Hello, kitties. It's your old pal, John Kucir, the voice of the cryptkeeper, and you're listening to the bottom shelf. Dallas? What? What the heck is this? I don't know. What what are what are these? What what are these? Those are VHSs. No. Bro, I just I no no no no no no. You don't understand. I just pulled I just I just pulled these out of the dumpster. What is what is Bloodsport and Kickboxer doing in the dumpster? Bro, these were fantastic. I was Were they? Hello, bro.
You know, you remember in the Chronicles of Narnia when Aslan's like, don't quote the ancient magics to me, which I was there when the ancient magics were formed, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, like, that's me when it comes to, like, these eighties action films. Like, I was there. Like, this is my child. What dude, they had temple they had temple of doom down there. What? No way. Seriously. I don't know Last Dragon, I guess. Prepare yourself to discover a world of terrible movies.
High above the planet Geekeri, a group of intrepid explorers hover over the dangerous planet in their fabulous super orbital spacecraft. Their mission, to conduct a complete analysis of movies known throughout the universe as terrible. So grab your space popcorn, grab your freeze dried ice cream, and join us for today's mission of discovery and wonder. Are these movies better than the galaxy thinks? Or do they really belong on the bottom shelf?
Hello, movie lovers and movie haters, and welcome to the bottom shelf, the place where every movie has a place. I'm Dallas. And with me joining me on this adventure is John. That's me. He was very upset today. Fortunately, John, this is a show that lets people know they love and they're cared for. So, John, you're loved. You care for. Calm down. Relax. Oh. Woofsa. I I feel like I honestly feel like somebody is mocking me
or, like, insulting me. Like, bro, this these were like, this defines night these movies define 1988, 1989 for me. Like, seriously, that's Wow. I can't I not only not only can I not, but I won't? I will not. Wow. Cannot and I will not, sir. This this needs to be addressed. We need to show the world that these movies do not belong in the dumpster. That is our that is my mission this month, maybe, please. Okay. I mean, sure. Why not? They're here. You've already pulled them out of the dumpster.
You you've knocked off the grease. Let's fire up the VHS player. Do what what do we do? Do we have a VHS player? What do you think we've been watching these on? I thought these were on film. Well, that explains the resolution. No, man. Come on. You and I both know fatal deviation was on no film anywhere. Alright? I'm not near how to pull out a Betamax for that thing. Sir, I'd Kevin had it on some weird Irish format. So I just
This is true. I I thought he threw a gold coin at a rainbow, and that was how they did their movies back there. Oh, oh my gosh. Well, let's let's let's let's do this. I'll tell you what. Let me pull out when we flip the database, what does it say about Bloodsport here? It says, in 1988, Sheldon Litchi felt the wind of Frank Duke's bag of farts and decided to make a movie out of it.
After partnering with, Newt Arnold, whose directing career could be described as always the bridesmaid but never the bride, they reached out to a young, mostly sober Jean Claude Van Damme to act out the fictional world of Frank Duke. I'm sorry. The fictional Frank Duke created and inspired the greatest martial arts character of all time, Johnny Cage. Bro. Okay. I have always wondered if Frank Dukes was the was the inspiration for Johnny Cage and Bloodsport because there
Yeah. There's no way he's not. Yeah. I think Jean Claude Van Damme period is a is the inspiration for it. You know, he inspired, he inspired, flawless victory. What was it called? Fatal deviation. That's that's that's it. So wrong. You know, good art inspires good art. That's all I'm gonna say. Oh my gosh. I went to a big, Mortal Kombat phase for a little bit, and I played several games. And Johnny Cage was questionable at times, but he was always Jean Claude Van Damme.
Uh-huh. Except without the French accent. Yeah. Exactly. Alright. Well, let me read the back of the box you got here. Alright. Let's see here. Bloodsport takes you where few have ever gone, inside the hidden Konkong arena where elite combatants clash in the Kumite, a little known, but hotly contested world championship of full contact fighting. So Joe Rogan's here. No rest, Westerner had ever won this Titanic tournament until the arrival of iron wheeled American Frank Dukes, who was sport.
Who was the who was the iceberg to this Titanic tournament? Bloodsport. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I I need to pause you for a second here, Dallas. Everybody okay. Here's here's the thing I need I need I need to tell you. I love reading about what a lot of people will call fake martial arts and watching stuff on that. And the first the first thing you will ever learn in fake martial arts 101 is who Frank Dukes is.
This guy is a charlatan in the first degree, and and, and, like like, for real, he is to the martial arts world what who what Ed and Lorraine Warren is. Makes for great storytelling. Don't get me wrong. Charlatan through and through. So, go ahead, Dallas. I you're I I just wanted to throw it out there. You're gonna get you're gonna get a lot of sarcastic comments from me about Frank Dukes. A lot of shade. Alright. Picking back up. Blood sport
is his story. A true life triumph of bedrock courage, uncanny skill, and steadfast loyalty. As Duke as Duke, Jean Claude Van Damme also enjoyable, also enjoyed a true life triumph. This role perfectly suited his appealing mix of physique, charm, and martial arts expertise, and kickbox his career as a commanding box office action favorite into overdrive. Van Damme has dazzled audiences ever since playing heroes who, simply refuse to lose.
