Good.
All right, break it down.
If you ever have feelings that you just wont Amy and Cat gotcha, Cob and Locking No, brother, ladies and folks, do you just follow Ann the spirit where it's all the real stuff to the chill stuff and the m but Swayne, sometimes the best thing you can do it just stop you feel things. This is feeling things with Amy and Cat.
Happy Tuesday. Welcome to feeling things. I'm Amy and I'm Cat, and we both have feelings of the day, and I can see in our doc they're very different. I have no idea why you're feeling disgusted, but I'm feeling eager. You go first.
I want your feeling today, you.
Know I want to feel eager.
Actually, here you go. I'm gonna twist this frown upside down. I'm feeling disgusted because a couple of days ago I awoke with what looks to be and you can give your feedback on this, but it looks like I have a rash on my face. I'm diagnosing myself with dermatitis, which from my friend who's an esthetician, is what I've gathered is just kind of like an infection of the skin. But it can't be that.
Actually, because isn't it hormononal? Yeah? Yeah, I've had dermatitis on my back before. I don't know if that's exactly what it was called, but I had little teeny tiny bombs like that are on your face and I had on my back and I use that. Golly, what was I got it at? You know, CBS or Walgreens, crapefruit scrub? No, no, no packs. So I got a Google pack. I know what you're saying, Packsaw, it's the X with X right.
Maybe it cleared my back. I mean I was living with the bumps for a while and then I got a bar of soap of the This what I'm going to google so I'll be able to tell you what it's called. And it cleared right up.
Wait, I wonder if I could use it on my face.
I mean maybe you could. My dermatologist told me that you can use Dan Driff shampoo on your face, but I don't know if that applies for hormonal bumps.
So I'm taking a new medication that I know. That's why I don't know, but that's why I'm assuming it's the only thing that has changed. And I'm just disgusted because I'm frustrated.
Oh.
I think I'm more frustrated than disgusted, because I'm not like ooh, I mean I am kind of I don't like it.
Oh, okay, pan ox, panox soal.
What is paxl. That's a drug, paxels so much pharmaceutical drug.
There's the There's lots of different panox sole products. I used the bar of soap, probably because that's familiar to me, because I love a bar of soap. I love a white bar of soap, unscented. This one maybe has a scynth though, because it has a job to do. They also have a acne banishing body spray. Just get some of that sprayed on your face.
I don't know anything is gonna fix it unless I just like, stop taking the medication. But I can't stop taking this medication.
And so well, what we do know is this is temporary. Yeah, and while you are feeling disgusted, you don't look just in them lighting. Yeah, we do have dim lighting. Cat used my guest bath and she came out and she was like, whatever kind of lighting you have in the bathroom, that's what I need in my office because I don't think I'm going to be able to sit across from from clients because they're gonna think I have some disease.
It's pretty bad.
But how close are you sitting to your client?
Not that close? And I think that's also I think it's pretty bad because it's giving me like flashbacks of when I had like acne in high school and I had to take acutane, you know, and you like think you've recovered from this. And I really like just wearing tinted sunscreen. I don't like wearing foundation and stuff like that.
I feel like, if honestly, can I be really honest here, yes, if you were to put foundation through the bad it would look so bad. It looks like it's bumpy, like it would look like what are you trying to cover it? Just doesn't like, just let it breathe. And also, since we're being honest, it's not as bad as you think it is. But don't try to over make up it, because I think that's that's never doing fairs.
So Patrick, you saying that, thank you? Pause, pause, pause, because Patrick keeps being like, it's really not that bad or like to the point where I'm like, Patrick, I know you're lying to me. You're just He's like I don't even see it like that far where.
I'm like, he might be telling truth because he's got ma goggles. He doesn't see what we see.
Well, that's true, but I said, you can't just lie to me anymore. You have to think of something else to say when I'm like frustrated and like complaining about it, because sometimes I just look the vent. So now he says, when I'm like, oh, my face is so bad, he just goes, I love you. It's nothing else to say.
I am acknowledging that your face feels and looks bad to you, which I think I get where guys are coming from. Like there's times where I have stuff going on with my face and my boyfriend doesn't notice it. I think he's tell the truth. And I'm telling you as your friend because I also know that I would notice what's going on your face, Like I don't want to discount I get it you have bumps on your face. I am also telling you they don't look as bad as you think.
Well, thank you, But I'm if I walked in and didn't say anything, you would notice it.
It just yeah, but it's not that bad. I wouldn't notice it and think like Kat do you have a disease or or you know, like what happened?
Yeah, like I wouldn't. I texted you and I was like, don't be alarmed, I'm coming over and I don't have makeup lin I know.
But the thing is, I didn't even see that text before you walked in.
So what I'm doing is image management. I'm like calling it out before.
Just sent a text.
You walk in said it. Yes, So I do realize I think I've.
Just called image image management. Yeah, well is that a tool.
It's something that we do when we are trying to like get ahead of somebody else thinking something about us. So if I'm feeling like really uncomfortable in my clothes or something, I can walk in and be like, oh my jeans are so tight today. So if I'm thinking they look bad on me, then you won't think it first, I've already said it. I've got ahead of it, and so you can't hurt me.
So it's more of a tactic than a tool.
Yeah.
Yeah, sorry, I was thinking like you were like, it's what you should be doing, and.
