24: Emotional Intelligence with Margaret Boersma

way you connect with others. She also invites you my listeners to talk with her further in lunch and learns, if you know how critical emotional intelligence is to a thriving workplace environment, but don't know quite where to start. This episode is just for you. Good morning, Margaret. How are you today?

and people are bystanders. And you can see it on the news all the time. So throughout my life, I did a lot of extra study, I had a life coach. And I've done a lot of work inside schools and with teachers in particular on how to curb the bullying. And we don't call it that anymore. But we now call it in the school setting, we call it social and emotional learning. And in the workplace setting, your listeners might be used to

emotional intelligence. And I just have the real passion to make the world a better place by by providing trainings, inside workplace settings, inside school settings is in any setting really in society, to raise that emotional awareness, and what we can do proactively because really, there are proactive strategies that we can do to prevent the situation so we don't have to be reactive in our response.

than knowing how to do algebra when you get into the corporate workplace?

always on teams. So how do you how do you get along on teams? And how do you proactively have a common understanding of what's expected when you're working inside the team dynamics so that you forward the intention of the team, and you do it with synergy, a sense of synergy, and that's hard to come by? And when you have the weak link, or many weaklings, then that impacts the overall accomplishment of strategic goals in your company, for example, which costs a lot

of money. So that is key and I don't think it needs to be us. subject at school, I think it needs to be integrated with everything we do in school. Sure. Yeah.

complicated. So in I'll use an example today that will really show the complications and help you help the listener to understand some examples in their workplace and how they might be able to manage them. But really, it requires more work than just a little podcast. Sure, of course, and I can help them with that. Should they be interested? Great. Yeah. So if you if you like, I can start with I have a little assessment, a self assessment. Without work? Yeah,

tools that they have. No, a lot of us are into blaming the government for not doing or doing or whatever, right. And we let that impact our emotional well being. And that is within our control. So I'll talk more about that, after we do this little self assessment, but this little self assessment is about having teams. Just Just look at it as which state you might be in, I'm going to read some states that I've created, I've named these states and their symptoms inside each state that

you'd be able to relate to. So just overall, what state do you think you're in? Alright, so we're measuring actually, the leadership cultural impact based on the productivity of the team, the team is 100% productive, that's when the company is running optimally. So I invite you to think about your team that you lead or in which you're currently a member. And we have four different states. As I read the symptom, select the state of your team on the productivity

potential scale. So the first state is a state I call dysfunction. And dysfunction means there's a very low potential for productivity. You know, you're in this state when your team members remain quiet. When discussion is invited. And gossip happens outside of meetings. Team members ignore the unspoken issue in the room, causing stress and disharmony. There is an increase in negative feedback, resulting in lack of trust and decrease energy. And decisions are made unilaterally.

So basically, team members lack buy in, they lack accountability, and they're not productive. The second state is a state I call struggle. Struggle means there is some potential for productivity. You know, you're in this state, when your team members complain about others have excuses for behaviors and blame circumstances. They do what is critical, but no more. teams do not proactively implement strategies to manage stress. And they're not achieving strategic

long term goals. contributions that are contrarian, tend to be shut down, causing members not to feel known, hear and understood by leaders and members seek direction rather than take responsibility. So basically, in the state of struggle, team members do the minimum required, and that sometimes takes nudging. The third state is a state I called traction. Traction means there's a mediocre potential for

productivity. You know, you're in this state when your team members take responsibility for getting the work done in a reasonable amount of time. They're accountable to each other member years have implemented new problems style solving strategies to manage stress, resulting in a decrease of stress over time. There's a culture of hard work, and each person does their own thing. So that's the mindset, there's still not synergy in the group.

Problem solving happens top down with very little member input. timelines for strategic goals often need to be extended. And there's reduced absenteeism from the first two states, and increased retention. So basically, things are manageable, stress levels are mostly contained, people are coping and things are tolerable. Then there's a big gap. And in that gap, is where I can support people. The final state is a state I call thriving, thriving means there's full potential for

productivity and synergy. You know, you're in this state when your team members work as a tight knit community and experienced synergy while working on strategic goals. They plan strategic goals collaboratively, and are executing effectively in a timely manner. They exceed expectations for growth over time. There's a culture that encourages vulnerability and honest conversation. members know each ideas respected and considered in order to reach a

common view. They have a mindset of staying relevant, fresh and creative. Members express themselves freely inside a new model of communication. And referrals from happy clients are abundant. So basically, there's a real sense of team having each other's back and moving the company goals forward. real synergy is at play inside an environment of emotional safety. So I think by now people have had an opportunity to decide which category they might be in. Where do you think most people

might fall? Do you have a guest?

you? Is it dysfunction?

struggle. But like I said, you know, there are different times of the year that you might see your state changing, right? And in the same company even. So, yeah, so But it's interesting to know that it is possible to get to the thriving state is just it takes some know how it takes some skill and intentionality in, in EQ, emotional intelligence, right. So I have an interesting quote here. Would you like me to read it, please.

