OPERATION OVERLOAD / 4.17 Hackidu

Good morning, students and faculty of Lynbrook University. As you know, each week you're required to watch an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. This week's episode is season four, episode 17, Hackidu. Ray tries to learn about Allie's favorite card game. We recommend watching the show as soon as possible to prepare for what you are about to hear. Also, congratulations to the human dog sledding team for coming in third at the Iditarod last week.

Excuse me, is this the, uh, Henderson's Sperm Factory?

Are you asking to speak with Mr. Henderson? Mr. Henderson is not available right now.

Uh, oh, um, he's not, who, is there any higher up that I can speak to? It's kind of important. What

is your issue, sir? Mr. Henderson is currently at his dental practice. He splits his time.

The combination sperm bank and It's so

embarrassing that you don't know Michael Henderson, DDS, one of Lynbrook's most influential residents.

I just, I'm sorry, I just saw the billboard that said you squeeze it, we freeze it, and I decided to stop on by. Is

that what you're interested in doing? Squeezing it?

Okay, I'm more interested in, in how does one purchase the frozen?

You'd like to

Yeah, I mean, I don't have an account open, so I don't know how that works. Okay, well, you're gonna need to

fill out this paperwork. Okay, so. Oh, okay. There are a couple of forms you need to be aware of. Um, this is a conflict of interest disclosure. If you have any assets held in the sperm bank. You need to waive all liability in case we accidentally give you your own sperm, because we have no way of knowing.

Okay, no, I, I understand. No, I, that, that's, that won't be a problem here. Do I, is there like a minimum, uh, uh, amount? Like is there a A minimum deposit to open

the account? Yes. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. Okay, even if I'm just withdrawing, I gotta, I gotta give some Cause I don't wanna be hit with, uh, with I don't wanna get hit with insufficient funds, so The

overdraft fee is pretty severe, I'll tell you that much.

Oh, okay. What's your name, ma'am?

My name is Sylvia.

Well, thank you, Sylvia. I I appreciate your your help here. I just You know, I'm, this is my first time making the withdrawal, it's kind of a big deal for me, so.

Your wife is a very lucky woman. We only have the finest quality specimens here at Henderson Sperm Bank. I think it's so great that you're doing the home insemination. We do sell basters over there on the rack. I, I'm not, no, hold on. It goes from mini to jumbo. And we find that our clients have the best results with Jumbo. But, obviously, you need to make a bigger withdrawal for that.

Okay, I see, oh, I see four sizes. Mini. Small. Yeah.

Regular. That

mini is already huge. I just, I just gotta say, that's at least, that mini is, is larger than any, that's not the point. I'm not married, I'm not doing this for a significant other. Well, sir,

if you're not married, we can't possibly let you inseminate someone. This is a catholic Well, I'm

not inse

Sperm bank.

Is like, the Catholics have sperm banks?

Michael Henderson does. Michael Henderson is a Catholic? Michael Henderson is a Catholic, yes. He is? And he's very, yes.

Why are you

shocked at that? So

I see behind you

Crucifix! Yeah, no, I

see the, I thought that was a personal thing. I thought maybe, I don't know. But no, I see behind you the three images of him. At, in his dentist supply. The triptych? Yes.

The triptych of Michael Henderson that we have? The gold leaf triptych? Yes. Byzantine style? I see him. Inverse perspective? Yes. Yeah, I

see him with someone mouth open in, in, in his dentist uniform. And he's holding jumbo. And he's holding jumbo. But he's wearing the priest collar. But I kind of assumed that that was, you know, I thought that was like Halloween or something. I didn't realize that that was the third profession.

No. Okay. He is not an active member of the clergy, but he does hold a Doctor of Divinity from the seminary. Oh! And I do mean, the se the seminary. So why, sir, I never got your name by the way, can you just put your name there on the, um, Yeah,

I'm Mike, I think I'm up to I have to change now? No, I'm up to K now. I'm K. I'm Mike K. It's nice to

What does K stand for? Do you remember? Kevorkian. That's right.

Um

I mean, I don't know

that. Yeah, no, of course. Um

Mike Kevorkian. Yeah. Got it.

I just, listen, I, um So, this is kind of embarrassing, do I have to, it's kind of a crowded room, but, um.

Do you want to write it on this small piece of paper and pass it back to me negotiation style?

No, I mean, that's okay, I'll just whisper, I mean, I'm a, I'm a virgin. Okay. I'm a virgin, okay.

He's a virgin! A, um, A is the, Uh, red flashing light, and siren goes off, and balloons drop from the

ceiling. VIRGIN ALERT! VIRGIN ALERT! VIRGIN ALERT! What

the hell? What

the

hell? I'm sorry, we have to do that. VIRGIN ALERT! VIRGIN ALERT! We have got a virgin at Henderson Sperm! We have got a virgin, it's time for him to earn his sperm!

Yay! Virgin everyone! Hey! That's the first one in two weeks.

Sorry, I almost misspoke. Here's a cum cake. I was gonna say cupcake, but I misspoke.

Do I have to eat it? No. It looks nasty, I'm gonna be honest. It's not

real. It's not real.

Oh, okay, okay. Um, thank you. It's coconut

frosting.

I really appreciate the penis shaped birthday hat, too. That's

We didn't provide, I think you brought that in. We didn't provide that.

Oh, no, you know what? I stopped by the bachelorette party store. Is it your birthday? No, it's not. It's not my birthday. Um, no,

listen. What do you mean? Sorry. What do you mean you stopped by the bachelorette party store? We cut to Party City on the outside of Lynbrook, which is closing.

Hey,

um.

Sir,

we're closing, sir.

Yeah, but you see, no, you don't understand. I have to, I have to buy, it's, it's my friend's bachelorette party. I gotta, I gotta get a favor or something. Do you have anything that like, I don't know, I could, I could do, it, just a balloon or something would be great.

Tommy. Yeah. Do we have anything in the back for this sad sweaty man?

Uh. Hey, I'm not that sweaty. Oh, we have this. I think someone left it behind.

Oh, this, Is it supposed to be this wet? We got the this is a paper birthday hat shaped like a penis the balls kind of Yo, don't you wait come back. Don't you want to hear what the balls do? No, I don't i'll find out later. Don't twist them Sir.

I'm sorry. Why, sir? I got a black eye. I just, uh, from the balls. I, I, okay. My friends have been making fun of me because I'm a virgin and I Siren goes off again. Oh, come on, man! Every time! We've got a virgin at Henderson's Firm! How many cum, how many cum cakes do you have in the back? Cause this is the second one. Six to a pan. Okay. Wow. Kind of a

small pan for a cupcake tray, but Had to make some budget cuts recently. People are not depositing as much sperm as they used to.

Oh, are they Same

number of clients, just smaller Just smaller loads.

I just Listen, my point is, I Okay. I have not done the deed. Okay, no alert. Okay. Um, and my friends have just been making fun of me. Now you found the loophole. I, yeah, they've been, they've been making fun of me constantly. Unlike what you've

done with women. Found the hole.

Thank you. Thank you for that. I, I appreciate it. So you're, yes, you I, I, yeah, so I just, listen, I want them to stop. And I really want them to leave me alone, and like, let me be. So it

can't be

that bad and they can't they wouldn't like excuse me. You're holding up the line. Oh my god It's Mike K. I know you got I know you your buddy Adam was telling me about how you can't fuck anyone I met him on the bus yesterday

Excuse me. Mr. Driver. I don't have I I don't have any form of payment.

Get off the Oh my god, you're Adam Rudy! Your friend Alex was telling me about how what a what a fucking dick you were! Hey man, get off the bus. No, you get off the bus. You're a real dick. You know who's a real dick? My friend Adam.

Well, yeah, I'm kind of a dick. Um, but, Look, I can't afford to get on the bus. Can I give you some hot goss instead, my friend Mike? You'll know him when you see him. You cannot fuck anybody for the life of him!

Gasp. So anyway, yeah, I heard you can't fuck anyone. Yeah, You want to tell me about someone? I

kinda, I, you've met everybody I know.

He gets off on this. Wow, you know two people and you can't fuck either of them, huh? Could you,

listen, I'm in That's pretty sad. I'm having a conversation with Sylvia here, and you're kinda

Steve, Steve, Steve, you can just, you can use the self checkout. Okay, just remember to scan your card so you get the points.

Thank you. I just can't calorie all five of these gallons on my own. Can I get a bag?

Uh, it's a five cent back tax, unfortunately, and we do only have the paper. You

know what? I'll just, I'll just deal.

Okay.

That was an acrobatic feat. I've never, that's I'm shocked that that pyramid was as stable as it, as it actually looked. That's, that, that was.

Yeah, I'm a real jizz jockey. Oh, he's still

here. Okay.

