[134] How To Find a Man

Hi. I'm Emily Ladau. And I'm Kyle Kachidorian. And you're listening to another episode of the Accessible Stall. We're gonna talk about how we found our partners. Right, Emily? Okay. So what are we gonna talk about today, Emily? Well, first of all, wait. Okay. Before we get to relationships and such, let's talk about, Super Bowl recap real quick. Go Hawks. I do not care about football. I only care about the Seahawks. I'm so

happy that they won. It was the most boring game of football I've ever watched in my life. They eked out those points, but it was it was fun to watch the Patriots lose. I enjoyed the halftime show. I watched it for the halftime show. That was all I cared about. I don't understand sports ball. I don't know how Bad Bunny managed to transform that stadium into the sugarcane fields of Puerto Rico. That was, I think, the most impressive part of what

he what he did. I also really thought the symbolism of him literally crashing into the into the living room of white America was so on the nose. Like, it was, yeah, it was great. I really think about it was on the nose. The audio on on the feed we were watching was so bad, but they fixed it on the YouTube version. So I Again We were watching on, like, a television channel, you know, like the old school people do. We were we were streaming it, but it was I mean, it's fine.

It's fine. It was just, like, notably bad, but I love Bad Bunny. DCMF was a great album, and he deserves every bit of praise he gets. I also think we would be remiss if we didn't mention the fact that that couple got married for real. Real marriage at the Super Bowl halftime show. What then do you know the story? I think I read that, like, they invited him to their wedding, and he was like, nah. How much do you get in it? Yeah. Which is, like, come on, man. You that's, like, aura

that shouldn't exist. That's, like, powerful. Honestly, so cool. My absolute favorite part just because I felt like, how can you argue with that happiness? Like, what a miserable person you must be. Did you see the sports hoping that it make you happy. Did you see the sports center Instagram story? So No. Bad Bunny at the end of the Super Bowl. He had a large, digital sign that said, the only thing greater than hate is love, or the only thing

more powerful than hate is love. But the sports SportsCenter official account wrote, the only thing more powerful than love is hate. Like, it was just an unfortunate typo. Like, the guy the person who was doing it just clearly it was not on purpose. It was just, like, a mistake, but people caught it. It was an I'm just saying, if you ever think you have a bad day at work, you didn't. You know, that's as long as it's a typo, it's fine. But I also feel like that is what You couldn't, maybe.

MAGA would say. So Yeah. But anyway, the reason that the wedding, I think, resonates for me in particular is just because, I guess, we've got love on the brain because that's what we're talking about today. So I love baby. Let's go. Okay. So why did we say we were returning this

episode? I know there was a reason. Oh, because in the last ten minutes of her last one, we started to talk about, like, how people came up to you or how people were asking you now that you've gotten married, how you found your husband. And how you just had never really like, that was a type of information you didn't know that you could give to people.

Well, I'm thinking of one instance in particular where this guy that I met who works for a major corporation, really lovely human being, pulled me aside at some kind of, like, happy hour event and was like, can you give me advice on how I can find someone? I've been looking and I just can't find anyone.

And I think in that moment, I was like, you're like a good looking guy with a nice job, and you're, you know, seemingly kind, and you're coming to me at a work happy hour to ask me how to find the love of your life because I happen to be an engaged lady. And I'm just like, I I actually am not sure I have tips for you, but, you know I have one. Maybe not do maybe don't do that. For starters, maybe maybe you don't do that at functions. A good way to be very off putting to anyone you come

across. That's the vibe you bring to the function. Yes. Not me. But that is No. Not you. Not you. No. But I think I think I think people can sense I don't wanna say desperation, but, like, you know when someone is, like, single and you can you can just tell that they just wanna meet a human being? And there's nothing wrong with that. But, like, they give off a vibe. And I think that vibe is off putting in their own context.

I think that we have to talk about this specifically in the context of disability because I think there's a layer of it where because disability makes it more challenging to meet someone. I understand where that sense of desperation comes from. I feel like I have felt it at certain points in my life, but you're absolutely right that when you start to give off that vibe, that's when I think you run into problems because you seem like you just wanna date anyone with a pulse.

