"The Hagley Oval Pitch Has An STD?"

Live from the Export Beer Garden studio and brought to you, as always by Export Ultra, the bear for here. This is the Agenda Podcast for Thursday, the twenty eighth of November.

The Agenda Podcast, the home of Sporting Nonsense and claf Trap, brought to you by Export a Vulture.

And we are still in Crosshatch.

We're coming to you live and direct from the Romata Hotel across the road from Takaha Stadium or what will be Ta Cars Stadium in a year or two time. I'll tell you what the gun helpful leather over there or that instructure.

April twenty twenty six. That's what That's what our cap driver told us. Yeah, but it looks from the outside it looks like it should be ready sooner than that, but obviously there's a lot going on.

Yeah elsewhere.

It's one of those stadiums that sort of looks a little bit like Forsyth Bar, where it's like giant scaffolding worth glad wrap around it and you're like, how long could that take really?

But they are they're over there guing health leathering. Impressive.

This is not an ad for the Remata, but impressive soundproofing here I can hear anything.

Because there is about a thousand people working on that site right now. But yeah, well it helps that we're on the other side of the building. A Test cricket starts today.

Oh my god, Happy cricket Christmas.

So we're going to pop our cricket cherry eleven o'clock this morning. The first Test match. We went and checked out Hagley Oval.

Yesterday. We had a good wander around.

Had a heady yarn to your mate Bears, Yes, who was out heading catcheres to Olli Pope, who is the replacement keeper because the original keeper has broken his finger or something, so Oli Pope and he's not a full time keeper. So he was out there and Bears was absolutely creaming balls at him.

Yeah, he was giving it to him. He was standing in front of the hoarding. The bloody hoardings are pretty resilient, I thought, because they were using that as their backstop, and Bears was just blasting him, like obliterating him.

And I saw what I described.

Yesterday as my first ever professional loser circle.

Yes it was.

I mean, look, the loser circle is you might know as the warm up routine before a usually before a social cricket match where everyone stands in a kind of big arc and one person just hats catchers and it is known as the loser circle. But this one was you that you can't. I don't think you'd call it a loser circle because pretty much there was a three man slip cordon and a wicket keeper, a man standing

He was getting like genuine edges. Yeah, that's on purpose, the level of skill you have to have.

To edge it on purpose. Also, he had no gloves on. That was wild.

So the guy's having a ball at him, a one hundred k's and he's down on one knee just nicking them to a professional loser circle.

Yes, Well, I think what we found there is a loophole, the loser circle loophole where if you stand in a slip cord and it's no longer a loser circle, yes, it is now a slip cordon and you're actually training, it's not a loser circle.

Well.

I also, I mean I wouldn't recommend that you suddenly changed from a loser circle into this format of catching because you really got to trust the thrower because you got no helmet, You've got no nothing like I'd imagine if we tried to do it as the acc eleven, the first ball would be thrown at my head yeap, yes, on purpose, and my nose would be splittered across my face.

There be no edges. Yeah. It was good though to get down there.

We let to go a bit of a trojan horse sort of a route to get into the ground.

Because we got there and the securities like who the hell are you guys?

Yeah, we said, oh no, no, we just we know a few people here, know Dave, Can you let me in?

Yes? No, we lock down mate.

Then eventually someone actually did show up for New Zealand Cricket.

It was like, what are you guys doing here? Oh no, we come down to just come to look at the pitch. I don't have a look at the pitch and he's like oh yeah.

So then so then we got they didn't and they just so happened to be out there training. We had a bit of a gas bag with the ground stuff there as well. Yeah, worrying stuff. They've got detimo in the pitch.

Not Didimo, but they had they have a grub. That's some sort of grub. Yeah, that's come from Scotland. It's that they keep it bay by spraying it. We just sprayed him down there and it drives him down. So it's like the upside down. It's yeah, there's something's going on under the ground that we don't know.

So it's an organism.

I thought it was some sort of bloody well like I said, I thought it was dimo.

No, no, no, it's a living organism. Okay, so they got nuts.

Basically, they got nuts, they got catoos oval they have and the pitch is a classic Hagley start of the season pitch.

She's as green as the outfield. Yeah that's what the that's what the ground stuff said. When we were talking to them. What do you think it is?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but they said that they played a plunk shield Northern District's Canterbury and on day one, three hundred and fifty runs were scored in nine wickets were taken. So I was like, yeah, okay, that's not not too bad. So it's not not a total mindfield, no, but.

