"Woke-ism, Steady The Ship's Leg & Hypothetical Sprints"

Live for the Export Beer Guns Studio and brought to you, as always by Export Ultra the beer for Here. This is the Agenda Podcast for Thursday, the tenth of October.

The Agenda Podcast, the home of sporting nonsense and clap Trap, brought to you by Export Culture.

And this morning I have split custody of the former Matt and Jury show.

So you've you've just spent the last three hours with my ex.

I have spent the last three hours.

How is he all the same problems that you remember from the relationship?

Yeah, you can. You can take that the man out of the relationship, but he'll just ness heat wherever you go. That's where you that's where you are.

That's rain.

And he's always been abusive and he always will be that.

It's good that other people can now see that. Yeah, yeah, I mean, now you guess lighted me right to the relationship and now you can.

See you you messaged me before. So can we just shuffle the podcast a little further forward? And I was like, oh, yeah, but I've got a bloody gun to your shirt because you you left and went upstairs, So yeah, I've got a bloody gun fill in And I've been saying I said, you said on the podcast set it today on the on the show on Hodaki. I love that it was billed as there's going to be a rotating cast of guests.

First week's just man Lane.

That's always the way. It's always been the acc way.

We just circled jerk each other.

It's the first person you see walking through the office.

I had visions of Polly and Grant in stables, the who's who of New Zealand Radio Royalty.

But no, it's just men. Men go to the.

Names you can trust from down the hall. And I asked Stuart Glane, all the names you can trust.

Names you can trust. How was your first week on air at ZIB.

It feels like a lifetime. I can't remember anything else and this is this is going to be my blow off steam outlet the a c C. I.

I reached out to.

G Lane as soon as I went up to ZIB and one of the first texts I sent out was I'm not leaving the a c C. GLA, don't think I'm leaving the a c C.

I'm going to need it. I'm going to need it more than ever.

Yeah, there was a concern for that nice what does that mean he could still do the a sec Well.

I did a bit of a chat last night a delivery of the new acc Omanac book, me g Lane and Dylan Cleaver did ye a play a play So we read out parts of the book, because you know how the book is an oral history with oh yeah, you'll say something, I'll say something. So we found a bit from twenty seventeen lines tour around when the Glane fans run assault on Precinct thirteen, situation on us on

And that's the ears.

I might just put on a bit of deodor and maybe have a shower and go up and yeah, it's the Jeremy Wells approach to life.

Yes it is.

You like two separate people, you like a split personality.

It's hard to reconcile those two parts of Jeremy Welles because when you go out in public with him, boomer ladies are just drawn to him like moths to a flame.

Oh boy, the boomer, the boomer, rural woman, the rural boomer woman.

You go into a Royal cafe with Gulane, I mean with not Gelane, with Jeremy Wales and I with Gulane.

No, no, he's not allowed in most of them. He's been banned.

But going there with Jeremy Wales and it's like Beatlemania for boomers.

Boomer mania.

It is that they come up and ask him for photos and stuff like you are obviously not listening to radio hardach Well.

I actually read about this recently.

Me and another thing on the ACC men Dylan Cleaver did a co substack between the Bounce and Matt Heath got substack dot com, and I was just talking about how he was asking me that very question, Hey you do it, and I said, well. On our flight back from christ Church the other day, when we were launching the Black Class from a spar Paul at Hagley Oval.

The Heineken factory six.

Yeah, but he got away with it with the veradge, and I was thinking, well, if he can do that, if he can, if he can, he's not even hiding play on his social media and his name. He fires out a picture of him with the coffee that he's ordered with the chor writing on it VEG. Yeah, so you can.

No one cares. No, you just keep going and plus people no, you know, like the boomers, they were young, and well, it's different.

How you talk to your friends at the pub is different, how you talk to your grandma.

That's exactly it. Yeah.

People ask me that sometimes about being on radio, and they so, how do you stop yourself from swearing?

Because I swear a lot?

Yeah, And it's the same thing. It's like you just you wouldn't swear in front of your grandparents. No, you certainly wouldn't swear at your grandparents. So you know, everyone has that ability to switch that thing off. Yeah, and sometimes it abandons you. And that's happened to me.

