This thing is real. Open my front door and I shout, Mama! I've got some news! It ain't a happy one. In fact, you may die from it. My mom walks into the hallway while wearing her nursing clothes. Without a word, she walks over to me and smacks me on the head. Ow! Why'd you do that? I ask. Ryan now, why didn't you tell me you had a son? This bitch Karen came to my front door with this little boy talking about he's yours and you were supposed to be watching after him.
Then she's gonna leave with the boy still here.
Ah fuck.
What the fuck did she do that for? Fucking Karen. I take off my jumper and then hang it up. First your brother tells me you have a son, and then the next thing I know, this bitch is at my front door with this child. He's cute, ain't he? Ask my mom. She glares at me. Come on, you know he is. He's just like me when I was a little kid. Only he's less mouthy and more well behaved, of course. Boy, you better look after that child. I ain't playing with you.
He's a fragile little soul, and if you mess with his head, I will mama, I won't. I tell her. You better not or I'm hanging you from that ceiling fan. Are we on the same page? Do you speak my English? Yes, ma. She touches my face lovingly and then slaps me across the face again. The next time you fuck up, I appreciate it if you told me first so I can find a fitting punishment to bestow you with. Bestow? Are you an English housekeeper? Boy, you ought to watch your mouth. I'm not playing with you.
Forgive me, mother. I must have lost my mind. I'll make a mental note to kill my brother later. Are you gonna stand there all day or are you gonna actually go and spend time with your child? My mom says. Yeah, I'm gonna spend some time with him. What kind of kid do you think Grimps raised? My mom touches my face lovingly, as if to say she's proud of me. I smile. She says, Good boy. He's in the kitchen waiting for you. Now I gotta go get ready for work. Wait, wait, wait, what? Shit!
I forgot he was here. I shouted my mom. Mom! Can you help me with him? Sorry, baby. Mama has to rest before her night shift.
Fuck.
Man, I hate her sometimes. How long will he be here? I shout. Until Karen picks him up tonight. Mom, I need to know more! My mom is gone.
Fuck.
I take a deep breath and head towards the kitchen. The kid's back is to me. I look at his head. Sonass. The kid needs a trim. I walk over and tap him on the shoulder. The kid flinches. I raise my hands up and surrender. It's okay, dude. It's only me. I'm the good guy. The kid is still apprehensive, but he relaxes. I make another mental note to find out what the flinch was about later when Karen picks him up. I sit down at the kitchen table. The kid's head is down. He ain't looking at me.
What's your name, dude? He's silent. Ask again. What's your name? You're my dad. You're meant to know. Alright, this little champ is smart. But I'm not accepting defeat. I continue to stare until he's had enough. He says, It's Joey. I smile. Cute. Not only does Karen make good babies, she's got a good knack for giving good names to her kids too. You alright? You want something to eat? I can make anything you like, mac and cheese, burgers, anything you want.
Just say the word and I'm your butler for the day. He nods, but stays silent and goes back to looking at the floor. This kid, what's what's wrong with him? What's your mom said about me? The kid looks uncomfortable. He doesn't want to answer. I ain't never been a father before, but this guy makes me want to try. He's cool. I stand up. We can go to Wendy's, get you something to eat. That's alright with you. Anything on the menu. My treat. He's silent. I sit back down.
I'd really like to get to know you, I tell him. He looks up at me and says, Why? You never bothered before. What's changed now? Uh I never knew you existed before today. He scoffs. You're friends with Chanel, but you didn't know I existed? I wasn't born yesterday, despite my look saying otherwise. Okay. He's got a few jokes. Look, I really like this dude. Look, for real, I I didn't know you existed. I won't lie to you about that. I'm being completely honest with you. Scout Sonor.
Yanger should be directed at your mom. She kept us from each other for most of our lives. Fuck you, he says. Okay, okay. Gotta be more careful here. Starting to lose this guy. I need to spend more time with him. I say something bad here and it can make him not want to see me ever again. Alright, let's change the subject. You enter girls? He laughs. I'm 12. You're never too young. I'm 12. Damn, this kid is irritating. Maybe I'm just a terrible dad. Oh, come on. Get up. I tell him.
We're getting out of here. He gets up. We head towards the front door. We're at Wendy's now. It's been about five minutes and the kids already scoffed down two burgers and fries. And his stomach's still growling. Where the hell has this kid been? In the forest living with wolves? I spot my bro prior speaking to the girl in the corner. Shit, I know her. It's my boss's daughter. The daughter my boss tried to set me up with. They kiss each other. Okay, damn, my bro's a bigger genius than I thought.
Turn my attention to my little man. What's your favorite show? He looks at me confused. Ask again. Do you watch TV? He shrugs as if to say nope. Okay, interesting. Did you read? He nods. What kid's book are you into? He looks at me with a smile. He says, Stacey Abrams, our time is now. Whoa, okay. Alright. This kid is smart. Really smart. He asks me, have you read it? I lie and say I have. I haven't at all. All I know is it's a politics book. A friend recommended a few months ago.
