As rogue as a tail ender on strike.
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What beautiful data's down in christ Church?
Absolute stunner, beautiful day to either sit on the bank, watch a bit of cricket or maybe pump the avon.
Cass comes in bowls, abounce to Smith. He gets underneath it. Yeah, lovely. It's as she mentioned, Jerry Bent absolutely shithouse in Auckland all weekend.
Pessing down.
And I had big plans yesterday to get out of my garden.
Sadly they were wrecked by the weather.
It's absolutely beautiful down.
I mean, if you guys ever punted the avon, yes, I you know what I I poop pooped the idea of punting on the avon.
I thought myself, why do you want to punt on the avon?
I made love while I was punting on the avon once. This is pushed by Smith out through the covers for a single.
Did you make love with the with the punter.
Or was going to rend us Jerry? Why would I do that?
Well, maybe that was the idea of pumping on the avon and that's well I had a good height for that.
Certainly to be more accurate, there was someone else punting while.
I made love. Okay, I don't know that he.
Was terribly comfortable with what was going on, but it just seemed like an opportune moment, very romantic.
Does that count as the devil's threesome?
Explain to me.
A devil's threesome is that where a third party doesn't really want to be the third party.
Two guys wonker Ah.
This is a nicely driven by Mitchell down the ground through med On. I don't think it will which to the boundary and probably get three.
When I punted the ovon with Matt Heath about ten years ago, we were underneath a travel rug and so I.
Imagine, were you underneath the rug or were you were you open?
You were?
It was all open?
It's fully open. Wow?
Okay?
Were you close on Jason or full full moon bearers?
Full moon bearers?
Okay? Interesting, brave?
We funnily enough on the big show there we punted the avon as well, and Mike Nague was sitting behind me, got a little bit frisky at one stage. Cass bowls another bouncer. I don't know, seems like a waste to me at the moment. The English bowling short to Smith get it up there.
I saw my idea.
I saw Mike Minogue have his way with you on a video in the kitchen the other day. Yeah, I'm still trying to unsee that.
So am I I'm still trying to unfeel that. Jerry. There's a hell of a shock. I can tell you he's rough with you.
It is rough.
He really threw you around.
That is workplace bulliant.
It was a vigorous thrust. Can I say that much?
He's been working out recently, Mike Manague, he is a powerful unit.
He is.
Cast comes around that. That's an awkward ball and Smith does well to keep it down. He is a powerful unit. And I suspected it a roid action was in that as well. Actually he felt roided up when he was pounding away there, and certainly very aggressive. Have you got any bruising or Funnily enough, I was having a shower today and I noticed a bruise on my left thigh which is weird because he wasn't anywhere near my left thigh, but I think the impact of the thrust came through
to my thighs. Cars bowls another bouncer, so obviously a plan of attack from England had a bowl short to the well, don't read your tail end, or is he? And it's Smith's playing it very comfortably.
He's twelve off twenty seven.
You've got to take photos of those bruises, Jase, they can become evidentiary.
Sad please, But actually, now that I think about because I try not to think about.
It, so you commentated about it instead.
I'll talk about it. At one says he did grip my thighs.
Does this happen in the kitchen?
Yes?
At Hodaki, Yeah, just out therely.
In fact, there's video footage on the internet. It's doing the rounds at the moment.
It's quite shocked that are our producer decided to put that in the public sort of view really, but there you go. Now Stokes holds to literally defends family and there's.
No run as rugue as a tail ender on strike.
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Stokes again. This has plaid off the hip. Nice sleep another single.
Well, I'm sorry here, Jason, you weren't able to get out and tend to your garden yesterday.
I wouldn't call it a garden.
It's not a metaphor, by the way, order whatever it is you're running down there.
An abomination at the moment is when I'm running there, it's like ados in Wonderland my backyard.
Well, I had the pleasure of being at Glane's house last night with Paul Ford and we were admiring his recently receded receded grass has lorn out the back and comparing it to Jeremies because I know he is very.
Lord Jeremy Jeremy lawn obsessed.
And Jerry on that. No, I've got a question for you. Just come in on the text machine three two three six, Hey, Jerry, I've got two long questions. One how can I find out what kind of lawn grass I have? And two? How often should.
One cass bowls to Smithy defense down a met off for a single? In fact, they'll come back for two. This is all very comfortable for New Zealand at the moment. Is I don't know what England's doing.
To be honest, how often should one de thatch or scarify? Is that a word? Spring and autumn? Question mark?
Love you babes, No good questions, both of them. You can go to what's my lawn dot com and take a photo of your lawn and that generally comes up mine. Mine is a fiscue mix, very hard wearing lawn.