It's like negative coping skull. It's the whole idea of when you you I mean, this is literally what I've been doing when you you're going to hang out with friends and you're like, oh, I have this big ZiT on my face and then they're like, well, I wasn't even going to notice that, but now I see it, you know what I mean? We do it because we want to feel better, because we don't want that uncomfortable, unknown feeling of people looking at us and thinking it.
So it's like me saying, I know what you're thinking.
So you know it's an unhealthy coping tool and you didn't anyway, what should you do? I know, let's do this exercise. I'm like, you are gat you're human because I thought you were perfect? No, no, no, no, because I know I'm guilty of that tactic. Others listening probably are too. So what should we do instead? If we had that urge to go in and announce our vulnerability out the gates so that nobody else can.
Yeah, what should we do opposite action, which is the opposite of what I'm just say nothing, Yeah, so walk in and just be like hey, because what happens is usually when we do that, we're calling all this negative attention to ourselves, where like I could have walked in and you could have. I don't know what you would have complimented of me today because I kind of just like rolled out of bed. But the color of.
Your sweatshirt looks really pretty on you.
You could have I could have walked in and you could have been like, oh my gosh, I love that sweatshirt. But I didn't give you the chance to do that, so I didn't get to give myself a chance to receive a compliment. Instead, we've just been talking about my skin for thirty five minutes.
Well, you did dish out compliments. You were like, your skin looks so good, and I'm like, you're just saying that right now. We can feel your skin looks so beautiful.
Like I told you, it looks like what I say, baby skin.
Oh well, it feels a little rough to me because I started my what's it called again, retinal my retinal again, so then I kind of had to exfoliate, So I think that's what's happening. Retnel doesn't burn. No, I use a very mild one from BIOPELP, but it's I'm now putting it back into my routine, but I do it every other night. Even though it's mild. My skin is so sensitive that I'm slowly building every other night, but it's already flaking off. Thank you, pospospous for that compliment.
But then you were also like, and your hair looks really good. And then I was like, oh, it's so dirty, I need to wash it, and you go, don't wash it. It looks good.
So you did a little bit of like, uh, you couldn't take the compliment because my hair I don't field I was gonna wash it today, but now will you gave me a little booze? Do not wash it? You're having a really good hair day, which makes me think of like, are you robbing yourself of good hair days by washing your hair when it looks like this.
Well, it's not so much what it's looking like, it's what I smell.
Why smell?
Sure?
Wash it?
The ends of it smell okay, But I feel like my roots get a little stinky, like something. I don't know.
I just feel like maybe making time get you some like root freshening spray.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. So you're feeling disgusted, well, and I.
Vow to Okay, this is gonna be so hard to me because for me, because the people that I'm gonna see today are all people I'm really close with. But I want to challenge myself to do opposite action today, Like I'm gonna see my mom later. She already knows about this on my face, so I'm gonna try not to say anything. No need If she brings it up, though, then I give myself full permission to be like, oh, I'm so frustrated.
That's okay to want to vent, but you there's no need for you to upon arrival.
To be like, look and now I've told you your face and then at work, clearly that's gonna be easy for me. I'm not gonna open the door to my clients and be like, Okay, don't be alarmed. I know I have breakouts. I would never do that, so that's not as much of a challenge. So today I'm gonna challenge myself to not do any image manage.
Just like open the door and run back to your chair and then tell them you're playing a fun game where they're going to face the wall today. It's called face the wall work.
It's also so traumatizing.
You've to sit in the corner and face the wall.
Yes, speaking of I know I talked about this last week. I finished the Jody Hildebrandt documentary. Yeah, oh my gosh. You know what, I do want to recommend it to people because I think it's a good warning of just the like I said last time, the power of manipulation and all that, but evil, evil, evil, And I believe in the power of forgiveness and change and transformation and all that. But I don't think there's their sentence scene
was as bad as it should have been. Do you know, are you familiar with the story.
I am familiar with the story, but I've not watched the documentary. It's like, honest, I remember watching something on Ruby Frankie Okay, I cried Franky or frank Frankie Franky Okay.
They'll serve four to thirty years in prison, so.
People are interested in watching it. The Jody Hildebrandt's story is on Netflix, and yeah, it says that it highlights her role as a mastermind behind the abuse, tracing her rise to power in her community and her twisted teachings.
Golly, yeah, it's sick the things that they're doing to but.
It's like how people like that even rise in a community.
Yeah, it shows the progression, which I think that is I think the helpful part of like, you don't just jump into it, because when people would be like that lady's crazy, it was a slow progression where she controlled people and like ruin people's lives and those kids are going to have that trauma for the rest of their lives, like it's changed their life in a bad way. Yeah, anyway, tell me about the eagerness you're feeling.
Bring us up a little bit, right, This is definitely gonna bring you up totally different. Okay, we're doing.
A one eighty.
I ordered a new bird feeder and it arrived today. You're back into the birds. Well, they never left me, but I realized I put some bird feeders up around my house. But I moved into my new house a year and a half ago. I used to have a bird feeder at my last house that was right by
my kitchen table window. And here the way my home is set up, where my porches and my bird feeders are out in the yard, I have to be sitting on the screened porch to see the birds, and the screen porch is still cold, so I can't be like at my kitchen window and looking out and seeing the birds. They're in my yard, so I see them, but they're far. So I found a solution. I was sitting at my kitchen table and I looked over this window that's kind of tucked. It's window right by my kitchen table, right
where my laundry room door is. The window there, though, is behind bushes and trees like in my front landscaping. Well, that's the perfect place. But a suction cup birdhouse onto the window because you won't I wouldn't want I don't know why, but I wouldn't want that on my front window. When you're pulling up to my house. But because this is disguised by bushes, you don't really see it.
