Seven Brides For Seven Brothers (1954) - Cabins, Feminist Reading & a Brassy Ginger

Listeners. My friend Ariel recently went to Japan and brought me back some lovely gifts, one of which was a box of peach flavored KitKat bars, because she knows that when I travel, I like to try the weird shit. I like to try the off menu, left of center shit, the bags of potato chips that taste like fish, you know those things. But I thought peach flavored kit cats sounded kind of delightful. And I showed this to my friend Paul. He looks like he's gonna vomit right now,

Sounds disgusting.

You're sure you don't want to try these raw calf brains? They're delicious? It was a baby like. That's the look he gave me, like I was committing both, like a crime against culinary excellence and a crime against humanity.

Correct, is fucking peach kit cat? What's your problem?

It sounds disgusting. I stand by it.

Guess what we're doing here today, Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Paul Kola, open that kik cat. He's eating it.

Okay, he took one half of one, tiny little one, so he's eating like like a.

A look on his face, he's eating it.

Here's what I'll say, as promised, it tastes like a peach fucking kit cat. The inside is unchanged, the outside is clearly like some kind of imitation white chocolate, and then it's infused with I'm gonna generously say, like freeze dried peach powder.

Yeah.

I can still taste it. It kind of coats your mouth like an oil.

Uh huh uh huh. That's how you know it's good.

I don't know if I can perform, but this taste in my mouth.

Title of your sex tape, Hey on Fall in America and this is that aged.

Well, yesterday's pop culture.

Today and we are in period peace June. All of these films this month have been set before nineteen forty.

That's right. We picked nineteen forty as a random cut off date.

Yep. We decided we didn't want to do any World War two films, so we would just cut those out.

Honestly, we should have gone further back and just been like, I can't with these World War two movies.

I absolutely cannot.

I have to say, though, a couple of people decided to go rogue and send us Atonement anyway, which I get. It's a hottest fuck movie with the hottest fuck sex scene.

But again, no World War Two.

We could not have.

So we decided to do something you know, not traumatic at all today, like.

A musical.

Erica.

Before we get to the musical, we do have a couple of five star Apple podcast reviews. Would you like to read the first one?

Yes? Please?

Okay.

Our first review comes from Funky and the title is I have since peed my pants.

Okay, since this review, you think, just.

Like since this morning, since this morning, girl, you and.

Me both, no matter where you are, I may peed a little bit.

If there's if there's a sneeze happening, run away for me, get away.

Erica comes into my house, just hands me a Umbrella's like just in case, just in case, just in.

Case there's a sneeze or a or a cough. You would think I'd had ten children. That's not the case, not the case at all, all right, g Funky rights canonically.

Just look like Mudflaps, g Funky Rights.

Canonically, the first episode I listened to was Newsy's because I was that drama kid, love you, Love You. Then on a road trip, my husband demanded raising Arizona. Oh I love that movie, it's so good. After hearing the end of your American Psycho review, just bouncing around and picked off his space. And then I want the listeners to know this is all caps from here on out. Peede my pants at work. Not a good look.

Not a good look.

It's fair they right, not a good look. Yeah, I have zero idea how I found you. That's how they end it. Excellent review, excellent review. So much drama and then.

You just pieced out.

Yep, you have a supporting character. Your husband is in this review. We love a husband joining the listenership. We love the proselytizing.

Yeah, absolutely so, thank you, thank you. We apologize for your dry cleaner.

And there are underwear for that.

Yeah yeah yeah, I haven't gone there yet, not yet, but it's coming.

Oh I got it for you for your birthday.

That day's around the corner.

We do have another review. This is from just now with an exclamation point right one note, ooh, this podcast has everything, Paul Erica, Movies, TV show, PSAs, hot Takes, Paul cracking himself up, Miss Piggy, Audrey, Hepburn, Lorraine Broco, and more more, even more, more so, much more. Come for the reviews, stay for the dork jokes. I love your show. Only one note, my volume has to be turned up pretty high to hear you too. Oh wait, hang on, I will address that one second. Either way,

Volume does get fixed.

If you heard how loud I am in real life, you would understand Paul's hesitation to turn the volume up all the way in our early episodes.

Yes, so yes, I have since fixed that. One day, when I have more time, I will go back and continue fixing all the older episodes. But I don't have the time.

We simply just the time.

I just don't.

Also, just one small note, It's Catherine, not Audrey, but I will work on an Audrey if that is your desire.

I did do Audrey Hepburn during breakfast at Tiffany's. We did a lot of Audrey.

We did a lot of Audrey there.

Yeah, but I feel like Audrey needs to get more plays because I think they probably meant Catherine Hepburn.

Okay, just now, g Funky. Thank you so much for these reviews. If you would like ad age well Tope bag, please let us know this is you. I would so happily send it off for you. Erica, what is the musical that we are talking about today?

Buckle up, kids, It's going to.

Be a bumpy carriage ride.

Ah. Today's film is the nineteen fifty four musical Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

This was requested by Amy and Mary, Beth, Tanya, Jessica, Mary Kimberly, Mara, Shannon Fay, Emily, Kelly, Erica, Olivia, and a couple of people whose names do not appear on those social media profiles.

Also, this has been request a lot over the years, Like every time there's a month where it kind of fits in, like a musical month of you or something like that, or like.

Comes up every November.

Oldies, Yeah, like classic movies, some like five people are like you guys, there's a fever dream that you have yet to address.

Yeah.

Yeah, So seven Brides were Seven brothers, as Eric I said, was a musical. The music was written by Geene DePaul, the lyrics were by Johnny Mercer, and the screenplay was by Albert Hackett, Francis Goodrich, and Dorothy Kingsley. That's at least two women on that team.

Look, I'm going to defend this movie more than you all think I'm going to defend this movie, huh.

But like, it's not just that there's women writing on it. There's at least five five people looked at.

This script and said two thumbs up.

At least five people were like green light, no notes, And I'm like, really, are you sure?

It was based on the short story The Sobin Woman by Stephen Vincent Benet, which was in turn based on the Roman legend The Rape of the Women. I believe it's pronounced.

What a fun thing to base a musical on.

Yeah, what a hilarious rump?

Is there a musical based on the rape of Lucrease? Is that how you say that?

I don't know Lucretia lucre She's Roman, after all, there should be a musical based on that woman who beheaded the guy Judith and Herodotus. Oh yeah, I watched that musical.

There is a Salome opera.

Yeah yeah, can you watch that? U?

Hey listeners, future Paul here Judith and Holofernes or Holofernes, not Herodotus. Herodotus was a historian. Judith beheaded Halofernies. Didn't want anyone to get on Jeopardy and they get an answer wrong and then blame me for it. Okay, bye, all right. So this movie was directed by Stanley Donan. It stars Howard Keel, Jane Powell, Jeff Richards, Julie Numar, Matt Maddox, Rude Lee, Mark Platt, Norma Daggat, Jacques d'armis, Virginia Gibson, Tommy Rawl, and Russ Tamblin.

I adore Russ Hamblin every time I see him.

Amber Tamblin's father.

Amber Tambler's father also notably Riff from from West Side Story.

Like a day ago, when Erica mentioned the Riff from West Side Story to me, I had not made that connection. I was like, that guy looks familiar and kind of presumed it was because he's Amber Tamblin's father, and I'm just seeing Amber Tamblin's face on on a different human And then you said he was riff and I almost fell over. Holy shit, you're right.

He's I've never known something about a musical that you didn't. It was a weird feeling. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers was nominated for five Academy Awards, including Best Picture. What guys, I'm reading that for the first time. What what? Yeah? Okay, I have to google. Sorry, I'm stopping to google. What else was nominated that year? I can tell you now because Paul wrote this sound for me and lost to On the Waterfront, wildly different movie. Excuse me, I need

I've only read the book of The Cane Mutiny, which was great.

But On the Waterfront was there? And from here to a Tourney?

What was nineteen fifty four? How did this make it?

In?

Were there only five movies made?

They saw no problems.

It's nineteen fifty four.

Yeah, how much did people jack off to musicals back then? They really did, They really did. This is after Sorry, I'm gonna keep irping on this, this is after Singing in.

The Rain came out. Singing in the Rain was already a thing.

Yeah, we know what a good musical is, we know what it.

Like, truly brilliant, not only good musical, but like the perfect film musical.

And then they were like, we can do this again.

Hang on u huh. Nailed it, nailed it, nailed me. I can't believe this was nominated for Best Picture. Okay it lost. It won one Academy Award for Best Scoring of a Musical. Fine, sure, whatever, I.

Got a sad. Actually, while you're on that page, look up who was nominated against. Because this music is unmemorable. It sounds like every song that was cut in the Out of Town try out for Oklahoma God.

Okay, I take wow, Okay, the movies that came out that year. I keep just the musicals that came out that year.

Yeah, this is bullshit. I'm so sorry.

This was nominated Best Original Score against Carmen Jones.

Oh.

The Glenn Miller story a star is born. Oh, come on, and there's no business like show business.

This is an injustice.

This is a fucking injustice.

I've never seen the Glenn Miller story, but I've seen all the others, and like, come the fuck on.

Yeah. Jacques d'arm bis, one of the principal dancers, was on loan from the New York City Ballet. He had to leave before filming was completed. And for the eagle eyed viewer, a fun thing to do is is Jacques dan Blois in this scene that's supposed to have all the brothers, because there's some in there that he's not that's so punchy. He just disappeared.

There's so many people in this movie, so many, so easy to lose track of.

Yeah, the only one you can always find is the hot one, the.

Hot brother, hot brother Benjamin.

And also Julie Numar, because she's Julie Numar. She pops and she's five eleven, so she towers over everybody else, powers over the other women.

And those two are connected, those two like the two that are tired up in this movie. Yeah. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers has an eighty nine percent critical rating on Rotten Tomatoes and an eighty seven percent audience score. I mean, look, I'm not gonna lie. I had fun watching it. I really had fun.

It's impossible to not have fun watching it. That, however, does not make it a good movie.

The critical rating is absurd.

I will say, like again, I agree with Erica. I had a good time watching this movie. It genuinely features one of the greatest dance sequences of movie musical history. Outside of that, I don't know what there really is to recommend it. The songs are not good, the story is insane.

Insane, and like, nineteen fifty four is not that long ago like this.

If this were like.

If this were like a movie from nineteen ten or whatever, I don't.

Know, if this was the only movie that was made by like the Neanderthals, You're like, okay, okay, sure, like the Romans actually got their hands on movie making technology. Yes, but I look, I would critically, I'm trying to like take some of the Veneer of Today off of it, not all of it, but like some of the Veneer off of it, because like it, obviously the backgrounds look very fake, but that I don't care about that so fake.

It's I kind of think that's charming exactly.

I find it charged.

They're on a stage, which.

They yeah, yeah, it moves fast.

It does some of the comedy works I think. I laughed. Yeah, it doesn't quite get to camp, but it gets.

Closed close, and Jane Powell is doing the lord's work. She is She is pulling this fucking movie up on like hrking it up a hill on her back.

She is on her little five foot one back. All right, Erica, when did you first see Seven Brides for Seven Brothers?

Yesterday?

Okay, yesterday for the first and probably last time? How about you, Paul, when did you first see Seven Brides for Seven Brothers?

Yesterday? I had heard of this and I went in with eyes somewhat open, because, as we had said, so many people have requested it, being like you guys, So I knew it was gonna be like a wild and I.

Read not the synopsis, but like the tagline, the log line before I started watching it, so I was like, what is this?

What I basically expected was like, there's gonna be of the seven brothers, I would say, there's gonna be one main and then probably two people who get like a lot to do, and then the other four are kind of gonna get rushed. But I thought we were gonna have like parallel plots of a different lots of them wooing people. Okay, that is not what it's about. We're about to tell you. That is not the that's not the way the story goes.

No, they don't have time for that.

They gotta rush through this movie.

It is wild.

Look, it's old fashioned to the point. I think it is camp.

Actually, I don't know.

It's hard to say. It's you know, the camp is hard to define.

Yeah, it's like art is like I don't know what, but I know when I see it, like, yeah, it isn't quite but it's so close to camp.

