As we were, Luke has just wheeled himself over to me. My son is in a wheelchair. When did that happen? How has he always been like this? Was he involved in a horrible accident? I have to get to the bottom of that story. I have a funny feeling that the story isn't good. A boy this young shouldn't be in a wheelchair. It's not right. It's not right. As I think those thoughts I realize Luke is speaking. He just asked me a question.
Beth's gone into the kitchen to pour us orange juice and I take a seat on the stool next to Luke. Uh sorry, but could you repeat the question? Do you like Star Trek? Th there's only one right answer. And do you think the man in front of you will get it right? Dream on, Luke. He's a dud. Did I do something to annoy? Yes. Duh. Okay, fine, no, I just connect with you better if I insult you first. It's how I love people, be thankful. Yeah, I want full custody.
I tune out for a second as Beth laughs her head off. I'm concerned with trying to figure out what a star trek is. Oh, hang on. It's that's Princess Leia and Dorthveda sci-fi crap that no one intelligent cares about. And yes, I'm a brainy person in that scenario. You laugh, but it's true. I am. Ugh. I'm ignoring you until you pipe down. But seriously, what is it with dorks who love that shit? Can't people just like sports better? Sports are a great way of understanding the human experience.
I mean it doesn't grow up with the whole sci-fi nonsense in my life is okay. Then again, my ma often claims I'm dead inside, so what the hell do I know? Nothing, that's probably what. Luke clicks his fingers to get my attention and I wake up again. Are you a fan of Star Trek or not? No, I'm more into Star Wars. I'm really hoping he doesn't ask any more questions or it's about to get really embarrassing for me. Well, who's your favorite character and what's a Death Star?
Did you hear a buzzing sound, Luke? I think we have a bee in the house. We better be careful, that might sting us. You haven't answered my question. Oh, there it goes again. We gotta start thinking about moving. So you know nothing about Leonard Nemoy and Picard? Oh of course he does. He's just about to tell what he knows. Beth smiles and I slowly panic. Is that sweat? Luke, I think your dad is sweating. Or he's thinking up a lie to get himself out of this bear trap.
My kid smiles as if he thinks Beth is joking. When he realizes she might not be, his smile turns into a scowl. Luke sends me a death glare. Ah, what have I done here? The kid looks like he wants to murder me. I don't want you to be my dad anymore. Mom, this man is an imposter. He doesn't belong here. Boo, boo, boo, boo you. Luke starts booing me. This kid is fucking weird. Luke, Hun, everyone can't like the same things you do. It's like a god making two Beyonces.
Sure it might be the more talented, hotter and princess like, but the world chooses to like the fake one. So I just have to accept the other bitch exists and steals my limelight. Just like you have to accept your dad hates everything you love in this world, including me. Oh, and I wonder why that is. Me too. It's like two brains working in unison. Aren't we awesome? I think we are. Hi five. Beth smacks me in the head. Oh! Your finger went in my eye. Oh, sorry.
He's a loser, Mom. Do you like sports? We could bond over sports. I could take you to watch the New York Yankees spend week, if your mom will allow us to commute to the game. She will not allow that. One, he hates sports. Two, he has school. And lastly, my mind would think your bonding session is the ruse for you to kidnap him. I'm fragile and broken like that. Your mom. Has she ever had a specialist talk to her? I'm not crazy. People have got to stop coming up with that conclusion about me.
It's like I get enough of the crazy name calling at work. Enough already. So you're not into sports. Um have a guess, Sherlock. I'm in a wheelchair. I'm losing this kid. I don't know what I've done to upset him, but he hates my guts. I can't let my son hate me. A couple of ex army pals are in a wheelchair. Are you calling me a cripple? He's calling me names, mom. I'm not, I'm trying to I'm not, you know. I can stand up and prove you wrong, but I won't, because I can't be asked.
Thank your lucky stars. Honey, no one's calling you that. And stop being hostile. Your dad's trying to be your friend. Hang on, yeah. Like he's the expert at making friends. What a dumbass. Do you see this giant man standing in front of you? Yeah? Well he's the man you're taking shots at. He kindly requests you quit it for the sake of continuing the illusion that he likes ya, okay? Fine. I'll just insult you behind your back. And smile. I need a meme of you.
