Batman & Robin (1997) - Gala Invitations, Ice Puns & a Bathhouse

Why have we as a society decided that we're going to post like a lot of pictures on Instagram and call it posting a dump.

I hate that. I hate that so much photo dump.

I heard posting a dump three times and look, I'm disgusting. Fine, I'll accept that accusation.

You take that ship to Twitter, not on Instagram.

When you say posting a dump, I think I'm gonna be looking at a toilet, Like that's where my brain goes, you know, like.

There's a there's a corner of the of the Internet that is just for you, my friend. Yea, if that is what you are into, no shade, but like, be be real.

If you're gonna say post.

The dump, yeah, post the dump, not.

Posting photos of yourself and.

No, no post that dump.

Post that dump truck. I want to see your ass ass in them. Thanks.

Hey, I'm Paul in America and this is that aged well.

Yesterday's pop culture today.

And we are at the end of July Erica. It is the final Monday in July. Superhero July the straightest, the straightest of genres.

Oh, absolutely the most masculine of genres.

Yes, and there is nothing gay about the film that we were talking about today. It is straight as an arrow.

Oh my god, it is straight as a Catholic boarding school.

Before we get to this non homosexual film Erica, we do have some five star Apple podcast reviews.

Shall we read the first one?

Yes? Please?

Okay, this is from Locutis Borg. I wonder if this is a Star Trek reference. I'm not getting the Borg is a Star Trek thing, isn't it it is? They write, We've had to apologize to our kids so many times.

Okay, I'm intrigued.

I'm in Locutis Borg writes, this is just a great podcast idea. My wife and I have also gone back and watched some old childhood favorites and been horrified at what we thought was funny or acceptable behavior. These two hosts cracked me up and continuously point out some great observations that I didn't even notice. No notes. I humbly request that you review Revenge of the Nerds. This is a white whale for this podcast. I've never seen it. From what I've heard, it is rife with sexual assault,

College age kids are the worst. They're so judge, they're so judging learning about the world.

They're better than us, and they actually are better than us.

I think they know better. Yeah, that's the.

Problem is they know it and you're like, ah, shit, they are better than us.

Yes.

They finished the review with I think it would be a great watch for the both of you. You know what, Lakudisborg. Good for you for having the wherewithal to apologize to your kids. Don't defend being defensible. Just didn't you know what? It was a different time.

It was funny when we were kids. Okay, what can I say?

How about rather than judging me, you understand that this is what I have conquered.

How about that? How about that? Finn and Heather?

Okay, you're absolutely right.

Look, maybe I didn't notice this was terrible when I was fourteen, but now I do.

Yeah, look there, look at me growing.

Our next review comes from TC Manga and they write, love you guys. I'm so grateful to have found this podcast. The friendship is obviously beautiful, and I love the reviews of films I grew up loving. I mean my wedding song was it had to be You from when Harry met Sally. It's wonderful heart emoji.

Oh, I don't.

Feel like I've ever heard someone like it had to be You.

I've heard as a wedding song, but it never heard it referenced as from when Harry met Sally.

I'll admit a lot of my love of that era of music comes from the or efron like sutrack catalog.

Yeah yeah, all right, lookudesborg TC Magna. Thank you so much for these reviews. We so appreciate them. If you would like, Hey, that Agebel tope bag, you know what to do? You can email us that Ageble at gmail dot com. You can contact us on social media Instagram. DM is totally fine. Let us know this is you say you want your tote bag and I will send it off for you. Erica, what is this bastion of straight culture that we are talking about today?

Today's Republican nightmare is the nineteen ninety seven super hero film Batman and Robin.

Batman and Robin was requested by Chris, by Sophie, by Tony, by Jan, by Marcus, by Austin, and by our patrons. We polled Batman and Robin against Supergirl, and the two of us were very split, like we didn't know which one we wanted to win.

We wanted both to win. We want to do both of them. That's what always happens with these polls.

I'm like, what if there was more time, What if we had more time, What if there were more mondays?

What if we changed this podcast to superheroes and just did superhero movies for six months?

Then maybe I would get to talk about the X Men at some point and really torture you for hours on end.

I have to say, the movies we got is partially our fault, is not your fault, listeners, but we picked some dumpster fires.

He did this genre dirty.

But the patrons voted and Batman and Robin won sixty four percent to thirty six percent. So Supergirl and Faye Dunaway as an evil enchantress will have to wait for another time.

It'll be another time.

Hey, done away month?

Say done Away month?

Sure, Bonnie and Clyde Chinatown, Supergirl and just Mommy Dearest again, because why not?

That's for funzies.

So Batman and Robin was written by Akiva Goldsman. It was based on DC Comics characters created by Bill Finger and Bob Kine. It is the fourth and final film in Warner Brothers original Batman series, and the only one in the series with no involvement from Tim Burton.