Well, listen. So you can't, you can't, uh. I am not

what the ladies would call a jizz jockey. And. I, I just got it. Listen, my friends, I want this to stop being my primary personality trait around my friends. So the only way to stop that is to prove to them that I've, you know, banged a woman. And so my thought is, instead of doing it, because that feels not great to like do something with an ulterior motive, I want to get some sperm, put it in a condom. And then show that to them as like the physical evidence that I've done it, you know?

The smoking cum as it were. Yeah, exactly. Got it. Can you help me out with that? I'll make you a deal. Oh, okay. If you make a deposit In the next 90 days or so, I will let you make a withdrawal on a trial basis.

Oh, I have to deposit in order to

withdraw? You gotta put as much in, it's like social security, you gotta put in before you can take out. I

feel like if that was the case, wouldn't that defeat the purpose of a lot of men withdrawing?

So from, okay, here's the schedule. Okay. Twelve to nine. Yeah. Kind of where we are. Twelve to nine. I meant to say nine to twelve, but actually twelve to nine. Twelve to nine. So noon to nine p. m. is open season on withdrawals. That's where we're in right now. Okay. Nine oh one to eleven fifty nine. That's deposit time. Oh! The fellas come in, they You know the fellas, they fill up the tanks. Yeah. And then, and then they get, you know, they get paid and then they leave.

Hi ho. Hi ho. Fill up this firm. We go. Oh God. Oh. Oh, okay. I, alright.

Yeah. It's, uh, it's ni it's, uh, 8 59 right now. So we're gonna have to wrap this transaction. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll

do it. I'll take it right now.

You will. Okay. Sign right here. Yeah. You must come back in 90 days. Period. You must C U M back in 90 days. Sign. Date.

Mike Kvorkian.

Okay. Go over to the spigot, take this cup, go over to the So you see that refrigerator there? It's got one of those things in the door where you push the thing down and the juice comes out? I

don't like the ice cream soft serve. Uh, uh, system that you got over here. Okay, we have

another system though, which is, you know how a refrigerator door sometimes will have a water and crushed ice dispenser on it? I hate this

already.

Go take your cup, go press the little flap in, and it will come out as crushed ice. Which is, it will take some time to heat up, but just put it in the sun for a few minutes.

This is worse. This is worse. Do you want me to

come up with a third system?

I would love you to come up with a third system, actually. Both of those kind of give me, kind of skeeve me out. Hose. A hose?

Hose.

That seems like

too much. It's got the little thing on the end so you can get the You know, the little gun thing? I'll do

the ice cream.

Okay, that's, that is the most popular choice. Do you want to sign up for the rewards program? Goodbye, Sylvia. Peace be with you.

And with your spirit.

Next to the, uh, machine is like a guy with like a little ice cream hat. He's got a few like little cups in front of him and he's like, Would you like a topping, sir? What? Got gummy bears?

No, no, I don't, I'm not, I'm not gonna eat this. I don't want any food. We got sprinkles.

Uh, we got M& M's, we got cum in there. Hey

buddy, don't use up all the sprinkles. I I'm not trying to use I got my kid with me. Trying to That is not appropriate. That is not okay. I'm just saying,

I got No, that's I'm talking about my cuff.

No, that's Nuh uh. No, sir, I'm gonna ask you to get a I Sylvia, can we remove this guy? I don't like his vibe. I I don't

That's Michael Henderson.

Mike, what the fuck? I I just I Okay.

Hey, it's a living.

You have like three livings. I have so many questions. No, I'm not part

of the clergy anymore We can talk about me later. Please make your selection so I can get my Sprinkles

fine. I'll take the pistachio

issue and We have a fine selection of sperm flavors. What race would you like? What race? I don't I I don't does it matter? Random, it is, okay. We'll do a swirl.

Here

you go, sir.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry, Jeff, don't forget to weigh it. You know, price based on weight. Sorry.

No, hold on. He's new,

this is his first training. I

thought this was a withdrawal system. I didn't realize that I actually had to give real money to this.

It's half a pound. You're not paying for the sperm, you're paying for the Half a pound?

Half a pound?

On it or not. You're not paying for the sperm, sir, you're paying for the toppings, you're not paying for the sperm. It's a lot of pistachios. I don't need that many pistachios. The pistachio, frankly, sir, if you were concerned about spending money, the pistachios are the most expensive topping on the menu. You can see right there, big board, all of the different toppings you can get with prices next to them. Prices by the pound.

There is no part of this discussion where I need pistachio. I was just doing it to move it along. Can we get rid of the pistach I don't need half Half a pound of pistachio is crazy. No matter what it's topping. If I was just that's too

many. We cannot take pistachios out of your cup of sperm and put them back into circulation. That is disgusting.

That's fun

health. That's gross. You can trash

it and I'll get a plain cup of, of Squirrel, and I can move on. You

almost said, And are you gonna pay for the pistachios that you've ruined?

No, I don't want to. I have a pound of pistachios. There's so many.

Sir.

We have his card on file. We

have your card on file. How did you get my card

on file? There you go.

If you do not pay. have this back. If you do not pay, we will send this to Cumlections.

How much money? Are the half pound of pistachios. 289.

50 What

the fuck, dude?

And one smile.

I'm not happy about this interaction. I'm not, I'm not gonna.

You must smile.

You see, Mike S, Mike K Gives the most Just starts Bearing his teeth like a chimpanzee Before attack, and grabs the cup And pays the 200. 00 Was that so hard? You're on my fucking list, Tenderson. Fucking Tenderson.

That's my massage business. Here, I'm Henderson.

What did I

say?

Tenderson.

Yeah, he said Tenderson. My

orthopedics business is called Tendonson. And they just get more complicated as we go on. It ends up being completely. What's your dentist's name? You should try his chicken, Tenderson. My dentistry name? It's Henderson. That's that was the original one. Oh, you're not gonna get me. Okay, you're not gonna get me You're not gonna pull one over on me. Okay, you know what I've been doing this for a long time, buddy. You know what Henderson? Yes,

Mike throws the cup of pistachios and semen into his face

Henderson does not react at all stone face. You think that's the first time anybody's ever done that to me, buddy You should see my towels. They are crusty as hell. I come home end of every day big wipe down the front,

sir Can I just get another cup to go? Yeah. Okay. Thank you. pistachios?

We see Mike walk outside of the sperm bank

He's got a cover on the little cup, walking super carefully down the street.

Hey buddy. Huh? That's a nice looking bowl of sperm you got there.

I'm sorry, what? I'm sorry, who are you? Are you just, are you cat calling me because of my purchase?

Nah, I'm just saying it's, it's a nice looking bowl. I don't know how to react. I don't know if I should say thank you, or

if I should.

What? As this interaction is happening, this man is wearing a trench coat. And he's flipping a coin. Uh, is following Mike along Catalpa underneath, and they stop underneath an overpass. You might call it an underpass.

Yeah. Hey, look, buddy. All I'm, all's I'm saying is it's a nice, uh, it's a nice product you got there. And I think in the right hands, it could be even more valuable. I couldn't

possibly fathom what you mean.

Let's just say I'm in the market. All right. Why? Because it's valuable.

Oh, I, cool. Okay, um, Great, I mean, listen. This is kind of important to me. This is already a super weird day. This is not making me feel particularly comfortable. It's going to take a lot to get me to give this thing away.

I've got something that might interest you. I

don't like the way you said that, Trenchcoat Man.

How'd you know my name?

Well, I just described you and put your gender or a pure gender at the end of it and I, uh, you know

Yeah, nice save Anyway, yeah.

Hold on. Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to possibly misgender you, Trenchcoat Man. You just didn't seem like the kind of guy that would.

No, it's true. I am a man. Though, if you must know, I am sterile. Which means I am in the market. What? I don't For nice bowls of sperm. I don't think they ask. Can I go home now? No way, sir. I have something to offer you for your delectable purchase there. So if

I say no to this, I can go home? You're not gonna say no, pal. Okay, I feel like I should, but okay. Whatcha got?

You, my friend, have the face of someone who likes Pokemon. And I can tell that, because you're clearly a virgin. Let me show you

Way off in the distance down the street. Got a virgin!

I've got here one of the most valuable cards you could ever imagine. And I don't think that's

possible. I don't think, I don't think that's possible. Man, I, look, I just What do you got? Why don't

you just take a look? That's a base set Charizard here, PSA graded, in a 10. These things last sold for a quarter million dollars, and you could have one too. That can't be real, a quarter million dollars? That is factually correct, you can look it up.

I, this is, that's crazy, I, man, yeah, I just wanna know, how would I even go about selling this for a quarter million dollars?

I don't know. You could try trading it for some sperm like I am. That's working for me.

I only paid about 200 for this and most of that was for pistachios. I don't know how you're flipping this for a quarter mil.