So this is, this is reflecting on the importance of social and emotional learning in the workplace, or E I, as you'd probably call it that. So emotional intelligence is the ability to sense understand and effectively apply the power and acumen of emotions as a source of human energy, information, connection and influence. So Robert K. Cooper, is a neuroscientist and he said that in the New York, he's a New York Times best selling author and high performance, strategic

business and life coach. So the way I like to the way I like to look at this type of learning, which are professional growth, is it's kind of like the waves on on the ocean. If you're standing at the shore, and you see the waves coming in. There's maybe a big wave in the background. And there's a lot of smaller waves in in the front, and at the crest of each of

those smaller waves. You can see them as an invitation to discover So if you get hooked, for example, or you get, sometimes we call it triggered or activated, right? That might be a small wave might not be a great big one. But it's an invitation to discover what is there for you to learn. So if somebody says something off handed to you, and you take it personally, that is the crest of a wave presenting itself to you.

And instead of becoming defensive or blaming another person, you can say, What am I supposed to learn from this? Why is this activating me so much? And usually that activation is much bigger than the actual situation calls for. And when you when you take some distance, you realize that oh, my I was really, that's your opportunity to discover why am I reacting

like that. And usually, it has to do with something in your past, often in your childhood, because because we, we start, we adapt kind of colored lenses, when we're children, usually something happens around age four, or five, where we feel like we've lost control. And it's usually in the family standing, because that's where we are then. But that's when we make a decision about ourselves and often about the world around us. And because we're so egocentric, at that age, we

blame ourselves. So you know, children whose parents have have left the family or there's a divorce or separation, they might think to themselves and put these these colored lenses on like, I am not lovable. Right, and then we go through life, looking for evidence that we're not lovable. So when somebody says something to us that reminds us of that we have a bigger reaction than then we need to for that particular situation. Sure. So that makes

total sense, right? And we all walk around with different colored lenses. So when we want to de escalate somebody or calm somebody else down, we need to be willing to remove our own lenses, and get behind the lenses of the other person. And see things from their perspective with with the idea that they're doing the best they can in life. Sure. And there's a strategy for that which I can teach you. Your listeners play. Yeah. Okay. So I'm gonna give you an example before I approach

this strategy, okay. So I'm on to this is an example that that could be perceived as complicated, but human relations are are complicated, and we can break it down. So that it's simple. So I'm going to share the example and then I'll break it down afterwards. expectations in human relationships can often be very high. And they can often be unspoken. undeclared, right? So a subcommittee has been formed with the intention of problem solving a particular

purpose. And after getting together for a while, we, I'm on the subcommittee, I'm spearheading it, we neglect to read the intention, assuming that we all know it, because the intention was so clear. And for so long, we started every meeting reading the intention so that there was no misunderstanding, then we we didn't do that anymore. Well, recently, someone stated that they're dissatisfied with the

way things are run. And that person experiences a sense of tension inside the meetings, the tension to get through the agenda, so that we can get off the call. However, what is stated through a text, not the best way to communicate these things, is that we tend to forget to set the time for the next meeting before the meeting is over. And I, as a leader tend to take things at face value. So I said, Why don't we set the intention or the next meeting date up at the beginning of the

meeting? I thought that would handle it. However, the reply was let me see. The reply was, I would like it if we, you know, people could take their time coming in because they're often late from a meeting and they need some time to settle in and they need some time to eat or maybe change your clothes. It's all happening after the meeting started, by the way. And I thought, Oh, and there's no reason why we can't stay for the hour even if the agenda is over

before that. So the it what anyway, so I'll I'll explain what I need. So first of all, here's breakdown, communicating that kind of thing by text doesn't work, you know, that requires a conversation. All right. Secondly, it was a kind of a red herring to say it was about setting the time for the next meeting. That was indirect communication. And then the real

issue is not addressed. So what is really at stake there is what we can train ourselves in, in emotional intelligence training, to really listen for what is not being said. Mm hmm. So I mean, in a text that can take a few back and forth, but that's what I'm trained in listening for, for what's not being said. And there's blame in this example, happening at the same time. So I'm the one that wants to get off the meeting when it's done.

