4 Principles of Influence from a Hostage Negotiator | Scott Tillema

In this episode of The Art of Charm, retired SWAT hostage negotiator Scott Tillema shares his battle-tested four-part framework for leading difficult conversations, defusing high-stakes conflicts, and influencing others with clarity and confidence. Trained by the FBI and Harvard, Scott now brings these skills to the boardroom, equipping leaders with the same life-saving tools he once used in crisis negotiations. Whether you're navigating a tense meeting, resolving conflict on your team, or having a hard conversation at home, this episode will show you how to lead with calm authority. Scott reveals why tactical empathy is more powerful than persuasion, how to control your emotional state when the pressure’s on, and what most people get wrong about timing, tone, and respect. [00:00:00] Introduction [00:02:47] Why your negotiation partner is not your opponent — and how that shift changes everything [00:10:50] The biggest mistake leaders make when trying to influence others [00:16:02] How to mentally prepare for high-pressure conversations using tactical breathing [00:22:34] The transformation that happens when you stop learning and start embodying [00:27:15] How to know when it’s the right time to speak — and when it’s too soon [00:30:46] Delivery over content: Why how you say it matters more than what you say [00:34:19] The four pillars of respect that drive every meaningful negotiation [00:38:40] How autonomy — even in small doses — creates buy-in and trust [00:43:22] A high-stakes negotiation that failed — and what Scott learned from it [00:49:04] Why you should never tell someone you’re reading their body language You’re negotiating all the time — with your boss, your spouse, your coworkers. If you want influence, connection comes first. The best negotiators aren't master persuaders. They're master listeners. Tactical empathy isn’t manipulation. It’s leadership. People don’t respond to logic — they respond to tone, timing, and emotional safety. Respect isn’t about politeness — it’s about fairness, autonomy, recognition, and empathy. Conflict isn’t a threat. It's an opportunity to lead with poise and purpose. Tired of awkward handshakes and collecting business cards without building real connections? Dive into our Free Social Capital Networking Masterclass. Learn practical strategies to make your interactions meaningful and boost your confidence in any social situation. Sign up for free at theartofcharm.com/sc and elevate your networking from awkward to awesome. Don’t miss out on a network of opportunities! Unleash the power of covert networking to infiltrate high-value circles and build a 7-figure network in just 90 days. Ready to start? Check out our CIA-proven guide to networking like a spy! Indulge in affordable luxury with Quince—where high-end essentials meet unbeatable prices. Upgrade your wardrobe today at quince.com/charm for free shipping and hassle-free returns. Ready to turn your business idea into reality? Shopify makes it easy to start, scale, and succeed—whether you're launching a side hustle or building the next big brand. Sign up for your $1/month trial at shopify.com/charm. Need to hire top talent—fast? Skip the waiting game and get more qualified applicants with Indeed. Claim your $75 Sponsored Job Credit now at Indeed.com/charm. Curious about your influence level?  Get your Influence Index Score today! Take this 60-second quiz to find out how your influence stacks up against top performers at theartofcharm.com/influence. Negotiations Collective website Scott Tillema’s website Scott Tillema on LinkedIn AJ on LinkedIn Johnny on LinkedIn AJ on Instagram Johnny on Instagram The Art of Charm on Instagram The Art of Charm on YouTube The Art of Charm on TikTok What to Listen ForEpisode Takeaways:A Word From Our SponsorsResources from this EpisodeCheck in with AJ and Johnny! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices