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This is feeling things.
With Amy and Cat.
Happy Tuesday. Welcome to feeling Things. I'm Amy and I'm Cat and we are continuing our series on the Four Horsemen from doctor John Gottman, and today's is a doozy. We finally hit the one that will just send your relationship down the drain down the toilet right like a slow flush. And then one day you're just like.
Oh wow, I think the criticism is like the slow flush, this.
Is the well, but how fast? I mean you might live with it for a little bit.
This is like I'm just it's like Jarn, It's like you feel it.
I saw if you stay in this one you get sick more. I told Kat I didn't read in too much on this one. Because we have a doc where we build everything that Kat is the therapist, so she's delivering this information to us and this is something that you probably go over with clients and stuff or recommend to them or recommend that they do more research themselves. Because he has a book, right, he has a lot of books. But he also I mean, is it specifically for this or does he mention this.
In This is just in his research information that you can find. If anybody wants to know more and doesn't want to read a book, you go to the Gotman Institute's website. They have a blog, They have tons of articles. They probably have ten articles just on contempt, which is what we're talking about today, or just on the four horsemen. So if you are interested or you just want to read more, go there. That's a better place than just googling or going on Wikipedia to learn because it's all
coming from his research. It's things that the Gotments have put on there and people that work for them.
Yeah, and like by research, he was doing very intense things with couples, like some even in his own home, right or did I make that up? He might have been doing that like therapy and like recording.
Then so he had the love lab. Is that what you're talking about?
Okay, so his own home his lab whatever, But he was monitoring people like filming them and watching their interactions.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yeah, and.
Like seeing how they were communicating.
Also, I didn't think about this, but if you if you do a training with the Gotment Institute, you'll get to see some of the recordings of therapy sessions and sometimes you'll see them in like the waiting room and stuff like that, and they'll talk you through those things. Have you ever watched Couples Therapy?
No?
Okay, it's I want to say, I don't know what streaming service is on. It's not like a Netflix. It might be HBO or something.
I'll figure it out.
Less popular, but it's worth if they have a thirty day trial, it's worth just doing that to watch the show.
Paramount Plus and Hulu.
Oh okay, Hulu. So it is the therapist on Their name is doctor Orna, and she is incredible. When I watch it, it feels like continuing education, but also it's entertaining. It's a TV show, and I'm very weary of therapy entertainment because I'm like, who would sign up to do therapy on a TV show?
So who would That's a good question.
I haven't actually done research on figuring the answer to that, But my assumption is they're getting free therapy, and I'm sure she's a pretty penny.
Right, So I'm willing to share all of my things with the world in exchange for.
This theory because maybe it will save my marriage or save my relationship. And they do a great job of having all different kinds of relationships on there, all different types of people, all different types of religions, Like it kind of does kind of check every box. But if you read about and learn about these four horsemen and then you watch the show, it would be a fun exercise for somebody to go in and look at like when you see each one, and there are some when
you watch the ones and you're like, that's contempt. Even I'm like, there's no way, And part of me is like I don't want this couple to make it because they are both hurting each other so often and so harshly.
Do you think two contempt people end up together or one is the contempt and then the other person turns contempt both.
I don't think it's just as like you married a contemptuous person. I think that a lot of times what happens in relationships is things build and build and build, and then you start building this resentment and then you become contemptuous towards your partner. Now, if you're married to somebody who is has a lot of traits of narcissism or is diagnosed as a narcissist, then they're probably gonna be contemptuous at times. But I don't think it's just like you are this person most of the time.
You know, Nick Cannon, Ye, Maria carries, yeah baby daddy and then a lot of other Yeah baby Ddy's mama's. Yeah, he was the baby daddy to a lot of babies. Yeah, not just Maria carry. But I didn't know if you knew that he was recently on the Breakfast Club and he shared with them that he was diagnosed with MPD.
No way. Yeah, I saw something somewhere that he said, and maybe it was from there he said he wasn't treating people very well, so maybe he's trying to get.