So, you know, this is something that the listener right now may not know, but I do because of past history, right? So there's a lot of things happening here. And there's an expectation for social time inside the business meeting. And I understand it, if I take my my lens off, and get behind that person's lens, this, this is what I would do, I would paraphrase, this is how you deescalate someone to so here's comes the first strategy, I paraphrase what what they're saying and what they're not

saying. So I might say something like, it's, it sounds like, you're really craving some social time. And since we're all together in the meeting, and the meeting might end within the hour, you would like to spend the rest of it socializing. Right, and, and maybe that would de escalate the person a little bit. And I might say something that the second part of it besides paraphrasing is expressing how they might be

feeling. So especially in the pandemic, I might go on to say, you might be feeling a real craving for getting together in a group style, you know, that you don't get if there was no pandemic, for example, and I know this person, they're very social, and they like big group gatherings. So that's not off the mark. So those are the two big really important things to really get when you paraphrase.

And you get behind somebody else's lenses, you have to paraphrase what they're saying, and and state what their feeling might be. And they might come back and say, yeah, and, and then you have to do it again, paraphrase what they're saying, and what they're feeling. And if you're really good, you can also state what they're committed to or concerned about, you're committed to bringing this group together, and to really have a sensual sense of friendship, friendship and companionship, as

as well, as well. And so that will help deescalate the person and only once their emotional temperature is down, we'll never be able to have a space to listen to where you're coming from. So that is key. So that is example number one. So the strategy, there is de escalation. How do you de escalate someone or calm somebody down? All right. And when you do that, and you do it successfully, and it might take several tries, then there's a space created, where they actually have room to listen to

your perspective. And then you can ask them, so what did you hear from what I'm seeing, you know, like very carefully if because they don't maybe know how to do that. All right. But I think overall, we here comes the second second thing to remember, we need to take 100% responsibility for how we're reacting and experiencing our

lives. At any given time. If we don't, and we start blaming the leader of the team, or the government for what they're doing or not doing, which happens everywhere, on the news everywhere, I mean, my Twitter feed is full of it, right? And then we are giving our control away. We're giving our power away. And only when we stop behaving like a victim will we be able to find and create ways of feeling empowered? Only when we're open to that. Okay, so that's the second one.

Taking responsibility for what we can take responsibility for. So if there's a fallout in a team at work, then even if something is only 5% Your responsibility or your fault, influence we can initiate a conversation with another person saying you know, I realize this is, you know, I giggled when you tried to propose a very serious conversation, take responsibility for how you react if you can't take responsibility for anything else. But you need to take the initiative, that's

taking 100% responsibility. And when, when you, when you take the initiative for that type of conversation, and you do it by taking responsibility first, then there's an opening. And it brings all the defenses down in the other person, you can have a real conversation, that's about problem solving, de escalation, connection, connection is the

third strategy. So especially now, in the pandemic, when we're all working in different ways, a lot of people are working from home, some people are not even working. You know, some people are going into work part time, or they're the only ones there or whatever, we need social connection. I've always had a trouble problem with the with the term, socially distancing, its physical distancing, that's needed. Yeah, oh, surely we need to connect. And so it's

critical. We, I think, in the workplace, we all need a buddy that checks in with us daily, or we check in with each other daily. And you ask the other person, how are you feeling? And you have to just be quiet after that. And let them say how they're feeling. And then do the de escalation activity, paraphrase what they're saying. So it sounds like you're having a rough day, you know, or your dog is sick, or whatever it was. And that must make you feel

empathize. If we don't learn to empathize, we can't really solve any problems because there's an elephant in the room, so to speak, right. And then switch roles. So I have a committed colleague that I do this with regularly. And it helps so much, because at the end of it, we both feel totally understood. And we both feel totally heard. So I think especially now it's

critical. In the schools, I'm teaching that every student needs to have an adult in the in the school that checks in with them daily, whether it's the caretaker that's responsible for, you know, a handful of children, and you don't do it as a group, one on one, whether it's the the Secretary, whether it's this the teacher, it doesn't matter, but there needs to be check ins, because there's a lot of trauma happening right now. Children are also being, you know, victims of trauma

right now. And and this is what they research says is the number one key thing that is important is we need to have children need adults, an adult that they connect with daily, and even just for five minutes doesn't have to be long. But I think if you can't sweep a classroom out, that's okay, connect with that kid. And the same in the workplace, we need to connect with a colleague, we need to have somebody who has our back

on an emotional level. And that's important anyways, but especially in the pandemic. Sure. So those are the three strategies, I'll let you get get a word in edgewise now.