Oh you can't see that window, not really, it's sort of hidden. I don't think it's weird that you don't want a bird feeder section cup to the front window of your house. Okay, that's normal.
Well, thank you, well, but just in case anybody has that, Oh okay, you do you like? That's okay, But for me that would be off because I would be like, well, I need well on every window because I wanted to look well. So I had this revelation and I go on Amazon and I find the suction cup bird feeder
and it has arrived. So I'm so eager to get done with my work and a few other things that I need to do today and I get to open up that package because I also ordered new bird seed, so I got a fresh bag of bird seed and a new feeder. I'm in a suction to the outside of that window, and the birds they're gonna come, and they're gonna come right to my window.
Yeah.
So like I don't have to be on on the screen porch and I can be sitting at my kitchen table and the birds can come visit.
Yeah. And do you have your little I feel like you used to have this laminated sheet with it was a book of like all these different birds.
My bird book is out on my screen.
Porch or is it bird bingo or something?
I would just play, Yeah, I would play bird Bingo. I don't have that anymore. I mean, I suppose it's somewhere, but maybe with my new feeder, I need to bust out a new round because I'm gonna have new visitors to that feeder and I'll be like, hey, cardinal check, chickad eat check.
What's the most day check? Rare bird that you had coming to your bird feeder before.
I mean they weren't rare. I mean I would get excited if I could like name them and you would see. I love seeing a tufted titmouse. I knew you were going to say that that's my favorite. You know, A blue jay never came to my feeter till my dad died. No way way I had cardinals had morning, lots of mourning doves. Does doves come in pairs?
It's cute? Oh that is cute. I was gonna say, does a a hummingbird? Does that have a different bird food? Yes, that's okay. You're looking at me like.
Well, it's not like I don't know what you call it, like a nectar, so I don't. I tried to be a hummingbird person, but I wasn't good at changing out the liquid stuff. And they'll come to that, but they don't come to my bird feeder. Do you know the only bird that can fly backwards is yeah? Did you know that?
I think maybe you've told me that fact before.
Fun fact. I'm very eager. I'm very, very very very eager to set this up, like I feel like it's just gonna change everything.
And should I get a bird feeder? Maybe would change how I feel about my faith?
Yes, because you get to see the the wonders of the world of clothes. Wait, you're at awe, you're not. I don't think you get to know them, especially if cards visit and they have certain features at times I can't remember the exact way, like is it called molting? It's the shedding of their feathers. But cardinals, to me, I started to be able to tell them apart in like their feather display and their shape.
So would the same cardinal come back to you?
Yes, yes, and I'd be like, oh, there he is, and I would like give them little nicknames. And then of course the male cardinals are red and the female cardinals are brown.
But that's crazy. I didn't know.
But my mom doesn't identify.
She's gender fluid.
Yeah, fluid.
Okay, So I don't think i'd be a very good bird birding birder, what do you call them? Bird burden. So in our neighborhood there's two little pond lake things like fishing lakes in the front when you come in this certain entry, and there's two swans in each lake. And it was getting to be cold, and and Patrick one day we're like, when do you think those swans are gonna like fly home or fly south or do whatever they do in the winter because cold, and they're
still in the water. And we had lived there for maybe four months. Those swans were fake? Which have you seen them? You might not have noticed them, because I would love to know if you thought that, if you thought they were real. And there's two in each one, and we always like, it's so cute. They're always together, and there wasn't that same text they must love it there.
That's funny.
You know.
At my last house I had a pool and the ducks would come.
I remember that that was crazy.
It was crazy and they were just swim in my pool.
But wouldn't it didn't bother you, right, I know it didn't bother me.
I thought it was fantastic.
But what if you wanted to enjoy the pool, but then the ducks were in the pond? The pool, it's theirs.
Their polls. Now they do they like poop in it though that would be the annoying part. They don't poop in it. They would poop around.
Yeah, I mean I.
Don't think they were pooping in it. If they did. I couldn't tell, but they would. You know, around my pool there would be more droppings than I care to deal with. But it's not like they were there all the times. When they would come, I'd be like, welcome.
That was crazy, it was.
I really enjoyed that. That was that was great. I had a birfect time Peter and a pond that they would come to. So I just loved my visitors. Now, wait, we'll see what happens.
What is the Disney character as it? That's like in the woods and all white, snow white? You are snow white. You literally are not anymore.
But I'm about to be maybe a little more. I feel like some of that is coming back. Well, and you're your animals follow you.
Around everywhere they do.
I know, whatever room I go to, my dog and my cats show up, it's pretty good.
Yeah snowy oh cute.
Well that brings me comfort. Yeah, I'm grateful for them, for sure. It brings me joy. Car used to annoy me so much, remember, yeah, and now we've gotten better. Sometimes she still annoys you, Yeah, but that's just because she's kind of an annoying dog. But I love her so much now, Like I love her like I don't want to live without her. When you say to be a really.
Dog, what do you mean?
Yeah, she was just she just wants to be just a little bit crazy now. But she used to be at my last house. And I think it was because of all the other toxic things going on. If you're a new listener, you may not know. I don't speak about the details. Those are private, but there was just a lot happening, and she carried that as the dog. So she had a lot of anxiety and she's a rescue and she has her own drama and it was too much.
Yeah. Well, speaking of toxic things, I found an article. When I say article, I mean instagram infographic about things that are not toxic, just uncomfortable.