And when Van Damme and when Van Damme's, Dukes steps into the mat, blood sport isn't just a sport. It's a war. I like how this went from, like, tell me about the movie to, hey. Jean Claude Van Damme is amazing. I I I like I I like how it says heroes that refuse to lose, my mind goes, and refuse to go on stage unless they've downed their 8 ball of Coke. In the meantime, the far better actor is dying of cancer. Oh, terrible. Rip. Raul Julia, you are a legend. Word.
Alright. Why don't you do some trivia for us there, John? Oh, can I really? Okay. Well, I wanna I wanna first start out, and I need to see if I can find an exact number for it here. But in this movie, I need to find an exact number here. But there is a martial arts, like, a literal martial arts legend in this movie. Can you tell? And it's not it isn't Jean Claude Van Damme. Apparently, the the guy who plays the villain in this movie, his name is Bolo Ewan, and he is a martial arts cinema legend.
Yeah. Go ahead and look him up on IMD IMDB, Fermidales. Got him. Well, hold on. It's not listening. There he is. Bolo Jong. Go ahead and, go ahead and tell me how many movies do you see on there that you recognize? Oh, goodness gracious. This might backfire because it just occurred to me that I know more about kung fu movies than the average bear. Let me scroll through scroll through his 110 movies listed as an actor, not stunts, but an actor. The the papa. Ironheart,
I know that one. Double impact, know that one. So it's 2. Loading more. Bloodsport, 3. Bruce Lee's, dragon fights back, 4. A few moments later. Okay. Okay. I gotta tone down my excitement a little bit on this fact now. The dragon, the hero, 5. But you get the point. Bro has been in some stuff, right? Enter the dragon. 6. Yes. Enter the I forgot he was an enter the dragon. That's right. So when I say legend, homeboy was in enter the freaking dragon with with Bruce Lee. Okay.
Do you know how old he was in this movie? I don't know. How old was he? Bro was 42 years old. Wow. He was in Bloodsport versus, like, 20. I think what was JCVD I think was like 22 when he did blood sport. Something like that. I thought maybe it was 28. I mean, I've heard the phrase. I've heard the phrase black don't crack. But I mean, this guy looked like props to BOLO. I mean, that man is legendary, and he was phenomenal Oh, yeah. In this movie.
And in this movie, though, Jean Claude Van Damme actually knocked out Bernard, Mariano with his elbow, and the scene made it into the movie. Wow. So kudos to you, JCVD, for not caring about your, co actors. To be fair, I've heard I mean, in in even the best controlled environments where you have martial arts movies, somebody's gonna get smacked around. Oh, for sure. And it's gonna happen. I mean, look at Jackie Chan movies. You look at Bruce Lee's movies. Oh, Oh, 100%
movies. You know you know who's notorious for that? Who? Steven Seagal. Oh, yeah. He's he's actually known to speaking of, fake martial artists, check him out. He, is has been known to, like, just go full contact on his costars just because he needs to feel, masculine, I guess. I don't know. Lord. Also another fact about this movie. This is one of the very few films that are featuring scenes that were filled inside the Kowloon walled city before its destruction. Oh, wow.
So the Kowloon walled city that you see in this movie is the real thing. The. This is gonna say something that you won't understand until you watch this movie, Dallas. Mhmm. Frank Duck, Frank Dukes was the actual fight coordinator for this film. When JCVD was cast, Dukes announced that Van Dam wasn't nearly good and in good enough shape to put him through this and, put him through a 3 month training program.
And Van Damme, a world championship martial artist in his own right, called it the hardest thing of his life. Wow. Yeah. So, schlock, meet schlock, I guess. I don't Right. To be fair, he was legitimately military. And so our mill our our our our men and women who serve the military, the training they go through is legitimately hard. And he was a marine corps, and so that's legitimately Mhmm. Marine corps training is is pretty rough.
So, I mean, I'm not saying that he was top notch, but I could see him pushing though through more in core training. I'm I'm gonna I'm gonna cry foul where all all initial armed service training is tough because that's what boot camp is designed to be. Mhmm. The information I've seen on Frank Dukes is none of his actual career training that is on his publicly listed record has anything to do with combat of any sort. Right. So liar liar, pants on fire to him. Yes.
But we're not we're not here we're not here to I I I'm we need to back this up because my biases are pointing jumping in because this movie was legitimately, like, one of the greatest movies in my childhood. So I we need to figure out why is this on here. Well, let's let's hit the community outreach. Let's go ahead and do that. We'll we'll tag team it. Alright? Alright. 1st person agreeing with you, homie of mine, Robbie. Blake, he says, just the all time best martial arts movie.
Okay. Well, buddy of mine, Carlos Renfield says classic Renfro? Renfro. I said Renfro. Okay. So that's a word for Dracula. Carlos. I am so sorry. Right before the show, we were talking about Josh Berkey. Berkey likes Nicholas cage, and he was recently in a Dracula movie called Renfield. And I was trying to think of a Nicholas Cage movie to watch with Josh it's it's it's sorry, my dude. I am so sorry.