I think what pulls it back from camp for me is how good the dancing is. Because the dancing is so amazing.

Yeah, there's like a veneer of like premium filmmaking.

Yeah, and it's just not quite bad enough. I think because the performers are good. All of the performers are like some of the some of the dancers who have to say lines can't really act at all, but like that's fine. I don't care if they're a little wooden. But like, I think the dancing pulls it away from that. It could get there. I know.

We'll discuss, We'll discuss.

Yeah, we'll come back to this. H Erica the tagline for seven brides or seven brothers once. First of all, I want everyone to all cap ah caps yep. A wonderful, youthful, loving kissing musical about seven stolen sweeties and their shotgun weddings. What a Those are not shotgun weddings.

They are though, like at the end there's three men in the background. We're shotguns.

Well yeah, they're literal shotgun weddings, but we perceive that as these women are all pregnant, which they are not.

No, but that's a modern take on that.

Okay, fair enough.

Back then, like literally, any if a woman was quote unquote ruined, and that could just mean anything, that could just mean like she was seen holding hands with a fella without a chaperone present, then that's it. She's ruined. Shotgun wedding. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, So that's funny called though, God imagine if they were all pregnant.

Oh shall I read the iTunes synopsis?

Sure?

All right. When the eldest of seven Oregon Frontier brothers announces his marriage plans, the others follow his advice and kidnap six beautiful women of their own. It's a rollicking musical delight as the brothers compete for the women affections with a raucous song and dance. Nominated for five Academy Awards, including Best Picture and Best Screenplay, Oh.

My God, Blowing my Mind Best Screenplay.

It won an Oscar for its Outstanding Musical Score, starring Howard Keel, Jane Powell, Oscar nominee Russ Tamblin, and the Original Catwoman Julie Numar. Directed by Stanley Donan.

If I read this side tune synopsis, I would it would force me to watch this movie because A I love a lot of those actors be nominated for things. I bet it's.

Amazing, it's fantastic.

I bet it's so clever and well written.

You know, we read a synopsis and the synopsis says something wrong, we will interrupt me, like that's not correct. Everything said in this description of the plot is correct.

Yes, Look, it's not just that the premise is wild, but because you can always work around that like that absolutely peasy to fix or not even fixed. But you like lean lean it did right. It's just so one note, I'm like simple and like it is what it is, and like it's not a bad movie, but it's not a good one.

No, it's it's a bad movie that's fun.

I would say it's a bad movie that's fun.

And I can't believe it was nominated for Best Picture and Best Screenplay.

Erica, do you have an actual synopsis for Seven Brides for Seven Brothers?

The amount of red pubes that woman has to fish out.

Of her bathroom drain, you know, they've never done it, so when she first gets there, she has to snake the whole drain.

She's a snake the drain.

Yeah, she pulls a red tabby of orange cat out of that fucking drain.

It's a full Ronald McDonald wig McDonald.

Yeah, it's a full Shirley McLean wig.

It's Meredith from Brave, just coming out of that brain. Yeah.

Just the amount of red pubes in that woman's bathroom is disgusting.

They're sentient at this point. Aha, all right, everyone stick around. We're gonna take a short commercial break here. When we get we're gonna take you through Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. If you don't want to listen to commercials. All you have to do is hop over to patreon dot com Flash that Age Wel podcast, sign up for any paid tier. You will get ad free episodes in your feed.

We will be right back, and we're back.

We open in the Oregon Territory in eighteen fifty. Okay, not even a state yet. This is the wild Wild West, h as ginger backwoodsman Adam Pontepee played by Howard Keel, arrives in town on a horse drawn wagon. How do we know he's a backwoodsman Erica because his costume is all brown, swede, leather and fringe. He looks like if the village people had a sixth, third, or seventh member and that member was called frontiersman.

Yeah, yeah, that member was called Daniel Boone.

Daniel Boone, right, yeah, are there six or seven village Now there's six village people, so he would be the seventh. The cop, the gi the construct worker, the Indian, the leather man, I.

Think that's it. The accountant, the.

Actuary, the bus driver, the night.

Nurse, the nurse, wet nurse.

Whoever's employing these nurses has a.

Lot of money, yeah, the lion.

The sex worker, the rabbi. Oh, the cowboys.

I desperately want there to be a rabbi in the village people.

The cowboy, that's.

Okay, okay, you can't call yourself a New York band if you don't have a rabbis true.

That's true. Korean deli owner.

The Greek diner owner.

Absolutely, yep, all right. So Adam heads to They got the Mexican man serving a little Italy pretending to be Italian.

The amount of Spanish here in Italy is it's incredible, incredible. Hah.

Anyway, Adam heads to the Big Speed General Store and announces that he's there to pick up supplies and also, as it turns out, a bride. He walks over to the counter and he says, you wouldn't have a wife under the counter over there, I'm looking for a wife.

Great, excellent.

As we said, he's very ginger, so ginger, and he has a beard that I believe his spirit comes onto his face. The beard and the facial hair really combine to give a I'm I'm playing mister Applegate and dam Yankees in a local community theater production. Mister Applegate and dam Yankees is the devil. Just so everyone knows. That's it. I realized that was a deep cut after I said it.

But everyone he met me, okay, I have a wildly hot take on this. Oh I find him hotter with the beard than without the beard.

No.

Yeah, as soon as he shaved his beard, I was like, no, But with the beard, I was kind of into it. Well, he is a tall drink of water.

For Oh, he's six foot three, so he is very tall.

He's a tall drink of water.

He's very broad shouldered, masculine, has that deep voice. Yep, I was into it.

I was not into it until the beard came off, and then I was like, Okay, I see it.

I saw yeah. To me, that like head. His face is so ordinary and average. He's like a nice looking guy. It's not like he's ugly or anything. But there's something about the beard.

You needed the spice.

I needed spice, little spice.

Okay. So he tells the big spis really the audience, because the big Spies would all know this, But he lives with six brothers. The whole cabin is a goddamn pig stye. The food sucks, and the only solution is to marry a woman to cook and clean. No lies detected there's nothing else to be done to clean the cabin except to get a woman to do it. That's it.

And you know what's so much easier than just hiring someone is marriage.

Uh huh.

Marriage so so much cheaper and so much easier.

It's so funny because they could just say, like we work at the farm all day, we work on the barn all day, like they are maintaining like a lot of land, and like we don't have time. It's still not great to be like I'm now going to marry immediately to do this, but like it just seems like they're slobs since.

Eighteen fifty, so I get it.

No one trained them how to do anything at like any domestic chores.

I'm not sure they know how to wipe their asses, but.

Like honestly, like someone will go up there and clean it like once a week for them for like the right amount of money.

Yeah, oh god, do you think she wipes their asses?

I think she teaches them how Oh no, you That first load of laundry is skid mark central marks.

That first load of laundry is the fast and the furious Tokyo drifts. That's so rude.

That took me a second, but once I got it, absolutely delicious.

I'm glad you like it.

The most delicious reference to skid marks I've ever heard, missus Bixby, and I was very happy to hear this. Thinks this entire plan sucks out loud and she tells out of.

Immediately, She's like, uh, dude, yeah, a, that's not how women work. B that's not how marriage works. See, that's not how this convenience store works.

Yep, the fuck is wrong with you.

Besides, she says, you'll never find a woman to marry you in one day because he's got to get back to the farm, and mister Bixby tells him that the men outnumber the women ten to one in town. Adam's gonna have to go back east to find a ride. These women. This is a valuable resource. We're thin on the ground on women.

It's so funny because the amount of single women there are in this Like in the movie, I'm like, even if men are out numbered ten to one, all the women are ten. They don't have a single ugly lady in that town, even the ones that he rejects later because she's like too tall, too short, too blah blah blah, I'm like, damn, those are all ten Yeah.

All the women they hire to play like the Ultimate Brides are dancers, so all they're all like statuesque and courseted to for their waists to be.

Like Julie Numar.

I didn't google it in the end because I was like, I don't want to know, but like, I feel like she might have had like that surgery to remove some ribs because her corset is corseted so tightly the whole movie, like like you could honestly put your hands around waist truly, And I'm like, oh my god.

Yeah.

So just as mix missus Bixby is like, get on out of here with that nonsense of wouldn't you know it? Four gorgeous young women walking to the store, and Adam's like, well, hello ladies, But mister Bixby tells him that these women are all spoken for. Like someone someone already came up at this.

Someone put put a post it on their forehead, peed in a circle around them.

Yeah yeah, someone someone at the tag Sail was like I want this one. Adam is unconcerned. The women can always change their minds, and again Adam is not He's a tall drink of water. Yeah he's not. He's not ugly to look at.

He's like standing behind the four women, and they cannot help but be like hello, like.

Yeah, they're like fanning themselves.

The man has an energy.

Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.

He strides over oozing masculinity, and the women can't help but be like a hi. Sir Adam thinks the women look nice, but he's not deciding who he's gonna marry until he gets a look at all the local talent. He says this out loud. I want the audience to know this is not an internal thought that he has.

He expresses this thought to the women.

He's like, you all look great. I bet there's someone better. Excuse me.

He's so confident, Paul, wouldn't you know it?

He burst out into song. He strides through the one horse town and sings, how does bless your beautiful hide?

Guy, bless your beautiful hide, wherever you may be.

Ah, there's a line that is like, don't know your name, but I'm staking my claim unless your eyes are cross. That's what we're dealing with. That's the general tenor. And then there's one woman that walks the town and she's maybe a size eight compared to thegether with.

I think she's a size four like she is legitimately.

Remember in Devilware's Prada when everyone's calling Anne Hathaway fat. Exactly that situation in this movie where he's like looking at women and he's like, you know, too tall, too short, and this woman walks by him and he goes heavenly eyes, but oh that size.

The first time. And this is just me hearing it wrong. I heard heavenly eyes, but oh those thighs, and I was like, come on, and then I rebound. I was like, it's not better, but it's.

Worse actually, because at least if she had like really bad thighs, I could be like, well, okay, I don't know what's under those skirts. Maybe she has terrible thighs. Maybe maybe they're deformed somehow. I don't know, but oh no, heavenly eyes, but oh that size.

And I'm like, bitch, don't.

You want a hearty girl? Come on, you're about to haul her up into your mountain retreat. Don't you want someone who's gonna stay tough in the winter?

You want to work horse? Yes, you want someone's gonna be able to get through that tough winter with you. Oh God. You may think this song is about a cow, it's in fact about his perfect woman. And I want to clarify something for you, Erica, because I didn't know this until this morning. I have written the title of the song bless your Beautiful Hide, with all the words spelled and shall we say the traditional way?

Yeah?

Yeah. This morning I was gonking at Spotify. I was looking at the songs just to be like, can I remember how these songs? Most of these songs somewhat go, you know, so I can do what I just did for you. The title of this song is bless your like days of Your Beautiful Hide, which means that the lyricist and the composer sat down. Johnny Mercer, whoever wrote this music I can't remember his name, sat down, and we're like, what if the actor doesn't get that it's

But let's also make it a homophone for the actual words, so that zero people would understand the context of what we're doing.

We could write yeer bless your Beautiful Hide, which also does that, but your is also wrong right.

Only us and the person singing it would know that.

It's a message for the actor, So the actor.

Knows I'm gonna hit something.

I will say this. I want to say this too. I think Howard Keel's voice is beautiful. He has a beautiful resonant baritone voice.

It's also nice because everyone actually does their own singing. I think in the movie, I think it's like you told me yesterday.

One person, one of the guys, gets dubbed, and then a lot of all the women outside of Jane Powell, who's the lead. I think most of them are dubbed because they are primarily dancers.

But these two are singing like Jane Powell and Howard kill have gorgeous voices.

Near the end of his number, he spots a woman out behind the local tavern, Choppin Wood. She's got a long handled axe. It could not look less like an axe, but that's what it is. This is Millie, played by the aforementioned Jane Powell. She is the tavern's cook, also apparently the taverns woodswoman server probably hostess, bar back janitor like.

This is crucial, remember, yeah, because the food sucks where he is, he.

Can chop wood. He needs someone who can make a good stew.

What have these men been eating, is my question, because this is not like power bars did not exist right back then. What on earth did one of them have to cook for the other other six brothers and like just kept making oatmeal every single.

