175: Ep.175: From The Streets To The Sheets

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It's the Two Johnnies podcast. The Two Johnnies podcast. Two Johnnies recording a podcast. Hello, hello, hello. You're welcome to the Two Johnnies podcast, bringing you all the mayhem and news in the world of the Two Johnnies. I am Johnny B. And I am Johnny Smacks. Welcome to podcast 175, coming to you like a dramatic ending in EastEnders. Very good, Johnny. On this week's podcast, we discuss intelligence or debatedly our lack thereof. He claims when it rained, he could slide faster than...

Any man could run on the hurling field. Noel Furlong will be here with the news. She loves a big mouthful of a full-bodied Italian wine. And that sentence also works if you replace the word wine with man. Maureen is here with her mystery topic.

And as traditional as the cameraman at the Euros somehow always managing to find an attractive female in the crowd, we round off the podcast with our Yurts and Darts of the Week. Sorry, John. Do you reckon they hire some absolute Jerry Hound Dog? Oh, yeah. And he radios up. Yeah. Boys, ultimate ride in row D over. One lad's there on a boner for the whole match. Saucy Spanish beer, 10 o'clock. Beside the lad dressed as a chicken.

It's not the darts. Before commencing with Proceedings Matters Arising from last week's podcast. Yes, Mr. Chairman. Well, maybe they should pick out some handsome men. Yes, I agree. They'll have their hands full at our matches. Just be those English fans with the big bellies on them. That's like someone at home going, fuck. There's good looking soccer fans too. Okay, come on. All right, Mr. Chairman. On last week's episode about robbery and scams.

Podcast disclaimer, we do not condone any of these, but they are tremendous fun. Anonymous Gard was in touch. I've been a member of the Algarida Sheikana for a few years now, and I have come across some stunts. A few years ago, there was money for old clothes at those clothing bins. I saw a family throw a young lad who I think was about six into a clothing bin.

and told him to push the bags out of the bin. It was one of those bins with the anti-theft lids that are usually in car parks beside bottle banks. You know the ones? Yeah. Well, sure, the young lad horsed out all the clothes, but he couldn't reach the top when all the bags were gone. The fire brigade had to open the bin and get him out. Miserable fuckers.

I also like how the guard appears to have watched the entire thing unfold. Is this guy, does this mean he's a whistleblower now? It's that we have our own podcast, Whistleblower by Andy Inside. Also on the clothes, I heard of people soaking clothes in water before taking them to the cash for clothes shops to increase the weight. Oh, man.

Damn. Another one was a lad on the Lewis with a sum up machine walking along hoping to get contact with people's debit cards and peel 15 euro out of them. So a sum up machine is the little tap machine for your debit cards. That's why I have a secret. S-E-C-R-I-D, I think. Wallet. Is that what they call it? Yeah. You got a little steal. Yeah, we got sent them. And it says the boom is back on them. Thank you, Tiger Flynn Jewelers and Nina. They sent out little ones with the boom is back.

And finally, from my own childhood, we had a 50p. A 50 pence piece with a hole drilled in it and a fishing line attached to it. On certain vending machines, if you timed it right, you could fish the money back out and still get the can of coke. I'll have to stay anonymous, lads, with the old job and all that. So no mug for me, but hopefully you enjoy. I could have gone on. There's some serious chances out there. Anonymous Garrett, do go on. Send in the rest.

And also, 50 pence piece with a washing line. Are you Oliver Twist? Man, I've seen that happen in pubs. You did not see that happen. Slot machines. What kind was it? It was back in the day now.

but I think at the time slot machines used to be you know the 20 pence ones like in Tremorda yeah lads used to be able to like put them in and then whip them out real quick so it would hit the switch to like you know trigger your goal yeah but then you'd be able to pop it back out Do you know another good one was When you were playing pool Yeah Like get a fucking A4 pad Right Rip out the page Scrunch up it Scrunch up the paper Shove it down the pockets Oh yeah

The balls never go back in. Just play as many games of pool as you want. But they go in enough so you know they've potted it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see, it's a player game and you can just, balls just stay in the pocket. Right, Dan emailed the pod. He said, on the topic of scams and robberies, I worked as Christmas staff in Debenhams years ago.

One time I was in the stockroom and a lad I worked with burst in the door behind me. He told me to keep sketch. He then walked over to where the men's underwear was stored and proceeded to take off his shoes and slacks. When he was down to just his jocks, he pulled out a load of...

of Armani boxers and started putting them on over his jocks. Couldn't believe what I was seeing. He continued until he had about eight pairs of Armani boxers on him. Pulled up his slacks, waddled out of stockroom like he was wearing a nappy.

slacks are tight at the best of time so you can imagine the sight but the lad finished the shift and got away with it at the time our manny boxers were around 40 quid each so he probably got away with over 300 euro the big J-Lo hole on him going home oh my god Another one. I'm not saying I did this, but in some sports shop, if you know someone working on the inside, Predators used to be a great one. So Adidas would release.

the real Predator would be €175, maybe €180 or probably like €200 now. But they'd release the fakes for €90. What do you mean the fakes? So like they wouldn't be the same quality as the... to be like a dumbed down version an affordable version of the Predators for like maybe they'd have a 50 euro one and a 90 euro one and then the real deal would be 175 that was the way Adidas used to do with Predators other boots did it too so if you knew someone in the shop

You'd say, oh yeah, I'll take those predators, the 50 euro ones. And did make a mistake by putting the wrong ones in the box. The expensive ones. Yeah. That's why my cousin always had really nice boots. Another listener. Allegedly, that's a joke. And this might not be a joke. Another listener said, I knew a lad that worked in the stores in Argos. And he had a list every year of all the excess stock that was going cheap.

All you had to do was give him a list of what you wanted, but it had to be small enough to fit in a blanket box. This was because when you went in to get the stuff, you'd give him an order for a blanket box. pay for it and he'd give you out the blanket box with all your gear inside it. That's incredible. Cameras, camcorders, watches, jewellery, etc. John, no, I just want to say...