My friend Carlos Renfro, whose last name I did know, I promise, says classic, loosely based on a real tournament, mindless violent fun. This I would agree with. Yes. Yes. Why don't Dale? No. No. Why don't you go ahead and read number 4? Because that's just going to be weird if I have to read. Oh, okay. John, are you? Says, surely not everyone was kung fu fighting. Dale. Excuse me. Dale. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cough all over your name, my dude. Says best Street Fighter movie ever.
You know, I would not I would not be surprised if this also inspired that video game series as well. Oh, Bobby s, who is my father-in-law, says, good action. Acting is, good action, bad acting. The only good Van Damme movie is time cop because I had the actual plot. It had an actual plot plot in, depended and did depend on the muscles of Brussels to carry it. And so good good action, bad acting is what his thoughts were. You know, I feel you could say that's just any
action movie from this time period, though. Right. I mean, you know? Anyway, let's go ahead and get to our expectations then. Dallas, being as I'm the one who pulled this up in outrage and disgust, why don't you go ahead and set your expectations while I try to sift through my, feelings my complex feelings about the situation we're in. Complex feelings about it. Okay. So my expectations, I watched this as a kid years ago. And I remember enjoying it.
So I, however, have grown to learn that the '80s were rough in their storytelling. And and power ballads are not my favorite thing. So I expect to see, awkward walking around with music playing, senseless violence that's gonna be fun to watch. And I think I'll end up enjoying the movie as a whole. Yeah. I'm kind of on the same thing. Like, I haven't seen this movie in a long time.
But from what I remember of it, what I'm expecting to see is a lot of really awesome kung fu scenes, intense action, a lot of training, a lot of really a lot a lot of style over substance in that 80 fat eighties fashion. You know what I mean? Yeah. But done in very tongue and cheek sort of way. Mhmm. So that is my expectation. I'm I'm expecting to love every minute of it. Sort of like did you ever see Expendables 2?
Yeah. The second one's my favorite one because they really lean into that cheeky 19 eighties action. And, that that's what I'm expecting from this. Speaking of The Expendables 2. Okay. JCVD was the bad guy in that movie. He was, wasn't he? He was. And he was fantastic in that movie. I was asking myself earlier this week, was there any movie he was ever good in? That was it. I loved him in that movie.
Alright. Anyway, let's, now that we've got the expectations in, are you ready to see a piece of cinematic art? I am. Let's do it. Alright. Let's go. Dear listeners, this is your opportunity to escape. Our crew has just entered into the media projection chamber. What horrors and madness that they consume are unknown? Their mental state upon their return is unknown. You have been warned. Look, John. All I'm saying is that you don't have to try to do the splits every time you see a
Jean Claude Van Damme movie. It's not good for you, man. You can't bend that way. Dude, it works for the guy in Fatal Deviation. Yeah. But right now, you're you have, like, a 6 pound bag of, like, crushed ice on your thigh. Are are you calling me fat, Dallas? Yes. Oh, we're rolling. Alright. So we're done watching the movie. And, and, it was a movie. And, at this point in the show, we're gonna share our thoughts. And we're gonna try
to spoiler free thoughts. We're just gonna give general thoughts about the film, and just in case you want to watch it. Now I want those out there for you viewers. John and I are watching it on this, lovely VHS they pulled out of the dumpster, But you can watch this for free and legally on Tubi, right now. So, John, what are your spoil free thoughts My spoilery thoughts. My spoiler free thoughts on this movie that I can sum up this movie.
I can I can sum up this movie without spoiling a single thing in it with one sentence? Okay. Alice, I can. Are are you ready? I'm ready. You are about to be amazed by how much I'm about to sum up this movie with a single sentence that you're gonna be like, wow, this episode's over. By how much I'm going about to sum up this movie with a single sentence and how much it does not spoil anything in this movie. Okay. My childhood is a lie, Dallas.
Okay. Well, join us next week as we talk about kickboxer. And, see what happens in, John's life there. When you say your childhood is a lie, are you what what are we talking about here, buddy? Are we talking about the fact that you were you you you had the Easter biting, still in your in your life up until last month? Or, like, what's happening here? Yo. Like, I remember watching this movie and just being awestruck by every
capacity of this movie. Like, you remember how I talked up best of the best to you and Bam when we watched that movie? And you remember how horse crap Best of the Best was when we finally watched that movie? I do recall this. Do you remember how much Branson talked up Guy Ver too before we watched the movie? Yep. Do you see a pattern here? Oh, I see it. I see it all coming together here. What happened to my childhood, Dallas? Was it all a lie? Well, first off, John, you were a child.
You still thought Play Doh tasted good. Dude, Play Doh still does taste good. We got deeper issues to talk about today, ladies and gentlemen. Why is your sister walking in? Just sit on that big, long couch over there, John. Oh my gosh. No. I I feel you. Definitely, how do I put this? It's not a movie that aged well, and I don't know if that's a a matter of we've seen better or if it's a matter of we were just young. Although I know other people we we heard other people say how much they
love this movie. Right. I think we can go spoiler free with this comment. Some of it is, and you and I had a conversation about this earlier about the the fighting some of the fighting a lot of was super off. And, like, like, the they were not filming punches and kicks well, and so it was clear they were fake. And then there were thing there were people who were like, I'm a martial artist. And and now I get I'm gonna put this out there, guys. I am not an expert martial artist whatsoever.
