen. It is a it is a rough one. Now that being said, if you are struggling with, insomnia and an ability to not sleep well, if I could recommend putting this in your playlist along with your favorite Bob Ross shows.
Yo. Bob Ross. I think, like, this movie made Bob Ross look like Van Halen. I mean You got Spider who's like, happy webs. Happy webs. Put put a happy web here, A little wall crawl here. All right. So let's talk about special effects. That's not spoilery. Let's talk about the green screening that was for some of the wall crawling. Oh,
for real, my man. Like, at first, I was like, I wonder how they oh, they had this guy crawling around on the ground like a baby and then green screened a video of the TV behind him. Now, legitimately, the live action wall crawl, it was cheesy, but it was effective. I was, okay, that's kinda cool. Mhmm. But it was the green screen specifically that I struggled with. Expect like, the first one where he's, like, experimenting with his powers in the front end of the movie, and he's crawling on the
house. Well, these are these are spoiler stuff. Oh, yeah. Well, I apologize. But there there there were some moments where they just spent too much time on the green screen, and that was part of the problem. It's like get out. Get it done because I was ruining the feel of it all. Mhmm. And it was awkward. Legitimately, there's one time guys where he's climbing a wall, and he looks like the dude pops up on his toes and his fingers, and he looks down between his legs.
It was just this really awkward moment. Bro, it literally was like the cam like, he was doing an OnlyFans a Spider Man OnlyFans shot. Like, here's my butt. It's like, you're Spider Man, not Catman. Put down. And so it's just awkward. Put it down, he says. Oh, my gosh. I yeah. As as soon as you said that, I'm like, I know exactly what scene you're talking about because I had a very uncomfortable moment with that scene myself. So So yeah. There was also a few moments
in it. We'll get into it maybe later where it felt like the script wasn't wasn't, wasn't checked for consistency. And I need I need to talk about the other wall crawl effect that they used when he was actually crawling up at the side of the building, and they used the invisible wires like I had said in the trivia. Right. That didn't work so well for me because he was moving up those things faster than his hands were. And they did it like it literally looked like he was petting the
walls. Yeah. Like he was petting them. And then they did the dumbest thing ever. At one point, there was a shot where they did a close-up of the hand. Yes. And he didn't even make contact with the wall. So it was like the demolition man. Hello or be well. You know what I'm talking about? I know. Is that what on the list does that does that qualify for the I don't think so. I think that's rated too high. Oh, man. Oh, man. But you're right. Like and I get I'm I'm trying to give it grace
for it being the seventies. Demolition man qualifies, by the way. Nope. Never mind. That's demolition. But, the, I'm trying to give it grace for, no. Devil's Man does qualify. It's a 34, ladies and gentlemen. Oh. Coming to a podcast near you. Anyways How fantastic. I'm I'm legitimately trying to give it grace because it is a seventies. This was, you know, made for TV, and there's certain things that they gotta do.
And there's there's probably a time crunch because, like, we gotta get this set for a TV show, guys. But it was it was real to watch. Of course, we're we're in the era where we have good wall crawling. Like, even Facts. The worst Spider Man movies ever of the modern era have decent wall crawling. Decent web shooting too. Yeah. Didn't look like silly string, nylon rope, or spirit Halloween cobwebs.
So, like, the only thing that would have made, I'm gonna put the the thing that would have helped me so much throughout the entirety of the film was if we had a group of people who were Mystery Science Theater 3000 the entire time. Oh, for sure. Like, this would have been the one that we should have done live, like, altogether because I I I'm just trying to picture you, me, and Bam in the
same room just unloading it. Well, you and me would be unloading on it, and Bam would be like, come on, guys. I don't know. Brent's Brent's is good enough to see the cheese, and so he'll call out the cheese. He'll still love the cheese, but he he'll call the cheese out. I sometimes I you know, I'm almost afraid, like, when he watched this movie, he watched it with rose colored glasses just because of how much he loves the character of
Spider Man to begin with. I mean, him and Ben both both of it, there's a lot of nostalgia for it. And Mhmm. We've had movies that I've had nostalgia for that I love. You guys are like, this is trash. I'm like Oh, you mean, like, well, I couldn't say, like, the last movie because that wasn't the nostalgia. That was just poor judgment on your part. Yeah. That's poor judgment on my part. No. But this is one of those things. But yeah. No. It was it was rough.