And, like, I completely understand the desire for companionship, but when you give off the vibe that you're just looking for anyone and you're not looking for someone do you know what I mean? Mhmm. Yes, I do. There's a real chance that that's going to backfire. And, like, I say this from personal experience quite honestly because I would go to a lot of events and conferences and things for work and, you know, especially in the moments when I was single, like, I'd be looking around and I'd just

be like, oh, he's cute. He's cute. Whatever. Like, I'll talk to him. Like, I could have a crush on him. Sure. You know? But that is not the same as, like, forging human connection. No. But I think there is to that point. That is kinda how it starts if you're meeting a stranger.

But you're not on a level playing field at a work event in the same way that you might be on a dating app where, like, you know that you're both potentially looking for someone, and you know that you're both at least surface level compatible. So, yeah. I don't know. It it's a weird spot to be in when you're I don't know. When you see a cute stranger and you're like, oh, I wanna talk to them. It's not something that I've really ever done

without some kind of no. No. Without some kind of, like, either reason or someone I know knew them or something like that. So I don't yeah. I have done that, but it's been a while. Unkind of I'm a married lady. But if I think back to my first serious relationship, who, as it happens, I met him the same day I met you. Oh, it's so good. So good. But let me tell you, that was my day of being brave and talking to a cute boy. And, then I dated him for two years. Yeah.

But even in that case, you knew people who knew him. He wasn't he was a stranger to you, but he wasn't like a cold call kind of thing. Totally. No. That's true. That's true. Also, there was less of, like, sliding into your DMs because this was, like, well over a decade ago. So that was Dude, it's it's weird how, like, what it means to not I guess, not being a relationship, but, like, what, how broadly the word relationship has come to mean

what it means. Like, it it is umbrellaed into, like, this enormous term that can mean so many types of things that, like some of which I would never call a relationship. Yeah. Totally. Like, if you unironically use situationship, you're not ready to date, seriously. It's funny because that's the word that popped into my head.

But in terms of, like, actual concrete tips, I mean, I think that for me, especially in the context of dating apps, my biggest tip is to be straightforward and to not hide aspects of yourself and then drop them on people like a bomb, because that was my original approach where I would be like, oh, and by the way, now that we've been talking and seem like we're hitting it off, I should tell you that I'm a wheelchair user. And then they'd be like, what? So you stole my

next question, but go ahead. Go ahead. That's a you problem, not a me problem. Like, you're reacting like that. But, also, I kind of get it because it's like, if I felt this need to hide something about myself, I'm not starting off the right way anyway. I don't know about that. I don't know about that. To me, it would be like, you know the world's enablers place, and you're, like, presenting yourself in a in a way that,

like, yes, is not authentic. Yes. It's a little white lie, but you are you're doing it in the context of a world that doesn't like people like us. I don't think that counts. But I have a question for you. Okay. Everything you just said, did you disclose? Because I can see a world where you didn't, like, spell it out, but you have pictures of yourself that have you in a wheelchair because that's just how you navigate the world, and you didn't, like, say it.

I could also see a world where you did spell it out and also have pictures of your in your wheelchair. Because I think you in pictures is a disclosure, but I don't know if men on dating apps would would find that to be true. You'd be surprised how much men miss on dating apps. But Well, they don't really I mean so at first, I, like, left it out entirely and cropped it out of my photos. No mention on my profile. Interesting. Something like that. Yeah. No. There's like a progression for sure.

Then finally, I started to, like, hint at it in my profile. I think that OkCupid used to have something that was like, oh, what six things can't you live without? And so I was like, the invention of the wheel. You know? And then, finally, I started putting it in pictures. And then I, like, wrote a whole thing out about it in my profile where I was trying to, like, convince people that they should get to know me for me and not let my disability be something that stopped them.

And then How do you feel about that now? What? How do you feel about that statement now? That was, like, me doing the most. That was so extra. Like Okay. At this point. But also, it was a product of the time too because on OkCupid, the point was to be verbose. Like, God, I know it's so different now. Have more. Then I started using Hinge and on Hinge, it's like use less, like say less, don't say very much. You know, in your profile. Like, it's very straightforward what the questions were.

And so I think at that point, it was like, on my profile in the sense of, like, you can see it in the picture, and I say that I live life on wheels. I just feel like it's a literacy test, which I think which I disagree with as, like, a policy position, but I do agree with as a dating app position. Wait. It's different for you than for me because no picture Yeah. Disclose that you have a disability. So what did you do? Oh, that's a great question. I didn't. I I didn't disclose.