Oh okay, I trust me.
You're talking what you were good going through is like my toxicity was toxic?
Well, I guess I don't even know what what you would call it.
It would have had an unh some unhealthy dynamics. I would say they're toxic.
Yeah, you go, unhealthy dynamics, that's it. And there was multiple players.
Yeah, so.
It was like a really fun video. I was like, please make this game stop, and it does. Yeah, it did.
But I do think toxic is one of those words now that it's thrown around way too much, and we kind of use it as an excuse to either not look at our own stuff or not sit with discomfort or not. And that could be just the discomfort of the fact that this is the way the world is, you know, right, So I just go through them and you can tell me if any feelings show up. And this comes from therapy for women. At therapy for women, someone.
Disagreeing with you, right, that's uncomfortable.
Not toxic, just uncomfortable, which I feel like that's a lot of times, and it's not so simple. It's not like, oh, she said that this hamburger wasn't good. It's if somebody disagrees with you about a behavior or decision you made or something like that, or you're disagreeing with them, they have a different idea of what they need to do. A lot of times we're like, oh, they're just being toxic or they're so toxic I need to cut them
out of my life. And it's like, well, I just think sometimes we need to leave space for some differences, and that's okay that they think that what you did was probably not the right decision, you can still think it's okay.
My boyfriend and I were having a conversation with another couple just a couple of days ago. Actually it's very recent, and I woke up kind of even thinking about it, like thinking if I was a toxic person, that I would have maybe in that conversation because we weren't agreeing. I could have like I stared at them like they're crazy, and then shut it down, like when we got in the car, I could be like, we're not hanging out
with them anymore. But I'm proud of myself. I didn't do it, But I don't know why I woke up with that thought. And maybe it was like a hint of like maybe we shouldn't hang out with them, But I was proud of us for being able to have a difficult conversation and everybody, you know, five minutes later laughing about something else. We definitely did not agree. What I did was I said I don't agree with that.
Good for you. That's not how I see it's healthy.
And then they're like, oh, well, this is one of my favorite things about this person. Da da da, And I'm like, that's not how I see that at all, and it was a yeah, it was a healthy, I guess disagreement. I didn't know you were going to talk about this, But when I'm thinking about it, it was
a little uncomfortable, but not terribly. But it is weird that I woke up this morning having that thought of, like, there were probably some people that would have been that situation and they would have just like cut it off. I cut the relationship off because of just how black and why so many things seem lately, especially in the like the political landscape and oh yeah, how people are just so my way or the highway. Like if you don't think like I do, well, you're you know.
You're toxic, yeah, or you're bad or And I think there are things that you can feel really strongly about
and you can have like deal breakers for yourself. Sure that's okay, but not everything has to be a deal breaker, And we need to learn how to sit in myself included, Like I think I'm part of this because it's easier to be like, oh, I don't want to deal with that anymore, so I'm just not going to have a relationship with them, versus like sit with the fact that like, yeah, these people might believe this, and that's hard for me
to comprehend. But I think that even goes into we talked about the drama triangle a couple weeks back, maybe a month, that was in December. I think if you haven't listened to that episode, I highly recommend it. Part of the drama triangle is to lower expectations and create boundaries.
And I can just create boundaries around those things, and so when I no longer have that conversation, like if it's about something political, for instance, I don't talk about politics with that person, and then I can start to see the other things that I still might find redeeming about them. And again, this is all nuanced, So I'm sure there are plenty of reasons why you would want to cut a relationship, relationship up, a relationship off with someone.
But if it's we're just saying, like, not every time somebody disagrees with you, are they toxic people? It just sometimes is difficult to sit with right proud of you.
Well, thanks, I mean, I wasn't sharing it free to be proud of me at all, but I will take it, yeah, because I guess when I think about it, I'm like, we did handle that well yeah, huh, okay, yeah, now it happened. If it happens again, they're done.
Two strikes, they're out. Second one is being asked to compromise. Not toxic, just uncomfortable.
I feel like, if someone's asking you to compromise, how would that ever be perceived as toxic?
If they're asking you to give something up unclearly yeah, and they're like, I can't believe they would ask me of that. I mean, this is spectrum of ways that this would show up. It's not just like hey, like, can we meet at five thirty in set of five? Like I don't think anybody is sorry.
I'm thinking like the compromises, like okay, if you don't want salmon for dinner, and maybe you don't want beef, can we meet in the middle on chicken?
I think that could be like a exam. I don't know an exact example of this, but more grand scheme that would be more like straight with somebody, like you're doing some business decision and like I don't see it the way you see it, so I'm asking you to meet me in the middle.
Or it's like you're having a compromise your integrity though.
Yeah, well that would be toxic. I don't know that that might not even well if they're I think that this is where it gets nuanced, because you might have different ideas of integrity. And if it's somebody's like, hey, we should steal from this person, that's the one thing. But if they just like are great the line of something that isn't that big of a deal, they might not be toxic. You might just have like way stronger morals. That doesn't mean that they're toxic. And that sounds bad.
I feel like when I even say, but there's levels of it.
Yeah, I get what you're saying.
Okay, feeling guilty when you hurt somebody isn't toxic. It's just uncomfortable. And the alem me explain this one, because I see you're a little confused. I think sometimes when people hurt somebody's feelings, they are like, I don't need to feel guilt because I did what is right. Like I had to stick up for myself. It's that whole like if it's not a hell, yes, it's a no, or that like very strong black and white of I have to start self caring for myself and then I
leave people out. So we talk ourselves out of feeling guilty. So this one is saying like, it's okay for you to feel guilty if you hurt somebody's feelings, that's not toxic. It's okay to feel that. Because I think lady, we've been studying, we the world has been setting the message of like you don't have to feel bad for that, and like it's actually okay to have some guilt.