You got anything else to spoiler free that we can talk about? No. I want music. Oh, do you mean The Price is Right b roll music? Like, for y'all go back to the Bob Barker era, like, late seventies prices. Right? Like, the bad up up up up up up up up up up up It was like that pop funk that they were trying to do. It was like it wasn't even good pop funk. No, it was like elevator jazz fusion. It was so not good. It was it was easy listening disco. Right. And John Travolta is like, I can't get down
with this. I mean, I I shot a message, like, when we were watching this, I shot a message out talking about calling it prices right B roll. And your wife commented back saying it reminded her of Dragnet. So I mean, if that if that connects with some people, there you go. But it. But again, seventies TV shows. I know, but it was in the time when there was such good music they could have used. They had Led Zeppelin. Black Sabbath was still had AC. They still had Ozzy Osbourne.
But seventies t problem is you're right. If this was a feature, like, an actual movie with a major company behind it. Bro, like, most of these bands were weren't even quite in their heyday yet. Like, you could have grabbed Aerosmith. Aerosmith didn't even start making albums until 73, so they will have only been 4 years out. But they still had labels who were like, mine, make me money. Whereas what the TV shows because they're pumping
out stuff constantly. They got a backlog of, like, just, like, we paid some dude 10¢, and we own his soul now music. I'm just saying. I agree. Music could have been better. Music could have been a lot better. I'd be interested to see you rescore the movie. I don't know that I would wanna watch it again to be honest. We've already watched it once and a half times. Might as well give. No. Thanks.
I don't know. It's I think music I think that was part of the problem, though, John, with the pacing is the music didn't help. If it had better music, this is a case where better music would have tremendously helped so many scenes. Mhmm. Yep. Yep. I 100% agree with that. And so alright. Let's go to spoiler conversations. Ladies and gentlemen, the spoiler section. Real talk, why did the spoiler section bumper sound better than the music in the movie?
Because the real talk bumper was the spoiler bumper was better music than the movie. Alright. We're just we're gonna be into this is where we're gonna spoil the film. And so buckle up, hang loose. We're gonna talk about this film together. First off, did they purposely make this dude look like Christopher Reeves in this movie? Like You know, it wouldn't shock me. When did the first Superman movie come out? Let me IMDB it. It was pretty close around the same time. Superman. Superman.
Well, okay. 1978. Okay. So maybe that was just the stereotypical pretty boy look. I mean, it could be. Like, guys kinda had that haircut throughout this movie, so I could see that. But Yeah. I'm I'm picking up what you're putting down. I will say that Peter Parker's lab partner would have made a better Peter Parker than the guy who they had playing Peter Parker would have. I think that he had more of a personality than this
guy, for sure. Yeah. He just came off as, like, it didn't again, I try to give it grace because I know that they they they take things and they do things differently. But it didn't feel like Peter Parker at all outside the fact that he was broke and he was always he was always asking for, like, a buck fifty. Like, that's like it's what it felt like. Is that you got a buck fifty? Like,
it was a buck fifty. He was, like, $1.47, which, by the way, I translated out the money he was asking for is, like, $230 today. But I get it. He's broke, and but that was the only Peter Parky thing he he was. He wasn't endearing. He wasn't funny. He wasn't a geeky, He wasn't sarcastic. Yeah. Like like, just all the elements that make Peter Parker Peter Parker weren't there, and they weren't there in a okay. But we're gonna make it a good replacement. You know, you have the the vast
spider verse. We have all these different Peter Parkers, like Spider Man Noir and all those other things. And they removed a lot of what made Peter Parker, Peter Parker, but they're still fascinating, and they're still a core. Like, the motivation for this Spider Man was nonexistent outside of the fact that he was poor, and he wanted to make money. What's Bro bro was the mayonnaise of Peter Parker's.
