All right, break it down.
If you ever have feelings that you just won Amy and Cat gotcha Covin locking a brother. Ladies and folks, do you just follow Anna spirit where it's all the front over real stuff to the chill stuff and the aim. But Swayne, sometimes the best thing you can do it just stop you feel things. This is Feeling Things with.
Amy and Kat. Happy Tuesday. Welcome to Feeling Things formerly four Things. I'm Amy and I'm Kat and I got a face fitness con artist update. I can't wait.
You were texting me about it and I freaked out, this don't tell me tell me on the podcast.
And you were like, we can't be friends again until we record the podcast because this is obviously something I would tell you as a friend. But I get your idea of wanting it to be organic on the podcast, since that's what we talked about last week, and I feel like my scams score might change. Well.
To be honest, I was thinking about it, and I think I was being a little bit too kind right because I didn't want you to feel like you were getting scammed.
So, okay, we'll get back to today. Last week, we talked about two core feelings lonely and hurt. So you can go listen to that episode if you want, or you can even watch it on YouTube. Yeah, which is so exciting. Yeah, we have a YouTube channel. What did you say? We have as of today, well, as of when we're recording this, we have eighteen subscribers.
But we started with one and so is it you? I guess it was whoever created it? Okay, so Elizabeth, and then I made Patrick follow it, and then I follow it, and so then I was.
Like, we have three. Cool, Okay, I've I've started following it. We have subscribers. Well, doesn't real what we're real Yeah, I haven't yet had my kids do it on They're like, are we on YouTube? Kids? Is that a different thing? Okay, cat Crime's in here. We've got nineteen and counting. So we just haven't had a YouTube channel for the podcast before. So this is very exciting and you'll be able to
watch us. And we're already episode two upgrading our lighting and all the things because we realized it's a little dark in here. We've got some shadows, so we're making progress. You can also sign up for our newsletter, and I know that's something that we've gotten DMS and emails about So, do you want to clarify how to get the newsletter?
Yes, and bear with me because we're working on another way for you to get it. So, if you're on Instagram, you can go to our Instagram page at Feeling Things Podcast, click the link tree it'll just say newsletter sign up, Boom done. If you don't have Instagram, we're going to post that link on our Facebook page that we.
Will have soon.
Yes, and if you just like can't wait, just email us and I'll send you the link directly.
eCPC. We've also posted it in our stories and we'll keep doing that. But again, if you're not on Instagram, never mind, you're not seeing the stories. But when you do sign up for the email, you do get a treat, or the newsletter, you do get a treat. It's not just like, hey, sign up, you're going to get our Feeling Things Wheel a whole chart, the little flow charts you can better understand your feelings. I'm pretty obsessed with it,
so shut out Kat for putting that together. Lonely and hurt those were our feelings last week and today we're touching on sad and angry. Now, if you remember We left a little teaser at the end of last week's episode because we were supposed to be talking about fear and I was going to touch on my current relationship my boyfriend and some fear that I had around that. But that story is not just my story. So I am holding off for a second because I talked to
him about it, and we're just gonna press pause. There's obviously we have kids, and there are just some things that I'm ready to share, but it's we need a little bit of time, and I think it's important for the fear part, very right, So it's coming.
Yes, I think that's sad story is a really good story to use for that.
So I think waiting is the best. Waiting is the best. So we've we've called an audible and flipped the feelings that we're going to go over. But before we get to sad and angry, we have our feeling of the day, feeling of the day, which is energized. Now, I wanted my feeling of the day to be sore. And then Cat's like, that's not a feeling and I'm like, tell that to my hamstrings. It looks like a bodily sensation. It's a physical feeling.
I know, I feel very emotionally sore. You could be emotionally sore.
No, I'm sore from my sprints that I've been doing. I'm still doing my sprints. I told you about that, like as a friend, but now on the podcast. Yeah, just so that y'all know, we're obviously not trainers, and this isn't a workout podcast, so I can't tell you what to do. But I've just been listening to a
lot of things with my perimenopausal body. I'm trying to learn how I can feel it better and move it better to help some of my hormones and my symptoms, because otherwise I'm going to punch a hole in the wall.
Okay, maybe are you having some Oh I was.
I'm sure to talk about that, I know, but I don't know that it's true any It's more like feels ragey, but it's I would call it more of it. Is it a sensation like a sore other than the actual because nobody's making me rage. My hormones are creating that potentially creating that. Now, sprints take that. That's just part of my regimen. Okay, Like it's one. It's like we're gonna look at it as like this is a recipe, and how I'm eating and how I'm working out and
how I'm resting and all plays role. All of that is going to play a role. So I've been sprinting for just thirty seconds, but how many are you doing? One thirty second sprint in the movie five? That's it? Do you like do thirty seconds and rest for a minute than thirty seconds? What do you do? Yeah? You rest for a minute and a half, a minute and a half to two. Yeah. And I'm also taking this from a doctor that I heard, so I that's why I'm hesitant to say exactly because I don't know. Maybe
it's not something you should go do. I don't even know really how my body is reacting to yet again, I'm sore, but I do feel energized from it, and I feel strong, Okay. I mean I had the treadmill at ten point oh, which is fast fad, and now at first I did nine point zero and I was like, I think I can go to ten point oh. That's probably pushing it, which is why I'm sore. You also were a runner was twenty five years ago. I don't so wear. I don't like running. And that's the point.
I think what I'm trying to do is push myself cardiovascularly or shock my system to where also my body's like, oh, hey, we want to build this up. Let's build some endurance, let's build strength, and then hopefully that helps all the other things in my body when it starts to freak out from hormones, it's like, hey, we got this. We're not scared of a little shock to the system. We can handle this. You don't have to punch a hole in the wall. We've got you well.
And that's a more gentle shock to your system than a lot of things that I think people might think to do five sprints like you.
