White Disguise

This show is off the cuff, no need to rehearse it. Put our thing down. Smack flip its it. Remember, Lacy licy and boh, that was pretty good. That might have been one of the best ones. Yeah, I think the very first one. I talked about you smelling like pee. But besides that, this is the next one. I think our first song. I couldn't even get it out. Yeah, p one is bad.

One was one of the best.

I'm still getting letters, like real letters about how great that was.

So no one should be sending you a letter about that. Hold on, dear lady, a physical letter.

If a stranger send you a physical letter, I don't know that you should be opening in That's true. That's true, especially nowadays. I don't even know these strange messages.

Lacy. Yes, listen, I'm going on a trip. Wait let it wait.

Wait wait oh oh oh my song that's late Okay, And it said scam likely oh man, Yeah, that is true.

That's what I'm hearing. I thought there was a raccoon in the house. No, I don't know.

Okay, I'm going on a road trip again to New York my life yep, on the road again, just getting wait to be on the road again, Amber. Yes, and anything exciting happened today. Yes, today we announced that I'm going to be the featured entertainer at the White House Correspondence dinner.

Yay, it's gonna be exciting.

It's gonna be exciting. But I feel so bad because we were on Morning Joe.

I saw it and the do you do do? Are you hoping that the president comes? I said no, that.

I thought it. I died. I was like thatmell out of your mouth, that fell off up, that was a punk. I want to fight him, That's what I wanted to say, but I tried to act nicely.

But if everyone would have been like, nobody wants him there.

Nobody wants it smells like, oh that's information. I never want old spice. Come on now, old spicy McDonald's smells like old hmmm. Yeah, we don't want that. No one wants that. But I did laugh out loud when you said that it's going to be exciting.

More importantly, what are you wearing? Who cares what you say?

A beautiful black jacket and the jacket has.

Let ell spark the lease. Okay, so you're gonna love it. I'm sure I will I'm sure it will be cute. What in the how did this? Can't I go off? I didn't? I turned it off. Always stop us from having fun.

Oh man, my ring is one of the best ringtones ever, everybody, and I'm so sorry. I write songs to every ring tone everybody ever has I know, and our brother's ringtone is the best.

What that man was thinking?

Our brother's ringtone? We wrote an entire song for it. This is one of those Correspondent Dinner Janet Jackson a little bit. I love it. I'm glad we did that here on the podcast.

Everyone.

It's exactly how she decided. It's black and it's sparkly. Okay, just tune in Amber Ruffin Cabra. When is the Correspondent's Dinner? When can people watch it? The White House Correspondence Dinner takes place on no other than the twenty sixth.

Hing the then.

I know you was looking it up. I knew I see it if you knew, Oh, you were right, I know. Remember I think it was our last podcast I talked about we'll probably have IDs soon.

Listen.

Every day we're getting closer to having m id's and everybody going to have now listen, when the IDs come out what I've done, and you're not just gonna be able to leave your house anymore? Amber you think I'm joking. So I've seen started a new business. And uh it's called my White Disguise. Okay, if you want to be able to leave the house, put on this white disguise, just gonna push put it right on.

Your Wig's gonna be in there, your face.

Everything. The gloves are extra. The gloves are extra. The white gloves, the white skin gloves are extra. Listen, we were able to walk around freely. You think so, No, I think we're at the end of it.

Lacey will not stop saying surprise, surprise. I love surprise surprise.

And I left my I d the last time I was home at her house and I had to get on a flight. So I was like, Lacey, you got a break, waity. She drove up and she dropped off the idea of the roll darter window and yelled surprised, And we're.

In the park.

We're in the parking garage're and echoed it was beautiful.

It really did. So it was Beau, that's real. Sorry everybody you heard.

My song, Yeah, everybody heard it.

I love that you're so positive? What do you mean positive? How? And we're not gonna be wearing this my white the sky. I made you one. I made you one.

We're not gonna be We're I don't think we're gonna have IDs. This is Lacy talking about the Trump presidency and how bad it's gonna get. But I will have to I do have to say this. Technically, Lacey's nickname is Lestradamus because thank you, she has an uncanny ability to predict what's going on. And she'll just flippantly say a joke and then the jokes will be real.

