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Anyone who’s ever had to educate a talking donkey would know, onions have layers (just like ogres). But, just like in the story with the giant, green, scottish (?) ogre — it’s important to remember the lessons behind the fables! Like the tortoise and the hare, which reminds us that even if the tortoise doesn’t win the race, it’ll outlive a rabbit by several decades. Take that RABBIT. QUESTIONS Julian: "At what distance race would a tortoise actually be likely to beat a hare?" from Patreon poll w...
This week Julian takes a pleasant trip down to his local Egyptian library and tries to save it from burning to the ground and dramatically altering the course of history. And returning guest host Ralph Crewe explores the solar system in the most macabre way possible! QUESTIONS Julian: "If the library of Alexandria was never destroyed, how technologically advanced would we actually be today?" - Finjan Ralph: "What would happen to a dead human body on each planet in the solar system" - Chelsea Do ...
It’s our first episode of the new year! Welcome to 2026! In this, wild episode Trace (recording from his parent’s sun room) explores the chemistry and power of the lasagna battery. Then, Julian flies off the handle about helicopters as a gift for himself for his birthday (Happy Birthday, Julian! 🎂) QUESTIONS Julian: "Can a helicopter fly upside down? AND could it land SAFELY upside down on it's rotors?" from Gailmarie Trace: "How many lasagna batteries does it take to power a toaster oven?" fro...
Like Boromir said, "It is a gift! Let us use it against them!" The internet has been taken over by #lofi girls, so we commissioned an artist to turn Julian and Trace into our own #lofigirl for the holidays! (Is it a lofi girl? are we lofi guys? We're honestly not sure. Either way, we did it!!) We love you all! Thanks for making 2025 such an amazing year (for our little community) even though it was generally a terrible year for gestures broadly . Hope this can being a little light to your holida...
Support your giving goals this holiday season! Go to GiveDirectly.org/Absurd and get a 100% match by Giving Multiplier! (Don't dilly-dally this match is only until the end of the year!) This episode aired around Easter, prompting us to ask: where does that weird Bunny get all the eggs? And why are there eggs in the first place? Guest Yasmin Khan (The Young Turks) has an answer. Meanwhile, Julian explores the word of bat-style crime fighting on a budget and Trace explores if living on Mars would ...
If your life had a soundtrack what would it be? Up-tempo action music? Epic orchestral swells? Romantic… xylophones? Are xylophones romantic? We don’t know, we’re podcasters, not EGOT-winning music producers of screen and stage. Maybe it’s a good thing you can’t hear what’s in our heads… aside from on this show where we say everything in our heads, obviously. In this episode Trace explores what it might be like if the music in your head had a public feed. Meanwhile Julian tries to figure out wha...
We did another live show!! I’m not sure how we convinced the Bay Area Science Festival that we are a legitimate podcast, but, hey, people actually showed up to watch the show in-person in San Francisco. We had an extremely tight window, and are famously (infamously?) long-winded, so in this episode special guest Dr Wallace Marshall ponders the nightmare of giant tardigrades, and Trace looks into the availability of gluttony… you know, for science. If you want to have our show on the road to you ...
Happy American Turkey Consumption Day! 🦃 In honor of the national holiday we've let Kyle out of his editing dungeon and let him celebrate with his family. We're doing the same, and we hope those of you who are celebrating have a beautiful holiday. We're thankful for YOU, not just saying that, we put time and effort into this ridiculous show, and y'all keep showing up week after week. That means so much to us. Thank you. We decided in honor of the release of "Wicked 2: We Swear It's Good," we're...
If we say: Making whoopee. Polishing the broomstick. The pickle tickle. Shagging. Enjoying Taco Tuesday. Parking the beef bus in Tuna Town. Waxing the carrot. Boinking. Glazing donuts. Going downtown. … I think you get what we mean (right?) This week, special guest Danielle probes the terrible scenario where ‘Doing Taxes’ was more like actually filing financial paperwork than going for a roll in the hay. Meanwhile, Trace gets stuck in some kind of time loop (no groundhogs were harmed in the answ...
You know what's passé? Chemical rockets. Powering a space ship by harnessing the expanding gasses of a controlled explosion and shooting off to parts unknown guided only by fire, math, and spite for the force of gravity? Yawn. What if instead you got like, 40 cyclists with thighs as big as tree trunks that just won't quit, stuck them on some stationary bikes, and used them to power your spaceship like it was a sci-fi trireme from the year 30,000? WOULD THAT SOLVE ANYTHING??? Trace is going to fi...