If you times on my broadcast and you're just you're so confused, I think that that often happens on a horrific thing over.

Oh my god, yes, yeah, where your where?

Your brain's not working, you don't really know where you are, and then you suddenly will drop the C word on a national broadcast.

What did you do something about fucking spuds or something?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I call it the Irish spud fuckers.

But they are my people.

So oh no, I dropped on on one of the commentaries, which I've since found out is actually kosher because we've got the adult button on.

But yeah, it was exactly the situation you were describing.

Deathly hungover, had to come in and commentate a Warriors game, afternoon game, and I was like, here comes Bunce, fall into the fucking.

And that's an unnecessary swear with that's you think fucking is It was so lazy.

It's just so hungover a piece of shit of me, mate, because you could just do that with everyone.

Yeah, he comes fucking and fucking Damien McKenzie par and Aara fucking Damien McKenzie.

Yeah, fucking boots it hope it was.

That wouldn't be bad. Are we sure we're doing it right? Maybe we should be doing that? That is a good point.

When can that's a fucking dry We need to sit down with Sky next year before super ugly and right where are we at?

Because the people that here that we swear already hate us. The people that would hear that we're swearing, yeah, they've already changed channels.

That's right.

Wow, I be surprised how many of them hang around excellently. Yeah, yeah, but they want to change channels.

That would certainly get them to change channels. Yeah, it would help. It would help motivate them to go where they need to be.

And I would love for someone to accidentally stumble upon us and think that we were Tony Johnson or Nisbo and then we're like.

Oh, he's got a fucking try, he's fucking mister, did you mercy Damian mckinn on the weekend.

But yeah, So what's been the biggest difference upstairs that newstalks be?

What a long long long breaks?

Oh yes, so like long talking yeah, and.

Being accused of being woke, which is something I've never really been acqued of before.

I've always been I've always been. I smoked meth and I'm okay.

Yeah, So it's interesting to be woke now, it's all I think. I think there's a certain person that just accuses anyone that isn't actively killing someone with a knife of being woke.

If you're not actively racist or sexist, then you are woke.

You haven't been racist in the last sentence, then then you're in trouble.

It's working has gone mad. Yeah, but long breaks and it's fun though.

It's good.

I'll like it up there. It's good to be able to talk about different stuff. Not that hidark you would even stopped you, but just people.

I mean, we had a huge chat about linen and bed wear on the show yesterday, on the menton Tyler Afternoons on New Storb and sleepwear, sleepwear, and I couldn't help but go to soiling them and as as we're as sheets trying to I haven't quite got the hood account me, so I was like, wow, you wouldn't want them after what me and the missis did last night?

You know that. Yeah, But apart from that.

People are quite well, because if you talked about that bid weir for as long as we did on hodech pep.

Be like move on, fuck off.

It's funny say that Jerry was talking about bids this morning as well. So this is the people telling me to yeah quite quickly. It's the a sec hive mind between all of us. We've got one brain, yeah, and each of us gets a turn to use it.

I know, sometimes I think I'm speaking when you're speaking.

Yeah, it's monologue. Sometimes Gelane is speaking while I'm speaking.

He will why don't even talk over you, but too he will mouth what you're saying is you're saying it.

That can be quite off putting.

I wanted to run a what I think is quite a zbe style topic passed you this morning as well. Australia have waived diplomatic community for a man used of an early morning assault in the Wellington CBD.

Have you seen the video emer.

I mean, I don't know if you're allowed to say this, but he comes across as the biggest a hole about.

So he he First of all, he's in a fronkr at three am after an All Blacks game against the Wallabies. He is the partner of an Australian politician.

Right, she's just scratching a head game, dude. Yeah.

And in the video he is yelling I have diplomatic immunity, I know.

Is that worse than do you know who I am? Yes?

Because I saw once saw a quite a famous New Zealander and he was trying to get into the backstage at Laneway and he said to the scurity guards you know who I am? And he goes, yes, I do. And that's not going to fucking help you. In fact, I'm less likely to let you in. Fuck off.

Oh my god, I can't imagine. Yeah, but can you mention even pulling it?

