Back to December — Episode 6: The Final Masterpiece

It's the opening night of my art exhibit. We've just cut the ribbon to the doors. A flood of people raced in. They went straight for my art. They didn't want to speak to the artist. No, they wanted my art so they could resell it. Nice. I guess my art is a commodity then. Thanks, world, you're nice. These people raced in here like it was the hundred-meter dash to see who could buy my art the quickest. Most of them didn't even take the time to analyze the work. So why didn't it matter?

Oh! Why did you do that?

To injure you? Why else? Luke, you're back. How are you?

I I've been better.

What are you doing here? Are you here to applaud me for my success?

Yeah. Have I ever applauded you for anything?

No. But I thought you'd want to break barriers and do it. Please do it.

Um, I'm okay. Anyway. I'm here because I thought I'd try to surprise you. I wish I hadn't bothered them.

Yeah. Uh, I'm attractive today. So I know you don't mean that. Sorry. I smile for Luke as he pops like a child. I've been thinking of you. I've mostly been thinking of this pout you've got on your face. It turns me on. Luke continues to scowl.

I'm glad to hear that. But can I please get some freaking tissues for my nose?

Oh, yeah. Follow me. I can get you surgery if you'd like.

It's not that broken.

I didn't suggest it because of that.

What then?

I thought you'd like a nose job. Your nose is weird. My little niece always runs when she sees you.

You know, I realized that coming back here was a massive mistake. I loathe you.

I laugh as I lead Luke to the staff meeting area.

Luke sits on a chair. I've got a first aid kit next to me as I tend to his nose.

I think it's broken.

I'll be the judge of that. I touch Luke's nose. Yup. That's broken for sure.

It is.

I'm kidding. I reckon you should be back to scaring kids in a day or two. So I'll warn my niece to stay away until you disappear back into your cave.

Lovely. Thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.

I was being sarcastic.

And you think I care?

When did you stop moonlighting as a nurse as well as a painter?

First of all, this chick is successful in her art field, so there's no moonlighting.

Oh, sure.

And secondly, please, shut up. Talking to you is working my loins real good. I regret Luke. Luke stares at me as if I've lost my mind. Aww, you look a pod when we both know I can easily seduce you. Aww, it's cute.

I'm not replying to that. I'd never be turned on by you.

So much for not replying. I think I'm unsettling you. We ask a stranger if I am, and they'd agree I was doing it.

Please change the subject.

Is that a goatee?

Please change the subject again?

Fine. Is that a goatee? I lied. I didn't.

You have eyes? So it should tell you that you think it is.

Can I get permission to mock you?

Do you ever need one?

No. You look like a 17th-century potato farmer. You look like huh.

What?

I've read out of goatee-themed jokes for you. Wow. I guess I feel too sorry for you to mock you further.

You're too much for me today.

I'm only too much because I've missed you, and I want to do everything to seduce you back into my arms. I love you, Luke. Love me again. Whist me to a paradise island.

I need to go. I'm getting a headache from talking to you.

Excuse me? You're injured, and I'm trying to entertain you. I'm Stephen Corvette here. You should clap my awesomeness.

I do that, and that encourages you to be more annoying. That's a fate must the death right now.

Suit yourself. I stick out my tongue at Luke.

Stop a child. Do you know that?

Um duh. It's one of my traits that first attracted you to me. I'm behaving like this on purpose. Dummy. Duh. Luke laughs. He sees me looking at him and stops. I've missed you. Luke's quiet. Aren't you going to say you've missed me too? I'm the hottest person you've ever set eyes on.

That's debatable.

Really? Okay. Then why don't you go ahead and analyze that? Luke thinks for a second.

I hate talking to you. You're right about everything. It's so irritating.

Yeah, well, that's why you love me.

I have missed you. But I don't think it's a good idea to relive our past.

Are you dating anyone?

You always have to work against me.

Are you or aren't? It's a simple question. So answer me, goddammit. I patch up Luke and I'm done. I pick up the first aid box and put it back on in its stand. I walk over to Luke and take a seat next to me. He's not looking at me.

I kiss him.

Luke breaks the kiss.

I came here tonight to support you.

Are you telling me you flew from London to support a girl you don't want to get back?

That's right. No further questions, please.

I'm going to have to do it. I'm going to need to go all forensic on you. Call me Agatha Christie if you'd like.

I'd have a hissy fit. But why bother at this point in the story?

Why bother indeed? That's very mature.

I have no feelings for you.

Dude, you can deny your feelings as much as you'd like. But I'm in your blood. I'm in your system. You only breathe for me.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Men are slow when it comes to love.

Men know what they have to lose if they commit. So that's why they fight against it.

For me, the way to love someone or anything is to realize that they may already be lost. So you learn to live because the relationship is already lost.

So you agree. We've lost our love.

You think we have.

I don't love you back.

Then, Adios, go. You came back to see me, you've seen me. Leave. Go back to London.

What?

You heard me. If we don't mean anything, you should be stronger enough to leave and never come back if I don't matter to you. This is your way out. Luke rubbernecks me. What are you waiting for? You either admit that the fire still burns between us or threaten to hose it down and leave. You have two paths to choose from.

So I should do what?

So choose what you want. Luke gets up and he walks away. You have ten minutes to change your mind before I disappear for good. Make the right choice. Your happiness rests on it. Luke is out of the room.

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Now, let's get back to the story.

Luke has his luggage and is about to step onto the bus. A hand stops him. It's me. I've stopped Luke.

How did you know I'd be here?

Your hotel is ten minutes away, and you had breakfast with your brother this morning.

And he told you where I was staying.

Isn't that a bit obvious by now? Luke gets out of the bus. The bus doors close.

Look, I've made my decision.

I'd like to hear it.

Why? Why does it matter if I tell you?