I'm guessing they have like an entire silo of beans and they just eat beans and fart. Oh no, the entire house smells like a fart all the time.

The house like like the hinges are blown off the doors with this.

They can't light a match during the winter or else. The whole house just blows. Because that's why, I mean, a woman like we have to fart less because it's gonna be cold soon.

Ha h.

So they lock eyes across a crowded table, and Millie is so taken with Adam that she spoons a large helping of stew right onto another diner's lap. I gotta say they are calling this stew and it's being served the ladle, but they're serving it onto a plate. It holds shit, and it's being eaten with a fork. I do not understand what this food is.

Haha.

Adam tries it, he deems it worthy of marrying, and he and Millie have this immediate fassant. I will give them this. These two actors have chemistry.

Oh, she is so convincing. The minute she sees him, she goes like goggly eye.

Jane Powell was enough of a feminist that she was like, all right, for this movie to work, I have to be in love with him the second e Laia eyes on him.

Otherwise nothing works.

Yeah.

After lunch, Adam goes behind the tavern and finds Millie milking a cow.

Because she hasn't done enough yet today.

That's the other thing that movie does that I think is smart is that they show that she's a she's a jack of all trades, but also be she works really, really fucking hard at this tavern. Yeah, and the idea of like only having to cook for one guy and only having to tend one house is so appealing. It's such a like lifestyle upgrade for her. That was smart to make it so that like her life kind of sucks, like low key sucks. So he walks up to her and says, Hi, I'm Adam Pumptepie. Want to be my bride?

He actually says, how about it? With no explanation, Yeah, no.

Backstory, and then he starts to paint her a beautiful picture of the farm he lives on, without mentioning once the six brothers that also live there. Yeah, he says, the only thing missing for my life is a woman. How about it? Right?

Yeah, I have a question for you because I have a possibly wild take. I think Howard Keel plays this as if he's not intentionally lying to her about the brothers. Like I think he's playing it as if he also fell in love with her at first sight. And yeah, he's putting the best spin on it, but it's not like he's actively lying.

Do you know what's funny?

I agree with you only because in my notes, because it's the first time I've ever seen the movie. In my notes, I was like, wait, he didn't talk about the brothers, and I thought it was a mistake of the movies. Yes that I was like, I was like, oh, she knows there's other brothers right there. But like the movie just they forgot to mention it in this scene, like it's bad writing in this Best Screenplay nominated film.

Well because also it becomes apparent that the town knows about the Pontipee brothers immediately, like Adam's not a stranger come to town.

Crazy too is like it's a one horse town. There's probably fifty fucking people in it. And like she's she works in the tavern. Yeah, so she's the center of all town gossip.

They could have solved this by simply having Milly arrive in town. Yeah, Like if she's new in town, then this all then then all of this can be explained. But as soon as you think about it, you're like, they all know the Pontipee brothers live in the in the in the fart smelling stinkhouse up on the top of the mountain.

So he proposes to her, He says, well, you gotta tell me now because I won't be back for five months. Surely you can't think of making me wait five months just because of your pride.

Is this proposal to wedding proposals, what Okay spelled out in scrabble Tiles is to wedding acceptances.

This is so like, it's so punkers. But he's like, he's like, want to marry me? I know we literally you don't.

Know me at all.

You literally don't know my name and like, and she's like I He's like, look, I'm leaving for five months.

Tell me now, ur it's.

Over there, like Jesus Chris. But of course she fell in love at first sight. What can she do about it? She can't think of a reason to say no. She's like, let me just finish my chores and I'll be right with you. And he's like right, and he heads to shave, and then Erica loses her boner for him. Yeah, and Paul gains one for the rest of the movie and.

The boner transfers it's boner transference, aha.

And then he finds a preacher to marry them.

Yep. So we cut to them at the Parsons house. The parson and his wife were like, you go girl, like blink twice if you'ed rescuing, Like, what's going on? The parson his wife are very concerned.

Well done of the film. The general store owners were like, this guy sucks. And now the parson and his wife are like, this guy sucks.

What are we doing? So they cut back to Millie and Adam. It's a two shot, and it's so funny because, as we said, Howard Kila is six foot three, Jane Powell is five foot one. They didn't get her a tom Cruise box. So the framing of the shot actually cuts off the top of Howard Keele's head and it is I am not exaggerating neck up on Jane Powell. And she has this line where she says, you know, I get proposals all the time, and I always have

Like, where where is she pointing to her knees?

Is she pointing to her genitals? Is she put into her stomach, her boobs, her chest? Where where?

What's happening?

The only thing we know it's not her face.

She's pointing to like an inanimate object. She's like, I was going a bad feeling in this lamp.

But this time Erica, after Adam proposed, she had no horrible feeling. She knows that she and Adam are meant to be, and the parson and his wife are like, okay.

Well, legally you're an adult. We can't stop you.

And they get married.

So Adam loads Milliet onto his cart and they head off the twelve mile trek up the cabin, which I guess back in the day would have taken hours.

Yep, there's a there's a line, is there? Leaving town? I think it's missus Bixby says it's indecent if you ask me, one lone woman and seven scroungy backwoodsmen. I'm like, or it's the start of a porno.

Or it's a sort of amazing porno.

Hang on, hang on, I gotta I gotta know, I gotta know, and we're back.

Huh Okay.

I googled seven brides for seven brothers.

Porno's that's on your surch history.

Now that's never coming off. Government saw that, and there is according to I don't know. Look, I refuse to even read this website's name out loud because I don't know what I'm looking at. But into google like responses with seven submissive brides for seven male domb brothers. That seems to be the only one that was made. I'm sorry, you guys.

You're missing out.

Actually, I think there are just poornos called seven brides for seven brothers. It's the number seven instead of seven, which is how they got around getting sued. Yes, there does seem to be a poor no called seven brides for seven brothers.

Good.

I'm glad, I'm glad. I'm glad the marketplace works, is what I'm saying, because of course there is.

We can trust. We can trust the adult video producers of the world to not miss an obvious gift.

Yes, So, as they're heading out of town, some of the local men are not happy that Adam has taken an available woman away from them. They're like, oh, darn it, darn it. Now, there's twenty of us. We'll never get married.

We'll never know what sex is now.

But Milly is thrilled. She's excited to live outside of town.

Does not have to work in the tavern anymore, to only as I said before, she says, and now this part the quiet port out loud, to only have to work for one man and one woman and one household. How cool is that The two of them get to know each other, and she shows him what her father left her, which was a copy of the Bible and a copy of Plutarch's Lives right So Roman History and the Bible what fun reading.

Yeah, you might wonder why I'm mentioning that. It's because it actually does come back.

Super super matters.

Because if you give an illiterate man one book to read, make sure it's The Race.

Make sure it's Fear of Flying by Erika John, It's The Feminine Mystique by Betty for Dan, It's The.

Bluest Eye by Tony Morrison.

Make sure it's something by Belle Hooks.

Yes, do not.

Give an illiterate man Roman History and the Bible, big mistake.

Lady huge huge, give him a copy of Cosmo.

Fuck it, Yeah, fuck it teen Vogue, apparently very feminist forward ha ha.

So okay, she is so happy she starts to shout in excitement. Also, she's gonna get late, don't forget.

There's an undercurrent of that through the whole movie.

Yep.

And he's like, ooh, be careful shouting in the winter as we go through this pass, because we're writing through. As Paul writes here, Checkov's Mountain fast and a noise too loud could set off an avalanche and snow them in until spring.

Right. So, as Erica said, Millie tells Adam. She's so excited to cook for this one man. Blah blah blah. And Adam's like, oh, maybe we shoul take a quick pit stop. I have a little something I forgot to mention. Whoops. But Milly is too swept away. She rushes out into the field, she picks what she says is her bridal bouquet, and she sings wonderful, wonderful day. It's a song.

She's a soprano.

It's like such a so funny because she her speaking voice doesn't match her singing voice.

Actually thought she was dubbed.

Oh ye yeah.

At first, it's like, oh no, she really is singing because her speaking voice is like a like a natural like like it's a little lower, it's a little lower, right, and like but when she burst out into song, it's like that old school like Cinderella soprano that you're used to hearing from the fifties.

And this is the first time I like really notice the corset because she's singing, but you can't see her stomach moving. Yeah, And I'm like, how is she singing?

Yeah, you can't see her diaphragm.

I guess she's breathing. This is also the scene where like she runs into the glen and the glen is obviously like a state absolutely painted like a high school painted backdrop. It's cute, though, it's cute.

Adam is so taken with her. They get all the way to the farm and he still hasn't mentioned his sex tet of siblings Row, his ginger sex tet.

Adam and Milly arrived at the farm and Adam can no longer lie because the brothers are fucking there. His brothers are Benjamin aka the Hot One. Yeah, but we don't know that yet, but we're gonna find out.

We're gonna find out.

Caleb, who I don't remember anything about, Daniel, who I really don't remember anything about, Ephraim, who also don't remember.

He's the ballet dancer.

He's the ballet dancer.

Frank, who is pugnacious to a fault, let's just put it that way. And Gideon played by the Great Us Tamblin. They're all there. Their parents wanted to give them all biblical names in alphabetical order in case you're wondering what those names are from. Their father was hoping to get all the way to z but their poor parents crapped out. The brothers appear. They are in filthy clothes, they're sporting scraggly facial hair. They all look like the next door

Yeah, I think I'm getting murdered.

They're terrifying.

Yeah.

Also, let's just say their personalities leave something to be desired.

Yeah, well, how did Adam get all of these social graces, Because yes, he's a bit of an alpha male asshole, but like he fits in in town, understands how to speak to somebody, he knows, oh I should shave.

Yeah, he's not basically hygiene down I think because he's the only one that comes down trade and so he has to be like the face of the company, right, and so he's he's normal, Like she's like as close to normal as these guys get.

And the rest of them are all.

Just like like fucking like cave dwellers that come out every ten years. So Milly sees them as they crowd around her and terrify her. She manages to keep her cool as Adam leads her through the house, which is an unfinished, stinky, disgusting dump. But it's not just that he's leading her around the house like that, Like they are just like following her and they don't say anything, and all of them have their mouths open, like the mouth.

Like they've literally never seen a woman.

Yes, yeah, like genuinely. And I'm like, oh no, no, no, girl, get the fuck out, ride a bear back to the to the homestead.

Absolutely so, Millie innocently asks about the name frank because she says, well, I didn't think that was a biblical name, which isn't Francis a biblical name, Saint Francis.

I don't know if it's in the Bible.

I think Francis existed, after gotcha, I don't know.

I am making that shot.

I mean, look, I will get I'm not going to say these writers knew more about many things in me, but I will easily admit they probably knew more about the Bible, so I'm sure they're right.

Okay, So Saint Francis died in twelve twenty six.

Okay, so well after the Bible and guessing. Yeah, all right, So the brothers immediately get into a brawl because Frank is sensitive about his name because his full name, you see, is Frankensense. I did laugh at that. I was like, that's actually funny joke. Yeah. Adam finishes the quote unquote tour by showing Millie the pile of dirty clothes that need mending and cleaning, the kitchen and the dinner bell

Also, I have to mention like deoduran hasn't been invented yet, and I don't know what their soap situation is these woods, so it's on top of on top of fast and the furious in their pants.

Yeah, they are at best climbing into a bucket once a week and scraping themselves off.

Oh yeah, growth we cut to Millie. You know what she's gonna roll up her sleeves make the most out of the situation.

One thing we know about Millie, she's a hard worker.

The hard worker. She's cooked for seven men before at the same time. In fact, she does it every day. She's ringing the dinner bell. The brothers run up like hogs to a trough and they start tearing at the food. The table actually looks nice, she said it. She's put the food out. It looks appetizing, it looks normal, like you are like, it doesn't look like beans in a trough. Millie's like, hey, guys, you need to say Grace. Hey, Hey, hey everyone. No one said Grace, what are you? What

Yeah.

And then she heads up stairs in a huff and slams the bedroom door.

Yeah. I would love to hear Millie's like, real house I have Oregon Territory tagline. Haha. You may have seven brothers, but I've got one fist fucking say.