Beth takes out a phone and takes a picture of me looking annoyed. Ooh, your dad's sexy when he's angry. Who would have thought? Luke, you have a cool wheelchair, but I know an ex army pal who makes electric ones. I could probably get him to design one for you, you know, in return for your love. I laugh. Luke stares looking miffed, of course. There's no winning this kid over, is there? Thanks for the offer, but I'm okay. I try to think of another thing I can give Luke. Beth touches me on the arm.
She knows how desperate I'm getting. She wants me to stop thinking. Beth gestures with a hand for me to breathe in and out. I do as she asks and I'm better. Huh. She's a genius. Who would have funkin'? Can I go now? You're both annoying. Damn it. I need to try one last time. Let's add comedy too. Luke the wheelchair could be Star Wars themed if you like. What do you think? You're thinking what I'm thinking? You want to nominate me for dad of the year? Ha I know it. Thank you, son.
Best decision of your life. Hug me at once. Okay. That's settled. I need you out of my life. Luke, apologize. Your dad's trying his best to connect with you. I hate him, mom. Luke, it doesn't matter. He's your dad. You should respect him. I'm not laughing after saying that. Wow. I've really grown up. Beth burps. Then again, what do I know? Sorry for what I said. A man who I'll never accept. I must say you're a handsome kid. Okay, enough. Luke, go to bed. I'll check on you in a minute.
Sleep tight. Love you. Luke drives the wheel away. Hey, is that a no on the electric wheelchair? I think it's more important to get yourself a personality than it is for me to get an electric wheelchair. Oh, come on, bud. Mom, I reject this man as my dad. Luke turns his wheelchair around and makes an escape. I turn to Beth, who winces. Firstly, congratulations, you just met your son. Oh who hates my guts? Yeah, because you're trying too hard. You're going too fast with him.
Look, David, you can't make up for not being in his life in one day. It takes time. It takes a lot of bonding sessions talking about man stuff. Takes time building Lego toys and cooking meat on the grill. At this point I have no idea why anyone would want to be a man. You're also fucking boring. You are unbelievably bad. You're right. I need to take it easy with him. I looked really needy there. Oh hey, I was you on the pole. I am needy on the pole, aren't I?
It's the thought of touching another man's you know what? It turns me on. I don't want to think about those images, thank you. Beth laughs, and I walk towards the kitchen. I get out a glass, I flick on a tap and pour myself a drink of water. What am I gonna do about this, Beth? I need my boy to like me. I can't have him hate both of his parents. And you assume he hates me? Why? Uh 'cause the universe does. Yeah. They probably groomed him to hate me too. A smirk appears on Beth's face.
Seriously, what's that about? I don't know. I've only seen Luke get the cold once. Come on, when was it? Maybe the issue links up with this scenario. The last time he got this pissed was when my dad brought him Battlestar Galactica bed sheets. He looked like he wanted to go all cobra cai on my dad, although I kind of enjoyed it too. Why? Because the night before, my dad set me up with his assistant, who was a dentist who would later give me a checkup while we were in the middle of our date.
Well the little creep. I know, but I'm glad he did. I had a horrible toothache that day, and he helped a lot. Anyway, hang on. That that that could be could it? What? What could be what's on whose universe? Maybe Luke hates people trying to make him like uh the sci-fi shows. Maybe he just wants us to like Star Wars. Star Trek? God, why do you always have to make me the smart one? I have ink on my robe and I have no idea how it got there. I'm not so bright.
Well uh what if I learnt about the Star Wars? Trek. Damn it. It's like having a curse or something. You're saying? Yeah. Uh what if I learnt? And then brought him the lot of cool stuff. And then Luke could quiz you, and that way you could start your father and child bond? Ooh, I like my idea. No. My idea. I came up with it. Come on. Do you really want the plan's liability if it fails? No, but I still So isn't it wiser to give me the praise for my great mind? Good. That's agreed. What's the plan?