Luke moves away from the bus. The bus pulls away. It matters because I think you're scared of your emotions. I think you're scared to admit that you feel something for me.

Of course. Of course, I feel something.

I smile. Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?

We still can't be together.

I made up my mind a while ago that you were it. You were the man I wanted to belong with. You and I are meant to be.

Great. But just one thing. You threw me away before.

Yeah. And not without good reason, remember? You almost cost me my career.

And then I glued it back together.

Whatever.

You're famous now. You can have anyone on the planet. So what makes you think later down the road you won't throw me away? Yeah. My heart wouldn't be able to take that. I've lived through enough rejection to last me a lifetime.

Wow. You're such a girl. You're going to start asking me for period pads next.

Please! Just answer me. Why do you need to throw chokes at everything?

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.

Is that original, or are you quoting someone? I I feel like someone famous said that.

That's me. I'm that famous person.

Yeah, I'm skeptical.

If you say so.

Look, I'm a man.

Yeah. I had noticed that myself. I am wiser, after all. But wait, I ate cereal for dinner last night without noticing it wasn't morning, so okay, I take it all back.

What I mean is, what if I do another thing to ruin our relationship?

We'll talk it out. I might be harsh at times, but a chat should be enough to sort out the problems, unless it's serious.

We are getting past hurdles, and I'm more confident about restarting this.

Good to know. Do you have any more concerns? Is there anything else troubling your fragile heart?

Maybe. I don't know. Can you convince me some more? I'm edging closer to you.

I'm sure this relationship will last because I'm standing here. I'm sure because I had a date with Chris Martin of Coldplay and felt nothing for him.

You felt nothing on a date with the lead frontman of Coldplay. So you felt nothing for the man who dated Gwyneth Paltrow?

Yep, nothing at all. You were all I could picture. I could only see you.

So, in a way, I'm hotter than him.

Do I have to admit that?

If you want me back, yes.

Fine. Luke, you're hotter than Chris Martin. I've had a lot more erotic thoughts about you than Chris. Happy?

I guess. Okay, fine. I'm on Cloud9.

Are we back together?

I don't know. I'm still going to.

I'm not playing this game anymore. Make a decision, or I walk away and call Chris.

Uh I'd like for us to get back together. I've missed the heck out of you. I love you, Haley.

I'd like to hear more on that subject.

I love you like a squirrel loves nuts. Haley, I love you like a third grader likes candy. I, Haley, love you like a stripper loves a fat tip. Not that I've been to a strip joint, because I haven't, I promise.

Dude, I know you, and you know if you did, I'd kick your ass. I own your ass. Good boy. And oh, I love you too.

Like what? You love me like what?

I love you like peanut butter loves jelly. I love you like Tupac used to love rap music. I love you like oh, I don't know. Kiss me already. I'm freaking turned on. Ravish me, dear. Luke grabs my face and kisses me. It's a passionate kiss. We break the kiss and smile.

You're an excellent kisser.

How do you know? You haven't kissed many girls, have you? Have you, Luke?

God, no. But you should know that I was engaged until three weeks ago.

Luke walks away as I stand, looking shocked. I'm going to kill you. Luke runs away and then stops. We're getting into a taxi and you're explaining everything to me. Have you got that?

Yes, ma'am.

That term of endearment sounds wrong from your lips.

I heard it too.

We both laugh. Three weeks later.

I can't believe this.

I'm being generous.

You're way more generous than you need to be to a dick like me.

Hey, the man I'm choosing to marry doesn't insult himself.

Thank you for keeping me honest.

Unless he wants to clear a path for me to do it.

No.

Anyway, it's only money. I have plenty. I don't want us going out for dinner knowing you can't afford to pay for our meal. That would be pathetic for you.

Haley, you're still about to marry a stranger, and you don't want a prenup.

No. And count yourself lucky, chump.

Wow, you really must love me. I mean, if I had to choose between your money and love.

I might call off this wedding.

I'd always choose you in a heartbeat.

Good answer. Luke and I laugh. We sit on the couch.

Tomorrow morning. We'll be married.

Yep. It's too late to back out now.

That's not possible. Unless Beyoncé popped out right now and proposed to me.

I will call off the wedding, you know.

Oh, I'm kidding. Wait. Can you call your agent and see if I'm out of here. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I love you.

I need more words than that.

You're the only woman who will be allowed to get into my heart.

I still need more words.

You complete me. You're my completed puzzle. You're my completed marathon.

I relike you again.

Great. And I'm going to do this.

Luke kisses me. Be honest. Is it bad for us to get married at the same wedding as Uh your brother? Yeah.

No, I'm sure marriage number three will calm him down. If not, cutting off his penis should do the trick, I reckon.

Stop it. Lou kisses me on the couch. We cuddle. What if it doesn't calm him down? What if our wedding photos are tainted with theirs? We could be laughed at.

Babe, you're dating me.

So what?

So we're laughed at all the time.

Seriously, I don't want to have our wedding connected to my brother's.

How about I pay the photographer to take separate pictures of us for our wedding?

That's the man I'm marrying. He's smart. Luke and I kiss each other. I'm so glad I said yes.

I'm so glad you stopped me from getting on that bus. Oof! Hell might have been terrible for me. I just sense it.

It was meant to be.

It so was. Kiss me, my love.

Luke and I kiss each other one last time. The end.

We hope you've enjoyed.

Back to December. Starring Melanie Rose and Eurasian Robb. Written, produced, and directed by Joao and Sita. If this episode made your heart race or ache just a little, make sure you follow and subscribe wherever you're listening, so you never miss what happens next. And while you're here, discover more from that love podcast. Check out The Runaway Bride, our six-part audio rom-com packed with sharp banter, chaos, and chemistry that refuses to behave.