I didn't disclose at all. It's funny though. I Katie, she I told her immediately, and and it was partially because I I there was something about her that I was like, oh, this is a cool person. But the more true at the time answer is that I had a bad pain day on the day that was supposed to be our first date. So I was like, hey. Look. I know this is I know how this is gonna sound, but I need to reschedule for the exact same time tomorrow. Please don't look in don't think too hard

about this. I promise I'm still gonna be there. And she was like, yep. Cool. See you then. And that I obviously didn't know it at the time, but that was like, oh, okay. Like, I didn't need to really disclose anything, but bad pain day is pretty you don't need to know what I got to know that I got something. And the fact that she was just like, whatever, was, like, really nice. That is such a green flag. I know. So sick.

Yeah. See, that's so interesting to me because my disclosure came out in, like, bits and pieces sometimes. Like, I'd have to actively, if I was planning a date with someone, be like, and by the way, it needs to be wheelchair accessible. You know? Like Is that a bit and piece to you if someone says Because I feel like people really do not think about this. They, like, see the wheelchair and, like, don't make the connection. Alright. Okay.

Seriously. I believe you. I believe you. It's just that's wild is all. Yeah. So but for you, I feel like that was yeah. Maybe a disclosure of something, but you weren't like and I have CP and, like so so you didn't did you ever tell your dates beforehand, like, you will notice when I walk? No. Yeah. No. Because, like, my litmus test is if you can't figure it out on the date, then you're kinda dumb. Because, like, I

I look disabled, like, when I walk. I'm like, if you can't if you if you don't have if you don't have it in you to ask me, then I'm like, you gotta believe in yourself. You gotta you gotta know it's okay to Did Katie ask you? Like, how No. No. But but because she was so cool about it, I was like, I can tell her. Like, because she was cool about the pain day thing, I knew I had a I I knew I had at least one thing to talk about. She's gonna wanna know what that meant, so I, like, brought it up

during our first date. I did that. But for other matches, I didn't say anything, and it came up. Like, they would see you walk and they go, why do you walk like that? So one of them even said, why do you or do you have cerebral palsy? Which I was like, I'm a lot more interested in how you saw that and why you called it by its government name. Who do you know that I know? And it turned out, there was someone that we both knew. It was really weird. We all do know each other. Of course.

Yeah. It was I didn't like that. But but, but, yeah, it was I didn't need to disclose too much. There was one person who, you know, we we just were instantly kinda like friends. You you know, you meet someone, it was flirty, and then we met, and we're just, like, hitting it off as friends. It was fine. But she was also very cool about it. She was like, oh, do you do you need help? You look like you need help. And I was like, you know what? I do. I do need help. Thank you so much for helping me.

Yeah. I feel like it's it's true that it is a litmus test to see, like, how chill somebody is, but, I can't imagine for me showing Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. With a big honking piece of mobility equipment attached to my butt that I had never said anything about and being like, hello. Notice I think Oh, this I just got it yesterday. Yeah. Uh-oh. This thing? Yeah. Turns out I'm in this for a while. It's a lot of getting used to for both of us.

So I mean, my but my tip here, like, if we're going for actual tips is do what feels right for you in terms of disclosure. But quite frankly, like, if you are hiding something and not willing to be honest at a certain point, then I do think it's going to make it more challenging in the long run. I agree, but, like, it depends on what it is. And and I'm not I'm not saying don't be honest, obviously, but, like, I just it's an ableist world, man. I can totally see

why somebody wouldn't do that. Of course. Of course. Like, protect your peace first. But you're still right. Yeah. I don't know. There is no right answer here because also my right answer, like, changed dramatically. Yeah. I went from, like, hide every instance of it to, like, if you don't see this tank that I'm sitting in, then, you know Well, then you have a disability too, my brother. That's, that is, we're we're both gonna learn something about ourselves today.