I think that one's definitely robbery. That is 100%. But also, I want to know, like, did Argos not clock on the system when it's like, wow, we've sold 200 blanket boxes in, like, gory. But then, like, over the road in Western Town, we haven't sold one. Yeah. What is it with people loving blankets? And also, how does this lad get a kick out of this? Like, he either really likes Robin Argos, or else he's like...

give you the blanket box and then meet me after work and give me like, you know, a couple of cash. Yeah. There's got to be an exchange up. I feel like, you know that idea of maybe swapping the stickers on what you get from the deli?

Yeah, that's petty. Yeah, but see, he's taking that to the extreme. Oh, yeah. Like, we're smuggling black pudding. He's got about 10 grand's worth of Hitachi in a blanket box. You know what I mean? Too far. Smuggling shit in the country, yeah. But thanks for sending that in. That was funny.

Dean was in touch When I was 18 I was working in a petrol station Part time When in college We all did that On my third shift A lad came in with a knife And cleared the till No way I had only been in the shop 3 days So I had no clue what to be at

I didn't even know how to press the no-sale change button to open up the till, so proceeded to try and scan something to open the till when your man held out the knife. He was going mental, but the lad I was working with eventually came over and managed to open up the till. He grabbed the cash and bombed it. We were first shook, but no one was hurt.

After we'd given our statements, the detective basically told us we were a bit fucked because the video couldn't ID your man and it didn't get a clear shot of the reg. Anyways, me and the lad I was working with decided the only thing we could do was get steamed.

Next day the detective gave me a ring to come into the station. For a second I had pure fear but then remembered, oh yeah, your man robbed the shop. Apparently your man that robbed us had taken a picture with the driver of the car with the exact amount of cash stolen and posted it on Facebook. The guards fake Facebook page Took a screenshot And it ended up being One of the main pieces Of evidence against him What a simpleton What a sap Oh my god

He is. But the funny thing, imagine your man's like, get me in. He's like, oh, oh, one sec, I have to, I have to scan this chungum. He's like, oh, they give me the money. Jesus Christ.

Damien emailed. I have a good story about Scabin and Robin, maybe. I would like to know your point of view on who was right and wrong. Oh, good. This goes back to the early noughties. I was around 13 or 14 at the time and I'd go into my small local bookies with my brother. I was obviously losing.

and noticed the system they had in place was not very advanced. I was also breaking the law by gambling underage, yes. So one day I checked the results of the snooker, and I went in and put on an accumulator. already knowing the results. My plan was to act shocked when I went in to collect if they told me the games had already been played before I placed the bet. Instead, just as I thought they would, they said, well done.

And paid me out. I was a winner. So I decided to go bigger and got my friend in on this. At the time, my friend was going to a different school and used to get dropped off in town. This was probably before mobile phones. So he would get to a payphone, ring my house phone after I got in from school, and I would tell him the results that day. Football, snooker, tennis, darts, cricket, you name it. We knew it.

BBC Teletext was a godsend. Page 302 for football, if I'm not mistaken. This went on for months. We were up a few thousand at this stage. Then my friend said he wanted a big one and he wanted to get out. I remember I didn't want to do it as we were going nicely, just winning small amounts and keeping under the radar. So my friend went for it and did the big one. So I had to do it.

Two, just in case we got away with it. Young and naive, I guess, but this is where we got caught. The owner noticed the time and had... and looked over the bets in the previous few months. He told us he was going to the guards unless we paid him back. So we gave him back whatever we had and that was it. Looking back now, we were underage and I shouldn't have been getting served. So we should never have given him back the money, right?

I still don't think we did anything wrong. So in my opinion, you definitely did something wrong. Ah, that's up to the bookies to cop that. Well, okay, this is the worst bookies in Europe, to be fair. Yeah, but the old bookie systems. We're bad like. How are they still? What I used to always chance was if there was brothers or players with the same name. So let's say like, you know, Liverpool were playing like Newcastle and they have a C-set.

And at the time, Liverpool had Gibraltar and Sise paying for them. So I'd be like, first goal, Sise. And the staff would never cop. yeah so like if one of them scored first like you just doubled your chances you weren't winning you weren't buying money like you know as the boys were doing did it come in for you a bit the odd time like yeah you'd be hoping you'd be looking through like Tim Cahill used to be another good one yeah and Gary Cahill

would like you know so their teams would have to play each other obviously like you just stick it down like first goal Cale never stick down the price never give it away I was talking to a mate of mine who ran a bookies and he said the most common one would be somebody come in

to place a bet on a dog race and they would do the slow count. So they'd put the slip up on the counter and the staff would just process it straight away. Bang. The guy would slowly count his money at the counter while listening to the race in the background.

And if it was sounding like the dog was going to lose, he'd be like, oh, I must go to the ATM and run out the door and never be seen again. Fuck. So just as the race starts, he'd go, yeah, 10 on number three there. And sure, whoever behind the counter would just do it.

And then she could be taking 30 seconds putting the money on the counter. Yeah. There's going to be a load of people trying that one out there. I'm telling you. I've given it away, mate. I've given it away. Boobs. Something more wholesome.

Tiddies, tatters, bazongas Breastfeeding We were talking about breastfeeding last week Yes, Caroline said My baby is nearly 10 months old And I'm exclusively breastfeeding We're exclusively on Spotify Caroline's exclusively breastfeeding Not completely by choice though She says

he is my fifth baby and point blank refuses to take a bottle or a dummy that's a dodie for those of us down the country a dodo yeah is that what you call it oh man don't start now this is bum burger all over again a dodie a dodie a dummy

A doody. I called it a dummy. A doody, we would have called it too. A doody. Yeah, I know. I swear to God, if people... A pacifier, as they say in America. Yeah, write in, what is it? Let us know. Caroline, back to Caroline. She says, I've tried every type of bottle and teeth.

There is going but to no avail. My mum always said I was the same and just went on to a cup at nine months. So she was always telling me to introduce a bottle early so you're not stuck, which I did with the others. But in this case, it didn't work. I can't even express and leave bottles ready to have a drink and pump and dump. I mean, whoever heard of the baby who wouldn't take a bottle. That is odd.