The jokes will be real. So yeah, I'm going to make a ton all of this.

Yeah, guys, and if you can't support, if you can't afford my white disguise, I'll get you one. I'm not gonna you know, I'm not in it for the money, just trying to let you go to the you want to go to the grocery store, You put on the costume, you go.

You won't get her asked.

None of this is necessary. I also have to offer this story. One time one of our friends had ax wild. She asks too wild all the time, and Lacey was like she was looking for a job, and Lacy goes, huh.

That's funny.

I thought she had a job, because you know, she had for so long. And Lacy goes, her crazy ass probably fell down in front of everybody and got fired. And then it turned out that that is exactly what happened, and she had a big goose egg on her head and she had been fired.

And I was like, that is uncanny.

To such a throwaway line, probably failing her head everybody. So as you got fired, why would you why would that even occur to you to say? Because I know, okay, so with the white disguise, you get a free Trump, you get a free Trump. I d that matches your disguise. I'm doing this so you'll be fine. You'll be fine to I know you don't want to, None of us want to when you call me up at two am, and I know you will. You got any more white disguises over there? Like, yeah, go on, is this Waite?

Who is it? Is this Amber Ruffert? The one who made fun of me? Is Amber Ruffett?

Yeah?

I got one for you. Yeah, you don't save me the ugliest one.

Oh, the buck tooth one. Oh yeah, but tooth sharing. That's gonna be shared because you didn't get it when they were hot you.

You didn't pick the good ones. You talked about me.

Okay, No, I won't. I won't give you book tooth share. Yay, but I'm gonna think about it. Jeez, Louise Lacy. I think we're all doing a good job. I think so too. And I think I'm excited to host White House Correspondence thenner and it's gonna be cute, but it's also going to be a little bit mean.

Okay, it's gonna.

Be he's gonna be upset and he's going to talk about you. He's gonna be tweeting while it happens. Right, do people still tweet? Is he still a tweeter?

I don't know.

He's gonna do something. He's gonna go on whatever social media and he's gonna be talking about it.

I don't know.

I feel like the what I get to do my black privileges as a black lady with it with nappy hair. White people don't really like the real racists, don't. They can't bear to look at me. No, I don't think they can tolerate it. I really don't, because it's usually my face and then in the thumbnail of the video it's like racism or something, and then they're not clicking on it. So I rarely I think they are going to show a clip of you though on Fox, and that's what I really want to see. Oh my god,

Yeah? For can you stand it? Okay?

Okay, so hey everyone, we have a segment on the Amber and Lacy Lacy and Amber Show where it's called can you Stand It?

Can You Stand It?

Is where we tell one another about the people with, places, or things that are currently changing our lives. Is it a new can of hairspray, Is it a new matt finish to your powder face? Or is it a lollipop? If it's me, it's probably a lollipop. So while Lacey's gone, and she just ran out of the room to get her, can you stand it? I just would like to tell you the following secrets about Lacey. One she's a poop. Two she poops. Three Lacey Lamar smells like poops. Okay, we are back with we'd talking.

And I was talking about you where you were going? Okay.

Amber just got issued some new medication and the medication makes her spot lies.

So I don't know what she's good when I was gone, but just she needs help, y'all. Okay, we want to adjust her. Man, She's gonna be good now. My can you stand it? My?

Can you stand it? Okay? Here, I'm bretty heavy because I went up two stairs.

I haven't stairs in your house is fun until you leave something down there that's horrible. I there's a small dog behind me going in saying, Mike, can you stand it? Is? I've decided to get me and my ladies. We're going to join a sculpting class. Okay. Fun. So I went and toward the studio and you know, I got a little piece of clay while we were touring, and the guy was like, here, do you want to just do

Can you say? Everyone? Okay, do you see that? You see this? Okay, there you go. Do you see it? Looks it's beautiful. Now.

I brought this up because I need you. I'm comparing this to one of Amber's sculptures.

What hell is? Damn it?

What's this mess? Okay, it's a mess. So I'm just letting you know, nose and lips bobbing.

Okay, that's all I want. That's me. That's my show and tell.

But I'm gonna say two or three days, I'm going to be a world famous sculptor. After world famous, Yeah, okay, everyone's gonna be coming from all over the world.

You got any more nose?