Yeah, I mean that that was a couple of years ago that you know, he did all the tests and it's a lot of questions and intense therapy and filling out questionnaires and whatnot that he realized he had narcissistic personality disorder. And that so many times he thought that's just the way things were, but he's realized he can't be that way, so he's doing the work to try not to be that way. And I'm like, wow, this just seems like the opposite of everything we hear. Now.
I've heard from experts that there is a possibility that there can be work done, but that person has to be open to it, and most narcisses aren't going to be open to testing for it.
Yes, that's true. And I also was going to say, and this is me just saying this, that this can also happen. Somebody who's diagnosed with that personality disorder can also present like they are this person who's like, oh my gosh, I don't want to be this way. I'm going to change this. That's a way to manipulate people too, but they really have no intention of doing that. They're like to get ahead of it. Does that make sense that Costs are very good actors, not.
So much with him, I guess. But I guess I thought that if because they tend to be very manipulative and good at it, that why wouldn't they Just with all this information now that we have about narcissism and how it's everywhere. You kind of like see people saying certain things and you're like, well, if I just don't say that or act this way, then I either will not be perceived as narcissist or I kind of know the right thing to say now and then people will
see me in a different way. That crossed my mind.
Yeah, there's a specific couple on one of the season where you have a couple's therapy, yes, where you can tell that there's some narcissism afloat, and the way that the doctor orner handles it is like so beautiful where you're not just like calling somebody out, but she's just kind of she was trying to understand this person, and he kept being like no, no, no, no, like she wouldn't allow her to like she probably was actually getting it right, but he kept always having an excuse for something,
even if she was like parroting back what he said. And so she just said to him, it feels like it's really hard to get things right for you with you? Is that true? And he was like, what are you talking about? And she's like, well, it just feels like I'm trying to understand you and it feels really hard for me to understand you. Do you feel that? Do you feel like it's hard for people to understand you?
And you can. I'm going to find the season and come back and tell you, guys, because it was such a like a caring, empathetic view of how it looks like to be in relationship with these people, and you have so much empathy for the part too, and also like, hello, now you deserve better than this. Yeah, I mean you were going to say what you saw on the dock we trailed off.
Oh no, just like under contempt. Like I told you, I just went in to put my funny story that I just went in to put my feeling of the day, and I was like, I really didn't read much about it. I was like, but what's crazy to me is that if someone's in in a contemptuous relationship, they are more susceptible to illness, Like they get sick more because they're weakened immune system. And then you're like, well, that's at the top of the dock, and I was like, yeah, it's.
The first thing, yeah, which is that's funny.
Well, and it's also in fun it's like four times thicker than I just.
Thought that was crazy too, and it's yeah, your immune system gets weakened, because I mean that speaks to how our mental health affects the wholeness of our health. If I'm constantly being beaten down or having to feel like I have defend myself all the time, I don't feel safe in my closest relationship, your body's going to take that on and then you're not gonna be able to fight off actual things like the flu.
Yeah, wild, it is crazy. I'm going to do the feeling of the day before we get into contempt.
I would love to.
I'm sad. I know it doesn't seem sad sad, but I'm sad because my boyfriend left for Paris today without me.
This is you know, that's like the one place you want to go.
It's on my list, It's on my bucket list. Yes, And of course I could go with him if I didn't have work. I mean he would be working, but I could still. And apparently then when he left today because he came by to get a folding bag and he was like, I think my hotel room looks all to the Eiffel Tower, And I was like cool, stop and He's like I can bring you a sweatshirt, and I was like, okay.
It's the same thing.
Yeah, I mean I think I can get that here in the mall. But the sad is giving me information though, like I'm sad that I can't be there, but also I'm thankful for my job, so it's like give take, and then I guess it's good that I'm sad because like I care about my relationship, you know, like if I wasn't sad, like he's going to experience something like I want to experience that with him, okay, and like I don't get to do that, maybe we will one day. So also like I'm sad, but then hopeful that maybe
one day we'll take our own trip to Paris. And then the saddest information though, because like what if I was like, eh, neutral, like I don't care you're leaving for a week. I'm good.
Well you yeah, you would feel that about any trip, right, not just Paris. It's just an extra.
It's extra because it's like where.