Can five thirty seconds past, but it doesn't. Your sprint doesn't have to be ten. No, it doesn't. I just probably over yours myself. But that's one of the things that I'm doing for myself, including well, one more thing I'll say in part of that, which I think is the energy piece too, is as I'm starting to have protein coffee, which isn't anything crazy. I'm just putting two tablespoons of way protein in my coffee. I'm still having food around it, but my face is drink coffee plain. Well,
my face is like, is it unflavored? Yeah?
Okay, I'm thinking you're putting like chocolate protein powders. Well that could be yummy, you think, yeah, it'd be thick, right.
No, you you mix it up, it'd be real good. But this is just a way I'm lacking in protein. Yeah, And I've had multiple doctors tell me, especially being a woman in my forties, that away protein is what I need. And I always avoided way because I was trying to avoid dairy. But it's not the same thing. And also I don't need to avoid dairy. It was just a trend at some point that I took part in. But I've when you're growing, I'm growing and I don't need
to be scared of certain things. But now it's just like a oh, this is a little way for me to get some extra protein. But I do feel more energized from it. I think because I'm getting more of what my body needs, you're getting more energy, which is nutriance. It is, and I think I'd be proud of me because I also did my homework. Not that you assigned this to me, but I felt like when I was looking it up and researching it, I'm like, cow be proud.
I chose our feeling of the day, which is energized, and I found the gift and the impairment.
Oh so you gave yourself a homework assignment and you did it, but I felt like it was from you, Okay.
Yeah, Subconsciously I was like, you better find this.
Yeah.
I was like, cat's going to be proud because you just want to make you proud. Okay. So the gift of being energized, when you acknowledge it, it's a spark. It's your body and mind saying let's go. When you lean into it, you build momentum, you take inspired action, you create, you move, you speak up and follow through. Most of the time, right, it's often a window of motivation. So it's like, feeling energized is the door and take advantage window, and it's open, so you got to go
in or you can stay on the other side. But then that'll lead you to the impairment, which I'll tell you about, and it's not good. When you ride that wave, you surprise yourself with what you're capable of. You'll go from a nine point zero to a ten point Oh oh my gosh, just like that. Now, if you suppress an energized window of opportunity, this is the impairment. If you don't honor that energy, it can turn inward into restlessness, agitation,
or even anxiety. That buzzing feeling needs somewhere to go, And if you silence it for too long, you might start feeling stuck or numb, like you're dragging through life with the brakes on.
Oo.
So don't don't miss out. If you fill a window, go, yeah, take advantage, go for it. Yeah. So, I don't know if.
You've mentioned this when I don't remember when we were talking about what we're going to do fear because the first time we recorded, we talked about this.
Last week we had to delete the episode and start over. We'd had shared that I had hurt her. That's not the way we're gonna put it. You felt hurt by me? No, okay, sorry, because hurt because of something I was saying. You felt hurt.
Wait, let me give you a framework for this, because I think this can be helpful. It's true when blank happened, I felt hurt. So when you said this is not a therapy podcast, I felt hurt. So here's the event and then I'm taking responsibility for the feeling.
I love this framework because this actually is like a
script you can use for your relationship. And I obviously know the script, but I have a hard time even acting it out because it can be a game changer in your marriage, your your partnership, a friendship, your relationship with your kids, because oh my gosh, as parents, if we could teach our kids to communicate this way and they would just grow up knowing that, yeah, yeah, they would enter into all these healthy relationships in their twenties.
Do you know the script? Do want me to say it? Okay, I want you to give the thing again because you said so, just gave it the frame. I love therapy words. I love that this is a therapy podcast. I love it. I love it because the framework is so good and that way people can like have the script, so it's like, obviously I need you to do it because I even
struggle with it. But you know, with me with scripts, because I had scripts with some stuff going on with my kids, like their therapists would give me scripts, and I would always be so scared I was going to mess it up. Like sometimes I would be in the middle of a whole thing with them and I my son in particular, and I'd be like, one second, I will be right back, and I would go to my bedroom and I would look up at the email and look at the script that therapists gave me, and I'd
write it down. I put it in my back pocket because in the moment, I didn't want to mess it up, because it's like the slight alteration of how you say it changes everything.
Yeah, and I with any of this stuff, the more you use it it will be so where you don't have to like read something.
I've used these a lot, and I still forget themselves.
So this one, and there's probably a lot of versions of this that are basically the same. When you blank or when blank happened? Blank is the event when blank, I felt blank, what it brought up for me is blank. Or you can say the judgment I had was blank. And then if you want to take it a step farther, you can say what I need from you is blank.
And then if you're really trying to have some intentional dialogue you might have that person you might say, at the end, can you tell me what you heard me say? So then they'll repeat it and if they got it wrong, then I can make okay, let me try again until you actually hear what I'm saying. So a lot of times we're listening and we're hearing judgments too, so we're not actually hearing the actual words. So when you said
this was not a therapy podcast, I felt hurt. The story I made up was that you you thought I was stupid or didn't want me to talk too.
Much, or I judgment I didn't value you.
Yes, yeah, And then what I need from you is a conversation about kind of the rules we have on this podcast.
And I need you to change it to a therapy one. I just couldn't say that, but I did. I woke up with that epiphany of like it is okay, Kat is a therapist, and we are rolling with this niche and our nichees feelings and feelings.
Are and now look how energized you are about it on the therapy podcast.
Here we are okay. So we had a delete the first episode because I was saying over and over this is not a therapy podcast. We had to delete it. I guess where you were. Where you were going with this is that we also had to delete the second episode but not because if something anybody said or did that hurt anybody or made anybody actually really good uncomfortable. It was really good. It was really good, and I honestly thought we could salvage it. But the yard people came.