I just realized that his motivation was the motivation for Spider Man in the first movie in the first issue of of the comic, which was I wanna make money. But it wasn't but instead of, like, just go and be a wrestler, it was let me help people. I was I was waiting for Bone Saw to show up. Bone Saw's ready.
Also wanna point out the fact that the lab his his lab partner completely destroyed the logic behind the origin story in this in this movie because he was just like, man, if there's any kind of a leak, it's gonna be complete you're gonna completely die for the sake of science, and I'm talking about how all that radiation would just kill you. Right. Well, if it's gonna kill you, it's gonna kill that spider that was in the tank. You know what I mean? So it just completely logically
killed the movie. Right. I'm like, In the manifestation of his powers. Like, it was so quick. He's, like, he's walking out from like, he leaves the lab, goes picks up his meds, and then all of a sudden, he's like, let me climb a wall. Granted, he's being chased by me. Like, there was nothing to this. It was just, like, bam. Here we go. And he just knows what he's doing. And he didn't realize he climbed the wall until after he was done. It wasn't a jump up on the wall
and be like, what the crap? And as slow as he climbed. Uh-huh. Oh, my gosh. The captain the police captain was overkill. Like, Jim Carrey levels of overacting. I can see that. It it was just like he had one gear, and it was constantly angry and yelling. That man that man should have been the j Jonah Jameson in this movie. That would have been pretty lit, actually. That would have been a real good recast. That would have that would then I wouldn't have had that not my j j j
comment that I threw down. Like, if you guys see my comments that I that I had made in the in the community interaction segment, I made that literally while I was watching the movie. I mean, to take you outside of the TV, to take you outside of our shows, our shows lore, that that is legit. What was happening and j Jonah Jameson is one of my favorite characters in Spider Man. Like, I like when I play the games, I specifically listen to his his podcasts that he puts out because
they just amuse me. His his anger his anger and blatant hypocrisy makes me laugh. It makes me giggle like an Anson fan. You know? Anson fan. That's fair. So and just how big of a swing and a miss it was with the personality in this movie. Just it offended me on some level. I get that. I really get that.
Another thing that just didn't make sense to me was he all he's done is climbed up a wall, and then he's he's basically pivoting in the middle of a meeting with J Jonah trying to go, I I I got pictures of Spider Man, and he's he's great. He's making up stuff on as he goes, but all of a sudden, he's like, yeah. He he climbed walls, but also he's he's he's super strong, like like, proportionally stronger for a man of his size. And he has spin webs, and he's saying all these these things. I'm like,
how do you know this? Like, today, he's never spun a web. He's not done anything that requires strength. All he did was slowly climb up a wall and then awkwardly walk on a green screen at his mom's house or his aunt's house. Like, that's all he's done to date. Like, there's been there were no acts of strength, and there was no conversation about web web spinning whatsoever.
And he just again, this is what I was talking about earlier about it feels like they did not think about the script very well in continuity. Like, there's a whole scene at the beginning of the movie where he's there watching the television, and the news comes out about the extortion of the city with the terrorists. And Jay Jones' like, why is this on TV? Why don't we have this? And then they're planning this. The next scene, Peter's left there. He's gone to the lab,
and his lab partner's, like, talking. He goes, have you read the papers? It's all it's all on the papers. No. It's not. They literally just said it's not in the paper. They're planning it right then and there when you left the building, you dingbat. Right. I will say there was one moment where they did show the super strength when that guy was pinned behind the wheel. And so they did they did show that. So But not till after he said there was
super strength. I know, but I'm I'm just saying maybe he just knew what in the same way that he just knew he could climb up the building. So I guess so. I guess so. What else is there? How about the relationship with Homegirl where I was like, hey. Your dad almost died. Wanna hang out? Right. That's that's completely how it was. But again, like, that's kind of how it works out with these types of TV shows. Like, I don't know. Have you ever seen Greatest American Hero?