You want to go, want to go? I really want to ask a hypothetical question, but if it feels weird, just let me know. Okay, if you were to one day go on a honeymoon with anybody doesn't have to do with your boyfriend. If you got to make that decision on your own, where do you think you would go?
Good?
Would you go to Paris? Or do you think you would do me?
I mean maybe, but it's feeling a little cliche for honeymoon. Yeah, but okay, maybe it's just because I just watched the Summer I Turn Pretty and cut that out, cut that out? Just leep it wait did it?
I don't watch that.
I can up, I know, but everybody's watching it. It's all the rage. I can't believe you're not No, you can't. I cannot say, we cannot keep.
Doesn't just be he just beaped it.
We're still talking, Okay, he used to just put a beep over what I said. The coast of Spain. Maybe I would go. I've always wanted to go to Spain.
Okay, that felt like you just like picked a random thing.
No, No, I've wanted to go to Spain like.
Well, because my question is, are you the type of person who wants on a honeymoon to just have like a relaxing like time or do you want to go on like a trip and like see things and experience parts of the world. It could be both.
I want to be a little bit. I want to relax and experience a little bit. No, I do not need to be hitting up every museum and all the land. No, So that that answers it. We're not going to Paris because I do want to go to like the like that would be great and see certain sites, and I just don't think I want to be doing that on my honeymoon.
That's how I felt. I was thinking about Hawaii, but I feel like if I go to Hawaii, I want to be doing activities the whole time and like traveling different places. So we just went somewhere and I just laid down for a week.
See. Yeah, I could see myself like in some zero horizon pool somewhere off the coast of somewhere, you know, on a pool where there's like no infinity. Is that not called a zero horizon pool?
It could be called both. There was an infinity pool at where we went on our honeymoon.
Okay, a zero horizon pool more commonly called an infinity pool. So I'm just part of.
The your special Yeah.
It also could be called by some people a vanishing edge pool. It creates the illusion that the water has no edge, appearing to fall into the surrounding landscape or horizon. That's me because I don't love the beach, like I don't love sand and salt water, but I like the sound of the ocean. You know, some pools are saltwater pools. I can deal with the saltwater pool. I don't want to be in the saltwater ocean with creatures. Yeah, and
the sand, so I can be in a pool. Correction, it's not so much the salt water as it is the creatures creatures in the sand. So, okay, take me to the coast of Spain, just to the hotel pool.
You could probably go to a really nice resort in Spain, yeah, or like a really nice resort in Grease. But then my my thing is like if you go to a resort, you don't really know where you are if you're not going on like excursions. So save the Grease trip for when you go to explore. Okay, so shall we go to contempt.
Let's do it.
So do you know what contempt means outside of this, like outside of the four horsemen? I feel like I don't use that word.
I don't really use that word here in court, contempt of court and content of the same.
Can you look, because contempt essentially means like you believe that there something's below you, Okay.
A contempt of court is an act of disobedience or disrespect towards the judicial branch of the government or an interference with its orderly process. It's an offense against a court of justice or a person whom the judicial functions of the sovereignty have been. Well, we just got a little complicated with our words there, but.
That makes sense because that is aligned with.
Okay, well, so the exact definition, which you may have it, you can read it, okay, the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless or deserving scorn. Oh yeah, so that's just a sad.
Well when you don't want your partner to feel that way about you, nor do you want to feel that way about your partner. And so that's why this is the one that I think is the biggest predictor that
your relationship is not going to make it. If you're seeing contempt in the relationship, you're not too far gone, because there is the antidote, but you're pretty far You really don't want to get to this point, and contempt comes after criticism because it feels like it almost feels like it's like if criticism is like sticking the knife in somebody, contempt is twisting it. It's taking it a
step farther. You're not accidentally being mean to somebody. I think sometimes when we're criticizing people, we don't mean to be mean. We're struggling with kind of expressing ourselves. This is like you are showing this person that they are less than you. It includes in a relationship being disrespectful, like just being disrespectful towards the person, which there's a lot of ways that can actually look and mocking somebody using sarcasm. I know we talked about that with last week.
This is not using sarcasm to be less vulnerable. It's using sarcasm to like make somebody feel bad. What do you think I feel like, You're like.