I have did some classes when I was a kid. As a teenager, did some stuff. I've kept up You hear that Frank Dukes? That he he actually has training. He I I my money's on Dallas. If you Dallas, if you fight here, I'm gonna put it out there right now. Frank Dukes, the bottom shelf challenges you to a Kumite. What? What is happening here? How about no? Okay. The man's 68 years old. We don't need No, Dallas. I think we can take him. Call up the Paul brother. He'll love to
do that. He likes fighting old people. So That's that that's it. We're gonna do Tyson versus Frank Dukes. Oh, my gosh. But anyways, I know enough to know that some of these cats were just they were they were not good actors. And they did not know what they're doing. There are some people who are legitimately are I could sell they have a training, they know what they're doing. But there are some people like, what are you doing in this in this scene?
And I think that lends itself. You you mentioned how you've you've really gotten into watching UFC right now. Mhmm. Once you see, like, the real thing and certain stuff, when you see people acting it out and doing it poorly, it's hard to do it. I I mentioned it to you, like, people who are musicians. I know people who are who are talented, talented musicians. You're you
included. And watching movies and shows where somebody's playing an instrument, it drives people like you nuts because you're like, your fingers aren't even in the right spot, you know, or you're you're not even in the right beat with your with your drumming. Or like when I when I hear or see people talk about guns in a way that's like, no, that's not how that works. Why do we keep coming back to fatal deviations conversation? What's happening? Because, again, it's the same movie.
The same movie. Oh, gosh. Bro, like, for real, though, it's like never mind. I just train of thought gone. It's alright. I'll say this. It's like what Bobby said is that good action, but the the acting was bad, throughout a lot of this movie. It's like I I feel like I have, like, some kind of Mandela effect going on when it comes to this movie because it's so bad. Yeah. But it's like everything's there. I remember, you know, I mean, like, it's not like
I misremembered the movie. And it's and like, it's not like it was in like, in Branson's case where, you know, I'm I'm remembering it with rose colored glasses, and it just wasn't how I remembered it. Like, it's it's how I remembered it, but I remembered it being good. I don't know how to put it outside of that. And and part of it is, yes, I I I in the past 2 years, I've really gotten into UFC.
And while we were watching this movie, I was telling Dallas that once you see what real violence looks like Mhmm. Unless someone's an actual technician to understand not only how to fight, but the angles that you need to see things in order to make not fighting look real. Right. You have to have some real technique in order to do that. And that's just not Frank Dukes, when you're Frank Dukes is the a fight choreographer. Well, again, that that speaks to how bad
he was. Right. Right. And and that's and that's that's that's partly what I'm saying. But on the other end of it, though, like, I remember the action being better. You understand? And it reminds me of, you know, for some of you have been along the been along on the ride with me this year. This year has been the year I've
really gotten back into hip hop. Yeah. Thank thanks to the Kendrick and Drake beef, and you're gonna hear you're gonna hear a lot about that on the next loft episode that I've been teasing forever. But I I've got l j, previously of the Geeks Under Grace podcast. I don't remember the name of the group that he's with now. I think that's Comets of the Cross. Okay. But he's gonna hop on with me. We're gonna talk about the state of hip hop as a total, because 2024 was wild.
But I have it. My new favorite rapper of all time is Kendrick Lamar. And on his song Euphoria, he made a statement where he said, send them send them to America to imitate heritage. They can't imitate this violence. And I'm like, yeah, that that pretty much describes this movie. The action scenes in this movie is just like like it's sort of like watching did you ever watch WWF, Dallas?
A little bit. Yeah. Do you remember back in the did you watch it back in the classic WWF with the roided out giants of, like, Hulk Hogan and This is back when Hogan was wearing, like, yellow tights. Yeah. And Macho Man Mhmm. Shortsmith shower curtain. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So classic era. It's like if you were to go back to that era of WWF now and actually watch it. Mhmm. Oh, it's so bad. Yeah. But it but you're
everything's there as you remember it. But now that you watch it, and you're an adult now, and you have a certain, you have a certain grasp on what reality is. Right. It's just like, you're like, no, that's not how that works. No, if you did that, that's not how you would react. Right. And then you you see how the punches are missing or you're seeing how that slam wouldn't even hurt or do any damage, and your brain starts may you start seeing the cracks. And I think that's what happened to me
in this movie. It's like I started seeing all the cracks in it because I had a firmer grasp on reality. Right. Which which but this movie did bomb at the box office. You know, like, everybody was into it. So it makes me wonder exactly how much cocaine were they doing in the eighties? I think it was a matter of that it was such a new and novel thing. We the the martial arts boom was was taking place back in the eighties nineties, And,
everyone was excited about it. We're on the back end of of Bruce Lee. We're on the back end of all like, Jackie Chan was starting to come into into play a little bit. Mhmm. Rumble in the Bronx had dropped just yet, but, I mean, he's starting to come up with a couple of them. Rumble in the Bronx came out either 91 or 93. I forget which. Yeah. And which was his which was his American smash hit, but, you know, it was starting to take place, and we were so hungry for it because
it was a new type of genre. It was a new type of thing we wanted to watch and see. And so I think that's what it was is it was just it was fun. Well, let's go ahead and get into the spoil section of this, and, and let's let's talk specifics about what we liked and didn't like about, about John's, smoldering childhood. Ladies and gentlemen, the spoiler section. I'd like to welcome everybody to the, smoldering remains of my innocence.