Then it's your lucky day, pal. Why do you question someone being nice? All's I'm saying is I need sperm fast. You're my guy. I have this card. I don't need it anymore What do you say?

All right, trench coat man. I'll take your deal

You could always go get more of the white gold. Give me. Pleasure doing business with you, Kaborkian. Are you not

welc hold on. I I walked in so easily. Are you not welcome in the sperm bank?

They don't like me. Let's just put it that way. Why? What did you

do

in the sperm bank? No one can know and live to tell the tale. Hey, is this the sperm bank? Uh, yes. How can I help you, sir? I was wondering. Is your refrigerator running? I'm not allowed within 50 feet of the store for the hypocrisy and evil that I did upon that business.

Well, thanks for the card.

Thanks for the juice.

He walks up the side of the overpass and hops on top and runs down Sunrise Highway. Bobby,

Bobby, we got it! And he disappears.

We cut to Lynbrook University.

Hmm, so yeah, basically I'm immortal now, Adam. That's cool. I think that's great. I'm working on this song. Hey, guys! Hey, Mike. Weird that you knocked on your own dorm room.

Well, I did, and I, I feel like the last time I was in here, I saw some things that were not cool, so I decided to, uh,

you mean yourself in the mirror?

That's, no, I didn't. Thanks.

No, I mean, anyway, how's your day, Mike?

Uh, it was pretty fucking great. I'll tell you that. Listen. Yeah. Well, you chuckle fucks. We're sitting here doing dumb shit on that guitar or whatever. I'm here. This is a

banjo.

I was, it is a guitar. It's a kind of guitar, and I, I was here. Trading for this 250, 000 Pokemon card. Look at this. What? No way. Yeah. This is a basic

Charizard. Base set. Base set Charizard. Okay. Well, let me see it then. Yeah, here you go. Wow. Base set, first edition. Mike, this is not that.

Mike, that's David Hasselhoff. This is a Baywatch trading card. No, it's not. No,

it's got the, it's got the tail. It's got the, it's got the

fangs. No, it's David Hasselhoff

shirtless on the beach. Dammit, the, the, the sunlight glistening off his abs threw me off. I thought there was fire. Yeah, it's a

holographic David Hasselhoff trading card from Baywatch. With all the graphic apps.

Let's see if it's worth anything. Yeah, it might still be worth something. It looks valuable. Oh, cool. Okay. So this is interesting. This card holds a Guinness world record. Really? It is the only card that people will pay to get rid of. Oh, no, Mike. Yeah, apparently, like, the, the, the, like, the foil on it causes, uh, causes sterile, gets you, makes you sterile.

It does what? Mike, it has a Surgeon General's warning right on the back. You didn't see this? No, no, no, no, no, no. Good job, buddy. No, this is Well, I mean, it's interesting. It's an interesting thing, and you're such a fucking virgin, you wouldn't have had kids anyway, so it's kind of like, you know

But what if I

did? I just,

I don't

I'd say keep it away from me, but I'm a regular at the Henderson. I,

I just, I, I, I traded something valuable for this. What do you have that's valuable? Yeah. Oh, I, I mean, I, I got something that was valuable. And now I have this thing instead. I just, I don't know. I, I traded some sperm for it, okay?

Oh, what do you mean the old fashioned? Okay, I mean by that. I didn't

know

you were whoring

yourself out I went to Henderson's I went to Henderson's you went

to Henderson's which one? the massage place the no the long haul trucking Rental

no that one closed down

really hen. Yeah, and hen toast sons Fenderson

Better. Yeah. Yeah, Fenderson's closed down a while ago. I, uh, it was, uh, yeah, no, I went to the sperm bank.

The sperm bank. You went to the sperm bank, and they rejected you from donating, I assume. No, they

didn't reject, in fact, they actually made me sign a mandate that I would come back. That's unfortunate for them.

With, you know, now that you've spoiled your product. Your crop.

Well, I didn't, we don't know that. This is,

where were you carrying the Hasselhoff card with the sterilizing foil?

I went under the underpass that, uh, from Catalpa. I don't

mean where in the world did you acquire? I mean, where on your body were you carrying it?

Oh, right in the

foreskin. Mike, I didn't realize that you

could pocket

it like that. That's impressive. You know, good on you, buddy. You know, people say that fashion is the buzz cut, but I'm glad you're sticking to your guns, you know?

You have The buzz cut? You got, you were in that lawsuit with Guinness world's longest hair person.

Yeah.

Right? Because you were claiming that your foreskin was longer than their hair.

I Yeah.

I mean It was so long you

called it five skin.

Yeah. I lost that lawsuit by the way. I'm, I'm deeply in debt. Well I mean as soon as they

brought out the ruler you were done.

Well why can't you get it back? Who'd you give it to? I gave it to Trenchcoat Man. Oh I know that guy. You know Trenchcoat Man? Yeah, I, I, um, n nevermind.

Oh, that was a furtive glance. I don't think I've ever seen Alex glance that furtively.

Yeah, no, he is not the secretive type. You You might you did you do something illegal with Trenchcoatman?

No. Not illegal. Alright, so you're gonna call the place, and then you're gonna say, Is your refrigerator running? Got it. He doesn't like me, that's for sure.

Yeah, I I So, Do you but do you have his number? Like, could we arrange a meetup? Cause I I want if this is gonna give me C cancer and various other ailments as he said cancer. Sterilization is

not cancerous. Mike,

look, it says right here, it's gonna, the sunlight is going to reflect off of the foil and boil your sperm in your balls. That's science. Internal hot

tub. Well, look, he hates me, and he already got Mike. The only person he doesn't know is Adam.

That's true. I guess I could help you out. I mean, I think it's important that we Undo what you undid Mike and get this sperm back for whatever purpose whatever you're gonna use it for hey I don't judge. Okay. Yeah, why

did you want sperm anyway Mike? Don't worry about it It was it was for a completely legitimate purpose that doesn't involve tricking you guys at all.

Oh, okay

What do we think should I? It, I think he shows up when he, you have something he wants. Really? Well he has sperm. What, what do you, what is a man who has everything sperm?

And a trench coat. Neat. You know, you know what you, where you go once you get sperms? You go looking for eggs. To the farm!

To the farm! Welcome to Limbrick University's Agricultural Studies, uh, seminar class. Uh, oh, gentlemen, just fill in the back there, latecomers. Oh, okay. Uh,

Dr. Professor Farmer Brown, I have to Uh, questions

at the end, Sonny. Oh, but Come on, Mike, questions at the end. It's just a short seminar. It will only be a few minutes, I'm sure.

So here, we're gonna kick off with the slide deck in just a second. Guinness longest slide deck of all time. And we're gonna be covering end to end the life cycle of the pistachio from planting to picking to topping. This is even what we're here for. So, it all starts with fertilization, okay? Yes, sir, in the back.

Hi, um, yeah, it's me again. Is that Mike? Mike? Yeah, it's, it's Mike Kevorkian.

Oh, Mike Kevorkian, yes, I saw you. You registered for this class and then dropped out because Why, why did you drop out before this semester started?

Um, uh, pistachios are yucky. Uh, but I did want to ask, um Do we have life? You got

pretty far in signing up for intro to pistachios before you dropped out and made that, uh

Yeah, but then I found out they're yucky. I got two questions for you. First of all Very importantly, how much does a typical half pound of pistachios go for?

What are we ta When are you doing this purchase? 2000 or 2025? Cause in 2000 About two and a half hours ago. Okay, 2025? 573. 18 and 1. 86 smiles. Wow Mike, sounds like you

got a really good deal that you did not take. We should go back there later. Yeah, you're absolutely right. Fuck the sperm, let's just go buy pistachios. We

cut back to, um, sorry, the boardroom of Henderson's empire. He's standing at, he's got the little desk, like the little desk where the president signs the laws. There's a very old woman, like, you know how when the president signs a law, there's always some, like, the victim's parent, or something, is there? Standing behind him, yeah. So he's, uh, Henderson is at the little desk. We've got the victims of the great pistachio allergy, um, epidemic that swept Lynbrook a couple years ago.

It encourages consumption of pistachios, yeah, this does not seem great.

Well, we're lowering Well, he signed it already. I signed it already! Now show everyone. It's a living.

Hey, excuse me. Yes, sir

in the

back. Hi, my name is Tom Higgins I'm from the Lindbergh Mail. I just have a question for you regarding the lawsuits associated with the vehicular manslaughter epidemic at Fenderson's Trucking Company

Um, I don't know what you're talking about. That business does not exist anymore and has never existed. So close down. It never

existed. I would like you to try to

find it on the org chart behind me. Henderson pulls down a world map sized org chart, which has so many branches. Point out, point it out. Do you see it? Do you see Fenderson's anywhere on

there? There's a big X.

You see my gymnastics team, Benderson.