Well, because I'm just imagining like being in this relationship, and then I'm also evaluating my sarcasm and my relationship.
There is a fine line between sarcasm when we are avoiding vulnerability or when we are avoiding confrontation. Even yeah, like making a joke because there's fear somewhere around, like really sharing how I'm feeling. Okay, this is sarcasm to like put somebody down. Imagine a bullying school. They're making fun of other people in front of a group of people, and they're being sarcastic, like making fun of something you did to hurt you.
Like with contempt. Now I'm aligning it with like just like disgust.
Yeah, there is probably discust in that person because you have to kind of have a level of disgust towards this person to want to make them feel this way. When you love somebody and care about somebody and respect somebody, that's a huge part of this. The respect is gone. You're not going to want to do this to somebody. And if you did do this accidentally, you would feel guilt because if I respect somebody, I'm not going to want to also do this. I mean, there's like mimicking them,
like in a mean way. Sometimes Patrick will like mimic the way I do something or a face that I make being playful. This is mimicking you to make fun of you, to make you hurt, and wanting that person to know that they are less than huge part you want that other person to feel bad. It's almost a way of gaining control of the situation. You look scared.
I'm just thinking of people that might be in this situation and how small you must feel if this is how your partner treats you.
You know, yeah, I or.
Like how exhausting, And then that circles back to the illness thing of like, yeah, you're so worn down that like, no wonder you might get sick more.
Yeah. My fear is people that are in a relationship where one partner is very contemptuous of the other, is that you do lose a you part of your self esteem and self worth. So even the fighting back, you might not even be as defensive because you've kind of already been just like pushed down so far. I mean, if we see somebody doing this, and it's kind of my experience watching Couple's Therapy, I'm like in my head yelling at the TV screen, being like, leave this person.
He is treating you terribly. They are not being kind to you. You deserve better. Like in my head, I'm just like, how could you stay after hearing this and that person's experience that's in it, they're hearing through the lens of well this is who I am. Now, like
I am this, I might not feel like I deserve better. Yeah, So this is more so if you're seeing somebody that you love in a relationship like this and you're just wanting to yell at them and say like leave them, or even if you're a helping professional and you want to be like leave them, or you're getting frustrated with somebody.
From our perspective, it looks and feels very different than the person who's in that relationship, and so it's very helpful to offer extra grace and care and empathy to that person versus judge them for staying in a relationship like that. Obviously, if you have a strong self esteem and self worth, you're not going to stay in a relationship like that. If you have the ability to leave.
Is the person do you think? I mean, I'm sure it's case my case, But like when the contempt shows up or that contemptuous behavior, but similar to a narcissist, which I'm not saying just because you're contemptious in a relationship doesn't mean you're a narcissist, right, But like narcissists have charming sides and they have like their love bombing face and you can be very charismatic, like, when you're in a contemptuous relationship, does that partner still offer like lovey awesome moments?
I think it depends, and you can be in a relationship where that does happen, and that's even more confusing.
Right, Well, I was thinking, like it sucks you back in and you're like, oh, look how they are and like this is just.
Well, And I think when you're in a relationship like that, it probably didn't start that way. So if you're struggling with it, a lot of times you're having that rosy retrospect where you're looking back and you're remembering the good times and not seeing the stuff that might outweigh those good times. So there's not one way this looks. So to answer that question, yes, and not always. It depends, right, And like I said earlier, this usually happens when a
couple has the ability to recover from this. It usually did not start that way, and it usually builds out of a continuation of not being able to share your feelings and talk about things, and so you build these feelings up and the person who's contemptuous might have created a story in their head where you are what they're saying because they have not expressed their needs to you, and so they keep getting angry or keep getting frustrated, or keep getting To use a very stakes example, like
imagine your job was to take out the trash and you never did it, and ten years go by and you still have not done it. But I have not asked you to do it or reminded you. I'm just resenting when resenting resenting you for ten years because you can't take the trash out. So I'm building that story up. Yeah, that scenario happens, But you know what I mean.
Do you have like examples of things that they might say.