And, we're gonna go ahead and dig through it and try to figure out why child John's childhood is a complete farce. I wanna start off by Joining me right now, I have my panda spirit guide. Hey, Vi. Why don't you go ahead and help me, sort through the wreckage of why my entire life is a lie? Well, I don't know if we can go that deep into things, so let's call them
era. But I wanna point this out. I'm gonna shout out to Dale for his comment because, literally, the first thing in my notes about this movie is this is a great intro to street fighter. Like, it's panning through, and you see all these martial artists in their, like, in their their native country fighting, preparing, and then they're preparing for the tournament. Like, this is Streetfighter. The only way it would have been Mortal Kombat is if it was in another world.
Right. Well and I think that's I think that's the thing. Like, despite the fact that this movie was not good, I think it it was very unique for its time just because it was an all like, you you gotta understand at the time, MMA wasn't a thing. You know, like, if you wanted if you wanted to see people doing having some kind of combat sports, you're gonna watch boxing, you're gonna watch wrestling, or go to a karate tournament that is heavily legislated. Right.
And usually and it's not mixed martial arts. It's one specific martial art only. And so Right. It's you're not really comparing the martial arts. So in the eighties when this movie came
out, you didn't have any of that. And and I think and I've watched enough documentaries about the beginning of the UFC and the beginnings of MMA through the nineties to know that Bloodsport the movie Bloodsport was kind of what inspired the Gracies and the original owners of the UFC to have to have the original ultimate fighting championship. And and really, it was kind of a mixture of, hey, wouldn't it be cool if that was an actual thing on top of the Gracies who invented Brazilian jujitsu?
Right. They were kind of, they were kind of trying to show the world that, hey, you know what? We're superior. You know? So it was kind of like their dojo showing off on top of the investors be kind of nerding out on cons, the concepts that are being presented in these movies with a kumite or something to that effect. So there was a lot of unique ideas in there that I think sparked the imagination.
Mhmm. And I think it was that it was the it and that was the kind of the cool thing about the cinema in the eighties is there was a lot that people had to read into the stories and bring their imagination to the table a bit to make the movies work. Whereas we're used to more modern cinematic sensibilities in that you don't have to bring a whole lot of imagination. A lot of what you need to see or think is being spoon fed to you by what's being presented on the screen. You
know what I mean? Yeah. So I did a quick little Google search. And interesting fact, talk about just how big it was in the '80s. This came out in 1988. And we know the martial arts boom ending probably about 91, 92, maybe? Maybe in 93. It it it started to fizzle out in the yeah. Around around that time period. I mean, really how these fads happen is they start with the adults and they they kinda start to push down towards the kids. And as the kid as the kids grab
onto it, the adults let go. So during that during the early nineties, it was more being pushed down to, like, surf ninjas and Hey. That's a fantastic movie. It is a fantastic yo. Yo. Ernie Ernie Ernie Reyes. I know I know that you're aware of us now because you got the link you got linked on the article, bro. Get us up, my dude. Like, for real. I I will hawk any movie that you're doing. 100. I don't I don't I am for sale. My my my I am for sale. What?
I I will be your shill. I I will I will be your DJ ac I will be the DJ academics to your Drake. So anyways Anyways, sorry. I'd I'd I'd what happened? I lost consciousness. We were just talking about Akumatay and Right. Well, we're talking about how, like, this whole thing like, it was just a portion of our our psyche and everything like that. The what I from my quick research, it looks like the first, really American martial arts film.
And I I'm gonna separate that from traditional martial arts films from the greats of, like, Bruce Lee and all that Okay. Was a movie called, Enter the Ninja, which came out in 1981. And, it appears to be, like, the first American Ninja movie. And then on the back end of it also not back end of it. There was a movie there's a video game called Karate Champ, which we see featured in this game. Yes. And so, all these elements again, we we're going, man,
this is a great Streetfighter game. But, like, these are all elements that were just kind of leading into the era of Streetfighter, which Street Fighter itself, I I I think that it did influence us to a degree Mhmm. Because Street Fighter came out August 12, 1987. Nice. Very well could be. Now, as I say influences, it influenced Frank Duke's storytelling. Yes. That we made a movie based off of. Yes. Fair enough. So I don't know.
I think I mean, really, I think in it with this movie, we're in the same situation that we were in for Best of the Best where there really wasn't much of a story to it. It was a confusing story. Like, I was, like, I was I was so confused to why they didn't want him to go. Like, why is a young force Whitaker after him? First off, the force Whitaker is after you. You've done something wrong, but I don't know what he did wrong.