Lockdown kind of suited me because I didn't miss out on too much, but now I'm turning down nights out left, right and centre because I can't leave them for any length of time. Obviously he needs the Diddy. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love him. And it's just for a short time. So I really don't mind. I heard you were saying about being two. And I don't intend on doing it that long. But I've no idea how I'm going to wean him off. He still wakes up several times a night.

and it's like I'm a human dummy. I've tried sneaking a dummy in his mouth, but he's having none of it. As regards being sore, it is initially in the very beginning, but once you've established feeding and got the correct position and latch, it's not. He also has teeth now, and he somehow knows not to bite.

maybe because the first time he did I screamed and it scared him like with a dog you have to be like ah ah regarding my husband he doesn't mind or if he does he doesn't say on the plus side we've saved a small fortune on baby formula Do you know... That's what I've never heard. Of a lad who just refused and took the bottle. Yeah. Also, I had a doody slash doody until I was like fucking eight. Pretty sure I had one for me first Holy Communion.

My mother was like, ah, it was just a habit you had. You'd come in from school and you'd have a bottle of tea and your dough. I was like, fucking hell. I was having my communion. Still going around like a baby. No wonder I'm such a big... Child now. Jesus Christ. Yeah, well, you know, you shat yourself Uncle Eleven, but... Still pissing the bed. Potty. Go wee wee. Yeah, I was...

I'm pissed in the bed late in life. Were you? No, I was joking. I was, you fucking idiot. About eight or something, yeah, to get like fucking... Plastic sheets in there. All that shit, yeah, it's terrible. It's such a heavy sleeper. You know me, I'd sleep anywhere. Yeah, yeah.

I remember staying over at one of my friend's house and I jumped on his bed and it was like, it was like tin file. I was like, what's going on? He was like, nothing. Yeah, you know, he'd be so embarrassed as a kid. We used to try that thing where you'd like, get like a scarf and tie a big knot at the back.

to discourage you from sleeping on your back. No way. Yeah, so you'd be more... Tennis ball job. You'd be less likely to pee to bed if you're sleeping on your side. So as a kid, I stopped by about 10, I'd say. Cheers. I've heard of lads like... On the gas. Yeah, drinking and being like... I remember walking into the house party and the boys were like naked on the couch and he was just pissing.

like a proper stream of it he's on the side and he's just he's fast asleep and he's just flowing out someone else someone else is asleep on the ground then I was like I'm not even saying that in here. I'm just going about my own business. Going for a chicken. This poor lady, how about rubbing chilli powder on your nipples?

Like, you know, it worked when I wanted the dog to stop eating the dahlias. Yeah, yeah, okay. Or if she was to get something... Surely you'd just starve him. You'd fucking... You'd take a bottle and you'd have no choice. That's tough. That is tough. Tough off. Maura? You have tits. Yeah, but I haven't fed any babies, but I fed baby calves. So when some of them are a bit reluctant to take the teeth, you just kind of rub honey on it. Yeah.

And then the sucky calves love that. And so maybe try a dummy with honey on it. Oh, there you go, Caroline. I don't know if you've tried that, but if that works, let us know because we're geniuses and we'll be charging for any more advice. Fovius, John.

We had been talking about phobias on a previous podcast. Alan emailed to say, I have a strange one for you. What's the weirdest phobia you've ever heard of? My biggest phobia is plastic food containers and Tupperware. Even typing the word turned my stomach. It's a nightmare. I gag and I'm turned off food if I see someone using it. Chinese takeaways are a no-no unless they use the foil containers. But even then...

I know behind the scenes the food is stored in the plastic ones. If I know a pub, restaurant or takeaway uses them, I just stay away from it. I help out with everything around the house and do my fair share of washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing, hoovering, painting, all that stuff. I actually like cleaning and washing, but don't ask me to empty the kids' lunch boxes or drink bottles.

Into or out of the dishwasher, my stomach turns. Secretly, I rinse whatever I use under the boiling tap if it was washed in the dishwasher with the plastic containers. He says, notice I didn't use the T word. Tupperware. Okay, plastic containers, right. Touching it makes my skin crawl.

And I always scrub my hands with hot water after I touch it. But I generally try to avoid touching it. When the kids were babies, it was a nightmare for me with the bottles, etc. Thank God they're older now and don't need them. Is that the strangest phobia you've ever heard of? Alan. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It's absolutely the strangest thing I've ever heard of. He'd hate those lads. I feel so sorry for him. Do you know the lads prepping for the gym? Yeah.

He hates bodybuilders. He hates bodybuilders. But that man has never had the pleasure of eating a chow man from a nice plastic container. I feel like he's really missing out. Sure, in America, don't they come... A lot of times, no, they come in the cardboard ones. Cardboard, yeah, yeah. You want to go to Kyoto. What about the glass containers?

Yeah, they're fine. Like, I don't have a problem with Tupperware. You know what I mean? I have a lot of Tupperware and plastic collections in my house. So I don't want to say the T-word anymore if it's going to throw Alan off when he's listening. But that is the autophobia I've ever heard of. 100%. like even the what if he was playing sport would he not be able to drink out of like you know the plastic the squeezy bottles like the Luke said sports say like he might have a glass bottle

Armade Sparrow turning up for hurling training with a glass bottle. Yeah, but that's because he just loves fucking... Retro man. He's either retro... I think Jor's into the environment, I suppose. But it's a proper old-school glass bottle.

What the fuck? Do you see those shops now where you can go in with your own glass containers and like scoop in your own pasta and rice and stuff so there's no packaging? Very expensive. Oh yeah. That's it. If you want a healthy environment to be healthy it's going to cost you. It's going to cost you. He needs to go to Cork. Get chips and mushy peas in a newspaper. Okay. I mean, how do you even, like, go about fixing phobia such as that? I don't know. Therapy.

Alan let us know how it goes Thanks Alan Hurling abroad Eamon was in touch regarding David on an earlier podcast with the Shinty in Cornwall I'm a player manager for a hurling club in Oxford and was taking hurling training there on Saturday Oxford GA and Shinty actually shared Class.