Yeah, I have ways of sounds. And before I get to that, I want to make sure I say this that one of the biggest issues with contempt I might have said this already is once you get there, this safety is lost. So without safety in a relationship, it's
essentially poisoned. If there's no safety in a relationship, you're not going to come to somebody and be vulnerable, right, and you're going to hide and you're going to run away from those conversations, conversations that really need to be happening, and even therapy can be scary because therapy is very vulnerable.
And so that's one thing that if you start to see this, take it seriously from the very beginning, because the more this builds, the less safety you have, and then you're gonna have a less opportunity to have the relationship you really want.
Can you clarify safety, because as like I'm hearing it as Layman's person here over here, like I'm thinking, like, are you not talking about physical safety? You're talking about just like emotional safety.
There's no emotional.
Can'ty vulnerable with this person anymore?
Yes, because when you have relational safety within a person, like I feel very emotionally safe with you. Earlier today I walked in and I was not my best self. I knew that I could do that in this space because I know that there's not judgment and that our relationship can still be good even if we have moments
where we're not our best. I cannot have it all together, or I can like let true parts of like my shadow side that I don't really want everybody to see come out and there won't be this you won't use that against me, right right? That's also why when we have disagree we can talk to each other about them, or if we're frustrated with each other, Like I know if I do something that upsets you, well, I believe
this if I do, mostly because it's happened. For if I do something that upsets you, I feel safe knowing that you will come to me, because I think you also know that I will be able to hear you.
Yeah, vice versa. Yes, because we have safety in our relationship. Okay, and go to clarify. While that could be an issue for some people specifically, what you're talking about when safety is lost when this shows up is the real emotional safety.
But I would also say if there's physical abuse happening in a relationship, they're probably is contempt there as welles Yeah, but they're not like mutually losing. Okay, So what this can sound like? So I'm just going to give you some phrases that like this somebody who's being contemptuous. This could be what they say calling somebody pathetic, like you're so pathetic.
They just feel like they someone has to be drunk to say this or something thing, but I was wrong, but you would think like out of their mind, like someone you're telling me. Somebody sober could say that just says to someone you're pathetic.
And that's very outright, Like you could even be more kind of insidious with this, and it sound more like why would you ever think that, Like if somebody's mess something up, or let's say somebody missed something on a calendar, it's not that hard to write things down your calendar, but of course you did that. Of course that happened
to you, you know, putting somebody down. If somebody's expressing they had a hard day, like the contempt could sound like, oh, you think you've had a rough day, try and living in my life for an hour, you would never last,
like making like you're so small and weak. So they're saying your week without saying your week in that moment where that person can also just say you're pathetic, you're so selfish, you should be ashamed of yourself, Like sharing with somebody that like you should be ashamed of yourself, versus is like, oh, how are you holding up with that? If we're feeling shame, Like it's okay to feel shame
and talk about that with your partner. And that's also saying like it's not okay to mess up, because if you messed up and you forgot something, I'm not coming at you and saying you should be ashamed of yourself. That's so embarrassing. Yeah, I'm like, oh that sucks. I'm so sorry. The contempt sounds jarred because it is. It is.
Yeah, I guess you're right, you're like, this should be jarring.
Yeah. And if the other part with this too, and that can be really tough from the recipient is when you confront them about that, when they're like, well, that was mean. They can use phrases like I'm just telling you how it is. Well, if you can't handle the truth, then don't ask those kinds of things where it sounds like they're doing almost like you a favor or it's your fault. So good times the good news.
Yeah, I want the antidote there is that.
There is an antidote, and that's with everything. So if you haven't listened to the other two episodes of The Four Horsemen, they offer an antidote for each of the horsemen. This one is actually, I think just something we should be doing in general and all of our relationships and just keeping in mind with all of our relationships it's just building a culture of appreciation and respect. And then there's two ways to do like two tips to do this.
There's probably way more, but I'm gonna give you two. So the first one is just knowing that there is a five two to one ratio. Did you know this ratio?
I know this from just from Gottman as well. Yeah, the for every bad experience or negative encounter you have in your relationship you need five positives to make up for it.