Noll? Who would you have to think you were? Who has the card to the city? Yeah, well I've never seen Leehart say that, but he has that. I've never seen him pay for a ticket to anything of this, because he just walks up to the front door and people.

Like heart and then they let him in.

I was trying to get into the Emerson's bar and Dunedin with you were there with me, Yeah, with you.

This is right?

Yeah, And I tried to pull the do you know who he is? About Karen Reid and they were like, yeah, he can come in, but he wouldn't go. And he's such a good guy. He wouldn't go in fire regulations and this he took us about five of us plus some hangers on that were like that would just attached us like a like a attached the trailer to us, like one hundred meters before. He was such a good guy, as like off, everyone can't get. It was absolutely freezing

The poor bouncer was like, I can't. My boss can't find out tomorrow that I didn't leave here and read and to the pub. But then it was like once he had done that, it was like drafting sheep. And as soon as he'd shifted the gate that way, our whole mob tried to get in. The we did eventually. It was while out there five of us, three randoms.

Yeah, and I text the boss uh Emercens about it as well.

I mean we wouldn't export ultra. Yes, that's right, the export ultra. Yeah, what are we talking about? Crazy? We were talking about the diplomatic community guy trying to get in there also yelled a pretty hearty homophobic slur before loudly claiming he has diplomatic community in the Australian government.

Was like, do you do you because it turns out we can wave that very easily, Like we're not going to battle for you. You know, we're dumping so many five O ones on these guys. Yeah, we're going to pick our fo Yeah we don't. We don't want to. We want to just keep dumping our five O ones. We're not going to battle with you, No, we're not.

Trying to figure out what I guess it's to stop like two countries. So say we had a tense negotiation with Australian, we didn't get along with each other, we sent one of our politicians over there and they bloody kidnap him.

Yeah it's it's that kind of thing, yeah, or they accused him of And also it's like Julian Assange being at the Ecuador and Embassy embassy for so long because the laws of Ecuador rule on the floor of this of the embassy, and.

It's to stop international tensions, right, yeah, to stop a war, yeah, from us accusing one of your politicians of doing something they didn't.

I read this really annoying thing where none of the U n or the diplomatic diplomats and New York pay their parking tickets.

And it's a huge issue.

And they don't do it in London either, and they were listening how many like the American embassy, ohs millions and millions and millions of dollars London parking fines because they just park anywhere beause they've got diplomatic community. They're not going to pay it, and they do it, and vice versa.

In New York. The only country in the world that's paying its parking fines is New Zealand. We're at the.

Front of the class, putting a hand up and go we'll pay those yeah. And it's like no one cares. You know, you can't run up enough parking things, but we have to be the best in class, up the front, left cross we pay our parking fines. It's like, nah, let them burn.

Yeah.

But well, I also feel like that's a that's a real stretch of the use of diplomatic communities.

Like, wow, that's not what we meant.

What do it mean you can park in a handicapped spot everywhear go public urination.

Yeah, exactly.

So I love that he's I love that he yelled I have diplomatic community. I love that they then waved it. So now he's going to face court. It'll be a slap on the rest, but it's it's more humiliation that it's huge and terrible for us part. All right, let's take a quick break. We'll come back and talk about

It's such a bummer. I know what's beautiful. It was my idea as well. That's Auto Trader were like, we need to tell I mean, you're the main driver, right, go, I know this is what I mean.

Auto Trader came to us, how dumb are you?

We need to help Kiwis because that show how dumb are you or how dedicated to the cause.

Are you well this is I think it shows where my brain's at. Yeah.

On brand first, I'm going to look at it as dumb, but other people could look at it as dedicated, selfless, selfless, well, the most reckless part of it. And just to get it out of the way, we're selling it on Auto Trader. It'll be on it'll be up for auction in November, and I'm probably I've probably put myself in the situation where I'm going to have to buy it back because I can't part with it, particularly now that it's been

The tray still smells like Sultan vinegar. I don't know why, but it does.

If you get into a bidding war with Mini Stewart, do the right thing and let him have it.

Pull out because I'll eat because he deserves it. I'll drive us both into financial ruin in order to get this.

He's not going to stop that Sporting News that worries me this morning, I'm sure it worries you as well. Kane Williamson is under an injury cloud, some sort of groin slash hamstring situation.