Was he was he with AWOL? And then why was it just 2 cops who were all of a sudden very chill? Like, oh, okay. Cool. Well, let's have a little roundabout here. Mhmm. I don't know. And, bro, like, Forest Whitaker is such a chill, bro, to begin with. Like, if you've done something to get Forest Whitaker to go agro on you, man, you you deserve to lose. I like I know. Right? Like, it like, there's people, like, I look at. I'm like, I bet they're really
super cool to hang out with. Not not like just spaz out and go fanboy on, but just, like, hang out in their house and watch MTV and crack jokes. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I'd watch Yo! MTV Raps with Forest Whitaker. Is is Yo! MTV rap still is still a thing? Like I don't know. Isn't TV still a thing? Well, I think they changed it from music television to mediocre. That was back in the 2000. Oh my gosh. But anyways, but yeah. Like I said, like, the the storytelling,
it was confusing. It's like, why were we chasing him? Why was he and, like, the whole thing about the Kumite itself was so far fetched. And just and it was like it was all like nobody knows about it, but we all know about it. Like, it's a top secret. It's a top secret illegal kung fu fight that everybody knows about, and there's a news article. And the police only stop Frank Dukes about it because he's a he's an American. So it just and and we're we're using
American with quotation marks. Let's just be real about that. Facts. And I think I believe it was in this movie where we heard the classic 1980 phrase. You can't do this to me. I'm an American. Yeah. Oh my gosh. And I got a question. Everyone had their own martial arts style for the movie. What was Jackson's martial arts? Was it was it was it you? Was it wrestling? Was it supposed to be WWE? It's it's the American version of, of drunken master. It's it's called I was so confused by this
character. It's called Ultimate Trailer Park. Oh, like, how did he get there? Like, they made a big deal about Jean Claude's because you had to be invited to be present there. Right? That was a whole thing. Maybe maybe the fighters are invited by, the predators. Like, they know who are the dangerous people. You know what I mean? Like, they just kinda like weed them out so we know who the target. I mean, honestly, like, they they knew something about Homeboy in that third Predator movie.
Right. The guy from That 70 Show. I can't remember his name all of a sudden, but you know what I'm talking about. I gotcha. Like, the whole entire time, he's, like, the gentle guy, and then all of a sudden, he pulls out the scalpel. He's like, oh, Homeboy's a serial killer. I just spoiled that movie for you. I'm sorry. But, you know, it's been out for over a decade, sucking the buttercup. But, like, the invitation process, legitimately, it was so weird. It's like like, where did the
invitation come from? It's not like the brother, the the kid had them to They don't explain it. They don't explain it, like, at all. Like Right. And and they're like and, of course, for those of you out there who are into, like, again, reading about this, fake martial arts stuff, The the fact that they they had to just talk about the dimmock once just to throw it out there, like, hey. Hey. Be sure to talk about the dimmock so people know what the dimmock is.
I mean, it was it was totally the anti, what's it, shotgun. I can't remember the dude's name. The but it's the writing theory that if a shotgun's introduced in the first act of a play, it needs to be fired before the 3rd act. Yeah. Is over. It's I thought this was the same sort of thing. Like, if you mentioned the dim mock at the beginning, it needs to be used somewhere else. And then when you use it, it does nothing in a fight.
Like Did you did you see that? He used it in a fight, and it did nothing. Thing. Right? Not, you know, and his face is all, like, consorted and everything like that. And then the guy's just like, my belly rippled. You know what? The you know you know what the best part Oh, normally. You know what the best part about that is? Is that it completely mocks Frank Dukes.
And the reason the reason is is because the dim mock that is advertised, that count Dante originally first made up and Frank Dukes ran with, was was supposed to be a death touch that was just a series of pressure points that you hit that it was like the 5 finger palm of death from Killamore, basically. The death touch scene in Batman the animated series was more intense than this. But the point the point I'm making though is the fact that the guy was just like, ow, instead of, like, I'm
dead. Just Right. Bro, it was was just kinda like a subtle, hey, Frank Dukes is full of crap. Like, I was sitting there waiting. I was like, okay. Is his, like, is his bladder gonna explode all of a sudden like that? Like, I was waiting for it to happen, and I was like, okay. We're doing nothing. Okay. Cool. Oh my gosh. Why did we need a Kumite song? You know, I think musician. Why do we need that?
You know? Okay. So these types of movies, these these martial arts or combat sports tournament style movies, they all need to for some reason in the eighties, these types of movies needed to have a soundtrack that was full of power ballads and full of training montage music. And if they were in most cases, it was all just studio musicians that were writing music that was tailored specifically for this movie. And you're gonna see it happen again in
Kickboxer. Or you're gonna notice that the music is very similar across both movies. It it literally sounds like Peter Cetera, from from Chicago is singing over a hair metal band about, you were born a fighter. You were born to rise to the top. Nobody else can stop you. You've gotta show them you can't be stopped. So is this, like, a thing for you? Like, this genre? No. It's just I have clear memories. I'm just curious if this is something that, like, just inspires you.
