04/05/2026

You're listening to Monday's episode of the Archers from BBC Radio four.

Carol, it's Leonard. I brought over a pendant alarm. Anna's asked me to set it up for you. I I don't think it should take too long. Carol, is everything all right in there? Oh good.

Of course everything's all right. What did you think had happened?

Oh, nothing. Well, I hope nothing. It's good to see you, Carol.

Come to drip paint all over my path again, have you?

Very sorry about that. No, I've just brought this pendant alarm system.

I don't want it. I told Anna.

I think she thought it might be handy for peace of mind.

Who's peace of mind? Hers? It won't give me peace of mind. It'll give me a pain in the neck having to wear some great big alarm necklace all the time.

It actually looks very compact from the box

You wear it then. I mean it. I don't want it. Take it away, please.

Um is there anything else I can do while I'm here? I could tidy up the garden for you. Make a cup of tea.

Leonard, I am perfectly capable of pouring hot water onto a teabag.

I know that. Nice for someone else to do it sometimes, though.

You must think I came down in the last shop.

Shower.

I know exactly why you're here at Crack of dawn?

I wouldn't say it's the crack of door.

You've been sent to make sure I behave myself when this occupational therapist person comes, haven't you?

Yeah have, yes. Although I don't think Anna put it quite like that. She was just nervous that you might not hear the door.

She was, was she? Well, I'm sorry, Leonard, but you've had a wasted trip. I don't want them coming in here putting handles everywhere and making a mess.

I don't think they're doing the actual installing today. I think it's just an assessment so they can work out what might be possible and useful. You can always say no if you don't like the sound of it.

What's that you've got there, is the the alarm thing?

Oh yeah, yeah.

Why have you put it in the cake tent?

Oh, there's no, sorry, that's not the alarm. The alarm's in this box. No, this is a tin of flapjack.

Chills, flapjacks.

Yeah. Well, Till's recipe, which I followed to the letter.

I suppose it'll have to. Come in.

Let me see my keys.

Yeah, here.

Oh yeah, I remember now. I put them in the fruit bowl to hide them from Nova. She was wanting them for her game.

My injury isn't it?

Injury? Uh oh yeah, the cricket yesterday. Is it still bad? Yes.

It's still bad.

Everyone has a bad game once in a while.

I didn't have a bad game.

Oh no, I don't mean you, I mean... Still, you don't seem to have enjoyed it, much.

Is it any wonder? It was embarrassing.

Are you gonna get that?

Uh no, it's David. He'll be following up about the Borchester show.

कर दो कर दो कर दो

He wants to get Bridge Farm involved. I said I'd talk to Helen, but I didn't mean instantly. Did you know he's got George and Amber doing the social media?

What for the porch is to show?

Yeah.

Well, I suppose Amber is an influencer.

Uh George is getting a new drone apparently. David wants all this sweeping footage of Ambridge. Anyway, why are you so cheerful?

I start my new job today.

What are you Oh you mean you're showing Justin's millionaires around the village?

I am... Well it's not too much, is it? I don't want to look like I'm off to the races or anything.

Oh, you look great. Have you done something to your hair?

Yes, Tom. I have done something to my hair. Thank you. Right, better put a bit of slap on.

Not to you to me.

Well no, don't be like that. I'm really looking forward to it.

No, I mean fine. I just wouldn't want to explain what the countryside is to a load of city types.

Yeah, explaining it and selling it.

Well exactly.

And I'm also being paid a good rate, which will come in handy, won't it?

It will.

Oh, did I tell you Justin's told me to take them to the tea room after and give them whatever they want? He's paying. Really? I know. Emma's getting in early to do some eclairs.

Well I might have to pop by at lunchtime then.

Well, if you do, you're gonna have to pay. Justin isn't funding your lunch, and remember money is still tight.

I know, I know Have you checked the app this morning?

Uh nothing yet.

Nothing.

I'm worried that maybe the descriptions aren't quite right, so people can't find the clothes that they're looking for. There's so much on there. If people are just searching um kids shorts, age two or whatever, they'll come up with thousands of hits.

Maybe we should put some more stuff on there.

Maybe.

I mean that wardrobe is still rammed.

What? My wardrobe you mean?

Yeah.

So when you say we you actually mean me, is that it?

You have got a lot more stuff than me.

The wood.

wardrobe, maybe, but what about the lofts? There's bags and bags up there, not all of them are mine.

Well surely anything that's up there can go. We haven't even thought about it since we moved back.

No, but going through all that, listing it, is a massive job. I'm not doing all that on my own. I don't see why I become the project manager of this clothes selling operation. Yes, which I am generously selling for the good of the whole family.

Right, all right.

No Tom, you won't help. You'll take joint responsibility, starting with downloading the app onto your phone and signing in. Then you can keep an eye on it yourself, right?