Lips, and I'm gonna be like, yeah, why.

Did you just do the nose and lips?

Just started? That's all I did. Mind your business. I'm the artist here, Okay, okay, I'm the captain. Now look at me. I made those nose and lips's. It was beautiful nose and lips. But why what I started with? Don't question It's just that I have so many questions. No, I wouldn't be questioning so hard if I wasn't filled with questions, right, Okay, stop making fun of my thing. It's funny when we make fun of you, but when you make fun of me, that's not funny.

Okay, Amber, do you have a canyon statu? Oh?

Actually this just happened to me the other day. I was googling best what's the word that you where you write on paper?

The best card stock?

So then I found the place that has a lot of really thick, really good card stock, and I was like, oh, let me see it. I get there and they're like here, here you go, and they hand me this card stock and it's the menu of the cheesecake fashery.

The best person it is the cheesecake factory.

I'll never not say anything other than cheesecake factory cheesecake factory rules. So you're going to be writing invitations on cheesecake factory menus. Is this what you're saying is bountiful, thick end perfect? That's okay, we'll freeze for a minute, But it's what you do when you unfreeze that counts.

Okay.

Now is your ship plugged in tight enough? Yeah?

Lacy?

And I've always said this about you. You you have loose plugs.

I knew you were going to say that. Nasty, a little nasty. It's tough having plugs, it is, it is.

I know that sounds like you have loose hair plugs and then your hair is gonna start falling out one by one man, which man would be so fucking great.

No, it wouldn't, it would actually rule. It absolutely would not. Yes it would, Lacey. When's your next? Okay? Oh?

Yes, I have my d MS and they're ready, they're hot and ready. But what were you about to say?

Oh, let's do it? Hey? Everyone?

On? Why do you and I say hey everyone so often? Hundred all the time, all the time. Hey everybody. Sometimes I'm in the kitchen and I can't find something, and I go Hey, everyone, where is the thing?

And I'm just doing it all the time. I see Hey everyone, I can't be stopped. We're ready for the stage. Yay, Hey everybody. H Hey everyone here.

On the Amber and Lacy Lacy and Amber Show, we like to do a segment called please Slide Out of Lacey's dms, where we read actual dms sent to Lacey on dating dating apps. I almost said dating sites because of my age. Okay, Lacey, take it away.

Okay.

And not only are they sent to me on dating sites apps anyone. This is just anything. It could be in my Facebook d and ms. It could be Instagram. People will shoot their shot and it's never really great.

I hate to say it. Here we go.

This one says, hello, I love oh, I gotta get the picture ready. I love that you don't wear a lot of makeup. It's hard to find a woman that isn't slathered in it. And he sent me a picture. You know when they send you the little picture and there's a little comment next to it. So he got it from my profile. Listen, buddy, this ain't nothing. The most you ever worn. This is your makeup artists did this. This was when I was on your show, sir, so I responded to him.

In this picture, I'm beyond slathered in it. I'm covered.

It's a damn makeup, I said, I'm covered, and codd, it's a damn makeup mask. You absolutely love women in makeup. You love us, You love women in makeup. If that's what you chose and said you want a natural woman, No you don't.

No, you don't, cause I take that makeup off. You don't know who I am. You won't recognize me.

So you you're the opposite of what you're saying.

Yeah.

Also, the way your dms are, I thought one hundred percent that you were going to be like and this was his profile picture, and it would be a man in makeup.

That was what I said. I want to see. He probably did have a little, at least it a little well contour. That is so funny. You fully TV ready you don't like women to makeup, You absolutely love you love us.

Okay, yeah, that was a full face that took six hours to get that makeup of. I know that's right, but thank you for thinking that all that blush was natural.

Get out of here. Okay, this one, Oh my god, this hurt my little feelings.

You know when you know someone from like elementary school and they reach out to you and you're like, oh he's cute. Oh my god, look crush and oh now we're older and we it's like, oh, we made a full circle at baby, and then we can tell everybody we.

Met the third grade.

So he reached out to me and he said, so disappointing. Let me take you out to dinner and you can find a way to pay me back. Oh oh, when I tell you, my heart fell. But you know my level of pettiness. When you go low, I go to hell. I said, you Pete on yourself during Show and Tell Miss Dunnan's third grade class, and I left it because you did. I want to say his first name so bad. But since there was like twelve of us in class, everyone's going to go back and know why I don't have time for this.