I read the first two pages and I got bored. He asked again, have you really read it? I nod and say I have. He asks, What state is the book based on? Fuck. The kid has me. This 12-year-old kid has outwitted me. A 32-year-old man. I'm not gonna be best about him. I could easily ask you the same questions about movies and TV shows and you'd be stumped. He laughs. Yeah, I would, but I'd still be the smarter one between us. Alright, I hate this kid. I fucking hate this kid.
The kid grabs my untouched burger and takes a bite of it. Okay, now he's really getting on my nerves. I was gonna eat that later. We're walking towards my barbershop. The kid doesn't want to go. I ain't going. Look, kid, your hair is messed up. It's fucked up. He smacks me on the leg is to say, I'm a kid. I continue. One day you're gonna be into girls. If your handline is as fucked up as mine, no girl is gonna want to Yes, what were you gonna say? Man who claims to be my dad?
No girl is gonna wanna be with you. Now trust me, you need a fresh cut. He sizes to give up. We reach my barber and walk in. My barber Santos walks in. He's bald and has goofy glasses. He sees the kid, he smiles. He says, Karen strikes again. Santos is dating Chanel. I say dating, but they really bone. When she needs date. Santos wants to marry her. He's been trying to get Chanel's dad to like him. But the man's old school and doesn't think being a barber is a suitable career.
So Santos gives me free cuts, and if I go to see Chanel's family, I'm just supposed to say positive things about him. Santos says to my kid, Hey, is this your first time in a barber? Because it might end up being like Edward Scissorhands if we're not too careful. I'm not a baby, don't pander to me. That's my kid's response to him. Santos glares at him. Dude, if you want to be starting something, we can go right now. Alright, alright, let's behave ourselves.
I tell Joey. He's serious when he wants to be. This kid is ruthless. Santos motions for him to sit down in the chair. Joey does. Santos goes on with his job. Got the ring? Nah, it's pointless. She ain't gonna want to marry me. I nod to piss him off. He glares. Maybe change your dress code and she might. The fuck you say to me? Watch your language. How to be positive, Santos? I tell him. What's the point? He ain't got any balls. She's just too smart for me.
Any fool could have guessed that, Joey says. Yeah, yeah, that's uh. That's true. Santos looks teary. Dude, I'm kidding. He might have been, I wasn't. Oof. Right in the chamber. Come on, Santos. He's a kid. Santos walks away to sob. What kind of barber cries in his own shop? Joey says. You need to slap him across the face and knock some sense into him. This dude needs to chill. That mouth may be useful in this world, but you leave it unleashed and it'll get you hurt.
Another barber puts on his headphones and walks over. This barber ain't messing around. He ain't having my boy mess with his head. He's all business. I wish I could do the same. We're home now. My boy's had his trim. His hairline's fucked up, but I mean he deserved it for messing with my people. Let's hope he learns something from me once our time is up. He's staring at me as he watches TV. And he gives me the finger. Nice. My son, ladies and gentlemen, the dick.
I text Chanel to find out when Joey's gonna be picked up. Chanel texts back in three days. Wait, wait, wait, wait, what? What? What the fuck? Karen can't settle me with him for three days. I have work in the morning. I text her back. She texts back saying, Karen has a three-bedroom house. One for her, another for her twins. The last one has gym stuff in it, and it needs clearing out. She'll get it done in three days. I call Chanel. She picks up and says, Let me guess.
You want her to take him back right away? I mean, I ain't saying that, I reply. The kid needs to be with his family. Chanel replies, He's been with him all his life, Ryan. We feel like it's time for you to experience a little bit of that. I'll let that sink in. So what am I gonna do with the kid? I ask her. Chanel says, get to know him. He'll only be in town for a week before Karen moves back to LA. Fuck! That's a gut punch. I thought she was gonna stay for a while longer.
I thought she was staying permanently. Hello, Ryan? Are you still there? I hang up. There's a look of devastation on my face. This kid means. I mean, he's a good kid. He needs a father figure around him. I don't want him going to LA thinking he wasn't loved by me. That could fuck him up his entire life. It did to me when my dad left my mom. I look at Joey reading the book. He looks calm. Relaxed. He's a kind soul. I need to know him. I can't do that in a week. What if? No, that's stupid.
I mean, but what if? Don't be stupid, Ryan. What if you try to start something with Karen? Could that make her stay? She's still with her ex-dummy. Is she? Probably not. I mean, at least try. I gotta give it a go. I mean, you won't know unless you try. Yeah, I'm gonna try to get back with Karen. Do you like her? What do you think, Brain? Considering she's stuck in here like a loop. I need my kid to stay here longer.
With that plan in my head, I call Chanel to find out more information about Karen's relationship status. This shit is real was read by me, Marcus Brown, and written by Joao Nasita.