I need to know what I'm taking credit for. Alright, my uh cousin Connor was a big trick nerd growing up. I could meet with him for breakfast and he could fill me in on what I need to know and buy for Luke. Then he likes me. Ooh, my plan is really shaping up. Wow, I'm amazing. If only people gave out awards. Uh I'll order a fake one from Amazon later. Good, that's decided. So Connor and I could go to a store and buy all the stuff I need, then we can have it delivered here. Okay, solid plan.
Could you also do our food shopping while you're at it? I haven't got around to it. I'm lazy. Sure. Is there anything else? No, that's it. I better head off and get some sleep. Good day tomorrow. Bye. I pick up my jacket and I look to head off. Or you could sleep here. Wink. Sorry. That was meant to be a wink. Damn, why aren't I winking better? I walk up to Beth and I kiss her on the cheek. I need this to go slowly. We'll get there. But not now. So you're confessing to being gay?
I want to treat you with respect and be a gentleman about it. Good night. You didn't answer my question, are you or aren't you? I walk to the door, laughing. The following day I knocked on Vinny's apartment door. It's open. I open the door and walk in to find boxes covering the open spaces. Connor who has a jaunty scarf over his neck stands looking sad and miserable. Connor is Vinny's son from his first marriage with Michelle. Vinny was married to the then model back in the eighties.
This model would go uh later on to be his chef at his restaurant, and then carn him out of his life, saving with the help of Vinny's best friend, Roman. Michelle and Roman escaped to Italy to start a new life, but while in Italy, Roman got killed in a gang related incident. Michelle came back to America, begging Vinny to take her back. Michelle had little Connor with her, and she told Vinny that the kid was his son. Vinny didn't believe a word of it.
So Vinny rejected Michelle and had her arrested for fraud. Michelle's case didn't go forward due to lack of evidence, so she was released from jail. She soon moved to Canada to live with her mom. About a year later, Michelle died in a car crash. She had Connor in the back seat. The police took Connor into custody. They got Connor's birth certificate and traced him back to Vinny. Vinny got a day and night test done, revealing he actually was Connor's father.
However, there was a contest in the custody battle for him. Michelle's parents won in custody of Connor, but Vinny won in the end. It's been over thirty years, and Vinny's raised Connor on his own for that amount of time. Both Vinny and Connor have had a lot of ups and downs, however, they've always cared about each other. So I thought until I saw the boxes and Connor's teary face. Hey, welcome home, stranger. Uh how many people did you murder? Is it as many as my dad murders with a stare?
No, I'm not that much of a killin' machine yet. Thank you for the welcome, by the way. What's going on? Are you moving out? I have no option but to. The man is a monster in disguise. I hate him with all my guts. You know it's a weird thing, but every member of our family says that about each other a lot. We've got to learn to uh love in this family. Listen, uh I don't need a lecture. Sorry. What's Vinnie done? Murdered Kurt for kissing you at his restaurant. No?
And he'd so do that to Kurt if we kissed her. Ah, God, I wish he never made me. Really? No, I'm glad he did. Life is more enjoyable with me around. Simply is. I'm Wonder Man. You can say that again. See, that's why I love ya. You get me. Why can't my dad get me too? What's Vinny done now? Nothing that he hasn't done before. I just refuse to sit by and let him continue to manipulate me. Talk to me. Let me help. You can't, David. I throw my hands in the air to surrender.
Well anyway, if you want my dad, he's on a date with one of his floozies. Let's hope he gets a disease and fucking dies. Hey, uh, I need your help with something meaningful. I haven't got the time. I have to meet Kurt, we're trying for a baby. I'm confused for a second. Then I realize my cousin's messing with my head. Oh funny. You should know that if there was a possibility of gays being able to produce babies, I'd support it. Oh, good to know. That's one new my full attention.
What do you want? I need to know all about Star Wars. Damn it, Trek. Star Trek. Why do I keep messing that up? You should never confuse the two. The geek community have a natural tendency to get upset when you do that. Yeah, that's what I'm finding out. Well, that's good. Cause my boyfriend is a Star Wars fan, and I've way too many fights over the debate. I've come close to suicide, you know, real close. Uh yeah, anyway, my son hates me for mistaking the two.
