Dynasty - Servant Uniforms, Koi & a Vision In Plum

I was on the phone with one of my parents and I had it on speaker because I was doing something in the kitchen, and I know the word Google was not said. Okay, that does not matter, because all of a sudden, the Google machine that I have in my kitchen that helps me like set the timer and plays music while I will I cook just started out of nowhere going a bcp F g h I j k lmnop, and I, like I was chilled to my fucking bone.

Was ant like haunted child's voice.

Was a haunted child voice. I don't know what triggered it, and I know how that thing heard whatever mundane conversation I was having about cooking cereal or whatever I was doing with my parents cooking cereal. I'm not a big cook.

Call.

I said what I said?

What sentence sounds like? Please sing the alphabet song in the creepiest voice ever? Yeah?

Hey Google?

Yeah?

Can you haunt me forever? Can you make sure I don't sleep for the rest of my life?

Hey Google, can you send a chill up my spine?

Hey Google, what does it sound like right before you die? Hey have g.

Hey Google, can you explain the phrase to me? My bowels? Turned to water.

Oh now I can't even eat my cereal. Hey I'm Paul in America and this is that age dwell yesterday's pop culture to.

Day to day today and all month we are doing nighttime soap.

Operas slap, tickle bang.

What if? Rather than revenge and betrayal. It was just like slap it a sound. It was on a monopoia.

It's just yeah, just what it would be like those old Batman cartoons.

Bam wow wow, that would be a great way to advertise a TV show. I think.

I mean, I think a new like nighttime soap that also is like an old timey Batman cartoon. Be amazing.

It would be amazing a night. They did try to do a nighttime soap with superheroes with like Michael Chicklis and Julie Ben's. They did. Yeah, it was like one season. It wasn't good.

What I want is like when Blair Waldorf and Serena vander Woodson fight, for them to slap each other and there'd be like a bap on the screen. That's what I want.

Yeah, you the little visual effects. Yeah, so that's that is a winter winter chicken dinner. I'll tell you that Erica. We have five star Apple podcast reviews. Shall I? Shall I read the first one?

Sure?

Okay? This is from KTG seven seven seven seven, and they write, get out of my head or get back into it. This podcast feels like it sprang from my strange subconscious like Athena. Ooh fun not a parth in the Genesis mentioned this early in the podcast. Sprang from my strange subconscious like Athena, but from the nineties as a certified theater kid, hey girl whose personality gateway drugs included The Muppet Show, Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Drop

WHOA Okay, Hi, praise.

Please know that you have made this neurospicy, middle aged queer woman in rural Oklahoma so very happy and I thank you. Oh. I feel seen by a podcast in a way I never imagine, and that's eerily intimate. Keep it up. I adore you, Purple heart ps. Speaking of Phyllis Diller, I highly recommend the nineteen sixty seven cult, treasure, mad monster party. It would be a fun one for Spooky season.

Woo.

I love this idea already.

I love this idea.

Yeah. Our comedy pics on Spooky Season are getting more and more esoteric as we go on.

More seventies, more sixties, bring it on, more weird old icons, more of everything, Yeah, more of everything, Yes.

KTG seven seven seven seven.

Seven seven seven seven seven.

Thank you, thank you so much. This is a very very sweet review.

I hope you rural Oklahoma is treating you well. I hope you're enjoying the vistas and the mountains and I don't know what's in Oklahoma. I'm not gonna lie to you.

And thank you for not hating this. These these elite, elitist East Coast cunts.

Yea, these elitist East Coast cunts are very excited to have you on board.

Thank you, thank you. Do you want to read the second one?

Sure? Second review comes from Philly MJS Mental Comfort Food.

It's cute.

This show was an accidental discovery but has quickly become one of my favorite podcasts, offering hilarious takes on some of my favorite guilty pleasure movies. The episodes on the cutting edge, Center Stage and Hackers are absolute must listen to. You have amazing taste in movies, affiliate mjs. I just want you to know that, but don't sleep on that. Show Girls too hard either.

Versus the Volcano.

Hosts Paul and Erica have fantastic chemistry and their laughter is often contagious. There is now a cream for it though, just so you know there is.

They said it is rectal.

They have created a sab to prevent the contagion from our laughter, just so you know. My single complaint is that, as of this writing, they have yet to cover thirteen going on thirty or Bring It On Too, excellent films. You're gonna have to keep complaining, I'm afraid because we have not covered those again. You're absolutely right, Yeah, we will get to both those films.

Bring it On. It's gonna be uh quite the thing to tackle.

I love Bring It Off.

I love it too, but it's so it's it's not perfect.

It's not.

Yeah, but what is true?

But truly what is except for the sab that they created and Phyllis Neffler and Phillis Neffler and Phyllis Diller.

Yes, and Chris from stand by me and Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez, Yep and Billy from Big yep Y's.

Other than that, those are the only perfect things on earth.

Oh KTG seven seven seven seven Philly mjs, thank you for these reviews. We so appreciate them. If you would like that, Adel Tote Bags, let me know. Hey, this is me, here's my address and I will send them off for you. Erica, what is the nighttime soap that we are digging into today?

Today's soap? Today's prime time soap opera is Dynasty.

Mmm. This was requested by Benji by CJ Joanna Shannon Noel and I'm gonna say Alana, but I'm not entirely sure how to pronounce this. It's a bit of an odd spelling, but Alana or perhaps Elhana lovely either way. Dynasty was created by Richard and Esther Shapiro and it aired from nineteen eighty one to nineteen eighty nine. We will be discussing season five, episode twenty nine, titled Royal Wedding, which had a story by Camille Marquetta and Susan Baskin

And in case you're like, okay, but that's the whole cast, who's actually in this episode? Paul, that's it. All those fucking people, plus like seventeen more correct stuffed to the gills this episode. In discussing Dynasty as a show, producer Douglas S Camp Names NaN's name is Camp Names matter, Names matter, People stated, we walk a fine line just

Cooy I say, I think that's a miscalculous.

Mister Camp, get your shit together. You are wrong, You are wrong. Is Camp fucked up? Harder? On Camp? Like?

I cannot imagine how iconic it would have been if they had just a fake koyfish.

The most rubber, fake looking cooyfish.

And they had Joan Collins whip it out of the water and smackling Evans across the face.

Amazing, uh amazing, smacker across the boobs with it.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. It was with some great zinger like you got fish on your tits, heyfish tits.

Hey fishhits. Yeah, you got some coy on your cleavage.

What's the matter? KOI got your cleavage.

The man's name is Douglas S. Camp.

Yeah, and he apparently doesn't understand camp.

Everything about is this camp? Are we being punked? Is this a fake thing that you wrote that you wrote to punk me?

I didn't write it. I honestly, I wish I could have come up with it, because it's one of the most amazing things I've ever read.

Haha.

If they can't go into a coy pond, let them fall into, like, I don't know, a river. And then they come up with like salmon, a salmon, absolutely in the salmon. They go into the grunion run, they start are grunting at each other.

It's one of those salmon you see on the Muppet Show hitting room with that the head with his salmon perfect.

Erica Dynasty season five does not have a Rotten Tomatoes score. However, season one has a fifty percent critical rating.

Look, I can't speak to any of this. I'm gonna spoil something right now for everyone I've never seen Dynasty. Last night was my first time ever seeing any episode of Dynasty, and it was this bunker's halfway through the show. I don't know what's going on. There's forty five people to keep track of. They all look exactly alike. John Collins is the only person who looks different from everyone.

Else, and Diane Carroll, well, Diane Carroll for.

Obvious reasons, but like, but also dian Carroll's barely in the episode. It is the most blonde white women you will ever see crossing your your field division, and you cannot tell them apart.

I see, I had an easier time with the women. I could not tell the men of that.

There are four dudes who are constantly playing like some sport on a lawn. Genuinely, I don't know who any of those men are correct correct, So anyway, I just want to say I cannot speak to like the critical rating this deserves, or like how how it works, like as an arc? How you know what Season one accomplished in terms of moving the needle forward on nighttime network television, because I am so busy trying to get my goddamn bearings.