Grace, say Grace. I didn't come here to make friends. I came here to make twelve bits every day.

Later that night, the brothers are all sitting around downstairs. They're kind of all like looking around, like they're not sure what to do. Adam is like, well, it's time for bed, and they're like, uh huh, because clearly these six men are dying to know what sex sounds like that is the only thing they're thinking about.

This part of the movie creeped the fuck out of me. I hated it. I hated it.

So Adam heads upstairs and crucially, he knocks on the door. There are little moments in the movie like this where I'm like, thank Like when missus Bixby in the beginning was like, no, he doesn't just barge in. He actually knocks and waits for her to tell him it's okay to come in, which I'm like that, look, it doesn't fix anything, but it's a bit of a balm.

Yeah, it's very gentleman.

Yeah. So Millie tells me he can come in. He does. He starts to get ready for bed, and Millie's like, look, you don't want a wife, you want to cook and a washerwoman. You want a hired girl. Basically, that's what I am, and that's fine. That's fine. I will cook for you, I will clean for you. But a hired girl deserves her own bed, so fuck off. Adam tries to sweet talker and she's firm. She says, I will work for you. I will not sleep alongside you. Good

Excellent it.

But to be clear, he's not like ugh, yeah, he's like, well okay, then yeah. He just like climbs out the window like again, It's all very kind of jovial.

He lies down in this tree, brand She's like, well, I'll sleep here then, which I would love to see you try. Milly, for some reason, is moved by this. She sings when You're in love another that is a song, completely unmemorable.

Not gonna lie to you. I don't remember this one at all.

Because it makes no sense at all. He climbs out one window and she's like, I forgot I fell in love with you at first sight.

I think honestly part of it. And again, I'm gonna give Chane Powell a lot of credit here is. She's playing the horniness in the moment she sees him like sprawled out on that tree branch.

He's just like a fucking panther, and she's like, I.

Want to climb that tree.

Uh huh. Millie tells Adam he can come back inside, and now we get truly a red flag. He climbs in, he trips, he falls onto the bed, and the bed breaks. Okay, you know what, I probably would have expected some bad manners. I wouldn't have expected the six brothers, but I would expect I would have expected a mess. I'm marrying. I'm marrying a single man. I say, I'm looking forward to cooking for us. All of this stuff is at least somewhat in my purview.

Uh huh.

You are an Oregon Territory backwoodsman and you can make a sturdy fucking bed. Oh no, no, no, no, Now I'm concerned about you holding up your end of this bargain.

Oh I didn't even think of that.

You don't.

You don't think it came from Ikeia.

No, I don't. I think he fucking built that with his two hands, and he did a bad job.

He ordered, He ordered like the cheapest bed for Ikea getting together himself. But yeah, they were like forty five.

Forty five pegs. Like, I don't think I need these.

I guess fine, don't worry about it.

This does lead to all of the brothers thinking that them fucking broke the bed because they're all downstairs and they look up.

Oh boy, and they're like, is that with sexes?

Sex is breaking the bed? Got it? Got it.

The next morning, the six younger brothers wake up in their barracks. It looks to me, so that house has two bedrooms. Yeah, one is for Adam because that's how it was set up when we arrived. The other six all have to sleep in one room together, like correct, the seven Dwarves.

Yeah, snow White and the seven Dwarves.

Yep. I don't love this. I don't love this dynamic. I don't love Adam's like superiority for his brothers.

Yeah.

I don't care for any of this.

You're gonna stub your toe on some crunchy socks in that robe.

No wonder, these these poor boys don't know anything. Their brother's been keeping them down. Millie knocks on the door and like just cheerfully tells them breakfast is ready, your clothes are washed, and I'll need your pajamas to wash as well. So she like puts out her hands like hand them over, and they're all, of course, like, but we're modest, we don't even know what to do, and it's very cute. Milly tells them again, hey guys, give me your dirty pajamas or I'll come in and get

Come in here.

Who had it worst? Millie and Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Wendy Darling and Peter pan uh huh or Goldiehn and Overboard.

Good question. I'm gonna go with Goldiehn. Okay, I'm gonna go with Goldiehn. Because she didn't know what she was signing up for. She didn't know what was happening. Sure, this woman like she also didn't quite know what she was signing up for, but she seems she's got gumption.

Yeah, you know what I mean.

You don't worry about Millie.

She's hail and hearty. She can do this. She's got this. Wendy, I think it's fine.

Wendy I think is fully signed up for it. She's enjoying everything that's happening. It's very retrograde, and we watching it may not enjoy it, but Wendy Darling is like, this is great, this is fun. I'm in charge.

Fuly han and Overboard still has it worse with those four raccoon children as you call them.

Yes, we cut down to breakfast. The brothers have shaved and are all wrapped in blankets since their clothes are being cleaned, possibly for the first time.

Can I stop you here for second?

Benjamin Hot, Benjamin benjam Hot.

Yeah. So as soon as the guy what's his name.

Jeff Richards, Jeff Richards. As soon as Jeff Richards, the actor who plays Benjamin comes downstairs wearing basically just like sheets wrapped around his torso and you can see his chest, holy shit, and he's shaved. Ye now, so like good goodravy.

And it's so funny. Because so they wanted to hire all dancers for the six brothers, but this studio was like, you have to take two contract players. So the middle four brothers are the dancers. The youngest one, Gideon Russ Hamblin, can dance, but he was also a studio star and he was like more of a gymnast. But then Jeff Richards was a former baseball player that was in the studio system, and he cannot dance. And a delightful game

Yeah, I feel like I saw him play the cowbell at one.

Yeah, I'm also here. So we go back to the free ball and breakfast free free balling. Millie tells them that they're all very handsome, and she said, well, why why haven't I seen you at the town dances talking to the girls, And they say they've hardly ever seen a woman, and she tells them, well, you have a big sister now, and I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna help you get married and act appropriately, and also probably get some other fucking women up here, guess the.

Women up here, and most importantly move out of his house.

Yeah. Further, they will say grace and they will act like adults at the breakfast table. She tells them, and they all absolutely obey her.

I'm gonna give a movie credit.

This is a beautiful dynamic, the way these men all look up to her and adore her from the jump. Even when she throws the food on them the night before, they all just kind of stand there silently and stunned. Now when no one gets mad at her.

She is always the alpha with the six brothers, and they adore her.

That is crucial to watching this movie into your enjoyment of watching this movie.

And they trust her, They trust her more than they trust Adam. Immediately, Yeah, because.

She's clearly smarter than all of them combines.

Yes.

So Milly is heading off to town and all the brothers like, can we join you? Can we come with you? And she's like sure, Which again part of me is like, should she ask Adam if it's okay if she takes all his workers away? But whatever?

Also, why was Adam not coming back for five months? It seems like Milly's going back a week later, maybe at the most.

I think it's been a day. I think literally it's been one day.

She like looked at the storage cab and it's just beans and pork, and she's like, okay, I need a carrot.

Like yeah, I'm gonna.

Need some vegetables. I need a broom.

I need some flower a broom. Do we have a swiffer?

Yeah? Do we have a dyson?

I need a toilet plunge with the size of a redwood. Okay, We're gonna need.

A lot of backs of tracing in this house, and maybe some rubbing alcohol.

We need to disinfect.

Where is the bleach? I want the full chlorinated going to cause lung damage bleach.

So the brothers all come with her to town Alast. Once they arrive, it only takes about thirty seconds before Benjamin hot Benjamin has punched a man through the general through the general store window. A. Millie's like, what are you doing? Get back in the wagon, Get back in the wagon, and she makes them all go back to the farm. They were literally there for like thirty seconds before like a fight broke out.

Someone said the wrong thing to the wrong brother and.

Boom, boom yep.

Millie's like, Okay, I'm gonna have to teach you some manners, some hygiene, and most importantly, how to talk to and impress a woman. If we're going to try this experiment again. First things first, guys, no more punching people. Yeah, we're just not doing that anymore. That's the thing of the past. We're gonna use our words. They're like, wait, not punching.

Are you sure.

She's like, yes, Adam always told us to punch people. Are you positive?

Yeah? Yeah, And she's like absolutely, this is rule number one. We are no longer engaging in physical brawls. She's like, be polite, be friendly. You have to show the women that you meet that you are above such things as fistfights.

Yeah.

The brothers are like confused, and you're like, oh, I don't how are we How do we communicate otherwise? All right, well we'll figure it out.

She seems sure of herself.

She is broadening their horizons. Yeah, immeasurably. In this scene, they have a whole month before the barn raising and the picnic, which is like a thing we're all just learning about in real time here.

Yep.

By the way, in case you're like, wait, what are you talking about? And you're like, yeah, that's how I felt when I was watching the movie. She's like, you know that thing that's happening in a month that's super important in social that big social event. We're all gonna like try to be better people in one month. And she sings the song going Courtin' with Them, which is a very cute song. Dancing with all the brothers.

This is the first song I would say like, Okay, this is cute, Like there's a couple it's very old fashioned, but like there's a couple of cute lines in it. And dancing is where it's at. And it's the first time we get to see the four men that were hired to be dancers dancing. Yeah, And so they start dancing around and the dep brothers are dancing with each other and learning, you know, so it's and hot. Benjamin is just sitting out the side looking at them.

Yeah.

Gorgeous, gorgeous hot Benjamin.

You're just sitting there like being scenery, doing a great job.

I could watch a dance scene.

Yeah, all day. I was coming into this movie so ready to hate it, huh, and so ready to like be upset by it and be like fuck everything, fuck this movie, fuck the patriarchy. Yeah, and then I started watching them all dance and I was like, however, however, on the flip side, I like watching them dance. This fun. This is really fun, and it's all bright colors, and they're like color coded. The brothers are all color coded, so you can tell them apart from each other. And

But anytime you were able to just plug your ears and close your eyes and not think about the plot, charm, charm.

For days, just charmed. So at the end of Going Courting, our six rumpel feral mountain men have been transformed into a band of well mannered lotharios.

If only it was this easy, if only so we cut ahead in time. It's a month later, the pont to Be clan is getting ready for the barn raising. As Erica said, all the brothers are color coded in the bright and brightly colored shirts, right, so you can identify each one. And also once they get down to the town, all of the townsmen will be in like brown and gray, so it's always very easy to spot the Ponnape's smart costumes.

On top of the fact that they're all like bright bright gingers, bright red hair.

Have we discussed that enough?

I don't think we have. I don't think we've.

Really like impressed upon people. How creepy these five Gingers look standing next to each other. Even the hot one is creepy when you put them all.

Next to each other, because he's also the one that because some of them, like Russ Tamblin I think has lighter hair, so when they put the red dye, it kind of works.

I would say that hard disagree.

Hot Benjamin I think has darker hair, so it gets really brassy.

Yeah, it's a brassy Ginger.

Would you say their penises probably look like those peach kit cats from earlier today? Yes, like sprinkled with peach nuts.

Yeah, yeah, I think that's exactly right. It probably tastes better though. Damn So the Ponnipees plus plus Millie, who's now ponape Millie pipe head down the Mountain? Where do you think they came up with the last name Pontipee?

Genuinely, I have no idea. That is a weird fucking name.

Yeah, it could have just been Smith.

Could have been anything, even if it's the original name from the original short story. Who cares?

Who cares?

Yeah, So they all head down the mountain. The younger brothers are eager to try out their new social graces. They arrive in town and the young women immediately spot the cleaned up, now much more handsome Pontipee brothers who they may or may not know exist that that's unclear in the movie. They know Adam exists, they know Millie got him.

Okay, look, if no one in this town knows those brothers exist, that means that Adam is like a monster. That means that you ever see the horrible movie The Room with.

Brie Larson, That's what's happening.

He's he's telling them that there is like been an apocalypse down the mountain. There's no town, there's no survivors where it's only just us.

He's John Hamm and Kimmy Schmid he is.

Yes, yes, he's the Reverend Kimmy Schmidt. He's ruining everyone's lives. This is a horror movie.

So the women they also spot Milly, who they're all very friendly with, like, oh Milly. So these women run up to the pontipe wagon. The local men are none too pleased about this new competition, and each brother makes a connection with a pretty lady using the techniques that Millie taught them, which is again basically just not being uncouth.

