In this episode, I use the term relationship superpower. As a lifelong learner, I'm, consistently updating my programs and offers for you. This term relationship superpower is now known as the sovereign relationship needs. Please keep that in mind as you listen to this episode and hear the term relationship superpower. They are kind of interchangeable. I, just wanted you to know what it is called now so that you are aware of the new term sovereign
relationship needs. Our five relationship superpowers that align with how we respond, react, and behave in our relationships, work, and lives. Our superpower is active and engaged when we feel grounded and open hearted. Our kryptonite is active when we feel shame, blame, guilt, depression, anxiety, or when we're critical about ourselves or others. Knowing your superpower in your kryptonite is a stressfree and harmonious way
to live our lives. When interacting with other people and organizations in the relationship Superpower podcast, I provide you with inspiration and encouragement to take one step to have remarkable relationships, lives, and work. What's your relationship superpower? Find out now by taking the quiz@relationshipsuperpower.com. I am Dr. Dar, and I am calling myself the relationship
superpower coach. There are five superpowers that humans today m emanate, and we're either at our best or we're at our worst when we're playing with these superpowers in our lives and one or more are always on display at any given time. I have, made it my life's work to, collaborate with you on having remarkable relationships and communication that matters and makes a difference so that you can have the results that you desire in your life and without
other people. It's really challenging to create results. Right? So, it can be in our family relationships, in our work relationships, in our relationships with ourselves and, friendships, you name it. we are engaging with people all the time, even when we're not, we're engaging with human beings. Right. so today's minilesson. before I dive into it, if you're not aware of, my Facebook group, please join the relationship
superpowers group on Facebook. It is a closed group and a very safe community where women like us can, learn more about the superpowers and build community as we engage with each other and use this language of relationship superpower. Okay, so, by popular request, I'm going to be talking about negotiation today using the superpowers. Okay, so the relationship superpowers hail from the work of Dr. William Glasser. He spent, I think, probably 80 years. Whether he knew it or not,
studying today's human. And he hails from the, psychology and, mental health domain of expertise. And what is really resonant for me is he noticed and recognized very quickly, once he was in private practice and working with people in what I call systems. systems are anywhere, any place, that creates an opportunity for learning structure and most prolifically conformity.
So it could be hospitals, schools, religious organizations, prisons, corporations, any type of organization where there's, rules of conduct and engagement beyond the simple ones, the kindness, the human courtesy. they are cultures that then impact individuals. And we change who we are to fit in. he went into these systems and he recognized that the current medical model and mental health model simply doesn't work. It wasn't for his observation. he was noticing it was keeping
people right where they are. These are my words. but that's from, my reading and my studying and my being coached, with his work. that's what I've noticed as well. And so people who find me, they have tried a lot of things and they just did not work for them. And it's very frustrating. We spend a lot of money, a lot of time, a lot of energy, only to feel like a failure, feel shame. Why is it working for this
person but not for me? and the reason why those things aren't working is because those models, were created from the left brain. I've talked about this a lot, and we'll continue to. Those models and systems were created from the left brain space to fit people who are more holistic, people who are creative, intuitive, empathic, sensitive, people who feel, who also think, but think not in a left brain logical box. Right. We think more
holistically and openly. And so these systems are failing us in larger, wider wave now. And, I'm just including myself, right? I participated in all of them until I decided, listen, this stuff is not working for me. I'm tired of spending dollars on things that don't work and just really connecting, with ways that honor you, honor your nature and nurture your nature. And I've been looking at what honors me, right? Finding ways to work with the existing structures, and making them
work for me. And many of us have already done that. Maybe we find a recipe and it's not exactly right for us and we tweak it. I call us the cosmic tweakers. And it's because we have to find things that create success for us and that create the results that we're looking for. I am all about transformation and you having the results you're looking for in your life through leveraging the superpowers and also other tools that I have. So this actually came from a member request
to talk about negotiation. just read the material that has been written for decades in popular trade magazines like Cosmopolitan, for example. The information is the same, just with a different twist. Nothing has changed. And so I'm going to talk about how to create, collaborative, engaging solutions when you're working with other people. Just a refresher. The relationship. Superpowers are fun, freedom, love and belonging, power and
survival. And I am so grateful for Dr. William Glasser and his, work in reality therapy and choice theory, which I talk a lot about. I'm not going to go into a lot of it today. but the crux of it is that we are always at choice. And for me, when I am aware of which superpower is activated or, is absent, I can look at my choices from that mindset, from that filter, from that framework. And so these are the five superpowers. Dr. Glasser calls these motivations or
needs. And what happens is, when any of. These are activated, either a need or a motivation is getting fulfilled, or it's not. It's present or it's absent. And based on whether it's present, and depending on which one of these is our primary versus what I call our kryptonite, the one that doesn't bring out the best in us, or the one that is really a coping mechanism or a crutch that we have learned over time and it's worked for us.
