The Da Vinci Code

I know we do it every so often, and this week we're doing it for a special little occasion. Tell me more, Okay, I will um So. I have a new solo series coming out. It's one of my one of Jamie's a Little investigations. It does not have a ton to do with the subject matter of today's movie, which is the Da Vinci Code, which spoiler alert is Apple.

But in any case, uh no, we're we're unlocking an episode today because it's an episode about kind of religious conspiracies and esoteric bizarre ship and uh that is what my new show is about. It it's out starting now. It will be releasing episodes every single Monday. It's called Ghost Church, and what it is is, UM, it's kind of half investigation, half history of a fringe religion in UM. That's it's across the West called Spiritualism. And so what the show is about is it's kind of two tracks.

The first is the history of Spiritualism, which is really really fascinating. It's it kind of came up in the mid eighteen hundreds, beginning with two young girls. Wow, girl, us go off just like us, Well if we were eleven and fourteen, Um, they're y are we are? We have to get permission slips to record this today. UM. But yeah, it kind of UM on windside tracks their story.

Their names are Maggie and Kate Fox, and they kind of um accidentally started a religion that is built around the concept of being able to communicate with spirit or ghosts and communicating with the dead. Um, which is just like a very roller coastery kind of story that I couldn't possibly summarize for you here and I won't because

you gotta go listen to that damn show. And then on the other end, because the religion is UM still very much around, mostly in h small camps throughout the country, too in particular, and I spent a week at one of them, uh in Florida, in the Orlando area. I hung out with a bunch of mediums all week to learn more about what the religion looks like now, UM kind of how a how a fringe religion develops over time, UM, what brings people to it? And uh watching people communicate

with the dead in real time? It was. It was a weird one. It was an adventure. Um. And so I won't I won't spoil anything else from there. If you're into spiritual stuff, I would recommend you check it out. If you're not into spiritual stuff, I would also recommend you check it out because I'm not trying to really sway anyone one way or another. It's it's more just a very bizarrow journey. And I had a lot of fun putting it together. It's a show for everyone. It's

for everyone. You think we can talk to ghosts, well you better check it out. You don't think we can talk to ghosts, Well, there's plenty of people on the show who feel exactly that way. Me. I don't fucking know. It's in. The more I talk to people, the less I know. Wow, I'm sure, there's a folk song about that, so where, but that is true. I it's such a it's such a fascinating topic. Everyone feels strongly one way

or another. Um, and I'm just kind of floating in the goo in the middle, uh, you know, trying to trying to not get yelled at by mediums in Florida, which isn't too hard. But you'll have to listen to the show in any case. That is what we are celebrating on the show today. We'll have another episode coming up that will also sort of be addressing this kind of stuff. The Da Vinci code today. This is a little more of like on the like weird religion side

of stuff. And what I will say for spiritualism is it is nowhere near as fucked up as Christianity. So blockl in because yeah, we recorded this. When did this come out? This came out I believe sometime on the Matreon last year, Yes, March twenty one. I believe in that ballpark and so this If you're not a Matreon subscriber, this is also a reminder that if you are running thinn On episodes on our main free feed, we do to bonus episodes a month with just Caitlin and myself

most of the time. Over on our patreon aka Matreon, there's over a hundred episodes there. This is just one of them. We keep it loose, do a lot of do a lot of bits. I'm sure I shout the Da Vinci code as Apple no less than seven thousand times in this episode conservatively. Yeah. So yeah, enjoy it and we will be linking to the patreon ak matreon if you're interested in joining that community. It's such a blast.

D But first, before we get into it, we over in the Matreon, we assume that everyone knows what the Battel Test is and what the show is, because you know, you're you're there, you're you're part, you're in the Inn crew, you know. So we don't waste time being like, well, here's who we are, here's what the Bechdel Test is. I love we're making fun of what we're about to do. Oh like, but but that's said, even though Caitlin thinks it's ridiculous, apparently we are going to do it right now.

We are going to tell you that this is our show, The Bechtel Cast, in which we examine movies through an intersectional feminist lens. Using the Bechtel test simply is a

jumping off point. Now. The Bechdel Test, of course, is a media metric created by queer cartoonist Alison Bechtel, sometimes called the Bechtel Wallace Test, where by our version because there are many renditions of the test, but the one that we currently use requires that two characters of a marginalized gender have names, speak to each other about something other than a may on, and ideally that conversation is narratively meaningful. Yes, so, if you've seen the Da Vinci Code,

don't hold your breath. But you know, if you're a Tom Hanks fan, also, don't hold your breath. It's not his best and with with no further ado, without further with no without without without much further ado. Hello, oh my god, without further ado, please enjoy the unlocked Da Vinci Code. It's Apple Cast. Welcome back, matrons. Wow. Is this the main event? This is what this entire podcast has been leading up to. He I am really excited

in a way. This movie is all my feeavorite parts of I Frankenstein mixed with all my favorite parts from National Treasure. But when all of the fun just sucked out through a straw. It's shocking. Uh huh. This is a very similar premise, but none of my favorite parts. It's it's wild that a movie is toxic as Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade is a far more enjoyable movie to watch for me, at least than this suck fest.

You didn't have fun watching The Da Vinci Cup The Da Vinci I honestly, it was like such a journey. It was such a right because it was like I started out being like, oh, yeah, this movie is just people saying words. This could be fun, right, because there's that whole oh my god, the moment where I was like, wait a second, what if this movie fucking rocks? Is when Tom Hanks is staring at the Mona Lisa and then he just goes moons, sermons, charms, demons, sermons, monks, ranks, rocks,

And I was like, oh, this movie is nonsense. I'm gonna love it. But then it gets but then it gets really boring for like an hour and a half,

and then it gets funny again at the end. Like it starts funny and then it's boring for a long time, and then it gets funny again at the very end where he's like, Okay, first of all, Matrons, if you were wondering if you went into the da Vinci Code thinking I don't know, I was like, did not in spite of the fact that I definitely like interacted with this property at it in its heyday, I did not remember what the da Vinci code was, and I was knocked on my do you know have you been watching

one division? I have not at this time. Here's a scene where a character is sent through like fort walls in a row, and that's how I felt when I found out that the da Vinci code is Apple, and I have I have a whole theory to go with. Okay, Caitlin, this episode is going to be chaos, by the way, of course, So the da Vinci code is Apple. That's

I didn't. I'm the fact that that's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my entire life is you've been watching this movie for six hours and then they're like, oh, the da Vinci code was literally Apple, not Apple in Latin, not Apple in and just Apple. So if you were reading the book, which I definitely I read it when I was like eleven maybe, and I was like, whoa

I really understand this. I did it, but you have to imagine once by the time you it's just kind of like aggressively mean towards the reader because you you have to probably find out that the da Vinci code is Apple on page like five hundred, and you're like, I went all this way for this. The da Vinci code is Apple. Here's my theory. Yes, please, and keep in mind neither of us have reread the book and

we're not going to. I thought about it, but guess what, for some reason on the library app every copy is checked out. WHOA, it's still I genuinely was thinking about, like, oh, maybe I'll get like the audio book and like funk around a little. It could be fun. It's it's a waiting list around the corner to get. Even in the year, people are still reading the da Vinci Code. It's shocking. So I don't know. I'm sure stuff is different in

the book. If you're yelling at someone about what happens in the Da Vinci Code book versus the movie, you have to move on, right. But my theory is because in the movie, it's one of the funniest scenes in the movie because it's Ian McKellen is literally like the spy, like it's full Star Wars. He's the spy, Audrey. I'm just gonna call her Omily the whole episode, Sorry, Omily. It doesn't know what the da Vinci code is because

she doesn't know anything the whole movie. And then Tom Hanks is like, I know what the da Vinci code is, and you're like, huh, what how? And then he's like standing and he all of a sudden sees the solar system. It reminds me of that meme where a bunch of math problems happened in front of that lady's face. Um, it's that, but it's supposed to be really serious. And then he smashes the cryptex he's he figures out. So here's my theory. The da Vinci code was not Apple.

We never found he we never saw him put the code into the crypt He broke it and he smashed it, and then he the da Vinci code was not Apple,

it was something else. It was I like how he just said it so matter of factly, and were so conditioned to trust, like you know, men with bad haircuts, and also like you know professors, right, But there's there was no proof that the DaVinci code was Apple, and that's and honestly I don't think that da Vinci was, which is weird that what DaVinci my theory is Tom Haks was dead wrong and we'll never know. Well never know because the movie too much. I would argue, cuts

in two flashbacks that look like absolute hell. They look like should they look like it's like a really but you can tell it's expensive too, But it looks like it was edited in like Windows movie maker. Yeah, they put some weird filter over the flashbacks to like let the audience know, don't like, don't be confused, this didn't happen. Now, this happened before, but like they look like ship but we didn't. There's just so many scenes. There will be a fly back to like to clue the audience in, oh,

you weren't sure how this came to be. Here's a flashback to fill in the gaps, but it doesn't do that. With Robert Langdon putting in Apple into the cryptex, so yeah, he just sees the solar system and he's like, it's Apple. Yeah, I maybe in the book, it's like definitively he puts it into the cryptex. The cryptex goes it opens in the movie. I'm going to say, canonically, there's no way

it was Apple. That is a ridiculous answer. Everything else happened in this movie and fucking Latin and anagrams that the Da Vinci code was not Apple. A fourth grader could figure that out. But that's kind of part of the point. That's part of the appeal of the Da Vinci Code is it just like makes you feel really smart, but then you're like, wait a second, I didn't understand a word of that, and I'm pretty sure that it's

all made up. But it's good. I kind of like this was a kind of an interesting case study for like, I mean, it's not an easy thing to do, and I would argue this movie fails it doing it by trying to like take something super complex that requires this vast knowledge base and make it easy to understand for

like the widest audience possible. Like I can't think of an example of it of that going well, because when the people they it's like this movie stops every two seconds to explain to you something that happened three thousand years ago, and then you're like huh, and then they're like, it's fine, the da Vinci Code is Apple. Like they they make it sound really hard, but the solutions are like not that hard and they kind of and they

like make basically no sense. But those feels smart because you like Ian McKellan read forty five Wikipedia articles at you about how he's a male feminist. This movie is I was cracking up. I was this the beginning and end of this movie. It just really puts you in a really specific time and plays because we really were just like sitting in our seats in two thousand and six, it's the fucking Bush administration and we're like, the da Vinci Code is Apple? That like I would, you couldn't

