The Lore Keepers / 4.20 Alone Time

Good morning students and faculty of Lynbrook University. As you know, each week you're required to watch an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. This week's episode is season four, episode 20, Alone Time. Debra wants to be alone for a while. Ray Wonders why. we recommend watching the show as soon as possible to prepare for what you're about to hear. Also, the blood drive wraps up today at 3:00 PM so please drop by and do your part. We just need a few more pints to fill the dunk tank.

Got any sevens.

Go fish.

How about twelves?

Yeah, here you go.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Uh, got any? The fuck is this number? Is this a six or a nine?

That's it. That's a four.

Oh, do you got any fours?

Yeah. Here you go.

Ah, sweet.

Alex, I just gotta acknowledge it. You've put your entire college tuition on the line here, uh,

as I do.

And so far you've made one singular pair of fours. Mike,

I'm a risk taker.

I don't think you're very good at this game.

It's like Uno, you have to get rid of all your cards, right?

Yeah, no, that's, that's the right idea. Yeah.

Yeah.

You have so many, you have so many cards.

And how many do you have left?

Six.

Okay. Hey, that's six chances for glory, baby.

Mm-hmm.

All right. It's your turn now, right?

Yeah. Do you have any sixes?

Okay. Um, hang on. I have 38 cards. Five of them are either sixes or nines.

I'll take them all.

Okay. Oh yeah.

Perfect. I win,

ah, what? Yeah, that's not,

yeah. No, I only had sixes and nines left. Yeah. This is great. I will take that. Uh, thank you for the years scholarship. I appreciate this. This is, uh, this might be a learning lesson for you.

Well, jokes on you 'cause I haven't learned anything.

This is Mike's ring tone.

Oh, hey,

uh, hey Mike. Can you come outside first? I, I left my, uh, key card in my other pants and I need you to come in and let me into the building, please. To the dorm.

Yeah, no problem. You got it.

Thank you.

So hold on, I'm just gonna shovel all this into the backpack. Alright, I'll be right back. Adam's outside.

Okay.

Yeah.

And while he's gone, maybe I have that chance to do that embarrassing thing I like to do when no one else is around.

What was that?

Here we go.

Huh? What's that?

You didn't leave yet?

No, I'm walking to the door. I'm not

No, you made a lot of money. Don't worry about it. I'm not doing anything. And now that he's gone. Me, I amm able to Mike go away. I'm conniving.

Yeah, but you're doing it very loudly. I just, yeah,

they're really giving me a hard time. You gotta come down here quick.

And now that he's distracted, I can continue to talk about the con.

Alex, I can still,

no, you can't hear me.

Alright. Alright. Uh, Alex, just hang on for the embarrassing thing. We'll be up in second.

I'm not gonna connive and I'm not gonna do anything embarrassing.

Alright. All right. Alright. I'm gonna reach towards the doorknob

and now that he's gone I can do some,

I'm still here. Still right here.

Will you leave?

Alright. Goodbye.

Jesus. God. God.

And now that he's gone, thank you for coming to get me. They, we ended up really bonding me and the security guards. It was, yeah. You, we bonded mainly over, um, you and what a fool you are. But, uh,

yeah,

yeah.

No, that's, that's to how adult friendships work. I, I, my understanding is Yeah.

Is there, sorry. Is there a reason we're lingering outside of the door? Like just grab the knob and, and open it?

I'm very scared.

Why

of, because as soon as I open this, I know you're gonna want to go see the embarrassing thing that Alex is doing in your room. And I don't think that I'm ready for this. Hello?

And now that they can't hear me, I could Oh, sorry. I butt dialed you,

Alex.

Sorry,

Alex. Alex,

ignore that. Don't worry about that.

All right. Mike just opened the door. All right. We're I, I really, I want to go inside. I'm tired. I've had a long day. Just,

I'm not sure what we're gonna, what we're gonna see in there. Yeah, I'm, I'm kind of kinda curious.

Yeah. I don't really care. I mean, he can't be doing anything that weird.

Okay.

Uh, uh, Hey, Hey, Alex. What are you, what are you do? Why is the, we're, did, did the furniture move in here with

nothing. Oh. Oh. Hey guys.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What were you doing in there? It sounded like you were pretty busy.

Normal stuff. Normal things. Sex with a woman. She left. Oh. Jumped out the window. Uh, how are you?

I, she did. We could have said hi. I mean,

no, I think it's better. I'm, I'm with Alex on this one. Any like opportunity for a woman to leave the room without interacting with you? Mike is probably a, probably the best move.

My mom says I'm very handsome. I don't know why you guys keep saying that.

And yet when did she say that, Mike? On her way out the window.

Yeah. When she's eloping with Rudy.

Oh, they got back together.

Yeah. Unfortunately.

Let's keep talking about this.

Yeah, I think moved on.

I'm happy that we, we moved on.

I think there's moved a more pressing thing here. I feel like I heard a U-Haul being, we were only gone for about like a minute and a half. Alex, how did

Oh, yeah. Adam, did you hear that? Mike stole all my money. Let's talk about that instead.

Mike, come on.

I didn't, I didn't steal it. I won it. But that's not as important here as, as. Okay. Alex, are you gonna tell us what's going on in our dorm? We share a space. We, we, we gotta know what's happening.

Yeah, the coffee table has definitely moved. Alex,

oh, sorry. Here, there we go.

Thank you.

I,

that's better.

I, I think you guys are outta line here. I, I need my own space to do my totally, uh, normal things that I do when you guys are not here

having sex with a woman, et cetera.

Yeah. E every time you're here, I, I feel like I can't, uh, fully unleash the beast. Um, no. And just, yeah. I, I need, uh, I need, I need my own space.

I so wanna ask what that means, but I'm, you're right, Alex. You're right. You do need your own space and it, I. I think what we would ask is just, you know, the common area, respect the common area in particular, the placement of the furniture. I can't, I don't know if you can tell, I'm really bothered by that because I, oh, actually I spent a lot of time with the Fab Five. They came in here, we did a whole thing.

I was there. It was awesome.

Antoni taught me how to make spaghetti. Tan bought me this shirt. Of course it's tan. So just, you know, like, yes, I hear what you're saying. We'll respect, uh, your need for alone time. And what do you need? Do you want us to go out for the afternoon or something?

If you wouldn't mind, give mind. Uh, I, I just need to catch my breath and then I'll, uh, finish up, uh, hanging out on the couch and doing nothing. I just need some quiet time.

So what do you think, two hours, three hours, four hours, five hours?

Yeah. Like, yeah, seven hours is

good. Seven hours.

I was, I was thinking 20. Minutes, but Okay. We can,

all right, let's meet in the middle. Six and a half hours. I think that's reasonable.

All right.

All right.

Um, I'm just gonna grab a couple of things from my room and,

uh, my, I'll get them. What do you need?

Uh, you know, just like my, uh, laptop charger.

Laptop, yeah. I got your laptop. Here you go. There we go.

Well I do need the charger? I, I have the lap. Just I, the charger.

Of course. The charger.

This is your laptop. So I just need the charger.

No, I'm just, lemme clean yours off real quick. There you go. There's your laptop.

I'm just gonna need my water bottle from over there.

Your wa of course. Your water bottle that still has water in it. Definitely. Here you go. Uh, just maybe don't drink it. Um, is that all?

Uh, I need some. Uh, okay. Look, this is a little embarrassing. Um, there was free chili on campus today, and so I, I kind of need some like, uh, flushable wipes.

Wipes. Okay. It's in the closet. Uh, can you guys look the other way for a second?

Sure. Hey, look, uh, this is this roach new Mike? Has he been here before? Yeah, I think, no, no.

Yeah, that's kevin.

That's Ted.

He's cool. Oh.

Oh, it's, that's, that's Kevin?

Yeah. Ted has a friend. Uh, no. They, they're, they're cool.

Could you go get Ted?

Ted? There he is.

Thanks Ted

Skitter sound effect.