So I do have a company that comes to mow my front and backyard, and we're kind of at a side of the house where you can hear things front yard, backyard, and sideyard. So there was a lot of mowing happening, and we were recording on a day that we don't normally record because I had asked them, please do not come on this day because this is our recording day. Will we had to record on a different day, and I forgot to tell them, So then all of a sudden,
it's like bo and Cat's not really hearing it. I hear it the whole time. I'm thinking, but you weren't bothered by it, or you were like, oh, it's fine, this is not a thing, or maybe it won't pick up because that's what happens at your office every day. So one I was like, this is really good. I don't want to ruin this.
And I thought maybe since you weren't saying anything, it won't pick up. But also I am so used to a weed whacker being outside of the door of my office, because my office is the front of the house that our office is in, like my actual offices. And they'll come and I'll be just sitting there with a client and I'll be can you.
Say it a little louder? And I'll.
Scream mean, and I'm like, this is the most un therapeutic room there is. However, I've tried to reframe it as it's good exposure therapy. In some way, I don't like it, but I'm like, oh, I can roll with this, like who cares, I can like stay in tune with you.
But I thought you thought that too, because you'd say a thing. Yeah No, I was thinking the whole time this episode is going in the trash but maybe not, maybe not, maybe not, And then afterwards I was like, yeah, it's People would be like, fine, I can't. There's like you say it a little hour is a huge lawnmower, And I'm picturing like being one of Cat's clients and being like if I was doing brain spotting with you or something and there was a lawnmower, I'd be like, can I get a discount.
Literally, and I would say, yes, I'm sorry, Yeah, I have Actually good for you for asking want people to come at an appropriate time or a time that would work, because I've asked so many times for our property manager to let me know when they're coming. Not sure, sure, of course, yes, that makes sense. Guess how many times they have actually done that?
Zero? Zero times. Yeah, so there's no follow through. That's unfortunate. So that's our that's our Episode two got deleted as well. Story. So we're on a roll here. I hope from here on now, everything we record is usable because we're treating the show like it's live. We're doing it live. We're doing it live, which is why I just rolled with it, I know, and I didn't want to. Like, we did have momentum and we were telling good stories, which actually, now,
don't you think about it? Isn't it so glad? The yard people coming? This just hit me because we talked about the boyfriend stuff and that all after I talk to him. I need to wait. Also, I have to point out you, did you notice what you just said? Boyfriend said, isn't it so glad? And we talked last week?
We talked last week on the episode that we can't use about Glad, and you talked about I'm going to use that word more.
Yeah, well now I already use it a lot, but we're not talking about Glad today because Glad is with Fear and that will be when the boyfriend conversation happened. That is crazy, but it worked out.
But okay, so there's that I want to hear about what you're going to text me about the con artist.
So last week Kat gave me a little face fitness checklist. I had to answer yes or no to some questions that she had and ultimately you determined that it wasn't a scam or whatever. Well, then this is the email that I got between now and then, which also, this didn't make it into the trash second episode, so this is meant to happen, meant to be. So this is a perfect example of like when things go wrong, eventually
you'll be like, oh, what does this make possible? Because it makes possible that now we get to update this closer to the face fitness scam situation. And I get an email and the subject is deadline. Your gift expires tonight all caps. And then she said, hey, Amy, this is the closest thing there is to working one on
one with me. There's going to be a problem, Maria class every month if you sign up for this once in a lifetime opportunity to be a monthly it says once in a lifetime, once in a lifetime opportunity for like I have to be a monthly subscriber. She said, this is invaluable. This really takes your biggest insecurities and eliminates them one at a time. When you join today,
you'll get a fifty three minute advanced facelifting routine. In your members area, you'll also find a fourteen minute miracle routine. It's actually a bit Z Day routine, but members started calling it a miracle routine, so that's stuck. There's another one called the Holy Grail routine. I mean you can tell I'm already sold where I'm like the Holy Grail? Like, how are you me at miracle? I like, where do the fifty three minute one? I'm not interested in again
because time. Yeah, some of the stuff is so crazy time wise, but this is part of her gift that she's in Bold. The women in the group have been going crazy about it.
M hm.
Then this is where I was like oh Kat with her scam questions, because this I would have to admit to, she says. The first month is on me. Here she is with like the gift, She goes, that's right, I'm giving you a free month as a gift, and then she attached the link. So it's a thirty day free trial. Another special link. It'll be ninety nine dollars a month, but today zero dollars for the first month, and then after the free trial you can pay until you choose
to camp. So here's what I did. You want to know.
I was going to say, you did you sign up? I signed up because you think you're going to cancel it, and.
I sent myself an email, don't forget you signed up for this. Make sure to cancel it within thirty days from now. So I'm gonna I'm not going to pay for this, but you bet I got the Holy Grail routine and I got the miracle, and so I have everything. I haven't done it yet, but once I do it, I will let you know if it's worth it. And then if I become a monthly member. But I've I've emailed myself a reminder to cancel. Okay, can you also
email me that because you want to check in. But I mean, this is where I'm like, I get that you probably think all of these keywords are very scammy, and they are. I know this now because you're aware. I'm aware. So can you get scammed if you're aware? That is an interesting question for you just to knit about. I'm choosing to be scammed, right, I am choosing to give zero dollars for thirty days to test this stuff out, and then I will let y'all know. And you know what,
then I'm like, you're scamming the scammer. Scamming the scammer, because I'm going to take this routine and I'm going to put my own spin on it, and then I'm just going to show y'all how to do it. For forget instaram except for I don't know everything that she knows. I know, I'm just kidding. I'm not going to do that. I do appreciate her work and she's clearly put a lot of time into this, But also is what she's saying legit or she' like cool? I gotta go film
a fifty three minute video of basically nothing. I'm just misoging certain parts acting like I know what I'm talking about, and I'm charging an arm and a leg for it, Like, is that what she's doing if she's a scammer? There are so many people that do that though, but I don't understand that, So why would they do that to me? Because there are people like you? Then I'm like, I'll sign up.