Boy, you really needed Tim Burton.

Yeah, there was an essential component missing.

Yeah, you really needed his input. You needed him to come in and be like, uh no.

So it was directed by Joel Schumacher and it stars George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Uma Thurman, and Alicia Silverstone.

Batman and Robin was so poorly received that it fucking killed the franchise. It calls Warner Brothers to cancel plans for Shoemacher led sequel Batman Unchained.

Can you imagine how gay that one would have been?

Now ringing in chains? Oh my god, let's do this thing.

Schumacher, Goldsman, and Clooney have all publicly apologized for their roles in the films. Honestly, there's no reason to apology. Yeah, you tried something and it didn't.

Really, it didn't work.

It's not bad because it's like it didn't try, you know, And it's not bad because it's offensive.

It just fails.

Yeah, it just fails.

That's all people. You're allowed to fail. It happens. Shoemacher's insisted that the lion's share of the blame should fall to him. Well, yeah, you are the director.

Yeah.

He also pointed out the studio's insistence on making the film more quote unquote toy edic.

So they wanted to have more toys. So they needed more gadgets. They need more things that they could make in plastic and sell.

To kids, like a dildo, like a like a batmobile dildo for children, babies, first dilto Oh, is that what they wanted to sell to children?

How many people in the nineties of appropriate age discovered themselves using a Batman toy?

That's the question.

How many Batman toys did some poor er surgeons have to remove from someone's rectum.

From some suburban father's rectum. He was just trying something.

The answer is not zero, not zero.

No, the amount of rectal extractions that surgeons have had to do over the years with Batman to these Batmobile toys in the nineties, it is a dick with wings Man. They show it in the movie. I'm like, that is a fuck. That's a Dick with wings. I swear to god it has a vein down the middle.

Kevin Feikey has called the film the most important comic book movie ever made because it's franchise killing failure forced film studios to rethink how to make comic book movies, leading to Spider Man and X Men franchises in the early two thousands that were far more successful.

That actually does make a lot of sense, because I here's the thing is, we are used to We have now come of age in a world where superhero films are taken extremely seriously. Yeah, but like you forget, and well I'd forgotten until we started doing this month of like eighties and nineties crops of superhero movies. They were all goofy as fuck. No one took them seriously. Yeah, and this one.

Was so unseerious that it broke the franchise.

It broke the system.

This is also, this is what the comic books were like in the sixties.

Like it was, it was silly.

I mean, all of my references are Marvel, but like Magneto flying up in the air and declaiming like I'm the mutant master of Magnetism and I'm going to take over the like they weren't like nuanced in any way, and like the medium has just grown a great deal and now it's like they're talking about ideas and there's actual metaphors and allegories and all of that stuff. Like that's not what this movie is trying to be. This movie's trying to be a silly, fun, good time, and boy does it succeed.

I have to say, it really does succeed at that.

I'm gonna tell you one thing. I had a great time.

I did feel bad for Arnold Schwarzenegger. Anytime he's on screen. All I could think of is the makeup job they had to do for him to get in that dumb fucking costume that doesn't fit that he can barely move in and say the dumbest lines ever committed to film history. I was like, you know what, I'm glad you got to be governor of California.

You earned it. Yeah, you earned it.

That Okay.

I want to talk about this because allegedly there are twenty seven ice punds throughout the movie, and I found myself essentially disappointed in all of them, and I came up with like a bunch more. But how about this. Why after freezing someone did mister Freeze, never say ice, ice baby, because I.

Would have thrown by TV through the window.

That's right, but come on, nineteen ninety seven, that's right now.

That probably got cut. Even Schumacher was like, no, I can't.

At the beginning of a battle with Batman, he should have said, you know what, my favorite game is freeze tag.

Come on?

He's like, how.

About how about we reference an obscure Eugene O'Neill play first.

How about we do that in this movie four Children?

That was my favorite one. Actually I was in it. I was like, that's great. I enjoyed that. Okay, how come every time after he'd throw out a bomb he didn't say that's a freezer burn. Come on?

Every time it would have gotten funny year, and then it would have gotten unfunny and stupid, and then it would have circled all the way back around to funny by the end of the movie.

Yeah, Paul, would you believe if I told you that Batman and Robin has an eleven percent critical reading on Rotten Tomatoes and a sixteen percent.

Audience score, I would believe that.

I would believe that entirely. Yeah, forty percent on cherry Picks.

You know, women were not perfect. We're not We're not.

We make mistakes, We're not. I we like to like tell like the female of the species being the better of the two genders, the two sexes, and we're right most of the time. This is the one time where ladies have just hit them like stepped on a rake and hit themselves in the face.

I have Okay, So I was thinking about this.