All right. Go away Ted. Dude, we'll see you next month.

And you gave him the rent, right?

Uh, yeah. Ted's our landlord.

Yeah.

I forget sometimes 'cause we're so close.

So, so wipes.

Yeah. Right here. Here you go.

Okay. Oof.

There's like three left. Perfect.

Wasn't this a new pa? Oh. Oh, okay. I mean, three should be enough.

Hey Mike, why don't you buy Adam some dinner with, uh, your money now that, 'cause you have all that money now.

Oh, that's right. I probably could do that. Um, could I, could I borrow some money?

He just took my life savings.

Yeah. Well, I put it all in the Knicks. Okay. Like,

okay, fine. Whatever.

When?

here. Here's 10 bucks.

Thank you. FanDuel. FanDuel. You can bet anywhere, anytime

with cash?

Yeah.

Alright, I think I've got everything I need. My laptop charger and some flushable wipes. Mike, you've got your water bottle and $10. I think we should be, we should be set.

I mean, I would also love to, I'd love if we could grab the grand piano from the corner.

Okay. Bye.

Oh, it's a beautiful day, isn't it, Mike?

Yeah. Yeah. No, sunny 60. Sunny 60. It's not, uh, it's, it's great. Not cloud in the sky. Yeah.

Is that what you're calling the decade of your life that you're in, your sunny sixties?

You'll never know how old I am.

Some idea. Um, what do you wanna do? Do you wanna go? Uh, I heard that.

I wanna find out what Alex is doing in the room, if I'm being honest with you. Yeah,

Mike, I, I don't think we, that's kind of personal, isn't it? He's, he's asking for privacy and we should

No, you're right.

Give him privacy. I, I, for one respect that I think this

is just like, we've done so many crazy things together. Like, I mean, not for nothing, but like when Alex takes a shit, he leaves the door open. Like he, I don't know what privacy he could need that like, he hasn't already surrendered to us

surrendered, interesting choice of words. I feel like, um, I am gonna just leave him to it and you know, he may Shit with the door open, Mike.

Yeah.

He's not making you look, you don't have to watch.

He makes so much noise.

Well, you know, headphones.

I, I gotta put on headphones with you. I feel like it's a performance, if I'm being honest with, and I'm, I'm sorry. I'm getting off topic. You're right, you're right. Alex is, Alex is our friend. He wants alone time. He, I am sure he put a sock on the door, I'm sure. Yeah, I'm sure it's sure it's fine.

Okay. What do you wanna do with the next six and a half hours? I heard that the Spring Carnival mm-hmm. Is, has, you know, kicked off on campus.

Oh, okay.

Um, do you wanna go wait in the line for that?

Uhhuh?

I hear that they've got a bit of a freak show.

Ooh,

at our college Spring Carnival. It's not like games and rides and stuff. It's like nightmare alley. Like, um, there's a freak show. Uh, do you know what a geek is?

Do you mean like a guy that's into Star Wars?

No, I mean, like, somebody who's addled with methamphetamines, who bites the head off a chicken. That's a real thing that used to be at the circus.

What the f what?

Do you wanna go look at that?

What do you

They've got it.

They've got it?

That's pretty much all they've got is the geek. And then I think, I think there's something to do with the donkey, but We'll, we'll have to go check it out.

Does the guy bite the head off the donkey?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe that's like act two after the intermission.

That's, that's insane.

Let's go!

Yeah, Alex would enjoy it too. I'm gonna go grab, gonna go grab.

Okay, well, uh, uh, Mike, but it hasn't been six and a half hours yet. Mike Sprints back to the dorm room and, uh, he got, gets into the vestibule. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on buddy. Hold on.

Hey, bud. Hey. Well,

you gotta swipe in. You got your card? You gotta swipe in. Yeah. Did you remember your card right here?

Yeah, I got, I got, I got the card.

Hey, is this guy trying to, to break through?

Yeah, he's trying to force his way in, denise. Let me see the card, son.

Yeah, right here. It's my student ID.

Remember the vestibules for the best of you'll,.

What does that mean?

That's what it says on the sign.

Yeah, I see the sign. I'm confused by the meaning.

A classic motivational poster. It's an albatross with a black border around it, and underneath it says the vestibules for the best of you'll..

I don't like the cut of this guy's. jib,. Jim,

uh, you don't need to. My dorm's that way.

Did you cut your hair?

Yeah,

it looks good.

Thank you. Denise,

did you get the face tattoos lasered off

What?

The face tattoos right here that say fuck uh, Pelosi. Did you get those lasered off?

That was, uh, that was, I

Usually it's good when you have a face tattoo with words to get some symmetry in the number of letters that are on either side of your face. I don't know why you thought you should like, break off Pelosi on the left side. Like FUCK space. P-E-L-O-S. I like that's I if you're taking notes, I'm glad you got 'em lasered off. 'cause frankly your face tattoo sucked. And are, you're dying your hair now obviously. 'cause you're full gray in this.

I'm start. Yeah.

Are you in your, hey, one man of a certain age to another? Are you in your sunny sixties?

You don't. You're, that is personal information that you don't get to know. And also also

birthday on the card, which is of course August..

Nope. Gimme that. Gimme that.

He forced his way through. Denise, stop him.

Hey, we got August. That piece of lore has been unlocked.

No, no. You'll never know. I'm not a Leo.

We are the lore keepers. Give us the information.

Yeah. As Mike Sprints out of the vestibule, um, Denise and Jim turn towards each other and they raise the hoods of their cloaks.

Jim, let me ask you something.

Yeah.

We see that guy every day.

Mm-hmm.

Are we ever gonna stop doing this to him?

Not until we find out what his goddamn birth year is.

Damn right. We're not.

We Denise, let's hold our palms together. And repeat the sacred oath. Yes, do it. Denise, hold up your palm to the camera. Do it. Thank you. We are the lore keepers. We will establish specifics that we will remember.

Remember,

for every episode

for everybody. Everybody. Every episode. Yes.

Of the podcast.

Podcast.

Break!. Go Team.

Uh, we see that the spell has been cast. Sparks fly from the, from the hands of the lore keepers as various images In these sparks, we see various images of, uh, of Mike being chased by the French people with the guillotines, the impractical Jokers falling off the Tower of Babel. We see, we see a transformer looking thing flying through the Raycreational vehicle, uh, as they, uh, take their big book and start chugging out.

There's no way they're improvisers. This is way too well planned out.

It's so tightly written.

It all makes too much sense. If you ask me, something's awry.

All right? So all I, I mean, I I can't just burst in there. I, I all. I remember this is the spy gear that they gave away in the McDonald's Happy Meal toys, advertising, spy Kids three game over. I knew it was gonna be useful.

We cut to Mike, um, who is currently in his sunny sixties at McDonald's when Spy Kids three came out about 15 years ago. Uh, so we've got a 45-year-old man at McDonald's. Okay, uh, next.

You don't know that

next.

Hi, how you doing?

Welcome to McDonald's.

Oh, thank you. Uh, could I do a, uh, six piece, uh, McNugget Happy Meal?

Can I see your id?

Why? Why do you need my id? I.

It is just, we've had a, you know, gotta make sure you're not on some kinda list, you know, we've done it through the system.

I'm not a list. I'm not on a list.

Look,

even, even if I, and even if I was on a list, why do you, you don't, it's not illegal

sweetheart.

Get to get a happy meal,

sweetheart. We get middle aged men coming in here all the time, ordering happy Meals with the illest of intentions.

What Ill intentions could you have with the Happy Meal? It's a box with a smiley face on it.

I don't know, but I gotta, Gimme your ID, sir.

Is there a problem? We are gonna need.

Denise, can you please take care of this guy ? Alex: Happily. We're just going to need your identification.

No, gimme the Gimme the gimme. The spy gear. Mike reaches behind the counter, grabs the toy and books it.

He's got the artifact.

Denise emerges from a portal back in the vestibule of the dorm. Did the time travel work? Denise, did you find out his full birth date?