But that's so funny because that email goes like I was laughing as you started reading it, because it starts already like I'm thinking about the check cliss.
And it's like boom boom, boom boom invaluable act. Now nothing else is as good as this for me. Yes, this is the closest thing you'll get to one on one and again I am everything. And again, we don't even know her credentials. No, I don't even know where she is in the world. We don't know if she's a robot. Right, So she does have great skin, like people accuse her of having I see her on a video though her having good skin.
Come on, okay, I will say people, if you think our skin is good, it's because you're actually seeing real skin.
We didn't edit it, but you could do that, okay, because I guess with certain lighting. Yes, she can look better, but she doesn't. She'll get what I'm saying is people accused her of botox. But then she'll get close up in the camera and she'll show her forehead moving, so she says, I don't have botox. Okay, whatever, moving on, I'm done. What are our feelings? We're gonna start with sad like you like, I'm sorry to feel sad now because you are feeling of the day. Well, last thing
I'll say, No, No, feeling of the day is energized. These are our core feelings. If this thing brings you joy and you are aware of it, I don't.
Care if you do it. It's now just kind of silly and funny. But if she does end up scamming you and you lose thousands of dollars, you might have sense you might forget to cancel the subscription.
No, I emailed myself and I an e duh, Like, I don't forget to do anything like that. What are you talking about? I probably have, Like I probably have thousands of emails to myself and thousands of screenshots of things that I will remember quote unquote to go do it, and I don't. All right, So it's yeah, So sad.
Sad, let's talk about sad because it would be sad if you missed that email reminder. Okay, So when we went through these last time, we talked about how they all have a core need which can also be expanded to what we're saying. And then if you feel sadness, you're going to end up getting a gift in that even though it doesn't feel good in the moment. And if you repress or ignore sadness, there's an impairment that's with every feeling.
So we're going to talk about those. Are you ready. I'm ready. Okay, I sound sad a lot. Okay, well we'll talk about that.
Yeah, okay, Well we all have and and I'm glad you said that because a lot of people want to, you know, send a message, whether it's to themselves or the world, that I don't get sad or I don't get down, or I don't feel that feeling. And that's not really when you get into this stuff a flex because if you aren't feeling sadness, you're not getting one of these gifts. That's imperative to live I think, a
full life. So the need, the core need, would be to grieve something or to be comforted, to be seen to be soothed, something like any and supported. Yeah, anything like that, which support to acknowledge our need for support and comfort is also acknowledging our need for other people so.
Out, which you said something in last week's couch Talks that feels in alignment with that. Even though we were talking about sharing or over sharing on a first date, but you started off, and I think you even made this a social clip, So that's probably why it's in my mind, just because I watched it over and over and over, just a me shout out Feeling Things podcast
on Instagram. But I did watch the clip. I think probably I was posting it my stories, and you know, it replays while you're typing, and I just kept hearing your voice over and over. But you said, I'm a big fan of allowing people to know how to be there for you or to know how to show up and support you, and so sharing things is important to an extent. I mean, maybe not on a first date. You don't have to let everybody in. But sometimes as friends we don't want to burden people or share too much.
It's like, oh, they have a lot going on. But then you rob them of the opportunity of being there for you.
Yeah, and you don't get as in the other person, Or I could say this for myself, like I don't get to decide what's a burden for other people, So I don't get to decide what's.
A burden for my friends. You get to decide that.
But if I never share stuff with you, then I'm assuming that it is when it might not even be a burden. It would be a gift to you as a friend. Yeah, So that would be kind of around what the need would be.
Now, if you don't feel sad and you.
Push it away and you're unaware of it, what's going to happen is you're going to look over time, You're going to have this like self pity. Whether you share that with people or not, you're gonna that's going to be there, and you end up showing up in this more victimy mindset where things are being done to you and you have no control at all, And we don't have control of everything, but there are things that we do have power over and we don't really we don't
want to get there. If you are aware of your sadness, while that and I stress, while feeling. The sadness probably is not going to be a fun experience or a comfortable experience. What it helps you have and what helps you breed is gratitude, because sadness is saying I lost something that was really important to me, and so we get to acknowledge what was really important to us versus I'm not sad, it's fine, whatever, I didn't care. Like, wait a second, what is important to you deserves to
be acknowledged, that's okay. So that shows up in a lot of ways. I think when we get rejected. There's some things that I think are easier to be sad about being rejected, but there's others depending on who you are where you're like, your pride takes over and you're like, oh,
no big deal. And a lot of times, like jobs, or if you put yourself up for something like a promotion or even an award or something like that, you put yourself out there and starting a podcast, like if we didn't, if nobody listened to it, now, I would feel sad because this was important to us and it was something that we put a lot of time in and a lot of people don't want.
To say I was let down sad and yeah, set by that I got passed over for something and you're talking about like a work related thing, and I immediately took on the oh, well it wasn't really that big of a deal. But I know that I was stuffing it down and I think I probably get have healed from it a lot faster if I just was like, oh, I really wanted that that that was hard to hear, and like I'm going to be okay, and I want to give myself space before I jump in with the well,
what does this now make possible? Yeah? My daughter told me I asked that question too quickly. Well, I don't, said tell you. Yeah, Adlin too, my niece. They both two younger people. They're like, because I want to immediately come in. I think as parents or aunts or friends, we may want to come in and try to fix something if someone is feeling sad, not fix it, but just help them feel better. And what does this make possible? Is a great question you get to ask ask yourself,
but don't ask it too quickly. Maybe yeah, because then you're not allowing to sit in the sadness.