This is my Let me present a theory to you as to why this is because I agree with you, like forty percent. This is not a forty percent good movie on any.

Level, on any level.

But in nineteen ninety seven a the best performance in the movie Uma Thurman.

By four light years.

She's killing it.

She is killing this movie like it's and and she's fun and she's memorable. She's making all these stupid puns work like yeah, great. And then the admittedly deeply stupid kind of feminist shit they make. Alicia Silverstone try to say throughout this whole movie, like I wonder if in nineteen ninety seven Batgirl was a step forward for the genre.

You won't accept it.

Even if that's true.

I think it might be that doesn't make this a good movie. No, no, it does it. It does not like you can't just be like.

It had two female characters and they talk to each other. Therefore it passes the Bechdel test, so forty percent good.

No, women can be wrong too, they can be This is a really great example of that.

All right, Erica, When did you first see Batman and Robin.

Have an insane story about that?

Oh? Good?

My friends and I were driving to the movie theater to go see this film Saturday afternoon. We were late, the movie starting in like ten minutes. It was going to take us twenty minutes to get to the theater. So my friend who's driving, I'm in the passenger seat, she's booking it. The car in front of us doesn't like a really sudden stop, okay, not opposed to, and it just does a really sudden stop kind of out of nowhere to make a turn because I guess they missed their turn.

Yeah.

My friend panics, hits the brakes really hard, her car starts to fish tail across a three lanes like highways dramatic. We end up like fish tailing across the highway. Luckily you haven't hit any cars. But there's cars are creening out of the way to get like out of our way, and the car that we're in, there's like a one eighty yeah, ends up in the.

Third lane over. We were in the first lane.

Now we're in the third lane over facing the direction of the oncoming traffic, and a car hits us like from front. And luckily that car had like had hit the brakes enough that it was not a big hit.

No one was injured. Ok, everyone was fine, but like both cars had damage. It was a whole thing. It was.

It's the only car accident I've really ever been in my life. It was so fucking scary. I saw my life flash before my eyes. Yeah, and it was all because we were ten minutes late to cut to us actually going to the theater to watch that movie.

I don't know. A week later, probably we go to see this movie.

Imagine imagine are appointment, Paul.

We realized that we almost died to see this nonsense.

Young Erica had film opinions too. I bet you were on a war path. You would have docked Joel Schumacher in a second if you had an edibility.

Was That's my experience I have. I always saw it one.

Time in the theater after almost dying to see it. Paul, when did you first see this film?

I also saw this in the theater. I don't remember getting there, so I don't think I almost gotten to it, I almost killed myself or anything like that on the way.

I remember thinking it was terrible.

I do remember even back then being like Uma Thurman, Yes, if this is the movie you're going to do, that is the performance you need from everybody, Like everyone needs to be at that level to be fair.

I think Schwarzenegger is doing his best.

Yeah, because we've talked about how funny Arnold Schwarzenegger can be. But you do kind of have to write to him because half of the humor is in the accent and the kind of wooden delivery, and like this guy is is is mallifluous in his language a little bit like like he's supposed to be like a tragic hero, a tragic villain, right, like he has this tragic backstory and everything, and like it was probably a miscasting. But I don't think Arnold Schwartzneker is not trying to fulfill the brief

Yeah, did you clock any of the gay I'm gonna call it subject, Sure it's not. But did you clock any of that when you were watching it?

I don't think I did. I don't remember that being the takeaway. I mean I was not out at this time, and.

But you were alive and breathing.

I was alive in breathing.

But I suspect that this was something that I had repressed far enough down that I, even if I had noticed it, I was not going to acknowledge noticing it because now watching him, like, well, how can you not notice? Like when like Chris o'donald is a perfect spin in the air and his ass is perfectly lit for like a second and you're like, well that was just that. That was on purpose and unnecessary, Like we're good.

You know, this movie really does George Clooney a solid because I don't think he is known for his ass, and they make his ass look spectacular.

Yeah, he's got a BBL in this movie. Yeah, all right, Erica.

The tagline of this movie was Heroes, Villains triple Threat.

I don't even get it.

I think it's supposed to because there's three main heroes and three main villains, even though Bain isn't on the poster.

I think that's what they're going for.

I forget, literally, I saw this movie two nights ago for the like the second time ever. Uh huh, and I forgot Baine was in it already. The Iceman comes really should have been the tagline.

Yeah it is clearly yeah, yeah, Like why.

If we're gonna use it anyway?

Come on, all right, so the iTunes synopsis Shall I read for you?

Mm hmm.

George Clooney stars as the mysterious Caped Crusader in this fourth installment of the blockbuster Batman saga. This time he's up against the cold blooded mister Freeze Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has joined forces with theem fatal Poison Ivy Academy Award nominee and Golden Globe winner Uma Thurman Kill Bill Volumes One and two and the producers to wait a deadly

I also forgot Vivica Fox was in this until you read that, like, and she's in my notes, I wrote Vivika Fox and then she she's like literally in one scene and she doesn't that's it.