What the fuck is going on?

I am watching correct, so fine, fifty percent seems fine?

Fine?

I guess what do you think?

Yeah? I think it seems fine. I mean, it's so ridiculous to today's eyes, it's entertaining. Oh my god, it's so I was entertained.

Are not entertained?

You put the show into the gladiatorial arena with most other shows, It's gonna win. He's gonna smack those other shows with a koyfish.

Paul, when did you first see Dynasty?

I have never seen a single episode of Dynasty ever in my life?

Is this your first?

This is my first episode? We are? We are? You know as one in this? I actually told you. I was like, try not to spend too much time looking up, looking up the backstory. I have it all, like I did all the backstory work that I possibly could.

There's a murder board in here, I'm looking at it now. There's there's there's rope and twine everywhere everywhere.

Uh, it is bonkers, But like I said, incredibly entertaining. I mean just Joan Collins is just watchable. They can't.

A few of these people are watchable.

Yeah, I have to say none of the men.

I'm trying to think like John Force. You know what kind of I kind of like? You know who I like. I don't know his name. The actor who's married to Joan Collins, the character Michael Nader dex that guy dex Yeah. I think the character's name is something like Farmhouse Dexter.

It's farn It's farnes Worth dexter, I think. But his dex dexter.

Farnsworth is worse than Farmhouse. I made it better. The man's name is Farnsworth Dexter.

I'm not a thousand, but I think you're right.

I really do think you're right, because I read it yesterday and my brain translated it to farmhouse. That guy's good. I thought he held his own in like the most insane.

Circumsantas all right, Erica. The tagline for Dynasty was greed, seduction, betrayal, revenge. Dynasty has it all and more and more.

Dresses, dresses, dresses.

Homosexuals as far as the eye can.

See, dresses, dresses, dresses. That's all I care about. The outfits on this show. It's that eighties ugly but fabulous all at the same time where it's like, if I saw this in person, would I like it? I don't know, right, But on the screen with the with these people like, all I want is a fashion parade, That's all I want. There is a woman wearing truly one of the ugliest things I've ever seen put to film on this But five minutes into that scene, I was like, or is

Do you not tell me which one you're talking about? I want to find out in the moment.

Oh my god, No, you know what I'm talking about already, because if you saw the same episode I did. There is one outfit that is truly unbelievably hideous.

It's the Heatherlockier one.

No, no, it's not Heatherlockleier. I don't know the actress's name.

Oh, the riding outfit.

If I'm being honest, I don't know the character's name either. It's a blonde woman.

The duchess is outfit, the riding one.

It's not one of the Duchess's outfits. No, we'll go get to We'll get to it. But like it's truly this like eighties excess in like the most visually appealing way where all of it is wrong but like the some of its parts are all wrong, but like the whole is right. Yeah, And I don't know how they managed to do it? Am I wrong? Am I crazy? No?

I there are things that are objectively ugly in this And I'm like more more.

That Linda Evans like suit that's like that's like lavender, and it's got like wings on the sleeves. Yeah, I'm like, oh my god, the wings on this. And then she's talking, talking to I barely paid attention to, like what's happening on the show, She's talking, talking, talking, and I'm like, or is that excellent? I think that's amazing. I think she's pulling it off.

I want one, all right? Shall I read the iTunes synopsis?

Sure?

Okay? So Elena confesses to Amanda that nothing happened in the bedroom with Prince Michael. Sammy Joe fits her roommate Rita with a blonde wig and has her practice duplicating Crystal's voice. Fallon has chosen a new name and heads for Denver Dex is kidnapped by Yuri and his gang is Amanda and Michael recite their wedding vows. Dex breaks free from his captors and heads for the chapel, where terrorists have opened fire on the entire wedding party.

Why did they give it that away? That's bullshit. They should not have given that away.

Should I cut that part? Should we not tell them?

Honestly, we should re re edit it and be like, guys, ear muffs right here unless you don't want to know what's happening. Just ear muffs.

Hopefully didn't ruin this for anybody. I mean, I even though I have never seen Diney, I kind of knew that this happened. This is one of the more famous oh I had.

I knew absolutely nothing about really except that it starred Linda Evans and Joan Collins.

Okay, do you know we just.

Did Scrooged like a few weeks ago, and I knew I loved John Forsyth, So when he popped up on my screen here, I was like, oh, yeah, it's John forsythe he gets very little to do in this episode. It's not worth it. But like, and I didn't know Heather Locklear was on this show did Melrose Place with Heather Locklear, And I was like, oh my god, another Heather Locklear thing right away, like that's crazy.

Yeah. Yeah, this nighttime soap world is quite incestuous. Yeah.

Well, and she's the queen. She's like, well maybe Joan Collins is the queen, which she's like the the princess.

Yeah, yeah, Paul, do you.

Have an actual synopsis for Dynasty?

Yes, actual synopsis for this episode of Dynasty. Forty five minutes of television and not one strand of hair moves.

No, not one, not one on anybody.

This episode of television created the whole Neozone layer.

This episode of television is brought to you by at Aquinet. Make your hair salacked to the point where you can get through. You can literally be shot at by terrorists, that's right. And that hair will not move, won't.

Move, that's right. You can dive to the floor in the midst of a firefight.

I'm not kidding. Like Ali McGrath's hair is a helmet.

It is.

They did her dirty. It is so mean they did her. It's like so dirty on this episode.

All right, everyone stick around, We are gonna come right back. We are going to take you through Dynasty. But before that, you're gonna hear some commercials. If you don't want to hear commercials, you can go to our Patreon Patreon dot com slash that Age Weel podcast. You join at any paid level, you get ad free episodes. If not, stay right here, we're gonna come right back, or we're gonna take you through Dynasty.

Dynasty Dynasty brought to you by Aquinette and Shoulder Pads.

That's right, and we're back after.

The gloriously over the top nearly two minutes credit sequence. I said what I said, Okay, my.

First note though, So the sequence starts and you see what I presume is the family home because we don't really see that.

Yes, I also did not know this took place in Denver. Nope, nothing against Denver. I've been there. Absolutely beautiful city, but doesn't scream like rich. So I was blown away by like this takes place in Denver. I don't know. I to me when I think rich bitches, I just assume Beverly Hills. I just like, I'm sorry. My brain goes to one place in one place, only fair enough, maybe Upper East Side of New York city. I'm a coastal elite.

I was surprised. I was. I was more surprised by the house, which is very nice, but was not as grand as I was expecting it to look. I was expecting probably what looks like a Beverly Hills mansion or or rich in.

Like a Texas way, a Texas oil money where it's a fucking palicial Bonker's estate.

If you had asked me where this took place, I thought it took place in Texas because I know that it was a competition with Dallas, So I think I was just assuming it was in Houston or something. I don't know why, but that was where my brain. That's what my brain did. My favorite part of the credits is the one clip of the horse just like sprinting through the field for no reason. Ah, yes, why is that there? Okay?

Anyways, so much snow, so many snow capped mountains. The opening credits to Dynasty, they show three young men in succession again I don't know who they are. I cannot keep track of this cast. There's too many people in it. But they're like, clearly the three sexy young guys on the show, right. They're not John forsythe who's like the patriarch. They're not like the more character actory guys. It's the

We wanted to make it more complicated, which is a.

Former principality like you can actually if you google it, there's a whole like, yeah, there's a whole history there. It stopped being a thing in eighteen fifty nine. Yeah, and it is part of current day Moldovia. But that will not stop the writers of Dynasty in nineteen eighty whatever of being like Moldavia. So we open at the Royal Palace as Alexis Carrington Colby played by Joan Collins. She is resplendent. Yes, do you want to explain the outfit?

It is plumb jod perse yep, and then.

I fucking love jodpurs. Okay, not on me, won't look good on me, but you put that on like a skinny rich lady yeah, I am.

In, You're in, You're in, and then suede boots just a few shades darker than the job purse, and then a billowing shoulder padded for the god's blouse a few shades lighter than the job purs. She is, she's a vision in plum.