Well, if you remember when shout out Donald Miller when we had that interview a couple of years ago with him. The reason he gave us those questions is we asked him he was talking about his book Here on a Mission, great book, great book, and it was speaking of victims. Well, yeah, so it's all about how to be the hero in your own story. And we were asking him, well, when something happens in your life that you are really down about, what do you do to not stay in that moment?
And those are the questions he gave us, And so this is perfect. Those questions are perfect to bring into your sadness. We have to acknowledge that there's sadness there, and then we get to ask the question first. Then just ask the question. Then we're missing part of that. Yes, and what does this make possible?
I'm glad you clarified that, But I think as up as a mom, So I'm sharing this to other parents. We may swoop in right away as our teen is processing and we're like, okay, well what does this now make possible? And then they just look at you like okay, cool, I love you and your fancy questions that are supposed to help me, but like, let me just be. And so that's just my encouragement on that.
Would part of that for you be it's hard for you to see your kids when they're Yeah, I.
Want her to be sad, but this is a good reminder that sadness is good. Like we want sadness, yeah, because then if we experience the sadness, we can experience gratitude. And I have no idea if the doorbell that just rain is popping up on the podcast here, but we have been putting a note on my front door that says do not ring the doorbell or knock because we're recording. I don't think we put recording because that sounds weird, but I think we just say we should put baby sleeping shuck.
I do have a sign my door in my office that says, do not knock on this door, but I guess I should say, do not use your.
What is it called a wind blower.
Yeah, but it's not a weed whacker because it's on the it's blowing leaves.
A leaf blower. Yeah, don't be sad, be kind, blow leaves elsewhere. So who knows if that even shut up, But it's an example for rolling with it. Things happen. We're breezy, We're breezy. It's not going to make me sad, no, or mad or angry for any other emotions. I actually feel fine. I feel fine, So well that's not one. No, Actually, I no, really, I feel I.
Feel joy and excitement because I'm like, did you get a package?
I wonder what it is? Oh, I love where you reframed that. Thank you for that because I was kind of feeling mad at myself for not putting up the sign.
Oh well, that's perfect because we're about to talk about anger. Okay, are you ready to do you want to talk about sadness more?
Are you ready? No? I think I want to talk about how being sad. You may be touched on this, but it's not weakness. And I know we have men that are listening, and I think sometimes they have to be, you know, the man of the house or hold it together for maybe the women in their life, and that's part of maybe how they were brought up. I think
we're phasing out of that. It was just I'm making a generalization, but I think in a lot of my marriage for seventeen years, I don't it'd be for him to talk about, but my experience with him is that he didn't have a lot of room for sadness because he needed to be more to get like he's drossed a lot of sadness. Yes, like it could be seen as weak to be sad.
Well, when this is a whole other topic that I think would there'd be so much good conversation in. But historically men aren't couldn't be weak because they were protectors and they still can be protectors. But we don't have the same threats now that maybe we did when we were hunters and gatherers, and so you've gotten used to playing these roles and now men have worked really hard
to push that away. And I have learned that part of helping, part of wanting men to have that space is us allowing it and encouraging it.
They're not going to do it automatically.
But I've noticed some things that have that I've thought about men in general, or that I've said to my husband or people that I'm dating, and it sends them the message of like, there isn't still room for that, So we have to invite that in for them.
Yeah, I'm going a space for it. I can share an example that I'm not proud of at all, Okay, but I learned from it. It's hard to even say because I'm mortified by myself. But it was in my marriage. My husband got out of the Air Force and I didn't realize how much of his identity was tied to that.
So he went to the Air Force Academy after high school, went to pilot training right after that, and then nine to eleven happened while he was at pilot training, so then immediately went into to war as a pilot in the Air Force. So much of his identity was I'm an Air Force. Not only that, his dad was a colonel in the Air Force, and since my accessmen was five years old, he's like, I'm going to be a
pilot in the Air Force. So this is I'm painting a picture that this was his identity, and when he got out, I only either of us realized how much it was going to impact him. And this happens to a lot of people that would leave a career like that. I'm sure there's it could be a firefighter, a policeman, maybe even not a first responder type stuff. It could
be any career. But when that becomes your identity and then you no longer have it and you're trying to find your way in the world, especially as a military person because now you're a s civilian, so sometimes some language, if you're not that's her, you may not understand. But that's like identically different world. It's just totally different. And
I didn't appreciate that. And I don't even think he realized how difficult the separation was going to be and how he saw himself, like his worthiness, his value, Like what now is he contributing to the world like yous, like I was contributing to making the world a safer place, a better place. Like he was passionate about the work he was doing. And not only that, he was special forces, Like there was just a lot of really cool things
about his job. Right. So, now that I've painted that picture, can you imagine if at some point along the way, now we had other tension in our relationship because of this, and there were some things that were happening because that were frustrating because of the separation, because he didn't know how to manage it. I don't think he knew how to be sad about it. And then to your point, which is what made me think of it, I don't
think I allowed space for it. Yeah, because even though I want men to be sad and have space to be sad. And I've matured a lot since this, Like we're going back to like twenty twelve with the story here. But I straight up looked at him one day and I was like, man up, and that is what I said. And that's Harry like a body like, don't say that. That's like the worst thing. I mean, I'm sure there's probably worse things I could say, but again, I will This is not an excuse, but I will say again
there was tension in our relationship. So I was frustrated and fed up and I said that, and honestly, I don't know that he was ever able to let that go. And that's not ultimately what led to us getting a divorce over ten years later, but it certainly didn't make things easier because then now he's like, Okay, my safe space, which is supposed to be my wife, I now I don't have permission to be sad here, and I wanted
him to be set. It's almost like we just didn't have the tools and we didn't know how to process together. But I should have been like, Hi, this is and you are struggling. How can I help? But honestly, with the other tension other things that are going on, I don't even know if I would If I would have said that that that would have been received and it would have worked. So I don't want to go shitt akutawuda, but I said that, and I'm not proud.