It's I thought it was funny talking to them about how they think about preparing because I've never talked to a grounds person about that kind of thing before, and like the stats that they want to sort of reduce, and yeah, he was like, yeah, three and fifty rouns, but there's also nine wickets and you could see his eyes lighting up and he got that glow. It was the same look that Gary steerdead in his eyes when he was teaching me how to bowl leggies on the floor of TV and Z. It was that, oh, this

Yeah, they had it real stiffy for it. So the toss is going to be pretty important. I think whoever wins the toss will definitely bowl, unless Bears he goes for Bears and.

Decides to bat.

So but I don't, I don't know. I don't I don't think he will. Yeah, their chance, their World Test Championships chances are done. England they're out. They lost to Pakis are two to one last series, so they're they're they're mathematically impossible. So they've got they've got you know, they've got the freedom. We have got the pressure. We have to win all three of these games first time for a while. No Anderson and no broad No, No, Jimmy Anderson.

I thought he'd retire.

So it's the bowling intake is led by Chris Wokes Murder Murder she Wokes and then Gus Atkinson Brighton cass Is show him the spinner. So it's all kind of unknowns to us. Yeah, you must have checked Brayton or in Brighton, Brighton cass So yeah, so it's kind of an all new bowling lineup that we're gonna we're going

Yeah, maybe they. Who's Sir Jeffrey Boycott.

Jeffrey boy He is an old Yorkshire cricketer, used to play for England. He's the dry ass guy who on all the commentaries.

So he's written an article this week saying that what New Zealand should do because we just beat India in India three nil. They just lost to who Pakistan two one, two to one, both in dust bowls. He said, if we had any balls, we'd prepare a dust bowl here in New Zealand.

Well that's what I mentioned.

You said, it's like Justice one dust bowl. Yeah, well for the start and Wellington's my basin, Rezis was my ground.

Yeah, well he said we don't have the stones to do it. Fucking Boycott.

So Boycott was notoriously slow. He was notoriously known as the world's slowest and most boring batsman. People would run him out just to get rid of him, like his own team. His own team would run him out because he was so dull.

Yeah right, that's like when Chris k occupied the crest for all twenty overs of Trade's eleven yea, and yeah he scored twenty something himself, but it was directly the reason we lost him.

It wasn't the catchers, it was him holding up an end to the T twenty. It's not what you do. He set up the brick wall. He's like, I did. We're like, yeah, thanks mate, you did.

Yeah, No, I just I reckon we should do it as well. But I don't understand why we don't do more of It's so much more fun bowling spin watching spin bowlers. Yeah, but we just go green zeema.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know. What what do you do to Pip? I mean, maybe ask kJ Maybe we'll give him a call. How do you prepare a dust bowl? Do you just burn the grass off? Is it the type of clay that you use? Is it? How do you do you just fucking roll the ship out of it until nothing can live on it? I don't know.

You'd have to get the deimo out of it first. Yeah, issue didn't get the cartoos out.

Yeah.

I think Wellington is the one. I don't know why it's got the vibe. Hamilton potentially could turn into it. You could turn that into a dustball.

Well, yeah, what happened last year when all of a sudden the spinners looked incredible, that was because it was bouncing.

Yeah, something happened last season where it was remember we misread this African Test and it was turning on day one.

Yeah, we dropped no spinner. We had no spinners. That were like fuck Glenn and you can turn it on this It's like oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah, no, there was.

That's great. There should be more of that. Have we heard anything about the Barbie Army that in town? Yeah?

They.

I don't think I've got a big traveling party, but all the Expats come out of the cracks. H they like come out of the sewers whenever England tour and they all gathered together and sing their sing their songs and.

Yeah whatever cross Roads is very English town as well.

Yeah, there'll be there'll be a lot of them and they will sing every Yeah, that's good. It shows the Yonders and we're just so rubbish it doing any of that kind of thing.

Yeah we are.

Five memories have been a kid at Bloody Jade Stadium at Lancaster Park and you know the barmie Army is there and they're going crazy.

They are very song focused.

Yes, the Barmie Army and English sports fans in general, the football fans, the cricket fans will be. They're saying swing law Stweech area.

In the early days, that are one of their greatest chances. When when you can get three dollars to the pound, and then that's saying we've got one dollar.

To the pound, we've got two dollars to the pound, we've got three. Yeah. I love a good financial about coming over here. Just yeah, yeah.

I remember going to a game where I actually watched Shane Warn play one time, and these dudes up behind me. They went to the Barmi Army obviously, but they were just yelling who ate all the pies the entire game, who ate all the pies? And I just as a like ten year old kid, I was like, this is the greatest day of my life. You ate all the pies? You're allowed to abuse so much? Yeah, what are your fair? Past? Me and my dad up there just giving it to him.