You know, this is what fueled me back in the day because, like, eighties cinema was 100% a matter of style over substance. Yeah. And I think I think that's what I'm I'm missing that mindset from this movie. And that's the reason why it feels like my childhood is a lie is because I was in that style over substance mindset in the eighties because it was the eighties. Right. And now that we've grown past that as a society, it feels so outdated to go try to get back into that mindset.
If you if you if you look at any kind of documentary about the eighties, it's often referred to as the me decade because it was a very self centered decade. It was all about style and panache and how can I be flashy and be cool? Right. And so that's what a lot of media centered around. So It's fair. So and I I think that's where the disconnect is in this because we've already talked about the entire movie. Yeah. There's there's a tournament. There's a tournament.
Jean Claude Van Damme goes into it. There's a bad guy or a big boss man at the end of the tournament that he needs to beat. He does. He wins. America's great. It's the eighties. Yea Reagan. Yep. Am I right? Yep. That's it. And everything I don't know. Again, the storyteller's weird. It's not weird. It's just there isn't a story. I like, just everything of it. Like, the and, like, there are so many ridiculous parts.
Like, when he's in the court like, he's in the alleyway, and they pull up the tasers. And he's like, let me materialize a trash can lid and ricochet it and and tase out these foreign police officers, which should, by the way, in in his butt up in a in a jail somewhere. Oh, 100%. 100%. Which would have been a better movie. And then like, she's like, no, don't fight. And then she's like, go fight. You got this. Like, she was, like, complete, like, reversal everything.
Like, my childhood is a lie, Dallas. It happens. Alright. So, I mean Should we rate it? Yeah, dude. I like this. I think we ran into the same problem with Best of the Best where we just start we started talking about concepts that we thought about during the movie because there wasn't a story to keep us occupied. I'm gonna point this out here. I was reading the back of the box, and you and I went on a tangent in the middle of me reading the back of the
box about other things. And that's basically we've done this entire podcast is we're talking about this movie, but we're not. Right. We're talking when we say we're talking about this movie, we're talking about it like you walk about a forest. We're talking around it. It's like nobody wants to touch it. It's like, oh, there's a thing right there. Oh, don't pick it up. What kind of poop is this? Alien poop. What? No. Don't touch it. You don't know where it's been.
Alright. Well, let's get into our rating system. If you're new to our show, sorry. Because some of you genuinely clicked on it going, oh, I love this movie. And, Yeah. So here's our ratings. We have a 4 system to a rating system here, top shelf. I need to own this middle shelf. Maybe if it's streaming, I'll watch it bottom shelf. I probably will never watch this again. And then dumpster fire. I will actively try to keep people from watching this movie. We
are erasing it from history. And to our knowledge, no movie has ever made it into the dumpster. So, John, since your childhood is smoldering right now, where are you gonna put this? So, yeah, this movie isn't a good movie. And it's it's it's not even as good of a movie as I remember it being. And for and for people out there who were, like, saying it's the best action movie ever, I'm willing to bet that they're probably say making that statement based off of memory instead
of recent exposure. I would say before you judge how Dallas and I are about to rate this movie, because I have a feeling he and I are gonna be on the same level with this. So before you get upset about it, do me a favor. Before you start sending any angry tweets and angry messages or whatnot, go watch the movie again. It's for free
on it's for free on Tubi. Go watch that movie again, and then come back and then tell me if tell me tell us if our ratings are correct after you've watched this movie recently. Right. And if you disagree with us, by all mean after you do that, by all means, send us that message. I would be more than happy to talk to talk about your message on the air, and we would discuss that happily. I'll create a new bumper for a mailbag section for that for those comments.
Like, I I I welcome that smoke as long as you're willing to sit down and watch this travesty again. So That's fair. With with that being said, this movie is a bad movie, but I don't hate this movie. This is an entertaining bad movie because it is bad in a way that entertains me because does that make sense? Yeah. It's sort of it's sort of that crawl. Yeah. Sort of bad where, yeah, it's not good. But it's not I wanna turn it off either. So with with that being said, it didn't live up to my
my nostalgic memories. However, this movie was important. It inspired a lot of things that I enjoy today. I don't think Jean Claude Van Damme can act his way out of a paper bag. And I think he would. And I think, like, if given the command to play dead, he would still have issues with it and making it believable, and all you have to do is lay on the ground with your eyes closed. So that being said, I'm gonna give it a super low middle shelf.
Like, if it's if it's on streaming, I've got nothing to do, and my wife isn't home, and I've I don't really feel like playing video games, and I'm caught up on Ultimate Fighter.
And I'm caught up on my backlog, and I'm caught up on my Audible, and I'm caught up on my books, and I don't have any podcasts that I have to edit, and I don't have any prep I have to do for, playing games with strangers, and I don't have to do any of my Japanese, or I don't have to do any any continuing education for my certification for work 1 hour later. Then I might consider, watching it again. And you I've lost track. Did you say middle shelf or not? I
I said middle. I said a very low middle shelf. Alright. Good, too. Alright. So alright. So middle shelf for you. So for me, ladies and gentlemen, Ralph's Johnson, it's not a good movie at all. It is it is terrible. But I had fun watching it. You guys, I'm hoping that this energy that Dallas and I have right now is Trent is transmitting through the recording because, like, this is this this stupid energy should be telling you what this movie is.
