Being Mindful and Self Centered During this Holiday Season

Being Mindful and Self Centered During this Holiday Season

As we enter, once again, into the holiday season, I think it's worth taking a moment to decide if how we've always done it, how we're expected to do it, or how it's set up to run is how we actually want to "be" this year. Just as an example, Christmas has turned into a very goal-oriented holiday over the years. Months in advance, manufacturers and advertisers and retail stores and all types of businesses associated with the holidays work to be prepared for the season. Then people start gearing up for the season. Doing and planning and shopping and parties and maneuvering schedules and time.... there's never enough time even if there's enough money. On top of this we have supply issues so things we need or expect to have available aren't and varying inflation related issues mean things aren't going to be as they've always been, even if we try our utmost to make them so.

So on top of everything else this year, do you really want to go through the same routine which means you'll be too exhausted to enjoy the moment, running so hard you go into shock when the running stops, and doing so much the joy has been ground out of the season? I'm not going to go all Hallmark card here and play the sappy emotional music and ask you to bliss out with some eggnog and make donations instead of buying presents. Unless that's what would make all this craziness stop and get you back on track and if that’s the case then by all means do so. And thank you for doing that so I don't have to. 🙂

What I am saying is we can shift gears so we're more balanced about this holiday season including Canadian and American Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Winter Solstice, New Year's Eve and so on. Instead of flailing around like a one-armed paper hanger, we can change our focus. The reason for the season is joy and celebration, it's not a sport which is won or lost and there is no finish line. So drop out of the race a bit, take the pressure off, and breath. Each part of this (as much as is physically possible) should be a dance step in the holiday dance. Doesn't matter if you are graceful or clumsy at it, at least your dancing, which is fun no matter what. It's not the tango, more the hokey pokey. Get your shoulders out of your ears, realize most of this stuff we are taking so seriously is ridiculous, laugh at yourself and keep going. At the end you might be out of breath, but it will be from joy and not from the agony of a race run for no reason with no prize at the end.

One of the reasons people struggle with this is there is a cachet placed on traditions which stand the test of time. Being linear beings who live relatively brief lives, we have a reverence for things which outlast us. This includes holiday traditions. They connect us to our past, to loved ones near and far, to the generations who have gone before us, to our community, and our culture. They are part of the narrative we weave to define ourselves whether this be through the joy of being able to participate or the sarcastic bitterness of being forced to.

However, it is not uncommon for people to hear "time-tested" and think of something which has survived through many years. Basically treating it as a nicer way of saying old, but that's not actually what it means. Standing the test of time isn't just about resisting entropy. Someone who is 100 isn't time-tested because they managed to live this long, they have instead stood the test or rather tests of time. They have managed to survive and even thrive through everything life has thrown at them. They remain a part of the world around them, relevant in ever-changing and new ways, connected through various means to life and continue to uphold their part of the web of life. They are time-tested not because their heart is still beating, not because they exist on the physical plane, but because they are continuing to contribute their verse to the poetry which is life.

Holiday traditions should be held to the same standard. They shouldn't be revered because they are still happening years later, devoid of meaning and performed by rote because no one knows what else to do or is afraid a change might end the world. Holiday traditions should be living things. Each holiday they should be tested, time tested, to see if they remain relevant. They might need a bit of adjusting, a little sprucing up, a slight repair here or there. What they mean or how they are connected into the rhythm of things might change, like a very old ornament too fragile or broken to be on the tree any longer, but placed on the mantle as a precious memory. If a tradition has outlived its purpose, causes more disharmony and discomfort than joy, or brings in negativity, set it aside to be reviewed. If it can be modified, adjusted, repaired or replenished, then do that and you're good to go. If it's lived beyond its moment, then retire it with thanks and grace.

New Year's celebrations to me, have come to be the culmination of holiday seasons which are survived rather than appreciation for the year lived. They become, not a party, but a victory lap: "Yay!!! We made it through another grueling Holiday season which tops off everything which happened this year. Good riddance!" We talk about the new year and making resolutions, but in reality, we are simply in shock and trying to recover from what we are working so hard to convince ourselves was a series of enjoyable holiday experiences. Even though it's all a blur and things weren't all that fun and those that were we were barely able to focus on for the stress of already planning the next day.

There are plenty of people out there who will opine the solution to this is just to go slower, get out of the race, step back and center...they will flow with platitudes and more spiritual than thou statements, none of which change anything, guide us in any way to improve our situation and make us feel worse to boot. So what to do? 

One thing which can truly help during the Holiday Season is to make two columns labeled Happy and Coping. Then start listing all the activities which seem to be required for the next few weeks.

The Happy column is only for things which genuinely make you happy. If it's something which "should" make you happy or to which you respond "Of course it makes me happy" stop and set it aside to consider later. If it's something which makes someone else happy, it needs to be put aside too. The Happy column is for your happiness, not your being in service to others. The Coping column is for all the things you do which help you cope. Do you enjoy making the family Christmas card or is it something you do in order to cope with others' expectations and to keep the peace? Is going to the company Christmas party something you actually look forward to or something you do to cope with the pressure of your spouse and the needs of their career or just peer pressure? Do you decorate the outside of the house because you are happy when you look at it or because you need to cope with family and neighborhood expectations? And so on and so on.

This process doesn't change things automatically, but it does foster clarity. It brings to light the reality you are making choices. This holiday season isn't set in stone, you are choosing what to do, how much and when. And you can change those choices so there are more things in the Happy column and less on the side of coping. Which is a start.