In the background, there's a, there's a guy in a suit going like. We got one. Take him out.

Well, there's a big axe over Trump and you see, uh, Higgins head just explodes. He

gets shot in the head with a pistachio.

My follow up question, uh, was actually, could we, um, we kind of need some of your eggs? Is there a chance that we could

get that? You come to intro to pistachios asking about eggs? You do realize intro to eggs is on Wednesdays?

Do you have eggs?

Of course I have eggs, I run the whole I'm the dean of the agricultural school, of course! I have eggs, I've got a whole coop!

Okay, great! So can we make with the eggs?

Class, look, I'll admit attendance is low, it's just you three. Let's take a vote. Do we wanna skip the slide deck so I can go help these guys? With their little egg egg adventure.

I'm I'm so sorry, Justin. I know that you were really looking forward to this class, but, uh, we gotta we gotta That's okay,

I can't wait.

Justin,

you're really cool, Justin. He's

like, all the way in the back.

Justin, I can't physically can't email you the slide deck, Guinness is longest, but I will put it on a hard drive, and You can borrow that so you can review the material. That's okay, I printed it out. Oh, Jesus! Oh my God! That's Is that Guinness largest stack?

A little guy runs in. Uh, a small little guy. Hey, I'm Guinness! Uh, I'll measure this thing real quick, but I only have a, uh I think it's so

unfair that as part, as the condition for being named world's smallest man, you have to verify all of the Guinness records. That's unfair.

Yeah, and they also, they also made me change my name to Guinness. Uh, it was, yeah. It's really unfortunate. But, um, no one is, uh, shorter than one foot three inches, so, uh.

Anyway! This is gonna take a while. Let's go get those eggs. Anyway,

fellas. Sorry, Guinness.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'll do this quietly.

Alright fellas, let's go. He's got a lot of work to do. Justin's got a lot of work to do. Let's go to the back. Um, This class was taking place in a greenhouse. He steps, he opens up the doors of the greenhouse and they step into this full working farm on the campus of Lynbrook University. It's also got, like, uh, The horticulture garden, where all these exotic plants are, as well as, um, couple fields. Crop rotation, a couple of them are lying fallow for the season.

Oh, oh, it's about banging. Oh, he's a virgin.

Oh, yeah, you know, I saw that on your transcript. Yeah. Do

you hear

that? Clapping did you hear that? Is that a siren?

Wait,

it's on my transcript

now

Anyway, you said you need eggs

Yeah, yeah. No, I'd like um, how many do you think Alex four dozen or so? Uh, yeah,

at least that many.

You know what, uh, we'll

take

all

of them. Alright, let's do some quick math. I said I have 14 hens. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. As soon as they lay eggs, I take the eggs, bring them to market. I spend a lot of time at market, son.

Is that any relation to Henderson? Markitson.

Cut very quickly to Michael Henderson cutting big ribbon with big scissors in front of a grocery store.

I got a question! Pistachio takes the guy

out. So, it's gonna be a minute if we want four dozen. I can offer you fourteen right now, haven't gone to market yet. I was about to do my long slide so I didn't think I'd have time. Fourteen's fine. Okay, is that enough? Yeah, we can make fourteen work. Yeah, we'll make 14 work. Are you sure you guys don't want to hang out for a little bit? Nope. We could watch Pineapple Express. Which is what I call my, uh, hydroponic pineapple farm.

Oh. I would I'm glad, because, you know, Pineapple Express is overrated.

I was an associate producer on the movie Pineapple Express, so I'm I'll thank you to shut your fucking mouth and get out of here. Take these fucking eggs, and get off my goddamn farm.

Wow, okay.

Don't disrespect My life's work. Look, you see all this around you, that's not my life's work. My life's work is working with my man Judd. Working with Seth. Working with Jonah. Working with Franco, not so much. But I love those guys and I will not hear a word said against them. Fuck you! Very wide Uh, shot, like a very wide, like, Wes Anderson type of still shot of the overpass that, uh, Sunrise Highway uses to cross Catalpa. And we see the three of us climbing over the side.

I miss the recreational vehicle. Yeah, it's really sucked since we have,

we've had to walk everywhere, take the fucking bus, which I never have money for. I have to trade gossip for my bus fare. Jesus, and I'm all out of gossip. I

blame, I blame Wimbrook's poor urban planning. This shouldn't be. Hey, I tried my best! You did nothing!

So, this is where you last saw him, Mike? You saw him climb up the overpass and then run across Sunrise Highway?

Yeah, he walked upside down on it, too. Well, anyway, uh, Trenchcoat Man shows up when, uh, you least expect him. So, I think, Adam, if you're alone with the eggs, Mike and I, we can hide. Okay. Maybe he'll pop around. Do you

think that's his, uh, his place right there? That, uh, truck? That, it, I think it says It used to say Fenderson's, but it, that looks like it's gotten scratched out and it says trench code

on it. We could check at least, it's right here.

Yeah, I mean, I'm, I'm scared. I know, it got

really stormy really fast. It started raining, which it almost never does here. It's really weird. Yeah. Okay. I guess, alright, hand me the eggs. And we, we're sure we, we can only handle them loose. We don't think that there's a bag or a container that we can use?

No, no, they

come in dozens and we have fourteen. That wouldn't be useful. Classic hot dog bun situation. That's a good point. Alright, I'll take these over there. You guys, you know. Get close, but keep your distance. We don't want to spook him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello? Hello? You may enter. It's completely pitch black inside as I climb up.

Sorry, let me get the light. He's in his jammies.

Yeah, one little exposed light bulb with long chain. And it kind of looks like, it looks very similar to, I don't know if you guys have seen the show, Ray and Deborah Barone's living room. Except kind of like a, a like, bizarro version of it, where like the couch is all ripped up, and the stairs lead to nowhere. It's very creepy.

He's sitting, Trenchcoat Man is sitting in a chair, and he's petting the jar of sperm like it's a cat on his lap. I have not seen your ugly mug around here before. What can Trenchcoat Man get for you?

That's the thing. I actually have something that I wonder if you might be interested in.

I see. Present.

I lift up my shirt where I was holding the eggs under to keep them from getting wet. Hot

tamale. What do you think? Look at those shiny white guys.

And look at these, that I'm holding.

Alex,

Alex and Micro, Alex and Micro standing in the background, just kind of standing there. Listening

in the rain.

I like these guys. Uh, you know. This is 14 eggs. I, you know, I always thought twelve wasn't enough. I

agree.

Uh, and you know, ever since the bird flu epidemic, it's been hell trying to get me some eggs. I

know. Well, I've got a source. What can I say?

I see, I see. Trenchcoat is intrigued by this pro by this offer. Now, what I think I can offer for you instead is a small packet of cocaine.

Do you happen to have anything a little more valuable? Heroin? Mmm, I'm thinking of a different kind of white stuff.

Ah! Never melting snow. Used by Santa Claus to heighten his appearance whenever he shows up. What does that mean? Just sprinkle it in the air, it's asbestos.

Do you happen to have any semen?

Ah You're here for the, uh For the jizz, I see. The cum, if you will. Ah, yes, we're both gentlemen here, of course. Well, my friend, I'm afraid I'm all sold out of the white glitter.

Well, what's that right there? That you're That's white glitter. Holding on your ass. Sorry, I meant to say lap. That you're holding on your lap. What's that right there?

I don't know what you're talking about. The lack of egg is clogging my mind. What if

I give you a little taste? I see you've got your little knife there for tasting cocaine. What if you cut open one of these eggs, and

He takes an egg and cuts off like a third of it, but the egg does not break or shatter. Clean slice, he eats the shell. That's good shit. Blue, yellow, pink, I don't care whatever color, just bring me more of these. Anyway. Uh, yeah, that's pretty good. I'd say that's worth, uh, I don't know. Uh, two loads worth? Only two?

Well,

if you want three, you want three loaves,

give me a second. Okay. Right back. I'm taking these Remaining 13 eggs with me.

I'm gonna eat the rest of this one.

All right, you're welcome to it. That's good Go back out in the rain Guys, you get it. Well, here's the thing. He's offering Two loads, I might be able to get him up to three. Is that enough for whatever your purpose is, Mike?

I mean, it's more about the principle though, right? Like, Mike had his whole things taken from him.

Mike, how many, how many loads or load equivalents did you give him for the card? Well,

I mean, I only gave, I didn't count because after I picked out the pistachios, it was unclear as to how much was left. Mike,

was it a small, medium, or large? Wait, it wasn't jumbo, was it?

No, it was medium. It was medium. Um, Ah, that's 20

loads.

20? I bought 20 loads?

Yeah, I don't know what you were thinking, man. Yeah, I don't know either. No wonder it was so expensive.