Pigs, polite, friendly, cheerful.

May offer you my arm and walk you to the lemonade stand. You know, that's all they're doing.

You have to be This is crucial, you guys.

Take some notes men out there if you want, if you want to impress women, it is crucial that you'd be good looking. Yeah, Okay, that's it. Huge part yeah, yeah, huge part of it. It's a little bit.

What was the problem with dangerous liaisons last week?

He was a little bit Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want everyone to write that part down because.

That's so crucial. That's so important.

Yeah, make sure that you are what's the word good looking?

Yeah? Please. The only important pretty lady is Dorcas, And she's really only important because she's played by Julie Numar and she gets to be with hot Benjamin all the time. So I'm just jealous of her.

She's just so tall and so is like striking.

Looking, she's so beautiful, and she she really does pop. I'm like, oh, it makes sense that she's the one who kind of became famous because there's only really like one big scene where the women get to like define their characters a little bit, and she manages to just define her character as the one who wants.

To fuck before they get to a barn or raisin? What is the country? What is the country?

Anyway, before they get to barn raisin, the town decides to have a dance.

Shouldn't you dance after the barn raising?

Have you ever been to a barn raising? You up in the country?

No, No, I was in that country. Come sorry, I'm always disappointed by your country stories.

You're never is country as I want them to be.

I'll try to throw some more countryisms in for later.

Ha ha ha.

But don't you think they should like they do the work and then the dance is the reward. You raise the barn and then you dance.

I think you have to like psych yourself up ahead of time. It's like it's like like right before a concert when the opening act comes out and they're like everyone stand up, like it's.

Like that they're trying to horn the men up so they have extra energy to get that barn.

Raised exactly exact guys, got to make yourselves look good in front of all the ten to one ladies we have out here.

Uh huh.

A truly entertaining and fantastic dance scene happens.

It goes on for about ten minutes. There's so much of everything.

It's acrobatics. They're using the whole space, Like they start at the base of the barn as kind of a dance floor and they start jumping all over like the area. There's at one point they're doing like balance beam work. So they have these two by fours spread out and these four middle the Caleb through Frank Pontipe brothers are really good dancers, like really good, and so they're they're doing these balancing tricks or doing cartwheels on two by fours.

The moment that the movie is gonna win you over, if you haven't been one over already.

Yeah.

He has a lot of one upmanship with the townsmen and the brothers, right, That's why it's more and more acrobatic and like athletic as he goes on. So the Pontipees are always getting the best of the local men, right, and the women are just delighted by them.

Such a good time for Benjamin spotting find the hot one during this scene. It's so fun.

He's back making out with Julie Newmar. I don't have to dance.

It looks like Benjamin he's just has.

A mirror is looking himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm not going to risk my knees for this. It's time for a barn raisin, y'all. There's a contest to see what group of men can get their side of the barn up fastest, and the Pontipiece enter as a team hoping to win the prize, a heifer.

It's cute because there's like the prize is a heifer, and they're like, man, and then Millie's like, whoo, we could use a heifer. And then they all get into it. Millie says, we need that heifer.

We gotta do it, we gotta do this. The rest of the locals immediately are like fuck that. They all form teams and once they start raising the barn, they start basically attacking the Pontepee brothers. They're like literally him in the hands and feets with hammers. Hit one of them in the face of the two by four, I mean.

One of them gets breens. Yeah, I'm shocked. The movie doesn't end there. Well, Frank's dead, that's it. We lost Frank. We lost Frankensnse, we lost Franknsonse rip.

Yeah, because like they're like.

Someone at one point is like above what the Ponte brother, I'm not sure which one it is, and like is like ten feet above him and drops a hammer on his head from ten feet up, and I'm like, okay, he'd be dead. There's just no chance he's still alive.

Adam notices this, but then he also notices that his brothers every time are like apologizing to the man that attacked them. Oh my god, I'm sorry. My hand shouldn't have been there. Oh no, it's okay, no big deal. My fault, my fault. He is shocked. Why are they being so reticent to fight? I thought I taught you in the room that if someone attacks you, you attack back. That's the kill command. Come on, Gideon, that's how you know to eat. They tell him they're trying to impress

You're all prostitution horse. Yes, the one line I know from Real Housewives, truly, he's I love that line.

I'm actually genuinely trying to think. The other one I know is, oh, Denise, you're so angry. You're angry, Denise. Ouch uh. Finally one of the locals hits Adam and that Gideon cannot abide right. Russ Hamblin says, no, you can hit me all you want, but you will not hit my captor.

Brother brother, my father, brother, father, brother brother.

You won't do that. He has raised me from I don't know. We don't really know when their parents died. It could have been last month, It could have been seventeen years.

Ago, could have been when the minute the Gideon was you don't know.

There is one line in the movie where like Adam says he wanted to get to Z but then one day chopped a tree and it fell on him or something like that, and I'm like, it's hard to get a tree to fall on you when you're chopping it.

That's your job.

That's your job.

Your job is a wood. Tree is your job, and you do not manage to successfully do tree.

Yeah, that's a problem.

You know how. Ken's job is beach. Your job is tree.

Your job was tree, and you fucked up. You done fucked up.

Your job is tree. Your job is barn. Your job is plow right. Yeah, that was intentional, I'll say it. He his wife pieced out. His wife was like fuck this. Eight men, yeah, and then he was like fuck this. Seven boys. Yeah.

Adam seems like he's got this under control. Surely he's not gonna start a weird sex cult up here.

Adam's ten. He can handle this in any case. One of the locals hits Adam. Gideon fights back, He's like, fuck that, don't hit my brother. A melee erupts. That ends with the half raised barn collapsing back to the ground. The Pontippy brothers Victoria laugh in the wreckage, while Millie, seeing that all of her work has come to naught. They've probably driven off these women that were supposed to come up here and help her get some of these

It's gonna take a platoon that we have no.

What we have to burn these I need you to help me sew them new underwear. I can't make this as much underwear.

Honestly, if you hang them around the trees around the house, I bet they'll scare away bears. True, that's that's a good reason to use some of those underwear around. Just bury them in the garden. You'll get great corn. I may never eat again, Erica.

That's about halfway through the movie. Shall we take a little commercial break here? Sure? All right, everyone stick around. We're gonna come right back, and we're gonna finish taking you through the the feminist screed that is Seven Brides for seven Brothers.

And we're back that night after the melee.

Back at the Pontivy House, Millie is caring for her brother's little battle scars.

Like there's black eyes, there's.

Barked knuckles, cuts and bruises, and someone do not forget got brains.

One of them also says, kick in the pants.

God damn this movie. You're not allowed to charm me, But yeah, what you are. I'd be great if one of them literally had like like brain matter coming out of his and his skull, and he's like, can you fix that? And she's like, no, no, no, I don't think I have enough. Witch Hazel, just go walking and just don't stop. Walk into the woods forever Son. So she's being very gentle with them, and she says she understands

Yes they have. Everyone must accept now these brothers are deeply romantically in love. This is not a lust situation. This is that I want to love, honor, and obey this woman for the rest of my days.

Yeah, this is so important.

Yeah, that bar must be met in order for any of this to work. Huh, So that is the bar we're at, Like we are all but crazy, madly in love with these women that we met today. Adam says, you know what, getting in you might indeed be in love? You might indeed, and then he sings a repriese of when you're in.

Love, Poor, you're in love.

Millie wanders outside to listen to him sing and is touched, and she thinks to herself, you know what I do love that big galut.

Yeah, that big ape can be sweet sometimes sweet.

He's such a sweet man. And he can bone. Yes, we forgot to mention. Boning down is what these two do best.

Yeah, he's a backwoodsman, but he's also a front woodsman, you know what I'm saying.

Not afraid to get a little back with me.

Yeah, you know what I mean exactly, He's not doesn't only work with wood, he works with pipe. Okay, he corns my cob better than anyone else I know.

So Milly is like, oh, listen to my beautiful husband singing about being in love. And then when the song ends, Gideon's like, what about what about Courton? I mean, I don't know how to be able to win that girl back after she's seen me fight everyone. Yeah, and Adam's like, don't worry about it. If you can't get that one back. One pretty woman is the same as the next.

Yep.

All women are completely and utterly interchangeable.

They are here to cook and clean and birth.

That is what I have learned.

And of course Milly overhears all of this.

Yep, we cut to winter. The six younger brothers sing lonesome pole cat about how they can't make no vows to a herd of cows. This is stupid.

I would like to have seen them try.

I would have liked to have seen them be like Bessie, Elsie, Elsie. I noticed you looking at me the other day while you were chewing that cud uh huh. And I just want to say, I like the I like the cut of your jib.

Mildred. I ain't ever seen no woman's tits, but your utter is breathtaking.

Breath taking. Will you be my beloved.

Listen, Bertha, your cowpats are the best manure we got.

That tiny pink asshole just exciting every time I see it. What if the next time they come to town, not all of them, just one of them, just the one that never talks.

Like valet Dancer, just.

Comes down with like a cow.

He puts a little hat on it with a veil and lipstick like a cartoon, and it's wearing a dress he had to make for it. And then everyone's like, what happened, what's going on? That's like, that's his wife.

Millies like, don't ask.

That's his wife. We've decided to find it charming. He does not have sex with the cow. We've we've made sure of that. The cow is intact, the cow has not been violated.

The cow knows it cannot give in musiastic.

Consent, but we have decided to just let him have this.

And so they sing this lonesome polecat song. They're like chopping wood and dancing in the snow. Maybe the first use of a splitting wedge in a musical. I'm trying to be country for it. You know what a splittant wedge is?

No?

Is that an axe?

Thing?

Is when you're when you're axing, you're axing the wood. When you're splitting wood. If you have a big piece of wood and you have it, you have the crack started, but it's difficult. You put the split in wedge spike in and you hit it through to complete to complete the splitting.

The splitting. Yeah, very country that for you.

You're welcome.

Have you ever chopped wood?

I never chopped wood. I would my dad would chop wood and he would cut down trees and then we would gather it. But I never my brother was old enough to be given the acts. I never.

Would it shock you to learn that I have chopped wood?

Oh, because you did it on some like glamping rich lady trip where they were like, oh, hey, hey, Jennifer, Heather, Gloria, do you want to learn how to chop wood? And then some bufflanneled man named Dirk came out and he was like, all right, ladies, do you want me to show you how to chop wood? And you're like yes?

And the handle, the handle was bedazzled.

Yeah, that's what I pictured it for you, pink axe with a bedazzled hammer. That's not the way it went. But you know what, it's a better story keeping it. We're keeping it in.

Dark.

And I are madly in love. We have been ever since. So Millie is you know about the barn doing her chores, she finds Benjamin hot, Benjamin hot Benjamin super hot, grassy Benjamin in the barn.

He's moving some hay around.

Roll me in the hey, Benjamin, honestly, Yeah, how do you think hot Benjamin is maintaining that pompadoor? Huh?

Do you think there's real cream located somewhere on this on the farm.

Before Millie I would say he's just probably using like lard. But now I feel like she wouldn't stand for that.

Yeah. She she she went down to the to the general store and bought some hair, got like one of those dice and air wraps.

He had heard about moose and he just thought, he like, he just got his hands greasy on a moose hide and just slicked his hair.

That's actually how it used to happen in the front of real moose in frontiers Land before, before moose was invented.

Yeah.

So Benjamin tells her, look, after this winter, I'm going to be leaving the farm, and she's like, wo wait, you're the prettiest one.

Shit. And I was like, oh, I will leave this fucking movie.

Aha. He's like, I can't live up here anymore. There's just nothing keeping me here. I want to be married. I want to have what you and Adam have, and Formillie doesn't have the courage to be like what Adam and I have is nothing. Yeah, because that guy sucks. This is the beginning of the Adam sucks portion of the film, and it will continue up until the last second of the movie.

Correct.

That is my one major flaw with this movie, aside from the incredibly dumb plot is but like Adam sue, Adam sus.

The brothers are have the excuse because they've.

Been roomed, but also they're awesome.

They don't suit. None of them suck.

Only Adam they sue in the beginning because they've been roomed because they literally don't know Betty. They've they've been room sucked by their abusive.