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, Over my quaint and curious human egg, forgotten I should stretch my leg— While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door “Though thy egg be shorn and shaven, thou,” I said, “art sure no craven, Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from a non-avian shore— Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s ratetian shore!” Quoth the Raven “No birds no more.” QUESTI...
In this special HALLOWEEN EPISODE ⚡️ Julian and Trace wear out Kyle’s lightning button ⚡️ and answer some SpoOOoOooOOOoky questions about ⚡️ dangerous animals ⚡️ vampires and in true Millennial fashion…⚡️ ⚡️ ⚡️ alcohol ⚡️ QUESTIONS Julian: "If a vampire bit and fed off of a very drunk person, would the vampire then get drunk from the persons contaminated blood? If so, would this also work for other substances (like caffeine or THC)?" from Kelly Trace: "What is the most dangerous animal to become...
When can we all admit that we’re all scrolling instagram while sitting on the toilet? When will we admit that foods with more surface area are just darn tastier? And when will we admit that … well we’re still on the toilet because of constipation. Julian and Trace will cover all of this in this week’s episode. Except the instagram thing, that’s still a mystery to science because no one will admit it!! WHEN CAN WE ALL ADMIT THAT WE’RE AL— sounds of being stuffed into a truck QUESTIONS Julian: "Wh...
Locusts, Squirrels, and Birds OH MY! In this wild episode of the show, Julian drones on like the queen he is all about airplanes and bees. Then, Trace finds some fuzzy commandos to gnaw at infrastructure of New Jersey. Squirrel away this knowledge for a rainy day — as long as the locusts don’t attack your airplane. QUESTIONS Julian: "How many bees would it take to Sully a plane?" from Zoe -- Wiki about Sully’s plane: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/US_Airways_Flight_1549 -- Images of locust strike...
Dearest Listeners, We write from our recording studio's trenches. The air is thick and oppressive. The relentless heat tests our resolve. Our studios, once creative havens, now resemble the crannies of camels. The temperature rises each hour, and so do tempers. We are tired–Listeners—bone-tired, the kind that settles deep into one's soul. Yet we press forward, driven by our duty to document the absurd. Julian hasn't fared well; the heat has frayed his nerves, making him snap at small provocation...
WE DID IT. WE MADE 100 PODCAST EPISODES WITHOUT MISSING AN UPLOAD (almost). To celebrate Trace and Julian decided to do it big. How big? TEN WHOLE QUESTIONS BIG. SO BIG THEY HAD TO ASK THEIR FRIEND SOPHIE SHRAND TO HELP THEM OUT BIG. BIG ENOUGH TO.... BE... LIKE... REALLY LONG... BIG. You get the idea. We pulled out all the stops for this absolute marathon of an episode because we owed it to you all. You have made making each episode such a delight with your weird thoughts, running gags, and del...
Tired of having to do all your evil deeds yourself? Well with this one simple organism and some ethically dubious genetic engineering you too could have your very own army of immortal minions! (Intelligence and number of eyes may vary). Julian explores what you might need to make these little favorites of moms everywhere. Then Trace explores a pool of saliva.... Just going to leave it at that. QUESTIONS: Julian: "If you were to create a Despicable Me Minion what living thing would you start with...
Want to make a nanoscale image of the Mona Lisa? Listener Kodiak does. All they have to do is learn a bit of quantum mechanics, some thermochemical nanolithography, and then tap the genius of ancient superbrain Leonardo da Vinci! EASY!! Scientists did it!! Even though you can't see it without a powerful microscope trust us that she is smirking even harder than usual. While Trace is poking around like Ant Man, Julian roleplays as Frozen's Elsa to see if he can extinguish fire with nothing but an ...
The hip bone connected to the basalt rock The femur bone connected to the lunar maria The foot bone connected to the gravitational equilibrium of the celestial bodies! That’s the story of the bones… and… this episode? QUESTIONS Trace: "How easy would it be to break your bones if humans can fly?" from Anonymous Julian: "How big would the moon have to be to make you weightless?" from Sun Do you have an absurd question? Maybe it's a silly idea that popped into your head, a shower thought about the ...
his week, Julian prunes the universe down to size: bonsai animals, bonsai humans, bonsai...uhm...did he just say bonsai HUMANS? Meanwhile, Trace tunes into the world of telepathy, where mind-reading might sound less like superpowers and more like trying to pick up a radio station with a bent coat hanger. QUESTIONS Julian: "Can you bonsai any living things other than trees or shrubs?" from Ard Trace: "How would telepathy actually work? Would it be fuzzy like those AI images? Aren’t all brains wir...
