Jason Smith: [00:00:00] Hi, welcome to BariNation, where we support the bariatric community with humor, humility, and honesty.
April Williams: You've just tuned into a podcast that welcomes you into a community, a resource center, and a safe place that powers your [00:00:15] journey towards personal wellness.
Natalie Tierney: Our goal is you leave us today feeling hopeful, inspired, and ready to live your best bariatric life.
April Williams: Hey friends, it's April. [00:00:30] In today's podcast episode, you are going to hear a 10 minute segment for an amazing conversation I recently had with Rodolfo Alvarez. Rodolfo is a mindset expert in the BariNation membership community, and he leads classes every month [00:00:45] that help us really dive deep into this work of weight loss surgery.
Today's conversation is all about our response when we are having conversations with people that we have relationships with. Uh, sometimes they might say things that are a little bit triggering [00:01:00] and we respond with a fight or flight response. And in today's segment, Rodolfo is going to explain to us why that happens and what we could do to respond in a different way so that Our communication is effective and we [00:01:15] are maintaining or improving the relationships that we have.
If this is something that you know you'd like to improve on, join the BariNation membership community. Take the classes with Rodolfo in real time or watch the recordings in our on demand library. You can [00:01:30] even attend his meetups every other week where he is going to be focusing on leading people through this process of effective communication.
You can learn more about our community at barrynation. mn. co. All right. Enjoy the segment and I'll see you in [00:01:45] Barry Nation soon. How can I show up in a conversation in a way that is constructive? That is a skill that not a lot of people have, and it's a [00:02:00] skill that we need to learn as patients. Because without constructive conversations, our relationships will go nowhere, or they will go in a direction that we don't want them to go.
And then we feel lost and hopeless. [00:02:15] And we feel like we've done something wrong when, in fact, true or not true, there could have been a different pathway. We could have taken with those relationships when it comes to the, the conversations that we choose to have.[00:02:30]
Rodolfo Alvarez: 100%. 100%. And going back to what we discussed before, the beginning would be ask yourself, am I ready to have a constructive conversation?
When I, when we say constructive conversation, [00:02:45] like this is my definition, okay? But we're talking about a conversation in which I don't want to change the other person's mind. I just know that they are who they are. Nothing's going to be changed, but I'm going to express something that I [00:03:00] think it's important for me to express.
In a way that hopefully take me where I want to be, right? So, for example, what I'm thinking is kind of like, if you're ready emotionally to have the conversation, you could [00:03:15] start with something like, you know what, Peter, I understand that you disagree with the choice that I made. I see you. And I know that you have evidence that tells you that.
But I don't [00:03:30] want to talk about here who is right or wrong. I don't want to make a point that like the surgery works. What I just want to communicate is that It would be helpful for me as your sister that you do these things for me, [00:03:45] A, B, C, or D. If you, uh, have opinions on the surgery, please don't say those opinions in front of me.
If you see that I'm not drinking water, like, please remind me. And I get that [00:04:00] you disagree with this, but this is what I would appreciate from you today. You just leave it.
April Williams: It's a completely different approach.
Rodolfo Alvarez: Which is not the approach we're used to, right? Like, it's not the [00:04:15] approach that we saw last year before the election.
Like people are kind of like, I'm going to collect the most evidence that I have to prove that you're wrong and then I'm going to shit your mind and I'm going to vote for the other candidate. [00:04:30] I don't know if anyone has been successful with that approach, like changing, like, honestly, I think it doesn't work because actually we have this.
self defense mechanism, which is the fight or flight response. And when something [00:04:45] is perceived as a threat, we just react right and we protect ourselves. And the way we protect ourselves is collecting evidence that what we do works and we're fine and we're right. So that's why I wouldn't suggest that approach.[00:05:00]
April Williams: It has not worked in the past. It's not going to work in the future, which is why we are so excited that you are leading this class in BariNation, right? Because that is at the heart of what you're going to be teaching. Right. How do we [00:05:15] change how we have conversations in a way that is constructive and productive for us?
It's not about coming with that bag of evidence. It's about acknowledging where the other person is at not attempting to [00:05:30] necessarily change them or their views, but just to be able to tell them I hear you. I, I understand. Where you're at, here's what I would like to ask from you. And at that point, it's an invitation for them to either [00:05:45] join you, or it's an opportunity for you to kind of set some boundaries and say, okay, I understand that you can't do that.