See he did. Didn't you say that? Because he did? So he did.

And you're asking for you're asking for favors after a date, sir, we're going to straight to P. P.

Johnson. Yeah, you're getting that. That's forty years ago, Pete and I left it never responded. It's still up. He didn't respond I didn't black him, he didn't black me. Maybe he's still thinking that's.

Really extra cold because he knows you remembered it for forty years this whole time.

Come on, now, that's that's the nightmare.

You comfort yourself by saying, well, no one remembers it, sir, Claire is a bell. Claire is a bell. Was still willing to cheachat with you. I was still like, that's that point to pee on herself. I'm gonna give them a chance. And this is what you come at me with. You're gonna get it. You're gonna get it.

Okay.

My last one is okay, this just out of the blue, just dumb ass. First things they say, will you please take my virginity? And I just said, no, keep it.

That's all I did.

That's just no, I want it. Why do people say dumb things like that? And are you a virgin? You're fifty, sir, you're fifty. I don't want it. I don't want it. I want it. I want it something. The fact that you held out this lot, I don't want it. It's rotten. It's like a spire.

I don't want that your virginity. Virginities do expire they do. They do.

You do not get time, then you hasn't broken gotten laid.

Yeah, no, I don't want to.

Sorry. Virginities expire. You learn that here on the Amber and Lacey Show. See how easy it is to become a conspiracy theorist, because how much fun would it have been to quadruple down and be like, if you don't lose your virginity, then you lose your virginity expirement. That's so true. That's how these people are born, Lacey. Let's start offering one conspiracy theory per show. Absolutely, that was our first one. Yeah, our first one is virginities expire.

That's a good song.

When we get that album of Amber and Lacy, Lacey and Ambershaw songs. It's gonna go platinum, It's gonna it's gonna be bigger than they not like us. Oh, what's hold on? I got a chit chat about this? What am I the only? Am I the only person in the world that is like.

Okay, Drake's had enough? Leave him alone.

When I tell you, I don't know anything about Drake. I don't know anything about Drake. I feel like he's somewhere crying. I feel it in my heart, and I feel like he's so so sad. It's the ultimate.

This is more.

This is this is more bullying than you peeped in front of your class.

This is this is terrible.

It's I don't feel bad about Pep Johnson, but I feel bad about Drake. I feel bad about it too, and I have felt bad about it from the very beginning, from the second dis track, like this's too far. He can't he doesn't know because I don't know what he would have expected. Did he expect to be spared? Did he think he could win? I don't quite get it. I don't love it, but it did make for easily one of the best songs of all time.

No, don't say it. I don't want to do.

This.

I do too, and that's sad. And then he got a Grammy about it.

And then as he was walking up to get the Grammy, every respected musician on earth was singing alonggoing and it's probably a minor I was like.

Oh shit, that stings. That's stings. That stings. Yeah, I hope no one dislikes me that bad. One day I sold that disk track. I've made a amber. Okay, thank you. Sorry, make a disk track about me.

You just told me that you can't take a distrack, so I just canceled it. I think not coming out. Look, I've been around people talk shit about me on the internet. It's very it's infrequent, but it does happen. But I'm saying, if you made a disk track about me, even if it was bad, the thought, the thought that you would get up, put on socks, go to a studio and get out of your car.

Yeah, make a song that's so cold.

I've disliked many people, probably hate not not that many at all, probably almost zero.

But I can't. My hate has no action behind it.

My hate is just like I don't like this, and then that's it and move on to the next thing.

I can't imagine being fueled by it. And that's the difference between Amber and I.

I will write a song today, that's right, I'll write a song today.

Lassie will all write a song today. She will.

Hey, everyone, you know what song we just wrote. It's time for us to go to the break. Hey, everybody, hold on to you. But wow, we'll be right back with more of the Ember and Lacy Lacy and Amber show.

So stick around or else.

Hey, everybody, we're back with more of the Embra and Lacy, Lacy and Amber Show.

We are going to hit you with the law. We're taking an oath.

We're hands on the Bible, and we're about to testify because it's time for her sister Cord Babbo.