And a play of the match Get on grand And ask this lad His name after It turns out This lad is none other Than David himself From the podcast Not David David who sent in His correspondence A couple of weeks ago He says he's raging He didn't send in Any website for the shinty But if you google

Cornwall Shinty, you'll get sorted. Also, any Irish lads around Oxford, you're welcome to play hurling. You can't bait a bit of self-promotion. Thought you would enjoy how small a world it really is with the Irish community in England. So that's it. Two boys met.

who have the common love of this podcast. True podcast. I played a bit of shinty. Now they're becoming close personal friends. Man, I wouldn't chance to shinty myself. I'd have much too much, I'd weigh too much respect for my legs and fingers. Those lads are hard. I think Hurland's bad. That's crazy. What occurred to me is, I look at Chinty and be like, Jesus, they're pulling all over the place. I don't know what I fancy that. And that must be how other people feel about Hurland. Yeah.

Particularly junior hurling that we play. That is almost as dangerous as Shinty. The ball is optional. Yes. Well, feminism, but this is a great story. Don't switch off. No. Everybody needs to hear this story. Una emailed to say, this is a story I've been wanting to send for some time. It's been told to so many of our friends and friends of friends since it happened that being a feminist has become our urban slang.

for a certain act. My friend Aisling was seeing a nice man she quite liked. He was a bit older than her. He's 33 and had a very good job. So she thought she's finally blagged herself somebody with their shit together. They'd been on a few dates and everything was going really well. She'd invited him to stay for the weekend and this time things got...

Interesting. When they were having the sex, she noticed that there was very little foreplay for her, but he certainly wasn't shy about asking for himself. This happened again the next few times. And she asked us for our advice as to how she could bring this up. What I should mention was Bridgerton. had just aired at the time and most of the female and probably male population were enamoured by the Duke and his cunnilingus capabilities. Yeah, he was so meant to hitbox. Was he? So...

Nobody even showed record that he was really good. And not the Tupperware kind. So... Alan's like, don't say it again. Anyway, they're watching Bridgerton. So we joked that as they watch it together, she should make suggestive comments at those particular moments, which she did. The next time they were having the sex, he finally went down south.

She was thrilled that her hints had been finally picked up. However, this was to be short-lived. She had what can only be described as 30 seconds of the most disappointing oral sex of her life before he came back up and proclaimed. Did you like what I learned from the Duke? Wow. In utter shock, but not wanting to be discouraging. Not everybody can be great at everything, right? She agreed. He had genuinely...

Tried to copy a fictional character? However, it only gets worse. During the post-sex cuddle... he stated that he must be a feminist now. As that was, I quote, a very feminist thing to do. He was, in fact, deadly serious about this. So we all put our hands together for such a hero. The man who puts to suffer in suffragettes. Who gives Countess Markievich a run for her money. The man who thinks he is a feminist for going down on a woman unsuccessfully for 30 seconds.

To top it all off when she rang to end things he said he always felt something was missing. Yeah lad. An orgasm. Oh, now that is brilliantly written as well. Thank you. Boys, there's no point holding on to the ball if you're not going to score. Yeah, live it off. Who's going to get to two Johnnies? I just want to say, this is very important. Yeah.

That's a very important piece of correspondence. Or a pleasure. For a lot of our young men listening, you know what I mean? Some people are natural. You know what I mean? It could be the, you know. The pal Horgan of orgasms earlier. Alright, okay. The Tom Brady a finger in a whatever book. For the rest of us, don't be afraid to have that chat. Yeah. Get good. Ask her, how was that? You know, like you're at a restaurant. Everyone okay for here?

you know did you like when I put on the Chinese accent in the middle there that do it for you no just character stuff I was trying to be exotic when it comes to sex everyone has to go like some people start at intermediate and manage to get up senior and some people will start at junior B yep but if you don't train the words of Miley Cyrus it's all about the climb that climb it's all about the climb

And the lick out. Who's going to get the Two Johnnies podcast mug sponsored by KSE Sports who sell all the lovely Two Johnnies merchandise? See twojohnnies.ie if you want to get yourself some. Who's going to get it? Lads and ladies. Poor Caroline hasn't gotten a fun night's sleep in 10 months thanks to her hungry child. But I do like Una's story and it was well written. Yes. Caroline, I empathise with you. Try the honey.

Let us know how it goes. It's hard to look past Una. Yeah. Go on, Una. Go on, you good thing. Thanks for that. Feminism is alive and well. If you email podcast at the2johnnies.ie with all your details, Mara, get the mug sorted out. She's living in England, is she? No, I think she's in Dublin. Good. Okay, weekly roundup, John. Yes, we're out and about, Johnny. We're life on the road. What's been going on this week? We're back. We were filming a TV show.

We're filming our first episode. Yeah, we can't say too much, but we can say that we got to stay in a hotel. What a rush. What a rush. We had dinner. In a hotel restaurant. It was mental sitting at the bar. I was like, well, you have the drink. I was like, oh my God. I'm so, so emotional right now. I never thought you'd ask. I'm so emotional. Yeah. I'll tell you one thing about hotel staff. I had a pint in front of me.

There was definitely a mouthful left. And he took the glass. They took one off me. You know, the last pint I had. Yeah. Two mouthfuls left. I know. I swear to God, you're one swipe then. I was trying to make eye contact with you to be like, say something. because obviously I wasn't going to say I don't complain to staff but they were walking past and because I said to them it was like yeah we'll get two more and so as he was kind of leaving our table he just

picked up my pint with a nice, cool mouthful left in it. And he was gone. You'll never get that mouthful back. I'll never get it back. You'll miss that for the rest of your days. You'll wake up in the middle of the night and go, I wonder what that mouthful would have been like. I wonder what the mouthful is doing now. Yeah, that was outrageous. Food was nice. Whose mouth is it in now? Someone else is drinking my mouth.

we had a nice Mazza man and then at the end your man was like will you have dessert I said no but we're going to have a load of pints I didn't want him going away anywhere you know I didn't want him trying to give away our table but the weird thing is with the rules and that

We were like, are we allowed when we finish our dinner to still sit here and have a pint? It was, you know, a grey area. We did have pints. It was lovely. Nice to be out and about. Not much because filming is very tough. Yeah. It's very difficult. Yeah, hurry up and wait. Bye. So much waiting around That's television Be there for nine o'clock And then it's like Ten past ten You get your microphone on And then eleven o'clock You might say a line It's like oh yeah fuck

I do hear of actors reading books and stuff while they're waiting around though. Yeah. I'm going to try it someday. We don't have to though. We love interacting with people when they just show up Waterford. Yeah. Thank you. Thanks for that. People taking photos of us. I got sent like six photos of us this week. Hey. Just eating. Okay. Yeah. Stop it.