But yeah. I mean, what other, like, practical advice is there for finding someone? Because people really do come to me and ask to be honest. I have one. Yeah? You you gotta be funny. You gotta be funny? You have to be funny. You have to be funny. It's it's disarming. People are intimidated by disability. They're a little bit threatened or not threatened, but, like, they're scared of it. You have to I know you shouldn't I know you shouldn't. Everyone knows you shouldn't have to. This is the

world we live in. You gotta be funny. You gotta make them feel comfortable around you even though you should not have to do that. But, also, I'm gonna say something. On a date, you you should. You should. Just forget, like, what you should and should not have to do as a salesperson in society. If you're dating somebody or trying to date somebody, you should try to make them feel comfortable with you fast. It'll go better if you do. I mean, that's a meet people

halfway kinda thing. Like, you know, I can, for sure, do what I do to disarm you, but if you're not responding what a choice of words. Yeah. Well If you're not responding to my efforts at humor or if, like, you don't vibe with the jokes, then I don't know what to tell you because I tried. You're not for me. I'm a goofball. Right. Like, I am the first person who will make jokes about my disability. So if you're not Oh. Up with that, then, like, Anken, I would

have a question for you. Okay. So you've been with Brandon for how long ish? Three years. Great. When was the first time he made a disability joke at your expense first before you did? Because that's, like, that's a big, like, let's see how far I could push this. I mean, I wish I could, like, pinpoint exactly what it was. No. Yeah. Yeah. Obviously. Now it is every day. Yeah. Of course. Unfortunately. And just in case anybody thinks that, like, that's a problem, I do not think into

the problem. I think it is so funny. I think it's a mark of trust if you can do that. You know, I think early on in the relationship, he figured out that my excuse for when I don't wanna do something is I'm disabled and that will get him to do something or another person in my vicinity to do the thing for me. And so I think that was one of the earliest jokes that he made and it was definitely before the year mark where Did he say you're disabled? Or No. I think he was mocking me.

He was like, oh, wait. I'm so disabled. I can't do it. Oh, that's I am. Yeah. And I mean, now, like, the jokes fly. And also, I love that for me because humor is how I cope with pretty much everything that my body does. So, yeah, I think that's actually a really, really good tip. I don't think that it's your job to, like, force someone to feel comfortable with you, but I think that No forcing anything. But, like, you gotta let them in. You gotta, you know Yeah.

If you're not comfortable with yourself and if you can't laugh at yourself That's it. Then I think trying to be in a relationship is going to be more challenging. Because I also think people look to relationships as, like, a form of, like, you're not a whole person until you're in a relationship. God. That's that's such a wrong thing, man. Like And also, like Gotta be a old person first.

I know disabled people specifically, and I I know this is true for everybody, but I think I it wouldn't surprise me if this was somehow more common with us where, like, people are afraid to be vulnerable. And so they're like, well, I don't really know what I want, but I like the idea of having someone. And it's like, you gotta be okay with being vulnerable. And I know that's hard for us. That's

why I'm making this point. It's really, really extra hard for us because of all the other things we've said in the hundreds of episodes we've done. But you gotta do it, man. You gotta do it. It's the only way. Yeah. I think if you're not being honest with yourself, you're not gonna be able to be honest with another person. Yeah. Exactly. Also, I think another thing that comes to mind is like, I this is more like how to keep someone than how to find someone.

But, like, in terms of the keeping someone, like, let that person in. I think and this goes along with what you were saying about being vulnerable, but, you know, pretty quickly, I think Brandon came to understand things about my needs and how my body and how my mind functions.

And if something wasn't working for me, I told him as opposed to, like, letting it slide and trying to, like, push through it because you don't want someone in the early days to develop expectations of you that you cannot sustain because that's God, I know. How you usually show up in the world. I know. That's that's that you know what? That's a lesson you learn. A hard one for sure. Mhmm. Man, I don't know. How else do you keep a person?