Not yet, but he has only grown older. The further back we go, something's amiss.

So Mike puts on the Spy Gear approaches, does a little dog crawl on elbows approaching the door.

So Mike, Mike manages to use his little spy glass. And, uh, he peeks in when he sees, uh, like a pullout chalkboard and like plans all over the floor and scribblings on the walls, ceilings and the couch even. Uh, and there's just, and Alex is sitting right in the middle and he's talking to himself and he's like, okay, my 30 year plan is nearly complete. Soon I will finally be able to obtain Michael's McDonald Spy Glass Toy from the Spy Kids three movie. It's all been about this.

No,

this is all I've ever wanted.

No, he can't, he can't get, no, this can't be it. He can't be,

I know he thinks I, I believe he has lost it, but I know he still has it. That bulge in his pants is definitely not a penis.

The camera pans from Alex, focusing on Alex very slowly to Mike crouching on the floor, and we zoom in very, very close on his face. And in the reflection of his eyes, we see Alex continuing to write his plan. Single bead of sweat runs down Mike's forehead.

Yes.

You can't do this to me. I, this is mine. This is mine. I bought it. I took it. This is mine. You can't be one of them.

If all goes well, I will have the spyglass in the, by the season four finale, and then my true goals can be accomplished.

I gotta tell Adam. I gotta tell Adam. I gotta tell how Mike, Mike gets up. He starts running, he trips falls flat on his face.

Oh, okay. Now where did that DVD of high school musical go? I still have six hours left. Might as well enjoy myself.

So do you guys, um, is this the first time you guys have been to this or have you seen this before?

We see this every year.

Yeah,

every year.

Is it good?

It's all I think about

does he change it up? Like is it, is it good or is it just kind like you come just to have something to do? Like

we see it every year.

Every year.

Every year.

Sometimes. Sometimes it's not chicken. It's a hen.

Yeah. And sometimes

I don't know if I like that. That feels, doesn't that feel misogynistic to you?

No.

What does a masseuse have to do with this?

What? What do you guys like about this? What? What draws you to it?

The symbolism.

The symbolism.

Mostly the cocaine.

And the cocaine. You can't forget the cocaine.

Do you do cocaine before you come here C, or do you do it like once you sit down? 'cause I gotta say. Either you have a very high tolerance or you guys, you know, haven't hit it yet. Haven't had, haven't bumped that bump yet.

I'll take this one. We come here every year.

I, I heard that. Yeah. Yeah.

Every year.. You guys in, in the very distance, you start to hear Mike huffing and puffing as he's sprinting across the lawn.

Do you guys hear that huffing and puffing?. I think that's my friend. Oh, there he, Hey Mike, over here

we see this guy every. Fucking. Year.

Every year.

Every year.

Yeah. No, I, I know you guys see him every year. Um, we established earlier that I was holding a spot in line for my friend. We, I was holding a spot. Don't get mad at me.

Hey, what the hell?

Hey, we're here every year. What's with this new guy?

No cutsies

has How many, hold on. Show of hands. Who has been here every year?

Everybody.

Every year.

All hands. up,

all hands.

How, how have I missed this? How have I not? I thought this was the first time they were doing Oh, okay.

They have posters in the student union.

Are are you guys students?

Every year.

Every year.

Every year.

All right. Well, all right. Well, luckily it's almost time for the show, Mike, you got here just in time, apparently. Um, this is something that people see every year, so it must be good. What, what's up?

I gathered. First of all, running is awful. Need that, need that on the record,

dude. Cardio is so important. You have to run every day,

every day,

every day

gets the blood going

every day.

The hen does. That's why it gushes so much

every day,

every day.

I didn't catch your names. Sorry. Hold on, Mike.

I got, I got important intel.

I'm a, I'm Adam. This is Mike. Uh, what, what are your names?

Eclipse.

Moonbeam.

Wow. Those are beautiful names. Do you mind if we sit next to you during the show?

We change our seats every minute.

Every every minute.

Is that not disruptive?

Incredibly. I'm Eclipse because I block the view for everyone else.

Oh, so it's a nickname.

I'm moonbeam because I'm always shining on the eclipse.

That's me.

That's kind of, is that like romantic or is that like

No, it's horrible.

Are you guys,

we both hate it,

brothers?.

We come here every year,

every year, every, all.

I'm gonna turn towards my friend. I'll talk to you guys in there.

Every year. Every year,

every year. We see that as Adam turns away, Moonbeam and Eclipse don't blink. They just keep staring at him, uh, for the entire conversation.

So what, what did you go back to get again? I don't remember.

He wants my spy glass.

What?

The spy glass?

The spy glass,

the promotional spy glass that they gave away in the McDonald's Happy Meals until promote Spy Kids three game over, that spy glass.

He wants it. You mean the thing that you got arrested for?

Yeah. Well, the charges were dropped, but yeah.

Okay. Well, you pled no contest. That's different from the charges being dropped, but o okay. Um,

I didn't serve time.

I know, you got a suspended sentence. We're on the same page.

The point is,

I don't want Eclipse and Moonbeam to think that, you know, you haven't

every, year

they deserve to know

every year, every year. Has he served time?

He has not served time. However, he is a convicted felon.

That's hot.

Yeah. That's pretty cool.

It does add a little bit of, you know, a little frisson to his persona, doesn't it?

Little bit of flavor.

A little bit of flavor.

What about the spyglass mike?

Oh, Alex wants to steal it from me, and I'm not okay with this. When I came, when I, there was like writings on the wall, like a crazy person. He's trying, writing all about, I was trying to steal a spyglass.

Okay. Did you, what are you, what do you want me to do about it? I'm gonna center myself in this. How does this affect me?

I, if Alex gets the spy glass, I, it's,

what do you use it for? I've never seen you with the spyglass. What are you using it for?

Spying.

Wait, is this what you do when you're, when you have your alone time, you take the spyglass with you? I do notice that the, um, the, you know, uh, plaque that you hang the spyglass on, that's in the living room, the gilded plaque is usually empty. Big dust outline of the spyglass on it. When you say you're going for your alone time,

don't worry about it. That, that's not your business. It's my business. It's my spy glass, and I need you to help me protect it from Alex. 'cause if Alex gets it, it's, it's all over.

The Geek show is starting in one minute. Please have your tickets ready.

I have never been more excited.

Yes, you have. Remember last year? And the year before that. And the year before that. Yeah, and the year before that. And the year before that. And the year before that.

So Mike, I would love to help you, but let's, let's watch the show first. I think it's about an hour. And then, uh,

how can it take an hour to bite off the head of a chicken?

Hey, I'm Johnny Tinymouth.Watch me bite off the head of this chicken.

Oh my God. We see him just very slowly nibbling at the chicken. This man is a master of his craft.

Gets better every year.

Every year.

Every year.

Every year.

Every year.

Can you guys, can you guys sit down just for a second? Like,

sorry, I have to move.

Time to move.

Okay. All right.

They just go to the other side of you. We had to buy 20 seats each so we can move to them all

Oh, that's how you do it. Okay.

Yeah.

I kind of thought it would be more abrupt. Like he would like actually like, you know, rip it. I didn't realize it was gonna be like a. Process.

Yeah.

Wait, wait. Is that the man versus food guy? That's the man versus food guy.

Oh my God. It's, it's

from the travel channel.

It's man versus,

I believe his name is Adam, like mine. Um, and then he got in trouble because he, um, he, and this is true, cyber bullied people about their weight online. Um,

I beat my food. You didn't beat your food.

That was direct quote. Oh my god. Wait. Oh no. He's hitting the wall. I see it. He's hitting the wall. He is not gonna be able to finish this chicken. No, he keeps, come on. We gotta cheer him on guys. Come on.

We gotta cheer on the man versus food guy.

Man. Versus food man versus food

man versus food

man versus versus food.

Open up, security.

Oh.

Hi. Uh,

Hi security. What can I do for you today?