One for the mantelpiece. Oh, it was nice. And just a word on the Patreon podcast. That is staying where it is and it'll be still coming out every Thursday. Only to the Patreon subscribers. On last week's extra podcast, number 65, Johnny B opened up during our listener hotline. I guess I used to lie a lot in the wedding band. What kind of shit would you say? You look well. No, they were all lovely brides. On average, a percentage now, how many...

How many braids? But we're good looking. Beauty's in the eye of the beholder. Yay! I'm Johnny away.

Intelligence. Albert Einstein once said the difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limit.

With this in mind, we've decided to discuss intelligence. How is it defined? How does being street smart matter more than being book smart? And how intelligent are all of us? Not very. So this came up because Max reckons... street smart is more important than book smart yeah bro do you know what I mean define street smart street smart is like knowing how to handle yourself in general situations getting shit done street smart is life

Booksmart is like being down the pub, giving out facts that no one gives a fuck about. That's what Booksmart is. Have you ever had a drink with someone who's Booksmart? When they're like, yeah, no, I think you're wrong there. I think that was actually 1966 that happened on the 8th of May, and they give you a quote.

But it's something like sports anoraks when I get into a quiz. Yeah, but like, you know, time and place for that. I would rather be just like, yeah, sometimes I'll tell lies. But aren't I entertaining? That's not street smart. When I grew up, the thing was that he'd buy and sell you that lad. Right. Right. He's got no job.

right he's not got much going for him in life but he'd buy you and sell you yeah but wouldn't he be better off if he was book smart than he was a doctor nah nah financially maybe but I mean in this in the in life he'd be less respected on the streets Yeah, no, when I mean street smart, I don't mean like fucking easy selling drugs in Compton. I'm talking just like being clued in like. I think if you're street smart, you have to have a strong accent. My mother believes anyway in street smart.

Does she? Yeah, like Abby would tell her something she got on a test and then she's like, yeah, but she wouldn't, you know, she fucking, she won't last on the street. This is Carlito's way. Ah, you fucking, you know, you gotta have that street smart life. I grew up in town, so I just naturally had it. Are you street smart? Yeah. Well, I'm not book smart, so I have to be something. Well, give me an example of your street smartness. Like, what are you talking about here? I'm quick thinking.

Are you? And quick talking. Like, well, look at the job I do. So, like, let's say I'm working and someone's, like, you know, someone's getting in trouble for something and they try and blame me. I'm so good at, like, oh, bang, I'll make up something on the spot and just get out of it.

that's street smart quick thinking I'm also emotionally intelligent well no no no don't try and change the subject here yeah you mean you're good at schmoozing and shit talking yeah good at shit talking good at chatting good at like just being out there fitting in good at fitting in You are quite good at it. People like you. Yeah, but that's it. People like me. I'd rather people liked me for me than being like, oh, well, he's really successful, but he's got the personality of a fucking...

Mandarin orange. Yeah. That to me is important. Give me, I'll put it this way, if we were implying someone, you know what I mean? I'd rather someone who can handle themselves and can solve problems like, you know, and is a bit of crack. Yeah. Like, you know, Neil Sound. That's 50% why he got the gig.

You know what I mean? Just letting you know. Just letting you know. I know you're book smart too. Don't fucking show off. I know you have it all. Don't be showing off over there. He's in the corner just going, yeah, fucking one of the dumb pricks, Max. But I do think that's important. I think being so-called street smart is more important earlier in life. True. Yeah, true. Growing up. So let's say we go to school together and you're street smart and I'm book smart.

Yeah. Okay. Hypothetical situation, obviously. Couldn't read in school. So, you know, after the Leaving Cert, I become a doctor. Right. Yeah, what am I doing? You didn't do your Leaving Cert. You kind of... You just went out Well then I'm just an idiot No no no You went to the streets And you hustled Right This sounds like the plot Of like 50 cent Get rich or die trying So you're a street smart Right You're wheeling and dealing You're buying and selling Things and people

Okay, right. Metaphorically, hopefully not really. Okay, I'm not trafficking people. Yeah, all right. He probably didn't tell you that. Oh, he's a human trafficker. Okay. No, right. So you get sick, right? Right, okay. And you probably bullied me in school or whatever because I was book smart.

Okay. I pull up outside your gaff and me jag. And then I go up to your door and I'm like, oh, is smacks there? Like, you know, you had a cool nickname because you were street smart. Yeah, of course. I'm probably just still like John O'Brien. Yeah. And it's like, oh, it's me. It's Dr.

John Bernard. O'Brien, yeah. And then they're like, oh yeah, he's in here, he's real sick. And then I pull down my slacks and I take a big poo on your doorstep. And I'm like, yeah, I haven't got health insurance, fuck you. And I just drive away because I'm rich and book smart. yeah but you're a prick that's what I'm saying that's why I bring it back to like yeah but people I die yeah because you won't treat me yeah and I get like a hero sooner it's not much good to you and you're dead

Yeah, but like, I can look down on it from like, you know, whatever fucking pedestal I'm on when I die. Your street funeral, there's like a load of lads letting off gunshots. Google Street View, yeah. It's like, I'm watching it on Google Street View. It's bonfires for you. And everyone's like, oh, that prick, John O'Brien. Yeah.

killed him because he shat on his porch and like nobody likes that guy I'd rather be liked when I'm here man you know what I'm saying that's what I'm all about street smart this is the plot of every movie it's like A book smart kid transfers to a tough school and the street smart guy like takes him under his wing. Coach Carter. Yeah. Yeah. It's Coach Carter. Kind of the in-betweeners too. Yeah. Briefcase mong. Yeah.