in. No, I can't. That's really, I really like also what you said about, you know, taking the responsibility, because, you know, just for myself, in my own kind of personal professional career journey, I really realized that I took a lot of limitations off of myself, when I stopped blaming other things and other people for failure or lack of success, or, you know, you know, well, I didn't get that job because that interviewer was in a bad mood or, you know, and you know, you

have we have this tendency as just human beings to want to blame other people, because we don't want to own up to anything. And it was really when I started taking that away and kind of going no, I'm I'm the only person who can determine whether I'm successful or not, at the end of the day, because, yeah, of course, somebody can say, No, we don't like you for this job. But does that mean that I'm not capable of finding another position with another

team? You know, those are limitations for me to then say, well, I give up, I'm not going to look anymore. That's a limitation I've just put on myself. Right. And so I that

really resonated with me. I think that that's really, really powerful is that taking responsibility and realizing, especially with a lot of the DEI conversations that people are having right now in the workplace with diversity and micro aggressions, and, you know, being able to say, have people come to you and say You said something that offended me as a minority as an LGBTQ, as you know, someone who's differently abled, you know? And to then say, I'm sorry, I didn't know, how do I not do this

again, rather than? Well, everyone's offended by everything these days. You know, that's kind of like the throw your hands up response that people get defensive with? And it's like, no, take a minute to say, to learn from that, right.

situation. And you know, when there's a microaggression, or whatever, that could just be a misunderstanding, like, you were saying, we need to get curious, we need to get by that person's lenses and go, Well, what's it like for you, when I say something like that? And maybe, you know, realize, oh, maybe I can say it a different way, or Sure, you still want to be able to be somewhat self expressed? If that's possible. But just get curious about how that how the way you've done it comes across?

Sure. And I think that curiosity works both ways. Right? It really does. And I think that's an example of taking 100% responsibility, because I think if we don't take that responsibility, then we, like I said, we're giving our control away. And if we give our control away, that's giving others control over our sense of joy, our sense of inner joy. And we don't need to do that. Even inside a marriage, we don't need

to do that. Right. And, and that's a very intimate space, where you know, that person knows exactly how to push your buttons. Sure, and, and we can take responsibility for finding a way not to have our buttons pushed, I think of it as like, this fiery arrow could be from a spouse could be from a boss could be from a partner doesn't matter. Fire Arrow does not have to land in your heart as it comes towards you. It needs to

land on the floor. And like the wave, it's an invitation to look, cry, because if it doesn't do your heart, especially it's like an alarm. It's like, oh, there's something I need to learn from this experience. If you can learn to let it land on the floor in front of you. It's so much easier, life becomes more joyful. It's not You're not like a puppet being pulled in different directions, depending on others. Right? Sure.

these emotions. But like, being aware of it for me means that a lot of times I have to like, I hear what you're saying, Let me think about it. Because I have to then step back and walk away and let that initial gut reaction emotion of how dare you were off? Yeah. And then really kind of take into account okay. Yeah, no, that that feedback makes sense. But here's the here's part of it. That doesn't

make sense. And then I'm able to go back and have that rational conversation rather than actually saying to someone, how dare you write.

over yet. You want to be able to come back or, and then you just go to the washroom and breathe or whatever you need to do to collect yourself. Or if it's appropriate, you can say, you know, can we continue this meeting, you know, tomorrow or whenever? Because you, you don't want to make things bad for yourself because you're reacting to something that you haven't worked through. Sure, right? Yes. And often has nothing to do with the situation. And knowing that intellectually is really

helpful. Because if you if then you can actually do something about it. If you're not aware of it. You're we're always reacting as human beings and on the spot, and it doesn't serve us sometimes we dig our own grave that way.

practical. And I read it out loud to my husband, so it just finished the other day, again. Okay, yeah. And he likes to just lay back on the couch, he doesn't always want to do the reading. So he likes story. And he's very good at taking it in. And then we have great discussions on it. So just following a book like that, even as a, you know, even doing a book study as a team at work. Sure is, it brings different conversations in and then you're able to apply what you learn.

And my second recommendation is Darren Hardy, he's a success guru. And he's he is, he does like a five minute, every morning. video that you can subscribe to free. And it comes in your inbox in email. And it's an it's so applicable to getting success. And he does it to mentor businesses. And there's a lot of businesses that listen to that every morning, or the leader will listen and then find a way of communicating that during the day. Sure, yeah. So I would highly recommend that as

well. Really, really good. I listen to him all the time. Yeah.