Do you like being here in Texas?
It's great being here.
Did Dan Crack make a joke at your expense or something? Because if he did, I'd wring his neck. If he didn't? Well, not as of yet anyway.
Feel free to do so when he does.
Look, whatever's bothering you, we'll sort it out when I get there. I'm in the car.
Does your mum hate me?
Wait, hold on. Sor sorry, I lost connection.
Can you repeat what you said? Uh oh, it it doesn't matter. We'll talk later.
I like you.
Yeah, yeah. Don't you like me back? Just focus on the road. Could you say it back? I'm feeling anxious. I will when you get here. I'm starting to sweat. I really need you to say it. Fine. I love you back.
You weren't expecting that, were you? Love? I only committed to us because I had it on good authority that we would never reach that echelon. How dare you, doot me? Just get here, you twerp. Drive safely, please. Uh after that, I guess I love you back. I mean, I don't feel it, but I think I do. Somehow. Chuck. I do. I do too. See you in a bit. Bye, loser. Bye, Bane of my life.
Alright. You got me here. What did you want to talk to me about? Because I've got a list of subjects and it's mostly about your sex life. How good or bad is it?
Well, I have a subject in mind.
My subjects matter more. Is the sex terrible or is it horrendous? It's the latter, isn't it? Blink once if it is.
I will slap you, you know. Mark may go easy on you, but I don't take prisoners.
Fine. I'm attracted to you too. But it would be wrong. Mark's my best friend.
Oh, that's not why I'm here with you. Hang on. I knew it. It's not that. It's a thought of us having sex. It circles my mind, and it feels like my head is in a fisherman's armpit. Oh God!
Well, don't be so quick to rule out the notion. I am the king of sex. Hasn't Mark a cat told you that yet?
You're getting on my last nerves.
Fine, fine, we'll do it. But uh I'd have to pick out the nightgown. That's my only term. This yours referred to being spanked on Listen very carefully, Dan.
I'm not attracted to you. I will never be attracted to you. And if you were the last man, I'd kill you so that I could get some well-deserved peace. You got that, idiot?
Jesus. Okay. Sorry for thinking I was the sexiest man you ever met. And deep down inside, we both know I am.
Something's troubling me.
Mark's sister is a bitch to everyone. I mean, even to me, and I rock her world every night without fail.
Oh, please stop talking.
Fine. What's troubling you?
I'm scared that Mark's mum didn't like me.
What gives you that idea? And just so you know, this is cute and entertaining.
I just got that vibe from her.
Yeah, I got that vibe too. But I wouldn't read too much into it. Mark's mum is that old school type of mom. Only cares about sucking the life out of people.
Do you know why she dislikes me?
No, I don't. And I don't think it's a big deal. You shouldn't worry about it. There's other moms out there that would appreciate you.
Like who exactly?
Well, mine. That's my attempt to express that I'd very much dump Terry for you.
You know why she hates me, don't you?
She doesn't hate you. And I th I think she thinks you're great. I think. I tend to avoid her like the plague, so who really knows?
I came all the way here because I wanted to get his family to like me. That was my main goal for coming here.
They probably do. Mark's grandma talked a lot of good shit about you. Again, I think. Her teeth were in her mouth, so uh that she might have been gibberin' shite about you. Who the hell knows or cares?
Well what good shit about me?
Like like boy, I don't have a clue. We Texas folks tend not to listen too much. We're the type that fired first and asked questions later. Oh, I love us.
I've got three hours here before my flight to the UK. I need to get them to like me.
Or what? You'll harm yourself? I know just the right rope for that.
Or I fear Mark might not want to see me again.
So, if that happens, he might not go to London to live with you. And my buddy stays where I can easily carry mom pissing him off. It looks like it. Scarlet, I've got some bad news. I want Mark to stay here so that I can turn that thought into reality. I'm sorry.
I could lose him.
Fine, fine. I'll find it in my heart to overlook my wishes. You're not helping. Look, Mark said to me how much he hates your laugh. Now who's not helping you? You're still doing the opposite of that. I mean, I don't even know what he sees. You're not even Adele pretty.
I suppose I can't make his family like me. He won't want to see me again, will he?
Reconciliate, and Mark adores you. He's always talking you up to his friends. Anytime I say something negative to him about you, and I do that a lot, in a flash, he's the first to tell me to shut up. Last week when I told him I wanted to take you out alone, he threatened me with a hit job.
You've completely lost me.
He bloody loves you, woman. He'd do anything to protect your girly fucked up feelings. I mean, how stupid is he to care so much? What a dumbass.
Oh.
He's smitten. Trust me, I've tried some many times to get rid of you from his head, but nothing works. Like an earworm in his fucked up brain. I fucking hate that.