I don't know if you recognize me. It's Jim from downstairs. I was just wondering if I could have a, it's just a, you know, standard candle inspection. I'm just going from room to room, checking for candles. You know, you guys aren't allowed to have candles in the dorms. Um, this is Mike Lee's room, right?

Technically it's a shared, uh, domicile.

Right? But this is Mike Lee's suite

and mine.

Yes. But Mike Lee's

and Adam's. Yeah.

I'm gonna need to take a look inside of Mike Lee's room.

Hold on. Why?

I got an anonymous tip that he has a candle. In fact, I heard he's got eight of them and he's planning something big in December.

Alex turns around. There's like, there's a, there's a circle of candles on the floor, all lit around like a paper drawing of the spyglass. Okay. Uh. I, you know, I, that doesn't ring a bell. I, Mike is a big problem. I know, but what if instead I tell you where his candle supplier is?

Look, let me level with you. This candles thing is a ruse. Does he have a copy of his birth certificate here?

Oh, buddy. I've been climbing up that tree my whole life. It's the second greatest mission of my life to, to get Mike's birthday behind. Well, another thing involving Mike, that's not important.

Oh, so you, you also are looking for the lore.

I've done a lot of research on this topic. Look, here's 10 binders. Of everything I have on the, on the subject. I don't know his date, but I know it's between now and the time uh, Jeezy C was born.

Jesus Christ?.

Yes.

Okay. Um, that actually is good informa, we hadn't ruled out AD, I mean, BC

I, I know, I know, but I, I,

and yeah. I call it bc. I don't have the woke mind virus. No before common era for me. It's before Christ. I'm extremely religious.

Jesus. Okay.

That's right.

Mm-hmm.

My man.

Look, you're clearly a recurring character who's gonna be coming back now and then. So why don't we wrap this up

and don't forget, my, my, uh, partner Denise is also going to be recurring.

Hey everyone loves me, I'm Denise.

Uh, yeah, she's back there.

I got it. Uh, look, I I will, Mike, I will tell you this, Mike always keeps any documentation that identifies when he was born on him at all times. So you gotta, you gotta outwit him. He, you're not gonna find anything in here.

Alright. Thanks for the binders.

No problem.

That's a huge help. And if you see Mike, just let him know. We're coming for him.

You want, you want him to be aware that he's being hunted for this piece of information about him.

If he gets nervous, he'll slip up. That's what we're counting on. We gotta crack him under pressure.

Okay. Yeah, I'll tell him.

All right, thanks. And I smell those candles. Don't worry. You're fine.

Oh, good. Good thing I used the scented candles to hide the smell of cocaine.

Closing the door is a great way to end the scene. Hey Alex, it's us. We're back. It's been, uh,

Hey guys. Come on. Yeah.

As Alex opens the door, we see Mike and Adam standing there just caked head to toe in chicken blood.

Well, it seems like you guys had a normal day.

Oh, we saw a show.

Uh, welcome back. Thanks for giving me the day to myself. I really, I feel very, very refreshed now and I have a clear mind.

That's a normal thing to say. Yeah, that's great.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Oh my god. This place is spotless. The coffee table is right on its mark. That's great.

Yeah. Grand piano is still there.

Grand piano is still there.

I felt so relaxed. I even took some extra time to clean up everything for you guys. You will find all your clothes in the laundry. Um, you just have to figure out how to turn that on.

You sure You got everything you wanted

everything.

You got everything outta your system.

No, Mike, trust me. I am.

Mike, are you hitting on him?

exactly where I need to be.

You sure you don't wanna certain piece of.

Mike, stop

technology.

Mike. I don't care how many Cyborg attachments You, you, you attach to it. I'm not touching ya junk.

It's not junk.

It's junk.

No, it's not.

Medically.

No. This

cut back to Mike at the doctor.

It's junk.

Oh, come on.

Cut back.

It's a collector's item.

I mean, in the sense that no one Yeah.

But if no one wants it

in the sense that no one's ever had it, it is a collector's item.

No, I I, there are, there are about 3,200 of these around,

there's like 4 billion guys in the world. There's more than 3,200 penises.

Yeah. But not all of them have the spy glass.

Oh, uh, are we talking about different things?

I think we might be talking about different things. Okay. Nevermind.

Listen, Alex, this is ridiculous. But Mike was saying before the geek show that he, um, thinks that you want his spy glass or something.

I don't even, what is that?

There's no way. No, you're lying to me. You are lying to me right now. You know what I saw, saw?

He said you had some like, plan to steal it from him, or,

I just had a nice chilled day. And I'm Mike. I am, I'm flattered that you think everything in my life has been revolving around stealing the only thing that brings you joy. Uh, but I'm your best friend. You know?

Mm-hmm.

Like, I, I can't believe you would even down suggest this.

No,

Mike.

No. I'm, I'm calm.

Mike,

how about we just forget this,

Mike. Let go of the countertop. Let go of the countertop.

Oh,

it's cracking. That's pure granite.

Mike. Look

by the way, the, the kitchen in here. The kitchen in here is beautiful, by the way.

I can't believe they fit it all in a college dorm. It's really nice.

Kitchen island, um, wine fridge.

Look, guys, uh, it, it's been a long day. Maybe, uh, we just, uh, move on, do our recording. I think, uh, Mike's been a little delirious, but I think, uh, just some good old fashioned Raymond's gonna get him back into his, uh, his everyday, you know, huckleberry self.

Yeah, we can record. Yeah, we can do that. If that's fine, that's fine. Great. I got everything right here.

Stop

you. You clearly don't want the, you clearly don't want the fricking thing. You don't know what?

For God's sake, let go of the fucking counter.

Nope. I I'm fine. Counter can take it.

Mike , Antoni will kill me if you ruin the counters.

I did. No, I wouldn't ruin the,

I already got blood all over my tan shirt.

I wouldn't ruin the counters just like Adam, when Alex wouldn't steal my fricking thing.

Mike, uh, lifts up the kitchen island.

I am an innocent boy. I've done literally nothing for this.

You are a liar,

Mike, stop.

Mike, stop hulking out. It's not a good look for you.

I mean, you are turning green, so that's accurate, but you're not getting any bigger.

Mike throws the counter through the, through the window.

Mike, don't break the window. That's how all of Alex's dates get out of here so they don't have to talk to you. Now we have to call maintenance

Adam. Like, you know how it is, Mike Mike's just like this sometimes and we have to, you know, put up with his shenanigans and now he has shenan'ed again.

Alright, let's just get it all out in the open. Alex, are you trying to steal Mike's spyglass?

Of course not. I don't even know what he's talking about.

Open the book.

What book?

The book you were writing in earlier today. Open it,

but, oh, you mean this book? These are drawings.

That's his sketchbook.

That's my sketchbook for my intro to drawing Adam class. Unrelated to you, by the way, the teacher's named Adam.

Oh yeah. I mean, it's a common name. Um, did you know that the man versus food guy got in trouble for cyber bullying people about - anyway.

Really?

No. Look. Mike, this has nothing to do with your spy glass. Look, he's got drawings of Shark Boy and Lava Girl. He's got drawings of Danny Trejo in here. He's got like, it has nothing to do with your spy kids three.

I don't know. I think

what what you maybe, you saw was this picture, which does have a spy glass in it just 'cause it's Velma from Scooby Doo, like looking for clues, you know? Um, that might be what you saw. Also. You're clearly delusional. Like you can't have possibly looked in here without me knowing.

Alex, that drawing of Velma's a little misogynistic.

Um, she's wearing a shirt that says A woman shouldn't vote.

Yeah. Alex, your portrayal of Velma is, is accurate and respectful to the, the established cartoon.

Call me Mindy Kaling.

Mindy. Velma, As you've depicted her is misogynistic.

She's raving anti-woman.

Yeah.

Well, Mike, look I, did you get it all out? Are you feeling better?

Mike, I mean, it's clear that you,

I think, I think I did.

You were, you were mistaken.

I, I, yeah, I am.