And that is you also, I think, because I appreciate where you're taking all your responsibility for that which you did it. So it's you're responsible for it, and we love the ans that is a part of you, that you were conditioned to treat men like that and to think of men like that. And so that's the work we do, is like we have to look at what do I think and what are these unconscious bias in our brains that don't.
Actually fit with how we really view people.
And this might I'm not trying to make you feel better, but I do want to relate to you in the sense that I did this two weeks ago, not ten years ago. And I also am a therapist. So my husband and I were in a fight and he maybe had a little tearfall maybe a couple and I looked at him and said, why are you crying?
Because there's so much emotion.
I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something along the lines of like, why are you crying?
I don't want you to cry about this. I want you to do something about it.
Excuse me, yea what That's not the type of human I want to be let alone, partner or wife. And so I say this as like I'm in it with you, guys, where I have to allow space for my husband to feel sad and let him know that that sadness is not a weakness that actually is going to bring us closer if I allow it to be. There has nothing to do with being able to take care of me, or being able to take care of a family, or
the work that you can or cannot do. That's a story we have built up in our head that no longer fits the reality.
So you're not alone, is what I'm saying. You're worse. I'm just kidding. You didn't left me land. You're a therapist, and well I'm just kidding, not going to get for advice anymore, joking. I will come to you for advice always. I love I love your advice well being a good admit I agree, and even though we know better, that's just great, A great example of even though I know better too, Who knows. One day I might be in a moment with my boyfriend and I'll be like, man up.
But then I'll be like, just kidding. What I meant to say is when you blank, I feel blank. Yeah, That's what I meant to say. So okay, So sad, being sad is not weak to like all two of our male listeners right now. Well, it's good for the women to also know that so they can share. It makes space for your husband or boyfriend or son to be sad. You know. It's a signal that something, something meaningful, has been lost, or something meaningful has changed. Yeah, so
I forgive my twenty twelve self. Do you forgive your two week ago self? Okay, good, all right, I gonna do better. So we're going to do better. What's our next emotion feeling? We're going to talk about anger. So I love talking about anger.
It is the easiest feeling other than gladness for me to feel, which I think a lot of people can probably relate to. It is what I call the justice emotion because when we are aware of this thing, it helps us activate passion, and it helps us activate knowing what's important to us. It helps us stand up for people, It helps us stand up for ourselves. It leads us into all of the directions of being like a strong, competent human with a sense of self.
I love it. It's an empowering emotion.
And we're going to talk about too, what anger is and what anger isn't because I think when I say anger, what's the image you have in your head?
Do that again or I don't know, I am am picturing me making a bowl of cereal and then smashing it on the ground. Not that I've ever done that. Yeah, okay, but I have. I get like this, so was my sister. Maybe it's hereditary, okay, throwing a dish. I've never thrown a dish. That I have a dish. I'm not saying at anybody, but like, have you ever just smashed something down?
I've slammed things. I slammed my door so many times as a child. My dad took it off the hinges.
Oh. He said, don't slam your door one more time, and I said, yes, I will. What are you going to do about it?
Slammed it and he took it off, and then I was like, I'll show you. So I put two little nails at the top of my doorframe and hung a sheet over it, and I was like.
I have a door.
And my parents love this story because I don't know how long I didn't have a door, but it was a long time. And my dad was like, I would have put your door on the next day, I was waiting for you to ask me so where I thought. I was like, I'll show you. I'll put this sheet up. He was like, you can have your doorback. Yeah.
I need to say something, but that's funny. So I slam.
I've slammed some things in my life, but I don't think i've ever broken or slammed a dishdown.
That sounds like it would feel kind of well try it. Yeah, Well, so why did you ask me what do I picture with anger? Because I mean I was picturing like some angry little like emoji thing I see like the red devil emoji in my head when I think about it.
Yeah, because that's what we told that's what we're taught. Anger is is this this like big, loud, bad, scary, it's fighting, It's all of that, when anger could be a million things that are actually very comfortable to be with.
But we're not shown that.
And the need around anger is usually some form of needing to be heard, whether it's I need to be heard or I need this people to know this thing about the.
World or this thing about this person.
Like I get angry when my friends are misunderstood, So it's not even that I need to be heard, it's like my friends need to be heard.
So that's usually the need.
And if we feel it, like I said, we have this empowerment, we again will get our passion.
It helps us create change in the world.
Now, if we ignore that anger, which is I think what a lot of people are taught, specifically women are, don't be angry, don't be angry, be grateful, be this, be that, hush, be quiet, don't say that full feathers, don't be loud, don't be How can you be a helper?
Yeah, be a helper without getting in the way of anything.
And when that happens, we end up becoming some form of like a and this is going to sound extreme, but like this depressed sense of self, so we remove parts of ourselves.
I see it as like sort of if you're this big, let's say we start out this big full blow up dollie. One time, my parents had this party and they had a blow up doll, and I don't know why kind of now that's what I'm picturing. They said these weird parties they had pool parties and naked pull parties, a naked blow up doll.
But I don't know, Wait, I wait, I think it's like a joke that you said they had naked pool parties.
Naked pool parties. Yes, yeah, I remember seeing my friends dad naked. Like I was looking through the backyard and I was like, oh, there's mister Tucker. He's naked. Yeah. They I don't know they were before my parents got divorced. Like, I don't think they were never wild, like swingers or anything, but it's just kind of they would have parties. Maybe they'd be drinking and then people would be like, let's say, Garcoles off all in the pool. I don't I don't
know that ever it was naked. I don't know. I just know I saw mister we'll call him mister t naked, and whenever I started to have this image of a blow up doll, I'm just inviting you into my brain. Yeah, so you're like, okay, you're sort of like part of you is depressed. And then I'm like, okay, the word that comes to mind for me is deflated. And so then I'm like, well, find this big blow up doll.