Older brother by they're horrifying older brother. If the movie ended with all of them virtualistically killing Adam, I would get thrilled.

If they'd done a midsommar on Adam and were like, we we are just going to honor Milly as our goddess from here on out.

Ah, Jesus Christ, that's the perfect movie, now that you say that, that's what I want. So okay, So concerned, Millie runs out to Adam and she's like, Hey, your brothers are all in some kind of very deep funk from having the possibility of a woman's touch taken away.

From them from finally understanding what their downstairs is there.

For, what their peach kit cats are there for?

Exactly? Their peachkit cats need peach kitty cats.

Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, they're redwoods need polishing exactly.

You know what I'm saying exactly? Yes, exactly.

She's like, Look, they are grieving, they are miserable, they're going to leave us.

They're walking around with full tents pitched in their pants twenty four hours a day.

Hah.

And they need to see a doctor. It's lasted too long.

And those skid marks are coming back. Ye, and I am not cleaning them up anymore. I had taught these boys a white fair asses, and now they're for they're too depressed to remember. Adam's like, don't worry, I'll talk to them. I'll sort them all out. And she's like, excellent, thank you. Do you need me to supervise you while you do this? And he's like, nope, not at all. I don't worry about it. And she's like, okay, do I need to just give you some notes, some talking points?

It's gonna be jazz.

I got this.

Don't worry. I will not tell these boys anything that you would find untoward. And she's like, you know what, I believe I believe you.

This is the only moment of Millie being an idiot in the home of it.

I'm good, I am good with you handling this situation.

Be jazz.

They cannot go wrong. This is gonna be excellent.

So he finds his brothers in the barn. They're all kind of sitting around. Who turns it to go up to the barrack room and jok it because we gotta we gotta get the gotta get rid of this. These boners somehow.

They're just doing a circle jerk in the barn. They're like a sad none of them are into it.

Millie, Millie, we need hands. We need and moisturizer. Our hands are too rough. We want if your old a woman's hand feels like.

Just the world's saddest circle jerk, well whistling.

Yeah, that's what would happen if this was the White lotus seven brides or seven brothers. Yeah, all right, So in an attempt to cheer his brothers up, Adam brings up the sabine woman. Remember remember how in the beginning Milly brought Plutarch's.

Lives, So the only book he's ever read.

Yeah, now, like, look, some of this is on Milly because like if that's the only book he ever read, and he's like, well, this is how the world works because this this one text told me that, yeah, she should have brought the Babysitters Club.

Yes, all of it, the whole series.

You read one story about Claudia Kishi and you understand feminism.

You let Christy tell you how it is.

Going to go.

You let Mary Anne Watson teach you how to feel.

Yes, suh.

You let Stacy McGill help you understand the struggle of the diabetic If they need.

If they need male influences, the hardy boys, they're right there.

Nancy Drew Logan is in the Babysitters Club, a great first boyfriend from Marianne. If you want to understand California, Don Schaefer is there.

Ha ha, I love how deep you go with the Babysitterzen you fuck with the Babysitters Club.

Mallory Pike grew up with eight kids. She understands Adam's place.

And she's also a famous ginger.

And Jesse Ramsey is a dancer. It's perfect for them.

Oh my god, it really is perfect for them. We need a Seven Brides Babysitters Club crossover.

Crossover yesterday a Terpsichorian crossover. So in case anyone listening is not familiar with the rape of the Sabine Woman, essentially, the Romans were low on women.

Paul, Yeah, I'm going to stop you right there.

Yeah.

Would it thrill you to know that I have the entire lyrics up right now on my computers. Yes, for sob and women. Please, I'm gonna do this. I'm not going to sing it. I'm just gonna read it out loud like the poetry that it is. Tell you about them, sob and women, Sobin Sob as in crying s Obb.

I an apostrophe, as in.

Weeping Women who lived in the Roman days. It seems that they all went swimen while their men was off to graze, while a Roman troop was riding by and saw them in their me oh my, oh oh, so they took them all back home to dry least, that's what Plutarch says. Oh yeah, them, a woman was sobbin, sobin, sobin, fit to be tied. Every muscle was throbbing, throbbing from that riotous rise.

Every love muscle was throbbing, throbbing.

I think, oh oh, they cried and kissed and kissed and.

Cried all over that Roman countryside. So don't forget that when you're taking a bride.

Oh then women was sobbing, sob and sobbin. It's like this very upbeat, like so cheerful, ho down.

Yeah, one hundred percent. Okay, I'm gonna stop there for a second and just go to Like later on in the song, Caleb, one of the brothers goes, now, when their men folk went to fetch them them, women would not be fetched. So they enjoyed the kidnapping and rape. Is what this song is implying. It's not implying, it's outright, out right saying it. It's outright saying.

He's saying it with a bouncy tune. Those you don't really hear it.

These weeping, sobbing women that were carted off by the Romans and forced into like slave sexual slavery were so impressed with what the Romans.

Had to offer with that Roman pasta.

With their pennies.

Yeah, they had a penne and one plate in Yoki, and they were like done.

Honestly, that's true. Like back in Roman times, if you'd be like kidnapped me from my rural farm somewhere and I'd been like, no, I will not stay here, and then you handed me a plate of carbonara, I would have been like, okay, okay, it done.

This works.

I am submissive. Now what do you mean can I get? Can I guest some parmesan for this? Yeah? So okay. So when the men folk went to fetch him them women would not be fetched. It seems the Romans catched them and their ladies stayed catched. Just last line, I want to read everyone.

This is Adam, the film's hero.

Adam. Now let this be because it's true. A lesson to the likes of you treat them rough like them romans there do, or else they'll think you're touched as in touched as in not manly. Treat them rough like them they're Romans do.

I also enjoyed the line they acted angry and annoyed, but secretly they was overjoyed.

If they just put one line in about the carbonara, I would have understood, help me help you out.

I would have been on the Roman side.

Yeah.

If they'd been like, hang on a second prosecco.

Think about it, think about it. So, after all of this convincing, solid logic, no notes, they resolve they're going to head to town that very night to kidnap their lady loves.

They're kidnapping these women. The word kidnap is used in the movie. By the way, the movie.

Multiple times understands what we're doing.

Yeah, Adam is driving the sledge. They head into town. They find the different women they impressed upon at various points, like a couple of the women are walking out of their house. One of the women is about to kiss her her boyfriend good night. One of the women is putting a pie in the windowsill and just gets sucked out of the window like.

A fucking alien abduction. I just want to reemphasize something Paul said. They are abducted. They're not like lured out. They're not like, come here, do you want to come up with me? They are grabbed, a sack is put over their heads, yet are hauled off physically.

And they scream and struggle.

YEP. At one point one of the men just goes mew, like stands out, Oh.

My god, that's Russ Samblin, and it's so funny.

It just starts going meow, meow, and then like they're like, oh, go see what the cat wants. And then it's so weird.

So weird.

Well because the first they send the girl's boyfriend, he goes out hot Benjamin is there Hot Benjamin knocks him out and he's like, hurry up to rust Damblin's, who goes, wow, wow, what is happening? So they kidnap these women. They drag them back to the sledge, and Adam heads off, just as the town folk collectively realize that a mass kidnapping

I think so too. Yeah.

Yeah, they block the pass up, so they have successfully cut off the town until the spring thaw. Right, that's what That's what we learned earlier, Right, you block the pass, ain't knowing getting through. Unfortunately, in the rush of everything, in their excitement to kidnap their girlfriends, they have forgotten to kidnap the parson as well. And I want to place blame here.

Uh huh.

Look, I'm gonna have a kidnapping plot. And there are six girlfriends and one parson to kidnap, and there are six men that are off to get these six girlfriends, and one man that sits in the sledge.

The whole time, dick older brother.

And doesn't kidnap the parson. Guess whose fault it is that the parson was.

Not kidnapped the dick.

Dick older brother.

Ye, yeah, yeah, yeah, captain asshole.

So there's no one to perform the weddings and Erica. Look, the Pannabee brothers might kidnap on suspecting women, but they draw the line at premarital relations.

Well, that's nice.

That is nice.

That's good for them, and extra good for the terrified women they've kidnapped.

Does this movie age?

Well, I think it's fine. Fine, it's fine. It's historically accurate.

Yeah, this apparently happened in the Foundation of Rome.

Uh huh. This is why you don't give him Plutarch's lives. You could give him even if it's not feminist. Give him the DaVinci code. That's fine.

He'll learn some shit. Yeah, learn about Florence.

It'll be great.

Give him a Stella got her groove back, expand his horizons.

Give him Hunt for Red October. They'll learn about submarines.

They'll love that.

He'll love that novel. The brothers bring their women back to the cabin, where a horrified. Millie is like, oh, we should have gone over your talking points.

I see where I went wrong when you said jazz. That's why I should have cut this up.

There should have been a prep session this, this, this has gone horribly awry. She comforts the victims and throws the brothers all out of the house. She's like, you will all sleep in the barn with the rest of the livestock. As long as the women are in this house. You're not sleeping here. Fuck all, y'all. The six younger brothers are chastised. They listened to Millie. They're like, you know what now that you set.

It out loud, Yeah, I heard it when you said it.

When as soon as you say it out loud, I realized this plan maybe did not have the legs I thought it did.

Adam said it in this way that it just sounded good.

Yeah, yeah, we really thought that. Now that, now that we've worked out all the fighter points, the legalese, yeah, oh yeah, this probably wasn't such a great idea. Yeah, sorry, our bed.

Our bet we are gonna go to the barn with that argument.

Yeah.

Adam, however, is like.

How a dare you woman? He is humiliated by his wife's Hutzpah, how dare she contradict him in front of not just his brothers but his future sister in laws.

Think he's gonna have to room her too.

Ah.

He heads to the barn and tells the brothers that he's gonna go to the Pontipees trapping cabin until the spring thaw. What, I'm sorry, we had another property. There's a second property this family owns. Yeah, fuck you, man, I didn't know that that would have been good information to have earlier in the movie.

How many cabins do you think they had? There's a trapping cabin, a hunting cabin, a shitting cabin, a fishing cabin.

A Late Night with Stephen Colbert.

Cabin, a Jorkin cabin. They need to have a jork And cabin, the same.

One as the Late Night with Stephen Colbert cabin. Okay, they just really enjoy Stephen Colbert's humor. Absolutely, Who wouldn't that's funny.

So basically he fucks off.

He's like, I'm gonna go sit in this other cabin by myself because my wife has thoughts and I don't like that.

M M.

Gideon runs the house. He begs Millie to speak with Adam, but she says Adam has to learn that he cannot treat people like this, that women are now write this one down, Gideon, huh not chattle? Uh huh, thank you?

And he's like, what is chattle means?

And she's like, oh, you couldn't have kidnapped some books.

Jesus Christ. So we now get a little bit of a montage, right. The brothers maintain the farm, they stay in the barn, They do not come into the house. The women start to get their revenge, shall we say, on them. They they're throwing snowballs on them. They're dumping water on them while they're outside, like shoveling the walk. They should be jump dumping chamber pots.

Frankly, frankly, does she be just like a hail of tampons?

Yeah?

I used tampons and these men.

There is a great moment where Dorcas. Can we just briefly talk about the hilarity of naming Julie Newmar Dorcas. Yes, I know it's a real name, it's a biblical name. I know it, but like Dorcas Dorcas, Yeah, leave it to the once in future catwoman to spike her snowballs with rocks. So when she hits Benjamin, he's.

Like, OW love you.

That really hurt.

Still, Erica, they just can't resist those Pontipe brothers. There's actually a very cute sequence where Millie's inside she's like reading from the Bible to actually she's reading the Sabine women. I think to all these girls, the brothers like knock on the door and they each have a different problem. When I was like, can I get a blanket please, and she's like okay. And the next one knocks on the door and he's like, I need some linen liniment.

Yeah, well these guys are hot.

Yeah, I don't know if did anyone take notes earlier and I when the most crucial thing to wooing a woman is just being attractive.

Yeah, there will be a test later.

These boys all.

All but one. Let's get there's one there's one. There's one that doesn't pass the test.