What do you need to do, Mike? I think you owe Alex something, don't you?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Fine. Alex, here's the money that I won from you, but then go fish earlier.

Oh, sweet. Alex

apology accepted.

I was just trying to get him to say he's sorry, but that's good.

Adam, shut up.

No, I cheat. I cheated. I cheated on the, I cheated in the game. I had pocket.

Oh, I cheated too. I just cheated badly.

Oh, you were really bad at cheating then.

Regardless, we're cool now, right?

I, I feel almost no tension between you two. I think it's clear that Mike, you know, made a mistake, is crazy, however you wanna say it.

I forgive him. I love him. He is my, he is my buddy.

I'm pretty sure. We met these people in line at The Geek Show. Alex, I'm pretty sure they gave him a bump of cocaine while we were watching them, so I think that's, he's probably in some sort of drug induced delirium.

We should. We should make this a new tradition. We should do this every year.

What?

Oh, we should, do you mean The Geek Show?

The Geek Show. We should go to the Geek Show. Every year.

Every year.

Every year.

Every year.

Who's that at the window?

The window's gone. There's a, it's a big granite shaped hole where the window was

granite shaped hole.

Here, let's go into our newly, uh, ventilated kitchen and record our podcast.

Okay.

Uh, that might fuck up the audio. All right. Let's try that away.

Oh Mike, you don't need to worry about that. Status quo.

As Mike and Adam turn around. Alex goes, yes. All according to plan. He now knows that I want to steal his spy glass, which is, which is exactly what I was planning to do.

What?

I was just thinking of a funny joke.

No, you were saying something about, you were like reading.

No, the, the joke is funny.

Is it?

I was thinking of a funny joke. Yes.

Oh, like what?

Uh, you can't hear it.

Oh, okay.

Because it's not, it's no longer acceptable in today's climate.

Oh, okay. Sorry about that. Is that about how women shouldn't vote?

Let's go record.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. Let me, I'll just finish setting up this podcast. Yeah, we're good.

We, we, um,

excellent. It's all, it's according to plan.

We go to an overhead shot as if it's, um, you know, from the corner of the room and we pull back and it becomes textured like a security camera feed. And we see these security guards, uh, down in the vestibule watching it, rubbing their hands together, doing kind of the exact same thing that Alex was doing. Yes. Everything's going according to plan, isn't it, Denise?.

We will know when Mike Lee was born. Soon. This is important to us.

What are you guys doing in here? I was just doing my rounds. You're not supposed to be in. Here right now. What, what, what's going on?

Denise, hold your hand up to the camera. We are the lore keepers.

We are the floor beepers.

What? What the fuck?

Floor beepers.

I, I forgot it.

Alright guys. Everything is fine. Back to normal and to end. We, we love each other and so I think we're in a great head space to talk about, um, this episode of Everybody Loves Raymond that we watch. What do you say happily? I think so too. Alright, welcome back to the Barone Zone. We're talking about season four, episode 20 alone. Time of everybody loves Raymond. Debra wants to be alone for a while. Ray Wonders why It's me, Adam with Alex and Mike. Cut. That's me.

Yeah. Honestly, I was not a fan. I thought this was one of the weaker episodes.

Mm-hmm. I think I am inclined to agree with you. I think the um. The portrayal of Debra. I, I think that first scene of, um, so Debra Ray walks in on Debra bleaching her mustache, her peach funds. Yeah. Her hair on her upper lip gives

the most, like guy who has clearly never lived with a woman lines I've ever heard.

I find it hard to believe he's never like, unless she is constantly in there. Right. Maintaining it. Like,

is this what, like, and like this is just my ignorance showing, is this what women go through? Uh, like to hide, like things like this. Because I don't think so. I think Ray just may be just like not paying attention ever. Yeah. Um, oblivious of the finer details. Yeah. Well, I

dunno, because Deborah seems very upset that, that he found out about it. So maybe. I don't know. Maybe she did actively try to hide it from him.

That's true. But also I think it's justified based on how he responded. But because boy, that was, that was rude. Even it went off on her like, yeah, my God. It like,

so this, this is a, this is a weird episode, man. Like, for a lot of different reasons, but one of them is certainly that like, I don't know, it, it, it's, this is a weird character choice for Ray to just be absolutely shocked that his wife, like, I don't know, isn't naturally hairless flawless. Not even flawless or hairless, whatever you wanna say. Wait, women

aren't bald below the chin or above the nose.

Women. Yeah, exactly. It's, it's a weird, it's a weird choice. It's also, they really, clearly, the writers thought it was hilarious because they really leaned into it. This was like the joke, like eight times during, well, they had a, they had a

million like quips for it.

Yeah. I think, yeah. The, the ray, like dropping one joke about it after another, you know, you're going to put a woman on the train tracks, ha ha ha. Twirling the mustache. I feel like, um, in context, like I get that, you know, that's a, you've got a fun scene where you can write a bunch of little jokes, but in context of the episode of the world, of the characters really makes Ray seem like a dick. He barges in on his wife in the bathroom and then just hammers her.

immediately tells. His family about it. Yeah. It's like, it's like, yeah, okay. He's teasing. Yeah, he's taking it too far. And then he goes and just uses it as an excuse to talk to his parents and wrap like, what the hell is going

on? He starts out, so Deborah demands alone time, uh, because Ray is always up in her grill. Um, this is clearly something she's been thinking about though, 'cause like, and is justified in asking for This's got the three small children and the

one large child. This seems like the smoking gun that allowed her to finally have enough leverage to be like, look, you need to give me some space. Like literally just an afternoon alone. Uh, like, you know, so I don't have the kids, so I don't have you, and I could just like. Chill, you know? Yeah. Cry. And then, you know, in classic Ray fashion, he fucks that up. He fucks up not being at his house for like an hour.

Yeah. He can't handle it. Uh, he, I, I kind of thought, so he goes over to. Takes the kids over to Marie and Frank's to, uh, what does he say? Watch a video. Watch A DVD, something like that. Yeah. Something to that effect. Like,

like,

you know, just,

and

that part's fine.

Like, you know, yeah, that's fine. I just hang out at Grandma and Grandpa's and watch a video. I love that shit.

I guess I'm reacting to the specificity of, no, not watch tv. They wanna watch a video. They, they, that's true. Yeah. I don't know. It's just weird. Not a bad point. It's not a

good point. But it's also just, I mean, like, that, that's, that's like, that's like some 2020 speak. That is 2020 YouTube news ahead of this watch videos. Yeah, get that good content.

All right. The kids wanna come over and watch a TikTok. Is that alright? They wanna watch, uh, family guy with the, uh, what's it called? Fucking Subway. What is it? Subway surfers. Subway surfers. That is a

reference that is only funny to us, but if you wanna know why that's funny, you can buy the Baronus. Now I have to

include that in the ness. What is wrong? I don't think it was that interesting. Too bad. We talked a little bit before the recording that Mike likes. His main exposure to family guy has been in split attention. Tiktoks or Instagram reels.

Yeah. Listen, I just, I, it's like it's, the show is fine. It has a couple funny quips, but it's not like interesting enough to keep my attention. But I like watching the little guy get the jet pack with the colors and go up, up above the subways.

Brian, his name is Brian. He's a dog. That's

the dog. That's the dog, yeah. Who by the way, is an asshole. I just gotta say it. There's very little redeem and quality about, I don't think anybody in this show.

I don't think the characters in Family Guy are meant to have like full emotional arcs. I think they're vehicles for pop culture and you know, crude jokes like, like us. Yeah, like us. Welcome back to the Family Guy Zone. Uh, my point was, uh, he brings the kids over to Marie and Frank's and then tells them that Deborah just wants some time alone and that's why they're over there. They react poorly, of course. Marie says, I Marie says a marriage is about closeness.

me, let me ask you. No, it's funny, it's very funny. Let me ask you guys, and this is kind of a general overhaul of like later season four, which I've started to, to feel a little bit with long running shows. Um, have you guys been feeling any of the effects of like Flynn with these characters yet?

