Today, we're talking about five ways to have healthy boundaries. Boundaries and what to do when they fail. First, let's talk about what boundaries are and what they're not. Before I get started, here's my disclosure. I'm not an advocate of boundaries. If I was to be absolutely truthful, however, I do understand and support the need people have for creating them when they have relationships that are dishonouring of their humanity, values, selves, choices, relationships, and lives.
Instead, I'm an advocate for having direct conversations that communicate our requirements for that relationship to be healthy, reciprocal, honoring, and sustaining. By definition, a boundary is anything that marks a limit. Psychological limits define personal dignity. When we say you just crossed a line, we're talking about a psychological limit that marks the distinction between behavior that does not cause emotional harm and behavior that does cause emotional
harm. The source for that definition is guidetopsychology.com. So, generally speaking, in healthy, active, engaging individuals, personal boundaries are the physical, emotional, and mental limits that we have put in place to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. Are they necessary at times? Absolutely they are. I'm not saying don't do them. I'm just saying, generally speaking, in our lives, with our, relationships, they may not be necessary. And here's why.
While they do allow us to separate who we are and what we think and feel from the thoughts and feelings of others, my question to myself and you is, what if they're not necessary? Many years ago, I realized I had too many boundaries. I had learned that boundaries were important, that I had to have them to be healthy and emotionally well. So what happened is I had learned that for this relationship, I needed these boundaries for that
relationship, have these other boundaries. It wasn't too long before I had different boundaries for all of the various coworkers I worked with, different ones for different managers or executives, different ones for different family members, and yet another different range for friends. It was just too much to manage. Over time, it actually resulted in me dissecting myself into multiple personas. Where I showed up as this Dr. Dar or darshana, with this person, reserving certain aspects of myself.
There were very few people where I was totally being myself. That's what I mean by dissecting myself into multiple personas, being a different person, or showing up as, allowing a few aspects of myself to be out in the open and hiding others, depending on who the person was. I also did that while dating. And none, of those relationships turned out well because I was holding myself back. I also realized that the root cause for creating all these boundaries was because I was not clear
about my own values. I was unclear about what I would and would not tolerate in my relationships. I was unclear about my own core beliefs. And I also had varying degrees of a lack of self love, self esteem, and acceptance for my own inner being. I found that I was utterly influenced by others and had lost myself in the swirl of external influence. Until my body let me know that I was out of alignment, I kept going. My relationships were out of alignment. My workplace was out
of alignment. My, personal time was out of alignment. My body could no longer support the extreme stress my m mind and silent emotion had put on it for decades, until my body gave me a choice. To look at myself, to love myself, to honor myself, and to accept myself or keep doing what I knew, keep doing what I had been taught to do m my whole life. Be the good girl, be obedient. Do what I tell you out of duty or respect. Conform to society and culture, because we don't do it that
way. So you should do what we do. You should conform. Be what everyone expects and demands instead. As I lay in that hospital bed, I chose me. It took separating myself from all that I thought I knew for a while until I emerged. It took honoring my own thoughts, feelings, values, and lifestyle priorities, because deep down, I already knew. I didn't have to do a whole lot of soul searching. I just had to be silent enough to allow it to emerge, and I had to hear
it. I had to allow myself to shut the outer noise out so I could listen to the wisdom of my inner self and voice. The body has amazing wisdom if we just tap into it. I also wonder if the world today would be more compassionate if more women had done the same or do the same. Granted, many are waking up and realizing that they have contributed in some way by being quiet and by conforming to the norms. Don't question, don't speak up. Don't share your wild ideas or thoughts.