Other black Caps fucked without Kane Williamson. Are they fucked with Kane Williamson in India? You know?

I mean so it's a good point. We already thought they were fucked with him. Now now there's all kinds of trouble. And that's what I've got. Solaces. Don't care what the black Caps do overseas. Like when we won the World Test Championship, that was it. I've got fulled my boots on New Zealand overseas and yet it's a World Cup. I don't care and there's no chance we get to the World Test Championship. And I think most countries like that. India doesn't care if they come down

Yeah, it's a large part of it, as the time zone thing, because I think that's why no one really cared when South Africa left Super Rugby, because I don't I'm lootting up at three am to watch.

They were just some names we read out.

I don't know where any of those teams were from, where the storm was from. I think it's Cape Town. I think I don't know that. Yeah, we're never kid bulls. Yeah, Pretoria, but I could not if you gave me a map of out South Africa, I could not pour into Pretoria.

So it's the same thing. You're right.

And also just how rigged it is in India. And I don't mean the gameplay, I mean the conditions, the setup. There'll be people chanting and parading outside our hotel all night, probably probably be a fire drill or two, yeah, in the in the hotel.

So that's a good point.

So let's get Cain Williamson healthy for playing back here in New Zealand.

What I am worried more importantly for his lucrative.

What I am worried about is this is how every athlete's career ends. Yes, it's an a c l, then it's a shoulder or an elbow, then it's a groin, then it's a hamstring in the end, they just they just.

Can't be bothered because it's because they're spending so much time rehabilitating and then they just go, you know what, got a bit of money in the bank.

And it's mileage for Kane because famously he takes more throwdowns than anyone. It's all he does. It's how he became so good. As he spends more time in the nets, he's faced more balls than anyone.

And at a certain.

Point does that catch out to I don't want to face many I don't want to Yeah, we've only got so many balls.

It's like artbeats. I mean, everyone's talking about this at the moment. But we've been lucky enough to live through an absolute golden period of New Zealand cricket. Unprecedented, unlikely crickets a competitive sport, a lot of people play around the world, a lot of big countries, a lot of big money, and we have been right up there with

We were lucky to have it.

But now we go back into the black Cap supporter support group phase where we love the victories, but we don't expect them.

Does it concern you, as a member of the Alternative Commentary collective if we are going into a dark patch of New Zealand cricket.

I think the fortunes of the ACC have been heavily tied to the fortunes of the Black Caps. I don't know if the a SEC would be where it is now if yeah, if we hadn't fired off. In fact, someone wanted that that very thing, like on on my substack.

We have been as big? And the answers, no, no, no.

Will we kid ourselves and say that it was nothing to do with that and more to do with our own talent?

Yeah? Yeah, And will that eventually be the undoing of the a SEC? Probably probably? Yeah, all things, all things been.

A golden It's been a golden period for the ACC as well, it has, and all things passed. Yeah, and you know, Glane's suffering a lot of injuries.

It's hit a hole in his head. Oh my god.

Literally, so Glane as our captain, Yeah, he is, he is.

And like I was saying, most professional athletes don't get to decide when they retire. It gets decided for them. How many more can he withstand? He did his hamstrung. He did his hamstring just last winter. Yeah, that's ready, blewis Hammi. Yeah, he's the injuries. When Chelana piling up, he's in achilles away from going under. I reckon, I've got a hypothetical scenario that I wanted to run past you.

And it's completely the other person's completely random.

Other person's completely render. It could be a baby, It could be a baby, it could be how stoked would you be if it's a baby. If it's a baby or a ninety year old person, it could be someone on their deathbed, that's right.

Unfortunately, the population we've got population collapse globally at the moment. So so there's more old people, there's more old peoples, but there's there's also more people that are middle aged. So yeah, ah, so I guess do you think you're faster than seventy five percent of the people on the planet.

I mean, if you're calling baby yeah, babies old people, I reckon, I've got them covered. Any kid from like honestly like eight, yeah, how quicks an eight year old?

You had kids?

At what point did your kid first did you realize they were faster than you?

One of them quite quickly. The other one is still not bends on the kids.

If Charlie was out, there would be in Charlie at ten trouble.

