Purple Rain — Episode Five

It's been a week since Olivia and I ended things. It's been the most challenging week of my entire life. Keep thinking about her. Keep thinking about what a giant son of a bitch I am. Hey, those are the more amicable terms I have for myself, by the way. I have worse, which I won't repeat for the sake of your ears. So desperate to have her back, but every time I pick up the phone to call her, my mind says, You can't have her back until you learn to trust her again. And it's right. I can't.

Oh.

Then I very much am sad. I laugh.

Why do you look like a loner about to develop crazy thoughts that lead him to become a mass murderer?

Is your mind universal?

Who's Penny? I thought I was insulting you here. Why change the subject?

This chat has to go into the top ten of our best talks. Do you have any more insults for me there?

Your hairstyle looks like it's from the 90s. It's Ricky Martin kinda gay.

Do you want to tell me what you want?

I came here to update you on Olivia.

Oh.

Oh, I think you will.

How did you even know I'd be here?

Olivia might have mentioned you like to eat here every Friday night alone because you have no friends. Obviously, that's true.

Do, don't I? Look like a punching bag to you.

Do you want to hear the update or not?

No. Away.

I'm telling you anyway. Olivia's going on a date. The guy looks like a twin of Brad Pitt. He's so buff. Sadly, she couldn't get you to be the same shape as him.

Okay, so you do see me as a punching bag. Say it's vexing, but But what? The fact that you're not out with friends on a Friday night suggests that the world thinks you're irritating too.

I'm telling you this because she doesn't want to go on a date.

Well, I was special to her.

You are more like a spider that got into her ear and laid eggs in her brain, which infected her brain functions.

Or that.

I think Olivia's gonna go on a date because she's lonely and she can't face up to thinking about you anymore.

Oh. Kind of supports my unique assumption, would you not say?

Can you be serious here? Fine.

There, I said it.

No one would have guessed that. Thanks. I think Olivia still loves you.

How do you know for sure?

The woman's intuition.

Can't change what's happened. Can't trust Olivia, and she can't accept that. I know. There's nothing I can do about it. Right. You want me to do something to win her back, don't you?

Hey, look at that. You're not as dumb as I thought you were. That's like a scientific breakthrough to me.

I like you less and less as the seconds pass by. Please know that and change.

Look, she doesn't care about the trust thing anymore. At this point, all Olivia wants is to be next to you and hold you like a teddy bear. A teddy bear because you have the same shape as one. Do I? Please don't say you don't notice it too. Come on, Harrison. Where are your glasses? You're blind here. Put them on for God's sakes.

That's shaming. For reasons I hate you.

So, do you think you can take her back?

Want to. We're just going in circles. Livia and I can't be together.

Okay, I'm stealing your friisen burger.

Gwen is eating my dinner.

Seriously, you have a handsome face, but your body is like what?

Gwen does a face.

Cody? Hey, you said it, so it can't be body shaming. I win the argument.

I shake my head. Man and woman walk into the restaurant. It's Olivia and a handsome man. Man is tall. He's dressed in an expensive suit. Looks like a Gucci suit. Man has beach-like hair. Also tanned. Bears a close resemblance to Ken from Barbie and Ken. She's simply perfection. Why is Olivia dating her man here?

Olivia's dating him here because I told her you were out of town and I wanted you to get jealous and know what you gave up.

Settled.

I know how horrible I am. It's the number one negative feedback from my exes.

Well, I feel sorry for them. And also, you should know I'm going to set up a club for us so we can band together and hate you as you do with us. Livy is shown to her table. She sees Gwen and me and looks surprised. She runs into her dates back and apologizes. I lock eyes, and I force myself to look away.

Seriously, you dated that guy. What made you do it? He's got like no biceps.

No, he hasn't. Let's not talk about him.

Is he funny? I mean, from this position, I could see why you'd think he was funny to look at, but he seems like a dick.