Yeah, it's the slave auction that was held in Reed. Oh I don't know it was in Saudi Arabia.

Any Yeah, but only really from Lovely twenty for New Zealand, I think. But he got paid to lat On a bit million now when he that goes straight to him, right, yeah, it does.

A part of it goes to New Zealand, not.

For him, no, because he doesn't have the central contract, so they wouldn't get a cut of it.

He doesn't.

That's it's it's really convoluted about how they pay them as well. You've got to play every game, right if you're available to every game. It's different from if you play every game, and it's kind of kind of pro rata to that. So if you don't have the maximum, so.

If you just don't get picked but you're healthy, you don't get paid.

You get paid not the full whack. Yeah, right, and then you got Rishian part went for five million.

That doesn't pass the sniff test.

Yeah, they love him though, they love they love him. He's the every day's hero. He's a little bit chubby. He keeps and he's smecks the ball.

Like I said, I saw them warming up and we were playing against him and he did a bloody handspring.

I was like, what the fuck is that? This ud? Looks like meat?

Yeah, well he's got for six weeks work, he's got five got a million bucks a week.

Yeah, that is that is ridiculous.

I saw that Mitchell, Darrel Mitchell didn't go and I was like, that's confusing because I remember he got the bag last year.

Yeah, because Conway. Conway's been selected along with Ravendra. Yes, they're the only ones in the first round.

Yeah, but Mitchell missed out and I found out that he actually had a reserve price of about four hundred and something.

K oh, we have a limited space remaining on the podcast. Set up the memory card. This could be a short podcast.

No, but well he had a reserve of four hundred and sixty cable, which I don't know. I don't understand how that's sit but that he just missed out on money because of that reserve.

The reserve too high.

Yeah, yeah, well Ben Stokes has sit them out completely. He's pulled himself out of the auction. He's going to concentrate and playing for bears.

He's decided he's got enough money. Yeah, that's ridiculous. And Dave good news though, David, dam dumm. He also got left off. Oh thank god. Yeah, he didn't get packed either.

I'd actually probably rather he did get picked than then this list of him in the commentary.

Yeah true, actually, yeah, all right, let us take a break.

We're going to check the equipment here, make sure it doesn't fail us, and then they will be right back. All right, Well, we don't know how long this podcast is going to go for, because we've just received a warning on our remote recorder that it's got limited space. Didn't tell us how much space it's got left. No, there is a number on there.

This is fourteen.

Now, that could mean that we've got fourteen minutes left, but we've also been recording for fourteen so well.

Yeah, Look, it's like when Petrolt comes on in the car. You don't know exactly how far you can go. Some say eighty ks, some say fifty, some say twenty.

Yeah, we don't have the range on here, so we're just going to ride this thing into the Rocks. Joe Juria's had to go back early. He would know how to fix this. But he is in Auckland setting up for the commentary, which is everywhere we go and everyone that we've seen since we've been down here in christ it just said the exact same thing.

Oh, he goes down for the cricket. Wow, funnily enough. No, no, we'll be back up.

We will be back up in Auckland to commentate the game that's going on just down the road from where we are right now. Some other stories in the sporting world, Joseph park has just announced a new fight. He's going to fight d Boys Dubois du Bois, who is the guy who just knocked out Anthony Joshua. Yeah, yes, Anthony Joshua. He's going to fight him in Saudi twenty twenty two

The only problem is, I mean, the Middle East is fine. Sadi.

Saudi's a little bit tougher to have a good time, and yeah, you know, it's not quite as loose as Dubai or even Abdhabi.

Yeah, so yeah, I don't know if all of.

It needs to be played in Saudi unless they create a little principality where you can actually.

Get past them. Yes, I feel like they'd be open to that. Yeah, they probably would.

They don't mind letting the wistern pigs just roll around in their shit if they want to, you know, as long as they're not doing they'll let.

You just sort of go on go and do your thing over the Western pegs rolling around in this shit. No.

Yeah, so that's good news for Joseph Parker. I'm pretty excited about that. To the social media disc do you follow Bryson dis Chambeau on Instagram?

No? I don't. Well, he's worth a follow at the moment.

He's doing this thing where he's obviously got a putting green at the back of his house and he is standing in the front of his house on a little astro turf thing and he's doing every day he's trying to hit a hole in one over his house.

I've seen memes of people trying to do it and then just caning it through their front window.

Well, this is the thing.