pay me to go back there. What's going on? What is your relationship with the da Vinci Code, The book, the movie, Dan Brown's Ubra in general, Robert Langdon, first of all, Sunny loves Robert lancoln. Of course, Sonny the Dog loves Robert Lee like Robert Langdon, literal genius. Robert Langdon should be in the m c U. That's his whole thing. Um. He thinks that Robert Langdon could really make a killing in the NCU. My my history with

the da Vinci Code is that I don't know. I mean I think that I was like just old enough to participate, and I was really excited because the book came out in two thousand three, so I was like young, but like I could read. I could read, so I thought I could understand everything, so I was really excited. I remember that there was like a raggedy copy of the Da Vinci Code that made its way across my entire family throughout probably two thousand four, two thousand five

or something. I remember I read the whole thing really fast. I read most of it in like a bathtub over the course of eight hours, and then I got sick because I don't sit in a bath for eight hours. That's gross. But I did, and I just remember feeling really cool that I read the book, and I remember low keeping like I didn't catch a word of it, but I read every word and that's what counts. And

then I did see the movie. But by that point, I think, even like for because I was like twelve or thirteen when the movie came out, and even by then, I think I was like I already did it know. I was like that, that's so whatever, like sixth grade or what. Um. But then I I don't know, and I also I learned because I haven't revisited it since that, I retained like nothing. All I remembered going in was Fibonacci numbers. I just remember the phrase. I don't remember

what it meant, but I remember Fibonacci numbers. But but it was interesting watching the movie because it was like plot points were slowly coming back to me, like it was just a long forgotten dream, like as I was like, oh, because like when Ian McKellan came on screen, I'm like, there's something going on with this guy, but I don't remember what. And then he's like, I'm the spy, and You're like, right, he was a spy. I forget. Yeah, So that's that's my history. What about yours? Well, I

too read the book in probably two thousand three. I was nearing the end of high school at that point, and I did you understand it? Yes, I was old enough to Yeah, I understood the duvincicode. And I'll be honest, you know this is this is a property that is very easy and popular to dunk on now. But if I'm being perfectly honest with myself and others, I fucking

loved this book. When I first read it as a sighting at the time, I remember like the trajectory of it too, so basically like it got published, word caught on that it was really fun and really good. So I I read it. All my high school friends read it. We were like, this is the best book I've ever read. Then I read Angels and Demons and I and I was like, because it's like, this type of story is like very up my alley in terms of just like an adventure quest, like let's follow clue news and it

was like again reminiscent of Indiana Jones. And I was like, cool, fun, fun. And then I also just appreciate as a lifelong devout atheist, I appreciate anything that like criticizes and comments on Christianity. So I just felt very cool and I was like, oh, this is like anyway, it was exciting, So I read the book rather those two books. I have not read Inferno, but there's apparently a fourth one also Origin I did.

I remember reading Angels and Demons and then being like, wow, it's so cool to know what Robert Langdon was doing before the Da Vinci Code. Didn't they make that into a movie too, Yes, And So Inferno is also a movie that came out in You're lying, I am telling the Tom Tom Hanks is in it, Yes, as is I think it's Zoe Deschanelle. But I truly only looked at one still image of the movie and I don't know if that's who it is or not. That's so

bold because it's like who was who cares? So anyway, So I had read those books, and by the time the movie came out, I was in college and I went to go see it in theaters. I remember, like my enthusiasm for the books had definitely waned by that point, but I was excited enough that I still like went to go see the movie opening night, and then the movie was such a turd that I was like, oh, you hated it. Yeah, I was like, this is bad, like I could like, I still probably enjoyed myself, and

like because I was. I went with friends and we were like we a night out on the town. But um, I knew then that the like the dialogue especially was just like clunky. I hated Tom Hanks as Robert Langdon. I don't know who I thought Robert Langdon should have been played by, but definitely not Tom Hanks. I was picturing someone a little more young. I don't know, I just didn't I forget how old Robert Linkedon was. But

I like the book. I don't know if the book wants you to kind of have a crush on him, but like, as an eleven year old, I'm like, Wow, he's so cool and so smart. Like you picture kind of like a movie. Maybe Tom Hanks ten years before this movie came up, maybe with a different haircut, with a different His haircut is so distracting that I like, I don't even know what the movie is about. I just was looking at this terrible haircut the entire time.

Do you remember, um, do you remember if in the book the Da Vinci Could is there a romance in the book or is it also scaled back? Because I was like, are they scaling it back in the movie because the age gap is so icky? Or like, what's going on? If I'm remembering correctly, and this is again strictly from my memory bank, so I might be wrong about this, but there is no romance in the book between Sophie and Robert Langdon in the Da Vinci Code. However, in the movie, I feel like they want you to

want it, but they don't want it. But I think there is a like romance and like I think even Robert Langdon has sex with like the female lead of the Book of Angels and Demons. I've not seen the movie Angels and Demons. I don't know if they include that or not, or if even I'm remembering this correctly, but I remember being like, oh, wow, Robert Langdon Fox

because he like Fox the Lady. Maybe that's why I was thrown by it being like Woody, because that would have been like, I'm like, why is Woody playing like this character I was told was like this kind of like low key intellectual sex god, Like that's not what

he's serving me in this movie. And I feel like, okay, of the I think that you are, like you are supposed to think that you want them to kiss at the end, and then they don't write like that seemed was so it was so icky because it was like even in two thousand six, nobody wants that, Like nobody wanted Woody to kiss Emily, Like no, no, no, that's gross.

But there's like there's that like there's like a few moments where I'm like, I think they want me to want this to happen, where like when Robert Langton goes, I never knew a girl who knew that much, and I'm like, no, gross, get away from her. And then that part at the end where they like hug for a weird amount of time and then he kisses her forehead and you're like, creepy uncle, energy don't like it? Uh, well should we? I guess we should just get into it.

Also happy Alfred Molina Month on the Matreon Alfred March, Lena and Melina March Welcome he's playing? Is his character Italian? What? What is his character? I think his character is from Spain, but I oh, I am not certain. Wow, that would actually be Alpha Molena canon, because yeah, he he is speaking well, speaking Latin a lot of the time. But he's also I believe, speaking in Spanish to Silas on

different occasions. Yes, oh yes he is. But I also I cannot detect a Spanish accent from an Italian accent as um an uncultured American. So I don't really know. Here's how here's how simple my my understanding of the Catholic churches. I was like, oh, well, the pope lives in Italy, so he's Italian. I mean that that I see your logic. I'm probably wrong, but yeah, I think

he's from Spain. Question Mark, Wait, what is your like? Okay, I know that you're an atheist now, but where you raised cass Flick know, I was, I was raised in atheists. You were rased, okay, because I was like baptized Catholic, but then we immediately went to like a different flavor of Christianity. And then when I was eleven, my mom

was like, Land, this is boring and toxic. So my like most of my family is Catholic because they're from Massachusetts and it's like the law, and but I feel like, yeah, I only I only understand. I don't understand the ins and outs of Catholicism like canonically, I just understand the

negative traits it brings out in New England families. Sure. Yeah, I know very little about the mythology, if you will, of Christianity, Like I know the main Bible stories that most people know, but beyond that, I know very little. I mean, I kind of appreciate that this movie does, like you're you don't need to know that much to watch this movie. They're going to tell you everything. They're like this is Jesus and you're like, thank I'm with you.

And then then literally the most iconic movie speech. I don't know why it's not on an an FHI list, Moon Sermons, Charms, Damon Sermons, Monks, Rank Rocks, Madonna of the Rocks, Vinci And that's how this like, this is genius. This is genius dialogue. The dialogue sucks so bad and it's delivery is terrible. If what a mess. I don't know what it is like because Ron Howard has made

very I like Ron Howard. I yeah, I mean I was like, I don't think he's a bad but this is like, oh boy, the way people are talking to each other, it's like so it just sounds like they're not even in the same room. Like the conversations feel so like this and I don't know what it is.

I've never in my life seen such expository dialogue. In every single line of dialogue, it's just like, I mean, I I am very pro like, don't talk down to your audience, but if you want this to be like, this is just like a really difficult it's a it's too dense too. I feel like fit into like a fun movie like it's there's just too much you have to you have to stop and explain things every two seconds, and then that's just most of the movie, right, Yeah,

they tried. The da Vinci code was literally Apple, so it turns out none of it mattered. I can't get over it. I feel interesting that you're you're like isolating the da Vinci code into that one particular code that you punched into the cryptext. To me, the da Vinci code is like it's a feeling, it's a sensation, it's the whole experience. It's the roller coaster ride that is the whole movie. Oh I thought it was silly me. I thought it was the code you put into the

Da Vinci thing. You fool there. I don't know what or the da Vinci code. The da Vinci code was either Apple or women unclear to me. What I can't wait to talk about this movie is so male feminist. Like it's like we were talking about this in our last episode of Just Like the Most Like it's like when a guy's like, oh, I'm I'm such a male feminist and then they just explained what feminism is to you for two and a half hours, and then you're like wait, I haven't talked yet, and he's like, yeah,

I respect you so much. I don't even want to know a thing about you. Like I just it's so exhausting the fact that there are so many opportunities to bring Sophie into the narrative and bring her expertise into the narrative constantly, and she's literally a cryptologist, not that you'd know based on how many could she solves, like, and then just Ian McKellan shows up. He's like, oh, actually I know everything that it would be way more interesting if the if the only woman in the story knew.

But let's just tell her. Let's just tell her what's going on. And then she goes, wait, that can't be, Like that's everything. She says, wait, that can't be, and it's like you're Jesus's niece. Get used to it, lady there. And then she's like, well, I don't know any of this stuff because I hate history. And then Tom Hanks, you hate history? What do you mean? No one hates history. They hate their own histories. And it's just like Robert Lincton,

what shut up? That's a really annoying thing for Robert Lindon to say, But also I would argue, that's a really like bizarre thing for so, like, who's like I hate history? Like that is such a broad concept to hate, like you've hated everything that's ever happened. Ever, Like what do you mean? What do you mean when you say that it's like I hate history, I hate everything that's ever happened? Is I just hate it? Like, well, I don't know what to tell you. Oh my god, I'm

just laughing, laughing, laughing this whole movie. It makes no sense. Also, the character names are so silly teeming a ringa Rosa. You're just like, I'm sure it's all I'm like, maybe it means, oh, here's something fun. Uh there? This was okay. So when I was like younger, like probably more like high school, I used to love when like famous writers would give information on like this is my writing routine and like this is how I write. And I used

to like look up whatever. I would love stories like that. And Dan Brown has done this several times. I guess he most recently did it a couple of years ago. I'm thinking of something from like fifteen years ago. But he like discussed his writing routine and it's like so fucked up. Like he wakes up. It sounds like do you remember when like Mark, what's his name, the evil one from Ted Mark Wahlberg Wallberg, Mark Wallberg released his like workout routine. He's like, I wake up at three

am and scream, like it's like scary. Dan Brown is like that, but for writing shitty books about Robert Langton. Like he's he wakes up at four am and drinks like a spinach milkshake and then he writes for like fifteen hours, and then he's like then I whatever, like give my son a encouraging pat on the back and go right to bed. And I was like, he sounds he sounds like the worst. He just sounds like he's horrible. Oh well, he has a masterclass. We should watch it.