A little bit, so this is, this is interesting, right? Like when we were first watching this show, season one was okay. Season two started to when we really started to enjoy it, I think. Yeah. Or season two, season three, we were watching we're, I remember thinking to myself, Raymond gets a bad rap. He's not that bad. He's just a lazy, flawed husband and people really use him as this moniker for wife humor in treating, you know, the sitcom trope of treating your, your hot wife's shitty and so on.

admission there. That, uh, Patricia Heaton is on Mike's, uh, uh, you know, hall pass. Hall pass. From who? From God.

Listen, I'd like to have the Liz ready and then, you know, just in case, just in case that's gonna be your

vows, that when you eventually get married again, is you're gonna read your hall pass at your wedding. Uh, I,

I, I love, I love you baby. You illegally agree to not get mad at me if I bang Patricia Heaton, Patricia Heaton, Jennifer Aniston, Meryl Streep, et cetera.

I wanna hear interesting choices. Do two more just 'cause I'm trying to get where your tastes lie. 'cause that, at first I thought, oh, he's just doing women from sitcoms from the nineties and then Meryl Streep in there.

Two more. Oh, oh, um, two more?

Yeah.

Alright. And don't do

joke ones. Be honest.

No, I'm being real. Diane Keaton,

Susan. Susan, Susan, Susan Boyle. That's my last one. Okay. Come on. All right. What? Anyway, were you, Jay Leno making Susan Boyle jokes.

What's the joke? She's a beautiful woman.

Okay. Sorry. No, you know what? That's on me

regardless. Um, season four, I, I bring this up because I think in the last 10 episodes, I think at least every other episode, I've thought, wow. I feel like I've seen this episode before and not in the sense that I've watched the series before, which I have a long time ago, as mentioned on this podcast. But like, I feel just like we're hitting, starting to go through the same beats and I feel like Frank's jokes are becoming a little more intense.

a fine line between like consistent characterization and then going into like self parody. But I think we're seeing less of the like, you know, the Frank with the baseball, uh, Frank, the writer Marie, with the piano, like the kind of like everything slows down, laugh track dies out, and we have like an emotional moment between the characters where we learn something about them and their relationships and we are getting a lot more of just, Frank hates his wife.

doubting.

It does kind of feel like, and, and maybe it, it will vary by episode as we get into this middle stretch of where, you know, certain characters are just on autopilot. Mm-hmm. And other characters develop more depth, or other episodes might have more depth for people. I know we've got Italy coming up, which is, you know, that's gonna be fun. Yeah. Considered the

masterpiece. So, at least with, from my, from my memory, I remember really liking five, six, and seven, uh, those seasons of this show when I first watched it. Sorry for your season four lovers. I'm just, uh,

well, we're coming off a good run and now I, yeah, I, I'm picking up a little bit. Yeah. Like, I'm, I'm just

starting to feel. Like, we're not burn out. Yeah. Which is stupid to say about a sitcom. I know. Sure. Because the whole idea is that you get the, a different flavor of the same thing every week. Mm-hmm. And I will say, I, I can see it now. The comment will be, um, like, oh, the show was never meant to be watched this way. And it was like, yeah, definitely not. But like, this is how people watch shows now. They watch mm-hmm.

Yeah. After

editing, half hour after editing, we've been here for eight

hours. Okay. So, uh, yeah, I, I hear what you're saying, Alex, but, um, the reason I bring up that Marie Frank line, um, is, so Ray brings the kids over to Marie. Frank's tells 'em that Deborah wants 'em alone time. They push back. Ray defends her at first, and I was like, Ray is doing a good job here, telling them it's none of their business and they should back off and then tells them about the mustache and sells her out and lets them get to him. And that's what leads to Ray going over there.

Deborah has a mustache, like, like she was cheating on him. Debra has a mustache

and I will say Deborah has a mustache. Frank, to Frank's credit, his point of like Ray, she could have a full bushy beard who wouldn't take eight hours. I was, first of all, I chuckled. Second of all, yeah, that's misogynistic. Third of all, I was also like, that's a, that's a good point, Ray. He really is a dumb ass here. It's, yeah. I don't know. I like that line.

Yeah, but I mean, Debra wanting alone time, I mean from her perspective, perspective is clearly not just about the, the like. The personal hygiene things she's gotta, gotta do. Yeah. Like, like, you know, it's about

boundaries, self

care. It's just about her having some time to herself, which is reasonable.

And I do think it's consistent with the Baronus as characters that, um, they wouldn't understand why people would want boundaries. I mean, that's kind of their whole thing is that Yeah, sure. They just come over whenever they want. Um, so I think it's good to get there, like, you know, have them be the inciting incident for Ray to then go over peep through the window at Deborah.

It's just life is so short and so are the tissues.

There you go. What, um, like Okay. I like obviously race buying on Deborah is shitty,

right? That's so, okay. There's a lot that he does. This is, I mean, not to spoil the barometer, but it's a low score for he ain't doing great today. It's not, there's very little that he does good, uh, all the way through and yeah, invading the privacy obviously is bad though. I will say the mailman scene, it kills me that, uh, we don't know the, the Mailman's name because I, the mailman was

uncredited. Yes, it's a shame. I

know he didn't have a line, but the look, he gave Ray that look was fantastic.

Fantastic. As act ast, acting fantastic as. Fantastic acting. You got there? Yes. Fantastic ass. Ray goes back over, uh, to the Baronus and Robert's there and, uh, Robert tells him to go back over there and ask him what's wrong. Uh, Robert's physical therapy that he does by himself, of course, um, in the kitchen where he's like stretching out his upper thigh.

What is the, uh, because like, I'm not even the pickles to be honest. I get it. Curiosity, you know? Oh,

what do you mean? Oh, okay.

Well, I, I'd want to, if I, if I made that claim, I'd be like, well, now can I do that?

I have the opportunity. You've got the motive, the means and the opportunity. Yes. And he's

got

two butt holes now. Better grit. One isn't upper thigh. Um, what is the, um, most challenging thing that you've opened with your ass? Mike, I'll go to you first.

I don't know if I've opened anything with my ass. Not with that attitude. I guess doors to

like, do you mean like opportunities?

Yeah, no, like I believe my ass has, has done wonders for my career, but I that's,

mm-hmm. Yeah. Alex? Yeah. I mean, I, I do see like an interview meaning like, we're sorry, uh, Mike, we're just not looking for that. Will you please leave? And he's like, okay. And then he turns around and he is like, well, hold on a minute.

Whoa. We thought we'd like to watch you leave, but we'd love to watch you walk away.

Uh, listen, you know, I like, I'd be more than happy to sit here for the next hour to go into detail about this subject, but I, I'm planning on starting a whole new podcast about that subject

ass podcast. Podcast. There's gotta be A-P-D-C-S-S-T.

Come on. If not, we're

claiming it.

Uh, yeah, there's definitely a pod s

or just, I'm saying podcast, but with two S's.

No, I got, I got what you're putting down. I'm trying to think of a way to make it cleaner.

Cleaner. You want the s to be cleaner?

No, I like it. Stinky Mike. That's awesome.

Ray goes back over to the house, tries to awkwardly help with the laundry. Um, Ray thinks that, uh, he's kind of thinking through it with Ro with Robert and says, I don't get it. Deborah's been acting normal, but then maybe the whole normal thing in act, and really she's crying because she hates Ray. So Ray goes back over there and, uh, awkwardly tries to win her over, tries to help with the laundry. Um, proves to her that he's been mouthwashing. How are you?

that makes up for it.

Yeah, that's in, that is a, he's now a 10. That's one of the more direct apologies we've heard Ray make in 95 episodes. So you gotta give him credit for that.

Oh,

good God. Has it been

95 episodes? Yep.

Geez. But you don't have to give him credit for his kind of condescending attitude, uh, when he is like, I know why you cry. Uh, and then, you know, Debra gets pissed off justifiably when, uh, he find she finds out that he was watching her.