There there were a lot of parallels I could draw between that the pilot for that movie and the pilot for this. Right. Although Greatest American Hero actually entertained me. But, yeah, they they just ham fistedly throw love and a love interest in there for you to will they won't they over. So. Right. I was a little bit shocked that they didn't have it be, MJ. So That was one of the things that throw me off. MJ or Gwen has to be
one of the 2, in my opinion. And and the thing about it is the only the only thing in this in this movie that had to do with the Spider Man universe that they had in it was Spider Man and j j j j Jonah Jameson. Everything else was just original IP. Right. Like the entire the entire 2 thirds of this movie, I spent thinking to myself, okay, who's the villain gonna be? You know? Yeah. Everybody knows that I love
villains in superhero stories. Yeah. And I'm like, is it gonna so with it being hypnosis and all that, it's probably gonna be Mysterio. That's gonna be awesome. Can't wait to and it turned out to be that the supervillain was some guy. A cult leader? No. Just some guy. I I and I went out looking in the database after that, and apparently, for the entirety of the TV series, they decided to steer away from
doing super villains. And the the Spider Man only fought against, like, practical villains and bank robbers and stuff like that. So you never got anything that would have constituted as any sort of Marvel property for the villains. Who are in the know? Is this a rights issue? Was it a matter that they couldn't afford the rights to the other characters? All they could afford was the right to Spider Man and Spider Man ish things. It wasn't because I'd that was part of how how I
looked it up. I'm gonna pull up I'm I'm gonna pull that up real quick. While you're pulling that up, while we're talking about random villains, why were there random like, absolutely out of the blue random kinto fighters that just pop up in the bat the bad guy's lair? I had the same question. Like like, out of the blue, like, he's sneaking around. Let me play play this. Yeah. He's sneaking around the bad guy's lair, guys.
And this is a the bad guy is a a a caucasian businessman cult leader type of guy who has been hypnotizing people. And, randomly, 3 kinto fighters come out, and they're attacking Spider Man. And you're like, what? Like, where did you guys come from? Like, nothing, like, nothing makes sense here. They're just, like, let's throw this in here. And then granted, I give you sometimes in the in comics, weird things just just happen. They just kinda pop out. But this was really super random, guys.
Alright. So, basically, what I what I have here, this is reading directly from IMDB. Okay? It says, in an attempt to keep show the show rooted in reality and keep costs controllable, the show's producers decided, for better or worse, to have Spider Man take on real life criminals instead of the supervillains from the comics.
This was a wasted opportunity, considering that there are numerous major Spider Man villains who are relatively down to earth in concept and could have been depicted inexpensively, such as the chameleon, Kraven the hunter, Mysterio, the enforcers, and Wilson Fisk, amongst others. Yeah. So they just did for me, it was just laziness. Right. It's just I'm going back through the IDB now. I'm trying to find if I can find anything whatsoever about these kinto fighters.
And I they're not even listed as cast on IMDB. And at the end of the movie, like, they have these, like, promotional shots with them that Spider Man took for for money purpose for because he he needs his he needs his $47. And No. He got it he got them $47 from the lady he that he started dating after Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's true. Do you even need any money anymore? He didn't need the money at all, but it's just it was just so random, and they just threw it in there. You're, like, is it why?
Why are we doing this? Oh, my goodness. I think it was just because at the time, the whole kung fu karate coming to America via Bruce Lee was a thing. And so it was just like, hey, this is hot with the kids right now. Let's throw this in and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Because that's how TV executives thought back in the day. It didn't have to make sense as long as it was something that would sell. Right. I don't know. It was it was just strange to me for some reason.