I really expected her to come back. I thought in nineteen ninety seven, Vivica A. Fox was Vivica A. Fox, and I was like, I guess not.

Oh fucking a Greed. I was like, wait, why aren't you back? What the that's it? That's all you're here for?

Good gravy, Paul, do you have an actual synopsis for this hot mess?

The actual synopsis for Batman and Robin is there's such a fine line between superhero suit and fetish gear.

I mean, finally a superhero film for the Leather Daddy's out there.

Finally a superhero film where I can really picture these superheroes in a fox sling without having to change the outfits at all.

There was a foxling in the movie, though, right I think I saw one.

You know, I don't think there was, but I remember it too. It's almost like it's incepted into you while you watch this movie.

Was it in the bath house that's in this movie? There is a fucking bath house in the film.

Not a bathouse, a bath house.

Maath house.

There's a bath houseuse this.

One is like Borderline in DCE. This is for children. This is for children. This genuinely is a Republican nightmare. Like this will turn your kids gay. Don't let them watch it?

All right, everyone, stick around. We are going to play a couple of mars here. If you don't want to listen to commercials, you can go to our patreon, patreon, dot com slash that age wel podcast. You can sign up for any paid tear and you will get ad free episodes delivered to your feet every Monday and more. You can always get more on the patreon. If you don't want to do that, stick around. You'll listen to some commercials and then we will be right back to take you through Batman and Robin.

Ladies and gentlemen, We're back.

We're bat Oh, there it is there, It is all right.

We open with, of course close ups on nipples, asses and codpieces swathed in rubber and or leather.

Okay, like ended me.

In the years since this film has come out, I actually, weirdly enough, also did not clock any of the gay shit the first time, or if I did, I forgot, Like I just I was beat seething with anger that I almost died to see this movie. And in the years since that, and like, no, I've heard this is like the quote unquote gay Batman film, and I was like, people can be so like they probably mean that pejoratively.

Yeah, no, no, no.

It's not pejorative. It's accurate. From the beginning, from the.

First second of the movie, it is a close up of cod pieces and like leather bound asses.

I'm not not into this.

And they look they are not beating the gay accusations because when they had like it's as if they they're pulling up their pants right so they they it's at the last second, so they're fully covered like the rubbers already over their asses.

But then there's a little jiggle.

Joel Schumacher said, I'm going to make the most fetishistic children's movie of all time, watch me do it.

And he succeeded to be fair.

In the nineties when they were saying it was pejorative, but it was also true.

You know what I mean, accurate.

Now I'm celebrating it. I'm celebrating it. This is the gayest fucking movie.

Uh huh.

These two leather rubber bound heroes, our titicular heroes would nipples are of course Batman aka Bruce Wayne, played by George Clooney.

So so deeply, deeply, deeply miscast.

I love George Clooney. If nothing against the man, he's a good actor. This is so I cannot believe they cast him as Batman. It is so insane to me.

But I think he's good as Bruce Wayne. He's just terrible as Batman.

Yes, but that's a little bit important.

No, No, absolutely that you have to be able to do both to be fair. But like, he's actually very good as Bruce Wayne. There was actually a scene in this where I was like, oh, that actually almost affected me emotionally, which is not explaining this movie.

Imagine Bruce Campbell. Sure it would have worked so well. George Clooney is like Carrie Grant sexy, you know what I mean, Like, it's the wrong kind of section.

He's dignified.

And so it's also Robin aka Dick Grayson played by Chris O'Donnell. This is a rough go for mister O'Donnell. I have enjoyed him in the past. I also think part of the problem is that we were in a Selma Blair and Real Intention situation where he is twenty seven and the movie wants him to be like twenty yeah.

I think the movie wants him to be like eighteen yeah. And I'm like, that's an adult.

Yeshir, that's a full grown man.

That's a person with a mortgage.

Yeah, that's a person who can rent a car. It's the rerural cortex is fully formed.

Yeah. And he's tasked with saying things like you just you just want it for yourself.

Yeah.

He's supposed to play this like petulant kid, and I'm like, you look dumb man.

They must have to shave their entire bodies to get into those suits. They are waxed for the gods to get waxed and lubed up like a pig at the county fair.

Because these suits.

Look cheap enough to me that I don't think it feels like they're made of like not rubber rubber, but like that thick, foamy rubber whatever whatever.

The rubber equivalent of plether is, yeah, like fake rubber.

Yeah, like I bet you they're actually like snug as a bug.

All right, So these two get suited up and go out to fucking a sling, I mean, fight crime.