This week, we and guest Lieven Scheire all ruminate about a new job: Fart Safety Officer. Meanwhile, Trace get’s SALTY thinking about what if the oceans weren’t and Julian calculates the pure pasty reflectiveness of the Britons. QUESTIONS Trace: "If we removed all salt from the oceans, would that solve anything about rising water levels?" from Rob Lieven Scheire: "Could a fart be ruminated to the point where smelling it would kill you?" from Nick Julian: “Could enough pasty Brits reflect enough ...
Julian rolls into yet another extremely nerdy community and fires rounds left and right. Meanwhile, Trace calls his mom to help answer a question from a kid. As long as we're not on the subject though, what do tree trunks and military tanks have in common? They’re both flammable. QUESTIONS Julian: "Who would win: Dragons vs WW2 tanks” - Tim Trace: “Why are trees Green and Brown why not purple or something else?” - Rhonda Do you have an absurd question? Maybe it's a silly idea that popped into yo...
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo, Julian’s got a blueberry question for you… Oompa Loompa, do-ba-da-dee, it you are wise you'll listen to … this podcast?? What do you get from a hose to space? “Is it a straw or a siphon,” asked Trace? Blaming us for these silly quest-ions You know exactly what… else happ-pens! We dig deep and will answer them! Oompa Loompa do-ba-dee-da, If you like this pod then you will go far. You will live in happiness too, Like the oompa loompa do-ba-dee-doo! QUESTIONS Julian: "W...
In this episode, Trace investigates whether your furry companion is cuddling you... or forging a trauma bond in exchange for treats. Meanwhile, in a shocking twist of anatomy, Julian answers what would happen if your muscles worked in reverse . Flexing? Cancelled. Walking? Complicated. Cuddling your trauma-bonded cat? Still mandatory. QUESTIONS Julian: "What if muscles worked in the opposite direction?" from Eline from the Netherlands Trace: "Does my cat have Stockholm syndrome?" from Rob Do you...
In this rebroadcasted episode, Trace resets the solar system to observe what life would be like on a 2/3rds-sized "Wee Earth." Julian, meanwhile, uses particle physics to finally distinguish between his left and right hands. QUESTIONS Julian: "If I had some magic communicator to speak to someone in another galaxy, could I explain what "left" and "right" were?" from Anonymous Trace: "How would have life evolved if Earth was two-three times smaller?" from Moma Do you have an absurd question? Maybe...
In this episode Trace takes way, way too long to explain that dreams are pretty darn short. Meanwhile, friend of the absurd, Deboki Chakravarti squeezes every last drop of information about breastfeeding. QUESTIONS Deboki Chakravarti: "Why do we only breastfeed our babies, but not other close relatives and friends to boost each other's immune systems?" from Kathy Trace: "How does time in dreams work" from Haurane Do you have an absurd question? Maybe it's silly idea you had, a shower thought abo...
It's the most wonderful time of the year! When the fish in the water make the kids scream and holler and panic with fear! That's right, it's Shark Time. You all know what we're referring to but we think the term might be trademarked like the Tuber Bowl and Taco Thursday. Anyway, we're kicking off the celebrations and to help us do so we went out and (politely) caught the coolest shark expert we know, Jaida Elcock, to answer your shark-related musings! QUESTIONS Julian: "What adaptation, that is ...
In this strange episode Trace obsesses over the wild water system stretching across North America, and Julian contemplates indoor clouds and ACTUALLY ANSWERS: Does this solve anything?!?! Thanks to Dr Brian Rahm from the New York State Water Resources Institute at Cornell University for answering my silly questions. Find out more about water: https://cals.cornell.edu/water-resources-institute QUESTIONS Julian: "Is it possible to create a cloud indoors?" from Josh in Bozeman, Montana Trace: "What...
This week we try something a little different — the ⚡️THUNDER ROUND ⚡️ as Jeff Goldblum says in Jurassic Park Uno, “Your [science nerds] were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn't stop to think if they should! ” In this special episode, Julian and Trace snagged every dinosaur related question we could fit in a shaving cream can. Then, like a couple of velociraptors in a kitchen we made a huge mess of things. There’s a new Jurassic World movie, so we figured if not now — then when? ...
Dive into two absurd questions this episode. First, the hosts examine the possibility of humans evolving the ability to fly, exploring how flight arose in insects, pterosaurs, birds, and bats, and discussing the unlikely biological adaptations humans would need. Second, they calculate how many static discharge shocks from removing a sweatshirt inside an airtight phone booth would be needed to produce a lethal concentration of ozone, delving into the science of static electricity and ozone toxicity.