A vision. Also, there's jewelry. There's so much jewelry.

And my hair is so big.

It is a it is a look. Ali McGrath has the helmet hair. I don't know what this is. She looks like a cute tip. That's someone that someone dipped in chocolate, because she has brown hair, black hair. But it's it's so big, it's it's almost a rich white lady afro like. It is close.

It looks too heavy for Joan Collins' skinny little frame, Like it's her neck gonna snap if it did a strong breeze.

It's gotta be a wig, right for real. It's a way, no way, She's not wearing wigs through this whole show. I cannot tease regular hair this much to make it do that and like and not have it move. It's just not possible. So okay, So Alexis is chiding her daughter, Amanda played by Catherine Oxenberg. Poor Amanda will be wearing oh, like a slip and a robe the entire show, almost

Well she got she gets one.

She gets one crazy terrible outfit but amazing, yeah, also amazing. So okay. So Alexis is chiding Amanda because Amanda is threatening to call off the wedding to the Crown Prince of Moldavia Michael.

In medias as they.

Say, Amanda has been told that Michael was unfaithful to her, and she angrily tells her mother that she cannot and will not marry a man she doesn't trust. And Alexis is like, girl, he a prince, what are you doing?

He slept with someone before you were married. Literally, what's the problem.

She That's exactly what she says to her daughter. By the way, Paul is not exaggerating. She says, baby, you're not even married yet, why do you care if he fucks around, and I'm like, what is what is parenting? What even is parenting?

Amanda won't be budged. And then a servant comes in, and so it's the fun thing about Moldavia. I'm gonna say, Moldova accidentally is a real country, because Moldova is real and Moldavia is not. It's this. It's Santa Carla and Santa Clara from the Lost Boys all over again. A servant comes in and he's a swarthy man. And because I had realized that this was a this is a fictitious country that they did this in, which is for the best, to be clear, I think fictitious was the way to go.

There is something I have to talk about later with this royal family. You know what, keep going. I can't, I can't.

He came in, and I briefly had a fear that we were going to be going with a bunch of white people playing like Middle Eastern and with like terrible, like racist accents. That is not what happens. This is a European country and they don't care about accents.

They could not care less about accents. We will get into it.

So this servant comes in and He says, the two of you are due a reception with King Galen of Moldavia at seven o'clock, right, And Alexis is like, we'll be there, and he leaves, and Alexis begs Amanda to at least allow Alexis to break the news diplomatically if she insists on this foolhardy path that she's chosen. But Amanda says, I will not play along during the reception. I have to say, with love and respect to Katherine Oxenberg Wolf, not a compelling actress, but not the.

Worst performance on the show. There's a woman later coming up later who is so terrible that I can't even win her.

We're gonna talk about when we get there.

It's I think thecharacter's name is Claudia.

Oh yeah, it's very rough.

He's so bad.

Yeah, So Alexis tells her, fine, if you won't play along, you can stay in your room and will tell everyone that you came down with the flu.

We cut to another room in the palace as Blake Carrington played by John Forsyth and his wife Crystal, which is not spelled. How you think it's going to be spelled? Every time it showed up on my screen because I watched this with the subtitles. I was like, that's how they're spelling Crystal.

There's a K and the L and the E or there's an e.

There's it, there's it. What why Crystal played by Linda Evans. They arrived for the wedding, and.

This is the suit you were talking about, like the bluebell suit with like the wings on the side, with.

The wings on the side. And then I'm like, oh, that's so ugly. And then and then like she's talking, talking and talking about god knows what, and I'm like, or is it? Is it amazing? So they arrived for the wedding. Crystal is pensive over an upcoming will reading this has nothing to do. Don't worry about it, don't worry about it. As her niece Sammy Joe will be there and that bitch always causes trouble.

Yep.

Blake asks her to enjoy the upcoming wedding and put Sammy Joe out of her mind, and Crystal smiles and nods like a good little wifey. I have to say, these two there's like the they're like the heads of the family of the of the TV show. Basically, I do like them. As a couple, they seem. It's crazy how normal they seem compared to everyone else.

And from my understanding, their wedding is the beginning of the show, and they they are together the whole time like it is.

It's a love match, it's a real love match. But they also both seem very normal, which is great because it grounds the show in like, yeah, these two actually normal people with all these like these whirling dervishes of insanity around them.

Yeah.

We cut to New York City where Sammy Joe played by Goddess Heather Locklear. Yep, she's so pretty in this Oh yeah, good gravy. That's a beautiful woman. She's listening to a message from her aunt and from Crystal spelled so wrong on her on her answering machine because it is the eighties. Her roommate Rita, also played by Linda Evans, and can I tell you, I don't know what Linda Evans looks like because I watched this entire scene going who is that? I know that woman.

I did not realize it was actually Linda Evans until their second scene much later.

Oh, I googled it. I literally google. I had to google Rita Dynasty actress, and I thought it was going to be like Joanna Gleeson. I'm like, yes, someone I know. I just don't know how I know them, because it is Linda Evans and a red wig accent and a Southern accent, you know what. Not bad. She acquits herself nicely as Rita. She's more interesting as Rita, frankly than his Crystal. And I was like, oh my god, that's Linda Evans. I spent the entire scene thinking this was

No, No, that's at Joanna, Joanna Cassidy, Joanna Cassidy, Thank you, that's who I.

Thought this was. Yeah, I can see that for like fully thirty seconds. So Rita appears to be an actress right as a voice actress specifically, and Sammy Joe has a thought. Yep, she asks Rita if she thinks she could impersonate Crystal's voice, because you know, she also has a striking resemblance to Crystal. Yeah, and Rita's like, perhaps, uh huh dun dun dune.

Let me tell you. I hunted through the Dynasty Wikipedia which that exists.

Oh, I did too to try to.

Figure out if there's any reason that Rita is Crystal's stoppelganger from what I can tell. No, She's just a random roommate that Sammy Joe has that happens to look exactly like her aunt.

However, that does play dividendly, Yeah it does. Yeah.

So we cut back to Moldavia. The King's reception is fully underway and we're going to meet just an avalanche of characters. Also, I just have to point out out the servants at this gala are dressed like they are about to be cursed by our sorceress to live out their lives as candlelobbers and clocks.

Okay, Paul, let me let me read to you my exact thing that I wrote when I watched this. These poor waiters are dressed like Loumier's at the end of Beauty and the Beast.

Yes, they all are all Cogsworth.

They all look like Cogsworth and Lumier at the end when they get turned back yep into into into people.

And this came first, which means I think the Beauty and the Beast people copied copied this the Moldavian servants uniform. Okay, so first we meet Alexis's husband Dex, played by Michael Nator. This is Farm's Farmhouse from before.

Possibly the best of the male actors on this show.

Yep, I think there's one that's actually better, but it's a good chance to shine. I only say that because I've seen him in other things and I know he's a good actor. Oh okay, Yeah, So Dex approaches her. He wants to talk about their marriage, but Alexis puts him off, doesn't have time for this. Then we meet Alexis's step son, Jeff Colby. He's played by John James. This is a very generic looking brunette man, so janire.

I could not tell any of these men apart.

Yeah. He is pressing his older lover, Lady Ashley Mitchell Ali McGraw for an answer to his marriage proposal.

Allie McGraw is in this, you guys, Ali McGrath like movie star Ali McGraw. I squealed, yeah when I saw her. I knew Diane Carroll would be in this because I've already I just knew that ahead of time. I was so surprised to see Ali McGraw in this.

I with love and respect to Ali McGraw man. This is a black hole of chrisma going on right here.

This is rough. I'm not glad to you. She's not good in this, but she's she's doing her level best. Paul with given the worst character on this show. Uh.

Then we meet Stephen Carrington played by Jack Coleman. Now you may not realize who this is at first. If you watched Heroes, this is horn rimmed glasses from Heroes.

I kind of watched Heroes, but I don't really.

Do you remember Angela's gay husband from the Office.