The entire front of his house is glass too, and so he for every day he's doing it, he gets that many shots. So it's day fifteen today and he took fifteen shots to try and get it spoiler alert didn't get it. But every day, yeah, day one one shot, day two to two shots. He's very close, like very very close. And so he's standing in his driveway heads it over his house and his mate standing up on top of the roof film in the whole thing so that he can see how.

Close he got. Yeah. Shit, he's getting close. It's like the level of skill.

I mean, I'm not breaking any news here, but he's a pretty good golfer, but just the level of it, like to be able to head it over the house of that smashing it would be, yeah, what I would be aiming to do. But he knows he's about a foot off. I'm actually gonna be a bit disappointed when he finally does it, but gonna look up Bryson Dcembo. It's a good fun little thing to watch. If you can spell d chambo, I Billy could. And sticking with

Yeah, that sounds right for corruption as well, if you're going to mate who's working in the broadcast.

Because that would too like over unders on the length that national anthem, right, like celebrity spottings and things like that.

I think that's something that the ACC could, you know, if there was an ACC.

Shat our own sports pok which is ridiculously like someone chugging a beer.

Yes, yeah, match. Yeah.

I don't think we thought big enough because through Super Rugby we did have the ACC power play, which was any jersey six or nine to score, which I thought was quite good, very innovative, But we didn't think far enough, you know, like if we had over under one and a half butt cracks to be despite yes underpants or yeah, underpants budgie smugglers. How many players are wearing you know, full undies versus wife fronts. Yeah, I reckon that there's a lucrative market that's being untapped there.

Butt cracks. Yeah, the over under on butt cracks.

Look, we have to I have a half baked sports idea that I haven't I haven't done a half baked sports idea in a while. So you got six minutes, all right, let me take a break and then let me come back and give you a half baked sports idea in six minutes or less. Well, it has been a long ti time since I've just out a half back sports idea. But I was listening to a podcast today.

So because everyone's off for.

The day, you've adjusted you sorry, yeah, yeah, phone, You've got to have his phone on. He's chasing charge his whole life. His phone's upside down on the charge right now. So yeah, so they have a full slate of games on Thanksgiving, we should have that on White Tonguey Day because super rugby is already fired up by the end.

Yeah, that's true. Why don't we have a full slate all all the Kiwi Darby's.

You revolve the entire calendar around the White Tonguey Day derby basically what they were trying to do with.

Not Magic Ground. What are they?

They one super round? Yeah, yeah that No one gives a shit about that. They do it in Melbourne. Melbourne don't even know that rugby's going on. It's bullshit.

Well it should be in Queens Town. We know that.

This is it, So White Tangy Day you have maybe it's in the Bay of Islands, you know, you set up a you set up a little pitt shit Russell. Yeah, and you have White Togy Day and every all day you're just watching rugby from sun up to sundown, a carnival of festival of rugby.

Well at all the derby. So what's that three games? Yeah yeah, and one of them smaller Pacifico. But yeah, they play the Highland. It's just to make up numbers.

Yeah, so it's from a two thirty kick off, four thirty kick off, seven thirty kickoff.

Yeah yeah, that'll be even even early you get the twelve thirty.

I mean, I'm sure the players had hate that, but you know we're sitting there, You're locked into your couch from lunchtime to nine o'clock.

They do to take advantage of public holidays more in terms of just putting it on, because.

I remember we had a we had a public holiday I might have been Queen's King's Birthday last year and.

We're like, there's no games on and Rugby League had you entire weekend we had hadn't been able to figure it out. Well, everyone's you know, on holiday for the for White Tongue Your Day. Let's make White Tongue You Day great again.

Maki.

Yeah, yeah, that is in the middle of winter either or I'm just saying, if I've got the day off, I want a full slate of bloody rugby games to shoot through.

That's not not the worst idea of here. No halfway sports ones, but that's not that bad.

It's the White Tongue Your Day do be the only reason I picked White tongue because I was like, that's our national national holiday. So yeah, it figure it out. I know, I know the powers that be listening to this, so make it happen. All right, we've got about a minute.

Lift on this thing. I know we've actually got oh we got five, We've got five.

But anyway, we need to get out of here. Check out of the Romata incredible soundproofing, hit out to hit out to the airport and fly back up to Aukland to commentate the game first ball at eleven o'clock.

But you'll be listening to this after that.

I Heart Radio all you just have to search cricket. I just found out. You go to iHeart just search cricket. Really, it's the first thing that comes up.

Enjoy cricket Christmas and we will be back tomorrow morning before day two to recap Day one.

Receeding you've been listening to the ACC's Agender podcast, brought to you by Export Ultra. For more episodes, like and follow on iHeartRadio for wom you get your podcasts