Honor Your Non-Negotiables
Life in general suffers from knowing and saying issues. People often struggle to know what they know, even more to accept what they know, and this leads into the issue of whether or not they can say what they know. All of which makes asking for what you want and being specific about your request a fraught proposition when attempting to manifest pretty much anything.
Most if not all of us have learned from Mick Jagger "You can't always get what you want/But if you try sometime you find/You get what you need ", and so have come to see this frustrating, devastating, cartoon rake in the face experience as an unwelcome but necessary positive we must come to be contented with. However, this one-size-fits all explanation ignores the fact that just like with computers and the internet, manifesting is prone to technical difficulties. In particular it is susceptible to error when we don't include our needs in our wants list. It's like trying to shoot an arrow at a target, but not admitting you need a bow to do it. So you throw the arrow, it lands about 5 ft (1.5 meters) from where you're standing, and then you are confronted with the task of figuring out what this means when what you should do instead is retrieve the arrow, get a bow, and try again.
Add to this our tendency to assume things. While assumptions have a well-earned negative reputation, they are also a necessary part of human interactions and communication. They help us manage the avalanche of information/input we receive moment to moment and are part of how we can compute complex situations faster than any super computer. Assumptions about things allow us to short hand the most basic information so we can focus on the particulars, formulate actions or responses, and interact in a positive way. In fact, assumptions are one of the keys to our being able to be in the now or experience child's mind. We assume gravity will function to pull things down, the sun will shine during the day, the air we're breathing will continue to exist and so we can set aside our fears and be fully present within ourselves and with everything around us.
However, assumptions by their very nature can get us into trouble in a heartbeat. We tend to assume others understand words, concepts, and actions in the same way we do. That when we say love or commitment or exclusive or maybe to someone, they understand these things in exactly the same way we do and so there can be no misunderstandings between us. Yet, words not only have many different meanings and shades of meaning, the context they are spoken in can change the meaning completely. Narcissists, predators, and con artists use this to their very negative advantage with devastating efficiency.
And then there is assumption's cousin, implied. Having something be implied by something else is another healthy communication tool we use in order to manage the complexities in our day, make communication more efficient, and use our time wisely. We also use implications to hide things we don't want to discuss or admit, to avoid saying out loud something which is uncomfortable, or which might cause negative reactions in others, or to manipulate a situation to our advantage even if the one we're manipulating is ourselves.
Which leads us to this truth: while everyone agrees, in order to manifest something you need to be clear what it is you want and express this clearly to the universe, doing so is way easier discussed in the abstract than done.
So how do you get this clarity? Well, I'd recommend starting with these three things: Ego, Discernment, and the Non-Negotiables.
Unlike assumption and its cousin implied, ego has gotten a very bad reputation where it's not entirely earned. It's been slandered in therapeutic, religious and spiritual communities as foundational to a number of sins and therefore needs to be severely controlled if not rooted out completely. Somehow, if we have no ego, cannot stand in our ego or refuse to let our ego have any say in matters, then all will be well.
In general, for those who are egotistical, narcissistic, self-absorbed, entitled, privileged or just lacking in empathy, working to counter the ego is a really good thing. For the rest, the majority of human beings, our egos are not out of balance in this manner at all. In fact, it is often the case they are out of balance in the opposite direction.
I think Dr. Valerie Saiving describes it best in her article "The Human Situation: A Feminine View", Womanspirit Rising: A Feminist Reader in Religion. She points out the sins described in the Bible are not the sins of all humans generically, but of men. The Bible was written by men for men from the perspective of male privilege in a male dominated culture. This means women's sins, women's experience of their ego, is not only different but almost the opposite of what the Bible describes.
Quote "It is my contention that there are significant differences between masculine and feminine experience and that feminine experience reveals in a more emphatic fashion certain aspects of the human situation which are present but less obvious in the experience of men. Contemporary theological doctrines of love have, I believe, been constructed primarily upon the basis of masculine experience and thus view the human situation from the male standpoint. Consequently, these doctrines do not provide an adequate interpretation of the situation of women -- nor, for that matter, of men...
. ..The temptations of woman as woman are not the same as the temptations of man as man, and the specifically feminine forms of sin...have a quality which can never be encompassed by such terms as 'pride' and 'will to power.' They are better suggested by such terms as triviality, distractibility, and diffuseness; lack of an organizing center or focus, dependence on others for one's self-definition; tolerance at the expense of standards of excellence...In short, underdevelopment or negation of the self." End quote (pg. 37)
So, while most spiritual communities train people to believe everyone has too much ego, a majority of people either have not enough or struggle to have a healthy relationship with theirs at all.
To create some separation from this negative perspective of our ego it can help to talk about it in another form: "I Am." As spiritual beings, as pieces of divinity which have come into embodiment in order to experience, unfold, and become, we are our own expression of "I Am." Who we are, what we need, how we feel and the way we express are not necessarily bad things, but instead a means for us to manifest our divinity into the world. And the world gratefully comes into being through these expressions one moment, action, thought and feeling at a time.
When someone is egotistical it is very easy for them to state what they want and act to get this want met. It doesn't guarantee they will be successful, but usually means they have no doubts, therefore choose and act with ease to achieve their goals. For someone who has low self-esteem, has been taught to fear or come to experience the world as denying them their basic needs (emotional/mental/physical/spiritual) these things are less so if not impossible.