But here's the thing, I kind of want more because, you know, he robbed me of my ability to reproduce, so Well, Mike, how

long has it been? It's been, what, two hours? Yeah. The timer, the digital timer that's built into the card? With the little, uh, skull and crossbones above it. It says you still have 60 minutes.

Oh! There's a countdown?

Yeah, and Mike, who knows? You could have been sterile the whole time. You've never had sex, so how can we know? Yeah, that's true.

Okay, thank you for, thank you for reminding me. That is, that is, that is a good point. Alright, I, so, you know what? Yeah, get, get 20 if you can. If you can't, then I'll take whatever you got.

So between 20 and 0 is acceptable to you?

I would, I would appreciate greater than two, but less than twenty.

Between

two and twenty. Why do I want Is That Much Cum, actually? I really only need one or two. Why do I want Is That

Much Cum?

That's a, that's a hat we gotta put on a shirt. Why do I want Is That Much Cum? If you didn't think this

show was an extended stroke before, no pun intended. So between two and twenty loads? Yeah, I guess. Let's go. You guys come a little closer. I think I might, he's given kind of I think he could pounce at any moment. I think if you guys just want to like get hide right in front of the doors of the truck. Okay. So I've conferred with my colleagues.

Ah, so have I. All 20 million of them. He holds up the jar.

Can I Can I get you up to 20 loads?

You see, my friend, that's this whole jar. And if I give you the whole jar, then I only have 800 jars left.

Can I ask you a question? Yes,

you may.

What are you doing with all of this sperm?

That is for a project called Operation Soaring Eagle, and it is above your pay grade, my friend.

We cut back to Henderson's boardroom, where he and Trenchcoat Man are sitting on opposite ends of the very long conference table. All of the heads of the various Henderson Enterprises are lining the sides of it. It's about 800 people. That old woman, the woman whose son died from the pistachios is still there. Trenchcoat man, do you understand the assignment?

Absolutely, sir. It's an easy one. Just gotta get all the sperm I can so we can jack up the prices. Literally.

Don't you mean jack off the prices?

Absolutely. Very funny sir.

Everyone fake laughs. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Dilute the jizz with pistachios and other various ingredients. And then, uh. Yeah, we do, we do, uh, we do a Scrooge McDuck, but instead of gold, it's cum. That's right. Yes.

Hey, I, I, I have a question.

Yeah,

what's up? Sorry, just so we're all clear on the visual, we're trying to, we're trying to amass a

room

full of cum. Imagine, imagine if you will, a pool of milk. That I am going to Dive into, and do, backstroke in, and etc. Okay, are we all clear?

No, I got it, I just, I, first of all, it's very nasty, and second of all, with all of the Shot

the head with a pistachio.

Anyone else have any problems with Operation Soaring Eagle? Anybody have any better names? Maybe something that kind of eludes to come. I can pull the whiteboard down if we want to workshop it a little bit. Pretty good. Anyone get the load, load another pistachio. And just in case someone has something better and we got to get rid of this. Anybody have anything better? Operation White Duck. Operation White Duck.

Operation Overload.

That's it! Operation Overload! Yeah!

The two people that suggested the other two names get shot in the head. Everyone rips their

shirts off. They stand up. They're swole as hell. They flip the very long table. Trenchcoat Man is just sitting in his chair, calmly, ready to execute on the plan.

Yeah. That's what this has all been about, so the world's richest man can swim around in a pool of other men's jizz. I can't let him down.

What did you say?

Nothing, sir.

You were muttering there for a

second. So Nah, we're cool. Uh, look. It's an important It's important that I get as much as I need. That much is clear. However, I skipped breakfast. And, if I know me, This stuff will end up back in my grass before we know it. He throws it to ya.

Catch it, one hand.

Leave the eggs out in the rain. I like my breakfast soggy.

Did I, did I win? Did I win this?

You did good, kid. Alright. Don't tell the boss.

Alright. It's been a pleasure working with you.

I don't know who you are, and I don't plan to learn. Okay. Goodbye. Goodbye. I like

trench coat, man. We cut to the dorm room. We're all sitting around. So we cut back to the dorm room. The three of us are sitting in chairs around the coffee table. The cup of jizz is the only thing on it. We're staring at it silently. Well, Mike, uh, now that you've got the cum, what were you gonna do with it?

Mike reaches into his back pocket, pulls out a condom, unravels it.

We watch him silently, stone faced, as he unravels the condom. Like a

little tablespoon. He's got a Pours the coke into the cup. Like it overfills a little bit. It overflows. It's, it's messy. It drips everywhere.

Just stone face watching you. We just watch him as

he moves. By the way, 20 loads worth of jizz. Into one condom. Methodically into the condom. He completes the task.

Guys, I, I had sex.

Holy shit, what? You had sex? No way! He did it! Adam, can you believe this?

Mike, that's not sex.

What?

No.

You don't know that. Common condom, that means sex.

I'm sorry, try again. Better luck next time, buddy.

Yeah, wow, that is almost 30 years of, uh, virgin buildup right there.

Can we take it out of my transcript now? That's not up to us. I don't like my

professors knowing that. Mike, what have you learned from this experience? I And it's not how to have sex, clearly.

Yeah. I learned that David Hasselhoff makes men sterile.

Fair. Yeah, you get Fair. Make sure you get rid of that card, by the way.

Yeah, no, I sold it off to a guy. I sold it off, I mean, I gave him another 289.

You need to stop spending hundreds of dollars every day.

You can't make me.

I strongly, as your accountant, majoring in accountancy, by the way, I strongly advise you not to. Accountancy! Accountancy, not accounting! This is a little more mystical, so it's kind of a cross between accounting and sorcery. Um, cook the books, meaning in a big cauldron, um, et cetera, you know. I'm a wizard with numbers, what can I say? But you, you will still do the very complicated, um, three number average that we do at the end of every episode. Yeah, yeah, you got it.

I worked so hard for this thing.

We're going to look at it the whole time. Yeah. Okay, so if you

skip ahead to the episode discussion in the podcast, just know that what you missed is that Mike is holding throughout our entire discussion, Mike is holding a drastically overfilled condom full of God knows who's ejaculate. Welcome to the Barone Zone! We are talking about Season 4, Episode 17 of Everybody Loves Raymond. Hackidu, where Ray tries to learn about Ally's favorite card game. Yay! Another in our series of Season 4 classics. Am I right, fellas?

Absolutely. I mean, this one rang extra close to home because I, this is, I mean, we, we've talked about it before we, we recorded a little bit, but this, this is the Pokemon, uh, equivalent, uh, like this. This is the Pokemon

episode.

This, this lines up exactly when the Pokemon craze first began, especially the Pokemon cards and like the whole joke of the parents. Uh, generation was like, the gotta catch em all slogan was just ergo, like, buy all our shit. Uh, and you can see it in here, uh, plenty of other, uh, shows from this time did something similar. My Mind Goes to South Park immediately, uh, with their Chimpokamon, uh, episode, which translates to penis monster in Japanese. Yes. Sorry, that was a side tangent.

its way to

you? No, I just found like a South Park facts video, and I was like, I guess I'll watch this instead of, you know, doing my job. Anyway,

yeah, no, I think we all remember Pokemon from growing up and It was a sensation the games the cards

Still is very much. So it's still the I think it still has, it still has the record of the, uh, the most profitable media franchise of all time.

Is that Guinness?

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah. No, like genuinely between the video games, the cards, the shows, the movies.

Ain't even close. More than anything else. I think Star Wars is second. Wow. Um, but yeah, it's, it's a very far divide and frankly, I mean, I, I, I'm still very caught up in that scene and recently, in recent events, if you are a Pokemon person like, you know that the Pokemon card craze is like insane right now with all the price manipulations and like cards that were like three dollars a few months ago are running like for 40 bucks. Um, they're being artificially invaded. Wow. Interesting.

Do you, do you have any options for like a fast liquidation? Like, get out quick?

No, and I, I, I don't want to. I'm more into the, if I wanted to make money, I wouldn't buy Pokemon cards. It's a stupid investment, but it's fun to collect.

It's famously not good. There's also, I've also found, so first of all, I think it's goes without saying that I love Pokemon still to this day, as does Alex, I think it's fair to say. Um, what I have also picked up on is that because many. Social media websites have clamped down on gambling videos. They have instead started to do, uh, opening Pokemon card, uh, uh, Pokemon cards. As a way of seeing, okay, did we get the most valuable one?

it's, it's never a good investment, um, unless you keep your stuff sealed, um, because packs from the 90s are currently going for Like hundreds, if not thousands of dollars. Um, and that is worth more than basically anything you can find in them, except for that esteem Charizard in, uh, the base set packs, which are the very, what does that mean? Uh, base set is the first release of Pokemon.

Yeah.

Like, those packs that are now insane, like, insanely valuable, like, they couldn't give those away in the mid 2000s. Like, I went to Maddie's Toy Shop, and I could get, like, like, three of them for five bucks.