Well, he's not the only one with those traits, so can we focus on ourselves?

Right. How attracted are you to me?

On a scale of one to ten?

Yes. Ten being very attracted. But hint is only one correct answer.

Oh, then I give you a ten.

I knew it! I just knew it. Did I doubt myself? I'm stupid sometimes.

What attracted you to me?

It'll take a beat to think.

Surely there's something about me.

You'd think. Know what? Circle that and come back to it later.

Okay, well, so that you know, this date is going perfectly. Thank you.

Right. We're great together. Oh, I've been working on something special.

Oh, at work? I thought you flipped burgers for a living.

No, I don't work. I have wealthy parents.

Okay, then what were you working on? Because clearly it's not your dating technique. A technique is diseased.

I was working on my biceps. You wanna feel them? Maybe kiss them? Hang on, let me warm them up first. Itchell kisses his biceps.

You know what? I don't kiss men's biceps on the first date. It's a rule.

Oh, ought to be word for saying that.

What?

I'm kidding, your face. Are we splitting the bill? This menu's a bit out of my price range. That's one pricey soup.

Olivia bangs her head on the table.

Looks like it's going well.

Trust me, it's not. Mitchell is a grade A dick.

Oh, he must have fallen off the same tree as you.

Right, we're funny.

How do you know he's a dick? What even attracted Olivia to him?

Nothing. It's a blind date. I set it up.

You set Olivia up with a dick.

Yeah, on purpose. Do you have memory issues? There's never any lies coming out of these lips. Why did you do it? So she realizes how bad the dating pool is and races back into your arms. I have your back jerk. You're welcome.

That's not fair on Olivia.

What's not fair is Olivia's throwing away the best relationship of her life. Not that you being in it makes it suitable for that category.

Thanks. Words are like hugs to me.

Oh, I've got a great idea.

Have those? Do you have a brain transplant I didn't know about? Dick.

Let's pretend to be on a date.

Out. Suddenly, I'm feeling suicidal.

It's a good idea. I've suggested it so we can make your ex jealous. Plus, I've got an acting audition next week, and I'm meant to be playing a loved up girl. So I could use the practice. What do you say?

Um no. Gwen takes out her phone. She sends a quick message. Beat later. Get a text from Olivia. Livia's just texted me.

Oh really? What did she say?

Let's see. Olivia wants to know what we're doing here together. Did I tell her?

It's a bit obvious you shouldn't. So let her sweat for a while. It's fun that way.

I'm walking over there and telling her nothing is going on. I can't let her cut into my beefsteak.

Do you want her back?

That's like asking me if I want to eat meat again. Of course I want Olivia back. Take a bite of my steak. No, it won't work. No amount of persuading is gonna change that. Olivia laughs out loud. Then she checks if I'm staring. Okay, fine. I'll do it.

You do know that I'm gonna need to kiss you on this assignment, right? How old are you, Gwen? I turned 18 last week.

You have an ID to prove that?

Jesus, I won't send you to jail.

ID, please. Gwen takes out her ID. Thanks. Okay. I wanna try it.

Good. Kiss me. What? I said kiss. You know what? Come here.

Gwen grabs my face and kisses it.

Livia's eating her dinner. Looks like your ex is on a date.

No, he isn't.

And why is he kissing dead woman?

What? Livia turns around to see Gwen kissing me. After a beat, she gets up and heads towards our table.

She's coming over. Oh, she looks mad. This is priceless. I'm gonna enjoy this.

Livia arrives.

What's going on? What does it look like? I'm on a date with my new man. You're 17, Gwen. You just turned 18. Sorry, I don't talk to jerks. Olivia, you're ruining our romantic date. Go back to your date. When did this thing start? Two days after you dumped him.

Bite my tongue as Olivia glares at me.

We had an I know we can't be together, but I still missed you sex that day. And it was during that sex session Harrison realized that the sex was better with me than you. So he raced over to me. You two had sex?

Yes, we have.