It's sister Courd.

We read emails that were sent to us from you, and then we come down hard pro or con with our own verdicts. You wrote to us, You asked us for help. You'll regret it. If you want help from us, email us at Amberandlacyadvice at gmail dot com. If you don't want advice from us, email us at Amber and Lacyadvice at gmail dot com. We'd love to hear from you. It's time for Sister Courd email number one. Okay, this one says, how do you eat fruit at the bottom

So when I.

Drink it, there's fruit at the bottom. Do you just throw the fruit away? Try to use your straw or your finger to dig it out. Suggestions are super appreciated here. I know exactly what Lacy is going to say, so let me go first. I think you can just tip the glass up to your mouth and then the fruit will slide into your mouth. If not, you got to stab it with a straw and then sloop it into your mouth. If not, you have to leave it alone.

Say he hates fruit like male men hate dogs. She hates it.

The fruit has done nothing to her, but try to be her friend. She don't want it. Do not put it in my drink. Don't even don't do that. No, she doesn't, truly doesn't. And I think so she can certainly this or that she can't.

I just want to cleaned out a glass.

I gave my dad some of his homemade lemonade that had you know, lemonade bits, and when I went to clean out the glass, a little bit of the pulp got on my arm.

It might as well have been vomit. I was like, oh God.

Then I thought it's just fruit. Lacy calmed out, But yeah, that's how I feel about fruit.

It touched me.

Guys, she really hates fruit, and I'm sorry about that. Everyone that she's missing out one of the great joys of life.

Fruit.

Okay, whatever would you like to read the next one? Or shall I here is? Oh wait, so then that person is, oh innocent, You're guilty to me, you shouldn't mean that stuff. But okay, sister, Court scenario number two. Am I being petty or am I justified? When I was in college, I dated a guy who would eventually be my husband. We moved in together pretty quickly. We were both in our mid twenties when I brought him to meet my parents over the holidays.

Even if we lived.

Together, my mom insisted we sleep in separate rooms because we weren't married at the time. My parents are divorced and my mom is seeing a new guy. She's going to be staying with my husband and I and she'll be bringing her new boyfriend. I'm thinking about making them sleep in separate rooms since they aren't married yet. Is that going too far my pettiness or am I justified in this? Okay, you're going too far. That's your mama. She can do whatever the hell she want to do.

Well you were.

Luckily in my house we're a little more open minded than that. So thank goodness, who knows where I got this from, because it wasn't you.

No, that's petty. Now, that's petty.

And then that's just randomly in the middle of the night busting everyone with a flashlight. Kick in fact, be ready to buy a new door, because I really appreciate the kicking down of the door. Kick it down, kick it out. I want the splinters on the side to shoot out what you're doing. They get a door, you know that's.

Up to you.

Not everybody gets to have a room with a door on it. You can make it real uncomfortable for him because they did do you wrong. So I say, go for it. Go for it, that's right.

Ah yeah yeah yeah, yea am right? Do I agree with you? So they are guilty and she is innocent, that's right?

Sorry?

Okay this one.

How do you feel about not pitching in to a group birthday gift at work? I'm in an office and whenever it's someone's birthday, someone always comes around asking for some cash to help pay for a small gift and a cake or something. Not to sound like an asshole, but I don't really care enough to participate. I like my coworkers well enough, but I don't really feel the need to bond like that. Would it be bad if I said no next time they asked me for cash

Do not have enough stuff going on in their lives. They just don't.

I mean, look, I think everything in my life serves a purpose, and I do not think that birthday and job overlap in any way whatsoever. I don't need it. Every office should do what we do here every month. The first of the month, we go happy birthday everyone in June, and then we put up a little sign that says everyone's name, and we put a pie in the kitchen.

That's it.

That's what you get. Now, that's what you're doing. That's fine, but don't be don't And lady, lady, if you're running around making everybody sign the card, making everybody give you five dollars so you can get somebody some mess they don't want. Girl, read a novel, don't do that. Don't do that, don't busy yourself. And then I got it. It's my problem. You ain't got enough to do in your life.

Cut that out out.

So in that way, I'm the coldest motherfucker on earth. I do not like birthday stuff.

I don't like it. Yes, you know what.