Oh good, okay, yeah.
Because if we hurt somebody these feelings, it's okay to be like, yeah, I didn't like that. I do feel a little bit guilty of that.
Yeah, let's feel stuff around that. Yeah it should feel uncomfortable.
Yeah, it should feel uncomfortable. Because then what happens is like there is again it's a nuance. It's a fine line. There are things that like I'll sit with a client and they'll be like they'll say, like, I feel so guilty, and I'll ask them, well, tell me what you did wrong. Guilt is helping you, like stay in your moral compass, Like it's helping you do the right thing, So tell me what you did wrong. And sometimes they can identify
something like okay, well that makes sense. It sounds like in that scenario, there wasn't a way for you to get what you needed and also not hurt anybody in the process. So like, maybe there is a repair you might want to make, who knows, And also you might want to give yourself grace because you were putting a
hard position. But then there's also people who are like, I did this thing, and I'm not going to feel bad about it because xyz, even if they stepped on people's what is it step on their toes or they yeah, hurt people in the process. And I think that is our way of trying to reconcile, getting your needs met and also not having to have feelings. Does that make sense?
Yeah? Back to the if it's not a hell yes, it's a no. How do you feel about that?
Hate it?
You hate it?
When at first first people will started saying that, I was like, heck, yeah, that was in like peak hustle culture. Speaking of the twenty sixteen you know, it's been a thing lately of reminiscing on twenty sixteen. I feel like that's when that got really big around that time.
If it's not a hell yes, it's a no.
It was a girl boss all of that, And I think that is black and white.
Yeah, and there's so much great. I feel like sometimes I would try to apply that and I'd be like, but, like I've probably said, like but I don't really know for sure, like is.
It a but I kind of want to do it?
Yeah, And then I'm like, but I guess if it's not a definite clear yes. Now I understand some things like if you need to make a quick decision, that could be a quick method you use of like if you're making me make up my mind right now and I'm only like a little bit in then okay, I'm out.
Yeah. I think it was that was intended. See, we just take everything too far. That was intended to help people say no, because it was really targeted towards women, I think a lot.
Okay, what about this one? No is a complete sentence?
Okay, another one that I used to love and now I feel torn on because sometimes explanations are needed, sometimes they're not. The intention I think behind that was so people didn't feel like they had to over explain themselves. But if you asked me a question, name something that you would ask me for, Like, I don't know what do you need from me?
While I'm trying to think of how serious do we want to make it?
Okay, if you ask, if you text me and you're like, oh my gosh, my car it broke down on the side of the road. I'm gonna be late for work. Can you come pick me up? And I just said no, I just n period sent it to you.
Yeah, that would be that was aggressive. That would just be weird, Like we don't talk like that, Okay, But I don't know that that's what it's for, right, Like what if it were?
But I think that's the point is it's intended for this, and then we've used it for all these other we exaggerate to make us less uncomfortable about doing that.
Okay, here's one where I think maybe it applies more.
I love the car example, but that's just like not like you would never be like no, But if someone was trying to protect their personal peace and maybe they had a lot going on and they didn't have the bandwidth for somebody else's drama, and maybe I call you and you know that I have something dramatic going on, and I'm like, or I text you to give you a heads up, like, hey, do you have time to talk today about like this just happens drive me crazy,
and then you, knowing where you are with your mental health for this day, you're like, I really don't have the capacity for her drama today, so you just replied that no again. But that's to protect your peace, I know, But I feel like someone that might be a case where someone might be like, I don't need to explain myself. I just don't have time for them today.
No.
But then that is weird because I would want you to say. What I would really appreciate from you is, Hey, I know you're going through a lot, and I would love to work through this with you. I don't have the bandwidth for it today, but maybe tomorrow.
Yes, you're using that like the phrase like it knows a complete sentence. I think it's supposed is supposed to and like the Grand scheme of things help people say sentences like you said not just say an oh, it's been taken to literally if that makes sense, Like that was just me saying no, because if you did ask me that, I would be like, oh, I can't today, but here's another day x y Z. And some people could even say like I don't have the time today.
I'm so sorry, Like what but just me being like, oh, my therapist said knows a complete sentence, so I should practice doing that, and me just saying n O period to you, you would probably be like that was harsh. What's going on with her? And like whoops? And so it's not clear. I don't think that that's clear. And you've taught me like being clear as kind? Or is it Brene Brown that taught you that?
No, I mean, I don't know who originally said it. I'm sure a lot of people say it, but my mentor of sorts, you know, her name's Alex. Yeah, she has drilled into me clear ast kind. Also I got it from Janet way back in the day therapy. No clear is kind? Unclear is unkind? Okay, A lot of people in the recovery space too, you hear.
It a lot.
So SIT's bro, it's a good reminder.
So no complete can be a complete sentence. And that's not the sentence that we use. When we use it exactly, it doesn't sound as good and instagram graphic. I think that's part of the problem there.
Okay, So what else isn't toxic? Just uncomfy?
Someone expressing disappointment, Like if somebody shares with you that they're like disappointed in something or it could be something you did, it could be something whatever. They're not being toxic. It's okay to do that.
It's just uncomfortable.