I don't know how to do this. I mean, I'm doing it, but I don't know how I'm doing it. I don't know. Was it I I can't even remember anything that was in my Bumble profile. Like, truly. I can't. Yeah. I mean, enough of how I think I said professional yapper, which I will say did get the kind of attention I wanted, and it is also true. Like, that's not just me saying I talk a lot. Like, I'm a professional. Like, I'm you know, we're doing it right now. Like

Professional yapper. Yeah. I think I do remember you telling me that. Do you remember the first things that you and Katie said to each other? Yeah. I mean, I have a screenshot of what I said. I I don't. But after hello, it was, I can tell that you're holding a cake, but I can't tell what it was because it was just like a gray blob. And then she said, it's an astronaut it's a it's an asteroid cake or an asteroid pie. And I I sat up in my bed at, like, what must have

been 11:30 or, like yeah. I now know. I I used to say it was 01:30AM. I now know that she would be very asleep at that hour. And I sent a voice note, which is not something I would which is not something I do immediately, but I was like, hey. Hey. I I think I found out some information about you just now. And I was right. And we just started talking from there. It was it was cool. Oh, okay. Here's my best actual life hack.

Get Kyle to record your first voice note because the man has a voice for radio. I I really, like, didn't use it as, like, a move. It was just like Oh, no. Of course. I know. I think I figured it out. And I was like, I'm I'm excited that I think I found out something this early. And and which is by the way, like, looking back on that, very weird. Like, in retrospect, I shouldn't have been that excited. But she entertained it. And, crucially, I was right. So that that that was a nice icebreaker.

The fact that, like, it was not there was nothing it was not a secret. It was just, like, not something you'd immediately put on your profile. And Well, also, this kind of points to another thing that I think about a lot which is, like, put some effort in. Well, that's the thing, man. The The intention. Plenty of people who I know who are trying to find a partner are like, it's so hard. Like, yeah, actually, it is. It is challenging.

Like, I worked really hard at figuring out how to communicate with people on the dating apps. And I got fed up with it after a while, but I tried to write, like, thoughtful messages and engage thoughtfully. It'll work? Yes. Because I actually read people's profiles and I saw that, you know, Brandon said that he loves books, movies, and policy. And it was right around Christmas time, and so he was having himself a little Jewish Christmas.

And everyone should know that Kyle is showing me his girlfriend's cat right now. He would want you to see him. This has absolutely nothing to do with the show, but just to marry a black cat. He's running around. I got distracted because I liked the cat. Oh, so, like, I sent a thoughtful message to Brandon being like, hey. You know, assuming I can ask how your, you know, Jewish Christmas was, did you, you know, see a movie and eat Chinese food? And, like, that hit the

nail on the head for him. And granted, like, that was very specific. But don't just say hello and expect that it's always gonna work out. I think I did just say hello, but I definitely immediately was like, what is that thing that you like, I can tell you put effort into it. What is it? I mean, hello is fine, but it should be like, hello and then maybe put a little effort into it. The first match I ever had on any app was Bumble, and I matched with somebody

whose favorite hobby was sleeping. And I thought, oh, what a quirky person to to say that. And then, like, the only thing she talked to me about was sleeping. And I was like, this is not real. This is like, I'm being punked. This is someone I know. And I was like, oh, this is gonna be how it is. And for the most part, it was. I also love sleeping. But Yeah. I know. But it can't be your only hobby. It's not the most interesting thing about me. It is, I found, incredibly difficult for me to,

like, write about myself, period. Do it in a way that is, like, kind of braggy, but also charming, but also not boring, but also, like, not off putting, but also attractive in in in in with these, like, pithy one liner things and, like, it it's so weird. It's so weird. Yeah. I I don't I'm the people who have to do it, but I also really don't want people listening to take a defeatist attitude towards it either because I mean, both of us had to work at it. Yeah.

It was worth it though. Yeah. Of course. And I'm not just saying that because she's gonna listen to this. I like, it it really, like I and it was funny because, like, I'd done it so little that I was, like, not entirely burnt out on the concept of a dating app yet. Although, I was very rapidly approaching. But it was still kind of fun a little bit to to do that. So yeah. Yeah. That's the other thing. Don't take it so seriously. Oh, god. You can't.

You can take your pursuit like, if you really wanna find a person, that's what you take seriously in the same way that you can take finding a job seriously, although it's not the same thing. Like, the concept is something you can take seriously, but, like, you yourself on the apps is just, like, you're not just relax. Just chill out. And also, if somebody is being awful to you or if somebody is not giving you anything to work with, don't keep wasting your time on that person.

God, I know. I it's so dude. Yeah. Yeah. But also, I really feel like there are gonna be people who are listening to this and they're gonna be like, yeah. Well, you both have your people, so stop talking to me. No. I'm not gonna sound talking to you. I'm we're proof that it works. You open your listening ears. Also though, like, proof that it's not that simple either. Like I don't, I think when people come to me and they're like, okay, how do you find someone? You know, I tried really hard.