I, I also gotta say, this is a weird. Episode period because it, it bounces between two different kind of like thesis statements, which is one is like, oh, sometimes people need alone time. And it does a whole bit on that. And then it turns to men don't cry, which is also a very strange, but they do dance. Yeah, they do dance. Um, yeah. It, it, it's a, so neither of those in and of themselves are bad premises for an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.

Or consistent.

Yeah. That's a better way better word for it. It did

feel kinda like it just, they had two episodes that were too short. Yeah. It feels like Debra kind of gets over the whole You were spying on me thing too quickly so they could address the you don't cry thing. Yeah. Yeah. And both aspects of the episode I found not super satisfying.

I agree. Um, Debra tells Ray that she's crying because she likes it. It's a release, it's cathartic. She puts on the theme from Ice Castles. Do you wanna know about the theme from Ice Castle? What's Ice Castles? You hear it in the, in the episode, but the theme for my, so Ice Castles. It is a 1978 American romantic drama film, uh, directed by Donald r and starring Lynn Holly Johnson and Robbie Benson.

I feel like I just saw the whole thing.

You basically did. Um. When you hide away in the privacy of your own despair and cry, what do you listen to? Okay. I actually have an answer. Good.

I listen to, or rather I watch videos, um, about of family

guy on top and subway surfer on the planet. No,

I watch, I watch videos of fathers, uh, talking about their kids and then they start to tear up because of how proud they're, and that always makes me cry.

Aw, that's adorable. Mike.

Um, it's porn. Mike likes porn.

Yeah, I was gonna say he wants what? He can't have. I just, I just, yeah. Just makes me, yeah. That, uh. What? She's just stuck in the washer. It really is too sexy. She'll never get out. She'll

never get out. And now the mechanic stuck too.

It's just, it's just taking everybody, it's a monster.

And that's a release for you.

Yeah,

you could say that.

And then she goes to get the blood extra spare blanket from under the bed. And up there she's stuck again.

Just there's no place in the world that's right for her. She just gotta find her own spot. It's, it's horrible.

There's a lesson for all you people out there. Never become a stepsister. You will get stuck everywhere. Anyway. Mike, what were you saying?

I think I was pretty clear. Adam, what makes you cry?

Um. Honestly, uh, dog stuff. So that movie, A Dog's Purpose that Got me, that is a sad movie. Yeah. Anything with like, and look, I'm a nerd to the Sarah McLaughlin commercial, however, there was definitely a time where it got me. I just, pets being, um, either like naturally progressing through the stages of life and then dying or being mistreated are definitely the things that make me cry. And it's not cathartic because then I feel bad and I have to go hug my pets, which is cathartic actually.

It loops. Loops back around. Yeah.

Yeah. Now you, Mike, you were telling me about that video where Sarah McLaughlin is in the dog pound and she gets stuck, right? Yeah. She

gets stuck. She gets stuck

and then

the, and then they start filming and like the sad, then the song plays the panties. She's stuck the

names.

Um, but I, I, I do sympathize with what Deborah says here because it is very funny. Uh, it's very funny because, because like I, I do agree that like sometimes a good cry really helps. Like I find if I have a bad headache and I'm feeling very emotional, literally just making myself cry for like five minutes makes me feel like a bajillion times better. Um, and that I'm good for like, however long. So like, I, I think it's fine. I wouldn't have chosen knowing this family.

Yes. Or a room without windows. Uh oh. I thought Ray's line of, um. So Deborah says, you know, it's, haven't you ever gotten the blues? It's, you know, it's good, it's cathartic and Ray's like, so all of a sudden you're this old blues singing guy with a mustache. That was a funny, uh, no, that was a, that I,

I actually really appreciated that line. I think that's the one

line where I was like,

this is, that's a funny use of the mustache stuff. Nice

callback. That's a funny use of the mustache stuff. Uh, Debra. So we've got the scene of Debra trying to make Ray cry by having him remember the night Ali was born. And Ray laughs out loud in her face, um, which I kind of got, because if you're trying to manufacture it, it becomes ridiculous. It's tough. Yeah.

Yeah. And it's, it's, it's very hard to like do like a make yourself cry in front of other people, like, you know? Yeah. If, if you gotta cry like uncontrollably, you know, that's, that's that. But like, if you're gonna sit down and be like, all right, I'm gonna cry, you do that shit alone. Hence why Debra did that alone. Yeah. Yeah. And I do appreciate that Ray tried to do it alone.

uh, yeah. Um, the wrap up of that scene before we get to the hot clothes where he does give it a try is, uh, Ray Mock sobbing. When Deborah tries to get him to cry about Shamsky, number one, his parents gave the dog away. Um, they storm into the bathroom. Deborah is pissed. Uh. Ray suggests that Marie take the kids. Debra can be alone. Ray goes golfing. Ha ha ha.

It was, it was, this was a weird way to finish the episode. I'm with you.

Yeah, it felt a little, um, retro in its sensibilities. Yeah. Um, but the hot clothes Ray puts on the theme from Ice Castles, so we do get to hear it. Um, I'm not a fan personally. Full take, there's like a type of like schmaltzy eighties, or I guess this was the late seventies ballad, like, you know, the wind beneath my wings or something like that. That has never really resonated with me. I think it's because I'm too, like young and like gen, my, my sensibilities are very gen alpha, you know?

Yeah. You know, you famously, I know your number one song on Spotify was, um, was the Fortnite parody of American Boy, right? Mm-hmm.

And I know what that is. Yeah.

Yeah. I didn't know that was real. I was gonna like, make a joke about like, American boy, where were you dropping? Boy,

how am I the old one?

How old, by the way? Are you? Uh, we what? Quick zoom out back to the, uh, back to the security desk. They lean in.

So in the hot clothes, I really liked it when, damn.

Yeah. Go on.

I really, I really, I don't know. I thought it was funny how he just kind of gave up and just started dance at those fun. Yeah. He changes

it to Lady Marly. Do you want, I mean, hey, sometimes, how much information do you want about Lady Marm?

You need to get it out, and if that's crying or dancing. Dancing can be very cathartic as well.

Yeah. It's just like a physical, uh, expression of emotion. And Ray, for all his faults, can dance. He can, he can, he can bus to move If he to take time,

he can dance if he wants to,

he can leave his friends behind. Lady Marmalade is a song written by Bob Crewe and Kenny Nolan made popular by the American Funk Rock Group, LaBelle in 1974. That's the version Ray is listening to. You may be familiar with the 2001 version by singers Christine Aguilera, Maya Pink and Rapper. Lil Kim recorded for the Moulin Rouge soundtrack, which was a number one hit on the billboard, hot 100 for five weeks, and is considered a gay anthem.

And he was like, that guy's gay time to write a song about it.

He wrote a song about

it.

Well, the song was written. Uh, he wrote the movie around this scene, and then the executives told him he had to change the setting from Lynbrook to Paris. Yeah, it was too sexy. We had to change it. Uh, I think this is a missed opportunity to have the mailman pop up at the window again.

That would've been funny. I didn't even think of

that, but that would've been a funny button. Yeah, they could have only gotten him, they only got him for one day where he is. Yeah. They, they

didn't wanna pay him enough. Like he might have to have a line at that point and then, you know,

they might have to credit him. Yeah.

Yeah. Um, it did kind of just, it was just like, we're gonna do 30 seconds of Ray dancing to this song and then it's not really gonna have like a comedic ending to it. Um, but I thought all things considered a good ending. Alright, any other thoughts on this episode? I'm

hopeful going into the season four finale, which is not next time. I know, but we'll, in there we're again, four

more.

This

was a mid episode, but, uh, that's okay.

Yeah,

you're gonna have some stickers sometime.