Yeah, to hear it, just hear that. Yeah. Now again, this is all nuanced. So there's levels of this, and the last one is conflict that leads to growth. So any conflict that leads to growth most likely is not going to be toxic to be healthy, conflict that leads to growth versus disruption and destruction.
I will say too, like, certain things are uncomfortable. This isn't profound, like nothing, Like what's she going to say? You're gonna be like, well, yeah, duh. But it's helpful to consider in your thoughts when pondering comfort. Things are uncomfortable until they're not.
Okay, funny because you set it up. But I know that is a good pension.
My My point is, when I'm looking back over the last five or six years, some stuff that used to be so uncomfortable for me isn't uncomfortable anymore because I leaned into the uncomfort. I got comfortable with the uncomfortable too. So now new situations, circumstances arise and you have to
navigate those waters. And now I'm just picturing like a bicep lifting like a dumb bell, like but because I exercised, Like it's this picture a dumbell that's like says uncomfortable, and I'm like lifting it like the more I lift it, the easier it gets, and so it's not uncomfortable anymore.
Like over time, not in that same overtime. No, Like I'm talking like some of the stuff maybe took two years or and I'm talking about in ways of how you communicate, in ways of how you operate in relationships, of how you handle something toxic or uncomfortable. But because you exercise that that muscle, like, the more we avoid, because then that's you never face the uncomfortable, so you don't learn how to lift it. Yeah, now you've follow it.
No, I love what you're saying.
It was just your setup that really got me. You've never pictured a dumb bell that says uncomfortable, never use that, but who knows I might use that? Now? Be like picture it. You're at the gym and you go over to the weight rack and you pick up the dumb bell that says uncomfortable. You know because like one day, Oh, I was at the gym with my boyfriend the other day and we were doing what's the bench an incline bench, and I was doing chest presses, yeah, like on an incline.
And I've seen and read from many experts in perimenopause that perimenopausal women need to be lifting to exertion, like by the eight rep it should be very very difficult, like maybe eight is your max. And you know, a lot of time, like I grew up in a lifting weights of like three sets of fifteen, you know, and then you just kind of do it, and it's you know, by the time you get fifteen, it's hard but whatever. But we're talking like by the time you're doing eight,
it's like I can barely right. So my boyfriend is even spotting me because I normally lift like five or ten pounds, but he I got twenty five pound dumbbells in each arm.
Oh my god.
But I mean he was there so that if it fell like or if I, yeah, like I buckled and like dropped it, I would be fine. But I told him I wanted to practice maxing out and I could only make it to eight, and then we set him down, and then I tried it again and I made it, Like I think by the third time, I started to trust myself a little more and I made it to nine.
But I know next time we go back, I'll be more comfortable to be like, OK, yeah, let's get the twenty five, because when he first bought me the twenty five, I was like, stop, no, let's try twenty He's like, no, no, no, let's try this. But I'll be more inclined to lay down and be like, yeah, give me the twenty fives because I know I can do it, And then fast forward maybe two or three more gym visits, and I'd be like, get the thirties.
And even the confidence that I can even see like happening after your time story.
So when something uncomfortable happens, my point is you're ready for it. Yeah, and you're gonna be like this isn't gonna be easy to lift, but I know I can do it. Well.
It's what you're saying too, is like the only way through is through.
Don't get me through us through? Yeah, and the you know, like I said a couple of minutes ago, at the beginning, things are uncomfortable, are uncomfortable till they're not.
You heard it here first Ladies and Gentlemen.
Quoter what was I don't even remember the exact quote, but it's like things are uncomfortable until they're not.
That literally, the thing was sweet. Nobody's ever probably said that before either, so you can really I'm kidding. I'm sorry. That was kind of mean. You got excited.
Well you're toxic, okay, So so that ends that segment. Yeah, so things that aren't toxic just uncomfortable.
And this is not an exhausted list, obviously, it's just this one little thing I found online that I liked good reminders.
So I made protein balls the other night that were not good at all, and my boyfriend had to say, like, this isn't your best work. But I had to improvise because I didn't have everything, and you know, I typically if I'm putting protein powder in them, it's unflavored. Way, well, I was out, so I'm unflavored. So I used a vanilla.
That's where you went wrong.
It went so wrong, and then I thought, well, i'll fix this. I'll add a little milk ew I know, wait's I don't know, I don't know it needed. I just thought, well, I'm just gonna go rogue from the recipe and just like try something different and create it. And then it was like mushballs and they eventually hardened.
Did you eat them or did you throw them out? Yeah?
When you saw me eating one earlier, that was one of them. I'm not going to waste it.
I was gonna say, you're really good at not wasting.
Food, thank you. So wasn't my best work at all. And I had to take that feedback from him, like he wasn't being toxic. Though. It was uncomfortable because I was like, well, shoot, dang, I didn't like hearing it.
Well, and did you kind of like know though? Yeah?
I kind of like knew, but I mean I didn't think they were like terrible. But he was just like, oh, it's not your best work.
Yeah, it would be a little bit harder for you to hear that probably if you're like, oh my gosh, these are so good taste someone.
He was like, oh, oh yeah, that would be difficult and said I knew I went rogue. I said, well, I had improvise and this is what we got, so take it or leave it, buddy. So then last night I was at his house and he had all the ingredients for the balls minus protein powders, so these aren't protein balls. We just made balls and he had everything else. And he's like, okay, do it your way. So I pull up the Feeling Things podcast, like, I go to that. Do you ever do that? Like? I literally go to
our cooking made post so many times. I know, but I just didn't after my mishap.