Yeah, oh my god. Wow, Okay, he looks better older. Yes, he does not look as good in this. Well it's fine.

But he also has a mullet. It's an eighties o mullet. And he's the blonde. He's gay, so he's blonde.

Yeah, okay, let's a little let's just I'm gonna jump ahead. I did not know they were going to be gay people on the show, And when they revealed this character to be gay later, I squealed. I could not believe that they had gay characters on TV in nineteen eighty whatever this is, did you know they were gay people.

I knew there was.

I did not know that. I genuinely like gobsmacked, jaw on the floor.

I was like, there's gay. We have gaye, we have gates, and we have gays. He's not like the lead character of this episode, but he has more of a storyline than Melrose Place, which happens almost ten years later. Yes, like he actually has some stuff to do.

Well, he has a lover in this episode.

So we meet his boyfriend, Luke, played by Billy Campbell, the Great Billy Campbell, so handsome.

Oh that is Billy Campbell. I didn't recognize it.

Yeah, he's so different.

Say it's Billy Campbell, Like, of course that was Billy camp Yeah.

The gay the gays can act. I don't know that. They demonstrate it in this episode and blown away.

I watched this yesterday and I did not recognize him.

Yeah. Uh. Then we meet Claudia Blaisdell played by Pamela Bellwood.

Okay, poor girl, look there's a lot.

So first, Okay, this dress, this is the dress of talking about Okay, oh yeah, this is the it is.

It is a disco nightmare.

It's so bad. So it's it's one of those. It's kind of baggy, but fitted. Baggy's not the right word. Likes.

It's meant to be oversized, oversized, oversized, and yet fitted because it starts at the most shoulder shoulder pads you've ever seen, the biggest shoulder pads ever, and then tapers down. So because it also has a very deep V in the front, she's literally dressed like she is like the most coked out person at Studio fifty four to walk around like the polo grounds in Moldavia.

But you're forgetting the best part.

No, no, I'm not. I'm not. I just want to describe the dress in all of its accurate glory. Okay, So it tapers down to her to her hips. You are like, no, Eric, I think you meant to say tapers down to her waist. No, no, it tapers down to her hips, and then at her hips it is gathered with a giant gold Lemmee sash that is just tight around her hips and asks to keep the dress in place, and then it just kind of falls from

But you it is?

But but does it also look incredible?

Is it a perfect tallow costume?

Yes? Also the sexiest thing I've ever seen. I don't know. I don't know, Paul. This show has broken my brain.

So Claudia is Steven. Stephen is the gay son. Claudia is Stephen's fragile ex wife. They have a child together. She is currently in a relationship with Adam Carrington played by Gordon Thompson.

Wait, they're not brothers, right, their cousins.

No, Adam and Stephen are brothers, but Adam was thought to be was kidnapped as an infant and came back as an adult like was resurfaced like two seasons ago on the show as an adult. So he is Steven's full brother.

Got it? So she is now with her ex husband's brother. Yes, they're carrying on an illicit affair.

Correct. Now their relationship has been forbidden by Blake. That's John Forsyth, the patriarch of the family, because he said that the failure of Claudia and Steven's relationship turned his son gay again.

Okay.

Look.

Normally I would be like, that's terrible, what a terrible thing say to someone. But then I looked at that dress and I thought, well, maybe maybe that's possible. You guys, if you marry a sentient disco ball, yeah, you might turn out to be gay. It might make you gay.

We do on this podcast believe that it is nature, not nurture. But if it is nurture, but if it is, this is the nurturing that we'll do.

It is guys, like, do not marry sentient disco balls. They will turn you gay.

They will. It's true. Also, she is I may not get this right. Alexis married the Colby patriarch. To get Alexis Carrington Colby, I believe Claudia is his first wife. What I think.

Claudia is like twenty five years younger than Johan Collins.

I think I could be wrong, or maybe she's married to his son. I could be wrong, but no, she's married to his son. Excuse me.

She's definitely a different generation from the others.

She's married to Colby's son, so she's technically Alexis's stepdaughter.

Got it, and Adam is Alexis's son son. Yes, got as is gay Stephen correct, Okay, got it now? Who birthed the disco ball?

That would be the Colby's, got you?

No?

Wait, no, no, sorry, she's married into the Colby's. We don't know her parents or I.

Don't know Freddy Mercury birth disco ball.

Freddy Mercury and Robert Maplethorpe fucked and they birthed this dress.

Halston shot this dress out. Yeah, and that's how it became.

Yeah, all right. Finally we meet Dominique Devereaux played by Diane Carroll. She is Blake's half sister. She is black. Uh, just a really fun backstory on Dominique Devereux and Dian Carroll. The role was created for her. She campaigned for a role on Dynasty because she wanted she thought she'd have racial diversity. And she said, I want to be the first black bitch on television. Wow.

Yeah, clearly she never saw Eartha Kits Catwoman, just saying, but wow, good for her. Okay, already more diversity than fucking Melrose Place had last week, I have to say.

And she was the only black actress with a regular role on like a nighttime soap at that time. It was just her.

I bet, Yeah, that's incredible. Wait a good day, and Carol, I haven't. She doesn't do much in this episode, but I every once in a while Instagram will serve me clips of her and Joan Collins like sniping at each other, and it is so excellent.

Yeah.

Meanwhile, we meet Crown Prince Michael played by Michael Prade Prade Pride, who is being pursued by Elena, the Duchess of Brenna played by Carrie Armstrong, his ex fiancee. Okay, then we're gonna have to talk about Mouldiavian accents. Now. The King Galen has an American accent, correct, The Prince Michael has a British accent. Elena, the Duchess has something like a Swedish accent.

Something up there.

Definitely like it's Norwegian, it's Swedish, it's Scandinavian. Later on in the episode there will be an archbishop, the Archbishop of Moldavia has, I swear to Christ a Belgian accent. What is this country?

It's a melting pot Erica, a.

True melting pot in every sense of the word. This is the craziest. They didn't even like have a meeting to be like, can we just all agree that we all have like a generic English accent? Or can we all agree that we have no accents and we're all just American?

Can we just.

Agree on a fucking accent? So Elena is the one who told Amanda that Michael the Prince, her fiance had been unfaithful. Elena's like, I need to talk to you, Michael, and Michael's like, I can't talk to you right now, Elena, I don't even want to look at you. You're ruining my life. And then he opens his door to find his bodyguard Yuri on the other side with an iepatch.

We cut back to the reception. Blake pulls Alexis aside in case it's not clear to everyone. Blake and Alexis are exes, in case anyone didn't know that, I don't know if we actually said that.

They are, like so prior to this show starting, they birthed a bunch of children and all the nonsense we're watching now is their drama. And then they split up. He married Crystal. Okay. That's the other funny thing when you start to think about this is all of these people flew to Moldavia for this wedding, but it doesn't make any sense some of them. I'm like, why are you here? Why were you even invited? Why is Steven's ex wife invited to this wedding? Why is she there?

So Blake demands Alexis tell him why Amanda is skipping the party, and she relents and she tells him the truth. Maybe you can talk some sense into her. So we cut to Blake confronting Amanda upstairs. Now, in case you're wondering, Erica, Amanda is Alexis and Blake's fourth child. Right, Okay, we met two of the other ones. We met the two boys. Okay, then there's this one, and there's also Fallon, who will very briefly meet later in the.

Episode I can't wait to talk about Fallen.

Yeah, Blake did not know about Amanda's existence for a very long time because apparently Alexis was pregnant with her when they split up, and she kept Amanda hidden from him for most of her life. So she popped up at the beginning of this season.

I did not know that.

So, in case you're wondering how strong this father daughter bond is, it's at most one year.

Oh my god, this woman is twenty five. If she's a minute, how do you hide a twenty five year old?

So Blake tells Amanda that she has to grow up and make a decision, and Amanda says she knows that he's right, but she doesn't know what to do. And Blake tells her that she has to decide what she wants, but once she figures that out, he'll support her in whatever decision she makes, and the two embrace. It's actually kind of a nice again, Like you said, Blake and Crystal, at least in this episode.