Casts around the work at bowls to Smith, who defends up to cover no rum.
I find if you go with the rye grass fescue combo, maybe seventy percent fiscu thirty percent rye grass. It's hard wearing enough. Also can hold onto enough moisture in summer, so.
You know you're not going to dry out.
Although, to be honest, at the moment, I am running a terrible clover through my lawn. I don't know if you guys have ever had clover in your lawn before?
Is that forced upon you? Is it what they call south seating? Does that come in from the neighbors?
I think so. I think I may have dragged it in with my lawn mower. Cheez, it's real shame. Ashually, I find with my lawn.
Cass bowls to Smith, if your fence back to the bowl and no rum dog poos. My dogs are prolelefic shdder and I'm forever trying to get rid of the poos over the neighbor's house there. And also we have we're running a lot of cabbage trees, Jerry, and the throngs from the cabbage tree, and absolute.
Bastard for the lawnmark.
I'll wrap around there, wrap around the rotor there, bane of my life.
And know exactly what you're talking about.
Cars again round the work at.
This is nicely pushed by Smith, who I must say looks very accomplished.
Jase, do you run an open fire? Are your place?
We've got rid of our fire purely because you know every year you have to get it inspected for your insurance. And the feller came over there to sweep our chimney and he went, your fireplace is fucked and we went, ah, okay, that's no good, because I love a fire. I'm a big fan of a fire. This is shorten outside the off stump through to the keeper. No run, So we wrapped it out and got a you know, the heating
aircon heat heat pump eating it, which has been a revelation. Actually, and you know we thought our power bell would go through the roof. It's actually been cheaper. There you go and the house is toasty airs. But I do miss my fireplace.
Well, I've got a little hack for you jas that you're not going to need now that you don't use your fireplace, but for any fire users out there, which I'll share with you in a moment.
Casts again short and wide and left alone, fifty five overs gone.
You's see in one four for six.
As rogue is a tail ender.
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Use Indeed, welcome back.
You see them doing nicely at the moment thirty three runs ahead, and jeez, I got to say, anyone, it's been disappointing this morning, a brage of short pitch bowling that has had little to no effect at all on the New Zealand Batsman.
They've looked very comfortable.
Earlier on. We're just talking about fires and cabbage tree fronds.
Yes, has clipped off his pads by Mitchell out through midwork, ed or get us.
Tell you a good little hack is to gather up those fronds, fold them over, tie, maybe get ten of them together, tie them around.
Oh, you're talking about creating a fagot.
They make great faggots. Amazing kindling. Chuck that on the fire and then a little bit of paper underneath it, and she goes up like nobody's business.
Is that right? Amazing kindling.
Funnily enough, Jerry, I've got a little I don't know how I got there.
Stokes comes in now to Smith, who's on seventeen shorten wad. I've got a little pot belly up in my lawn, an old school metal cast iron pot belly.
And what I do is just as you explained.
Actually, I fold them up and I stuff them down the top there with a little firelighter and chuck that down there.
They burn like a bastard.
You're quite right, or amazing amazing things. That's the only thing they're good for.
Absolutely well.
I've tried the cabbage in a salad. It's terrible. It's nothing like cabbage.
That's a poorly named tree there, Stokes bolts us Methew defends nicely up to mid on.
No run, you're going to take a broken hand. You over to pull Stuart forward.
That's good because I want to ask I want to ask Paul Stewart forward where he stands on Ready Lawn? Actually, where you stand on Ready lawn? Jase. I don't mean where you stand on the lawn when it's there. I mean what's your moral or philosophical position on Ready Lawn? Are you a fan?
You definitely drifted and by Smith elegantly through the covers.
Jeez, he's looking good.
And you'll get at least a capital here and I'll come back for three lovely shut in England. I'm a little bit frustrated. My lawn's an abomination.
I thought that was the garden or the gardeners as well.
But I've been doing a lot of mowing, and it's gradually coming back to its full grandeur good, which is why I was disappointed with the rain yesterday because it needed another mow. I'm certainly not the sort of guy that would buy Ready Lord.
Well neither was I, but it was forced upon me by my partner. Recently, we ripped out a herb garden. This is what you do with christ jesh, that's what you do with your spare time.
Stokes comes in bowls on the hip of literally just clips it yerily down to Fine League for a.
Single we ripped out a herb garden. I just thought we'd throw some seeds on it, a dollar fifty at Bunnings or mine to ten and it would come back and let nature do its thing. And I know we had to get ready lown, so we went to effort and some expense to secure this ready lawn, which you can buy these strips. It's an amazing product, Ready lawn,
you just roll it out. But now we've got something that looks like a bad Brazilian on one side of our lawn, and it's completely different to our existing grass. And I'm sure it's going to grow in, but I'm not seeing how that's possible.