Yeah, I didn't like, I can't take any chance.
I didn't trust myself. So I went to on our Instagram page and I went to the cooking video of the first time we made the protein balls, and I was like verbat him and I had measuring cups out and I'm like, we're not messing these up. Well, he doesn't like chocolate chips, which is something we put in there. He doesn't like them. He'll pick them out.
Yeah, he doesn't like the flavor.
He doesn't like chocolate speaking of bumps. He's like it breaks me out. And I'm like one chocolate chip and he's like, well there's not one, there's like half a cup. Does he like the flavor of chocolate? Not really, he just doesn't. He's like, I've never been someone habit and trust me. He's like, if I when I have chocolate, I my skin is different. So it's like, I don't mess with it.
You think that my bumps. I'm just kidding.
Is it chocolate?
I don't think it. Wait, that is so interesting. I feel like you don't meet that many people that like don't like love chocolate.
Yeah, he does not love chocolkay, so I said, And he did have chocolate chips. I mean he has kids. So I was like, do you want me to not put in the chocolate chips? I said, but I feel like it's going to miss something because, like to me, the chocolate chips yes, a little crunch. And he's like, well, I have rice crisps like Cereal. Why are you?
At first, I was thinking, right.
Well, the degree the brand specifically, because I will say the puff in these is nice. The brand is one degree. I looked at the box. One degree maybe brown rice puffs?
Okay?
He said he got them at Whole Foods, but I'm sure you could get them at public Sir Kroger, I don't know. And HB shout out from a Texas listeners and let me tell you, we didn't put chocolate chips. We put the brown rice crisppuff ball thingies so good.
I'm imagining that being good.
I mean, game changer. You could even add it with the chocolate.
Can I still have the chocolate ships?
Yeah, well I think I have rice cake.
So i'magining it just like adds a little bit more like airy crunched.
And airy crunch is a good way to put it. And let me tell you, as soon as I get I'm out of ingredients at my house. But now that I've made this at his, and I got to go get my own box of one degree and I got to get some unflavored way because I like having the protein in them. I'm making these with the chocolate chips and the puffs and it's it's like our recipe elevator. It's the twenty twenty six version. I cannot wait.
I have a question about this though, because do you need to add more wet ingredients in.
There so they stay together? No?
Oh really nope, because sometimes mine are a little dry, so I add a little extra honey or peanut butter. So this was still okay.
How much of the of it did you use? Like a cup did not measure? Because I just was like, oh, well, I'm just adding it in for an extra crunch. So I just sprinkled it. So I have to get a measurement if people want that, But I think you could just like sprinkle to you'll till you're content. Okay, so do you sort of like with the chocolate chips, I think we have a measurement on our recipe.
But like something you too much, too much?
I agree, sometimes it's too much, so you could do less, just add as you go, figure out what works for you. And I gotta say, this is one of those things that was born out of maybe some uncomfortableness because I had to go through the crappy balls and and my boyfriend say like, oh, not your best work to then the next night me wanting to prove myself at his house to be like I got you. I know last night they were pretty bad, but I can do this and I'm going to make you some good balls.
And I did it, and I did it, but it life was forever change.
But I probably wouldn't have made them. Yeah, So like also look at it that way when you're going through something uncomfortable.
Yeah, it's giving you the push you need what to get to you?
What is going to come from it.
Yeah, well, what does this make possible? Better balls? Better balls?
Crunch your crunch your bone.
Crunch your balls. So that was a game changer.
I want to try that. Yeah, I'm loving I'm loving those balls. In fact, I'm going to go over to my boyfriend's house today and there's going to be some left and I can't wait to eat one since I don't have the ingredients at my house yet. So I'm going to be eating more those today and I'm going to be finishing book Lovers. Finishing, Yeah, let me finishing it.
When did you start it.
Two days ago? Maybe when I right when I finished Nightingale? I picked it right up, which is quite the difference because Nightingale, uh was obviously historical fiction, very heavy, like I was crying, and so I was happy to roll into something lighter, and I decided to make my first Emily Henry read Book Lovers.
Can you give us a summary of what it's about? Because the title doesn't really make me want to read it?
Okay, Well, it's two people. They love books crazy, and so they're one is a book editor and one as a book a literary agent.
Are they women as one a man?
Are they one as a man and one as a woman.
Oh, the book Lovers Love is multi dimensional there, Yeah, isn't it? Okay?
But it's I'm like, really cute. Oh and there's a cute sister of relationship happening. Okay, I like also in The Nightingale there was a sister relationship. Well, define it's cute.
Yeah, it's different. I was gonna say I like her books because they're easy read. So that's what sounds like. That was easy read, like you're you're almost done with this?
Yes, Although Nightingale I appreciated the font on the book was a little bit bigger. So switching from that to Book Lovers, the book is smaller. And I need my reading glasses. I need reading classes. I got mine by prescription and then I lost them, and I've been so upset about them because they were expensive that I've refused to get new ones because I keep hoping i'll find them.
But yeah, I don't. I think maybe if they are glasses that help you see.
Yeah, but I can see. I can still see.
If you're straining to read, I think that makes your eyesight worse.
Right, Really, it's not like a muscle. I'm not exercising it.
No, I think it's straining makes your eyesight worse.
Oh. I feel like if you start to use glasses too soon before you need it, you become too dependent and you weaken your eye. Did I just make that up? At least that's what I'm hope.
I don't know.
I don't know either. I was just hoping for that being the case, you know.