You're in all sorts. Yeah, so yeah, one hundred million, that's a life changing amount of money. Yeah, losing your.

Leagues is also, and there's always a chance that were saying by that's right, you pop in and it's Noah Lyles, you know, it's Rico Yanni and the other lane, or interestingly, it'd be something that you're trying to work out with Carl Lewis or something, and you're like, well, he's sixty, but he was the fastest person in the world at one point.

What kind of shape is in? What kind of shape has he showed up for the start line?

Here? Here?

You see the name just beforehand, and then you find out he's massively blown out?

Yeah, oh thank god. Yeah, so it does the person right now, you know, because it could be Joe Biden.

That pops in next there.

You know, I guess what the question is is, do you think you're faster than the average person? Yeah, as basically, and I am fairly certain I'm not.

But the risk reward here one hundred million dollars is a line.

And you can have a decent life with no legs. These days you get some blades and I think that a wheelchair.

The interesting thing for me is, you know, anytime you see someone who's missing in appendage, immediately you want to ask them what happened parks and of my store, who was well, I raced a random person for one hundred million dollars.

Ye, you'd make and yeah, you would make probably at least ten million.

On the talking circuit the book How I Overcame, You're kind of shorting the odds on the story and one of the most ridiculous situations of all time.

Because every talk show in the world would want to talk to you one hundred percent. I'm on Conan.

You could have a podcast called Risk REWARDSK Reward where you talk to people and I actually don't need my legs for my current job.

I sit down, I'm not using my legs right now.

They're not doing anything, so you're actually anything.

There are a hindrance.

More people would listen to this podcast if they knew I didn't have legs. I've always said, my legs a whole out. You've already given up the you've already given up the ute. Are you willing up to want to give up your legs?

Well?

Greg Carryama gave up a kidney, didn't he? He did give up a kidney. Did you get it back when I suppose it failed?

Didn't it? That's sort of it. Yeah, sort of way. Yeah, okay, Yeah, let's not dim the quality of it. Oh that's another angle. Yeah. Maybe if we had to give them a.

Bit of kidney anyway, I would do it one hundred million year a hundred million.

Lose my legs. I don't use them anyway, Yeah, bargat all right, were oxygen thieves my legs?

Yeah, although some say the best part of my body anyway.

You have, you have legs ago all the way out.

It goes, it goes to ship from the waist up.

But actually for me, because I've got long torso short legs syndrome, so I could just argue forever I had a great pair of legs.

You were six foot five before your lost those legs.

I remember if I had probab leggs, I'd be a decent night. All right, let's take one more quick break and we'll come back with youles please.

Yours please, brought to you by Leader.

Home, just the two of them to get through this morning. Matt hey send the first one goes like this, yours, please.

Get a fellas. Yeah, My Hike cramfather worked in a pub at the time of the six o'clocks. Well, and he said that the copper would come around to make sure everyone was complying, and everyone would just run into the back of the pub and then he would, you know, pour a pint for the copper who would you know, as a as a thank you for looking the other way, you know, because everyone's pints were half finished and Darry's were still burning the on the bar, and he would

There's always a way, isn't there. There's always workarounds, Oh, for sure. You know, there's always a gray area.

Well in the town I grew up in the main pub, the Womany Hotel, was directly across the road from the police station, so the cops are always in there. And but because it's a country pub, you know, you know the people that work behind the bar, so when you're fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, if they know no one's looking dustling the odd pint. Yeah, but they would just be like, all right, I'd go in and they'd be like are you sitting with adults?

But yeah, okay, I'll give you a beer.

But if one of the cops come and you put that beer in front of one of the adults, and that was basically that was the role allegedly how it worked.

It works.

So back in that six o'clock swell day, there were some pups that just had a urinal across the front of the bar.

I've seen photos of that.

Yeah, disgusting, so that you didn't have to leave because you had one hour of drink. So the last thing you want to do is spend any of the time in the bathroom. So you've just got a bunch of guys classy nation. You got a bunch of guys just with the cocks out drinking.

So who would have been the first one to suggest that. They would have gone into their bar and be like, look, mate, if you want to shut at six, I can't be in here paying you basically just to piss. Yeah, can you please move the urinal to the bar? Yeah, And the guy would have had to go into the local plumber. Actually, the local plumber probably suggested it.