This movie is a junk food and fart jokes style movie, like 100%. Yeah. So for me here at the bottom shelf, it's a middle shelf film, ladies and gentlemen. This movie, across the board, just mid. Like, this is this this movie is like, when it comes to action movies, this movie is like a mayonnaise on white bread sandwich. Like, I don't I don't hate it. I'm not gonna be like, god, just kill it
all. If it's on TV, like and that's the thing is, like, Celeste, we're we're watching it, and we're going, like, we're we're both having vague memories of watch, and it helped to watch it on Tubi, actually. Because there are commercials on Tubi. It felt like watching it on Sunday afternoon on TBS. Didn't mom's cooking a roast in the background. We're just chilling. You know, we may go up and get eat dinner or miss like 30 minutes of it. Not know we didn't miss anything. It's a story
doesn't matter. It just move on with our lives. So I wanna say this. If you're going to watch it, you have to watch it on TBS or something with commercials to order, to get the true experience of this film. If you can get one of those novelty candles that has like that make it smell like Sunday dinners cooking in the background, it will enhance the experience to a level you won't even understand. I promise you Wear a pair of corduroys while you're at it.
Oh, yeah. The texture of the good ladies with you. Oh, Jesus. Alright. Ladies and gentlemen, we wanna hear from you. Here here here's the thing here's the thing. This movie, you won't have a good time watching this movie, but you'll have a good time talking about it afterwards. That's fair. That's definitely fair. As so many movies we watch are. Oh my gosh. Oh, jeez. Alright. Well, let's go ahead and get on over to the weak connection area before we die. This is a We Connection.
Welcome to the We Connection portion of our podcast where we talk about these movies and try to find something redeemable about them. And good luck, Dallas, because I've got nothing. I got something for you, buddy. So at one point, there's a portion where Jean Claude Van Damme is talking to the girlfriend of the week, and he is, working through it's right after, the, the wrestler is in the hospital room, injured. And there she's arguing with him about why he needs to go back into this. And he's
he's talking to her. He's like, look. We I have to do it because I I need to show that I'm the best at what I am. Because, like, you wanna be a good reporter. You got this your your effort into it because there's something to prove. There's something to show I I am doing my very best to be the very best. And that's kind of a I underline of most martial art movies. Right? Where the I gotta be the best I can be.
Even Pokemon did it. So but my the whole aspect of just doing your best in whatever situation you're in, that's something we need to do, for multiple reasons. 1, it's a sign of integrity. 2, it's it's something for yourself. But also, for for John and I as Christians, there's a there's a scripture out there, Colossians chapter 3 verse 23. And whatever you do, do it heartily as, as to the Lord and not to men. Our motivation as as Christ followers to do what we do is
to glorify Christ. And it's in every situation of our lives. I do the best that I can in in the mundane things because it gives glory to God. It points back to him. It's a reflection of who of who he is. In the movie, Jean Claude, he is pushing this because it's a reflection of Tanaka. He needs to show if he doesn't do well, it's a reflection on on Tanaka's hard work and what Tanaka
poured into him. For us, with everything we do as Christians, if we're not giving our best, then it's reflecting back to the Lord in a poor way, and that's a poor testament of who God is and his grace for the world. So that is my weak connection. Sweet. Alright. Well, with all that being said, how about you, everybody out there? Do you agree with our assessment of this movie? Do you think it was better? Do you think it's worse?
Tell us why. Hit us up on the socials in the, I think we're on x. We're on, the face. We're on we're on Instagram, and we're on, Facebook. Alright. We're on all the meta platforms then. And just what's that? Discord and YouTube. Oh, yeah. And hit us up on the Discord. That's where we're that's where I'm mostly active. Sometimes I'll pop in over on the Facebase group, but really, Discord owns me at this juncture. So, go ahead and hit up the hit up our Discord and give us a chat.
And Dallas can verify. I like to play I like to pull people out of our Discords to do stuff on podcasts with me. So, if you hang out and get to know us, I might tap you to do stuff. So if that's any incentive, I will buy your affection. So so that being said, you got anything you wanna plug, Dallas, before we switch off?
Just make sure you guys check out the rest of the podcast network we have We Read Allegedly, where John and, Squid and Celeste are doing a great job talking about different books that they bring to the table. They're not requesting books. This is books they are reading, they're bringing to the table. Just wanna put, put that out there for you. Check out, the Gundam watch. Brents and I, we're going through, the 8th MS team, right now. Check out, the Spyro fan podcast, which Brent is gonna
have some view. New episodes come out with his father, actually, pretty soon, so that's gonna be pretty exciting. And just check out the rest of Geek Devotions, geekdevotions.com. Alright. Well, with that being said, thanks so much for hanging out, Dallas and I sincerely appreciate your continued listening. And until next time, stay fresh, devoted cheese bags. Peace and love, y'all. Yeah.