Arlo and I are jogging along the picturesque Butterfly Beach, which is located in the charming town of Montecito, California. The beach is a bustling hub of activity with people of all ages enjoying the warm sand and crystal clear waters. Arlo and I have been laughing and chatting, enjoying the stunning views of the ocean that stretched out before us. I'm not out of shape. I'm in shape! Give me a break. I'm doing my best here. My usual exercise routine involves lifting a spoon to my mouth.
Well, maybe you should try lifting something a little heavier. Like your sense of humor.
My sense of humor is so heavy it could crush you. I glare at Arlo. My breathing is really heavy.
You know, if you ate fewer cookies, you wouldn't be so out of breath.
Cookies are life, Arlo! You can't expect me to give up on life! Arlo shakes his head as we continue jogging. I spot Billy waiting for us on the beach. She has a determined look on her face. I'm sorry. I trip and fall by jogging, but quickly get back up.
Oh, you should never feel sorry about falling over. I mean, that was entertaining.
I glare at Arlo. I'm glad my pain is your entertainment. Arlo smirks. I meant I'm sorry for I gesture over to my sister Billy, who's running towards us.
Guys, wait up!
Why is your sister crashing our run?
Crashing? Max told me you'd where you'd be.
What do you want, Billy?
My portion of the money from that Barbara McTaylor movie deal. I've been talking to your mom, and she's like a brick wall. Well, you know what they say?
Apple doesn't fall far from the tree. What? You're not my agent or manager, Billy.
No, but I got you that meeting and convinced Barbara to hire you. And how did you manage that again? I saw her at my local spa and then harassed her until she let you audition for her movie. It was above waters. It seems like it. I did more than that. I was a major player in negotiating that deal. I deserve my share of the pie.
And I appreciate that. My mom is still my agent. She maintains that she played a similar role in securing the deal.
Arlo, I was in the room during the negotiations. If it wasn't for me, that 15 million paycheck would be nothing but a fantasy in your mind.
Again, I appreciate it, but my mom is my agent, and she's not obligated to give you any commission. It's out of my hands.
You know I deserve that money, Arlo.
Whether I do or don't, my mom is still my agent. I'm sorry.
That's not fair.
Yeah, tell to someone who cares.
Arlo, please, I need that money. Arlo avoids Billy's eyes. Yeah, we should have thought about that before you betrayed me. Arlo walks off, leaving Billy sad and angry.
Let's talk about that. How exactly did I betray you? Because I'm wrecking my head and I can't seem to find the answer to that question. So help me find it. Please.
How about we don't talk about this? Arlo takes off running.
Arlo, come on!
Arlo's gone. Max, I need that money. I know. Mom's on my case to help you out. She's tired of your interruptions during her um alone time with George.
Well, maybe if George wasn't around so much, I wouldn't have to interrupt.
I put my hands on Billy's shoulders. Let's catch up with Arlo. Maybe we can sort things out and get your your money. Billy smiles.
Thanks, Max. Arlo is sitting down shirtless.
He's reading a script. Billy and I let ourselves in. Arlo shakes his head.
Finally, the fan club arrives. What's the occasion? Autographs, selfies, personal messages.
Shut the crap, Arlo. I want my money.
Yeah, again. Talk to my mom.
She's refusing to take my calls, Arlo. I need that check, and I need it today.
Oh, today? Oh, well then I guess I'll just have to cancel my plans to buy that private jet, then. Why do you need it today? I just I just need it. Ah, the classic I just need it argument. Reminds me of my last relationship.
Arlo puts away his script. He walks over to his dining table and picks up a checkbook. He writes Billy a check and then goes to hand it to Billy. But then changes his mind.
What? Fork it over. I just realized why you need the money. I got a suspicious call yesterday.
Was it from the Nigerian Prince again? I mean, from who? It doesn't matter, just give it. Billy paces back and forth. Denise Watson. Denise Watson? The Denise who played your sister in that movie where she invented a machine that turns people into animals, and then she ate the husband she turned into a chicken. That, Denise?