Is that it Yeah, that's a good job, and that comes from their research. Is like, we hold on to a negative comment or experience five times more than the positive, and we can use that towards anything like think about how if one person makes a negative comment about what you look like, that holds way more weight than if somebody says something possible about what you look like. We just receive feedback differently positive and negative. I really wish we could find a solution for that.
Well, I was reading something the other day I cannot remember where, so I'm going to paraphrase it. But back when we were in survival mode, like I don't know, Caveman type days, like negative experiences helped keep us alive, so we remembered those more than a positive because if you remember something that's a threat or negative, then you know how to better be ready.
Yeah, that's probably part of it. I also think that confirmation bias is there too, So if we have insecurities, we look for evidence to prove that those things are Like the little critic inside of our head is looking for feedback to hold on to more than we're looking for evidence against. So I think there's probably a lot of things at play, including what you just said, that add to why we hold onto these things heavier. So because we can't change that, we can just snap our
fingers and carry the positive stuff more. What you do is you just try to balance it out by saying more positive things more often. Really, and also part of this is noting those positive experiences. So for whatever reason as well, we could have twenty things happen that go great throughout our day, but we just think of them as normal. That one negative thing we're going to clock right, but we don't clock the positives as much. So part of this exercise, I think, is going back through your
day almost like how you do like gratitude journaling. We don't notice how much your gratitude how much gratitude you have. Until you actually pay attention to it and write it down, you don't notice how many positive things usually happen unless you're paying attention to them.
Yeah, so when it came to contentious relationship, how does the five to one work? Like the person that like say, I say to you, we're having an argument or something, and for a reason, I'm like, you're actually like a child that's negative. So like then I realize, oh, wow, I said that to you. Now I need to give you some positive experiences.
No, may back up, because that's this is confusing.
I'm trying to make it confusing.
No, No, this is I think that I'm glad you pointed this out because I'm sure other people are thinking this.
This is not are you saying I'm stupid. I'm just kidding. I'm being contempious to myself.
This is not to balance out the contemptuous behavior. Yes, we're trying to get rid of that. When you can't balance out contemptuous behavior, you don't want to be in that, Okay, Because also that goes back to your point of you go through those like the cycle of them being really charming and kind and then they're mean you never want
to normally the contemptuous behavior. This is because a lot of times you become contemptuous because you've forgotten what you really care about these people, like what you like about these people. This happens like usually a roads over time. And so we're trying the gatmins are really in this, trying to peel back and help you remember why you really are in the relationship with this person, because there's a reason you guys were together.
We're trying to Yeah.
So the more I can compliment these people, the more I can remind myself that this good experience happened or something like that, the more I'm taken back to the good memories and the good feelings I have towards this person versus the negative.
Oh okay, thank you for clarifying. Yeah, this makes sense, because I was like, Wow, the contemptuous person's gonna have to realize they said something rude and then say five nice things after. But I know it's not as simple as that, So thank you for clarifying that. This is more so yeah, getting back to the root of what first drew you to this person and there, and there's probably a lot of things there, but you don't focus on them, because you just focus on the ones that
the things that are annoying you. Yeah.
Yeah, we can all look at moments less where we're doing that for sure. And the other tip with this antidote is just small things often, so it kind of feeds off of that, is to note with your partner small things because we hold on to big things, especially positive like we remember when they bought us flowers, or when they plan this trip or when they did this
thing that's like big and maybe not normal versus small things. Often, can you point out the everyday things you like about somebody, or the everyday things that made you feel appreciated or that you had fun with or something like that. It can be as simple as like notice that you you love waking up next to your partner.
Or my boyfriend and I were driving the other day and I just told him this today because we were on the phone this afternoon and I think we were talking about like our relationship of how it's evolved because some conversation at dinner the other night the other night with another couple and like courting and you know, guys paying for things, and then like when does the girl start sort of paying? And I don't know. I'm just
giving you a little bit of the backstory. Like we were just talking about yeah, like or if you're going on a trip, like who pays for what? And one of the persons there was of the mindset that, like the guy should just always pay for everything, like it didn't matter. And my boyfriend I didn't necessarily agree with that, but in the early dating, like for dinner and stuff, it is nice for me and and even him like
he would want to pay. He's like, I don't. I would never like first or second date be like you know, but some people are just different.