We should. He just seems like such a like snobby jerk. I think he thinks I mean, he probably thinks he's Robert langdon I bet? Yeah? Well shall we? I need to get some wine. Yeah, go get someone fills um fill your chelice and by that I mean your womb like wine and drink your womb wine out of your vagina, because that's what this movie is about. Because woman is mother. Okay, okay, I'm here, all right, welcome back. I'm gonna do the recap.

I am going to skip over a lot of details because there are just too many things, and I'm gonna flash back and say exactly what happened. And he's like, it has to do with Constantine. Actually Constantine was a pagan, and I'm just shut up, shut up, I very. It's like, I feel like it speaks to this movie's exhausting nature that I never want Ian McKellen to shut up, but in this movie, I really wanted him to shut up constantly. It's like, stop talking, but not as much as I

wanted Tom Hanks to shut up. I know. It's really taking like the icons that are pretty like culturally untouchable at the time of this recording and makes you just like absolutely despise hearing their voice. It's remarkable. So yeah, I skip over a lot of things in the recap, so it might not make any sense, but I did my best. So the movie opens in the Louvery. Oh my god. The closing shot of this movie at the

loube speak. Okay, this movie much like Ralph Freaks the Internet, except this movie is horrible and it's I would say that this movie is like almost camp. It's so bad, Like this movie ends forty five different times, but the final ending is the funniest one where Robert Liked runs back to the louver and like she feels on the

louver like it's oh boy, it's remarkable. Perfect. Okay, So we're in the louver and there's a monk named Silas played by Paul Bettany, and he is trying to get some information from uh, this man who I don't know if he's a curator there, I don't know. He's in the louver and the link gets the information and then

shoots sonya. Let me cut to Robert Langdon played by Tom Hanks, of course, and he is a professor of religious symbology giving a presentation in Paris, and then he is approached by the French FBI and they want to talk to Langdon French b I, if you will um, the French Bureau of Investigations. They want to talk to Langdon about the murder that we just saw take place.

Then we cut back to Silas, the monk. He is talking on the phone with someone who he calls teacher, and guess who else is talking on the phone in a different scene with the teacher is Alfred Molina, and he's doing an accent, and we don't know what the accent is. I love to see him in his Catholic hat. It's what I mean. He feels like he's playing a very similar character to me. I mean, we know him as a great villain. He plays the hell out of

a villain. He's playing a very similar villain to me as a character he plays in Chakola I I totally agree, except with none of the like lovable. I'm like, what if there just floating some ideas for our reboot of the Da Vinci Code. Uh, what if there were a

a cake scene? Where is the cake scene in the Vinci Where is the scene where this Bishop of Opus day is refusing to indulge in any sort of sweets or chocolates until he hits a breaking point in which he just goes balls to the wall, eating every bit of chocolate in sight to the point where he's basically having sex with chocolate. Why isn't that scene in the Da Vinci Code? What's going on? There are a few

like really iconically good shots of Alfred Bolina. The first was like Paul Betny wakes up and Alfred Bolina is just like standing over him, and I was like, this is for me ideal, Like I wish I were Paul

Bettany in the scene. Um I. Then there's the clip that you sent me of like launching out of a car, Like it's so good, it's really that is the literally the best part of the movie because there's this really like epic music playing and it's like one of the few times in the movie where like interesting camera work

is actually happening. And like I'm not normally a big snob about like the mechanics of filmmaking in terms of like cinematography and editing and stuff like that, but like this movie does everything so poorly that you can't help

but notice it. But like there is one moment where I'm like, look at this camera work where the camera's kind of like it's tracking with one person and then it kind of shifts over to focus on Alt from Lena getting out of a car and then he like sees something and then starts sprinting out of frame and it's just like this beautiful fluid movement and h it's a scene from a better movie. I was like, that was a singular gorgeous shot. Indeed, I wish I knew. I wish I didn't know what movie it was in.

Uh okay. So Alfred Molina plays Bishop Aaron Garossa, who is a religious figure of Opus Day, a sect of Catholicism that seems, according to this movie, pretty scary, and he is like Silas's mentor. So meanwhile, Langdon is taken to the Louver and Captain Fash a k genre no, you're literally like Fash And then I was like, I don't know, and then I just kept watching because that's how you that's the only way you can watch the Da Vincico this to be like hmmm, maybe that's something,

and then you're like, well, I don't know. Okay, something else is happening now. Now we're talking about Constantine and the Holy Wars. Yeah, so Captain Fash is Genrino and he is. He's there as well as Sophie. It's very French, and it's they literally cast Emily, so we're like, okay, she is for French. So it's yeah, Audrey Tattoo or however you say any name in French. And I love her. I wish she had been given a single thing to do in this entire movie. Truly, I hope she made

so much money. That's it would give me peace to know that Audrey Tattoo made a lot of money. But I have a feeling that she probably made much less money than literally every man on screen. That's probably true, and that's upsetting. Her character is a cryptologist for the French police, and she's like, hey, Robert, they think the police think that you killed sna Also, by the way, he was my grandfather and as he was dying, he left all of these clues, so you and I have

to work together to solve them. Because basically Sania had put himself in the position of the Vitruvian man. And then he also wrote a bunch of words on the floor an invisible ink, which read how long was this

man dying? Like this? I had a funny because I forgot what the because I remember, like as a kid, being like whoa the like long ass codes where he's just stumbling around the loop like writing poems and ship and but I was I couldn't remember, and so I was like, what if it was what if he just smeared some pig out in bluff like that would be a more interesting choice to be than whatever the funk he did, thoughts something to consider for our reboot. Yeah,

like could be a fun iconic message relieve. Also, I forget who someone it might have been a friend of the show, Matt Rogers, but like someone recently tweeted like what what a like weak endorsement that was on the part of Charlotte and her web, like like, who's this guy? I don't know, some pig. He is some pig And everyone was like, wow, he must be really special and you're like, well, that's not what she said. Oh goodness,

listen to women and what they weave in their web. Okay, So um Sonia had written O draconian devil, oh lame st and Langdon figures out that these words are an anagram and shout out to anagrams and my very anagrammable name, please and thank you. Um that anagrams to Leonardo da Vinci the Mona Lisa, and then we're like, wow, Da Vinci code alert it's starting. So they go over to the Mona Lisa and there's another clue there, and that leads to another clue and then another and it's like

National Treasure all over again. It's yeah, National Treasure. If fept way longer and worse, way less fun and there's no where is my Bartinary Bartha insight, I feel like this movie really would benefit from a Bartha type chater, like because you have the similar set, because whatever in the National in the Da Vinci National Treasure Frankenstein Code, it's like you have it's kind of like a sacred, sacred triptych right, Like you have your like agro hero

in Nicolas Cage. You have a woman who will not be allowed to do anything but is there in the form of Abigail. And then you have a little cartoon squirrel guy in the form of Justin Bartha. And I feel like the da Vinci Code could really have used the Justin Bartha character to keep us, to keep us having some fun in a movie that is really not that fun to watch. Right, Yeah, we need some kind

of comic relief for squirrel relief, for Bartha relief. It's not like Justin Bartha wasn't available, you know, was his availability is open? Okay? So then they pick up the flur de Leys, which is this like key like object as they're going around the louver discovering clues. But then Langdon and Sophie have to run because the cops are chasing them, and while they're on the run, Langdon tells Sophie about the Priory of Ssion, which is a secret

society that protects a secret treasure, the Holy Grail. Um. So, now I guess the story is about finding the Holy Grail, right, which I was like, I think, oh right, that was another thing. I was like, oh right, that's what the Da Vinci code was looking for. Question mark. Yes. So meanwhile, Silas has followed the clue that Son had given him, but it turns out to be a decoy and he is so mad that he murders a nun about it.

He really is on a mission from God, and that mission is to kill as many nuns as he possibly can, because he kills a lot of one. Yeah. So then we cut back to Langdon and Sophie. They take the flur dey key thing to this like very fancy bank, I guess where in a safety deposit box there is a smaller wooden box with a rose on it, and inside that box is the DaVinci. That's the only thing that Sophie knows in the entire movie is like, how the Da Vinci could works, but she doesn't know how

to unlock it, and she doesn't try. And yes, she knows what a cryptics is, which is the thing that's in this little box, and it's this device that you have to spell out a five letter word to unlock it and retrieve like a little piece of papyrus inside. But if you break it, then the vinegar also inside the cryptics will dissolve the papyrus and then the secrets lost forever. So that's a lot of exposition that she

very clunk Lee delivers to us. Mess I liked it better when it was just squirting like lemon juice on the Declaration of Independence. That was a little more my speed. But whatever, they made a choice, sure, sure, sure, But now they've hit a dead end because Langdon doesn't know enough stuff about the Grail legend. So they go to Lee Teping aka Ian McKellen, who is a Grail historian who is also a billionaire, and it is not clear

how he has any of his money. That was my thing, Like, once you find out he's the spy, you're like, well, of course he had to have some grift going on, because like Grail historians, that has to pay four dollars a year, Like what who is? Like? I feel like that's not like a thriving job market where you would

have like entire zip code to yourself. Maybe he's nepotism, we don't know, could be who care that being a Grail historian is the type of job that you would have if you're like the kid of a very wealthy family and you don't have to actually have a real job or work or anything. I got so bored at this part that I started to do a thought experiment of like what if you were on a date with someone and you were getting along and then you're like, what do you do? And they were like, I'm a