Speaking of straight that whole thing with the Kenzo fighters, my dude webs him to the ground in the most useless way. Celeste's words were, did they go to Spirit Halloween to get his web shooters? Because, literally, it's just like a like a a Here's a blanket if you're cold. Wasn't even that. It was like, here. Here's a little cotton. Here you go, guys. Let me tuck you
in, mister kinto fighter. And then then then, like, like, he runs out and, like, literally, it's like they went, oh, take this off and kept chasing him. Like, it did nothing. Like like, did you guys read a Spider Man comic? Like, did you go, like did you just look at the cover of 1? He went, okay. So he wears red, and he wears blue, and he has some funny shaped eyes. And It it it was almost like it was almost like it was an accidental discharge.
It was just if you or your loved one has overactive overactive web bladders, please call. You may be entitled for compensation. Like, it is almost like it was almost like I expected him to apologize. Oh, sorry, guys. It just happened. I It's gotta have, like, a web diaper. Oh, no. I wet my hands. Oh, man. Depends. You guys got you missed the opportunity to do some marketing right there. Depends. Alright.
Another thing that was strange, the random, like, going back to your conversation with JJ, how he just randomly is angry at Spider Man at the end. Like, there's no reason given, and he's never really had a good reason except well, I take it back. There is a comic where it gives reasoning, but even in the comics, like, he didn't like Spider Man out from the beginning at all, period. But in this, like, it was just so random. He's like, he's a he's a terrible person. I'm like,
what? Like, where did this come from? And in the final words of of Peter Parker, the final movie, when he's like, how did you do this? He goes, easy. I believe. Okay. So that puts, Spider Man in the Santa Claus universe now. I I was waiting for him to pop up a a cancer of Mentos and walk away. Little jump and little click of his heels as he walks down the street. I I wanted to catch that pause frame, you know, him midair with his thumb up. You know?
Meanwhile, in the background, Bruce Banner's is like, stupid happy endings. Playing the sad walking away music. And then it all just, like it becomes a stylized, like, dramatic look like a Jojo, scene from Jojo's Bizarre Ventures. It'd be great. Oh, my goodness. Alright. So this was not a good movie, people. I I I know I know we normally save that for the ratings, but this this was not great. Let's go ahead and get to the rating. Unless you got something else to say here, Dallas.
Just one more gripe I had, which was the fact that, Peter's constant sneezing was simply so he could drop his device that I wasn't sure what it was doing. He was trying to check track the microwaves that was being used to control the hypnotized people. Right. He was already there, like, he he passed the window, then he was on top of the building. I'm, like, you you're already there. Just go in the window. I I I don't know. And he goes,
Achoo, and he drops it. I'm, like It was the only time in to be fair, they set it up with aunt aunt May telling him, did you take your allergy medication? Right. But this was the only time in the movie where he was sneezing. Like, he sneezed. He he and he was he was sneezing over and over and over and over again until he dropped it. Right. And then the moment he stepped off the roof, he never sneezed again. It was like, I think he was just allergic to that roof. Possibly. Possibly.
Alright. Well, let's go ahead and rate this movie. I'll go ahead and run. Oh, actually, I won't because I don't have my notes in front of me anymore. Dallas, why don't you go ahead and tell explain the reading reasons in case someone's new to the show. Yeah. So here at the bottom shelf, we have a multi tier rating system for every movie we watch. As you guys know, it's a journey that we're going through to watch these films and rate them. And so we have the top shelf, which is
where we go, you know what? I need to own this. This is a great movie. I love it. I need it. Then you have middle shelf, which is I'd watch it maybe for the streaming. And then you have bottom shelf for, like, oh, gosh. No. This is not a good movie, and I will probably never watch it again, actually, ever. And then we have the dumpster fire, which is where we go, I will actively try to keep people from watching this movie, period. End of discussion.