They're gonna fight crime. Batman gets into the Batmobile.

He heads out as Alfred Michael Goff implores him, do try to bring this one back in one pieza, and Robin hops onto his robin cycle.

I don't know what that's called, and he follows.

He tells Alfred not to wait up, and Alfred says that he'll cancel the pizza, and the hero speed off and Alfred gets a distressed, almost pained expression on his face.

Oh no, what's wrong with Alfred.

My favorite part of the scene, outside of the ass jiggling, which I did enjoy, is when they first they do this long pan up like the Batmobile appears the Dickmobile as you correctly pointed.

Out looks so much like a penis.

They pan up to Chris O'Donnell and George Clintony's faces, and both of them look like they know a mistake is being made, Like both of them look like oops.

Here's some like really pained dialogue of the beginning of the movie where.

And also the middle and the end of the movie to be fair, like we're.

Like where Robin's like, I want my own car, and Batman's like, this is why works alone, And you just see waves of regret over George Cleaney's face, handsome, beautiful face as he's like, oh, this is this is terrible, but I need to quit. I can't do that, like why did I agree to this? So Batman and Robin head to the Gotham Museum of Art as they've been alerted by Commissioner Gordon pat Hindele that there's a new

Is somehow the least gay thing that's happened in this movie so far he is shooting people with a penis shaped gun, saying the iceman cometh and it's not that gay.

He's also like they painted him like like remember a Goldfinger, it's the silver version of that where it looks like it's pixie dust and diamond dust all over his body.

Yeah.

So mister Freeze spots his target, which is an enormous diamond in the Museum of Art, you know what?

Moving on? Moving on, I can't.

They say it's the Museum of Art, but it's so clearly a natural history museum because a large Brontosaurus model like features into this movie as well.

It's the natural history museum.

Yeah, he blasts the case apart with his freeze gun. Not an euphemism, Nope, has he in tones?

In this universe?

There is only one absolute everything, please.

To which Erica goes. Not vodka. No, it's true, vodka doesn't freeze. You put it in your freezer forever. It's not gonna freeze.

What if?

What if instead he had said he gotten it's time to roll the ice, and he had like which rolled the diamond across the floor.

Honestly, you should have written this movie you love a.

Pun I do, I really do.

This is your wheelhouse, my friend.

So Batman appears by crashing through the skylight and Batman, enough damage has been done to the museum already. You didn't need to crash this go He's with the front door.

Is the front door not open? Is there not a freight elevator you could have taken?

Yeah?

I mean to be fair, he's gonna pay for all the repairs anyway. As Bruce Wayne, so I guess he's like whatever I have so much. He's the only reason Gotham City works. He is like Mayor Bloomberg in New York City. Remember how when Mayor Bloomberg was the billionaire mayor and everything just kind of worked because he just made short work because hedn't want stink on his name. He has a billion dollars. That's Bruce Wayne and got them good.

You know what, Bruce Wayne for Mary.

He confronts mister Freeze, who assures him that you're not sending me to the koola.

Some excellent, truly.

Terrible fight choreography ensues. I mean I'm talking about like this movie. Watched Goldfinger and said hold my beer on the fight choreography I can, I can do you one better.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is never one who moves with the grease Yeah of a barishna CoV beginning with certainly not but the amount he cannot move in the outfit they have put him in, and the amount that George Clooney also not move. Did you notice Batman can't turn his head?

That's my favorite part about these movies. He moves like me after a bad night of sleep. Like his shoulders in his head are one one fused piece.

So all the fights look so because it's two men, two middle aged men in outfits they physically cannot occer.

So mister Freeze loses his freeze gun in the melee, and he summons his ice hockey themed henchmen who are all on ice but are wearing roller blades, and they have like plastic skull cod pieces.

The cod pieces.

I wish everyone could see your face.

Eric is so upset the skull cod pieces.

Yeah, uh huh?

Upset or horny?

I don't know both.

They don't know both.

I'm horny and I'm upset about it.

Yeah, I'm upset that I'm horny.

He reminded me so much of what's that movie we watch with the kids in the like the desert ice skins.

Oh, solar babies.

So this was so out of solar babies. Everything is.

I was like, this is Shoel Schumacher saw solar babies the night before, like creating the vision board for these characters.

Absolutely.

Uh, Mister Free shouts at his hockey henchmen to kill the heeroes, Batman and Robin activate their boots skates by clicking their heels together like Dorothy at the end.

Okay, no, we gotta talk to this. I'm sorry, I can't. I'm sorry, I keep interrupting the ball off for every sentence he says. But like picture chryst O'Donnell and George Clooney lying on their backs.

They've been knocked over by the hockey henchmen.

Who cares why, Paul.

They're on their backs and their legs are spread no reason.