And I and I and I then I did it. One thing one mystery that I never figured out was that, I matched with a lot of poly women, and I don't I don't know what it is. One of them told me I had a poly face. I'll I'll never forget that. I What? I don't know. I think about that maybe once a week. Nope. You are. Like, it's a curse. Sure. I'm monogamous. But No. I am. But, like, that's the thing. I'm like, I what did you look at how can I change my appearance so that I don't

Oh my god? Okay. So my dear sweet husband is a therapist as I've probably mentioned on this show. And, he is someone he works with, queer people, and he's very, like, polyamory affirming. So, like, if you find his profile for, like, his therapy work, online, which I did because I Googled him pretty early on. And it says that one of his, like, specialties in therapy is working with polyamorous couples. Or will it get polyamorous people in relationships because you wouldn't just be a couple.

So working with polyamorous people. And I was like, no. Not because I think anything wrong like, anything wrong with that. No. It's just that for you. Yeah. And I was, like, automatically assuming that because he was affirming also meant that he was poly. So I just nipped that in the bud real quick, and I was like, are you poly? And he was like, no. Is that the first question you sat down at the table? No. But I I asked him pretty soon after because I was like, I cannot do that.

I think the way that her mom found out that I was disabled was that she Googled. No. No. No. I'm gonna get the story. She's gonna hear this, and she would be like, that's not what it was. I think how she her mom found her podcast because she Googled my name and cerebral palsy. No. No. She Googled Kyle and then cerebral palsy. That's it. And then she found this show, and that was a that was so that just the fact that you could do that was so weird. I mean, that would be like if I

googled Emily wheelchair and found our podcast. And you know what? I've never done that. Maybe you can. Hold on. I'm googling Emily wheelchair. Nope. Not me. Thank god. Not yet. Emily Emily wheelchair, but it does bring up an Emily that I know. Well, some of us can't be so lucky. Yeah. Not me oh, I'm I'm a little I'm a little You're down there? Yeah. I'm on the first page of Google results. That's, that's unsettling.

Wait. I wanna Google Kyle's cerebral palsy. What's what's a piece of advice you'd give to a disabled person on the apps? Throw your phone into the ocean? Yeah. No. That's a good one. Okay. Was Google AI a thing back when Yeah. Maybe. My mom Googled this? Because the first person who comes up is Kyle Pease, an inspirational athlete born with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy. Thank god. I'm so that's thrilling.

He It's not me. He's in Ironman triathlon and endurance races along with his brother, Brent. Quit bragging. Okay. Oh, of the amazing story of Kyle Miller overcoming cerebral palsy. Great. You love to see it. How do you do that? It I would really love to know how you overcome cerebral palsy. Yeah. My advice for people on apps would be, be funny. I know I said that already, but it's very important. Would you call that your final takeaway? Yeah. I would.

I really would. And I would say that my other final takeaway is, if you keep getting rejected on dating apps and you have date money burning a hole in your pocket, subscribe to us on Patreon. Just $1 a month of interest in all current future episodes of the accessible still remain acceptable. Right. But you know what? You won't get you won't keep getting rejected because you're worthy, and you know you're worth king queen and, royalty for R and B pals.

I thought you were gonna say, if you have money to burn, maybe invest it in, like, a subscription to a dating app or, like, I did subscribe to Bumble, and I didn't want to. I had this irrational fear that I would swipe the incorrect direction on someone who I thought was very pretty or funny. And you know what? I did that a couple times. So I'm I I gotta be honest. I'm glad I'm glad I, did that, but I did not do that with with Katie. So it was all for nothing in the end.

Oh, see, I paid for my, subscription to Hinge, and Brandon paid for his subscription to Hinge. And I think that they, like, show you the better people when you pay, which is infuriating. So yeah. Well, they do. They showed me her. So The buy you a subscription? But she did not pay for me. I paid for her. Wow. You were a bargain. I know. Did we say one useful thing? Yeah. I don't know what it is, but we definitely had a useful thing in there somewhere.