yeah that's exactly it Will was book smart yeah and the boys were a bit street smart yeah and Coach Catter he like his son was book smart was book smart and then he moves and all the boys were obviously you know shooting it up and shit okay so that's it's a pretty good plot but out of the in betweeners then I didn't see the last movie so I don't know but like who do you reckon went on to have the best life probably Simon

So is he kind of in the middle? Yeah. The most balanced character. That's what I'm saying. You want to be a bit... I'm not saying here, don't study or don't do well for yourself. I'm saying that. But I'm saying have a... To me, street smart is cop on. Right. It's a cop on to be like, I can have the crack but I know where the boundaries are and I know those lines I can't cross. And sometimes I'll walk close to them. In what way? But like, when you're a young lad and someone's like,

oh, I'm going fucking throwing eggs. Yeah. Right? You're like, oh, fuck, okay, right, okay, I'll go throwing eggs. And then if someone's like, I'm going throwing eggs at the cop shop. That's not a good idea. Yeah.

You know what I mean? So, like, my sense is like, oh, but I'm throwing out the odd egg. Yeah, I'm throwing eggs. Yeah, but I'm not throwing them at the cop shop. That's stupid. Whereas other people are like, oh, yeah, they go and do it. Do you want to throw eggs? Yeah. Do you want to go sell gear?

No. No. That's what I mean. Okay, street smart. Maura, you want to weigh in on this? Street smart is just cop on. Yeah, I think there is a difference. Being street smart in younger life is definitely beneficial because...

I grew up in like a small little village like so I wasn't very street mart smart as a street mart street mart I knew more about mart than I did about street mart street smart but I remember there was this girl who her grandma I remember I specifically made my mother buy me the same tracksuit as her. like she was in it like you know she knew the style I didn't have a clue she was in town yeah yeah you want to be the person at the back of the boy shed telling people about sex

Although a lot of the time, those people are like the people who actually end up not being able to have sex because they implode. They peak early in life. But no, just on the street smart thing, I do mean like... general awareness and I mean that awareness of yourself and like the people around you like sometimes people who are really intelligent lack that personality that they're unable to even bring their own personality out and then they're unable to read a room

so I'm talking about like street smartness yeah you're going in somewhere like you're going into a job interview like okay right I'm street smart I read the room now you know you get vibes off you whereas other people are just like I'm so intelligent that's just going to get me through a lot of stuff

there was one guy I know when he got 600 points in his leaving cert, but like, if I went over to talk to him, he went pure thread, like couldn't function at all. Like, I think he went on to study medicine. Hopefully he upgraded his social skills because... It's bad if he's a doctor and he's just going red every time a patient comes in. Do you reckon he just slips them a note saying, you're fucked? I can't communicate with you. He slips them a note and just says, I got 600 points.

Is he still dining out over that? It's not good. Different types of intelligence. This is the big thing. They've broken it down here. What have we got? Naturalist. Understanding living things, reading nature. I guess that's farmers, right? Yeah, okay, yeah, fair enough. I was just supposed to say that was the one thing I wasn't great at in this. I don't have much. You hate getting your hands dirty.

Yeah, I'm not a nature guy. Spatial awareness. I'm pretty good at packing the boot. Oh, my God. Yeah. Mate of mine, HFresh. Used to be in the band of us. Incredible at packing the back of the van. Yeah. That's a skill. Spatial awareness was amazing. That's a skill, man. That is a real skill. Bodily... Kinesthesia? No. Kinesthetic. Kinesthetic? That's coordinating your mind with your body. A lot of times, like...

Up until maybe two years ago, my body pretty much done what my brain told it to do. Now, not so much. Yeah, but there's different things. Like some people say, my dad has great hands for like making things. No, can't dance. Yeah. Good hands, bad feet. Okay. He's got half of this. Okay, he's half bodily. Yeah, but I'd say you have good hands and you can play a sport. You can move. You're mobile. See me dance. Musical is another personality. Or, sorry, another...

Type of intelligence. Type of intelligence. Musical intelligence. I'm so jealous of people who have perfect pitch. You know, you play a note and they're like, oh, well, that's a C sharp. Me too. Yeah. I'm jealous of people who have reasonable pitch. I'm jealous of people who know what pitch is. I've seen the movie. Rhythm is so funny. Yeah, but people clapping out of time does my head in. Oh my God. I can clap in time. Just get it. Yeah, it's...

Particularly like when people clap along to songs that shouldn't be clapped to. That's my problem. It's like you're playing a rock song on the late, late and the audience are like, no, you can't clap to this. You know what I mean? Wait until Daniel O'Donnell comes on. You can clap to him. Well, the big issue in a nutshell is clapping on the one or on the two. Yeah, yeah. So country music is like...

So you should be clapping on the snare. But then if you were to do... Anything else don't clap. Sometimes we're playing a song. Like when I play for the county. Oh yeah. And people are clapping on the kick drum. when I grow up I'm going to play county which is the exact opposite of where we want you to clap logical or mathematical I know so many people who are so intelligent but totally illogical You see, that's being book smart. Give an example. My missus is very intelligent, right? Scientist.

Sees a handbag online. Doesn't need it. Totally illogical. Totally illogical. No. Well, maybe the handbag's really nice. See, there you go. I would say I'm quite illogical like that as well. Just make stupid fucking decisions. But you know. I kind of do it as a farmer self-torture. like back in the day like if I had fucking 20 quid left like and there was a t-shirt that was nice enough for 20 quid in River Island I'd be like I'll go without the food

Totally illogical. And obviously, maths, you know, didn't come into that either. I've always been poor at maths. Really? Yeah, but like when it comes to accounts and money, like that's the different thing. If someone said, oh, do that equation.