Oh, I heard about you spreading your seed around. Luke, is it? He sounds manly and robust. Not at all like his father, unfortunately. Uh I'm in the army. Last I heard you were for me army officer. So it doesn't count. Anyway, could you teach me all you know about Star Trek and later help me pick out which toys I should buy him? Uh yeah, sure. Hang on. How many people do you know that have my level of expertise? No one. Why? I need to take advantage of my generosity by asking you for a favor.
You know, if you were in the minority, I'd walk out. Oh thanks. My dad refuses to accept me and Kurt. We've been talking about it for three months and he still refuses to accept us as a couple. I think maybe he's a homophobe. Uh get a new girlfriend. Problem solved. Gonna smacks me on the arm. You and I know that's not possible. Okay, but I think I once heard uh him say that he liked Kurt. Really? When? I don't know. Might have been a dream. Vinny never says nice things about anyone.
Look, listen. I won't lose Kurt. But I also don't want to lose my dad. He needs to accept us or or I don't think I'll ever be happy. So you're allowed to roll your eyes if you want. I'll be kind by not doing it in front of you. My main concern is that Kurt and I are looking to adopt next year and get married, but unfortunately, Dad's been forcing us to delay our plans. Well why do you need his approval? I thought gays had legal rights and everything.
Isn't that the official message of the pride parades? Or has that message been lost in translation? It hasn't. We need my dad's approval because the adoption agency will interview him. How do we show them we're good people if the most integral member of a family hates one of us? Listen, I'm sure Vinny doesn't hate Kurt. He's just old school. You do know he's Italian, right? Oh, you don't say. Plus he's a Catholic and all that jazz.
Just give him a little more time, he'll eventually have to warm up to Kurt. I know it. Alright, that's a lie. I don't know, he's a dick. Kurt and I haven't got the time. Look, we both know if the adoption agency interviews Dad and he says something wrong about Kurt, it's challenger exploding in the sky. Shrek losin' Princess Fiona, or I actually can't think of any more right now. So it could ruin your chances to adopt. Not just in this part of town, but the whole state. We could lose everything.
I'm not losing my chance to be a dad. Well you won't. But are you sure it's clever for me to talk to Vinny? You know, 'cause he never listens to me. You have to try, David. We need your help so much, please. All right, all right. I'll talk to Beth. She's a lawyer. If anyone's capable of getting through to Vinny, it's her. I'll get her to talk since to your dad. How much time do I have? I can delay moving out for another day, but it needs to be done in that time, all right? Eh leave it to me.
I got it. Great. Now take a seat in front of my laptop and your Star Trek education will begin in two minutes after I use the restroom. Help yourself to my dad's expensive scotch. I won't grasp on you, I promise. I laugh, and I head off to Vinny's drink station. There's a text on Connor's phone. I glance at it and it's Vinny. He's complaining about how Kurt just embarrassed him in front of his friends by asking how he is. Message goes on to say how Vinny hated the experience.
Okay. Vinny one, that man loves your son. Two, Kurt's not done anything out of the ordinary, he's being nice. Three, that's a quality of man your son deserves in his life. I don't know how fucked Vinny is right now. But I'm gonna get to the bottom of this fucked up charade to make sure he never disrespects his family again. Vinny needs to learn the values of what it means to have a family. Family matters. And whether he likes it or not, Kurt is family.
Vinny needs to accept that, or I'm afraid he could lose Connor. I'd be damned if I'm the only one who sees that and doesn't act upon what I know. It's time to get to work and deal with this matter head on. It's time for the healing process to begin. There's more to come of Military Guy. Follow that love podcast on your favorite podcast app to get future episodes as soon as they drop. And if you love the podcast, well, please share it with your friends and your family. Thank you.
Join us in the next episode of Military Guy, when David and his family finally confront Vinny. Plus, there's a surprise in store for David when Luke reveals his new fan status.