I don't want to do this.
Yeah, and I didn't want to come all the way here for the sights, Dick.
Why did you come?
To get front row seats for this train wreck of an event. Why else, jackass?
Look, we talked and she made it clear it was over. This is only gonna be agony for me.
Oh, then this trip will definitely be worthwhile.
Look, I need to go back home and just forget her.
You could do that. Where would I get my fun from? Where will I get the source to make fun of you? It's not only your happiness on the line here, bud.
You're a You're a great. I've run out of ways of calling you a dick.
You need to fight for her. I wouldn't be the bud I am today if I let your relationship die.
I mean, I'd welcome it, but But what?
I have no butt. I need it to die. I need to be the only one in our friend's circle to have a good girlfriend.
This is a mistake.
Look, in all seriousness, that said, I doubt I will be. It is me, after all. What's your point? I don't think there was one. Unbelievable. Got it. You haven't spoken for three days. You've been avoiding the talk. The longer you avoid each other, the further you pull apart. And I lose my feeling of joy at watching your life die. I can't risk it.
Why are you even doing this? I know you. You don't have the spirit to be whatever it is you're doing right here. What's your angle?
Mama June's precious little boy and my best friend. I don't need an excuse to help you. That said, what would be valuable in this situation?
Bro, I know you. You never do anything, anything, unless there's something in it for you.
Mama's worried and she asked me to fix this for you. And in return, I get permission to marry Terry.
Seriously? You want to marry Terry? No, no, no, wait. Hold on. You think Terry will marry your broke ass? Oh my god, it's comedy central in London today.
But my heart beats for her. And if you tell anyone outside the two of us I said that, I will kill you. I mean it, dummy!
I get it, Dick. Look, can you promise not to make things worse for Scarlet and me? It's fragile.
I won't, I think. I'm tempted to because of my character, but I'll really try not to.
What the hell do you want?
This is a mistake.
Oh Mark! Wait! I didn't see you. Um sorry for my tone. It's uh good to see you.
Oh Yuho, can we get the focus back on me? I need to fix this for you. Now tell me how to do that. I'll be on my way back to uh America.
I'm actually late for work.
Can we speed this up a bit? Well, take some time. We've come all this way with Dan singing. Oops, I did it again on a fucking loop.
Hey, you promise not to tell a soul.
Yeah, well, I lied. I sent about 50 texts to our old college pals, and they're all talking trash about you.
You know you loved my singing, and so did everyone else on that plane.
If that's true, then why the hell did that priest threaten to kill you? Let's cut to the chase. You're both here to find out why I ended things. Nope. We came to pay you off so you never go near me again.
I mean, would that work? I ain't really bothered if y'all work this out, which make my job much more manageable.
How?
You're right. It wouldn't I think enjoy was the word I was looking for there.
Won't you tell Dan what you did? I gave Mark an ultimatum to live in London, or it would be over.
And I told Scarlet this could work without us needing to completely change our lives.
You believe that bullshit, don't you?
Yeah, dumbass, I do. If we spoke to our bosses, we could have spent six months living in each other's cities.
Oh, so why didn't you go for that, Scarlett? This drama is exciting.
Because I don't have to tell you. Cause deep down she's worried we're rushing things, and she's not ready to commit to this on the same level I am.
Damn. Seems to me like Mark's the only one really interested in this relationship, Scarlet.
Bro, come on.
Scarlet, that's your cue to say so. So I can laugh in his face. I'm gonna have to make this very loud and very annoying.
No! No. It's been nine weeks since he first showed up on my doorstep. And I'm why would we might wreck things if we move on to the next step too fast?
Well, I don't really think it's moving too fast if you really love someone. And she doesn't. I knew it!
Oh, this is fun.
Shut up! I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna kill you, Dan!
Hey, hey, I'm only speaking your truth.
Mark, it's too much of a big decision to make.
I see both points clearly.
How about you offer us some advice for a change instead of running your mouth off like a dick?
Oh, but you love it when I mouth off. You're changing, and it's Scarlet's fault.
Bro, seriously, why are you even here?
To enjoy this sh comedy showcase, duh. Look, Mark, you love Scarlet.
I do, despite me hating that I do.
And you love Mark, don't you, Scarlet?
Not after that last comment, I don't.
Guys, when it comes down to it, love trumps over any doubts you might have.
Oh, that's actually smart. Did Dan have the world's first brain transplant?