I don't I cannot normal. They're so normal, I tell you how normal.

Decent like parental figures.

Yeah, well, except for telling Claudia that she turned her.

The soun Okay, right, we didn't do that in this episode.

That was that was another episode. I didn't even know that happened, and frankly, she probably did. I said what I said. So Blake goes to find Michael on the grounds of the palace to ask him for his side of the story about what the fuck happened with Elena.

Right now, I just point out something real quick here. I want to start tracking time. So we know that the reception was at seven pm the prior, in the evening.

Uh huh, they all arrived yesterday, I'm sure presumed.

Presumably, Yeah, they're all at the reception, presumptively. Alexis tells Blake why a man isn't there, and he goes upstairs to talk to her. Now it is now full daylight, so we're it's the next day now that this is happening.

Yeah, yeah, okay, she's still in her robe. Everyone else has changed at least twice. By the way, there's a scene here the two of them are walking around the grounds, Blake and Michael. And you know that Michael is royalty of some sort because he does the universal actor thing. He walks with both hands behind his back. That is such a thing, such an actor thing when you're like, I'm playing royalty, I walk with my hands behind my plushment. I sort of christ Everyone saw Prince Charles do it

You cheat, protest too much.

Blake heads back to Amanda to report Michael's story and tell her that he believed it. I believed him when he said he didn't cheat on you. But stress is that it's still Amanda's decision to make. I'm not telling you anything except that I did fly literally everyone we've ever met out here for this wedding, and I really hate to not have a wedding after all the trouble and expense I've went through. But anyway, it's still on your decision.

We cut to the Palace grounds, where a proto top gun volleyball scene is happening in the background.

This made me so every time they cut to these boys just doing sports, just random sports.

Yep, Lady Ashley that's Ally McGraw confides in Dominique, that's Diane Carroll, that she's concerned the age difference be too much in her potential. I'm sorry, I've dozed off. This was so boring. Not even Dian Carroll can make this interesting.

All I could look at is the hair is Ally McGrath's hair. It's all I saw. Yeah.

We cut to Alexis later that night. I guess so because she is now again dolled up. She is now like for reception of some sort.

Is the red dress or is this No, this.

Is the the bubblegum pink dress with the halter with it like the halter that looks a little bit from a distance, like someone crumpled up tinfoil and wrapped it around her neck.

I love this dress.

And then there's this enormous structural part that's like gathered up. It almost looks like like pulling taffy around. Yeah. I like everything except the strap. The strap is too much for me.

Everything I like everything on this Everything everyone wears this dress is amazing.

So Alexis walks into this random room in the palace, and King Galen follows her into the room, wanting to talk about us. Right, so yeah, So it turns out that like the two of them knew each other from years back, and they were madly in love. Alexis is more focused on the Amanda situation. She asks if the king can speak to Elena, the Duchess of Brana, and he says they should let the children work it out

Dex has that amazing thing that actor Michael Nader is that amazing thing where he's like he looks and they don't know that he sees them, and he he quietly storms off.

It's so good.

We cut to Dex in another room, drinking whiskey in the dark. Alexis centers and the two of them start to fight.

Yep.

He demands to know how far it's gone between her and the King of Moldavia, and she snaps back about as far as things between you and Amanda.

Now, Erica, what what you might wondering? You might be wondering about that line, So I did a little research for you. You might be thinking. When Amanda appeared on the show about twenty episodes ago, did she attempt to seduce her mother's husband, Yes, yes she did. Did she succeed, Yes, yes she did.

Oh my god.

Did Dex reportedly regret it immediately and announce his plans to marry it Alexis after boning her daughter. Yes, yes he did.

Oh my god. That's why Alexis is all like, Yo, whatever happens before you're married is just part of the game, baby.

That's right. Yeah, what what happens? Prenuptial stays produce.

N actual Yeah? That Oh my god. I did not. Okay, all right, I figured because after that line, I was like, wait, That's when I started to google, like, wait, are Amanda and Alexis full mother and daughter or is she like her adopted daughter? What's Oh my god? Their full mother and daughter?

Yes?

Is disgusting. Okay, So Dex leaves furious as Alexis screams, you bastard, everything everything.

The next morning dawns and Alexis manages to corner Elena. That's the duchess, that's the accuser of Michael, and she demands she tell Amanda the truth. She even tells Elena what the truth is, and Elena scoffs in her face, and then Galen appears and he manages to love her something about her father and businesses, and no one cares.

He basically he's like Elena's father will disown her if she breaks up the marriage somehow between Michael and Amanda.

Yeah. Elena, by the way, is wearing almost just a writing outfit, but instead of jobberr she's wearing gaucho's.

It's super weird, but also a skirt. It looks like she's wearing pants and a skirt at the same time.

Those were billowing pants.

I don't know. All I know is like, unless you're going side saddle, you are not writing a goddamn thing in this outfit. And she is covered to her ankles in this outfit.

So he basically forces Elena to go tell Amanda what Alexis wants her to hear. I am not clear on whether or not that is the truth. It seems I think it is. It is.

I think Michael does not cheat on Amanda.

I believe that.

I just want to believe in love. I just want to believe in faithfulness and love, and I want to believe in Amanda and Michael. They're gonna make it work, Paul, this is gonna be a marriage for the ages.

Elena does it, she's told. She goes to Amanda, who at this point has been in her room in a dressing gown for no fewer than forty eight hours.

Aha, is she even eating in there? Are they bringing her water and food and shit?

That room smells like a fart. It smells like just one long fart. Elena tells Amanda that Michael refused Elena's advances, and Amanda says she believes her, but she asks if Elena thinks she and Michael are a good match, and Elena turns around and says, no, I don't. You don't have what it takes to be a prince's wife, and then she leaves.

We cut to Claudia in a salmon leather business suit. PAULA love this. It's pretty fat, actually fucking great. A leather, like a soft like buttery leather business suit, the kind of one.

Where you can like roll up the sleeves on the jacket.

Yeah, but it's in Salmon. I love everything about this. She's running to catch up with Adam, who is wearing tennis whites and carrying a racket balls at Kimbo. Let me tell you, oh, do not look too closely.

I am so glad you said that, because I was like, maybe I'm just being gross, but I feel like I can see his penis.

You get one hundred percent see his penis and balls through those tennis whites. Most TVs back then were twelve inches. People couldn't really see things.

But I haven't in this shot, but I have.

I have a large HGTV. You can see peni and balls. Paul rides here, and he's not wrong. He's carrying a tennis racket despite there being to our eyes, no tennis court anywhere in sight.

Yeah.

She says she doesn't want to be his embarrassing secret, and he says it's just easier for them to carry on in private and not anger. Blake. It Islake really that concerned that a second son will turn gay co he can't possibly be he can't, we actually think is Claudia's fall.

Come on, to be clear, Stephen was gay first and then married a woman and then can be gay again.

He married a sentient disco ball and that turned him straight. But some men can marry a sentient disco ball and it's fine.

Yeah, he's David Barton, for instance, who was married to Susan Barte.

That is literally the best example I could think of. Yeah, that is a man who like, is married to a gay man but is still standing. Yeah, yeah, is still a straight man married to a woman. He says he loves her, and she tells him to start acting like it or she'll be gone forever. And this is a point where I'm like, who invited her to this wedding? Why is she here?

Why is she here?

She runs off and he follows her meanwhile across the lawn. I'm learning their names in real time, you guys, because they don't know their names. At this point. Stephen and Luke Gay and his lover are like, just like laxadaisically kicking a soccer ball back and forth.

Gay people doing gay things.

They're doing sports they were doing. They were doing volleyball first, and now they're doing this this sport.

The Moldavian royal family heard they were gay and just hand them a bunch of balls when they walk.

A You know what, I did not know, because this is the scene in which Erica learns these characters are gay. I did not know they were gay until right now. So this actually puts that volleyball scene in way stark relief. Like that actually makes that volleyball scene amazing, because I think there's a moment where they're both spiking the ball at the same time and they end up like rubbing up against each other and everyone's like there's tension. I

I see homosexuals, Well, they know they're gay, No.