Yeah, yeah, I've gone off a few Yeah, I have an idea. I've got a solution.

I mean, when we say a urinal, most of the time would have been some corrugated iron, a curved corrugated iron that ran out to a bit of a bit of a down pipe.

Oh my god, imagine the smell. I mean, bars smell better enough as it is. How hard do you need to be passing up to be like I can't I can't leave the seat for a minute to urinate, And so.

How much do you need to beer? And we've still got that mentality to this day one hundred percent. We were saying yesterday, but we always think alcohol is going to be taken off us. We always we always feel like it's a famine mindset. Yeah, what if there's no I don't know where my next beer is coming from. Yeah, so we're only five messed beers away from narchy.

That's right.

And it's funny because that's what I reckon brought an into all the lockdowns, you know, where people are like I even thought this. I'm not an anti vexer, but I always thought, like, what would it take for me to just mindlessly comply with something the government?

Tom turns out and shutting the pubs for a month.

Whatever, I don't care, micro chip me put it all in there.

I want to go back to the part. That's right. Yeah, they held the pubs over.

Usted right up until then, I was just like I'll never comply with the government just because they told me too. And then they were like, you can't go to the pub. Was like, damn me, everything on a whole lot. I'm getting back into the pub. Yeah, I agree. I think that all came from the the six o'clock Swell, which yesterday, in nineteen sixty seven was abolished.

One more caller here yours please?

Yeah, good old fellas. How good's old Neil fucking Barns. What a bloody champion? Get him in Neil backs you fuck Razor off what Barnes you at the helm. But absolutely I reckon boards are just really thick and heavy into the bears. It's all it takes, while the sounds of it don't do anything. Barnsi was in charge, and if he was doing a voicy thing, he like this. He'd signed off by saying, fuck Corraca.

We're talking the Ricky the equivalent of Rocky from Trailer Parks of New Zealand.

There.

Yeah, that was that was good. Guys, had a great turn of phrase. Yeah he did.

How good to fucking Neil Bloody barnesby Barnsy, he hit him on the pod yesterday, had him on the pod, Yeah, Tuesday, I think, and he he was saying, God bless him. He's an old school coach.

He was.

He talked a lot about he's aware of the role in PC plays in the country and these guys' careers and what it means to win the shield, and so he let them hit the purse. He's like, yeah, you won the shield, you should hit the purse. Yeah, but we've got a fucking because when we were off here he said, I've only got about five minutes we're going into the review session. I said, it must be a bit pretty easy review session. You've just won the shield. He goes, you, reckon, I've got a quarter final on

I was like, that's a good point. Yeah, well, I think it's part of it.

It's there's a lot of aspects to a professional sports team, and one thing you had on one of the the hurdles is that it hungover team if they won the Renfully Shield, and if they won the Renfrely Shield, that's just you've got it. It's like a storm week. All these things you've got Affector into well.

That we were talking about that before, like how how unfair one unfair, but how gutted you'd bear for your Tasman because they had two shield contests in a storm week, so they had I think they won it in a storm week and then they lost it again. Yeah and a storm week, so yeah, I suppose it swings it roundabouts.

Yeah.

Yeah, and you've had it, so you had the joy of it, So someone else does, I mean eventually gonna lose it. Yeah, so it's fantastic you had it and everyone was stoked. Yeah, and that's great, and then you lost it and you've got a couple of excuses.

If South Canterbury when Heartland again, Barnsey has agreed to bring the Shield challenge to halfway if we.

Fill as fridge full of export ultras.

And look, if I can broke a deal to get South Callery to compete for the shield, then you know more than happy to particularly if it's best sponsors that's paying for it.

Yeah, not many.

You're not actually donating match that's actually going to shoehorn yourself into a Yah.

It's actually got nothing to do with me. But I will claim all of the glory for it. All right, let'sknock listening on the hit mate. Thank you very much for joining us and we'll see you next week.

Brilliant.

All right, Dan, Okay, you've been listening to The ACC's a gender podcast brought to you by Export Ultra. For more episodes, like and follow on iHeartRadio form you get your podcasts