I'd be like oh yeah okay and then I'd look at and like I'd do it we'll get on to it in a second but like I'd be like fuck that fuck that I'm not fucking doing that whereas if someone said here's your money and then I'd be like whoa that's not right and then I'd be able to like whip up and match someone and be like there's

Money missing here. So when it's money and it's something you matter about, I can do it. But if it's just a general equation and I know there's nothing in it for me, I won't do it. Interpersonal, John. Sensing people's feelings and motives. I think that's probably my strongest. Type of intelligence. Yeah? Yeah. I could be completely wrong. Now you'll be like, no, you're actually a wanker. What do you mean? If I come in here within around five seconds, if you're in bad form, I've got clocked.

yeah and I say to you like well what's wrong with you like and then I'm always right now on the other hand when I have a problem I tell everyone so no one has to sense it which is a whole other thing I will honestly everyone will know but I think I'm always good at like just copping that something's off or dealing with other I'm better at dealing with other people's problems than I have my own problems. If someone came to me with a problem I'd be like I'll give you a hand.

and then like my house could be on fire and I'd be like no I'm giving one of the boys a dig out like and he'd be like what are you doing I'm like I'm out here like I'm fucking painting the back wall of me mother what You won't do anything at home. It's like, I do stuff for other people. You know what I mean? Intrapersonal, understanding yourself, what you feel and what you want. Yeah, I try. This is not an interview for you, John. So I do.

No. I feel... To hit back at your previous insight of intelligence. I'm good at... Inside now, you're fairly measured in terms of, like, interpersonal. Like, you know what you're into and you're very, like... Okay, yeah. I'd say you know yourself better than any of us know ourselves. That would be my feeling. Maura, do you know yourself? I hope so. Jesus, we're pretty fucked if you don't like it up.

No, I wouldn't be probably still make bad decisions. Like, you know, probably like, you know. Don't we all? Yeah. Don't we all? The last one is linguistic. Finding the right words to express what you mean.

Yeah, you'd imagine we all have that, the line of work we do. If we're not able to talk, we're definitely all doing the wrong thing in life at the moment. I know, but you still can't pronounce pulchritudeness, so... yeah we wouldn't smash the fair me and you wouldn't be that oh no our vocabulary wouldn't be wouldn't be broad enough wouldn't be fabulous but we can talk any amount of shit my mother always said to me don't worry about the books in school

Because I don't think she said that. No, no, no. Honestly, she'll tell you this herself. She said college wasn't for me, but she said, you'll always do well because you can just talk. And she, she made a point to that when I was younger of like,

you know, you go into the shop and you talk to the person. Yeah. And now she's the same with Abby. She's like, no, like, if she can't do that, at least if she's able to hold a conversation and be friendly and carry herself, that's the most important thing, which is, which is, which is a point.

You will always get somewhere if you're liked and you can carry yourself. You get some sort of a job. You won't be, you know. Yeah. Because I was the same. My parents were very like pushy talk for yourself. But like I was camping there at the weekend.

There was children at the campsite. I tried having the crack with them. And honestly, their reaction made me feel like I was like some sort of like lurking. They were terrified of me. Really? Yeah, I was like, oh, that's a nice bike. And they're like. Stranger danger. I think I'm coming full circle on the whole linguistic thing. What do you mean? Because my mother was like, yeah, talk for yourself. And then the more time goes on.

The more I'm like, Annie, could you please talk to that person for me? It's like going full circle. Do you ever hear the old joke about the different types of intelligence? So there's a story of a barman.

working in a bar and he reckons that like he could understand all different kinds of people and could talk to anybody so this professor type fella comes in and he's like oh you'll have a drink what are you having blah blah and your man says oh I am a professor of psychology and he says oh he gets chatting to him about like Freud's work on secondary deterioration of the mind and they have a bit of a chat and he

the professor leaves him a great tip. He's like, nice one. In comes this guy in suit, you know, he's doing like business and they start talking about protectionism and intercontinental trade and he's able to pull it off a bit like, gets a great tip and then...

You know, a labourer comes in and he's like, oh, you're pouring concrete. And he's talking to him about all that. And then at the end of the bar, there's this lad asleep in a pool of his own drool and his hair is everywhere. And he's an absolute disgrace. And your barman says to him. what part Carlo are you from? I knew there was a punchline coming there. It's only a joke, but we love Carlo really, but it's just, as you say, it stands to you.

Yeah, it's probably the most important fucking type of intelligence you'll ever get. IQ testing. This is a heap of shit. I just want to go out there and say... Maura Texas yesterday wants you to do an intelligence test from Mensa. What made you think we'd be any use at this? I'll be honest. It fucking degrade. Oh, no.

I've went back on this page. Now they're telling me to do the Mensa test again, which I will not be, but I do remember my results. Okay, so none of us qualified for Mensa. So you need to get 98% in this test to qualify for Mensa. Yeah. I got 49%. so hard and the one thing that showed up to me was I left like five questions blank because it just pissed me off I couldn't get the answer to it so I gave up but I got five and right

The word stuff I was good at. So there's different sections. There was like, one would show a square with like four ticks and then the next would like turn it upside down and you have to like say what's next in the sequence. Yeah, yeah. No, I was crap at that. You were crap at that, okay. And I was crap at the math stuff. Yeah. And then, but I was good at like, here's seven letters, make a word out of it. There can only be one word. And then there was other words like firm.

like something else and you had to like give me a three letter word that you put in front of all of them and it was like con confirm like whatever I got all them okay but then everything else pretty much went to shit anything with mats Went very badly. So I got 49%. Great. I discovered what Mensa means. What? Table in Latin. Like a round table discussion. It's basically where all the fucking geniuses hang out. Mensa. And we did not qualify.

Maura, why didn't you ask us to do an IQ test? What's the difference? So that's the kind of exam that you do if you are... going to join Mensa. So basically, you can pay for it because I've done this before. It's so sad. Honestly, sorry, sorry. Did you think you would qualify for Mensa? Is that what you just took the test?

Right, okay. Oh, yes, come on, Maura. Here we go. Come on, we've hit on something here. It's about 18 or 19, okay? And it's just curious, like, you know. That's confidence. Yeah, to see how I do and... Like, so you pay something, they send you a test and they're like, right, we've half an hour to do this test, maybe more. So I did the test.

posted in the results to Mensa. And I like, I cheated as well. I give myself an extra half an hour. Like, yeah. And they came back as like, I was in like the top 10%, but like, it's only like the top 2%. that are actually there so they were like they were like so if you're in the top 10% they invite you to take a test a proper like when you're in the exam hall thing it was like and like oh yeah no if you want to do that and see if you're good I'm like

No, I cheated on the first test. And I still didn't get into like the top 2%. So like, why would I go and do an actual test? Because you used your street smarts. There you go, Mark. It was the win fee in a way. So the average IQ, they say, is around 100, between 90 and 109. Yeah? Okay, yeah. All right. Okay. We've got some geniuses here.