Aw, look, he's flushing. Okay. Harrison has a tattoo on his body, Gwen. Where is it located?

Don't answer that. Livia, ruining our night. Just about to sex it up in the men's toilet.

Where's the tattoo located, Gwen?

Gwen starts to panic.

Nice try. But if you think making me jealous will make me take Harrison back, then you're mistaken.

Livia takes off. I still love you. Livia stops in her tracks.

We're not doing this here.

I saw the pain etched on your face when Gwen said we were dating. Why was the pain there if you don't still care?

I. Of course I care. Feelings linger in my head. Then get back together with him. If it were that simple, it would be sealed already. But it's not, is it?

What if I said it was simple?

You'd be talking out of your ass.

Okay. What if I said every second I'm away from you feels like I have a hole in my heart? Pit filled with pain.

I'd feel like buying a knife so I can make the hole wider.

What if I said my heart aches every time I hear the pain in your voice because of what I did to you? I'd do anything, get you to forgive me.

Really? Then drop dead and die. Goodbye.

Levia walks off. I'm shattered, heartbroken, sick to my stomach. I hurt all over my body. I've lost her. After a beat, tears spill out of my eyes.

This is heartache.

Livia walks over to her table.

Mitchell laughs. Wow, you made that guy cry hard.

Let's not talk about him.

His girlfriend doesn't look too happy. Coming over. Abe, if a fight erupts, you're on your own. I'm running away. Gwen walks over.

You need to apologize right now.

Mitchell gets up and looks to leave. I need the bathroom. Mitchell gets up and exits. He takes his jacket.

For what? You need to apologize for wishing for Harrison to die. He's broken. I'm close to getting a therapist to talk him down from committing suicide. It's serious.

Mitchell leaves the building. I spot him. And he's running out of here. Back at Olivia's table.

Gwen, I was on a date. I don't care. You have to apologize now, or I give Harrison the moral high ground and you never get back together. Oh yeah. And what moral high ground is that exactly? The moral high ground of you kissing your ex after the second date with Harrison. I don't know what he came to the library. I took a picture.

Walk over. And I know about that.

No, I didn't cheat on you. It was an innocent kiss. Twenty minutes after your date ended. How did you even find out?

Ben wanted an Instagram photo. Saw it on her photo album.

Hence, Harrison developed his trust issues, which caused you to break up. Jesus. This whole thing was my fault. You don't say. Fix the shit out of this.

Gwen gets up and goes back to her table.

Olivia sat down. I stay standing.

It was an innocent kiss.

So you've said.

I would never willingly jeopardize what we had. You mean so much to me.

I get that. Written all over your face, and what? I realize a genuine relationship is with someone who accepts the past, supports the present, and encourages the future. Okay, so what are you saying? I can't change the past. Can only live in the present, hoping my future is bright. That future only has you in it. So I can't see another soul beside me. Why? Why me? I've chosen you because true love is like a ghost, which everyone talks about and few have seen. Guess what? I see it in you.

Will you be able to trust me from now on? That depends on whether he gets a face transplant to make him look like Matt Damon. If he does, it's bye-bye.

I hate you.

I'm kidding. You need a sense of humor.

Oh, thank God. Down on one knee and pull out a ring. Livia screams. Harrison, what are you doing? A ring should make that clear to you.

Oh, God.

Livia something. Can't for the love of Jesus remember your last name. Anyway, will you do me the honor of marrying me? Maybe. What do you mean, maybe?

We've got a lot of talking to do. So I don't want to commit until we iron things out.

Thanks for spoiling my proposal.

When did you even buy that ring?

Day after we ended things. I don't know. Had this mad notion that I could win you back. I don't know why.

I know.

Take a seat at the table. Whatever you know, I need to hear it.

I know that a true love story never has endings. It's everlasting.

Think for a beat and nod my head.

Yeah.

I agree. You both laugh. After a beat, I kiss Olivia.