Stokes bowls to Smith, who's just looking very comfortable at the moment as he gets a single out through medwicker.
Which is why I want to know what your position has pulled forward on readylawners. Do you have to go one hundred percent ready lawn? You can't because you can't do it in patches? Is that the mistake we've made?
Yeah? Eventually will that gred will die? Suggest? Yeah?
No, I'm a purist, you know, good on you. I do like T twenty cricket from time to time, But on lawns, I'm very clear. I think when the lawns were invented, of course, in the seventeen hundred's the Palace of Versailles, Andre Lanota, who invented the lawn, he wasn't using ready lawn, absolutely, he was burning it back, getting all the wooden, turning that into faggots and then preparing the ground not for Reddy long.
Yeah, I mean it's I mean I could see why Jerry, Jerry would you know, run with them really lorn. That seems like his type of thinger.
Either it's cheating, well, it is cheating, that's the thing, you know, And it's the Tea twenty Cricket of Gardening.
It is now I understand Paul Ford.
From what Lee Baker was saying earlier in the broadcast here at Mike Lane's house last night.
I certainly was so cast.
Comes in now bowling to smith on twenty one, who defends as.
Rougue as a tail ender on strike.
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Seven New Zealand. As we joined by that Sandy's and unplayable that more, it was a doozy kip load knit back and I was just saying to pull forward.
There shows what happens when you pitch it up a little bit and you let the pitch do the work. And Rold Smithy was looking so good too. Nothing he could really do with that.
Yeah, not very convincing when you look back at the umpire.
Going oh yeah it was close.
Well, I think it was just because of the height more than anything else. So did you say a red wine margarita mets there?
No, no, no, no rounds, separate chapters.
It's nothing quite like a red wine hangover either. Yeah, it is dirty.
We did go down to the We went down for a swim at a him, just to sort of what cleans ourselves?
Has he got a poll? No, we went to the sea now a nick beach. I think it is right.
That's a good way to sort of clear the head a little bit or make you throw up, either.
Of the two. I felt, interestingly. I loved that cast now bowling to the new man Henry, who collapsed him through point. But it would just get a single.
You said, I'll lead by forty now a bit of a tragedy because they were going along very solidly.
And then then you said Nathan Smith was looking really really good.
As rougue as a tail ender on stripe.
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I'm very partial to cheese myself. I'll have to make myself crackers with cheese and cherry tomatoes and a few peckles.
On hot I like cheese and grapes.
Just as a good time snap, good time.
Interesting cars comes in, looks out fall to the the tried to whip it down lynside. It looked out for all money, I've got to say. And even Henry's shaking his head, going I'm running in a bottle of that one. It was sort of york a lens and yeah and Cas gets five for.
But yeah, he was all over the top of that one, Henry, let's have a look at it again. It was very full and oh yeah.
Jeez, Louise, that's plant and he knew it, annihilating that gap between middle of the league stump I would say.
So, what what cheesey head this morning to I'll tell you what we do. It's we'll take a quick break and be back shortly.
Coverage that you'll never leave even when it's outside the line. This is the alternative commentary collective. Oh thanks to the great New Zealanders and Max ra.
I feel us, Yes.
Met, you're hopelessly confused, just like you Jason. At the other end, well, I mean it was clearly off the bed, onto the ground.
And off his pehit clearly obviously, and then claiming that Eckinson was interested in that being a catch.
It's just mouthing off at the umpire there and this has taded off and.
These ninety four six to go.
I I really think the English are just being stupid.
Quite a sweary appeal as well.
It was that was a nice he directed ball but kept out from Salvey.
That's the Trent Bolt kind of a shot, isn't it that? I think he's been having some bedding classes up at Mount MONGANOI.
I'll tell you what, Tim Salvey looks passed off to me. So I'm expecting some fireworks there.
You got in the air again, sex more ninety five sixes.
Cheezy plays a pool shot well, drerim it.
She just so much time and that shot there he just stood up, stands to attention and then just rolls the wrists on it.
Perfect execution.
It's a niggla single to decline when you're on forty nine too, isn't it.
There?
I mean, what and what other sport do you have? The useless?
This one's swinging away a slow ball from workes and has guided down guy. And that's fifty four Daryl Mitchell. Fifty of one hundred and thirty two balls in New Zealand are two fourteen for nine, a lead of.
Sixty three, as rugue as a tail ender on strike.