Yeah, that's the that's the last time I let my mom choose the movies I act in. What did she want? Nothing at the time, or so I thought, but now that I think back on it, I think she did say something about Billy needing my help. Hmm. Expand on that for me. Well, Max, let's uh let's grab a whiteboard and start drawing out some conspiracy theories. Just talk, jackass. Alright, alright. Denise wanted me to help you, Billy. And she was quite adamant about it.
I guess she wants her cut of the d uh chicken. Billy glares at me. She said Billy would only have a day to pay up, or there'd be severe consequences.
Billy fights to grab the check, but I hold her back. Why do you need the money, Billy? It's not important. Can I just have it? Billy, if it's not that important, then can I have it instead? I've been eyeing that private jet Arlo mentioned earlier. Denise is blackmailing you, isn't she?
No, Arlo. She's just asking for a friendly favor.
Uh yes, the friendly favor of giving away all your money. Classic friendship move. Billy hangs her head and walks off.
As someone who's been around, I know firsthand about the dangers of blackmail Billy.
Billy goes into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water. Arlo and I follow her to the kitchen. What hold has she got on you? She doesn't. Just pay up, Arlo.
Billy, what hold? We can't help you if you're not willing to talk to us.
Denise has questionable photos of me and Ethan in bed together.
Well, Billy, you've really outdone yourself this time. Photos with Ethan in bed? What's next? A reality TV show? Yeah. I can see it now, Billy.
Keeping up with the Billy's. Billy stares out of the kitchen window. I'm confused to why Denise would do this. I'm guessing Denise wants revenge on Billy for stealing Ethan away from her.
Revenge? I didn't know we were living in a soap opera. Cue the dramatic music.
Hey, does anyone know Han Zimmer? Or better yet, is John Williams still available? I don't know why anybody would do this to my sister. She's literally a saint. Yes, Max, your sister is a literal saint. Well, except that little incident of sleeping with a man who had a girlfriend.
What did you see in that guy?
It's a bit obvious, but she likes the fact that he's the human embodiment of a dumpster fire. Isn't that right?
Listen, I thought he was cool. I thought he was thoughtful and caring.
Right, sure, because a man who hunts rhinos in South Africa for sport is caring and thoughtful.
Billy, next time you're looking for a caring and thoughtful guy, maybe check the zoo instead of the hunting grounds.
Ha ha. Clearly, I was wrong. Look, I just wanted him to be a virgin of Arlo. Obviously he wasn't, and I was wrong. I'm sorry.
Billy, I hate to break it to you, but there's only one Arlo in this world, and that's enough for everyone's sanity. Hey! You know I'm right. Still, cheap shot. I have feelings. Billy looks emotional. Oh, come here. Don't cry. I hug Billy for a beat. We need a plan to defeat this witch.
I just have to pay her.
So Denise has photos of you and Ethan naked together in bed, and she's threatening to put them on the internet.
Well, Billy, on the bright side, if those photos leak, you might just break the internet like Kim Kardashian did. I mean, hashtag goals, right? How much does she want from you? Billy shows Arlo and me the text.
She wants 50 grand from you. Yep. I'm fucked, aren't I? Looks like we need to start a GoFundMe page titled Help Billy Escape from the Clutches of Blackmail. ASAP.
Yeah, you are fucked. Good luck with it. Arlo walks off.
Arlo, don't make me bring you back here like my mom used to do to Billy and me.
Arlo is gone. Billy and I are on the couch.
Billy has tears streaking down her face. She's in a state.
You know what I realized? This is exactly the blackmail plot from the movie Denise and I worked on. Weird, right? It's like life imitating a not so great rom-com.
Yeah, because that's what's important here. Throw some solutions here. Billy wraps her arms around the pillow.
Alright, alright. I got some ideas brewing, but I need a few more details from you, Billy. What details do you need? You've been going on job interviews, right? Billy nods her head. Past Denise sent those employers copies of the racy photos to twist in the knife and ramp up the pressure?