Because Joel Schumacher needed them on their backs so he could point a camera right up their taints. And George Clooney turns to Crystal Donald's like now. Then they lift their legs up and click their heels like Dorothy and Wizard of Oz so that the ice skates can come.

Out their shoes.

Huh.

I don't know, like what, I don't know what so.

Overtly homosexual iconography in this movie. I was just like, like, this is in the first five minutes still and I'm blown away. I like watching it on my teeth on my couch, going like, oh my god.

Yeah, they look like a gay couple that hired a sex worker over to fuck both of them.

And they're looking at each other holding hands and me like, who do you think he's gonna choose first?

It's so that though, And I'm not angry at it.

I don't I'm I enjoyed it.

I'm just surprised.

What I'm feeling right now is just shocked that this made it through the studio system without anyone being like, are we sure we want to do without George Clooney being like, by all accounts a very intelligent person being like, I'm not saying no, I'm just saying, is this this genre that we want to we want to put this.

In right, all right?

So Batman and Robin get on their feet and they engage the hockey henchman in ice hockey melee, giving mister Freeze time to beat on a lot of security guards and retrieve his freeze gun. Our heroes recover the diamond, but mister free shouts what killed the dinosaurs the ice age and freezes the enormous Brontosaurus model in the middle of the room, which collapses under its own weight and causes more chaos.

I mean, really a meteor did but I guess yeah, it prompted the ice age.

Then sure, okay, fine, we'll let this one go. We'll let this one go, let this one go.

Like I'm like, you're a doctor, you're a scientist. Soft for Freeze. He should know about it.

Canonically, a Nobel Prize winning molecular biologist.

The Hockey Henchman get the diamond back.

They slap it like a puck to mister Freeze, who gets it into his I don't know, freeze tank whatever.

And he's preparing to leave.

Batman leaps in to confront him, but mister Freeze knocks him back and freezes him to the wall. Okay, uh, huh, the freeze tank is actually an escape hatch. We're gonna find out in a minute. That's like a rock ship to the moon.

Huh.

Fucking don't worry about it. So he he like freezes Batman to the wall like like has his hostage and it's so sexy right like like Batman's hands are over his head and he's.

Like, oh no, no, wall.

Paul and I are both doing it at each other like dancing.

Oh no, my nipples are hard, get through my rubber suits here. Oh, so the freeze tank becomes the rocket fires into the air. Robin Bear we had time to leap onto the outside of the rocket for a ride. Now we have Crystal O'Donnell straddling a rocket that's also shaped like a penis.

To be here, this one, it should be shaped like a penis. It's a rocket.

Rockets are phallic.

Has no excuse for the Batmobile. But this literally but it's very like, it's very that.

It's very ambiguously gay duo.

Mister Freeze tells Batman that he'll freeze to death once the rocket hits thirty thousand feet He, mister Freeze, injects himself out into the air. He's still holding them to the diamonds he needs right, Robin manages to get his way into the rocket to free Batman at like.

Twenty thousand feet up. Yeah, how Robin hasn't passed out and fall into his untimely desck.

Don't worry about it.

Don't fuck worry about it.

Robin manages to use like a laser beam to like unfreeze Batman's arms from the wall, and the two of them escape the rocket.

Unlike go Ahead, Erica tell the audience what happens next.

The two of them use the doors of the rocket that have come off that once they come off, are in the exact size and shape of surfboards to surf their way back down to Earth from space. From literal walking space, these two are now air surfing.

This billionaire and a circus performer. That is their qualifications for one is a billionaire, the other one is a circus performer, and.

They're surfing air surfing back down to Earth as the rest of the rocket ship explodes behind them.

So Batman attacks mister Freeze midair, who's also on his way back down to Earth because he had some like butterfly wings come out of his suit. He shakes the diamond loose again, Robin grabs it and all three lands safely back on the ground. Because physics has absolutely no meaning in this in this in this universe, no, no, the heroes start chasing mister Freeze through the sewers, and eventually mister Freeze hits Robin with his freeze ray, stating stay.

Cool, bird boy.

He takes the diamond out of Robin's iced upped hand, and Batman has no choice but to thaw Robin out because mister free says he only has eleven minutes before Robin bites it. For the eleven minutes thing is kind of like it's held throughout the movie, but it has no meaning. If you were encased in ice like this, you would be dead as soon as you suffocated, which would not take eleven minutes, and he lets mister Freeze

Not forty pounds, by asshole. We picked him up like a bag of groceries.

We cut to a lab in Brazil, which I'm learning in real time is Brazil. It's poorly lake with a greenish glow, filled with vines and plants, snakes and spiders.

It's my worst nightmare. Yeah, and we meet the mousey doctor Pamela Issley played by the great Uma Thurman.

No notes on Uma Thurman in this movie.