Alright. Well, being as you were kind enough to read that because I was dumb enough to close my notes before we're done with the show, why don't you go ahead and give your rating first? Yeah. So, this is not a good movie, and we know it's not a good movie. But contrary to other Spider Man movies that no longer exist in our timeline, it didn't make me angry. Like, it made more sense and, I could follow it. And, again, it's time locked in the seventies, a TV movie seventies. So I have a little bit
more grace for it. So I it's not a dumpster fire, but it is a hard bottom shelf. Like, it's last time I said it's, like, dangling from the bottom shelf over the dumpster fire. This movie is steadying over it like scar over Mufasa going long live the king on madam web. That's what's happened here. That just gave me a that just made me think of that meme that you see of that guy who's standing on a podium just dumping champagne over his face, getting the finger to every all that. And then they're
like in 8th place. Like, that's this movie right here. Yeah. Basically. Oh, my gosh. As far as my rating is concerned, I want a dumpster fire this so bad. Like, I this movie made me so bored while I was watching it. I know we did that little, bit at for the watching the movie where we had to watch it twice. I I don't
know that I could watch this twice. Although there was something that was said at the beginning of this podcast that steered me off of dumpster firing it, which was when you said this would be a good movie to MST 3 k. Yeah. And I'm like, I think under those circumstances, I probably would watch this again. Mhmm. So given that that saved it from the flames of the dumpster, I I too am going to like this is did you ever see the movie The Naked Gun?
Yeah. You remember at the end where, Ricardo Montalban got run over by the steamroller? Mhmm. That's this movie on the bottom shelf. Like, it's it's on the bottom shelf, and it got steam roled into the bottom shelf so hard it's completely flat with the bottom of the bottom shelf. You know what I mean? Yeah. I give you that. It it really is, though. It it would be a great get the gang together, and let's just have some popcorn and make fun and have and have fun with the film.
Yeah. But don't watch it by yourself. It's it's not good. It's not meant for human consumption. It's FDA not approved. It's it's bad. Like, the reason, like, legitimately, if you listen to what Dallas and I are saying right now, the only way this movie is good is if you have friends that are going to be there to bring the entertainment to the movie. Do you see what I'm
saying? Like, this movie, this this movie, like, I I made the joke earlier that this Peter Parker was the mayonnaise of Peter Parker. Well, he he's the mayonnaise in this movie is the white bread of Spider Man movies. So it's a mayonnaise on white bread sandwich is what it is. Walmart brand. Great value. White bread. Exactly. Like the $0.99 a loaf of white bread. Oh, my goodness. Alright. Well, it's unanimous, ladies and gentlemen. Bottom shelf.
Let's let's speed through this because I don't I don't wanna talk about this movie anymore. Welcome to the weak connection section of this podcast where we try to find something redemptive or spiritual or possibly both in regards to this load of crap that we just forced ourselves to sit through for your enjoyment. Captain Dallas, do you have something to share with us to, possibly redeem or I do. Give glory? I do indeed. So the the premise of this whole movie is simply the fact that there is a,
the terrorist. He's he's he's unfortunately, preying on people's insecurities and wanting to manipulate them. And they're looking for some form of success, but not at the same time. It was very confusing. I'm not sure he knew what he was selling either, but he was manipulating people who had put themselves in places where they were looking for something else.
Judy, the, Peter's, very quick love interest that he suddenly falls in love with, after her dad almost dies, she was like, you know, she's just distraught, and she just she's like, I'm gonna do this. And she allows herself to be captured by the enemy and, literally, her mind just captured. And what he's doing is he's controlling their minds. He's manipulating them.
And, unfortunately, this happens a lot with people who deal with grief and deal with certain things where they just they give their minds to certain things. And, I'm I'm I'm thought my thoughts are about Colossians chapter 3 verse 2, and and the church calls you. They're dealing with some stuff. There's some heresy seeping in, some early gnosticism, and other kind of junk, and people are going, well, maybe maybe this is this is good too. Maybe this is good. And
Paul is bringing correction. He goes, hey. Set your minds on things of of above, not the things of the earth. So set your things on on scripture. Set your things on what God has for you. And that's that's key for a lot of things when we're dealing with grief and depression, anxiety, and fears, when we're dealing with with loss, when we're dealing with various other aspects of life, when we're dealing with, you know, just life, we have to keep our mind on things above.