And then right when I think of me as a blow up doll, I'm like, oh, remember that naked blow up doll Mom and Dad had at that party, Like that's where my brain goes. So I'm just I'm letting you in. So then need to do some brain spotting around this. No, okay, No, it's fine, it's just that I need to ask my sister. Oh yeah. Also, in our living room, we had this little stuffed animal frog on the bookshelf next to the encyclopedias, and there's like
this vintage frog. If anybody else knows what I'm talking about, like you'll know, Like I think it was like a thing, this little vintage stuffed animal frog. It looks like a normal frog. But then when you pick it up, there's a big penis under the frog. Do you know what? But like that was in our living room next to
the encyclopedias. I don't know why. I think my parents are just you know, But then when my dad left, my mom got rid of the penis from well she found Jesus and yeah, I think a lot of things changed, but not I think, I know, Okay, a lot of things. I do want to say this, I'm laughing. That is not normal. What's not normal?
One to see your parents having naked parties? Well, two to have a penis frog in your living room.
Okay, I back it up. I had I had parents. What I'm saying is, I don't think they were like, hey, kids, we're gonna be outside naked. I think they had put us to bed, we were asleep. They were having neighbors over. We're calling it a party. But let's say if they have four couples over, right, so then they're like, let's go swim. And then I peek outside and see mister naked, and so now I'm calling it a naked pool party. What did the penis frog do? I don't know. I
need to look it up. Was it like a sex I wonder? No, it was the stuffed It had little beans inside, like it's a stuffed like a like a paperweight, but like a picture like a I didn't see it because I can't. Well, I bet if we google it, we'll find it online. And if it is available or
for sale on eBay if you're gonna buy thousands of adults. No, but I'm thinking like this is no. But I'm wondering if we should have kept it because I feel like it's probably something that could be worth a lot of money now because they're like this, Like if I hear something one day that's like we're selling a very rare
vintage stuffed frog and his penis at Sotheby's. The auction's starting at a million dollars, I'm gonna be like we had one of those, you know, like those weird things that they sell for a lot of money.
So I do want to say, Kat is here Cryokat, you're acting like you know what this is.
Oh you knew about Amy having this story? Your parents had it? Did your parents had to have a penis? Frug? Okay? Okay, okay, okay, okay. But but I mean, yeah, the cat's probably like I have parties like that. She's like, she's like that sounds like a good time.
I wish I was her neighbor.
Yes, Okay, So just to back it up, I guess I'm clarifying that I get that that's not normal, and I don't even know for you to know it. I think that's the difference. Your parents didn't know that you knew, right, And I don't think they were like, hey kids, look we just got a new blow up doll. But I think it was the way their personalities were in their friendships. It was like debauchery, sort of like just haha, like we're going over to Cliff and Judy's. That was my parents,
Like I'm showing up with a blow up doll. Yeah, and I'm going to put it on their couch and just see how long it takes them to notice. And so then there's this naked blop. So back to which if you think.
About your parents being like our age, like that would be kind of like a funny prank somebody.
Would do, right, I get it, okay, So that we've taken him a little detour down memory lane, what I was picturing is me as.
A doll, a blow up doll with fully closed and like I've got the little part where the air goes in and it's like slightly open, and then every time you suppress this, it's like psh, a little more air goes out, and then you do it again and psh, a little more air goes out until eventually you're like unrecognizable. M Yeah, that's actually a really good metaphor.
You're welcome and the anytime, and it gave us a really fun story. But on the other side too, with that blow up metaphor, you can also think about like me trying to hold in my anger.
It takes a lot of energy and so it can all.
You can also use metaphor of taking a beach ball and putting it underwater and I can only hold it for so long, so when it does come out, it's gonna come out in this crazy exaggerated way, which is a lot of times what happens. And that's what people think. I think a lot of times when they see anger, they see that beach ball blowing up out of the water, versus what actually was going on in that actual shade of anger. That is not people see. I think anger
is like rage a lot of times. And one of my friends used a couple years ago the metaphor of like Jesus was one of the angriest people in the world on Earth ever, and he walked around everywhere he went being like looking perfect.
He was hit so much anger. It's how you show it. Yeah, well, I mean you said it can be such a thing for justice, and yeah, so that makes sense. And if when you brought up shades, it made me want to go look at our feelings, wheel to look at the different shades of anger and share some of those bitter irritation, discuss jealous us, did critical, contempt, frustration, annoyance, resentful and also passion.
Which I have learned to lean into that because I think for me, I used to I used to tell myself a story that a lot of that justice and passion was like annoying or too much or overwhelming. If you ask Patrick his favorite thing about me, he says, your passion. When he first told me that, I was like, you're just trying to be nice.
Stop gassing me up. Yeah, And he's like, no, it's your passion.
And when I do get kind of fiery, he's like, this is I love how much you care about things. And also if I didn't allow myself to care about things, I don't know that I would be doing what I do.
Oh, I definitely don't think it would be.
So allow yourself to acknowledge your anger, so you can acknowledge the stuff that really matters to you and it actually helps you lead, I think, a more meaningful life.
I want to get to an example of anger with your partner because I think that could be relatable, like if your partner is picking at you and joking at you, like.
Making little like fun. This actually happened a couple years ago. We were with Patrick's family on family vacation. It's the first time I met them, and we were playing cards and I had to use the restroom. So I got up to go use the restroom and it was a glass door, and somebody had opened one side of the door and then locked the other side.
Well I didn't see that, and it was glass.
So I walked with like some excitement and some pep in my step to go to the restroom. And I went to Patrick's new girl and I'm like, you guys love me, and I'm so fun.
I'll be right back.