She is so much better than this film has any right to ask her to be.

So she's speaking her notes into a recorder and we hear the following line, Drats, My experiment to make the dendronium or kid with the South American rattlesnake have failed again. But I still have high hopes for the animal plant cross breedings. If only I can find the correct dose of venom, these plants will be able to fight back like animals. I will have given Flora a chance to fight against the thoughtless ravages of man.

I mean, take a seat.

He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders just before she died. This is camp, this is campus, and she is playing it to the hilt. I mean, like the angry mad scientist trying to figure it out, trying to understand. She's not even a mad scientist. I mean, she's a little bit mad scientist at this point, but she's gonna get way more mad scientists.

In like twenty minutes.

We hear a scream, not from her lab, from like an adjacent lab, and she goes on to complain that doctor Woodrw is taking her venom samples back to the Gilgamesh wing of the laboratory. Okay, okay, okay, there's more wings here. Yeah, And she's like, what is he doing back there with venom that's making grown men scream all the time?

What is is this like a we work for mad scientist? Like what is this space that they're in? That's like it's like half abandoned, like it's it's all very confusing.

But that's exactly it. It's like it's a we work for magnet.

Doctor Esley can't take the suspense anymore, Erica, she has to know, she has to know what's going on in the Gilgamesh Wing. So she pushes through the large door and she sneaks into the lab and she sees doctor Jason Woodrew John Glover also no notes on John Glover fucking incredible in this movie. He's doing a demonstration to a group he refers to as the Ununited Nations, a group that I was briefly concerned would be the only people of color in the whole movie.

Good news, they're.

Not bad news.

If you haven't seen the film, just imagine a panel of people. Uh, there's a delegate from let's say Asia. Yep, there's a delegate from let's say Africa. Imagine there's a delegate let's say from South America.

Huh.

Imagine the broad stereotypes can for all those demographics. You did, you done it.

He announces, And this very much confused me. He announces the last surviving quote unquote volunteer, a small man who is a serial killer in prison for life. This volunteer is strapped to the table. A mask is pulled over his head as doctor Woodrew administers his super Soldier serum code named venom. Okay, if he is the last surviving volunteer, we just heard someone screaming. Just heard it, yeah, which implies that the second to the penultimate surviving volunteer has

That implies that he was gonna get on the call.

He's dialing into the zoom yeah, yeah, and he's about to hit the password for Zoom and he's like, you know what, let me try this one last time.

Make sure, make sure this one's gonna stick.

Yeah, And the guy dies and he's like, oh no, and like the zoom is like is like all your other callers are on the zoom and you're like, fuck.

They're waiting to be let in.

Everyone else is in this meeting. What do I do? And then he like starts the meeting and he's like, so.

Strits to vamp a little bit. He's like, hey, so where do y'all come from? To like how is your flight? Did you get a good hotel?

Let's do some icebreakers? What emoji do you use most off on your phone? Mine is the fire? What's what's yours?

What's yours?

So he administers this to the to the last surviving volunteer. The man screams as his body swells into an enormous, muscle bound new form. Doctor Woodrew gloats about his quote unquote ideal killing machine, who he calls Baane.

So the man that they use is the volunteer is a serial killer from Mexico.

Uh huh.

And he's got it like a Hispanic name. And at first I was a little annoyed by that.

I was like boo. I was like, why are we making the serial killer Hispanic? I don't like it? But then the bean mask looks like a Luta mask from like Mexican wrestling, and I was like, actually, I love it.

Okay, around, I.

Don't think this is offensive.

I kind of think it's fun.

Bain starts to rage and rip through the chains holding him down and the chaos. Doctor Woodrew is like, ooh, doctor Isley, are you in here watching my super secret conference call with all the with the world's most evil people.

He quickly hurries her out of the room.

He's like, I need to sell my work because the original sponsor for all of our labs mine and yours included, have cut the funding.

YEP, I can't imagine why.

And doctor Woodrew says to doctor Eisley that without your research he could never have gotten as far as he has gotten. He's like, in fact, we should join forces and since all of our funding is cut, and like, use the profits of Bain to continue both of our work. And then she does the thing that all all hapless victims in these movies do, and instead of saying, yes, you're right, we should in fact, I'm going to go out right now and get some papers and pens to write down.

All of our plans.

Yeah, I'm going to go get a whiteboard and a dry erase board. Is it? What else do you do? You want me to pick up lunch.

I'm going to go drive to staples.

Yeah, I'm going to get in my car and I will absolutely be back in fifteen minutes.

Do not worry.

You know what I'm going to get.

I am going to get so many of those alligator clips so we can clip clip our plans together and properly.

I'm gonna get a filing cabinet. We need a filing cabinet.

Well, we need a murder board. Let's do a murder board.

Is there is there a place I can get red string around here?