Let's then evaluate, not the episode itself, but raise performance on our patented barometer. It's our scale from one to 10 on which we rate that man on, um, his performance as a husband, son, brother, father, dancer, uh, spy with 10 being the great dads of sitcom history, your Danny Tanners and Uncle Phils, and one being the badman of television. Don Draper, Walter Whiteman, who actively harm their families. Alex, where were I coming in for you this week? Mm,

bad. Bad. Not good, bad. Speak on that. Um. I'm trying to think of anything. Good. Ray did, I liked his dance moves. Mm-hmm. Uh, I like that he actually did try to cry to kind of try and understand Debra. That gives him like a point in my book, you know, if we're starting from zero, we're going like, you know, that's a point. Um, I didn't like Ray airing out Debra's dirty laundry in front of everyone. I didn't like him spying on her when she specifically asked for some alone time.

and sometimes that's all you need to get to 10, I guess. Yeah. Not in this case. I mean, they'd give him out all the time on Dancing With the Star if you were gonna rate him as a dancer. Purely, I. What would you give him? Like an eight. He did a good job. Nice. He was a good dancer. I would agree with

that.

But it's two for his behavior as a human being. Um, Mike, where's Ray coming in for you?

Similarly low. I don't know if I'd give him a two. Uh, but yeah, there's not a lot of good He does and in fact is actively bad most of this episode. Uh, first of all, he's a dick about the mustache thing. At first I thought maybe is this like, meant to be like cute kind of teasing of the wife kind of thing. But it, it, it didn't seem to be good natured. So I don't wanna give him the benefit of the doubt too much on that one.

You're right about that. It is worse than a four.

Yeah. Thank you.

Verified. How about you Adam?

What are your thoughts?

Um, I'm with you. I'm in the same ballpark. I want to give Ray credit for dancing for initially defending Deborah from his, you know, her right to have alone time, uh, to his parents. I wanna knock him for, uh, spying on her, uh, going over there, making fun of her. The line specifically that. Your mustache will distract me from the cellulite. Um, which felt like, yeah, now you're broaching new territory and you're teasing. Mm-hmm.

It's a fi, it's a reasonably sized spoon. Uh,

no one would describe it big. Maybe spoons were smaller in the early two thousands at the turn of the millennium, but, uh, no. So I'm gonna knock him for that lie. I am gonna knock him for mock sobbing. Uh, laughing in Deborah's face, being condescending about, I know why you cry. And for, um, just all of it. I don't know. I did like the line. I, I, I agree with the mailman. I, we didn't call this out, but, uh, Robert in the kitchen is like, I didn't tell you to go spy on her Ray.

That is a 2.3? Three. Three. Three. Three repeating. So round off to 2.3.

Alright, 2.3. Now that. Feels accurate?

Yeah, I think so.

All right. Mm-hmm. Any other final thoughts on this episode? I have one more thing, which is Ray, in the very, at the very start of the episode, comes down the stairs singing a song with the lyrics. Me and Mrs. Brown, oh, oh me and Mrs. Brown. Now, I think this is a parody of me and Mrs. Jones, a song originally recorded in 1972 by Billy Paul, which has been covered a lot by like, hall and Oats and others. But, uh, I could not find, and I looked at it for a long time.

No, let's wrap it.

Alright. Speaking of rap, you know, rap can elicit a lot of emotions in people. Like some people find it very inspiring. Um, you know, the music of, uh, you know, poetry. It's kind of the first wrap, right?

It sure is. Yeah.

So I think, uh, we should kind of embrace that spirit and try to inspire the listeners as they move into their week here with, you know, some warm thoughts and inspirational, maybe even spiritual thoughts that, uh, you guys wanna share with them. And you know, what we'll do here is just like ab this thing and we'll do one for Mike and we'll do one for Alex, and then whichever one kind of like resonates more we'll like, use that one. And don't worry, we'll cut all this out.

We're only one demographic.

I'm sorry, it's not a hundred percent male. It's 87% male, 13% unidentified. So,

so not even woman, just, just,

just, just, just men who haven't selected their gender from the dropdown it's

men prefer not to say that's good. So whatever they

like, I think that's what we'll go with. But let's just don't let that influence what you guys say. Just say whatever you know, comes to the heart. Okay. Ready? So, Alex, let's, uh, put the spotlight on you today and, um, you know, what do you wanna leave the listener with as they head into their busy and, uh, you know, stressful lives? Mm-hmm.

Well, let me just raise a glass ray. Uh, I don't mean to be one, to spy on, uh, the opinions of our viewers, uh, especially ones that could be kids. Uh, but uh, I want them all to know, I think you should just believe in your spell self, even though, uh, I might, you know, spy kids. Here's a glass.

You're a rat bastard. Alex, what are you talking about, Mike Bastard? I don't know. I don't like that. I don't like that shit. Mike, what are you

talking about? I don't like it. I have no idea. He was just saying he was just raising a glass to the next generation of, I was just saying something nice taunting me. You know that the 28 year olds in our demographics, not the 30 5-year-old. Yeah. The

kids that you know, like to spy kids. Adam's not even gonna include this part in the podcast. Anyway.

No, I, I thought that was very inspiring, Alex, I think. Mm-hmm. I didn't like it. Go ahead, Mike. The kids really do need to spy, you know, the future, you know? Yes. In the world.

Spy and Kids three. Yeah. Game over, Mike. Go game over

Mike. Sorry. We got that clean. Think. You're so clever. We got that clean.

You think you're so fucking clever. No idea what we're talking about. Get you Mike. I'm gonna get you

Let go of the counter. We're already down one. I need another, these counters.

I'll throw another.

To cook. Let him cook. Anton's coming over later. He is gonna teach me how to make pene.

So that's pretty, that's pretty straightforward. You just boiled water and put it in the pasta.

It's more about the experience of people like Oh, okay. You know, helping me through, uh, the kind of makeover experience. Okay. Have you watched the show? Did you see my episode?

Nope. Okay. So for my, uh, my, so for my bit, for my, for my little words of wisdom, I liked what you said about poetry. So I actually looked at my favorite poem. I decided, I'm just gonna read it out to you guys. Uh, it's, it's by William Shakespeare. I don't know if you've heard of him. Mm-hmm. It's sonnet 18 and a very fancy name, but it goes like this. Shall I compare these to a summer's day that were more lovely and more temperate?

Shakespeare wrote that, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. It's really, I don't know. It was really nice. I like, I like this one. It's, it's a classic, but you know, maybe, maybe it's basic, but I really like

it. There is a lot less the and ha and stuff in the second stanza of that I noticed.

Yeah. He was innovative.

Yeah. He really was like, you can see the moment where we turned from old English to modern English there, he, he, you know, crested that wave.

He really did. Adam, are you Adam? Are you crying? It's just Adam, are you crying? So beautiful. Oh, wait, no, I don't, I don't. No, hold on. It's just so Be beautiful. No, don't, don't do this. Don't do this. 'cause if you cry, I'm gonna think about all the time that I've seen people get stuck and I'm gonna cry and said this is gonna, this is gonna turn the whole big thing.

I'm gonna start dancing.

I

can't sit. No.

Oh, that is making me feel better. Alex, I can't fit. Um, she's free. I can't

fit. She's free.

Wow. I think Alex, yeah,

no, just give it to Mike.

I think he deserves it. Just this time. I think it makes the most sense. To give it to Mike. Just give it to Mike. Mike. Um. So Mike, I think we're gonna go with yours and Alex. Oh, thank you. I, I am pretty sure next time, you know, we've been doing this, um, segment for a while now. I'm pretty sure you're getting the hang of it. Mm-hmm. Um, I think we've used yours a couple of times, so just like, go back and listen to those and just emulate that for next time.

I will cry. Tears of victory. When I achieve my goals,

that's a normal thing to say. Yeah, I guess so. That's a normal thing for people to say when they're upset, I guess so, yeah. Well, that is great, Mike. That's great to that, that's just beautiful and, and so moving and I'm just, I think our listeners are really gonna appreciate that little touch of verse in their week. And I think there's only one last thing left to touch upon, which is of course, our classic sign off.

loves Raymond

and we love you.