Wonder they don't know how to do sports.

Boom boom, got it?

Burt you burnt homosexuals? Yea burnt fruits, yeap burnt.

So Stephen was used to working with two balls at once.

So Stephen responds, and his feelings about Claudia are complicated. Once you fall in love with a disco ball, it's hard to turn away. There's complicated as his feelings about himself, and clearly the term bisexual just had not yet been invented. Yeah, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love Luke. In fact, when they get home, he and his son are going to move in with Luke.

The way he said that, I was like, did Luke ask, is this your idea or his idea?

And that's it took me this long because at first he's like our relationship isn't gonna work if you're still obsessed with Claudia. And I was like, Okay, maybe they're talking about like Luke's relationship to Claudia instead of Stephen's relationship with Luke. And I was like, it's not until they literally are like, I'm going to move into your house with my son, and then they do bro hug. That's the best they could get away with back then

Yeah, oh my god.

They're good.

I have to say, like, for it being nineteen eighty five or whatever, like I thought this scene was actually pretty.

Good, Like it's so sweet.

It's sweet, and Stephen saying like, I have complicated feelings about myself, like he his arc over the whole show, from what I can tell, is basically him struggling with his sexuality, which in the nineteen eighties, it's a real fucking arc that takes a long time in that time, like it, you know, and his father clearly doesn't support him. I think he and Crystal actually have a really good relationship if I understand all the all my readings correctly.

You're Billy Campbell and you're adorable.

You're adorable.

So the two bros hug it out pro style and dude, dude, love fucking love you, dude. Meanwhile, we see Blake seeing Adam and Claudia kiss across the courtyard. So Blake is the father of Adam and Stephen. He blames Claudia for turning Stephen gay and now she's now she's on his other son.

Yeah. We cut to Amanda, who has finally left the room, but she is wearing an insane white suit. And I know what you're thinking, listeners, You're thinking, it's a white suit. How insane can it be? I have one word, two syllables, netting. There is netting on this suit. There are there band aid colored strips of accent fabric with a vague giraffe pattern on them, and the netting causes visible shoulder pads.

I don't remember this at all. I may have blacked out passed out with when you said earlier she wears a one outfit. That's crazy. I thought you were referring to the wedding dress. Spoiler, there's a wedding dress.

It's a wedding dress.

I in my head, she's wearing just pajamas up until that way.

No, there's a suit moment.

Oh my god, I forgot about this.

Okay. So she walks into Alexis's room looking for her mother. She finds Deck's leaving. Remember dex is someone she had an affair with behind her mother's back.

But now is her stepdaddy.

Yeah, he says, He says he's leaving. She says she wants him there. He tells her that she's selfish, just like her mother. She grabs his arm. She begs him to stay. He says, I have to go. I have to go, amandad he grabs her hands say do you hear me? Do you hear me? And then Michael walks in and he says, you let her go, and the two of them fight.

It is so good. It is so good. The choreography. It's two people ten feet apart from each other throwing punches and then falling backwards like they've been hit with a sledgehammer.

Yep, Dex easily gets the better of Michael. This does track because apparently in my research I found out that passed in past storylines, Dex has been recruited for like paramilitary missions by the by the US government.

Oh my god, that makes a lot of sense. Later in this episode, yeah, actually, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Amanda stops to fight. She tells Dex to leave after moments ago begging him to stay, Dex, stay, stay, go Dex, and she tells Michael that she loves him and she will marry him, and the two kiss. Okay, okay, sure.

Fine, yep, I have no skin in this game. As Dex leaves, he stumbles across men bringing boxes marked wine into the kitchen. Yeah it's nighttime. We're now in like the dead of night. He demands to know why they're delivering so late, but before he gets an answer, Yuri the ipatch eyepatche ipet servant appears behind him and knocks him out cold. He and his men look at Dex and he says, nothing can stop us tomorrow. I don't

It's the day of the when y'all, Blake calls Adam into his room. Adam is his son that was kidnapped as an infant and then showed up later, who is now dating Claudia, who is his gay son's ex wife.

Everyone caught up.

Okay, okay, Yeah. He forbids Adam from seeing Claudia, and Adam says he will do as he's told, and then we immediately see Adam with Claudia, assuring her that he's going to find a way to make sure I can keep seeing her. Feels like this is all set up for later.

Yep, yep.

Yeah.

You know what I thought when this was all happening. I didn't know the backstory. I thought that Blake had an fair with Claudia and likes as well, like probably did at some point, maybe fucked Claudia, and that's what broke up Claudia and Steven, And so he's like, you can't you can't be with her, there's too much baggage.

Meanwhile, Alexis and Amanda are getting their hair and makeup done, and Alexis imparts some wisdom to her daughter about the wedding. She e scares her three pieces of device. One, watch your posture.

Sure nothing, She's nothing more attractive than a beautiful bride slouching towards the altar.

Yep. She tells her to take her time walking down the aisle. This is your moment, enjoy it, lovely. And then number three, hold your bouquet with arms parallel to the ground.

That is specific.

That is that's a zombie that's a zombie walk. That's a clasp hand zombie walk, isn't it? Parallel to the ground is never the twain shall meet? Huh? Or this with your hands parallel to the ground.

Yeah, we're both. We're both miming having a bouquet in our hands.

What a fantastic visual medium we're having right here.

Wait, because this is perpendicular to the ground.

A bouquet is But yeah, but she says, keep your arms parallel to that is straight out.

Yeah, that's weird.

That's not good advice. Who wrote this and why someone didn't know what parallel meant.

Meanwhile, Jeff finds Lady Ashley again. I forgot these two existed.

I forget every time they leave.

This Jeff again. Is he related to Jeff?

Jeff is Alexis's step son. He is the son of the guy she married to get control of the company.

Okay, got it? Why is he at this time?

I have no idea, you know what. Never mind, it's his stepsister's wedding. I guess, although that's.

That's a reason to go to Moldavia. Yeah, I guess so okay. Lady Ashley is Ali McGraw, a movie star, way too big to be doing this. She turns down his proposals, saying they're wrong for each other and also he's still in love with Fallon I e. Alexis and Blake's other daughter. Up until this point, there was a mention of Fallon earlier. This is mentioned number two. We have not yet seen Fallon. Right. Cut to young woman

I did not have the subtitles on, so I was like, I'm assuming that's Fallin. I think it's Valin. I had to look it up. This is This is Emma Sam's. This is her second appearance in the role. She took over for Pamela Sue Martin who left the role. Okay, so that's why the whole amnesia storyline is happening, because they're replacing the actress.

You know how when you get amnesia, your face changes completely exactly, So okay. So she is hoping that someone had reported a missing woman that looks like her to the police and then that way she can find out her true identity. A very kindly police officer is like, no, We're sorry. Do you have a place to stay though you are you taking care of and she's She says she has money. She doesn't know why she has money, but she has money.

We check in on Sammy Joe and Rita in New York. That's Heather Locklear and Linda Evans's.

Second ga playing as Joanna Cassidy.

Yes, Sammy Joe is coaching Rita on her Crystal impersonation. None of this matters. What does matter in this scene is the outfit that Heather Locklearer is wearing. It is and you're gonna have to give me a minute before we get to the horrifying part, because it's gonna sound fine at first.

Uh huh.

She's wearing it looks to be like cut off sweatshorts and a loose knit sweater. Loose knit baggy sweater. Very eighties.

Yep.

It is all rendered in the same kind of like monochromatic dusty pink.

Yep.

But on the sweater are random swatches of fabric that are also the same pink, but they're attached to the sweater with like two white buttons that look like the top of Mickey Mouse's pants. Yep. Yeah, that's what Heather Lockleer is wearing in this scene.

I had something very similar, not kidding in the eighties.

Oh really, Yeah.

I like to be clear, I was not shopping for myself. I was I was a very young child. This is on my mother, This is on her, But that was a thing I remember that.