Grail historian. Would you feel like I need to go? Or would you say I'd better stay. I feel like I would be kind of turned off by a Grail historian. I'm inclined to agree in the same way many people are like comedian, I have to go, and it's like I get it. Um, that's how I would feel about a Grail historian, And actually maybe I would feel a little superior. I'm like, oh, you found a job that's

more embarrassing than nine. Yeah. True. Um. So they go to Lee teeping, and Lee explains that the Holy Grail is not a cup, which is what it is commonly thought to be. It's a woman, but not just any woman. It's which one Mary Magdalen. And not only that Mary Magdalene was Jesus's his wife what and then but wait, there's more. There's more, which is that that she was gregnant as hell with Jesus as greg That wasn't in Jesus Christ Superstar. My mind was blown once that platfoin

came up. I'm like, oh, I do remember reading that in the book and being like, oh, what how could it be? Or like does all this like you know, it's like high key bullshit, but it is fun. Like maybe it was more fun in the early two thousand's when like online conspiracies were not um killing people at the same rates they are these days. But at the time, I was like, oh, yeah, there is no cup in

that painting. It must mean that Emily is Jesus's niece like that it's so conspiratorial and weird, and yeah, I mean it is, like those kinds of scenes are really fun to watch, especially when they end up being correct. You're like, wow, you you you made a big swing and you were right. Yeah. So basically t Being is making the argument here that da Vinci had left all these clues in his work that Mary Magdalene was Jesus's his wife and that she is the actual Grail and

that it's not this like Chilice thing anyway. So he's like going through this whole power point presentation, and then he says that once Jesus was crucified, Mary Magdalen fled to France and gave birth to a daughter. So basically, the secret that the Priory of Scion has been protecting for the past two thousand years is the fact that Jesus has a bloodline. And this whole string of airs makes you think and the reason that like Silas and Alfred Molina's character and like Opus Day exists is that

they are trying to kill Jesus. Is fair the descendants of Jesus family, because the revelation that Jesus was like a mortal man who can get people gregnant would kind of unravel the church's teachings of like the divinity of Jesus Christ, we can't be having that. It was Oh my god, it's so sailing, And this whole scene takes

like twenty minutes. It takes a lot. They cut away to other stuff every once in a while, but I'm like, you think I don't notice that Ian McKellan and Tom Hanks have been debating for twenty minutes about Mary Magdalen because I did Audrey tattoo is barely there. She's like it could it can't be what? No, And then like Ian McLellan keeps asking her rhetorical questions that she gets wrong,

Like that's the whole. It's so much. I think that it's worth mentioning, just in keeping with our male feminist king narrative that Robert Langton he's written a book and you know because we see him reading his own book at multiple points in the UH and it's called Feminine Saclair, The Sacred Feminine, and you're like, god, he's so toxic, but he like the whole it's so two thousand and six, but it's still kind of like something that doesn't not exist now, where it's like sure like siss head men

who are so invested in proving their respect women that they just speak over women for hours on end without even noticing, Like at every man who is like good quote unquote in this movie, it's just talking over women and explaining women to them, and to extend being like, no, I am obsessed with him and I respect them, but only if they are says reproducing wives. Does that make sense? And you're just like, okay, the way we're defining womenhood

is also toxic, Robert langdon oh. Yes. So it's at this point in the story where after all this stuff has been explained to the only woman in the narrative who has no idea what's going on, right, Lee starts to decipher the cryptics, which is against supposed to have a map inside that's going to lead to the Holy Grail.

But just then Silas Sneak attacks them, so they have to flee in Lee Teebing's plane, which he has a of a jet of the plane, and they go to London and they take Silas as a hostage, and on the plane, Robert finds another clue in the box that the cryptics came in, so they go to the tomb that this clue speaks of, and they're they're trying to get more information or something. This is a whole this is another like and then or something happens where I

don't really know why anyone is doing anything. So they're trying to find some information. But te Bing's servant man Remy, kind of turns on them and he turns out to be the teacher. But oh wait, just kidding, it's Lee. Ian McKellen is the teacher. He was the spy. He was the spy again, another wide swing that ends up working out for Ian McKellan. I'm like, how did you get away with that? He's calling from his home phone number, like being like, I, oh, yeah, I know, Jesus is niece.

Don't worry about it, like just weird stuff, weird stuff I don't know. Um, But so he's not he's the bad guy. And then so he he in like Langdon and Sophie have kind of like gotten away from each other, but then they crossed paths again and he's trying to get them to like solve the cryptexs and he his whole thing is he wants the secret of the Grail to be exposed. So that's why he's like obsessed with like finding the location of I don't know they're looking

for like Mary Magdalen's sarcophagus. I don't even know what's happening. I don't even know what. And then Robert Langdon it's at the right. That also made no sense to me. I'm like, so the louve is just why do they have it? What? And who put it there? I guess the priory of Scion put it there, but how did they manage that? I feel like these are questions who

that weren't intended to be asked. So then we see a scene where Silas accidentally shoots Alfred Molina but he survives, so it's okay, yes, but Silas guess what he dies? He dies? And then um, let's see okay, So this is where Lee finds Sophie and Langdon again, and he's holding them at gunpoint trying to make them open the cryptechs and then Robert breaks it on purpose, knowing that it's going to destroy whatever's inside, but he knows what

the Da Vinci code is K and and right. I didn't even I'd like skipped over the whole Apple thing in I was like, this is too preposterous. I can't even include It's the most important part of the movie. When Tom Hanks turns away from where Audrey tattoos in the middle of being damseled root of him. Right, he turns around, envisions the solar system, figures out the da Vinci code was Apple. They smashes the da Vinci code just in case it wasn't Apple, and he doesn't want

to embarrass himself. That was I I think that Audrey Tattoo should have been like she seems okay, Like she seems just like kind of like not invested enough in what's going on, as even though it's like it's theoretically she's got the most on the line here, she seems kind of indifferent towards a lot of the events of the movie. When he smashes the da Vinci code. Later, she's just like, why did you smash the da Vinci code? I was like, dude, like Jesus's map was in there,

Like why are why do you care so little? It's just like her character is just so underwritten that she's like, why why would you smash a da Vinci code. He's like, while it was Apple, and she's like, you're so smart, like so the da Vinci code is Apple? Question. Also, there's just really bad storytelling here where somehow, I mean everywhere in this movie, but yeah, here, especially where the police come in and arrest Lee because Fash had figured

out that he's the bad guy. And I don't remember exactly how that happens, but they know that Lee is bad, so they arrest him. And as he's getting arrested, he like somehow realizes that Langdon had figured out the cryptics and he's like screaming about He's like, you figured it out,

that's awesome, good for you. So he's like carrying on as he's getting arrested, which spoils what should have been a reveal that yes, he did figure it out and he had he did know that it was Apple, and he had taken the map out like it was a lucky guess. I still think it's a really lucky guess, because there's no way I just have call me a da Vinci truther. But I just think he would have thought it out more than Apple in in modern English.

But it doesn't make sense. Well, I think that is like Son was the one who devised that cryptex, because they've got to like figure out like as the secret gets passed on down the centuries, not not to be a defender being Apple. I'm actually fully defending this choice. I think it's brilliant. I think the clue of like fleshy, red seated womb equals apple. That's a perfect clue. The more you think about the da Vinci could being apple,

the worth a grocer, it gets yes. Anyway, so the reveal gets spoiled that in fact, Langdon did solve the cryptics and he took the map out, and the map is just another clue which leads them to Roslyn Chapel, which is this like Church of Many Faiths built by the Priory of Scion or something. And then they find this secret room with a bunch of documents about the Grail, and Langdon discovers that Son was not actually Sophie's grandfather. He was just protecting Sophie because she is the Holy Grail.

She is the heir of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene. At this point, I'm just like, who cares, not Sophie, So why should I care? Sophie literally could not react less to being Jesus's niece. It's so she she just once again, it's like it can't be. I'm like, you're in the National Treasure Basement, like what is what are you talking about? She's so just We're getting nothing from her. Nothing. What if you if you thought out you were Jesus's

biological niece, you would react, Yeah, one would. I wouldn't say nothing. Everyone react a little different, but I wouldn't say nothing. And god, God, so frustrating. I'm like, she really, she really just said huh okay me but I'm so boring, and it's like, you're not wrong there. So then meanwhile, all all of the priory of scion has gathered because they live a half hour away or something, yeah, and they're like, Hi, sophieze, we've known who you were this

whole time. And then her grandmother is there? Is that her biological grandmother? I don't know. I was really unclear in that. I'm like, is that Jackson's wife or is that her biological because they were like, oh, Sophie is the only living person, and I'm like, but wait, what about that lady? Yeah, we don't know. She doesn't have her womb doesn't work anymore, so she's rendered obsolete. I guess who doesn't give a ship either way. Sophie. She

doesn't ask a single question. She just goes, oh, what a day, What a day I'm having? Like, yeah, gosh, okay, so then Robert Langdon and Sophie say goodbye. But later Langdon's like, hang on, Mary Magdalen's sarcophagus wasn't there? Where was it? The mystery still isn't He reads his own book again, reads his own book to find the answers, and he's like, bloodline Rose, line Rose, what does it

all mean? And then he realizes sarcophages rocks, ranks socks and then I'm just like, I don't think he figured anything out. I think he just stumbled around guess an old library. And then he's like, I can't believe Mary Magdalen's buried at the louver, Like what are a perfect ending shot? Though so expensive looking? So yeah, so he goes to he realizes somehow that Mary Magdalen's sarcophagus is under the louver or like somewhere in the loop. I don't know, and then he kneels down and he prays,

and that's the end of the movie. Questions, No, it made total sense to me. I this movie is hilarious, Like there's just it's just so expensive it wants you

to think it's It's like, I don't know. It is like fun to watch a movie that really thinks it's doing something, you know, and it's like so like sweeping and engaging, and you know that people really liked it when it came out, and then there was like, I mean, there was such a huge controversy around this movie and everyone was like, you know, but but then you watch

it and you're like, this is ridiculous. I wanted to start by I want to just kind of uh start by talking about how albinism is portrayed in this movie and many so that's I think one of the biggest missteps in the I mean just the story as a whole, because I know that that is I believe Cannon to the book as well. Yes, I believe so so um

so yeah. I mean there is just a very traceable history of, um not just prejudice against albino people, but prejudice against albinism in movies specifically and using albinism as a shorthand for demonizing a character. I have an article that came out at the time this movie was released in summer two thousand and six. It was in Shadow Penn State News. I found that one as well. I thought, you know, it's it's it's kind of a cursory or review, but kind of gives you a short history of villains