He has a goofy charm. Yeah, if that's your type, if you like a little nerd, he does it. And you know what, he's a damn or so. The body is slick.

Yeah, that's true, that's fair.

But the face, the face is rough.

Face. The face card does decline. As the winter wears on, the girls start to get cabin fever. And by cabin fever, I mean their bloomers are boiling locked up in the boy's old barrack. Dorcas, Oh geez, Louise, Julie Newmar, this is Catwoman. We're not calling her doorcass, I refuse. Catwoman gets a mischievous glint in her eye, and she wonders which of the brother's beds she's sleeping in, and like she goes full Catwoman, and I'm like, it's actually a little like.

The same thought.

She like lays down on her stomach on the bed and is kind of like like rubbing up against the sheets.

And I was like, this is a movie that holds it's like biblical uh uh beliefs, very forward uh huh. Yeah.

Yeah. So she's like, hmm, I wonder who's bed I'm in? I wonder if I'm in.

Benja just starts big a pillow.

The other women are scandalized, Oh, dorkiss cat woman, how dare you? And they like one of them turns her nose up at her, and another one goes, wait a minute, I see you looking out the window at the men as they're doing their chores.

Every time Frankin sends trots that hot little ass past the window, you're up there. Your nose is pressed up against it like Charlie Bucket out of chocolate factory.

Ha ha.

And she's like, how dare you?

And the other one's like, I heard you rubbing went out the other night and screaming out Caleb's name.

Thinking about Caleb's dumper. I know what you did.

The massive amount of pheromones and horniness that's in this room.

Their periods have also by this time, saying.

Oh, they have definitely all sank.

They are.

They are a coven of horny, horned up women and the only way they could get it out is a fucking fist fight, and they do. They end up fighting each other. It's like a melee, just like the brothers at the beginning of the movie. They've lost their mind. Millie runs in and stops them by revealing that she's pregnant. Okay, that gets everyone to shut up. What now?

What?

What now?

They're all like a baby, and I'm.

Like, there's no hospital, there's barely running water. I don't love this for anyone.

Uh huh.

They're like, oh, we'll help you give birth in the spring when the time comes. Oh a spring baby, how delightful. Like they're all into bully. Millie then leaves, and the women sing a song called June Bride about how excited they all are to be married someday.

I have two notes about the scene. Number one, they say, when you marry in June, you will always be a bride. Do they say that? I don't think they say that. I think I think you get a day.

I think they say when you marry in June, you've paid too much for exac. When you marry in June, you get screwed by the vendors. Getting married in June is a flex, But getting married on US Saturday and you are in Russian Oligarch's daughter, that.

Is the only way. Second second point of order, Millie is pregnant. She says I'm giving birth in the spring. Now, I believe they say in this scene that they have been there for like two months. Okay, so presumptively, in the song they're about to sing, they're going to say it starts snowing in November. So let's give them that it started snowing in November at the Pontipee farm. Mm hmm, you can go downtown see their women. Let's give it a month. That's December. She's now giving birth in spring.

Oh, let's start talking for a second about Jane Powell's looks in this movie, the entire movie, even when she is wielding an axe, when she is plowing a field, milking a cow, scrubbing a foot. The hair is a perfect flouncy blonde ponytail, ponytail tied in the back, curled for the gods faces beat a huge amount of cream blush all over her face. There is perfect lipstick. There is perfect eyeshadow and blush and like mascara. Yeah, come the fuck on, come on, is this part of it

She's simply not pregnant. My only point is if she's giving birth in June, she only has like at most two months left before June hits, and she is still corseted, so she would be she's like seven months pregnant at this point and she's corseted. That is what I'm trying to say, very unclearly.

But I, oh, Paul, fat women, Well for sure, we're not putting that in our movie.

Don't remember what he said about the but oh that size.

Yeah, oh that size. Heavenly sighs.

But oh that size. I know he said eyes, but I think thighs is funnier.

Okay, So the June Bride song segues directly into spring. Spring spring, as the snow melts away and the entire livestock population of the farm gives birth to various fowls and calves and chicks, et cetera. All the women have now impressed upon their respective kidnappers, so they've all gotten on board this entire things.

Stockholm syndrome is a real thing, y'all.

Yep, Millie gives birth to a little girl with a minimum of fuss, and everyone is very sweet to her. There's a very cute scene all the brothers like run upstairs to meet to meet the baby. They're all kissing her blah blah blah and and and Gideon says I'm an uncle and just falls over and faints.

God bless russ hamblin.

Very cute, so good. Gideon rides up to the trap and Cabin to tell Adam that he's a father, but of course Adam is not at the trap and Cabin because Adam has ensconced himself to the fap and cabin, where he has been for the last three months. And then later on he's gonna go to the wrapping cabin where he's gonna lay down some beats.

And after that's he's gotta go to the crap and cabin, Yeah, to.

Dump out, to dump out, Yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah.

And then and then he goes to the slaping cabin, where he has an effigy of Millie set up and he slaps her because he knows he can't slap his actual wife. Yep, that's the one line this movie does not cross.

Not cross. No, we will not hit a woman, that's right. Then he heads on over to the nap and Cabin because he's pooped, guys, it's been a long day. He laid down some sick beat.

He'sapped, wrapped, crapped and slapped. It's time to nap.

Yep, yep, yep.

Yeah.

And then he's going to go to the mapping cabin where it's just full of maps. But I digress. Gideon finds him at one of the many cabins. Yeah, and he's like, guess what, You're going to be a father, And Adam is so happy just to see his brother, and but then he's like, wait a minute, this is not real. I'm not a dad.

You're it's just one of her tricks to get me back.

What is the trick?

What's the trick?

Man?

The trick? I guess the trick is to lure him back with the idea that he's a dad and then be like sick, which is such a mean trick. That's fucking harsh.

He also says a girl. I might have known she'd have a girl. Cool cool.

Gideon gets real without him. Gideon like is like, okay, I've always looked up to you. You are my older brother, my surrogate father, and my mentor and my terrible teacher.

But you are being a real dick.

You're being a real butt head.

You're being a class A asshole.

Yeah, right now, we're not going to the dap in cabin because I'm not giving you DAPs. How's that?

How's that dap in cabin is off limits to you, sir.

You are DAP free until further notice. Dappin privileges revoked.

Gideon says he knows that Adam can wipe the floor with him, but he doesn't care. He wants to make his feelings clear. He's like, you can hit me if you want, ye, but I'm just gonna tell you to your face that you are a dick. Millie deserves better. And then Gideon punches Adam in the face. Yeah, I'm so horny for Gideon right now. Adam takes it, Yep, doesn't retaliate. He just puts Gideon on his horse and

And Gideon's like, you better go to the wrap and cabin do wr rapin' and wrap some presents and bring them back for a million your daughter.

Yes, Yeah, they'd have a rapping cabin, just like just like Candy Spelling had that rapping that gift in her mansion.

Absolutely one hundred percent by the way point of water. In case anyone's wondering how much time is left in this movie for them to wrap all of this up, the answer is eight minutes.

Eight minutes because you know why, because they went to the snap and cabin and they got snappy, snappy with it.

We cut to town and we hear the locals announced that the pass is open. It's time to go get their women back. It's amazing that these people are being like cast as the villains and they are just like, our daughters were kidnapped. We have to go rescue that.

Yeah, can we rescue our daughters and sisters and friends.

Please at the cabin, not not any of the app and cabins, just the main cabin. Huh, Millie. The brothers and their girlfriends are playing musical chairs.

It's so hold, so cute, it's so wholesome.

Adam appears and he's like, the pass is open, and everyone knows what that means. That means the townsfolk are gonna be coming to get their kidnapped relatives. Everyone springs into action. And Adam finally meets his daughter. He asks what her name is, and Millie says she was thinking Hannah or Hagar or Hepsiba to keep up the family tradition of biblical names. Sadly they choose Hannah. And I am here to say justice for Hagar Pontipee. Ha ha, justice for Hagar.

It's gonna be a real rough road. Yeah for Hagar Pontipee.

Yeah.

Adam says that as a father of a daughter, this is what he says.

He if he doesn't say in those words, but this is the sentiment.

This is where this, all that bullshit all comes from. How's the father of a daughter? He has realized that, guys, these women are now hang on to your.

Hats when I tell you this people.

Oh, they are actual fucking people. Yeah, and we got to take them back because you're not allowed to checkt notes, steal people. Yeah, didn't know that.

I know it. My bad, Yeah, my fault, It's my fault.

No one ever taught me that. Plutarch certainly led me astray here.

I went to the yapp in cabin and I listened to some women yappin, and they told me that they were people and.

Then I was feeling piqued, so I went to the snacking cabin, had some Dorido's.

Then came back and I have come to realize.

He also tells Millie that he loves her, and then they embraced because I guess whatever, that must be some world class dick.

Yeah you deserved better, Millie.

That has to be like world class a plus premium effect, like like one thousand dollars dick for her to be like, okay, cool cool. Adam tells his brothers they have to return the women to their families. It's the only way they'll have a real chance to be with them for real as people as what's the word it mics to pronounce this correctly, equals, equals, equals, equals, I don't know the words equals. That's what Millie says. Yeah, the brothers kind

Yeah.

Wow, he suddenly got some sense, some strategy. It wasn't been in the map and cabin that he learned.

Strategy, learn strategy.

The brothers have no answer to this, and honestly, it's very sound logic. So they're like, all right, let's go get our women. And all of a sudden, Milly appears and she's like, problem. The women have all run away. They all just pieced out. The brothers realize that the girlfriends have all hid so as not to be forced to leave their beloved assigned pontipiece.

We have what amounts to a chase scene. The brothers scramble all over the farmstead trying to find the women and force them to go back into town. Erica. I have a very important question for you. What is a worse hiding place? Is it sitting on the awning of the porch, maybe six feet in the air, when half of these brothers are over six feet tall or under a cow an active cow, an active.

Cow, and one of their wives, yeah, and a beloved.

Ride, a beloved bride to one of the.

Brothers, to the simplest of the brothers.

These women maybe deserve their fate A little bit, I little bit, A little bit because they are clinically stupid.

Uh huh. Meanwhile, the townsfolk arrive and the parson here is Hannah crying. Much to his dismay, he.

Goes, oh, no, Hannah, by the way, is the baby.

There's a general melee, and eventually the townsfolks subdue the Pontipee brothers and announce they're going to hang them all from the nearest tree. The women are beside themselves. Oh my god, but I love them, But Papa no, And Parson says, wait, wait, wait, we're all fathers here. We love you, and we want you to tell us the truth.

Also?

Yes, this is where I'm on board with you with your dubious pregnancy mass. Is that there is no These women have not been there more than three months? No, what do men think happen? Truly? How does this happen?

With no other choice? The families all co sign a six way shotgun wedding. The parson marries them. The Pontipee brothers all stand with their brides. The fathers stand behind them with shotguns and they all get married as Adam and Millie kiss off to the side, and that is the end of the movie.

Wow yeah, all right, way to rehabilitate Adam in the last fucking.

Minute of the movie as the father of a daughter, as the brother of a sister, as the son of a mother.

As someone who has met women or really humans.

Incredible, all right, you know they are people too.

What that is crazy? Insane?

All right, everyone stick around. We were going to be right back with our random observations and final rankings for seven brides for seven brothers.

And we're back.

Paul has kidnapped me and brought me, kicking and scream into this studio yep, to hear his random observations. Everyone pay attention. A man is speaking, go, I've kind of roomed you, roomed.

I've roomed you. Okay, So there's you know, we talked. I talked about how like with the friend when Milly was like, I got an awful feeling here and you couldn't see it.

Uh huh.

It happens again in the movie because after they fight, Milly is talking to Gideon russ Hamlin, the youngest one and all the other brothers have left, and he says, I feel awful strange like Milly here, but the way they have it staged. He has like one hand up to his face and it's blocking the rest of his body. So you're like, where you're crotch. What is he pointing to is? I know it's his heart, but like I can't see his hand.

It would be amazing.

He was pointing right at his buttthole, like he was leaning back and pointing.

At his I've got a fire down below. Yeah, and I'm not talking about my pubes this time.

I hate to say there's a growth.