Look.

I don't know why we did it, but we did it.

We did it.

Meanwhile, is This also the scene, by the way, where Rita puts on the wig or is that later? So she's coaching her on how to be crystal. Essentially, she buys her a wig, and so it's just Linda Evans pretending to pull on her real hair. If you didn't know it was Linda Evans before, now you know it's Linda Evans and looking at herself in the mirror and going like oh.

Then she turns around and you can see Rita's red hair underneath a wig that must have been shaped to look like Linda Evans's actual hair. Lots of hair, So.

Much happening, don't worry about it. Meanwhile, back in Moldavia, everyone is getting ready for the wedding, except for Dex, who has been tied up in a shed by Yuri and his cohorts. He demands to know what Yuri is after, and Uri says destiny.

Did you not immediately think why didn't he say dynasty?

Oh damn it, Paul, Now that's all I want.

Yeah.

The wedding starts, and much like a very real wedding, it is interminable.

Okay, I wrote down the time codes. The wedding march starts playing at thirty eight minutes, in nineteen seconds, nothing happens that is exciting at all. Until forty three minutes and twenty eight seconds. That's five minutes of like montage.

Holy shit, Yeah, you say, nothing exciting happens, though, Paul, and something very exciting happens. The archbishop starts to speak the ceremony. Here's a few tidbits from the Archbishop of Moldavia's wedding ceremony. Long live the seed and a crown of glory that fadeth not away. What, Yeah, preserve their bed unassailed, and give them of the dew of heaven on high and the fatness of the earth. Fill their houses with wheat and oil, and with every beneficence that

So they took a wedding ceremony, went to the sourus dot com and just like reworked all the grammar and all of the words.

They're like, okay, so it's a country where maybe English isn't their first language, but we're gonna pretend that they're speaking like this is the most Bunker's dialogue, and it is all undercut with montage of what's happening, so you are very it's very easy to miss it. All. I had to go back. There's more. I'm not gonna bore you all with it, Like there's so much more that this preacher says that is insane. So while that's going on, we see men in commando get up storming the castle.

Yeah.

Meanwhile, the commandos are getting closer and closer to the chapel as Dex frees himself and storms towards the ceremony.

The priest declares Michael and Amanda married, and the commandos lay siege to the wedding. They open fire indiscriminately, the guards return it in kind. All the named characters fall to the ground with various degrees of visible wounds, and one of the commandos snarls to Yuri, get the King,

I felt so bad for the actors, yeah, because they clearly had to stay in these positions on the floor for like forty minutes while they got all the coverage they needed of everyone. And I'm like, you know, John Forsyth was like, someone helped me out my knees, my knees yees.

John Forsyth was like, I'm the lead of this show. I'm doing this for five minutes, so get my coverage, and I'm fucking leaving a little bit of trivia for you. Yes, how many people do you think survive this?

Oh? I was curious because I did no follow up after this. Okay, I'm guessing Ali McGraw's dead.

You are right.

I'm guessing the Prince is dead.

Nope.

Oh is Amanda Ditch Nope? Oh fuck? I thought one of the Marriags would be dead. Okay, Oh no, none of the gays. No, it's Billy Campbell.

Billy Campbell is dead. Damn Those are the only two people that die.

Noah, not even the fucking King of Moldavia.

Nope, he gets kidnapped, I think, damn it.

Yeah, Oh, I would have guessed a lot more people. Well.

I think it was pretty famously like kind of a letdown of a cliffhanger, because everyone it looked like everyone was dead and obviously not everyone is dead. But I think people expected like a cast culling, yeah, kind of like get Claudia out of here or something like move it along.

Yeah.

Yeah, and then obviously they can just survive and come back in a season or two. But like it was kind of viewed as like a letdown after this.

Oh, I told I am a little let down.

And I'm sure everybody fucking loved Luke. Everyone wanted Billy Campbell to stay. Yeah, people loved gay people in nineteen eighty five. They were so supportive.

Like there's just there's a lot of like, there's a lot of chaff. You can cut quite a few people from this cast.

You can cut three of the men and no one will know it.

No one would even know which man you cut.

All Right, So that is the royal wedding episode of Dynasty. We are gonna come right back after these messages with our random observations and final rankings.

And we're back. Paul, Yes, before I throw my champagne in your face, I.

Have my coy flopping ready to smack you across the cheek with.

It, give you some random observations on Dynasty.

Okay, Ali McGrath took some hits from us in this episode, and I keep to inform you that I'm gonna hit her again.

I'm gonna hit her again too. Let's see if it's the same thing wonderful.

Is that scene that she has with Dominique with Diane Carroll, if we are going to talk about the same thing, is it about how she drinks a glass of water?

Here's the note that I wrote down. Does Alan McGrath know how to drink from a glass?

She doesn't.

Why is she using two hands.

And like seemingly unable to figure out how to sip?

She does not understand how to use a glass. It is the most insane she okay, okay for those of you who can't see us, because you can't see us, she's she takes like an eight ounce glassy water. Yeah, she grabs it from the bottom host and then with one hand and then kind of teeters, but she's continuing to talk and she doesn't want to break the scene, so she grabs it with like the top half of

It cuts away. She must must, they must have said, justphin, like I need do that again. I didn't mean I know how to drink a glass of water.

Please let me get that again.

And they're like, no, we have to go. You have to go. The boys can't keep playing volleyball. They have to get in costume.

Ali McGrath, are you human? Allie McGraw, are you a human woman who SIPs from glasses?

What are you? That's so funny because I watched it once and then I was like, maybe I'm over exaggerating this, so I remounded. I watched it again. I was like, no, this is weird.

It's so weird. It's so weird. Yeah, so both of mine are. So my next one is also in this scene or it's in another scene, but it's another Ali McGrath moment, huh, and it's it's a line. So she's talking to the guy that she's with. I don't care about this plotline. I don't know, but that guy used to be with Fallon, although I think canonically all these people are related, so they really shouldn't be with each other. And she's like, you can't marry me, you're still in

But now I am.

But now you are. Stop bringing her up? What's wrong with you?

I have one more about Ali McGraw. This poor woman she has.

Like she's taking so many as.

This one. Actually, this is not this is nothing new with her. And look actually outside of the water, it's not her. It's what they're doing to.

Her, Like, yeah, this is a bad character.

It's it's it's really not her fault. But at the end, during the massacre, while bullets are flying, the most interesting thing that Lady Ashley does is she tries to take a picture with her camera. She's tried to be like a photo journalist.

She's a photographer, right, a photographer.

Yeah, And and someone like pulls her Alexis's step son whose name is Jeff, I don't know, the guy that's in love with her, that wants to marry her, pulls her down. But did she gets that's when she gets.

Killed takes it.

Yeah, But I was like, oh, you know what, that's interesting someone who like wants to be like a she's a photojournalist or whatever, but I'm also incredibly rich, which I don't know much about photojournalism, and I think you can be successful, but I don't know if you can be that successful.

Well, no, because your name is Lady something something. That's why she's written family. She's rich. Yeah, she's she's aristocratic. Yeah, do you write that is interesting? A woman who's like brave and like in the line of fires still going to get the photo. That's cool.

That's interesting.

Too bad? Rip Yeah rip, Ali McGraw, you didn't know how to hold the water glass?

Yeah.

I only just have one more. And it's my favorite line in the whole episode. It's it is said by Linda Evans as Crystal spelled wrong. She's explaining in that first scene with her and Blake, which she's like, I'm so worried about Sammy Joe, like in all the drama she's gonna cause and she says, and I quote Sammy Joe was so angry because I was made execut tricks of his estate.

I missed the word executrics.

Executrix of his estate is so hard to say. Kudos to you, Linda Evans. She says it with a straight face, like that's not the dumbest thing anyone has ever said. I was made executricks of this estate.

I have one more dumb thing. When the commandos are laying siege to the palace while the while the wedding march is playing for like five minutes and nothing is happening, there's a moment where they're like, they make the active choice to have these people that are supposed to be threatening, you know in the jungle gym as a kid, where you would like get the bar at the monkey bars. That's what they're doing, their monkey bars.