who are albino in movies. There's also, I mean, I think it's it's worth saying that there is part of the reason this shows up in movies a lot is because there has been prejudice that has been extremely violent towards albino people from all over the world for like hundreds of thousands of years. There were people who were sent to prison for hunting albino people as recently as

two thousand and nine. Like it is like a very very pervasive prejudice that is really really rarely discussed, and it's very present in this movie through the character of Silas, who is played by Paul Bettany, who we know is not an albino person. So I just wanted to read a quote from this piece from the Penn State News to kind of open the discussion. It's from Marybeth Oliver, who is a Penn State professor and talks about the

psychological effects of media. Basically breaks down that a lot of albino stereotypes are connected to vampires, going back as far as nose furraw too, and just associating paleness and like really really light pigmentation of the eyes, of the hair, and of this skin, with zombies, with vampires, and just

with inherent badness. So and and uh, the article kind of goes down to and Silas in the Da Vinci Code is kind of the most recent version of this prejudice seeping into a villain because it is in no way necessary to Silas's character for him to be an albino character. He is a religious extremist with a traumatic pass that can be literally anybody. So the choice for him to be an albino character an extremely underrepresented population

in movies is really intentional, you know. And so uh, Mary Beth Oliver says, quote to portray any group as one dimensional is a problematic thing, even if negative portrayals are infrequent. If it's the case that every time albinos are depicted it's negatively, then the images become connected. Demonization of any group runs the risk of affecting us in ways we might not be aware of. Um and then kind of notes that Silas is uh symptomatic of this prejudice,

but is in no way singular. This is like a very distinct media trend that is like very rarely discuss Yes, indeed, UM.

I did a little bit of research on this as well and wanted to share something I found from the Tri City Herald shout out UM so this was published in It talks about a study from the University of Texas that examined heroes and villains the top ten heroes and villains from the a f i S Greatest Heroes and Villains list and found that sixty percent of the villains had some form of skin disease and none of

the hero none of the heroes did. So just like extending beyond Albanism, there's like a just a huge We've talked about this before in terms of like disability often being ascribed to villains absolutely and then therefore demonizing disability UM and then quote. The study also mentions the widespread trope of the evil albino, in which TV shows, movies, and other media treat albino characters as untrustworthy, ill intentioned,

and villainous. According to the National Organization for Albanism and hypo Pigmentation, sixty eight movies released between nineteen sixty and two thousand six feature evil albino characters, with a large portion of those coming after the year two thousand. UM it talks about how this movie was protested by the National Organization for Albanism and hypo Pigmentation, but you know, the filmmakers still made the choice to include this trope.

And this is a quote from Michael McGowan, the president of NOAH at the time that he did an interview with the Associated Press in the earlier mid two thousand's said, quote, the problem is that there has been no balance. There are no realistic, sympathetic or heroic characters with Albanism that you can find in movies or popular culture. So it's the same end quote. So it's the same thing that we see all the time with villains being mothered in some way that ends up being very toxic and harmful

for people, an extremely marginalized group. And it's I mean, and on top of that, I mean, in the in the same way that we've been having ongoing conversations about how disabled characters and and just are are very rarely played by actors who have that disability. And Paul Bettany is a wonderful actor, but certainly cannot speak to that experience. And it's just it couldn't be more obvious in the context of this movie that albinism is used to other

this character. It is used to make the character look different from other people and to some extent like justify, well, oh, they look so different from what I'm used to. Of course, they're not going to be the good guy in this movie. And it's it's it's so it's really I mean, I think that this is the first time we've talked about

it extensively on this show. But it is like such uh longstanding issue, and there are still not like, I mean, I can't think of like an extremely successful albino actor, even though there are you know, many who are working and so yeah, I don't know, I mean this, yeah, it's just for me. It's like the worst part of the movie by a long shot. And what will link in the description of the episode some resources where you

can learn more as well. Yeah, I mean that's where it's just there's absolutely no argument to be made by perpetuating this stereotype in two thousand and six in a way that like it couldn't be less necessary. This is a religious extremist character. You don't need to marginalize a community to get across that religious extremism is not good. Like, it's just so absurd that it's uh, it's it's really

upsetting to watch. And then similarly, one of the other characters who ends up being a major villain the t being a k Ian McKellen is a character with a physical disability. He uses canes and they like repeatedly refer to him jokingly as he, oh, he's a cripple, and like everyone is like may being fun of his and it's like you can still see it's it's being done for this very unnecessary, ablest narrative reason. It's like, oh, we need to make him look, you know, harmless, So

what will we do. Let's give him a disability And it's like that is just I mean it we talked about it a lot, but it's just it's so harmful and lazy. It's really it's it sucks. And then also that you see like him like pushed around while he's navigating with canes and just like it's it's so it's just so aggressively unnecessary. That is trash. It is simply trash, and we do not like it. Um but wait, there's

more more that we don't like. I mean, we we already started to kind of get it that like let's just get like we're going to get all the like truly harmful evil ship out of the way, and then we're just gonna dunk on the Da Vinci code. But yeah, I mean, the this movie's view of valuing and respecting women is so fucking goofy. It's it's for I mean, it's extremely siss normative, where it's like, well, the reason that Mary Magdalene is important is because of like her womb.

I'm like, it's just like creepy, turfy language. And then on top of that, it's like I feel like we're supposed to believe that Robert Langdon and like what Lee t being are like feminists because they acknowledged a woman's existence, Like it's just so bottom of the barrel. And then even but even so, it's like, well, of course we valued her because she was as a wife and a mother,

but we acknowledged that she was a real person. And also, don't say she's a sex worker because I like that, and like that offhand comment of like Ian McKellan being, you know, horrified that it was suggested that Mary Magdalen was a sex worker, which, as we I mean, it's just another extremely marginalized and stereotyped community in film, and it's just God, I'm like, this is this the feminism

you ordered? I guess this is Bush administration. Feminism is so a man, a man screaming at you that it's okay to be a wife and a mother, Like shut up. A huge component of this movie is like the symbology surrounding Oh, this symbol equals male, and this symbol equals female, and Holy Grail equals woman's womb and is as you said,

just like reductive, insist normative. And but the characters are presenting this information as if they're like, actually, it's awesome that the Holy Grail is Mary Magdalen's womb and her bloodline. And it's and it's because of the church hated women and they and they burned witches at the steak. But women are actually cool because of their ability to have

sex with men and give them children. It's so it's it's like just so frustrating that they're like, this is what women this mel Gibson thought he knew what women wanted. This is what women want to be called God. It's obviously we say this all the time too. It's like no disrespect to like people who have babies and people who give birth like amazing, keep it up if you want to write. But yeah, it's just like the most basic, reductive,

incorrect way to define. It's just so annoying. They don't say anything about Mary Magdalene except that she was a wife, a mother and moved to France, like and not a sex worker. And on top of that, this kind of like dovetails into what there is to discuss about Sophie. It's like they're just talking at a woman the entire movie who is Like again, it's it's kind of I don't I guess it's the opposite of a Mary Sue.

I don't, it's a it's a Susan Marie, where where we're presented with a woman who should know how to do a lot of things but is not allowed to do anything. Like we meet Sophie as like a well respected cryptologist. I kind of like how she's introduced. She enters very authoritatively, She's like, I am Sophie, I am a cryptologist. Everyone takes her very seriously, like it's immediately she's in control of the situation. She gets a little code across to Langdon and yeah, I thought it was

generally kind of a strong introduction to that character. But then it's just like she proceeds to contribute nothing to the story, not seem to really care what's going on in this story, even though it very much concerns her, like and it's just like she she's she's damseled several times, even though usually when she's damseled, she's damseled first, but then everyone's damseled and you're just like, okay, what It's

just there's just like we find out. I mean, I guess the things I can say about her are I love Audrey Tattoo. She's great. We do know more I think about, like Sophie's background than we know about Robert Langdon's. Like all we really know about Robert Langdon as he teaches at Harvard and he fell in a well true, but I would argue that a lot of like men who are writing a female, like a strong female character, well,

she's defined by her trauma exactly. It's like a character who has a tragic backstory and then it has turned them into this kind of like stoic, almost cold, emotionless personality. Lists is that even what she's supposed to be coming off as like, it's so uncure how we're supposed to be receiving her, because there's just nothing. It's just I just woke, I just woke flee up with my screaming about the Da Vinci code. But yeah, I mean, she just like she's devoid of any kind of personality, humor,

emotion of any kind. Nothing. She's like, I hate history. I was like, but what do you like? Like, do you even like breaking codes? It sure doesn't seem that way, right because you don't have any You don't seem to be able to do it, because we don't see you do it at any point, except she knows that PS equals Princess Sophie I'm which is like, well, if we're I guess while we're in the reductive zone, why not Like I'm gonna I'm gonna try to coin this. She's

a full on Susan Marie. She should know how to solve a number of problems that are going on in this story were introduced to her as a person who is extremely qualified to solve this, but instead of her solving anything, we are just introduced by Robert Langdon to other characters who should be able to break a code and it's like, but she's right there, like it's it's so and it is like doubly frustrating to me that she just doesn't even seem interested in codes, And it's like, well,

if you're not interested in codes, why were we introduced to you as a code expert? Like if she was just I would I would feel less insulted by this choice. Honestly, if she was just like a regular person, she's like, I don't know. I own a I own a plant shop. I don't know about this, Like that would make more narrative sense, given how little she does, if she had no expertise in this, but we're told she has extreme expertise.

And then she's just like I don't know. Like when Ian McKellan has a gun to her head and he's like, what the da Vinci code, she's like, I d K, I d K my bff gill, I guess he'll just have to kill me, and like she doesn't even try. She hasn't think for a second about what the da Vinci code might be. She doesn't seem to care, like it's just so bizarre. And then when they're like looking at all the invisible ink scrawled all over the floor, and he's like, wait a minute, the Fibonacci sequence, they're

out of order. Maybe that's a clue that the letters are out of order. And she's like, oh, an anagram. And then, rather than trying to solve an anagram as a fucking cryptologist, she's like, shrug, can you do it? Robert, and he's like, you bet you then, and then he iconically says moons, sermons, charms, demons, sermons, monks. He's has servants twice, also monks, ranks, rocks, like at least Robert

Langdon for someone who is not a cryptologist. Uh, seems drisketed in breaking coach like it's even though he clearly sucks at it. And he thought that Da Vinci Coulde was Apple, which I am increasingly convinced it was not. Okay, here's another thing I'm I'm realizing in real time here, so bear with me. But okay, okay, So Sen what's is his name? Sennier? I don't I don't know how French Jacqueslier I feel. I also think that Dan Brown.