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Yes, indeed, welcome back. And this is that this cheries. I've had a fatal mistake. It's going to be one of those games.
Isn't It just frustrates the shit out of you. Maybe it's just me a little bit mad. I've recently given up the darries again.
And beckers and bowls to Mitchell, who just guides it down to third man for a single, which is all well and good. Oh he doesn't she doesn't run. And I'm a little bit towey at the moment because I'm only eight days in. I made a terrible mistake and forgot my nicorette gum today. Christ so I don't even have my necorette gum. And this is gonna be one of those you just have a vibe at the moment.
It's gonna go a bit longer than you'd like it. Yeah, maybe probably an hour and a half longer than i'd like, hopefully six hours longer. But New Zealand fighting away here sixty nine is the lead.
Nice Could you go out onto the street and buy something to sort of as a replacement for that, like a bagel?
You mean, like a packet of cigarettes? Would you chase?
Would you consider foraging around in a rubbish bind and getting a stub, comfortying yourself with the knowledge that I'm not smoking a full dorry. I'm just getting a slight hat. So I haven't broken the rules.
That can send bowls to MATCHELLU smashes him through Point fer.
Four Lovely Shop.
No, purely because they'll probably be quite wet and moist.
I think we judge too harshly people that go through rubbish bins and oh absolutely grab bits and pieces, whether it be food or tobacco that has the second life. I think they're great scavengers, great recyclists.
One of my favorite things.
And one of my comedy heroes, Barry Humphries used to do, was fine rubbish bins that were next to bus stops or something like that and plant stuff in the rubbish
bin as Atkinson bowls too. Matchell who has a swipe and makes no contact, and then he dress himself up as a tramp and he'd wander over to wander over to the rubbish bin and start rummaging through it, and all the people would be watching, going, oh, it's terrible, and then he'd pull out like a bottle of champagne and a full roast chicken, you know what I mean, and then just start eating the chicken and drinking from the bottle of champagne. Another thing he used to do,
which I used to love. He used to go unto shops, this is back in his student days, awfull and just clap down to belong on for a single and he'd buy like a bar of soap, and he'd go up to the counter and he'd pay for the bar of soap, and then he'd leave without taking the bar of soap, and the shopkeeper would be like, oh, you forgot your soap, and he's like, I don't want the soap. I just wanted to buy it, and then he'd just walk out again.
And he used to do this to this particular dairy or a shop owner for ages until he went out of business. Baby lost his mind over this because all its mates used to do it as well, go into the shop and buy stuff but then just leave without taking it.
Just to fuck with people. And this is what this game is doing with me right now. It's it's fucking with you. No, it's good.
I mean, well, you know we're showing a bit of fight. And seventy five is.
The lead as rogue as a tail ender on strike. This is the alternative commentary can let you. Oh, thanks to the great New Zealanders at Resin.
So it's going to be cast again looking for a sixth wicket. It's finally Di.
Mitchell, who's on eighty four mental drives down the ground, doesn't time it perfectly and strike down the throat of Chris Woks mid off and that is the end of the New Zealand innings. And that's the end of Daryl Mitchell's innings. He's gone for eighty.
This rugue is a tail ender on strike.
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Welcome back to their commentary position Lee Baker and Paul Stewart forward.
Here we are the final denu one. How long would this take? That's the big question. We're assuming it's an inevitable I mean the odds are not great on New Zealand defending one hundred and what is it one hundred and four? So England need one hundred and five to win. Paul Stuart Forward, you have wildly optimistic estimation favoring England. Do you think they're going to wipe this off?
In what fifteen overs thirteen? I reckon and I think Zat Crawley won't We'll get none of them. It's going to be all mother duck. It just I've done a quick calculation before we get going, and I reckon there's sixty three overs left today in ninety tomorrow, so New Zealand need to keep England under point sixty seven runs per over.
You can for five about five sessions.
Run a bit of a sweet steak here in the SEC studio, in the Export Beer Garden studios. First ball is Sali're going to be buying to Crawley, and it swings away and really lets it go through the people. Thirteen overs, paul Ford. This is how many overs we think it's going to take them. Joe Jerry's gone with eighteen overs, Wheendy Jay's gone with twenty. I've gone with twenty six, and Lee Baker has come in with twenty four. Back how many overs? Twenty? Okay, Soudy again bowling to Crawley.
This ball shapes away from Crawley as I'm pushing forward to cover.
I do think it's going to the I'm guessing around a seven wicket the tree for England. I'm saying three go down in the session I think it's all going to happen.
Now Dillie's got nineteen.
Well, it's still it's great banning conditions. It's a new ball, but it's a bit of a road now.