Right. Well that went well. Yeah. Do you want me to have a look at this pendant alarm system before I go, Carol?

I prefer you make us another cup of tea.

Good thinking.

I'll have lavender this time.

You know, I might try a lavender tea.

Oh might you

You only live once. I'll make a pot. I thought she was lovely the uh T.

Oh, she was all right, I suppose. Not as bad as some of them.

I think she got the message that you don't want handles all over the place.

She seemed to, yes. And that perch stall thing does sound quite good. Save my back when I'm doing the washing up.

So all in all, not as bad as you thought. I'll drink to that. I saw Alan in the uh in the village yesterday. Yes. You know he still hasn't solved the mystery who tried to claim compensation.

rather fallen plaster. It's someone pulling a fast one, isn't it? I heard no one was anywhere near it.

Well that's what Alan thinks.

Plenty of people are just out for themselves.

Plenty of people are, though.

Well I suppose so.

Mm.

Oh these are lovely, Leonard, every bit as good as Jill's.

What do you think?

Mm-hmm. I do.

Shall I have a look at the pendant alarm once we've had our tea?

You're very keen to follow orders, aren't you?

I suppose I am. Well it's not just that it could come in handy this system.

Do you not have anything better to do than hang around here all day and on a bank holiday too?

Not really. And actually it's nice to have a change of scene.

I'll tell Jill you said that.

No, no, not from jail, just living at Brookfield. Things are a little bit tense at the minute for one reason and another.

रहले?

Oh it'll pass soon enough, I expect. But in the meantime, if there's anything else you want doing, shout now.

There is something.

Go on. Okay.

I've been hearing things since

What kind of things?

noises, movement at night mostly.

Well in the house. I see it.

It's obvious, isn't it? Is it?

Spirit.

Oh, I see.

Well, we know Glebe is haunted.

Do we? Yes.

By a vicar's wife who was found drowned in the arm. Oh this is going back the eighteen hundreds. I think I've disturbed her somehow. Maybe she's unhappy about all this talk of adaptations I know I am. And it's not just the noises. There is a stain on the landing ceiling that wasn't there a few weeks ago, just by the loft hatch.

'Why don't I go up and have a look while I'm here?'

Well um all right, but be careful, won't you? I don't want to go enraging her any more than I already have.

Yeah, fine. Do you want a coffee?

Yeah go on then. It's a takeaway though, I'd better get back to the veg boxes. Oh I completely forgot. Uh how did it go with Justin's investors? Are you sure?

No, it was fine. Well they didn't seem very interested.

Maybe they were just keeping their cards close to their chest.

Maybe but they barely even cracked a smile. It's me giving it the big cell, showing them the sights, pointing out all the areas of natural beauty. I mean, Tom, it was ridiculously a delay. But they just looked at the big They were like forty-something teenagers in suits, tapping on their phones and rolling their eyes.

Did they like the Eclairs?

Nid o' them ate a thing. A round of coffees and that was it. I don't know why they're even bothering with rural investments when none of them seem to have the slightest bit of interest in the countryside. The only vaguely entertaining moment was when one of them stepped in a cow park when he was getting out of his fancy car.

Oh I'm sorry.

Oh, it's fine. I I just thought it would be more fun, you know? I imagine myself chatting to them all, telling the history of Ambridge, answering questions.

Maybe the foreign investors will be more fun. When are you showing them around?

Friday. I won't count my chickens. I think it's just that world, you know? They've got so much money nothing much impresses them.

Thanks. Well, I'd better get back. I'll see you at home.

Um I was thinking when the girls are in bed we could go up to the loft, start going through some of those boxes.

What tonight? I know, but I won't get in till gone seven and I was hoping to have a bath. My knees still really painful after the cricket and anyway

What? Well,

Uh I'm just not sure what use I'll be. Mostly your stuff, isn't it?

Remember, go easy, no sudden movements. We don't want to alarm any spirits.

Okay. Uh now let me get my torch. Hang on.

What w what is it? You were right.

I'm fine.

What can you see?

I don't think you're haunted.

Really? Well how can you be sure? I mean even if there's no evidence that doesn't mean

And I think you do have visitors who They're not ghosts, though. They're bats. Yep, I'm sorry, Carol. But your loft is absolutely covered in bat guano.

Really? That's

Quite a few of them by the looks of things.

Oh well that's not too bad then.

Isn't it?

Well a few minutes ago I thought I was haunted. Between you and me I've got myself quite worked up. A few bats I can deal with. In fact, I quite like the idea.

Well that might not be a bad thing because I don't think they're that easy to get rid of.

I have no desire to get rid of it.

Yeah, I th I think there are laws protecting bats.

for them. They can stay as long as they like as far as I'm concerned. Although I can imagine what that daughter of mine will have to say when she finds out.