if you don't know what your superpower is, go to drdar.com, drdar.com and take the quiz. All right, so let's talk about what negotiation is. Negotiation is really collaborating with others while leveraging and using and being aware of these five superpowers. It is also listening for and from the superpowers. When you're listening for the superpowers, you are paying attention to the dynamics with people in the room, the dynamics with your communication with
them. And you're listening for which of the superpowers is present with each individual or for those dynamics. You, can tell from the meeting as a relationship, just for the meeting as a container, you can tell from each of the individuals in the room, when you're listening for the superpowers. And it doesn't mean that the person equates to this. This is who they are. This is just what's showing up in that moment. Secondly, the other thing I want to share with you is it could also
not have anything to do with that meeting. We bring prior experiences with us. Our past follows us and we keep it alive. And that is a choice. I have, ah, learned that that is a choice. If something is bothering me, and it happened a year ago, five years ago, ten years ago, those individuals aren't making me think about it in this moment. I am. I'm the one choosing
to bring that past here. And so I've done a lot of work and I coach my clients on not healing the past because there's nothing really to heal, right. Past happened, stuff happened to you, people did stuff to you, you did stuff to them. And we carried it forward. And what I do is I unpack what happened in the past from what we attach to it, from these superpowers. We attach some sort of value and meaning to it, or lack or worth or unworthiness to it, and then we carry it
forward. So I work with my clients to not heal the past, not make peace with the past, but honor their past and leave it in the past. So, I went on that tangent because I want you to understand that people, when you're engaging with them, it is personal because you're engaging with them, but it's not about you. They're bringing their stuff to the conversation. And I'm inviting you to just make it about the conversation, not any other stuff. Okay? All right, so that's
what listening for is. and from the superpowers is about, then it's about connection, using the superpowers. So when you're negotiating or you're looking to find common ground in a community or with a group or with an individual, you've got to be aware of which superpowers are at play. And consider that when things feel off or out of alignment or that person is charged, there's a need not getting met
for them. They're reacting and responding to something that has nothing to do with you, but it has something to do with the conversation and whatever's going on with them. So you've got to create connection through your awareness and listening for and from the superpowers. so you're doing this in the background. You're also going to be identifying differences or voids, those disconnects, those moments of, lack of alignment. And the lack of alignment isn't
about you. It isn't about the situation. It's that we are in one of these superpower stages or states of being. And there's not alignment with whichever superpower they're activated in. Right? So for example, if I'm in power mode and I'm just looking to drive to the end and get stuff done, for example, there are many ways power shows up. Okay, I'm just using this as one example. If I'm in that mode and a person's in, I just want to be free. I want to make choices, I want to
have input to the dialogue. You can see how that becomes an out of alignment situation. And negotiation is going to be hard. Hearing each other is going to be hard when we're out of alignment. So that's what identifying the differences or voids are. Then you're going to find commonality and alignment. And you can only do that by listening, by really hearing them and talking about, hey, I'm noticing that
you are charged and I'm starting to get charged. Let's talk about what that's about and what started that, what ignited that charge and what needs we think aren't getting met. and having that type of conversation is amazing. Oftentimes I find when we know we're going into a negotiating type of meeting or engagement, or people perceive that they are, or they perceive they're going to be a doormat, or they perceive that they're going to have
to give in or they're not going to win. Because we live in a culture of winning. And negotiation is not about winning, it's about collaboration. Right? It's about these things. And this is where the magic is finding commonality and alignment. So, when you're out of alignment, it creates issues and you've got to listen for that and have that conversation. When you notice that
alignment is lacking. And once you take the time and the presence and have the compassion and understanding and love, regardless of what state you and others are in, just shift to that neutral space so that you can create all of this and have all of this. But when all of this is present, then you can find commonality and alignment. so let's talk about what negotiation is not. It's not about being a doormat. It's not about them getting their way or the highway.
It's not about you getting your way all the way. It's not about pushing others to see it your way or their way. And it's not about rejection. It's not about you being rejected. Can you see the distinctions here now. That'S so different from this? We've been taught negotiation is about somebody else winning. And one of the other losing. Winning for me is collaboration. It's about everyone getting a piece of the pie. someone.