Can you look at it for me?

You may need to boil the butcher knife and cut it off.

We're gonna need a LANs In cabin.

It's a Lanson cabin.

If this is an unprecedented because yeah, I left everything on the field, everything, all my notes I had about this movie, I said during the regular regular run of the show. Okay, so I just want to bring this back to the great Opus, the American opis that is sob and women and regale you with a couple of lines that I neglected to give you earlier.

Okay, this is Adam.

While the Romans was going out hobbin nobbin, starting up fights. They kept occupied by sowing lots of little old togas for them tots and saying, someday women folks have rights.

And if anyone's wondering, that is presented as a joke, Yeah, a full joke.

Hi, hilarious that these women think they have rights. Not funny now, Look I get there's like a sheen of irony to it because we are watching this. It's of course this story takes place in eighteen fifty, but we're watching it in nineteen fifty, right when.

The movie comes out some one hundred years later, and.

So audience everything has been fixed.

Presumably in nineteen fifty.

Audiences are like, isn't that funny how backwards people were in Frontiers time. Anyway, I'm gonna go to the whites only bathroom.

I only have one more. I only have one more. I also left a lot in the field. And it's simply a compliment for the movie because obviously we've been very harsh on I've been very harsh in the music. I don't think any of the music is priticarly good. One lyric I actually heard it. I was like, that's a good lyrics. That's clever, Johnny Mercer. I see the

Was like, you know what, it's clever, that is clever, it's horrible.

Yeah, I've never heard that rhyme before.

Congratulations, Touch yourself on the back, Johnny Mercer.

That one was good. Erica. How are we gonna rank seven brides for seven brothers.

Seven unholy skid marks?

Oh?

You know what? She needed to get holy water?

That holy water to need a full priest.

The power of Christ compels you on their underwear.

To cleanse that cabin. Sage is not going to cover it. No, you can't just sage that cabin.

Popery is not up to the test.

No, no, no, Yeah, we're gonna need a flamethrower. Yeah, you gets this shit clean.

A glad day plug in is not going to be enough. How about one to ten brassy gingers, hot Benjamins, Yeah, hot Benjamin, I'd like ten. I'd like a full ten.

Baker's doesn't frankly hot Benjamins.

Please, please, and thank you.

How About one to ten cabins different types of cabins. For example, Adam would at some point go to his scrapping cabin. That's where he goes to scrap book.

Oh see, I thought you're gonna say, he goes he goes to like practice fighting.

No, no, no, no no, it's where it's where he really enjoys arts and crafts.

Okay, yeah. Or sometimes they go to the tap and cabin where they try to teach hot Benjamin how to dance.

Ooh yeah yeah. Or sometimes they go to the lapp in Cabin, which is where they just go to the y and swim laps. It's a y, it's it's not actually a cabin. Here's a ymca near their homestead.

They go to the cap and cabin. It's where they keep their hats.

Yeah, exactly, you.

Gotta go to the capin cabinet, you do hat? How about one to ten babysitters club crossovers? Yes, what this movie really needed was those seven young girls to come in Christy Thomas to set these boys right.

She would have whipped them all into shape. I mean, not that Millie didn't do an amazing job.

No notes on Millie.

Millie is perfect.

Yes, I mean except for her like weird blind devotion to the worst man alive. She is perfect. Let's do this one, this one.

Yeah, okay, do you want to go first? Or shall I go first?

Oh?

I cannot wait to hear what you're gonna say. I'm sure to be surprised by whatever Paul comes up with for this. Absolutely, How does this film A I just.

Think it's It just portrays a time that I think we're a nostalgic four where were yearning to go back where things weren't called gender stereotypes and gender roles. There was just a feeling of who does what, whose job is? Who is? The lines were simply clear, and that's all we want. Clarity. No, he just terribly. It's a it's a zero erica. The whole thing is rotten to the core.

I still can genuinely like, Look, it's because it's a fun movie. I get why an audience in nineteen fifty four would have been. I do not understand the Academy Award nominations.

I simply do not.

Like A Star Is Born came out the same year Carmen Jones came out the same year.

I enjoyed it. I did because it at this point, it really is so so backwards. It's like that thing where they circle just all the way back around to be like, you know what, I can't even get upset about this.

Yeah, I actually totally agree, so I was not annoyed.

But if we're just gonna be honest, does it eight? You know what? Actually, Millie is almost a good enough character that I think Milli's so good I think I can give it a one. Oh yeah, because Millie, to the movie's credit, like you said, outside of just buying Adam at all is great. She is a hard worker. She is like I have to like find my way out of this. I'm going to like teach these boys how to be acceptable to like just go with Millie, don't think about how they wind up with the women.

Yeah, not even in a like a Ricky Ricardo shoulder like I'm.

Gonna, you know, like thank you kind of way.

Like. No, they are very respectful to Millie.

Yeah.

So as awful as this movie ages, I think I'm gonna give it a one rather than a zero, just to honor.

Milli and Jane Powell's performance of Milli.

Which is very very good. And I other than that, I don't think I need to explain anything there. The closest gets to gay content is when all the brothers learn how to dance together.

Uh huh uh uh.

There are no people of color. The women certainly don't talk to each other about anything other than men. Although all of the bride I didn't bother to name all the brides. All of the brides are named in the movie.

I didn't bother because it's just because you heard the word Dorcas and your brain froze stopped.

I'm gonna give it a one out of ten Babysitters Club crossovers, Erica, what do you think?

You know? I don't disagree with you. I think it was really funny the journey of watching the movie, because I was waiting to get like, my eyre up. I mean, I knew it was gonna be absurd and ridiculous, So I wasn't expecting to be like actually offended or anything, but I was waiting to be like, fuck this movie. Honestly, it kind of got a new my skin. And I was like, I showed up to Paul's and I was like,

And the dancing, obviously.

Dancing, the performances, everything you just said.

True. Millie is a great character. The way the other brothers all treat Milly is wonderful. There is truly like a Wendy Darling situation here where they all kind of make her their surrogate mom and they're very respectful and they listen to her, and it's it's very nice, it's very charming. Unfortunately, their surrogate dad is the fucking devil himself. So there's like an like almost like a wide eyed innocence to the whole thing that makes it very easy, yeah,

There is no sexual assault, which is which is good.

I mean no, but I there's kidnapping.

Yes, there's putting.

There's actual assaults.

There's putting a there's putting like a fucking blanket over a woman's head and snatching her away from her house in the middle of the night, and then that woman falling in love with her kidnapping.

Yeah, remember we got all mad at Beauty and the Beast.

Yeah, no, this is bad, you guys, this is really fucking bad. And like again, like like it would have been great if if like one of those women really like the Benjamin obviously, Yeah, like if dor Kiss and Benjamin were.

Like, we are horned for each other and I'm fine with being kidnapped.

Yeah, and like two of the others were like you know what, I was gonna be an old maid anyway, so this is fine.

Yeah, And then two of the other women were like, these guys suck.

Yeah, am I wrong?

I got the ugly one. I don't want to be in this marriage at all. I'm gay, so I couldn't. That would have been fantastic. It's nineteen fifty four. It's certainly not gonna happen. So yeah, no, it's gotta be a zero. It's got to be does not age well in any way, which is why all of our listeners

Best Picture, Best Picture, Best Screenplay, I can almost see Best Picture more than Best Screenplay.

This came out after Casablanca and After All About Eve and After Sunset Boulevard, like all those movies happened first and then this one, and the Academy was like, yeah, yeah, this deserves to be a best picture, not its awesome, so wild Wild. I don't have the background in musical theater to offer a proper palette cleanser, because I don't know what would be like a proper equivalent to this movie. I would suggest, because I'm really am in love with

Yeah.

So if you're looking for like a jazzy good time, Paul, do you have something for that?

Well? So I went a little more specific because the dance sequences were so good in this one. I was like, what is like a lesser known amazing dance sequence. And my friend Michael sent me this a little while ago. If you look up gene Kelly tap dancing in roller skates, Oh, it's so good, you're gonna be brought to a video of Gene Kelly singing I like myself from the musical It's Always fair Weather.

Hm.

I don't know what this movie is about. I don't know what at ages well overall, but you can just watch the scene where Gene Kelly is literally doing difficult tap dancing in actual roller skates. Yeah, and it's incredible.

Oh god, singing in the Rain.

Singing in the Rain came out before this movie and they were like best Picture nominally.

This is as good as Singing in the Rain.

This.

Yeah, Singing in the Rain has really nothing to do with this movie. I don't think there's any crossover. But Singing in the Rain is perfect.

Okay, there you go.

Movie.

All right, Erica, That is the end of our show. Everyone listening, All you backdoor broncos, all you stage door salies out there. You can follow us on social media. We're on Blue Sky, We're on Threads, and we are on Instagram. Instagram is where we post our monthly themes, where we accept requests specifically for those monthly themes. If you want to get into on that, you gotta follow

Title of my sex tape, Yeah That Aged Well is produced and edited by Paul Brassy Ginger Kola. We would like to thank Amy and Marybeth, Tanya, Jessica, Mary Kimberly, Mara, Shannon Fay, Emily Kelly, Erica different Erica, not me, Olivia, and a couple of people whose names cannot be determined from their social media profiles. Also, I just want to give a shout out to the people who for years have been shouting at us to do this movie, to cover this film, and we're not just mentioned because they

If you want to.

Have a say in the topics we discussed, you can join our Patreon. Every patron gets to vote in an exclusive monthly poll to determine one of our subjects. So head on over to patreon dot com slash that Aged Well podcast to find out more. Speaking of which, some tears and our Patreon come with thanks from a podcast character. And today we're hearing from the one, the Only, the icon the moment, Miss Piggy.

Piggy is everything. Okay, yo, you what really salts my pork?

Uh No, that was rhetorical.

I'll tell you who does it?

Martha Stuart.

I left her a message asking for a nice.

Lunch between old friends, and her team responded that they wanted more to make an on screen appearance with Martha.

Oh okay, I can see how that could be upsetting.

Who would you know about it?

You have a lot of old friends with teams mmmmm.

So even though it really spirals my hand to be talking to underlings when I know Martha has my number, I said, certainly, and I sent in the basics in my appearance. Fee.

Oh okay, I take it. They they didn't want to meet your feet.

Oh wow, step aside, miss Gleo. There's a new act in town.

You got any one hundred number to go with that?

Crystal ball.

Hey, nobody cares.

Martha's lucky that your email came in right as I received the counter offer, because my bacon.

Was sizzling enough.

Then I might have sent her financials to the FBI again, huh.

At least I know my fee is always met here.

So I'm thrilled to come and say.

Thank you to Michael Escobie though for being a patron of that age.

Dwell, well, thank you, Peggy.

Were very reclaiming my time.

Okay, Michael, you seem like a lovely person. And just remember, if you are ever speaking to a legend of a stage and screen, the appearance fee is not a starting point for a negotiation. And if you ever speak to Martha.

Stewart, you can remind you that I am not a flea market vendor.

I am goddamn miss Peggy.

Wow she was hot today.

Ouch. Yeah, I thought she might hit me.

Yeah, I'm so glad.

I'm surprised me get a hia.

She was violence today.

She was she was sizzling, which she said she was sizzling, and she was right.

It smelled really good in here.

It was delicious.

Yeah, I have to say it smelled real.

I want breakfast, all right, Erica, any final thoughts on seven Brides for seven Brothers.

I'm going to go out to my whacking cabin.

That's where that's where Joe Pesci from Goodfellas lives, and he and I are going to go whack some people.

Have you see miss Piggy there? Run?

Run run? What if you got like kidnapped by the ugly one?

Right?

What if the ugly one?

Like and I'm not naming names, yeah, because you know what, there might be someone different for other people. Sure, but you and I both know who we're talking about. If that was the one that came to my door, and and like I could, I just looked at Benjamin or like, I think Daniel one of them is hot, Caleb and Daniel I like, but I can't remember.

There is a middle one that's like a very close second.

We're going this through process of a limiting. Frank's also hot. They're all hot.

Look and Russ Tamblin is unimpeachable. I am not talking about Russ Hamplin. He does have a bulldog face, but I am not talking about Russ Hamplin.