And then I walked into the door and was like pressing on it and pressing on it and pressing on it. And then I was like oh, and then I just walked through the other door. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, Like, yeah, that was locked,
No big deal. When I got back, they all were laughing so hard, and it felt like I don't think they meant anything of it, and I don't think they were like talking about me the whole time I was gone, but they kept making comments about it, and Patrick kept making comments about it, and I had to say, hey, I can take a joke, but when you do it this many times, it's a little frustrating, like I want I want to move on. I don't want this to all be focused on me. So I can take a joke,
but it's getting a little bit much. If I didn't do that, I'm sure I would have been so passive aggressive to Patrick. I would have probably given them the silent treatment. I would have probably been like, I'm going to bed like I just have a headache, but I'm going to bed like I probably was. I would That's how it would show up. And we do that all the time. It's the whole idea of it's not the trash, we're talking about it something else, right.
I know that with suppressed frustration or anger, a lot of times with the passive aggressiveness is sarcasm, or you can start to say things like you know that you really want to say, but you say it with sarcasms. So that's another way we can pay attention to maybe what's going on, like, because sometimes I just can't put my finger on it, or I don't even know that
I'm suppressing it. But then if I have like a quick sarcastic reaction to something and I say it, that might be an indicator to me of like, oh, something, I was sort of just joking with that, But I don't think I'm joking. I think that this is actually bothering me. So I've been using that as a way to sort of gauge how I'm really feeling. Because then it's also easy for me to want to write it
off and be like, oh, it's just joking. If they're like, hey, that kind of was is everything okay, I'm like, well, I was just joking. But that's another sign to me of like, okay, well was I just joking? Or am I really frustrated or annoyed by this? Is there something you care about? Yeah? But do you do you understand saying of like sometimes I don't know what that is, But then I'll have a behavior that's like oh, where did that? I don't wake up to it, that's it.
It wakes me up because it's like it just comes out in sarcasm, and there's space for sarcasm. There's healthy sarcasm, Like yeah, like you can be sarcastic. Sarcasm is great. I love sarcasm, but it's sort of like when my own sarcasm surprises me when I'm like, where did that come from? That was a little feisty.
I think a lot of us because and again this is more towards women, but I think men can do this too. But if we're taught that we have to be nice and kind, and we're taught that we can't ask for our needs, and we're taught that to be quiet or don't be angry any of that, we're gonna find these other ways to like get that out. And that is a like it almost is like a loophole
to your anger. It's like, well, I have a need that needs to be met, but like I can't go go directly there, so I'm gonna go this way.
So it's this unconscious loophole that we've created.
And the way to undo that is like what you're saying, when you do it, you can't help it at first, but like when you do it, acknowledge it, take a step back and say that's not really who I want to be in I don't want to show up that way. I need to reflect, and it's okay to not have the answers too. A lot of times when I'm in conflict, I will have to say, hey, I want you to know that I'm not stonewalling you, which is ignoring somebody or trying to be difficult or ignoring what you're saying.
But I need a second to process this. So it's okay.
I think when we get in our feelings, it feels a lot of times like there's a rush to do or say or figure out what the need is.
It's okay to take time with all of it. My son was a beautiful example of that. The other night. We were having a moment because of homework, and he was able to say to me, Mom, I need a minute because I went and I sat back down and I'm like, okay, let's try this again, and he said not yet. I need a moment. And I said, well,
let's like, will you forgive me? And he was able to say, in his own words, still processing, so give him space, And so I had to completely walk away and give him the opportunity to work through whatever he needed to work through to then move forward with me. And I was like, this is just a good example of like it's always okay, no matter the circumstance, to take space and time.
I wish that I had that language as a kid doing math homework with my dad because I wasn't saying I need a minute.
I was crying, Yeah, does your dad want to come over and help stevensimm with math because it'd be great.
Well, he's pretty good at it, but I don't know if you wanted to. Well, Stevenson has better skills than I had, so.
Maybe he'll tell your dad like, hey, whoa, we both need to take five. Next thing, I know, like I come home and like Stevenson's doors off his hinges and I'm like, what happened? Your dad is like, don't worry. Took care of things. He's not going to be a problem for you anymore. Oh my god.
Well, the reason we would always fight his kids with my dad doing math and work is because my dad I would show us how to do it, and I'd be like, but I have to show my work and that's not how the teacher taught me to do it.
And he's like it doesn't matter. I got you the right answer. So he would get frustrated and I'm like, but dad, we have to do the steps. And I was a perfectionist, and he was like.
What does it matter? I got you the right answer. So then the doors were off the hinges, and you know that's just it was sob now right away.
So in a nutshell for anger, anger is not bad. Anger is your friend. It's so helpful. So helpful doesn't mean you get to be all feeling anger excuse to be mean. Well, I know, but if you channel it or if you suppress it, you may be that beach ball out of the water. And you don't want to be that. You want to be just like an normal blow.
Up doll'inflated, perfectly inflated blow up doll, just the right you know.
Okay, So there stopping point. Don't forget you toobe us up. We are Feeling Things podcast subscribe like follow whatever, all the things Instagram, and then email email, Oh we need your emails, which we're getting a lot. They are so great. We haven't even able to get through all of the emails. So it's so great to already have couch talks Q and A emails from y'all, but we'll we'll always take more. So, hey, they're at Feeling Things podcasts dot com is the email address.
And yeah, we just hope that you have the day you need to have. Is that how we want to do it? Or are we going to say it together? That's so hard. Try want you to. I'm doing improv and all of that is also too about reading each other. So you just need to have a really good eye contact and we'll be able to do it together. Okay, And Cat and I just hope that you have the day you need to have. That's that good? Yeay one more time because with good I it's like I'm going
to really dial into you. Okay, Okay it might. Cat and I both okay, Cat, Okay, Cat and I both hope you have the day you need to have. Bye.
Bye,