Is that a small Linbrook toy shop? Yes, it was. Really? Yeah. Tell me about this place.

Actually, it still is, right? It's still there. I don't know if it is, but, uh, yeah, it's, it was this place called Maddie's Toy Shop. Are we saying M A T

T Y or M A D D I E? I think it's D E T T Y. Oh,

I thought it was T T Y. No, you're right, you're right, you're right. Yeah. You said that and it immediately hit me. It's critically

important.

Uh, there was a train in the logo. Um, yeah, that's,

uh, No, it was like, it was,

it was going like, it was like almost like it was underlining the, uh, the, the Maddie's toy shop.

All right. So it is still open. I just looked it up. Oh, good. It's technically, oh, I'm looking at the one in Rockville Center. May as well be in

Russia.

I mean, that's like five minutes away. It is

still, you got to take a point. Yes.

The one we're thinking of is in Hewlett technically, but it's right down the road from Lynbrook. It is still open. Hmm. Shout out. I bet they would sponsor. Maddie's Toy Shop. I went in there like five years ago and it's fricking last to the past.

I want to pick Adam's PR brain for a second. Do you think Maddie's Toy Shop would sponsor this episode of The Barone Zone?

Maybe not this episode, but an episode. Squish. We're going to have to clean the ceiling now. Well, that's interesting. Um, but in this episode Suffice to say, yeah.

Pokemon cards are very, very interesting to learn about. I encourage you, if you are interested, to learn about the history of, like, uh, the collection, the collecting, the pricings. Cause, honestly, like, seeing the correlations in this episode, I mean, the The, the, the, the card Ally wants is, I think, an equivalent to either Charizard or Mewtwo or Gyarados, like a, like a popular card from back in the day. And those were, at this time, going for, like, maybe 20 bucks.

I wonder, um Yeah, I think, what is the little guy that, uh, your guy, Charizard, starts as?

Charmander. Oh, okay,

so that's not exactly, like, Scramasaur, but it's kind of the same construction of, like, uh, sound plus, like, a dinosaur word or something. Yeah,

yeah. It's just like a collection of animal bullshit that forms a word. That's Pokemon. Here's what we

got. Venipod. Rainwiffle. E Jazz. Scramasaur. And, uh, what is the other one? It's like Squal Squalawag or something. I will say Venipod

is Venipod is very close to a Pokemon that got invented, like, almost 20 years later. Venipede. They should sue. Well, I was also thinking it's close to Venonat. And Venonat, you're right, and Metapod. It's a combination of Venonat and Metapod.

You're saying Menopause?

Yes, Adam. We're saying Menopause. That's a Pokemon. That's a monster that you can catch, yeah!

Hey, it's perfectly natural. It's just a different phase of life.

Um, regardless, that is, yeah. I just want to move on. Don't

try to moralize on this podcast. What are you doing? I'm not. No, I'm not talking to you. Oh, I'm sorry that

normalizing menopause is so offensive to you, Mike.

Uh, no, I, I stand against. Adam,

Mike, we are a diverse panel of white guys. Let us have this.

Alright, so this episode, the proxy for Pokemon is Hakkidoo. And apparently it's Korean, unlike Pokemon, which is Japan, right? Japanese? Yes, that's correct. It is Japan. I noticed

that as well, and I think they did it mainly because of, uh Because of Frank's previous, uh, relations with Korea. It absolutely was

just to set up the line, This is the work of the North Koreans. Which did, yeah, and also, yeah, the North Korea

thing. That was a good line.

Let's talk about, uh, So, there's the first scene, like the cold open, And then the first full scene. And then they go back to it later. This is setting up for the school carnival in the gym. What a set! What a set, a school gym set. I think we'll see it again, I feel like I've seen it before, maybe I'm just thinking of this episode, but, new set.

about how he? How his attempt at be at asserting masculinity is just trying and failing to be an absolute douchebag to his wife. Yes, and

telling Parker, I gotta put her in her place sometimes like Okay, Ray

What an idiot. And that's kind of what he was raised on, right? That's true. In his childhood, Frank was the alpha male, and Oh, that's really interesting, actually. We can see where, uh, where, where he gets kind of his idea of, like, masculinity.

Or at least where his idea of how to relate with other men, you know, comes from. Absolutely. It's like, oh, all my idealized version of a man is my father, and so if I want to relate to men, gotta act like Frank. Better talk about the North Koreans. Um. Yeah, no, that's really interesting, but Parker makes Tyler give all of the cards back. He's like, oh, that was a bad trade. You shouldn't have done that. That's not fair to Allie. Um, and then Ray, you know, they run off, Ray sneaks out.

yeah, this is one of the few. Well, I shouldn't say few, but this is one of those episodes that I actually remember, so I knew immediately what was going on. Uh, so, uh, I appreciate your perspective of, like, just being completely in the blank. No, I

got some satisfaction out of finding out that Parker had, was kind of playing Rey in this. to hold on to the Scramasaur, which as we find out is worth all of 65, which is 120 today. Um, yeah, we find out in that next scene that, uh, so Deborah is very mad at Rafer. Uh, undoing Allie's hacky doo trade, um, which I feel like is kind of justified. I think there's some

She's entirely right.

Yeah. There's some, um, even if it was a bad trade, like, I don't know, like

No, you let the kid live with it. Like, that's kind of part of it. It's

part of the, like, there is like a macroeconomics lesson in this, or I guess it's my, I don't know. But there's like an economics lesson in this episode of, like, a transaction, and then we get Ray trying to explain artificial scarcity to Allie, and then she shoots back with some real monetary policy critique of, these are just pieces of paper with a picture on them. And she's like, like money, and Ray's like, Oh,

those are

important pieces of paper. Ali's trade reminds me of a real life trade I did when I was in middle school. And this story will make Adam feel nothing, but Mike will physically cringe. Um, I traded away my copy of Pokemon Leaf Green for a Game Boy trading cable. A what? Just like a cable that allows, that connects two Game Boys to trade each other.

Alex, what the hell? Why? The

value of both of those items today. Pokemon Leaf Green, if you're lucky you can get it for like 130. Wow. The trading cable, six bucks.

Damn. I just care about it for nostalgia purposes. That's, that's awful.

I have since, uh, reclaimed Leafgreen and own it, but, uh, Did it cost you

130?

No, I actually got it, I got it in a two pack of a FireRed and a Leafgreen, I paid 200 for it.

This was years ago. You didn't hunt down the kid you made this trade with and kill him?

No, we're cool, we're cool. It was my idea, I wanted it. Um, you know, I have no ill will against him. I remember him, he was a cool guy. Remember him fondly. Yeah, he, he, we're fond, we're cool. We haven't talked in like ten years, we're cool.

We go back to the house, right? The fellas, Ray, Robert, and Frank watching the game. Uh, and then Frank explains, uh, no, these hack and sack cards. Kids love that card crap. Ray was all loopy about Batman cards. Frank used them for table stabilization. And then it rained, and the cards got ruined. And Ray, just looking betrayed, not sad, not crying, but betrayed, tore his heart out.

Okay, I, I kinda got that though, because I feel like if, if my family did that with my Pokemon cards, I, I wouldn't cry. I would just feel betrayed.

They devalued something that was very

important to you.

Mm

hmm. Absolutely. Um, yeah. Also, I want to point out, it's the next little part of this scene, but Marie coming in, and just knowing everything about Hackidu is like, yes, my grandparents were the same fucking way.

Her deadpan delivery of it is the funniest part of the episode.

Yeah.

And the grandma, I have this in candy. Scramasaur is the fastest creature on Hackidu Mountain. He starts off his slug a wog, and then he gets the sonic crystal, and yeah, just hilarious. It's the best part of this episode, I think. Yeah,

absolutely.

Um Oh, and Frank talking about Ray's Batman cards. It's the one thing I did wrong. And then Robert saying, What about the time you ran over my foot with the car? I don't remember that. Great.

Awesome. I love it.

Well, we did, this is the work of the North Koreans. So, Uh, Frank, everyone kind of realizes that Parker took him for a ride. Satchmo, this is business, 65 worth. Um, and so Ray goes and storms off to confront Parker. I wasn't sure when he goes back to the gym, is this the same day? Like, did he just leave the cave and Parker was like working in there all night?

My assumption is yes, because when he arrives back home, it's raining. And both times I believe he gets back home.

In the first scene?

No, wait, actually you're right, because when Marie comes in, she's not wet. I think it is My interpretation was that this all happens over the course of one Afternoon evening.

Okay,

but maybe I'm wrong.