And your son, you see how there were two slips swings away from Crawley drives through point.
But there's a man that's deep backward point. It's ration revender and I'll just keep it a one as.
Rugue as a tail ender on stripe. This is the alternative commentary. Con let you oh, thanks to the great New Zealanders at resin.
England. One for none.
This is the second over Henry's corball by Henry.
What a catch that was.
He miss timed to drive, it was full and Henry with a reflex.
Catch to his right. He got two hands to it.
Not easy those That is the end of Crawley for one.
Does he ever scored a run against us?
He is uselessly.
Terrible shark.
Oh test betting average of thirty one was that's actually I'm gonna that's an officially a one handed catch.
He had to work. He was falling away to the left Matt Henry and his follow through had to twist like a ballerina get the right met out where with both hands, as Paul Forward says, took it with the right hand the end of the fingers never easy.
As Rugue as a tail ender on strike.
This is the alternative commentary conlet you oh, thanks to.
The great New Zealanders at Resine.
Welcome back and England not mucking around.
This is ramped down to duck It on his way and I wrote his first delivery in the second innings.
He gets to work it.
Duckett gave himself through him outside the legs thumping, just ramped it straight to the man at third man.
A couple of.
Bombs here on the audio.
Holy moly. As Rugue as a tail ender on strike.
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Smith to Bethel, a very quick bouncer from.
He's the best case scenario from a New Zealand perspective said he maybe gets a broken hand.
Or something like that.
Sure, so Paul Ford rather outrageously predicted that England would chase these runs down in thirteen overs.
Twelve point two and three to win.
Smith comes steaming again, bowls to Bethels who slashes him down to third man.
You'll get a caple there and so to win one more second cooler. Is that a bouncer? Yeah, it was pretty high.
The Prodigy looks like he's going to be leaving with the Bond girl this afternoon, doesn't he There he pleases himself the dasher.
Smith three point three overs none for thirty seven.
He comes now.
Bowls to Bethel, who smashes him out to the man. It's deep squealing. England win the Test match. Bethel finishes with a debut fifty not out and a comprehensive victory for England.
By eight wickets.
They didn't muck around hundred and four to when they came down, smash the living shit out of it. Quite extraordinary stuff and well played England. Paul Ford.
Yeah, I mean it was tough going yesterday. Really it was moving day. England moved in and New Zealand moved out and ruthless today from a betting point of view, a little bit lethargic in the field.
England is just ll us put on ninety nine runs.
But you did get the feeling that they'd probably chase down whatever they were going to chase down. They're going to chase down at eight runs and over, and we probably needed to put three hundred plus on the board to really put them there any pressure. One hundred and fifty runs short. You can look back at those drop catchers, all eight of them, and you've probably had a pretty decent reason. And frankly, it's actually really hard to think about anything else that had such a big impact on
the game. Harry Brooke, amazing innings, asterisk, lots of catches, some good bowling from cars. But really, I think everyone's going to be talking about these drop catches when they reflect on.
This match, as they should, because it would have been a completely different complexion on the game had those catches been taken. But they weren't, you know, And if they were chasing to eighty three hundred, mind you this English side, I think we'd just go.
For it regardless.
But it is easier when you're chasing a hundi because even if you lose three or four and you're being aggressive, you know you're going to get there probably in the end anyway, just keep the foot to the pedal. But if you're chasing to eighty three hundred, there put more pressure on.
Yeah, and you go Oh, it's just steading it down.
But well played England, well deserved New Zealand in many respects the architects of their own demise some very average fielding and they'll be reflecting on that.
At least they know what's to improve on.
And I think Paul Ford is right when he says that is probably the defining feature of the Test match.
So we look ahead to the basin unless we're stupid enough to be at our own wedding Bason starts on Friday next week, and just talking to Jeremy Wells were nursing our hangovers together, and it's interesting to reflect on what New Zealand could do. The guys in the shed that they've got. They've got Mitchell Center who comes in to the second Test squad. They've got Jacob Duffy who's been running the drinks, and of course they've got well young.
But I just I just can't see us doing anything too funky there.
I wish we had a couple more work at cakes, just in our arsenal.
Yeah, be interesting to see what evolves.
Yeah, we'll blundle. I've got to say he's under pressure, I mean drop catchers not getting any runs at the moment, a few New Zealand batsmen under pressure. Actually Conway didn't have a great Test match. AH, Lots for people to ponder, but we appreciate the fact that you joined us here on this acc commentary and we will be back with a basin Test match and until then, from all the team have a pleasant Sunday afternoon.
As lugue as a tail ender on strike.
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