Maybe I'm totally right if we have French matrons. Uh, please correct me if I'm wrong, But it does just sound like Dan Brown is writing down the most French names he can think of. Like he's like, um, Jacques Soldier, sure, yeah, print it. I'm a billionaire. Now watch my master class. I'm going to watch his masterclass and he's going to talk have a four am and eat spinach, and I'm gonna turn it off and then you're going to be the most successful writer of all time, Jamie. Um. Okay.

So Jacques, who we learned through flashbacks, has been training Sophie to break codes and follow clues and like he's been like prepping her for her entire life for this kind of thing. But she cares, which she doesn't care. And he has so little faith apparently that she will be able to solve any of this stuff that he explicitly tells her find Robert Langdon, even though he is not a cryptologist and is not an expert in deciphering code.

I was kind of wondering that, like why, because Robert Langdon himself says, I don't know why I would be the person to go to, right But this the entire plot of this movie hinges on the fact that a man had so little faith in a woman to be able to propel the story forward that he's like, Okay, woman who I know, find this man over here because he'll be able to help you. Okay, But also canonically it was he wrong. It wasn't like Sophie could solve any of the codes. He solves zero of the codes.

She just knew that one thing had a code inside of it. True, But that is just because the writing is such dogshit. Well yeah, like of course it's it's because Dan Brown doesn't actually care about women, Like that's obvious. But like in the Cannon, it makes total sense to me that Chaque Sag would have very little faith in Sophie's ability to solve this code because she doesn't solve

a single code. And the movies four hours long. I'm also realizing I have all these notes saying Robert and Sophie, Robert and Sophie, Robert and Sophie, and I'm like, literally Robert Evans and Sophie was literally our friends. I wrote it down five hundred times last night, and I literally at one point like, this feels weird. I feel like I've written this before. Uh because wait, wait, what if that's of my closest friends. Wait a minute, just saying

what if that's code. What if the movie is trying to tell us something about friends Robert and Sophie. I hope not. Let's just say, as someone who really detests both of these characters, I hope not. I hope. Oh my god, that's so funny, though. They should. They should start in our reboot. Yeah, yeah, absolutely, Robert and so except this time Sophie does know how to do things and Robert isn't. He's just carrying guns around. Yeah, he just has he doesn't really, Yeah, he just has the

He's kind of the muscle of the operation. Um, I don't know who Ian McKellen is in this situation. We'll figure it out. Let's think on it. But um, yeah, to kind of go back to just like a lot of this plot is men explaining things to women. This happens a lot in a lot of movies across many genres, where it's like basically a storytelling device, and I think I think it actually um composes like the vast majority

of human interaction. I've had so many things that I already know explained to me by men and it doesn't come from nowhere, right, Um, So what happens here with this kind of trope even is that there's a story that requires a lot of like world building or exposition, and the writer needs to figure out a way to get this across clearly to the audience. So what they usually do is pull in a character, like, you know, an audience proxy who the other characters can explain things too,

so that the audience can get this information. What usually happens, or what often happens, is that this character is like the only woman or one of only a very few number of women in the story. I remember talking about this in the Casino Royale episode. This happens in Laura Croft, this happens literally. I mean, I think it's like honestly part and parcel to every genre, but it's like it's

prevalent in the action genre, like action sci fi. Yeah, world building genres especially, and I think that it has a lot to do with I would guess that genres that people assumed for a very long time that men are the main audience for this genre, that it features a lot of men talking at women, right, And it's just like it's just a it's a trope that operates under and reinforces the assumption that like women don't know things, women don't know as much as men. Women aren't smart.

Men are smart. Men need to explain things to women, and like that is just like such a widely held belief still, particularly by men. But this one is like even it just feels like a very weird mutation of that trope because it's men talking at women, not just about anything. Of this is how spaceship work, this is how computer work, or like extremely binary assumptions of like men know about this thing, women know about this thing.

These are men who are talking about women a woman like it's it's like worse than the normal one because like it's all bad, but it's especially annoying to hear men explain women to them Like that is just like what are you doing? Like the room couldn't be less

read in this scenario. There's at that scene is fucking twenty minutes long where they're explaining birth and marriage and like just and what aren't they explaining about sis women to us this woman who's sitting right there, Like it's just so And then it just means that like because the two men already know things about this and they formed their own theories, they get to like debate and like actually have a discussion, whereas Sophie is just talked

at and explained to. And it's just but again, the thing is, like Sophie should be able to engage with this discussion to some extent based on what we know about her. She just the writer's Dan Brown slash the guy who wrote this movie. Don't let her. That's why it really bothers me. Is like we have been told that she has a level of knowledge that at least, even if she doesn't know jack shit about the Bible,

she is a cryptologist. She's a very critical thinker, Like she would be able to engage with this conversation actively, even if she wasn't the expert on the subject, she would at least be able to intelligently interact with this topic. But she just doesn't. She just say they don't just make her sit there and like be like, huh what,

That's not what I heard. And then I cut to Audrey Tattoo, who like wakes up from the nap she was taking because she hasn't they haven't put a camera on her in fourteen hours, and she goes that can't be or she goes like but wait, or like Ian mceellan, like multiple with that scene asks her questions that he knows the answer to that he knows she doesn't know the answer to, and then she will answer it wrong, and then I'll be like ha ha ha ha, No,

you fool, it's Mary Magdalene and she's your mom. And then you're just like, oh my god, this is exhausting. It also makes you wonder why Jacques would not tell Sophie anything about her true identity or her history. Like it's not like she's too young. She's like in her thirties. It's not like, oh, I couldn't tell her she was only you know, she's ten years old. She couldn't handle

the truth. Yet it's like, no, she's like she's thirty three years And I think the movie tries to like explain this, this story of the book whatever, tries to explain this away by like saying, oh, no, they lost touch. But why would the grand Master of the Priory of Scion let that happen, let himself lose touch with the last living air of Jesus if his whole thing is protecting this air, Like he literally had one job. He had one job and then he like, I just it's

so funny. I would love not the let's scale that down. I think it would be really funny, like the amount started to go back to the whole, like invisible ink in the loop, But how long must it have taken? Like and you never see you see? I think I mean were to assume all of the invisible ink he had on hand when he died at the louver. But his his hand never falters. It's all in the same fond. It's all in like comics hands b and he just

is like whoop, whoop, whoop. He's doing like anagrams in his head as he's like bleeding out from his stomach like god the okay, yes, so ultimately the point So and we didn't Caitly and I agreed, we're not going to get into the extreme sexism in Catholicism or organized religion in any way because it is just too vast and we wanted to have fun today. Okay, But I do feel like Dan Brown uses extreme misogyny in organized

religion to make his misogyny look not that bad. I feel like he kind of offsets it, like any time he is there's like a scene of a woman being talked over, ignored, whatever, it's you know, a crime against women that is far more violent. Is like invoked almost as if to say, like, sure, I'm an asshole to women, but I wouldn't murder one in the Holy Wars. Like it's just kind of this weird equivalent. I wouldn't burn

a witch at the steak for free like that. It's just yeah, I think he again, I just really think he thinks he's doing something. Um when it's like a tattoo has is technically in the scene, but she hasn't had a line of dialogue in minutes. Um, it's just ridiculous. Yeah, this is just such a It's it's just like a female character who is couldn't be more important to the

story and couldn't be worse written, less engaged. But I feel like it's just like whatever, it's two thousand six and having a woman physically present is like we did it, you know, Like it's just so have asked and annoying. He's just right, She's just there to basically be a big reveal, Like her function in the story is to like be the twist. She's just he's just carrying around Chekhov's womb, right, So, but if that is something you

want to do in your story. Fine, I guess, but also you have to spend the rest of the story carefully characterizing her and not just like having her tag along. The other thing that really annoys me about it is that um they keep referring to once. They like they're like, yes, I guess, well, let's agree that the Holy Grail is a human as the sun, the heir to the air of Jesus. And they keep using he pronouns, you know, whoever this living air of Jesus, because because they just assume.

But it's also I think the air they can take seriously that, but it's also I think just done to like throw you off the trail of the big twist that it's Sophie. So it feels like that thing where it's like, oh, the person who was like writing that motorcycle and had a helmet on, who you thought was a man. Oh, they took the helmet off and it's actually a woman. It feels like adjacent to that, right, and then it's like end of observation. I've gotta I've

got to I've got a quote. I've got a quote. Okay, this is classic backdel cast citation process. This is the abstract of a paper I would have had to pay forty dollars to read, So I'm gonna go into the abstract. I would like to find this paper for not forty dollars. No disrespect to its author um. This was published in two eight. It is by a professor at the University of Robert UH feminist King UH by Professor Christie Maddox, and it is called the da Vinci Code and the

regressive gender politics of Celebrate Wating Women. And I really uh should read this paper because it's the abstract I feel like really concisely boils down the kind of like both nous of like them thinking they're being feminist while ignoring all female characters. So here's what Christian Maddox says. Quote. The public outcry prompted by the Da Vinci Code accused the novel of being a radical feminist text with potentially

dangerous implications for Christianity. The novel celebrates women, the quote unquote sacred feminism and quote unquote goddess worship, which on one level gives it ideological kinship with the important tradition of difference or cultural feminism. This analysis, however, argues that the novel undercuts its feminist moves through its persistent recourse to the private sphere and it's unremitting celebration of the biological. The narrative falls victim to the problem that commonly inheres

in different slash cultural feminism. It redefines the binary system of gender as well as resulting heterosexuality. Through these anti feminist impulses, the da Vinci Code makes plain that celebrating women does not always make for feminist progress. Instead, the da Vinci Code highlights the dangerous inherent in cultural slash

difference feminism. Finally situated with its religious context, the da Vinci Code demonstrates the possibility for feminisms co optation by moral reform politics, which I think is just kind of an academic way of saying like sort of what we've been circling around this whole time, which is that, you know, Dan Brown, this movie in general seems to be saying that by you know, celebrating women in any narrow, extremely sis binary way is enough of a win to call