It's not like we're people would actually be offended by that.
Yeah, like they want to pay, like or they want to go Dutch, or the women maybe want to feel independent.
Yeah.
So I'm not saying how we do is right, but
we are happened to be in alignment on that. And so somehow the conversation evolved into like little things that we do to show each other, like here, and I was like, you know, the other day when we were in the car and he was driving, and then he had one hand on the wheel and then he came over to my neck with his other hand and just kind of like massage my shoulder and my neck a little bit while we were driving down the road, and I was like, I've thought about that multiple times since then,
and that was such a simple act, so easy, no money. We felt what I felt cared for, just like how they're trying to say women feel cared for if the guy's pining for meal. Well, I felt cared for just with the random shoulder massage while driving down the road, like something about that I loved and I wanted to make sure that I express that so that he'll do it more.
Yeah, And I think often we assume that men don't need as much affirmation as we do or as women do, and they do. Like men want to be cared for too, and want to be appreciated and want to be want to feel secure as well, Like they don't just walk around having all the confidence in the world all the time. I think they feel pressure to do that or feel that.
So that makes a big difference. Like letting him know that you felt good by such a small, tiny thing that he did probably felt just as good as the thing that he did to you. That makes sense. Yeah, so there you have small thing, Yes, small things often and that's something that you can just randomly do or you can see you yeah, or you can that can
be a ritual. What you guys do as an exercise if you're helping your relationship back on track, is like weekly, do a check in and like talk about a couple of things, or you could do this nightly, but that just seems like a lot a couple of things that maybe that person didn't know that they did that you really appreciated, or something new that you learned that you
loved about them. Like I didn't think that I would love watching my husband watch sports, but sometimes it's really cute to watch them get so excited about something and then I start appreciating that.
Yeah, I like that. It makes you think of the three a's with my kids, the asking, affirming, and well, what's the other A? Ask?
Affirm M Well, I when I was taught it was regrets, requests, and affirmations. So I was one of them.
Was sorry, no ask. There was like asking for something you need or want, but there's then there was also is there anything I need to ask for forgiveness or like that I've done that I need to know about, And then there's affirming, but it wasn't ask ask affirms, so what was the other a? It's like, ask why is my brain doing this right now? Acknowledge no, ask ask an affirm what are some other a's appreciation? Oh well, my brain can't think of it right now. We'll get dang,
it's good. But that was what my therapist was. My kids they were saying, do it as a nightly check in, which for us as a family did get overwhelming, so we kind of stopped, but it served for a season. So affirm no because I.
Find like an acknowledge.
Maybe maybe it could be acknowledged.
Because when we do regrets, requests and affirmations, it's that acknowledging could be the regret.
Yeah it works for now. Okay, we'll take it because it starts with an A and it fits. But really it is just about also checking in, checking in, but without a laundry list. So while every night seem overwhelming, but you only got one, ask or what you can be like, well, you did all of these things, and I need you to feel bad about them all or I need like for my kids, that's when they can say, hey, I'm out of these socks, like they can make a note, but you only ask for one thing per.
Well, I would say with if you're trying to pull yourself out of a contemptuous relationship, to just stick with the affirmations for a little bit.
Yeah, that's probably, But.
Once you graduate, then you can do the other things, because not acknowledging those other things is what gets you to be contemptuous too.
And we can't even remember what the other things are. So just affirm a firm affirm, affirm the three a's. Yeah, keep it simple, m hm cool, kiss, Yeah, keep it simple, silly, silly, because we don't want to say stupid yea, because that's not contemptuous. Okay, Part three, Yeah, that's a wrap. So next week we will be doing part four, which is stoneballing stone walling.
Yeah, secret just like comes in from out of nowhere. What stone walling. I just feel like it shows up out of nowhere.
I know of stone walling. It's quiet, okay, I know of stone wall like from what I've seen from narcissist type stuff.
I really meant like it's quiet because it's literally yeah what it is, shutting shutting down off.
Yeah all right, Well we hope you have the day you need to have. Bye bye,