But what about the people in our lives or who want to be in them? There are people we enjoy. We enjoy doing things with them, we enjoy having them around, - - - and it's ok when they go home as well. Like migratory birds we know they will be back again, or we will join them and so there's no angst, no worry, no regrets and no drive to do this or that. The people and the behaviors match and match what we need, who we and they are. There are people who we love and who love us. In the loving our lives become better and we become more than the sum of our parts. There are people who love us but who we cannot love back. Perhaps we should, perhaps it would be beneficial if, but in the end we do not, and blood cannot be coaxed from a turnip. 

There are people we love who do not love us, even as they profess to do so and yet their actions speak the truth. We can spend a lifetime forcing ourselves to believe the words and ignore the actions, making black out of white, making lies of the truth and suffering the consequences to ourselves and to everyone around us. It may be through fear, it may be through ignorance, it could be through desperate need to belong or to maintain a role or identity or mask. But once we see the opposite, once we see up is up and down is down, we can never see things the other way again. 

There are people we love, even against our own desires, and yet we do not like very much. We think "if only" or "what if" about them each time they cross our minds, and this keeps us forever hoping for change even when we know change is not something they may ever choose. We can suffer through their behaviors trying to find something in them which matches our love or makes it make sense, and we can try to walk away and ignore the pain severing ties with someone we love causes, but nothing quite satisfies other than the quiet truth: "love is".

People and their behaviors are a part of our life. How we choose to behave concerning them is a major theme in ours. Like a holiday recipe our lives are made from these ingredients, however we don't have to follow the recipe we currently have, or which has been bequeathed to us. The holidays are not only a festive time, but one which requires careful attention to boundaries and safety. Dogs shouldn't get into the chocolate, frayed electrical wires shouldn't be next to fabric or carpet, too many strings of lights can short things out and cause fire, as can burning dishes left too long in the oven, and while it's funny in movies to watch people drink too much at the holiday feast, no one wants to spend their holiday time in the ER for alcohol or food poisoning. 

It is also helpful to carry this attention into who and how we share our holidays with. If love is not enough, boundaries can't be maintained, certain combinations of people create toxicity, or hard situations just become too hard, then perhaps this year we can use our disrupted schedules and life situations to allow for a change. We're responsible for our actions. What we don't often recognize is we are also responsible for our reactions. Something happens and we don't even know it jerked us off our path because the reaction is habitual and as persistent as air or gravity. It's just the way it is as far as we're concerned. 

But rather than repeat what has always been, this year we can limit interactions, choose different activities or ways of being with each other, or just say no to things which harm rather than heal. We can honor, support, and celebrate ourselves and each other in millions of ways which means we can choose ones which nurture rather than cause us to cope.

At various times in my life I have had the opportunity to create holidays from scratch. Not invent holidays, but create the holiday experience from the ground up. In college I couldn't afford to fly home for Thanksgiving so I caught up with some of my fellow students and we would create Thanksgiving for ourselves. It was a fantastic process full of heartfelt sharing and lots of laughter as we figured out what we knew how to do, what we didn't, and how we were going to get there from here. The best part was it was somewhat like having a table full of craft supplies and being told you can make anything you want. We went through our notions of what the holiday had to have, what we could do without, and what we really, really wanted and then we put it all together on a student's budget with student abilities and it was fabulous. Everyone brought something to the table and all the stuff we didn't want or need just wasn't there to begin with. And there was plenty of pie left over. 

I had this opportunity again years later when my friends and I decided to do our own personal Christmas in addition to our family celebrations. At the time no one had kids, so it was just us adults with an entire day to do Christmas the way we wanted to. Corny Christmas music, Christmas specials, any movie we wanted to watch while we were decking out the tree, enough food to feed a small nation, eating from the moment we got there in the morning until we couldn't move late in the night, games and jokes and laughter and presents at some point in the evening. 

Creating traditions using what we loved and loved about each other was the rule. Discovering precious memories and moments from holidays past and bringing those to the event to blend into a new version of the holiday. It was priceless.

With the season in full swing there is so much business it can be hard to even experience the events as they happen. The more we are focused on the goal, the less energy we have to feel. The more energy we expend to get things right, get things done, make sure everyone else is happy and has what they need, the less we can experience anything and all we know is the blur of things. So all this talk about slowing down, going inward, having time to yourself, enjoying the moment, when does it all become relevant? When is it your turn to be the one who is happy and getting their needs met?

The answer is very simple. It's when you decide it's relevant. Nothing about the season is physics. None of it is inevitable as gravity other than the march of time. We choose what we do with the time in hand. We choose what we prioritize and how. So we can choose to have a blessed holiday which makes us happy or to be an afterthought. We can choose to be trapped by expectations and tasks or we can choose to take a different tack on things. It's not either/or. Making yourself happy is not the polar opposite of making your family happy. Prioritizing yourself does not send a hand gesture to everyone else. In fact, making yourself a priority can be the greatest gift you give to everyone you love. If you are taking care of you and being happy, your happiness spreads. It makes those who love you happy. It gives them permission to slow down and reprioritize. It invites conversation which can be enlightening when you find they are just as ready to dispense with the hustle and bustle as you are. Allowing yourself the revolutionary act of acting on what makes you happy, of creating the holiday you want to have creates magic which invites sharing, connection, and love to flow. Which is the actual reason for the season right?

So this year, take a moment to start making choices for your holiday. You don't have to do it the way you've always done, you can choose to do it the way which makes you happy now. Make a list of the "have to" things about this holiday and then evaluate it to see if you really have to do them at all. Can you substitute something else which would be better or more fun? Can you possibly leave some of them off all together? Is it possible to make room for something else you would enjoy doing? Is there something you've always wanted to do? Because maybe this is the year to do it. If the season is about Joy, then perhaps you should have some.