I was not on board with a thing you were saying at first, But then when you said put everybody's name at the first of the month.

I love it.

I love it because we all have given money to Steve. Nobody likes Steve. I can't stand him. Oh and you asked for ten dollars. No, I don't want to spend ten dollars on Steve to make his day better. Oh, Steve voted to Trump. I don't like Steve. Now you're going to have someone in here and they're gonna like push, like slap his food out of his hand.

You got my tender. We're hiring someone to harass Steve. Okay, how much right?

No I have I have contributed a billion dollars to the group birthdays at work. I mean yeah, And then you've got to run around.

You've got to hide the cart. Oh they're coming, hide the cart.

Oh.

Then you got to get a cake and a gift. It's a lot.

It was a lot all the time. All the time, it was a cake and a gift, a cake and a gift. I just don't think that's what work is for. And if you think everyone needs a morale boost.

You're right they do.

Then fucking Taco Tuesday or some shit some goofy goofy goofy hat day and not even Taco Tuesday, because I don't want people's money. Casual Wednesday dressed like a twin day, you know, silly hair day, bad shit. Do Spirit Week, but do it at work, but don't be taking people's money. Don't take people's money.

I don't like that.

Because Happy Birthday is free and birthdays are for children.

Amber does not care about the birthdays.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to go listen to some smooth jazz on my birthday, and I am let's turn this all about me, Okay. I found out where Chad Stoner chat Stoner is gonna make. You can google chat Stoner everybody. He's an amazing jazz musician and he mm mmmmm mmm mmmm. I went and listened to him last week and it was great. He will play some R and B, just instrumental R and B, which Amber and I have told you a million times.

Love it. I mean he was playing the Angelo Digelo.

Now you think you're not gonna love you would if you heard it, you would love it. And Chad Stoner, I don't know if Amber knows this. I know him from church. He used to be praise and worship guy that used to come. I used to work at a place for wayward girls, and he would come there on Sundays and do church. He would do the little praise and worship, and Chad Stoner looks really good. So I kept wondering, well, all these little girls going to church.

What's going on.

They were like, oh, we got to go to church, full face of makeup going, And then I went, Okay, the man looks very nice. But he's a very good saxophone saxophone player. He's great, He's wonderful. And that's how I know. I've known him for twenty plus years, so because I've known him from church. When I went to the concert, it wasn't really a concert, but I went to see him play last week. He goes, now, even though we're in a bar, I'm about to play a

It was great. I had to yell out let him use you, baby, let me abuse you.

But it was good.

You didn't think it was wrong there.

Yeah, I love it, love it, love it. And I've never seen him do that, but he does some. He does all your favorites Anita Baker, Luther, everybody, Lacy. I don't know how we got on that.

We got to go to middle aged lady fest. Why isn't that that chase go to. We're gonna just slow. There's not too many of us. There's no stairs. It's not gonna be no stairs in middle aged.

Ladies' flat somehow. It's just everywhere you go is downhill. Lady yay?

Where is this event at? Always down that hill? Okay, thank you? Now get oh down another you got me? You can have my eight dollars. It costs eight dollars. Oh oh, I'm not going eight dollars. I'm telling you.

This might not be the best lad This might not be the middle the best middle aged lady beest ambers we have okay, all right, well, hey everyone, thanks for tuning in today. We laughed, we loved, we shared. We want to leave you today with this thought. I'm so scared, just kidding, that is very real thought, though, America help you. Uh hey, we love you and have fun and goodbye. Oh Lacy, yes, how can people find you on social media?

Blue Sky? Blue Sky?

And I don't know what I am on there. When I find out, I'll come back next time, guys and tell you. I think it's Lacy Lamar.

Oh, good job. Why doesn't someone look and you call me? My number is and I'm Amber.

Ruffin across all socials, I assume, well, we've been The Amber and Lacy, Lacy and Amber Show.

We love it very much. Good night and goodbye, good.

Night and my bye. The Amber and Lacy, Lacy and Amber Show is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeartRadio podcast. It's created and hosted by Amber Ruffin and Lacy Lamar. Executive produced by Noah Avlar and Hans Sonni, super produced by Becca Ramos. Because She's a Superhero co produced by Victor Wright, Edited and mixed by Ty Herd.

Music by David Schmoll.