Yeah. Arlo, we need a plan here. Not your commentary on the situation. Alright, alright.
Let's go to the chase and brainstorm a foolproof plan then. Alright, step one. Hire a team of ninja squirrels to retrieve the evidence. Just a first suggestion. You're one sarcastic comment away from getting punched in the balls. Alright, alright, fine. Let's get serious. Billy, can you get Ethan to talk Denise out of her blackmail plot?
Ethan and I aren't together anymore. He uh he cheated on me and we're not talking.
Oh, poor Billy. Another dream guy of hers lost to the dark side. Bravo for dating him, by the way. Not helpful, Arlo. I wasn't trying to be helpful. I was trying to mock her. I will punch you in your balls, you know that, right? Alright, alright. I'll stop. But okay, seriously. When do you need to hand her the money?
Denise wants it within the next 24 hours.
And have you had any communication with Denise, like through email or text?
Yeah, she's um she sent me both emails and text.
Hmm. In those emails, does she talk about blackmailing you?
Yeah, she does, but why does that matter?
Billy, you don't know? Cybercrime police are always on high alert for blackmailers anonymous. You know, those email chains that they sent out, it's their favorite pastime.
Arlo claps his hands together, grinning. Arlo takes out the check from his back pocket and rips it up. What's the solution? My sister needs that money. If she doesn't pay up, Denise will ruin her. Billy will never work again.
I know that. But I also know from experience that if someone does something like this, and you have evidence to suggest they've committed the crime. You what? What do you do? It's obvious. Challenge them to a dance off. Trust me, nothing diffuses a blackmail situation like some killer dance moves. Arlo takes out his cell phone and looks at us.
Arlo! Relax. I have a plan. Arlo, what are you up to?
Don't go anywhere. Don't respond to any of Denise's messages. Just give me half an hour to deal with this issue. Alright?
Arlo heads towards his office door. He opens it and enters. Billy and I look confused. Don't worry, Billy. Arlo has this situation under control. He's just heading to his office to whip up some magical solution to this problem. Arlo sits at his desk, attempting to balance a pencil on his nose. Billy knocks on his door. Come on in, unless you're bringing more pencils for me to balance.
Bailey enters.
No. Just my charming presence.
Ah, yes, it's the power of charm. Say he can move mountains, but I'm still waiting for it to clean up my messy apartment.
Billy rolls her eyes. Um is Max still around?
No, he had to go pick up your sister from work. I'm nervous to ask, but have you made a headway in this case, Saul Goodman?
Arlo drops the pencil. Yeah.
Shoot. Um well yes, Saul has, but it seems my nose has not.
Did you know that the world record for pencil balancing is over two hours? If you're not careful, you might end up being famous for all the wrong reasons.
Well, if pencil balancing becomes an Olympic sport, I guess I'll be the first one to bring home the gold medal for most persistent nose balancer.
Well, at least it would make for a great party trick. That's if you actually got invited to parties. No one seems to like you. Should we be worried for you? I think we should. I'm I'm afraid to ask, but what have you done about the blackmail plot?
Not much. I've been perfecting my blackmail a defense dance routine. It involves some impressive spins, dips, and a dramatic grand finale. Shall I demonstrate?
Just spit it out.
Alright. I made a few calls to my lawyer. He did some digging on my behalf, and he uncovered that Denise actually has a history of blackmailing people. She even has her own Yelp page for it. Four stars, actually. Not too shabby, if you ask me. She has a history? Ooh, big time. She's practically a professional blackmailer. In fact, she's been in court three or four times in the last five years because of her attempts to blackmail high-level celebrities.
Damn. Uh, she's full of surprises.
Anyway, in our last court case against Ryan Reynolds of Deadpool fame, a judge warned her about trying to blackmail someone again. And if she did she'd go to jail? Yep. Now we have evidence to suggest that she's been trying to blackmail you. We have proof that she could go to jail if we present the evidence to a judge. The question is, do you want to pursue this?