It makes sense. But anyway, Parker's still at the gym Oh, Ray, you know says your boyfriend referring to Parker to Debra Your boyfriend is not as great as you think he is or whatever and obviously that's funny because they're married in real life and then Robert after Ray leaves if Debra is Fucking Parker Robert says this could explain why all the kids are blonde. Ha ha ha ha Debra And smart. Ha ha ha ha. Pretty fun. Yeah, it was good. And those were good,

good one too. Yeah. Good one too.

Ray tries to negotiate with Parker. It's okay. If your boy wants to trade back, Parker doesn't bite. Tries to play the grandma card, which I thought was funny. When Parker is like, everyone knows you hate your mother. Um, Ray offers to buy it. And Parker asked for a hundred dollars, uh, confirming the theory that Parker knew all along the card was valuable.

He tries to unionize them. I loved it. Let's go! Tries and desperately fails

to unionize them. It's great. It's great. Because no one else gives a shit. And honestly, I don't think, um What's his name? The other dad did anything too wrong, like, he saw, he saw that the, the card his kid was giving up was pretty valuable and he was like, hey, let's stop this. I

mean, I, I mean, I'm opposed to him stepping in in the first place for the same reason I was opposed to Ray stepping in. You gotta let the kids make their own mistakes. If they're upset, then that's a lesson in and of itself. Parents don't need to get involved with that kid crap. Um, that being said. I would say,

unless the Kid like feels like they were taken advantage of and wants the parent to intervene, but yeah You shouldn't be right especially with you know, Ray having no familiarity with these cards Like you don't need to get involved just to basically did it to impress Parker. So yeah,

right So I was opposed to him stepping in the first place after that He's entirely right to say to tell Ray to go play with himself. So I'm yeah

Uh, hi on Hacky Do Mountain where the flames shoot forth in the night. This is a good song.

It actually was very, it, it pretty catchy. Almost not as good as like Pokemon, like

Pokemon song. Gotta catch 'em all. Pokemon, uh, hacked Do song Uncredited Music by Rick Marada, who is the like composer for the show, uh, lyrics by Steve Stroven and Lou Schneider. Two writers on the show. Not bad. Pretty good song.

I like it.

Um. Robert on the couch with the kids watching Hackidu. Uh, they jump on him, and he references his bull injury. Man, this bull injury is a solid piece of continuity for Robert's character. Like, it's like his main character trait now, instead of the chin thing. It really is. That he's got a hole in his ass. Upper thigh hole. Made me, made me laugh. That's a thinker. It's pretty good.

Dad says it's a high knee. I like that.

Um, tells Allie he couldn't get the card back. And she didn't, she doesn't cry. She just looks betrayed. And then Ray and Debra are arguing about this. And then Robert shuts him down. By pointing Ray to Russell's Comic Shop in Hohokus, New Jersey. Which I'm familiar with as a sign that I have driven past on my way through New Jersey up to New York's beautiful, scenic Hudson Valley. Um, before that, sorry, he went and looked for the Scramasaur card at a bunch of stores. Couldn't get it.

I gotta, I gotta be honest. When he did the thing where he put it in his paws and spun it, that was, that was delightful. I don't know, that made me, that made me chuckle. I would have loved that as a kid.

She's not impressed by it. I wonder why he didn't get other Hackidu cards though. Like, I don't know. He

said he wasn't able to. He said that they weren't selling them. They weren't selling

any of them?

Yeah, that's what, that's what the line said. I don't know if I didn't miss

that. Anyway. I mean, hey, you never know. So then we get Ray going up to Allie's room explaining artificial scarcity. Uh, she says that she doesn't want Scramasaur because it's rare. It's because it's her favorite. She loves him. This was very touching.

Yeah, no, it was, yeah, it was cute. It was very cute. And just to watch across Ray's face and go, Oh, she's not trying to scare trying to do a get rich quick scheme. This is just Her being an innocent child is, is kinda, yeah, I like that. Especially as the realization crosses his face of like, Ah, crap, I gotta go to Hocus. That's been 65.

He thinks only 65. Russell's Vintage Comics, okay, Clarence, this guy in the trench coat, uncredited. Think he might be one of our writers? I don't know, I didn't recognize him. But, um, he hurriedly leaves, as if he was, I don't know, buying pornography or something. We'll talk about that in a second. Um, Ray goes up to the counter, says, I'm looking for Russell, I'm Robert's brother, get out. He hates Robert. Uh, Ray. Funny. I liked Ray. Robert and I were not really that close.

I feel like they just read fan letters about how they handled Robert and Amy's breakup. Yeah.

So obviously Russell hates Robert because he and Amy broke up. He is under the impression that Robert dumped Amy. Ray is under the opposite impression. I thought his line Of, to Ray, after he starts kind of agreeing with him about what a loser Robert is. Amy should be with you. And then Ray's response, don't think I haven't thought of that. Very interesting. I thought

it was, I thought the reaction to the reaction was very funny. Of uh, Russell going like, yeah, wait. I don't know, that made me, that made me chuckle. That was good. I uh, yeah, I really liked. I, I loved the, I love this Russell character and I know we're going to talk about his replacement eventually with Chris Elliott, but, um, this, this interaction was a lot of fun.

umbrella struggle. Very funny. And then, what does he say? He says like, stupid New Jersey or something like that? Or stupid ho hocus? I don't know. Um, yeah. Yeah. Very funny. Physical comedy. Um, Russell says Hackidu is evil, no substance, no truth, kiddie crack. Ray says I need 65 worth. Um, Russell diverts him to Little Lotta. I don't know if you're familiar with Little Lotta outside of this. Is that a real

thing? Yep. Oh, I didn't know that. So is she actually morbidly obese or is that an exaggeration? That's an

exaggeration. Lotta's a little girl with a bow on her head. And although she's morbidly obese, she still finds happiness. His delivery of that was very funny, I thought. It was very funny. And then Ray, do you have a partner I could talk to? Um, followed by the question, Do you have a daughter? And the response, I have a snake. I have a snake. That's not

morbidly obese. She's not morbidly obese. Uh oh, going into the fan art. Oh no no no!

Oh no no no no

no! Oh no no no! Oh no no no no no! Alright, that's enough.

Ray buys some comics to appease Russell and get him to sell him the Scramasaur. And I thought it was very funny that Russell takes out the briefcase, opens it, and then turns it ever so slightly to prevent Ray from seeing the interior of the briefcase. That is such a funny, small, physical choice. Um, and then he charges Ray 289. 50 and one smile for the card. That would be 537. 18 and 1. 86 smiles today.

So much money.

Adjusted for it. That is so much so much smile so much. I don't even know how I would do 0. 86 of a smile

like that Yeah, it looks like 0. 86 of a smile.

You could interpret it as either like Two smiles is the degree of smiling, like you're smiling double the like intensity or you could look at it as like a partial, like two smiles, one regular smile followed by a discreet, like partial smile with only a portion of your mouth. Helpful? Unhelpful? I don't know. Helpful. Ray, uh, yeah, so Ray gets the card from Russell. Now let's talk about and the controversy. Let's teach the controversy.

Myth.

So, the IMDB trivia, and many people, the people who week after week comment on the post in the Everybody Loves Raymond subreddit as if it's new information, everybody says something to the effect of Ray Romano demanded that Paul Reubens be fired from the cast of Everybody Loves Raymond, or Ray would quit the show. Background, Paul Reubens, of course, is famous for two things, playing Pee Wee Herman and jacking it.

that, okay, so I'm just gonna say, um, I'm sorry, sorry to tell you this, Adam, I know, I'm not, I'm gonna cut you off before we get to your opinions on Woody Allen, but I, I just gotta say Did any of that

sound like I was defending him? Mm, I don't know. Of course not. I

don't know. Uh, you get, you put some very legalese in there. I'm gonna say Uh, to anyone listening here, general word of advice, don't buy your porn in bulk.

That is a good lesson from this. Don't And also Always, if you're buying pornography, catalog it. Make sure you have a complete inventory of what you're buying. Gotta

catch em all.

That is kind of his approach, I guess. Yeah. If he wants to catch all the Catch em all. 18

plus.

Yes.

18, 18 plus specifically. Yeah. I don't think that anybody is going to buy the idea of, no, I was just academically interested in those teen nude photographs. He

considered them art. Um,

bullshit. I don't know. Very

weird. But Yeah. Anyway, so this happens, right? And uh, you know, the news breaks in 2002. Now this episode aired in 2000. This is the only episode that Paul Rubins appears on. So when they were writing season seven in 2002 and planning to introduce Amy's family as regulars on the show, they clearly. Given the news about what was going on in his life, decided not to bring Paul Reubens back and replace him with Chris Elliott as Peter.

we, so we discussed this prior to the show. I think we reached the more likely thing was, first of all, he was, Paul Rubens was not a regular employee of the show. They would have had to rehire him and the higher ups of the show, which at this time would have included Ray Romano,

um,

made the wise decision. To, Hey, let's not endorse this, this, let's avoid the controversy. Uh, this deviant Yeah. Mm-hmm . And, uh, let's, let's, uh, yeah. So I don't doubt that Ray was probably on the side of, Hey, yeah, let's not bring him back. Uh, I just, what we discussed is not a hundred percent sure that it was. Uh, him, Ray Romano, putting on a shi uh, uh, shining armor, standing on the back of a horse and gallivanting to the, uh, to the, yeah, we got a fire. The guy, I don't

picture him slamming his hand on the table in front of all the CBS executives saying either we fire Paul Rubins or I walk. I, none of that happened.