itself a feminist text, which wasn't helped by how this movie was received because it was, you know, like denounced

by the Catholic Church. And I mean it's like I feel like we both kind of remember and like ever helps a movie ever like, But part of the ground that was banned on was like, well, they're deifying women and we don't do that in Catholicism, which is you know, true, right, but it resulted in this property being cast in this like radical feminist lens, in a property where there's only one female character who has nothing going on like at any point, and so um yeah, I wanted to shout

out Christie Maddox. I feel like she very intelligently said something that I felt strongly watching this movie, but couldn't like get into those words. It's like, it's just it just speaks to I think this bar on the floor at this time. Well, it's it's kind of operating under the same logic that like conservative like the way that the patriarchy values women, because you'll find plenty of like misogynists people out there who are like, no, I love women,

their sacred. We have to protect them because there are mothers and our wives like it's and our daughters and our daughters. And it's literally like Ted Crustyle, like I have a daughter, I cannot possibly be a bad person, Like you're just like sir, right, and it's just like operating under the same logic almost like of well, women are so special to the world because they're the ones who give life and who are wombs walking wombs, which is like no disrespect to people with whoobs that you

don't want to have babies with the whoops. It's just the reductive ism of of the thing that it just excludes so many people. And it's a god I mean, just like sciss men are never reduced to a biological function. And in this way ever, like to the point where as Robert Langdon is explaining male and female symbology to Sophie, he's like, the the the triangle that whatever, I don't even know what that symbol is, but like an upside down V. That's the symbol for man. It's a rudimentary

fallast known as the blade represents aggression and manhood. And then he's like, as you might imagine, the exact opposite of that is the female symbol, as if male and female are opposite things like that, I mean, I think, I guess, not in defense of him, but like I I do understand, like that is like a historical like that is like a symbolic thing that's existed for a long time, but he just presents it as kind of like this is a fact, right, I mean, which I

think is is extremely of the time. It's like in two thousand six, there I don't think they're I mean, there really wasn't much conversation in depth in the mainstream about challenging gender roles and like the sis binary gender

dynamic in in really any way. And I feel like that scenes like that, really it takes like an ancient symbol and obviously the further you go back, the worst gender politics grow, like, but it's still presenting it in a very matter of fact way of like, well, of course this is boy and this is the it resembles the shape of a woman's womb, and it's like, why,

why is this the way you're presenting this information. I mean, it's like it's it isn't surprising and like I didn't expect better of this movie, but it's yeah, it's it's just like it's an extremely of its time movie that like the fact that that is like a very matter of fact line dialogue delivered in a movie that is supposedly progressive on gender politics is like, well, that's all

you need to know, right, I wanted to go. We touched on this also a little bit about like the lack of romantic subplot in the story that like it almost seems like, well, maybe it was going to be there, but then and then it's just not. I think they wanted us to do a will there, won't they? But but I can't. I cannot think of a single were we really was anyone in the audience like kids, like right, I wasn't feeling that. I appreciate that they didn't force

any kind of like romantic subplot. Although there's this one moment. It's the scene where Lee he's like holding them at gunpoint and he's threatening to kill Robert Langdon, and he's talking to Sophie and he's like, oh, by the way that you've been looking at your hero, you wouldn't let

him die, would you? And I'm like, is the aplication there that like she is romantically interested in him and he's sort of like using Langdon as leverage to get what he wants, because he thinks that Sophie's in love with him. Huh. And I was like, what is what? Why is that there? I It's just like I don't

I don't want to think about it. I don't. I you you you, and the fact that we are like to I mean, yeah, it's again, it's just maybe so tired, Kaitlin that you can think about like, first of all, impossible to root for it because it's like even large age gap aside, which is another like trophy tropy trophy element of this genre, specifically action genre loves an enormous

age gap. And that is not too I want to be a little clearer on that, because I feel like there is just kind of like a general feeling that any age gap is not okay, that is not you know that that's that's not true. I mean, there's many relationships in which an age gap is present and the relationship is perfectly healthy and it's fine. And like, I don't mean to like cast that net so widely as

I think we have in the past. I just I just think that it is in this case, I think pretty clearly done because of the value that a woman's youth has on screen and how that is not as much of an issue when it comes to assist male actor, and that is I think, you know, a huge reason why we see those age gaps present is because even in two thousand six, it was only acceptable to see

a female lead in an action movie. You know, you cannot crust the age of forty or all of a sudden you need to be an Oscar winner or extremely famous, or we have a problem, and like there's just kind

of this unspoken set of rules. And then on top of that, if you're Tom Hanks and Audrey Tattoo and you have no chemistry, and part of the reason I don't I don't even want to put that on them too much because it's because they didn't write Audrey a character like maybe there would have been some chemistry between them if she had had anything to do or say

or think. Like I feel like that whole thing speaks to like a series of small issues that it's like, I mean, I think we've talked about this recently, is like we're not like completely against a romance in a movie. The romance just has to like be healthy and makes sense. Like it's really like, I mean, it is kind of a high bar. Declare just speaking from experience, but like it is not an impossible thing to be rooting for a romance in a movie, even ahead or a rim romance,

like it can be done. We've done it, maybe we'll do it again and we don't know. But but it's just the way that this is set up is like God, I mean, it's impossible to root for because we're just given nothing. We're given Tom Hanks and the expectation that we want Tom Hanks to fuck and it's like I'm just not really there, like he you know, he can mind his business, and but it's yeah, okay, that was my Jamie's a little ran no please. And to just

add to that the age gap thing. Another component of how it can become problematic is when there's like a series where we see the same male star aging James Bond syndrome, yeah, and then the female lead cast alongside him is usually different. In every movie, it's literally McConaughey ship, like they stay the same age and he stops getting over there like exactly. Yeah. We've talked about that before

on different episodes. But and it's I mean, with let me look up, what the hell is this movie called. It's Felicity. It's Felicity Jones, who is younger. So it's not Zoe Deschanel got it similar haircut. I think you were you were tricked by the haircut, because she does have bangs in this movie. But it's Felicity Jones, who is I think almost ten years younger than Audrey Tattoo. Um because the movie came out ten years later, so

they legally need to be thirty five. No matter what, even if there isn't a actual romantic subplot in a movie like this, it's still framed as like, look at these two people doing action scenes together, and they're spending a lot of time together, and they're both attractive, especially the woman that it's presented as if it is from, because if you look at the I mean even on the Da Vinci code poster on Wikipedia, I think it's

pretty unambiguously like Audrey Tattoo is like afraid impressed against Tom Hanks's chest, like you are supposed to be thinking of this as a potential for romance, Like it's pretty unambiguously like that's what you're supposed to think. And even if they don't even actually like kiss or have sex or anything like that in the story, and thank god

they don't. Just like the quest the adventure, the like close proximity they're in is just like yes, like presented, is this like sexy thing, the fact that she heals him with her christ like power, hears him of his fear of falling in a well again with her christ like hands, and you're like, I mean whatever, it's just

it's just annoying. I just I wanted to bring up that age gap thing because I I was thinking about how Florence Pew took a ton of ship and even like I was like on the wrong side of that issue originally, where like Florence Pew is dating Zac Breath, they seem to be very happy together and people were, you know, giving them a ton of ship for their being and not in faking age gap, I guess in that relationship. And she was like, I am an adult. I'm like twenty six years old. Shut the funk up,

like stay out of my life. And it's like, yeah, point take it, like live your life like it's it's just it's But in terms of like this kind of universe, I think it has I don't know, it's I feel like it's slightly it's kind of a different discussion between like people that exist in the world and are in love in the world versus a forced movie couple with absolutely no chemistry, like it's two different discussions, and we're

having the movie discussion here. And because like, at least where I usually come from is like, because a woman's youth is usually valued far beyond other qualities about them. It's just something that always pings me. And we see these trends in media of age gaps that usually have the implication of demonizing a woman aging. And you know, there's the this idea that men are allowed to age, but people only want to see women on screen who

were young. But again, it's worthwhile to examine this on a case by case basis rather than making any kind of sweeping generalizations about it. It's a fair I mean, it's a really complicated issue, and I will fully admit that I have like had kind of an unfair take uh in the past in some cases, in cases like this, I feel like it's kind of unambiguously like what the fuck? Uh. So you know, it's the da Vinci code. I don't know what we expected. The da Vinci code is Apple,

So any question none. Um. There were a few scenes where I was like, where Sophie participates in the action that I was kind of surprised. I was like, oh, she like bashes Silas's head against the ground after he attacks them at the chateau, and then later she like picks up Lee's gun after he's been disarmed. And then I was like, all right, she does that because she's

a cop, Like I forgot that. She was, like what her even background in training is because the movie cares so little about letting you know anything about her that she would like have some like combat skills and she would know how to handle a gun. But it was just like, oh, Okay, she's allowed to. She's not like fully sidelined every time. She actually does participate in some of the action. And then I was like, all right, she knows how to do that because she's like a

trained police officer anyway. So I was like, well, I guess points and then points taken back away. The other thing is that like, and this is just this is probably neither here nor there, but she is wearing high heels and a pencil skirt throughout the entire movie. And if it were me and I found myself in the middle of a Grail quest, the first thing I would do is be like, hey, can we go to a store or like to my apartment so I can change into like pants and well it's comfortable cloth. I also

like going back to the romance platform a second. The fact that we're supposed to like they have spent a maximum of thirty six hours together, Like I understand that a good old fashioned trauma bond, but it's not been that long. Yeah, I do. And I think that that is the problem you're describing is a Howard specific problem because was that not the exact same thing that came up with Bryce Dallas Howard when she was in those damn Jurassic Park movies. I didn't watch. Yes, that is

exactly it. It was like she was wearing high heels, but she was a genius scientist running from the Jurassic Park. Yeah, Like, yeah, it is kind of a similar thing where it's like again it's it's it's frustrating to me because it's like we we know as lovers of cinema. Then Audrey Tattoo is an incredibly dynamic like character actress. She can pull off a lot of looks, she can pull off a

lot of different energies. Like she's really talented and we're just thrown into like I feel bad for her watching this movie because it's just like she's just thrown into this generic ass role where it's like she's dressed generically, her character is written barely, and when it is, it's generically, and it's like, God, you were like you've been given this incredible I mean to invoke another French actress who people try to like inject into like aggro male American movies.