Then. So here's how here's how things are going to look right on my end going forward. And it has nothing to do with my [00:06:00] love for you. My nope. I still love you the same, but this is this is what I'm going to do in response to kind of what what you are able or willing to do. To give in this relationship that we have together
Rodolfo Alvarez: and you know what is challenging [00:06:15] in those moments?
To really listen what's going on with the other person, right? Because the automatic response, but I'm Peter, okay? So you heard my speech about why the surgery [00:06:30] doesn't work. Your internal thought could be my brother doesn't support me. He judges me. He's not there for me. Um, Like, that could be your interpretation by doing [00:06:45] that, then you're not listening, you're just judging the things that Peter is saying.
Listening is actually connected to being able to identify the points that the person is [00:07:00] making. And if you listen, maybe Peter. Disagrees with the surgery and underneath of that, there might be another fear, which could be the fear of something happening to you [00:07:15] in terms of your health. And actually, he loves you so much that this is the way that he's trying to correct course.
So, so if you're able to understand that. I think that that [00:07:30] helps to start a conversation because it's kind of like, okay, we disagree. I know that you have been trying to do this to help me, but actually, that's not how I need to be helped today. This is how I need to be [00:07:45] helped. And you transition the conversation.
Does that make
April Williams: sense?
Rodolfo Alvarez: I'm thinking all the times that I have heard in the community, like people that say, that they have friends and now the friends are kind of like, oh, we used to go [00:08:00] out and drink and have fun and now you're not doing that, like, and then they're like, oh, they're judging me for my new life, right?
But, but we need to like, stop and listen. What's underneath of that comment. [00:08:15] I have a friend that is missing doing something with me. Maybe that person me misses the friendship, the connection, the camaraderie. Is that the word? Camaraderie. Yeah. Okay. And this is a [00:08:30] way that they know how to communicate that.
And then if I list them, I can come up with a proposal and a strategy to move forward in the relationship, which could be, for example, you know what? Yes. [00:08:45] Today, that's not aligned with my habits. Unfortunately. But I love you. You are my friend. I want us to protect our relationship. How are we going to create those spaces of camaraderie?
And you transition the [00:09:00] conversation, but we don't do that.
April Williams: No, we, we don't listen. We instantly feel judged and then we look to insulate ourselves to protect [00:09:15] ourselves from that hurt and pain. But really, if we just took some more time or learned how to listen more effectively. We could actually find a pathway forward that sustains the [00:09:30] relationship and perhaps even makes it stronger
Rodolfo Alvarez: 100%. 100%. And there's a lot of mindfulness that could be applied to listening powerfully [00:09:45] when we are in conversations. Typically, we have this inner voice that is talking, judging, criticizing, like, tell you what to do, et cetera. And you can observe that, right? And maybe you put that aside and just [00:10:00] focus on what the person is saying.
April Williams: In
Rodolfo Alvarez: the case of Peter, it's like he's not aligned with this. Period. Nothing else. It's not like he doesn't love you, he doesn't care. Like, no. He was not aligned. [00:10:15]
April Williams: And we attach things that aren't necessarily true to what other people say for all kinds of different reasons. And it really sounds like the heart of this work is learning to detach from the things that we think are important.[00:10:30]
They're saying, and really focus on what they are saying, and what is truthful within that conversation that relationship. Right? At no point did in this example, right? At no point. He didn't say he didn't love me. He didn't [00:10:45] care about me. What he was saying was. I don't necessarily understand this and I'm worried and I'm this and I'm not, but okay, but he didn't say any of those things that I was thinking up here.
Rodolfo Alvarez: Yes, exactly. And also, the other thing [00:11:00] is that I feel that sometimes people have a hard time. With disagreement.
April Williams: Oh,
Rodolfo Alvarez: yeah, they don't like people disagree and. There's nothing wrong with that. Allow Peter to disagree. Yes. And we want Peter to [00:11:15] also like allowing you to have different points of view because as humans, we all have different points of view and there's nothing wrong with that.
The point is how, given that we have different points of view, we can find common, common grounds [00:11:30] and move forward.
April Williams: That wraps up another empowering episode of the BariNation podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, keep the BariNation
[00:11:45] membership community. Where you can attend live support events, access on demand resources, and find a caring community.
Natalie Tierney: Join us at barination.mn.co. If you found this podcast valuable, help us produce it by becoming a 5 monthly [00:12:00] supporter at barinationpodcast.com.
Jason Smith: And just remember at the end of the day, you've got this, we've got you, and we'll see you next time. Bye [00:12:15] everybody.