And oh yeah they are.

I'm like, I can't be scared of men doing the monkey bars. I can't. I can't do it.

I can't. Simply cannot.

I simply cannot.

I don't have the mental bandwidth right now to do that. Yeah yeah, O lordie, but Gordy, how are we going to rank or rate Dynasty? Specifically season five, episode.

Twenty nine or the finale whatever it was? One to ten real life lumires one to ten credible cogsworths.

Ah one to ten quote unquote Moldavian accents. Yes, what what is duo lingo in this country? What is it? What even is it?

It's not an owl?

Tell you that it's a drunk owl?

Yeah? Yeah, one to ten. Affairs with your future stepfather.

Oh, guys, such a bad idea.

We went so hard on the family stone for something again to this.

This is so wrong. All these people keep having sex with their in laws. Yah, stop doing that. Meet more people, We meet more people. It's two families that keep sucking each other is essentially what this show is. Guys, branch out, meet another family. Good on Amanda actually, truly for branching out to Europe. Yeah, to find someone else that she that no one in her family has fucked.

This is after her stepfather, So we can't give full points, but we appreciate that after the initial mistake she branched off.

Haha. How about one to ten sentient disco balls that may or may not turn your son's gay.

Sentient disco balls created through the Congress of Elton John and Keith Harring.

Senti in crystal balls that were made on the floors of Studio fifty four when Freddy Mercury dropped a drink and David Bowie dropped an ounce of cocaine and.

Eliza Minelli skidded across it on her knees in a sequin disco suit.

I think this one, this one, Yeah, I should have said Freddy. I said Freddy Mercury before Andy Warhol. Andy Warhold, good catch. I just want everyone to know I know more gay people than the two that I mentioned.

Do you want to go first or should I go first?

I'll go first on this one, Okay, I made you go first last time. These are really hard because we don't know the whole show. I've never seen a single minute of Dynasty except for this episode that I've seen, so.

I honestly I do kind of want to watch it now.

Way more than then I wanted to watch melrose Place after this like this show, because this show is so like baroque and bunkers in like a way that I'm like, oh, this is super interesting already, just the presidence of Diane Carroll. There's just some diversity in this. I'm also going to give it a little bit more of a pass than I would than I did to melrose Place because it's from the eighties, from ten years before melrose Place. I was so surprised they even had gay characters on this show.

I was.

I was not expecting it. It was such a treat to see. I was so excited when they I was like, oh my god, this is so progressive. So good on them. I don't think I need to tell you. Excellent roles for women, so many excellent roles for women.

My only complain about this episode is we didn't get one of the fights between Crystal and Alexis.

Yeah. Yeah, but I mean we got I've really liked that Dex and Michael fight.

Yeah, so much.

So it was so bad, But I agree, I would have liked some verbal sparring. There was no verbal sparring.

I would or.

Diane Carroll and Joan Collins. Give me them verbally sparring all day.

I'd be thrilled.

So in terms of like gay representation, pretty solid, especially given the era. In terms of like good roles for women very solid. I mean that's a given with the genre. That's the one that's like much like horror films. Yeah, soap operas are always going to have very strong female characters, all making the same terrible mistakes. Ye, so there's that. In terms of racial and ethnic diversity, I mean Moldavians, I guess thing. No, but there's Diane Carroll, like you said,

Yeah, Like the one the episode that we watched, it's like we talked about Melro's place. Like the storyline that's cresting is this wedding. It's not dominique storyline. It's not Stephen's storyline. I'm presuming there are episodes where their storylines are cresting. Yeah, and they're the ones who get the majority of the good stuff, like Crystal is barely in this episode. Really Yeah, So like obviously Linda Evans has

One hundred percent. So yeah, I mean I would would I like more people of color, sure, but again, this is nineteen eighty something or other, And like I am grading on a curve because of that, because we're going further back in time than like the shows that I grew up watching. I gave melrose Place a four last week, I think, right, so I'm gonna go higher on this.

Oh beautiful?

How about you, Paul?

I agree? I agree with what you said, Like, yes, it's grading on a curve. Like if someone put this out today, it would be like, what's happening, what's happening. I was actually impressed that they had something on TV that in nineteen eighty five where a gay man was telling his boyfriend he was going to bring his son

The commercials were not during the commercial breaks. Yes, it was in the middle of a scene. They would cut to a stupid commercial for like iced tea or something and then come back and then there was a clear commercial break like two minutes later. Yeah, but then the show would keep going. I was like, get your shit together, streaming service.

Yeah, it will irritate me much less if it just goes in the comer. I don't actually mind the commercials. It's the interrupting the flow. Yeah, where it's like there's spots to interrupt the flow. It was built in.

Yeah, they wrote acts for this.

I'm going to agree with you. I'm going to give it a six a six out of ten. Sentient disco balls berthed from from the beautiful coitus of Barbara Streisands and Stephen Sontai.

Perfect.

It's fun, it's it's so stupid, it's so stupid. But I want to watch more episodes just to see the fashion.

Oh my god. Yes, yeah, and you're right. I would like to see a cat fight. I know, I know that's bad for society. I don't care. I don't care like it. It's fun, but.

I think we we here can say cat fights on Dynasty are okay.

They're okay. They're the exception that proves the rule. Frankly, yes, I also want to see that famous scene where she's like, I own fifty one percent of this company.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. I don't feel need to offer a palate cleanser on this one.

No me either, I mean would I am I going to go back now and watch all of Dynasty. I'm gonna get real with you. No, But might I maybe like go on YouTube and be like Dynasty clips, please, Diane Carol, please that, Yes, I will do so. I will watch clips from now on.

Because also, there's like two hundred and fifty episodes of this thing. This thing is yes, it's they did, like thirty plus episodes a year, plus movies plus movies. Yeah, like you, you would have to like, Okay, we're gonna launch a Dynasty rewatch podcast and be being paid for this, and then I would I would love to do that. Anyone who wants to hire us and pay us to watch dynastay.

If you are a Denver based millionaire, yeah, wants to hire us, please reach out and let us know.

Yeah, because we're in for that, but it's too much in my everyday life. All right, Everyone listening can follow us on social media. We are on threads, we are on Instagram. We are phasing out Twitter. We're probably pretty phased out by this point, so follow us on those other platforms. If you want to request things on our monthly themes, please follow us on Instagram. That is the only place where I post them, and we cake and we take requests for them. I'm sorry, I am one person.

Let's keep his beauti hair on his beautiful head.

Yes, we have a tea public shop. You can comment on our episodes on Spotify, and we would love it if you would leave us a five star of you on Apple Podcasts or on any podcasting platform that you use. If you do that, just like katG seven seven seven seven and Phyllis mjs from the top of this episode, let us know you did it. We'll send you at

Through he did it so you made it so easy for everyone.

I did that.

Aged Well is produced and edited by Paul Kola Or is it? Oh my god, you're actually my stepfather. I knew I shouldn't have had sex with you again, damn it. We would like to thank Benji, CJ, Joanna, Shannon, Noel, and Elana, all of whom are my illegitimate children, for reaching out and letting us know what they want to hear. If you want to have a say in the topics

This is the point in the show where we would have a thank you for one of our patrons, but we were out.

We've run out.

We've run out, not of.

Patrons, these are champagne problems, but of.

Requests for them. There are plenty of you out there that haven't requested your thank you. So if you want your thank you, let us know. We'll happily put it in.

In the meantime, we're just gonna slap fight each other with these coys out Oh I'm allergic.

To coy all right, Eric, any final thoughts on Dynasty?

I told you never to kiss my daughter again, for you are my stepfather's long lost twin cousin who once married my mother and then left her broken heart it at the altar?

How dare you?

You're not wrong? You can you can just say.

I'm right, You're right?

Yeah? Does that hurt? Are you?

Okay? I think my appendix burst.

That's the rib that you made me out of. It's throbbing because I started to have independent thoughts