Don't contradict. Be respectful, and know your place. Those are messages that are rampant pretty much in every community today. Now, I understand that the women who came before us, our ancestors, the ones that stood up, were persecuted, punished, went through a lot of pain. But I don't believe that's the case today in
2020. And I am inviting us as women to shift the paradigm, shift the mindset, starting at home, and in our communities, I'm an advocate for being respectful, being skilled in knowing how to have a healthy and, honoring conversation, knowing how to manage your needs and our needs in a community, knowing when something is out of alignment and how to address it for ourselves, followed by having the conversations to make requests out of that relationship, to bring it back into alignment, and
acknowledging when it can't come into alignment and making honoring choices out of having that information and that
knowing. What if instead, you and us, as women, had conversations about our values, how the other person's words, choices, or behaviors don't align with our values and if we would like to stay connected, having a conversation about what the requirements for the relationship are, if it were to continue, and asking them what their requirements are and you sharing what yours are and seeing where the alignment is and is not. Now, if those are called boundaries, I'm all for
it. Or that type of conversation is. What if that conversation resulted in everyone realizing that there were divergent approaches? What if everyone could see that they could coexist for personal and professional expansion, understanding and compassion? Or what if that conversation resulted in some or all parties realizing that this connection and relationship had met m its completion and you all parted ways amicably without any drama, without any gossip. You just say,
this group is wonderful. I feel my time here is complete, and I am choosing to, exit. If there's anything I can do, you know what my gifts and talents are in the future, reach out and then walk out with respect and honor. There's no hard feelings unless we bring it into the conversation. There have been times when I've said yes to a group or community. Then it changes a few days, a few weeks or months down the road, and it's no longer in alignment with what I said yes to, or what I
thought I said yes to. I've invested money and time into groups and communities where this happens, weeks, months, or years into it. Today, I don't bring pushing energy to change it. I instead see that the time and my time and money has been served, that there's a higher purpose to it. I don't have to understand it, and my energy is no longer required there. I am free to allow something else to arrive, emerge and expand into my life and being.
I also contemplate this whole irreconcilable differences that terminology used commonly in marital separation or divorce. I think it applies here oftentimes. It's time to say goodbye. I wish you and me the best in life and love. What if you and we could say goodbye and I love you, but we've been taught to stay. It's so deep in our genetic makeup and mindset. We've been taught to suck it up. We've been taught that it will sort itself out. So we stay to our detriment
and ultimately to their detriment. We stay. Then we become resentful, bitter, unhappy, or worse over the longer term and our bodies suffer. Seeing where your requirements and the other persons or communities or groups, align or diverge is important. But you won't know until you ask and have the conversation. By sharing yours and asking for theirs, you would then know what you're willing to accept or not. Requirements are present all the
time. Sure, they can change over time, and then you've got to have another conversation about it because, we are growing, expanding, dynamic individuals as human beings. But at any time, if a requirement is not present, then it's a deal breaker. Frankly, if a requirement is not present, then you've got to have the tough conversations. But what we do is we confuse needs and wants with requirements. And because we confuse them, we allow ourselves to be flexible with our requirements. They are
not flexible. They are non negotiable. Requirements are non negotiable. And because we are confusing them with needs and wants, we allow ourselves to get let down repeatedly. Ever since I got clear about my solid requirements, ever since I got clear about my solid requirements, I no longer attract anything that is not aligned with my requirements
and what they mean to me. And I know ahead of time whether a choice I'm presented with, an opportunity, new relationship, a question, an invitation, a job, or new customer place to spend my money. Really, anything in life is in alignment or out of alignment with me. I also am, clear about my relationship superpowers and my kryptonite. There are five relationship superpowers that I use in my coaching practice. Using my relationship
superpower approach. Knowing which one is your natural strong suit and which one does not bring out the best in you also helps you know and me know when we're out of alignment and when we're not. I invite you to take the quiz. Take my quiz@relationshipsuperpower.com to learn what your superpower and kryptonite really
are. After having used the relationship superpower approach in my coaching practice and in my own life for over ten years, along with looking at themes from the results of women who have taken the quiz over that time or duration, I'm finding that many women are super duper convinced their superpower is survival. Can you see the connection here with what I just talked about around requirements and staying and conformity.
Women think their superpower is survival. They've become so skilled and adept at surviving. Now, as I said, those words, you're probably sensing something is a little bit out of alignment there. These women, their bodies and their emotions are telling them otherwise. They're tired. They feel out of alignment. They're in relationships that require survival or protection tactics, and they stay because they're so good at survival skills. Or so
the mind says. Now, please know I'm not in any way, shape, or form telling you what you should or should not do. Ultimately, you are a choice. I'm just sharing some information with you and some guidance that maybe resonates. And if it doesn't, that's perfectly okay. So the mind says some things and tells us things out of conditioning and programming and things that we've been taught and learned. The body says something
else. The wisdom of the body is powerful, and the relationship superpower approach taps into that wisdom. My relationship superpower approach, I should say, be clear about what your requirements are in all your relationships. For example, mine are reciprocity, harmony, love, and kindness. They come from my whole body. I can feel them. It's not just something my brain comes out with, with words, without feeling it deeply to the core of my body.