No. I read books.
You read? You, Dan. Read?
Hey now? I I didn't come here to be insulted.
No, seriously. You read.
Hey, this is meeting me for no reason, and I won't stand for it. I am an intellect.
The only thing he reads is a magazine with playboy logos attached to it.
Oh see that you you you've made her sick.
No. It's not that. Are you alright?
I've been feeling a bit under the weather for the last What's that about?
You won't like 'em, I guess.
She's been food poison?
No, dumbass. Think harder.
Just spell it out.
She's got your sperm in her belly.
You're still not making any sense here.
Oh my god, she's pregnant, dumbass.
Oh, and that's the real reason why she wanted to end it. It's not my baby.
Oh boy. I'm gonna have to let this run for a little bit, I think.
Whose is it? Who's what? Who's the father of the baby you're carrying? Uh I'm not carrying a baby. Then why are you sick all of a sudden? I don't know. Scarlett, have you had a pregnancy test? Wait. You think I'm pregnant?
That's hilarious and very frightening. Have you done the test? No, because I'm not pregnant!
Unless Here we go. My works are about to fly.
I mean could I be? I mean no. Surely not.
It's about to fly any minute now. Oh, there it is.
We used protection! Oh yeah, sure you did. Mark, you were in charge of that department.
Don't tell me we not all the time.
Oh absolute ranker! How could you? That's Mark's nickname.
Absolute wanker. Look, look, look, it could be false. Let's just take the test and find out. Dan, can you go buy us a test?
And miss your argument? I don't think so.
Dan, I need you to go, please. Pharmacy on the high road. It's about a 12-minute walk. No, it's more likely 20 minutes on the left side of the road. Yeah, that's that's the one I mean.
There's a game afoot here.
Just go.
We've got 15 minutes. That's long enough. Oh, you're such a gentleman.
That's true.
Well, alright. How terrible was he?
We didn't do anything. Ow. That's painful for a man to hear. Shh! He bought it.
Seriously? You think so?
Not anymore.
I got the test. How would you like to proceed?
Um she's confessed already. She did the test a couple of days ago and her period is.
Whoa. Cut to the chase.
We think it might be the P word. Anyway, she told you to get the test so Scarlett and I could discuss the situation rationally, you know, like adults do.
Anyway, I can officially confirm there's a baby on board.
And I get to be its uncle.
We haven't made that decision yet, and honestly, I'd choose an axe murderer before I would choose you. Mark, come on.
That's very impolite. Uh yeah, but he's right. I would too, sorry.
You two make me sick.
Aw, those words make us so proud.
Alright. So what happens to the relationship?
Um, well, I don't want it to end. I don't either. I hate flying. Me too. So, I think the sensible thing for us to do is to do the six-month thing. I agree.
Will your boss let you do it?
I think so. I hope so. I'll call him in my bedroom. Um, Mark, why don't you help me uh dial?
You two are really filthy.
Dude, I've heard stories about you and my sister. You're fucked up too.
Yeah, that's true. You carry on. He didn't go for it. I knew it. Oh well, I guess this is over. People be crazy and all that jazz or boom.
Actually, my boss offered me a twelve-month contract for six months in the UK and six months in Texas. But I have to fly to Texas tonight. He's booked my flights.
Oh yes. Why? And where's Mark?
He's jet lagged. He fell asleep before I could tell him.
Hey, I'm a man and I never say these words in front of another dude. But I'm so happy for you. I genuinely mean that.
I'm happy too.
Have you had a scan yet?
Oh, not yet, but we'll soon. Are you sure about all this? He's the man of my dreams. I love him.
I'm so glad to hear that. I'm not nearly as sweet as Mark, am I?
Uh sadly you're not. I can't believe I'm moving to Texas!
Looks like it. And I'm about to be an uncle. Are we really sure this is wise? Yes!
But I'm so young to be an uncle.
I love him. I'd do anything to be with him. Anything. Even be your friend. And I really thought that was impossible.
Hey. There's only one clown allowed in our friendship group.
This is what I really want.
And it looks like you'll have it.
I am so happy.
Well then hell, I guess I'm happy for you too.
Thank you, Dan. For well, everything.
Hey. It's my pleasure. I I'm not sure what I did, but it's my pleasure anyhow.
You're great.
Yeah, sure.
I mean it.
No, you're the first and probably the last person to say that about me, so I'll take it.