Huh, I guess I knew he was smitten, but his family might still hate me.
Listen, I'll text his sister Terry and ask her what she thinks of you. Huh. She wrote she okay, but I hope you ain't trying shit with her or you're a dead man. There's a lot of pistol emojis here. Please ignore that.
And okay is good in your vocabulary?
Yes, you're fine. Terry likes you, which probably means Mark and Terry's mom like you too. They're like two magnets.
Oh god. I was anxious.
Now, on the other hand, I'm not convinced you're good enough for my pal. What are your plans for him?
I plan to keep dating Mark and to keep you at arm's distance at every point of my life. How does that sound?
You live in London. He lives here. I don't want you taking Mark away from me. I'm not taking him away. So then you're gonna keep blowing Mark's money on plane tickets? We need that money for beer, Scarlet. Beer! I don't need you to get involved in my relationship, Dan. It's something you two need to talk about sooner rather than later. Or it fails and I win. Wait, I'm clueless as to why I'm trying to help you. I'll stop doing that. We will talk about it in due course.
Scarlet, this needs to be dealt with soon.
And it will.
Shh When?
Look, I don't know. It just will.
Alright, alright. I'm sorry for pushing you, but there's going to be a point in the future where you'll have this discussion with Mark. I need you to prepare for it. So you don't hurt my pal. And as I say that, I sound like the Mark version of a dick. Whoa.
Aww, you love him.
No.
Yes, you do. You want Mark to be happy. And you're scared I could hurt him.
No, I'm not. But are you sure you won't?
Yeah, I am. What we have is profound. Nothing, including you, will change that.
Well, I'm glad to hear that. Now it's a custom for visitors of this town to buy everyone in this bar beers. Please do it.
Hey guys, sorry I'm late. Work ran late. Have you been here long?
Oh yes. Don't worry. I have said many fucked up things that will make Scarlet run a mile after today. You're very welcome.
Scarlett, you sounded a bit off on the phone. Is everything cool?
Yeah. I was just getting some weird thoughts. Uh, but Dan here has helped me to relieve them.
Really? Don't be surprised. I might be a dick to you all the time, but that doesn't mean I don't want you to be happy. But wait, hold on. Do I? That sounds unnatural coming out of my lips. Yeah, you better ignore that, guys.
Well, I'm glad and a little surprised that he's showing me he has a heart. I thought that was dead a long time ago.
Well, listening to a Dale does wonders for me. I I mean.
We heard it. You can't take it back.
Sparla has a question for you.
Uh do I? Does she?
You two don't keep secrets from each other. I might do that with Terry, but I'd be damned if you follow suit.
What was the question?
Does your mom like me?
I knew it. Relax, relax. She doesn't like anyone. Even me. And I'm her son.
Or me. And I'll rock her daughter's P word.
Bro, come on, she's a lady.
So, um, I gotta stop my man talk because of that. You two won't change me.
Mark, I call you that to my friends back home, so it's all right with me.
Hang on, I won't have you disrespect my buddy, despite me hoping you'll continue so if he leaves you.
Look, it takes my mom time to adjust to people, but trust me, she's okay with our thing. I know it.
What does she like about her, you know? So I can copy it and try to make her like me too.
Well, she likes the fact that you can cook. Why? Because she knows I can't. So it's good for her to know that someone's out there looking up for me.
You're doing the cooking in our relationship. That was a sad attempt for you to get me to be your slave, and it hasn't worked.
Damn it. Well, be prepared to be poisoned a lot.
She likes the fact that you know yourself and have a strong opinion about things. What? She told me that last night at dinner. So why couldn't you have just told me that earlier? Well, because I'm a dick who likes to build up drama. Didn't you know that already?
Hey, uh, bro, can you give us a second private?
I need to meet up with Terry anyway. I'll see you at the airport, Scarlet. Here are five condoms. Do something magical before she leaves your ass for good.
Oh, he's a Yeah, it it goes without saying. My mom loves you. What? She heard you talking to Terry and later she said that you were everything I should have in my life. Oh, and do you agree? Nope. Ha ha. I'm not funny, am I? Um, yeah, I agree with her. You are a star on a cloudless night, a kiss on the forehead when I'm sick, and a tedious thing I say to get sex. Thank you.
Um earlier today you said you'd uh book to a hotel for us to be alone.
I did. Um do you still want to go? I mean there's no pressure from me. We can wait. I want to do it. Okay. Me too. I mean, so desperate. You look stunning. I feel like I could rip You sound just a bit creepy there, Mark. Yeah. Yeah, sorry. I'm I'm uh bad at this. So shall we? Yeah. Let me just finish my drink first. Fuck the drink.
Let's get me sexed up.