I really don't want this to go any further, but I just want to move on.
Okay. My lawyer will send out some conditions for Denise to follow. If she tries to contact you, she goes to jail.
Well, Arlo, you're just like a real life superhero with a lawyer cape, the mighty defender of justice and sender of intimidating legal emails. You know what they say.
Better call super Arlo.
Uh they don't say that, but they should.
Billy walks up to Arlo. She punches him on the arm. Ow! Why?
It was a love punch. Ah, the infamous love punch. A mix of affection and slight pain. Remind me never good on your bad side. Seriously though, what's with the punch?
Just to say, thank you for looking out for me. I've been stressing and ripping out my hair for days because of Denise, and in a matter of hours you've solved all my problems. You're a great guy. You're my hero right now.
Uh I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. What did you say?
You're a great guy. I won't be repeating myself again after that.
It's the next day.
Arlo and Billy are doing yoga in the living room. Billy stops for a moment.
Arlo, you know, I can't thank you enough for what you've done. You really saved me from a terrible situation. I don't know how I could ever repay you.
Come on, enough with the thank yous. You're one of my best friends. I'd do anything for you. I mean, remember that time we were kids and you stood up for me when those you know, those bullies were picking on me? This is just, you know, a little payback for that. You're welcome.
Payback? Arlo, you don't owe me anything for that. We've always had each other's backs. That's what friendship is all about. It's give and take, nothing more.
Sure. Well, except when it comes to splitting the last slice of pizza.
He walks towards the side table and opens a drawer. Arlo takes out a check out of his drawer. He offers it to Billy. What's this?
Your commission for the Barbara Taylor deal? You earned it. Fair and square.
No, I didn't. I was wrong about that.
Hey, you secured the meeting. You negotiate the deal. You did the work. And you deserve every single penny. Billy smiles and takes the check.
You're right. I fucking do.
And also, my mom is uh killing me.
Oh? What do you mean?
Ugh, she's getting worse at picking out movies and commercials for me to act on.
Here's an idea. Maybe for your next role, she'll get you a role in Blackmailer, the Denise Chronicles.
I guarantee you pitch that to her and she'll find writers to write up that movie. She's that out of control.
I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you calling your loving mother that.
The same loving mother that denied you your commission?
Yeah, you're right. Why am I defending her? I hate her.
Look, I need to hire you back. I'll triple your pay and give you anything as long as you come back. What do you say?
Hmm. I say, I'll tell you, I'll come back.
Arlo gets up and gives Billy a hug. Oh, thank you for being so amazing.
And thank you for coming to your senses.
Hey, how about we celebrate this reunion by going out for some dinner?
Yeah. I'd like that. Thanks.
We could try that new taco place.
Uh, what's it called again?
Uh, Taco Titanic. The review I saw said the food's great, but you might need a life jacket to get through the salsa. They even have a band that plays My Heart Will Go On While You Eat. Oh, and by the way, the spare room is made up. I mean, no pressure, but you know, it's there if you want to avoid further incidents of catching your mom in bed with uh George. Just say.
Thanks, Arlo. That spare room might just save my therapy bills.
Is that a yes or no?
I'm taking you up on that offer. I'm even thinking of starting a blog about my adventures and avoiding George.
Isn't that a surprise? Something hits Billy. What?
Nothing.
Anyway, I'll call Max to find out if he wants to cook us dinner tonight. Hopefully, my sister is with him and does all the cooking, or else we could end up getting poisoned.
Yeah, that does sound risky. But then again, at least it's better than going to a dinner party at Denise's house.
Arlo walks out of the office.
Oh god. How did it take me so long to realize this? I'm in love with Arlo.
On this beautiful cliffhanger, we sound out.
The show was written, produced, and directed by Joao and Sita. If you enjoyed this episode, please share this episode with family and friends. That Love Podcast is active on X and Instagram at ThatLove Pod and Facebook at ThatLove Podcast. Thank you for listening.