From where my hair comes out of the roots and my scalp down to my tippy tippy toes, I can feel them. Reciprocity, harmony, love, and kindness. Also, being clear about what these words mean to me is a requirement. And for you, for example, as I was processing and really getting clear about my requirements, I had a lot of other words on my sheet of paper. For example, for me, respect, honor, flexibility, understanding, and compassion are all words I include in with the word
love. Knowing my priorities in life also helps keep me in alignment. I call them lifestyle priorities. And my lifestyle priorities are my well being, my marriage and family, my home and my livelihood, in that order. Knowing my priorities keeps me aligned. I also consider in the domain of family, my chosen family. Those are my close friendships that I deeply care about and are reciprocal. So when anything comes along that does not align with my lifestyle priorities or my values, I know to wait
or say thanks. It's not for me, or I know it's an ending to something that was good and is now out of alignment, without judgment or analysis. It simply is what it is. The root cause for needing or having boundaries for me is that we are dishonouring to ourselves. How can we expect others to honor us if we don't first honor ourselves. I believe energy attracts and repels. If we honor ourselves fully and wholly, then, we have the energy of honoring ourselves.
We then find that we no longer attract anything that is dishonouring of ourselves. And if we do, we know how to handle it with honor, respect and love for self and all involved. To me, this approach is so much more empowering than a boundary. Let me know what you think by leaving a comment, reaching out to me on my website and sharing your thoughts with me. So here are the five ways to have healthy boundaries.
First, take the relationship superpower quiz to learn about the five relationship superpowers and identify your specific natural superpower and your kryptonite. Remember, the kryptonite is the areas or energy that makes, you weak. That doesn't bring out the best in you. Then the second step is to identify and be clear about your top four or five values. Spend some time with this. It's really important and it just really feels good when you're clear
about them and they're solid and grounded. Third, identify and be clear about your lifestyle priorities. I suggest no more than four or five. Ensure you're grounded, aligned and solid in your relationship superpower values and lifestyle priorities. As the fourth step. They don't change around or morph and they are a requirement. They are also an alignment tool for you as you make choices in your life going forward. The fifth step is for you to check in with your relationship
superpower. Check in whether your kryptonite is active. Check in with your four or five values. Check in with your lifestyle priorities before you make choices in your life and ensure that the choice you're thinking of making or contemplating making is in full alignment. If it isn't, that's a message for you to wait or say no, not now. Also, I want to share with you what to do when your boundaries have failed you or
are not working. I've already stated that I believe it's not necessary to have boundaries. Instead, I invite you to make a choice to have the conversations where you share your requirements of the relationship or event. For example, I've let my parents know in the past this happened when I was in my 30s that talking about me getting married at an event is not okay with me. So I would prefer that that topic not be brought up and we can all enjoy each other's company at that
weekend's gathering. I also let them know that if someone brings it up, I'm going to change the subject or redirect it by asking them a question about their life goals or desires out of genuine curiosity, wanting to connect with them. And if it becomes a larger topic in a group, I will be silent to see if it subsides, and if not, I will politely and kindly excuse myself from the event if I'm unable to redirect the conversation in another direction.
I, then ask for their support with this. Now, before I said all of that, I also said this ahead of time. I know that me being married is ultra important to you both, and I understand that. And I want that for me too, just not on your or this timeline. Clearly it's not happening right now. So when we get together, it becomes a big topic and then I get upset. There's emotion and drama and then no one's having a good time and enjoying each other. I don't want that to
happen at this event. And I also, deep down know I don't have to bring this up, but I know that if the conversation with my parents had resulted in oh, we're going to talk about it because we care about you and your future and we love you. I know I would have said I appreciate the invitation. That's just not going to work for me at this time. So I'm choosing to stop by, say hello, and then leave. Or I could also say I'm choosing not to attend this time. I hope
you all have a wonderful time. And then I change the conversation to a, ah, lighter topic so that we can reconnect on things we do share and love about each other in our lives. You can certainly call those boundaries, I call them, meaningful conversations that are honoring of each other, honoring of our values, honoring of our requirements, honoring of our lifestyle priorities. They are also self honoring conversations. As women, it's time for us to have these conversations.
It's time for us to model them with kindness and compassion. There's no need to label it as feminist or any of these other labels. It's just time for us to teach others how to have these conversations by modeling them, which requires having them.