Because when we have that mindset of, like, what what actually pleases the Lord? What is taking place? It helps us to navigate and respond correctly to life situation. Life happens. It it sucks. It's terrible sometimes. God doesn't promise the Christian life as a, hey. Sunshine and rainbows all the time. Life sucks because we live in a fallen world. But if we keep our mind on Christ, we respond appropriately to the things of the world, and we navigate appropriately.
And that includes a variety of things that we can it's gonna take much longer podcast for us to impact, but that's my my, my weak connection for you today. Alright. I got one. I don't have a specific scriptural reference to throw in there, but it comes down to the scene where Peter Parker and J. Jonah Jameson are talking about Spider Man for the first time. And he said, and Jameson says, so what's his deal? Why does he do it? He goes, to help people. I mean, if you got these great powers,
what would you do? And he's like, I joined the circus. And it comes down to the giftings that God gives you in your life. Everybody has a gifting of some sort. Yeah. And there's 2 paths people take with it, but, ultimately, what it comes down to is God doesn't give you a gifting to serve yourself Mhmm. For your own personal enjoyment. It doesn't mean that you can't enjoy your gifting. That's not the reason why he gave it to you. He gave it to you to
help others, to serve others. Yeah. For his glory. And so take a brief moment of introspection and just think about what are your giftings and what are you doing with them? Because I can promise you that the world is in the condition that it's in now because people use their gifting selfishly.
Totally. And if you can step outside of yourself and use that to serve others and bring others to a better place, and if that can impact other people to do the same, then that's a step forward to, you know, going to the 19 seventies dogma of give the give teach the world to sing or have a Coke and smile. You know, it it does. It it it it advances the kingdom, but it also does will make your portion of the world a better place to be in. So Yeah.
Good stuff, man. I like it. Yeah. I kind of came up with it on the spot. It just popped in there. Otherwise, I'd have scripture and have it a little bit more thought out. But No, it's good, though, man. That's there's a lot to that whole aspect of, like, using your gifts to help people. Yeah. Not just being selfish about things. Or making money. Yeah. I mean, there's yeah. Alright. Well, let's let's go ahead and shut this down, mister Mora. How do we do that again?
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening to our episode today. If you have enjoyed it, if you liked it, do us a favor. Share out the podcast with all your friends. Be like, hey. I have this podcast where they're talking about terrible movies. Check it out, and, do us a favor. Like it on YouTube, hit the share button, all that good stuff, but interact with us. Ladies and gentlemen, we are part of the Geek Devotions podcast network, and there's a whole lot of things happening
there. We have the Spider fan podcast. We have We Read Allegedly, which John is part of. We have Com Talk. We have the Gundam Watch, and we have very various other projects happening all the time. And you follow that geekto oceans.com. You can find John at a link tree that we'll have in in the description down below, including several projects he does, including playing games with strangers and whatnot. But, also, we have a Discord channel for
Geek Devotions and a Facebook group. This group called is, is called, devoted Geeklights. And then we have a Discord channel, which we'll have a link in the show notes before, below. Interact with us, guys. Tell us how well you like the episodes. Tell us you'll like the episodes. Be kind. Be courteous, but do life with us. And we do respond to people. We do talk with people quite in-depth on the Discord. So if you really wanna interact with us, that's the place
to do it. Yeah. We had a whole conversation. Some we we we for our community outreach, we that's where we get from the Discord. And there was some miscommunication. They thought we're talking about the the animated cartoon from the seventies, not this this movie, which honestly would have been a better thing for us to talk about. You know? But, anyways Probably a more mature storyline too. But there's a whole conversation took place there today, and we'd like to talk with you guys. So,
I think that's about it, John. Alright. Well, until next time. Stay devoted. Peace and