It's like Marianne Courtyard and Inception, where you're like, here's this enormously talented actor who is like being given just wife shit to do. It's just yeah, it's just annoying, man. It's it's like, if you want to I I resent that, Like these really talented female actors are hired because they're talented, and then they're not given anything to do that would showcase that talent in any way. It ends up making them look bad. And that's like just not fair, Like

that's such an unfair exchange to have to make. But it does feel like very often with like and this is again, this is changing over time, and it is more significant in marginalized communities. And but this exchange of like to go from like being an indie darling to being a mainstream star means that you need to kind of like sacrifice everything about yourself that was interesting and showed like that you were like this, you know, dynamic actor. Like it's just when that isn't true for for most

sis male actors. They're allowed to, you know, take the charisma that made them successful and carry it into the mainstream because that fucking makes sense. Like why would you hire a really interesting, talented actor and then give them I just don't get it. It's like, in that case, then hire fucking anybody, Hire someone who sucks it acting. You wouldn't even know the difference, you know, like it's just weird. Hire me, I suck at acting, and yeah,

but I wouldn't. You would never know because I wouldn't have to say anything. But can you wear a shoe? Like that's all used that to be able to like talk at Tom Hanks and just be like, what, No, that can't be. It couldn't be. Like it's any any you know, human person who could say it couldn't be could have played that role. So it's it's extra shitty that it took a very talented actor who deserved a meteor mainstream role and was given nothing well but anything else.

I think I've said everything that the Vinci code was ultimately, did this movie pass the excelsas I honestly, I'm going to guess no. I don't think so. I didn't forget to pay because the only other female characters who we see are like the occasional none or are there any? I really don't the fact that we're talking about women this entire movie, barely any appear. Yeah. I do not believe that this passes the Bectel test. It's what a what a stinker? Wait, I just I just googled that

this is funny. Okay, So there is this website that I don't think we've ever directly cited, even though it's hilariously perfect thing for us to talk about. It's Bectel test dot com. Uh, and it's it's a pretty I think it's kind of an old website. It looks kind of html E and then it just you can just look up the name of a movie and then people will comment whether you think it passed the Back to Tis by our Magic. I do not think it passes. But here are the three comments. Dr space Goat said this.

Dr space Goat said it passes. Sophie and Sister San Dreen the letter of which is killed off in the third of the first third of the movie, and I'm like, well, I don't know whose sister Sandrin is, so that's a no. And maybe she was credited on IMDb. I didn't hear that name spoken. But I don't think she and Sophie even do they talk to each other. She's I think she's the nun who gets killed by Silas. Uh. See the fact that we even have this question is I mean,

maybe it's another nun. Does she talk to a different nun? Sophie does talk to her grandma, who is maybe not actually her grandma, and she's like, I'm your grandma, So does I don't know? Okay, So Larissa five six five six had something to say about that. Larissa says the grandmother doesn't count as a named character. While book readers will recognize her as Marie Chauvel, she doesn't say this in the movie, and it's credited only as elegant woman at ross Lynn in the film's credits, So I'm gonna

say that doesn't count. Wow. So you know, there's a little and then there's a guy named Greg who threw his hat into the ring and said it did pass. But Okay, this is fun. Greg says Sophie and her grandmother have a conversation. In the end, it is about giving her up to Jacques Sonyer, I don't think that is really about a man. And it's like, Greg, do you hear yourself when you talk? Um? So, I'm gonna say, based on Bechtel test dot com, I can't think of

about a resource. Uh doesn't pass. I guess that's Sophie does talk to someone who identifies as her grandmother, but we only know as elegant woman at ross Lynn. Well, if we're going by my new caveat that I'm going to add into the mix from now on, which is does the interaction between women is it meaningful to the story? Could it be taken out and the story would be or feel no different? And in this case, you could

take Sophie. You could take Sophia. She could be The thing is like, ultimately Sophie could exist in the narrative and be off screen the entire movie period, and that does not bode well. Like they could be like, there's this woman named Sophie, she's Jesus's niece. I've never met her, and the movie could basically play out the same way. Yeah, more or less outside of one or two buks on the head. So uh, this for me is a no as far as passing the test um. It's also a

painfully white movie. Absolutely yes. So um, this movie sucks and I would give it. I guess, like I don't half nipples, zero nipples. I don't know, does it deserve anything. I'm giving a zero. I'm giving a zero for Hubris because it really thinks it's doing a lot and it's it's just not I'll say I love the first at last twenty minutes of this movie are just hilarious. They're

so funny. There's so much going on. You have no idea what's going on, and it's just like happening at you and you're like, like, it's it's very it's a very engaging experience because you're just like, why are they yelling at me? And they're they're like, I've got it, Moon Sun Star Isaac Newton, Like it's just it's really funny on that like it's it's hilarious, but it is. It's not doing anything for anybody. It's just it's just

a bunch of bullshit, you know whatever. Some guy that has like a christ complex made a million dollars off of it, and now we can watch his masterclass. But it's just it's no nipple. What it what? What? It's like the most reductive interpretation of women period that excludes a great many women. It's it's like defining womanhood in a very disingenuous way, which is having a womb and being married to Jesus. Well, guess what that's that's a

really weird bar to clear. Well, as someone who identifies as a womb first and second as Jesus is his wife, I take offense to that. Jamie, Well, honestly, you are the target demo. It's just a disaster. Like it's It's just it's reductive in so many ways. It's ablest. It's all white people. Really. I mean, if if I had a nipple, I would give it to that hilarious Tom Hanks, Moon Sermons, Charmed, Demon Sermons, Muggs, Rank Rocks, Madonna of the Rocks, Da Vinci. That should be on the A

five Best movie lines list. But outside of that, I just I just even if this movie is attempting to and I think it is attempting to with some success, in a very narrow amount of time attempting to include women at a fundamental level in Christianity, which is not an insignificant attempt, right, Like that is that's not the worst thing I've ever heard of. Sure, let's get women in there, let's throw a girl boss into Christianity, see

what happens. But but ultimately, I just I'm just kind of like rolling my eyes at like how much this movie thinks it's doing versus what it's actually doing, which is being really long and boring. Zero nipples. Yes, but shout out to Alfred Molina, a character who I also I think could be taken out of the movie and the movie would really be not that much different. But we're so glad that he's there. We're thrilled he's there.

He's really um he's I mean, he's great in the scenes he's in I don't know what he's sucking talking about. Like every time they brought up the name of his cult, they're like opus day and I was like, what is that? Is that like a computer but it's a group? Uh. I have no idea what he's talking about at any point, but I did love to see him, So this is weird. This is like, I mean, speaking to life of a character actor, much like Alfred Mallina is an iconic character actor.

But he's in both movies we've covered this week. Uh really not that much at all, very minimally in pretty like kind of villainous, antagonistic roles. Let Alfred Molina play the lead? Why didn't he play the lead? More? Come on? And Dad thinks he's nice? Well? Um tuned back in at some point down the road for March Fred Molina Part two, in which will cover an education as well as species. I insist I want to see Alfred willing to have sex with an alien. So no pushback here.

It's on. It's on Hulu. It's it's quite excited it's on Hulu. Are there no? Oh yeah, Oh. I thought you're like, oh yeah, there's a ton of vestors. There's nothing, but okay, I'll watch it. I'm excited, but I think as it stands, Um, first of all, to everyone, for to all over four hundred of you who voted for the Da Vinci code, I hope you're happy. I don't

know what you wanted or what you expected. We basically included the Da Vinci choked, the Da Vinci chode Okay, I've had two glasses of wine and I'm the division. That's what our reboot is called. It's called The Boy. I would say, you know, I don't know what you what what this little joke was that you were playing.

But us, it feels like the Matrons are pranking us by voting for I think I think that the Matron's historically like a movie that it seems like we'll have nothing to say about, and then we always have two hours worth of more hours worth of things to say. My little theorious people don't come to the Matreon for productive discussion. Sound off of the comments if you agree that this is where we drink wine and get confused. Uh this yeah, this movie is trash. What I think

is going to be really fun is that guaranteed? Like maybe if the if the world doesn't burnt to a crisp in ten years, um, I will watch the Da Vinci Code again in ten years and have no recollection of anything. And this is just kind of like a once a decade they weekend experience, UM, where we're like, wait, the Da Vinci Code is Apple, That's what the fuck?

And we can just have this. I think in that way it was all worth it because we just get to have this gorgeous experience of realizing that that we've been watching this long ass movie for the worst twist of all time. I'm tempted to because even though I've read the book Angels and Demons, I simply don't remember anything about it. So now I'm tempted to watch that movie and just have a similar experience Angels and Demons, April.

They don't want it. They don't want to. You know, what what if we what if we punish the if we punish the Matreon by being like, oh, you wanted the Da Vinci code, Well, now we're doing an I hope you thought that little joke was funny everybody, because we're never going to stop talking about the Robert Langdon universe. Oh my god, Robert Langdon is the most basic name for a man. There. Robert Langdon study was like just absolutely going off. Um, well, thanks for tuning in Matrons

to Alfred marsh Lena. We love you. We resent you for this one, but we love you. I'm gonna go guess what I'm about to do, Jamie read every word of Angels and Demons without pea breaks. I'm gonna sit in the bathtub for eight hours. I literally got sick. My mom was so mad at me, It's like, why are you sneezing? Was like, I didn't leave the baths up until I finished the Da Vinci. It was like the most two thousand four interaction I've ever had. That's

impressive that you read in eight hours. I don't know. I think I read like I finished it. I probably came in with it like whatever, a percentage the way and then refuse to leave until I had full on pneumonia, like well, I'm gonna I'm about to suffer the same fate. So but I want what I'm going to read it I was going to say is that I'm gonna go

eat an apple. It's better feel really symbolic. I want you to think of my womb when you you're rosy, fleshy womb, my rosy fleshy, fertile Jesus womb full of seeds. And then I want you to run. I want you to sprint. I don't want you to take a bus or an uber or I don't want you to drive. I want you to run to the louver and neil at the loom and think of my fertile womb, because that is what it's all about. That is the real apple,

the sacred feminine. Honestly, I feel like, ultimately you can get all the same story beats out of I Frankenstein and it's more fun to watch, Like the Holy Wars are. Literally it's just like the battle between demons and gargoyles. It's the same. It's all the same, and I Frankenstein is a more fun movie to watch. Justice for I Frankenstein fingers crossed for this year's Oscars, Oh gosh, Well, all right, I if I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go

laid down, lie down. I don't know. Okay, thanks everyone, Bye bye,