I'm only asking because, like, I'm thinking of me listening to this when I'm looking for someone being like, help me. Okay. But it dude, honestly, if that if that's you and you really thought we were gonna provide you a five step plan, that's kind of the problem. Like, it's it's honestly not easy. It's not easy. You have to work on yourself, and what what that looks like is

different per person. If that's, you know, making sure that you look nice or making sure that your PCA leaves you alone during a date or, you know, making sure that you if you're not good with social cues, you learn a couple that are commonly associated with dates or, you know, practicing your type five that you tell it your date on your, don't do that, you know, in the mirror and and, you know, learning how to do stuff like that. Like, it's all very individual, and having a

disability makes it harder. So you need to unfortunately, you do need to, like, practice and be the best you can be, and it's not fair. And I don't like it, and Emily doesn't like it, but that is the way it is. Yeah. I'm glad you said we don't like it because I was thinking about the thing with, like, the social cues, and that's so frustrating. It is, man. It's not it's look. It's not I hate it, but it is the world we live in.

And if they've ever listened to anything we've ever said, they know that we know we wouldn't like that. Yeah. I wanna be, like, f conforming, but I don't know, man. Yeah. But but not for dating. You can't I mean, yes for dating, but, like I just feel like sometimes it's unavoidable. Yes. Because we live in this is gonna be this is making me sound like a conservative. I'm not a conservative, but, like, but you, like, it's yeah. Sometimes you just gotta be a person.

Don't change who you are, though. Yes. Exactly. Need to be inauthentic. I think there's a difference there. Like, understanding how to navigate the dating world, I think, is different than, like, pretending to be someone you're not. Don't pretend to be someone you're not. Yeah. In fact, sometimes I pretend to be Emile Laddow, and it just doesn't work out. Sometimes I try to be Kyle, but then when I stand up, I fall down because I can't walk. See what I said? You have to be

funny. That's what I was talking about. Do that. And on, that note, my final takeaway is if this left you feeling hopeless, I'm so sorry, because that's not how you should feel at all. This is done this whole episode of my Obama impression. Fired up. Ready to go. Ready to go. Look, I know how obnoxious this is going to sound, but I have been the hopeless person so many times, and I understand it deeply.

And I really want people listening to understand that no matter how much you want a relationship, that is not a symbol of your worthiness as a human being. And if you focus on your own self worth first, that's more important than finding someone to validate it for you. And I know it sounds easier to say that on the other side of a relationship, but I really mean it.

No. But I do think that's the most important piece of advice because you the person can't fill a hole that you need to fill for yourself. Yeah. Like, you can compliment somebody. You can, you know, be someone's other half if that's the kind of person you wanna be, but, like, you can't plug a hole in a boat with your body because then you're suffering. You know? And it just Yeah. Of course you're suffering. The boat is sinking, and you're the one in the boat. The other person in this analogy.

The boat is sinking. What if you can't swim? What if the boat isn't wheelchair accessible? How did you get there in the first place? It had a ramp. Could the boat My real my real question is, why would you use a human to plug a hole on a boat? I it was an analogy that was not perfect and is bad. It was terrible. I love you though. It was so bad. Also, because I'm I'm I don't love boats very much. Me neither. Boats are not a desail person's friend, and

that's okay. There are certain things that are not for us. Boats are one of them. Because, like, if that boat goes down, like, my wheelchair don't float. I mean That's the title of my memoir. Wow. Okay. This got this turned really quick. So happy Valentine's Day, everyone. Hell, yeah. Might we say you look good today in your heart shaped red dress. They don't make those. It's not a real thing. How is the dress heart shaped? They're dressed like a Russell Sower's box.

This sounds really good SNL skit. I saw an I saw a Russell Sower's box in the store the other day that said you're the goat. And I pointed it out to her, and I was really upset because I really was like, I shouldn't have done that. I should have just got that for her because it's this most it's the dumbest box of chocolate I've ever seen. Does it have a goat on it? Yeah. It did. Oh, that's kind of cute. Yeah. I don't really do Valentine's day, to be honest with you.

I don't know. We did it last year and then, then I don't know what we're gonna do this year because, because stuff happened. Okay. Well, you can tell me that offline, but, did we already compliment everyone because you do look good today? Yeah. Thanks so much for listening. See you next time. Bye. See you.