To be clear might have happened. We, we don't know for sure. Sure, it might have happened, but. But it's, it's not the fact that it's being repeated as.

And also, if you think about it logically, who would he be arguing against? Right, like, unless Who's saying

we should bring him back? Yeah. Right, unless it's I think everyone was just in agreement right away. Everybody was like, oh, that guy His brother, Jeffrey

Rubens. I don't know if he's got a brother, Jeffrey, I'm making that up. But unless there's like a relative, I can't imagine there were many people that were Paul peewee apologists.

I don't know, but I, I've, I am on the side of the five people who mark that as unhelpful on IMDB. Not because it's not necessarily true, but because it perpetuates a harmful myth about the heroism of Rey. It's stolen valor is what it is.

We, we, we here at everybody, uh, sorry, at the Barone Zone, every, we here at the Barone Zone want to stand against Rey being marked as a hero. I'm, I'm, just for the record, by all accounts, Rey Romano seems to be a perfectly pleasant guy. He seems to be very, he seems to be very nice. On the right side of all issues, yes. Yeah, yeah, we're not saying, we're not saying anything bad about him, this is for the bit, but yeah, just, just clearing up the controversy.

Yes, clearing up, teaching the controversy, if you disagree with us, and you have, if you have proof, I would love to see it. I will happily admit I'm wrong if you provide proof, write to us at Raymond at postfund. org. Anyway, that's my soapbox, trying to inject a little, like, I know you've been holding that one in, bud. It's, it's, controversy sells. Anything you guys want to say about this episode?

I liked the conclusion. I liked the final scene where he brings it back and Allie gets the smile. And, uh, Robert's line of, um, Oh, what was it? A little girl's smile. How can you put a price on that? 289. 50. That was great. Uh, I liked that Allie immediately folded it. That was also really funny.

That, that hurt my soul. Yeah.

Um, but in general, this was a very good episode. I want to say What the hell is Robert talking about? He vouches for Russell as a quote good guy twice I don't know if we even putting aside that he's Pee wee Herman I I don't think that I got the impression that Russell was a great guy I

don't I don't think Robert's spoken to him since he and Amy broke up Yeah, and maybe if I had to guess

who knows what their relationship and interactions have been Oh, yeah, Robert looking at the comics that Ray bought Look at this little lotto. Look how fat she is. Ha ha ha ha. I feel like that could have been a meta I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt that was a meta joke, like, Why would anybody think this was funny? Like, that's not a comedy premise. So I'm I'm interpreting it as that. But anyway. Okay, cool.

Anything else, Alex? The fact that, uh, Russell did not have that card in a card saver. I just think it's the exact same thing. No,

my thought was, Oh my God, it's pouring rain outside.

How is,

it's raining outside. How the hell is Ray gonna get that to the card without it being wet? I, I was so worried.

I mean, look, it was the 90s, I get it. It just, you know, the series just dropped, but like, hey, it's why they're valuable today. Bunch of stupid kids not taking care of them, including myself. And Mike and parents and, uh, and parents.

Okay, let's turn our attention to our classic barometer, it's our rating scale from 1 to 10, on which we rate Ray's performance as a husband, son, brother, father, hacky doo trainer, um, with 10 being the best dads of sitcom history, your Danny Tanners and Uncle Phils, and 1 being the men who actively harm their families, Don Draper, Walter White. Alex, where is Ray coming in for you this episode?

Uh, Ray, you know, frankly, I'm not that pissed at Ray this time, frankly, um, Ray, I mean, look, he did step in for the kid trade, but you know, he was standing up for his kid. He thought she was getting a bad rap. He probably bought her those cards. So to see her, like, throw them all away for, like, one without understanding, you know, the, you know, intrepid value, or even that just she wanted that one a lot. Um, you know, I see the good in him.

through the city gotta go through Brooklyn and Queens gotta go across Staten Island like yeah

shot he spent like Half a grand by today's standards on that stuff. That's true. That he didn't want. Um, So I feel like I can't be too mean to him. He did good. He really, like, it showed how much he cares about Allie just being happy. Um, And you know, Uh, for the mistakes he made, I'll take off a little bit, but I think a seven and a half is, is appropriate. Cool.

Mike. I'm in the same vein. Uh, he did really bad at the top of the episode. He, uh, disrespected. Tepra a lot, uh, at the, uh, during the, he was not helpful during the charity carnival thing. Um, yeah, I mean, yeah, he didn't do the best when he was trying to negotiate the trade between Allie and Tyler, but hey, like, he doesn't know this crap. Yeah, it wasn't perfect, but I'm not gonna knock him too much for that.

I am in the same neighborhood. I definitely want to take off a little bit for his, his behavior towards Deborah throughout the episode is a little questionable. Obviously, the sort of performative toxic masculinity at the carnival. Um, and just kind of being a dick to her even before Parker's on the scene. And then the bickering and the arguing in each of the living room scenes. Um, I think Debra's in the right, and I think he realizes eventually that she's in the right.

Okay, well that will land us at an average of a seven point three for this episode.

Okay, pretty good. Pretty good Now there's only one last thing to do, you know, we like to end these episodes with something inspirational with something moving with something that You know, just like a load of inspiration, joy. Yes. A load of joy for our listeners, something to make them happy, something to fill them up, uh, as they go into their week. Uh, I think what we'll do guys.

Okay. I'm gonna give this one more real try.

Yeah, no, great.

I don't know what you mean by that, but go, go ahead. I saw a quote the other day that I really liked to remind people about how important it is to take care of not only others, but yourself. The quoting question is, Don't set yourself on fire trying to keep other people warm.

Oh, you know, that's very

sweet. I like that. That's pretty good. Yeah, that's a little funny. It's like, yeah. No, that's good. Okay. That one's good. We got that clean. Okay. Mike, do you have anything inspirational that you would like to leave the listener with moving into this next week?

Yeah. You know what? Actually, I do. I, um. You. I, I, I know you guys know I, I'm a big fan of Hollywood. Of course. Just had the Oscars. Yes. You know what really inspired me? Really? Hollywood, really Hollywood's

big night. Really?

Hollywood's big night. What really, really took me back was actually, um, Adrian Brody. Yes. I don't know if you guys saw, he, uh, set a new world record for the longest in Yes. And Oscar's history. Yeah. Guinness. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For 5 minutes and 31 seconds, we just listened to this man talk about how, how hard it is to be a, uh, an actor, and how to, and, and, and all this stuff, and man, he overcame so much, so I'd just like to read a little snippet from this 5 minute and 31 second speech.

I mean, we have gotten the bump. We've gotten the Brody bump. I mean, he mentioned the Baruch voice in his Oxford speech. He did. Yeah. So to be fair,

most people did tune out as of minute, like, uh, as of second, like 35, but you know,

there was

five minutes of good content in there. About four and a half minutes of that was just him ranting about the Baroness Zonis. He has a lot of

thoughts on our scruples episodes. He's like, these guys spend too much time playing scruples. It's not really anything like a substance, but he liked our episode about somewhere, uh, welcome to Mooseport. He liked our episode about somewhere in Queens. Like that's kind of what we do is on the Baroness Zonis, little themed episodes. Interact with other stuff, uh, in the Raymond universe. So movies or TV shows that the cast has appeared in. Um, and we'll play fun games.

I

know a lot of great stuff at the baroness zonus, you know, which is that post fund. org slash donate. Um, you know, yeah, or that Mike, Alex, honestly, I mean, just this just this time, I

mean,

can you blame just this time? Like it's pretty, can you blame? Would you blame me if I just, I mean, we got to acknowledge the Brody thing. Would you blame me if I just use mics just this week, just this week, I'll use mics and then next time I'll use yours. Is that, I mean, is that okay with you? I mean, you understand, right? Obviously it makes sense.

I'm gonna shit en rage, . Adam: Okay, then we gotta, we gotta go. Yeah, we gotta clear out. We gotta clear out here. We gotta clear out because he's already trembling and I don't think he's gonna make it to the bathroom. Okay, , that's it for us. Thank you so much for listening to the Barone Zone. We will see you next time to talk about season fours. So. Um, but until then, there's only one last thing to say. It's our classic sign off. Everybody loves Raymond. And we love you.