In this situation, needs become geared towards survival, even if this means doing things which are detrimental in the long run, and wants stop being about enjoyment, instead becoming a means of escape or just a relief from suffering. If you've been taught to be the servant/hero of your family your wants will often be about escape, peace, quiet and solitude. If you've been told you're not smart enough, good enough, worth enough, then your wants become small to fit the role you've been molded into.
If we can put aside our negative understanding of ego, allow that we might have not enough of it instead of too much, and try-on the positive I Am, then we have a better chance of discerning our needs and valuing them as much as our wants.
Turning to Discernment now, it's just a fancy word for knowing what you know. Or for admitting what you know to yourself and allowing it to be true. Discernment around wants and needs means you can admit or stop forcefully ignoring what you actually need which gives permission for your wants to stop being a reaction to unmet needs.
For example, after having a hard day you may want ice cream and find you're so distracted everything has to stop until you can have some. But if you take a moment to discern what the want really is, what you find underneath is an unmet need. You might find what you actually need is a time out for 30 - 60 minutes with no one interacting with you. To be somewhere peaceful where you're not responsible for anything or can see anything which requires you do to something. And a meal which is nourishing emotionally as well as physically which you have already or do not have to prepare. Taking action to meet your need in whole or in part rather than giving in to a survival reaction which is masquerading as a simple want can keep you from self-sabotage and repeating old stuck coping mechanisms.
Manifesting projects are often rife with survival reaction wants, unspoken needs, assumptions and hidden implications. Because these are often born out of a heart felt desire, our relationship to them can be very emotional and make it difficult to use discernment effectively. One way to work past this is to use a tool I call the non-negotiables.
Everyone has things in their life which are non-negotiable. These aren't the same for everyone, but some common ones are heat in winter, indoor plumbing, access to breathable air, and jeans which actually fit. Most of us can come up with a Santa Clause "naughty or nice" length list of non-negotiable items in our lives and rank them in order of importance.
Where we get stuck is in most cases these lists will be criminally incomplete. We will leave off things we feel are selfish, confrontational, too demanding, or entitled. We will fail to list things we know have caused us problems in the past because we don't feel empowered to assert our "I Am" in favor of someone/anyone else. We don't feel we have the right to say and so we don't, even to ourselves.
This means in manifesting we either don't state things which we need, we try to sneak them in as assumptions, hope they are implied in things we want, or list them as something which is negotiable. This, of course, sets us up for failure. Or to live out the Rolling Stone song once again. We'll get what we need, not what we want, and in a way which is at best humbling and often sets us back while leaving us more miserable than we were before. But hopefully we'll be wiser?...maybe?...
Instead, I suggest people write down the specifics of what they want. Not necessarily as part of the manifestation, although putting such a list on an altar or under an activated crystal or what have you certainly boosts the signal and supports the work. But the process of writing things down causes us to clarify our thoughts and put them into concrete form whether this is in an electronic document or on notebook paper or parchment for that matter.
Once you have everything down, and I recommend not editing yourself the first go round, take a break and do something else. Let yourself relax and think about something else for an hour or a day. Then come back to the list for the next pass, which is about discernment and the non-negotiables. I tend to use a different colored pen for this pass so it's easier for me to take things in visually.
Determining The Non-Negotiables:
1) What on this list is already non-negotiable? Highlight or underline these words, phrases and sentences. Reword if necessary to make them more clear for others and the Universe if necessary.
2) Where are there non-negotiables implied? It may seem absurd, but look at each item and think of what is implied within each one. For example, think of trying to manifest a perfect partner. Usually we think of the fact they should be human as implied, but it's not. So, if you don't specify "human" you will more than likely get a pet as they are a better and easier fit. You might also think about things such as "healthy", "single", "emotionally available", "ready to enter into the type of relationship I want" and so on. Write these out in full, then highlight or underline.
3) Where are the assumptions? For example, often people assume if they work to manifest their perfect match this means they will meet the perfect partner who will help them create happily ever after and all their issues will be resolved. But a perfect match to someone who is ignoring their true needs, not stating their non-negotiables and using wants as coping mechanisms is someone who does the same. Like calls to like. So instead of creating happily ever after they will sabotage each other and themselves, barraging each other with coping mechanisms until one or the other or both is smothered in "What is happening to me?"
Look through the list to find all the assumptions. Write them out, then cross them out and look to see if you can find the underlying need. Allow yourself to sit with each one until the need communicates to you the non-negotiable.
4) What non-negotiables do you need to add? These are things which constantly come to mind and then you dissuade yourself from writing them down because they are "too": Too silly, too specific, too superficial, too greedy, too selfish... Ignore the judgement of "too" and write them down. Allow yourself the privilege of highlighting or underlining them and see how it supports or changes what and how well you're manifesting. This is how you start allowing yourself to know what you know. It is one way to begin honoring the I Am within you.
Once you've done all this, again, let it rest. Let it sit for an hour or a day or a week. Let your nervous system calm down and normalize around the fact this list exists and you can see the truth. You know what you know.
You can then work with the list as it is, make a clean copy, rework it to include all the non-negotiables in a more harmonious way, or if you realize you need to dump it all and start over because you've now got a better, clearer, more fabulous way to manifest your project, that's good too.
Being able to state clearly what it is you need, what you want, and what is non-negotiable about these things is you picking up the bow, setting the arrow in place, and aiming with a great deal of accuracy at the target. Then all that's left is to pull back and let go.