To score above 130 is very rare, only about 2% of the population. What would you do with a genius, like, if you had a genius? We've got some college courses here. I think that this is from America, though, is it? Which is the average IQ of your major, as they say? So what rated highest at 133 of an IQ was physics and astronomy? One device down hurling was like...

Doing his leaving certs. Yeah. And I was like, are you doing all the exams? You know, because you can get to predict the grades. And he was like, I'm just taking the physics exam. Right. And I just thought, fuck. I don't know if we can continue to be friends if you're that intelligent. I was overwrought by it. It's incredible. Physics is so hard. It's basically like advanced maths, is it? Things moving. Bet you you've done physics.

I reckon you're fucking good at the physics, lad. So the other high IQs were mathematical, sciences, philosophy, engineering, economics, chemical engineering, and then... Obviously, the likes of music didn't make the list. I love this in the research. One of the points I picked out here is in 1992, a study found that Kenyan parents defined intelligence as the ability to do without being told what needed to be done around the house. Very good. That's...

To anybody here, and particularly young people if you're listening, if you're going to get a job, even a summer job this summer or something, Fucking do stuff without having to be told. That's primarily what employers are looking for. Yeah. Is initiative. Like, that's street smart.

Is knowing what to do And when to do it Without some lad Having to follow you around Tell you a million times If they're looking over your shoulder Telling you what to do They're eventually going to say I may as well do it myself Yeah But I've worked in so many Shit jobs now That like Even in the factory like

If people were too intelligent, it's no point higher. What, they didn't suit? No. Why not? Because you just need a level of ignorance sometimes in a job. To get through it? Yeah, to get through it. Like, to pull yourself through it, whereas... Intelligent people are just too intelligent for a life. They did run the factory.

They're not going to be lugging stuff around the place. But I think that is important. Initiative way. That's the fucking main thing. I like this woman. The world's smartest woman, apparently. Marilyn Voss-Savant. 228 is her IQ. What does she work at?

magazine columnist author lecturer and playwright well that's a fucking waste of ice it's creative like to be a playwright which I thought with that IQ you wouldn't yeah you wouldn't have the creative juices flowing but well it's a real mix isn't it There's a kid here as well. Yeah, you got to go to the Irish lad. Yeah, that's who I want to go. Ian and Carly. Yeah.

Former Irish child genius, who's now 21, is projected to have an IQ of 263. At eight years old, he was already taking third year chemistry courses at Singapore Polytech. And by the time he was nine, he'd memorized the first... 518 decimal places of pi that's no use do you reckon he played soccer on Saturdays though maybe do you know what I mean like normal kids like if he's at home like learning decimal places like he's not he's definitely not getting

Full childhood. At the age of 12, he wrote the script and composed the music for a short film called Reflection at Age 12. Not bad. He was born in Singapore. His dad is from Mayo. and he is regarded as an omnibus prodigy a child with multiple talents shows gifts across the wide spectrum fair play to you and there he is wearing a lab coat and those glasses that Bono has

He's got to be 12. What are we taking away from this, Naz? I kind of think that IQ, it's a helpful measure, but it's not the ultimate measure of intelligence because there's so many aspects to it and you can't really define... You can't really compare somebody's IQ to how creative or artistic they're going to be. Look at some of the biggest artists in the world coming on rapping men like, yo, I'm an OG. And it's like...

Millions of views Is that guy a genius? In his own way I guess Some of those TikTokers look fairly stupid But they're making millions Yeah 100% That's the type of genius? Yeah Do you know who's got emotional intelligence though? Mammies Yeah They know everything They just know Putting a teabag on your eye They've got a sixth sense Yeah Mammie sense Mammie sense Yeah I think so But I'm

Look, I'm not shitting down on anyone who's intelligent. Good. Book smart. You know what I mean? That's like, I think that's last. And look, I do think you will get to the street smart level later in life. But I'm saying street smart for a kid growing up at 15, 16. So fucking important. Okay. So important. Johnny Smacks is going to do a video.

on how to be street smart. Yeah, I'll do it. It should be part of a transition year program that they just show kids. This is, listen, wise up, it's going to be called. Fucking wise up to the world. Yo, I'm Johnny Smacks. Today, I'm about to tell you how to be street smart.

it was funny I was looking at some of this intelligent stuff I was reading and like they were on about studying and shit yeah read this one about blur can I just tell this one before we wrap this up well they started with listening to Mozart improved her test scores yeah

I should have tried that back in the day. And then research conducted in the 1990s found a blur effect where kids who listen to the Brit pop band Blur seem to do better in tests. In fact, researchers found that the blur effect was bigger than the Mozart effect. simply because kids enjoyed pop music like Blur more than classical music. Hey lad, imagine you were listening to Richie Cavanagh while you were studying. Yeah, you now have an ex-science degree. Yeah. Right and about.

New Holland combines and stuff, you know? No, I know. And thanks to whoever pulled up this. Here you go. This is what Street Smart is. I couldn't find the words earlier on. Because I wasn't intelligent enough. The stereotype of a street smart person is someone who knows how to handle practical situations in everyday life necessary to get things done. But it is not as inherently educated or gifted academically.

That sums me up. Okay. Well, can people send in their examples of street smart? Yeah. But who's buying and selling you? And how are they doing it? Yeah, that's what I want to know. Okay. Or really, really book smart people who you found to be totally inept at normal life. Yes. And if they're celebrities, even better. We'll read it out and change their names. Don't worry.

Hello, hello, everybody. Thanks so much for listening. If you haven't heard, we've moved exclusively to Spotify. So if you want to hear the rest of this episode and all future episodes, just download the free Spotify app on your phone or wherever you listen to your podcasts. Type in the Two Johnnies podcast and enjoy it. Thanks so much, lads.

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