Yeah, I don't know. I think if you need glasses, the best solution is like to wear them, get them and wear them.
Get them and wear them. What are you reading?
So? Well? I put this book in the newsletter last week, but I've been reading. I'm on a Kristin Hannah kick, which is who wrote The Nightingale. But I'm saving The Nightingale because I want to read that, and I listen to all my books. So what's going to happen is I'm probably never going to read The Nightingale.
No, you have to. I know it might be my favorite book ever, and I know I just finished it. But okay, it catapulted its first place.
Okay, Well, her my favorite book is one of her books. It was It's the Winter and the one that I months ago talked about.
Well, that's what I need to read next.
It's so good. But I'm reading listening to Four Wins, which is about the Great Depression and the dust Bowl and people moving to California for jobs and then the startup unions. Sounds so boring if you would have told me that. Oh literally, when it was done, I was upset that there wasn't more of it, like I wanted to keep going. Very good and you learn. That's the best part about historical fiction is you learn. Yeah, and I love learning.
You know us learn learn, learn, which I sent you something to teach you something about cars and humans. We can end on that. It was an Instagram video that popped up of doctor Matt Townsend. He was doing looks like a podcast interview with somebody, and he looked like.
The sweetest he did little man.
At first, I was like, is he real?
Is this ai?
Like everything, I'm questioning everything, But he's I googled him. He's real. He's got a PhD. And he was talking about highly sensitive people. But he broke us into two categories. Humans put humans in two categories, Like you're either a Chevy or a Ferrari, Right, is that what he said?
Yeah?
Both are good cars. Both are great cars. It's not about that it's about horsepower. It's not about that it's a good car or not. It's that Ferraris. I don't know how many times faster, but he described highly sensitive people as being four times more sensitive to stimuli, smell, circumstances, emotional events, news, probably anything in the world. So that's more of like the Ferrari. So just for the sake of the story, it's probably does to have four times
the horsepower. I don't know, but Ferraris are these people, and it made me think of you. And I was like, I think CAP might be a Ferrari, And so I send it to Kat and she was like, Okay, I think I am a little bit Like I don't think I'm a Chevy, but I don't think I'm a Ferrari. So then I googled what's in between and a lower end Porsche.
Which I don't love that it says lower end. Can I just be a Porsche?
Well, because there's certain Porsches, I guess Porsches, but do you know Porsches.
Porsche, Yeah, you said it that way earlier feels elevated.
So certain Porsches have more horsepower, like a super high I'm on the lower end.
Okay, I'm still high, and again the Chevy's still good. But I think also the information he was giving was to help people understand that these people have so many gifts to be more sensitive in that word sensitive not supposed to be negative. They have so many more gifts where they can attune to things differently, and they can
prepare differently and all of that. But the problem is when you aren't aware of that, it's easy to get off track, and it's easy for all the stimuli to get you off the track versus help you get where you need to go faster. Yeah, you just said it in different words. Yeah.
He was talking about how a Ferrari on a track is awesome, like it's doing its thing and it's gonna win. But yeah, you take it off the track and it's a little disaster.
Yeah.
So make sure if you're a highly sensitive person, you get on track, get it together, keep it together, be aware, be aware where the track is, be aware where the track is. Yeah.
Yeah, so where would you what would you be?
Because yeah, I don't think that you're I'm not a Ferrari, but I don't think I'm a Chevy either.
But I don't think you're at my level. Like I think I'm a little more sensitive than you, not in a I'm better than you.
I think it's true a chill than yeah, like you have to get to the airport like five hours early, or like parking the other night we went to dinner and you were like, I have to hang up the phone.
That's parking lot stressing me out. And then your husband is like he got there before you, and you got a really good parking spot on the street, and he even knows how you are, so he texted me and was like, hey, do you want my parking spot, because he knew that just giving you that spot would like then ease your mind.
It was too stressful for me to switch and park into that spot because it was parallel, so I ended up parking in a big parking lot. He walked over in the rain to my car, got in the driver's seat, and then parked my car for me.
Oh, and it.
Was raining and it was dark, and I have a stigmatism and I can't see at night very well.
Right to you being highly sensitive, it's just it's just one of the things I see you too, as like very intuitive and like I thank you. I trust your gut.
You're more like flow a lot of times.
Yeah yeah, but I just so organized my silverware precisely, oh very in a very precise way.
When I got here today, I brought my oatmeal, but I didn't have a spoon, and so I opened her silver ward war and I just feel like I looked at you blankly and was like, that's gone on in this drawer because every spoon and fork is perfectly set on top of the next, and they even look pristine like there.
And it's the way I stack them up and down like I have a method. Oh yeah, it's I don't know what it is, but I love when I'm unliving the dishwasher. I'm like, and one, I don't know that that's when your porch comes out. Maybe I'm like, I wish you would show up in other things because there's a lot of stuff. I don't need to be that organized at all. But that's a drawer that I take a lot of pride in it.
I appreciate that drawer. It honestly, that dor calmed me down a little bit.
Really Yeah, okay, good, happy I could do that. Okay, So just be aware where are you on the sensitivity scale and know when you're off track.
Yeah cool, because.
When you're off track, then get wet.
Yeah another quote by anyone.
All right, well, thank you for listening. We appreciate you so much. You can follow on socials, Feeling Things podcasts on Instagram, TikTok All the Things, and email us for couch talks. Hey there at Feeling Things podcast dot com. And we hope wherever you are, you are having the day you.
Need to have. Bye.