And if you think about a pie, now that I'm on that tangent, when you think about a pie, there might be five people and the pie is cut into five pieces, but there's going to be one or two people who don't want a whole slice, right? So they get a small piece of the pie, there's someone else that might want seconds and so they get seconds. That's just how it works. And so it's not about winning and
losing, it's just not about that. It's all about collaborating and connecting and finding commonality. And sure, you might get some things you want and they might get some things they want. That creates long lasting relationships. And over time, that is a very powerful way of living and being in community. And I feel like our world has lost that way. This whole winning, losing mindset, it's a left brain mindset. Again, you don't have to look far to see how that is not
sustainable. It creates damaged relationships over time and it's just not worth it. And it's exhausting and stressful. So that's what negotiation is, not. Now here are some tips for you. One or more of the superpowers are always in play. They're always in motion and they're always on display outwardly, whether we know it or aware of it, or accept it or acknowledge it or not. Okay? So there are several states of being that we're in when we're exhibiting our superpowers.
there's a dominating state where my body posture is really big, my voice is strong and I'm projecting it, but it's in a dominating way. The with state is a sharing state. Yeah, we're sharing information, we're sharing space with each other, but there's still a. Dynamic of my way or I'm thinking about the things that I want. When it comes to negotiation, the dominating state is all about my own wants. And if the other person's in that state as well, it can create
conflict. Right. It's not going to be a good meeting or a pleasant experience, with a few shades better, as an experience. But all parties are still thinking from a me perspective. then there's the within state and this is the ideal state, right. That's the awareness state. That's where we are aware of each other. we are aware of their wants and my wants. and we're aware of the superpowers that are at play and we can shift and we can talk about what's happening in the moment.
And then we shift to the being state. And the being state is where connection happens, but it can only happen when we shift to a within state. Now when we're negotiating and somebody is over here, we can choose to mirror it, which is what people have been taught to do, is to mirror it. and then conflict happens, tension happens, contention happens, or someone just gives in. Look at the bullies of the world, right? You see what happens. It's not sustainable, and people
come away not feeling good. And over time, it's not a lasting relationship. You can shift, if someone is in the over state, the dominating state, you can just shift your energy, shift your mindset, shift your body posture to a with state and relax. And you will notice them do the same. If you go in with that overstate, they're going to match you. If you relax, then they're going to. Do the same thing. Just notice it, stay in this
state. And once you've mastered that, then shift to this state and it's even more relaxed. it's more of a silent posture, it's more of a listening posture. It's about talking about needs and wants and what your company is looking for, what your personal and professional, needs are. and stating, I understand these are yours. Let's find a way to where we both get our needs met. That doesn't mean I'm looking for my way. I don't think you're looking for your way, but let's find
a way that works. Given the constraints and the concerns that you have that are valid and the concerns I have that are valid, that's a within. Once you shift to here, then you can create connection and then you create, desired results from this place. This is where the magic happens is right here. I don't like to call them solutions, I really call them desired results because even solutions implies multiple ways of doing it. But I think the mindset is someone is going
to choose which one, right? But in this mindset, what I call the love mindset, or if you don't want to use the word love, you can use the collaborative mindset or the connecting mindset. When this happens, you're hearing each other and you're finding ways to meet in the middle. There may be things you can't answer, they might be other people that you have to speak with. You can
just state that. Listen, I would love to make that choice right now for you, for us to move forward in this, but I have to talk to so and so and so and so and get their approval. And please know that it may be a no, but it might be a yes as well. and know that I've got yours and our best interest at heart when I go have that conversation. Do you see how that creates connection and it's within. So there's a lot that goes into. Negotiation and collaborating with others.
this is a mini lesson, so it's very challenging to go much deeper than this. I hope this is of value to you. And if you want to learn more, join my Facebook group. I know some of you probably already are in my Facebook group, and if you want to have a more group coaching type master class on negotiating where we will use your examples from your life. You don't have to use names. It'll be a private community and
a private class. Post in the comments that you would like to have a class on that I will also record it. But when, we're talking about people, it's really great to have your experiences and your examples. And that's how people learn. That's how we can implement, that's how we can take action, that's how we can create desired results with things. What I love about these models is they're really simple to apply. We're going to get in there, we're going to talk. We're
going to talk about negotiating. You're going to bring some of your experiences from the past that are still staying with you or something that you're going to be dealing with in the future or something that you dream of negotiating or collaborating and you just haven't had the ability or the courage or the tools to do it. The superpowers are magic. They really are. And they're all about relating, they're all about connecting or disconnecting from others and ourselves.
And they're really simple to use. I have spent over two decades reading and learning, participating in all kinds of different coaching methodologies. still am. I'm a lifelong learner, but I find myself always coming back to this and being at choice, and using this model that you see on this page. Combined with the superpowers, it applies to. Everything in our lives. So, go and take the quiz if you haven't, it's at drdar.com. so that you can identify what your primary superpower is and what your
kryptonite is. And your kryptonite is, the, ah, the, the one superpower that absolutely doesn't operate as, as a feel good, highest good superpower for.