Let's do that.

Let's do that.

If I'm not back in four hours, don't worry. I really didn't go to the airport, yeah and fly back home immediately.

Yeah.

I just probably had to go to a couple of different staples to get all the supplies we need for all of our really good plans.

Yeah, because they don't really have good, well stocked staples in this region of the Amazon forest.

That we're both in for some reason.

I'm also I just want to let you know I did notice I am short on beakers, so I'm going to make a quick trip to the chemistry lab supply store, which, as you know, is on the opposite side of town from this store.

And the ladies bathroom is needing in need of tampons. I'm gonna also go run by the pharma seat pick up some tampons.

Do you need anything?

Do you need anything like some sads for your research?

No, we're good, We're good.

But that's not what Doctor Eisley says. That you are a monster. When I'm through with you, you won't be able to get a job teaching high school chemistry, to which Erica was like, he really shouldn't be teaching high school.

Anything, that's true anything.

So she basically calls him a psycho, and doctor Woodry is like, well, I can respect your opinion of me and my work. Sadly, i am not good at rejection, for I am a man, and I'm afraid.

You will have to die.

So he shoves her over a table in the lab and buries her in all of her specimens. The floor collapses beneath her, as it like disintegrates under all these talk, and doctor Woodrew watches and says, yes, yes, let the poison and toxins burn a gray for you deep into the earth you.

Love so much.

Bye bye, dear, And then he turns around and says, fellow maniacs, bidding begins.

I wish the entire film had been this. This scene between the two of them is so much fun.

These two the villains.

So we cut to the bat cave where the team is out of costume and doing some research on mister Freeze. So this is just a complete exposition dump. It turns out that mister Freeze was once a Nobel Prize winner in molecular biology. Like we said before, he was researching away to cryogenically freeze his wife who was ill with

How many times are they going to go to this well?

I can't imagine how many.

Times went to it with I poison ivy. That's the Joker origin story like, stop going to.

This well, stop going to chemical factories, future supervillains, and everything will go much better.

This poisonous green gunky well yeah, and then later in the movie.

Uh huh uh huh yep, later in the fucking movie, Robin is going to fall into one of these uh huh, and there are no consequences. And there are no consequences.

You know what, when we get there, I'm gonna explain to you what happened. I'm gonna explain to you what happened.

I dare you to try.

So.

Now, mister Freeze, after being submerging, these chemicals can't live in a normal temperature. He must wear a special cryogenic suit that is powered by diamonds to survive. Right, his body temperature must be kept at absolute zero at all times. So that's what these diamonds are powering.

So Bruce and Dick, who I forget Robin's name isn't Robin? Every time they call every oh my god, every time.

Every time Alfred says master Dick, my heart grows like the gurge.

Yes, mastered, Dick.

Bruce musta Dick.

That is so weird that, like I understand the relationship that they are portraying, but like that that people who were employees, paid employees used to have to call the people who paid the master.

Thank god Alfred's a white man. Thank god he's being played by a white man.

And when Alisa Silverstone shows up, she has a breath of fresh goddamn.

Yeah, she's like, this is fucking weird.

Like they're all like, no, it's not. It's so normal.

It's so normal for this old old man to still be cleaning everything in this house. Yeah, it appears that Wayne Manor has exactly one employee, and that is a ninety five year old man with McGregor's.

Syndrome spoiler alert, Erica, who needs.

To fucking clean the entire house every day.

The entire house is so ugly, it's all marble that reflects dirt.

Yes, who is doing all the work. Who's ironing their underwear? Is that Alfred too?

The one time we see Alfred laid up in the in a matter of days, there's just.

Clothes, goes gardens everywhere.

Immediately, everything goes great gardens.

When Alfred is there's three able bodied superheroes in the the time like living there and they're just like, I can't be bothered to put the rest of this leftover pizza in the refrigerator.

Bruce doesn't know how to do laundry. He just buys new clothes every time. He every time, every time he shots in a pair of underwear, he's like, well, these go into the garbage. Now, I guess I'll get another one to be fair.

Every time I shirt a pair, they also in the garbage.

That's true. If you shart in a pair of underwear, let it go, but let it go, let it go?

Yeah, fine, I mean unless you I don't spend a lot of money on underwear, so I can't I have that luxury.

But if you don't buy fancy where is what we're saying?

Really so?

Bruce and Dick, whose name is not actually Robin, although in my brain is just Robin that's his name. What if his name?

What if his like superhero name was his real name and it was like Batman and Dick.

The movie becomes less ambiguously gay every every adjustment we make to it. Dick Man, dick Man, dick boy, Oh, dick boy. No, No, can't do dick boy.

He's a bick boy. Sorry. That's what's the rule of Paul, I don't know what to tell you. He's underage.

He is dick boy, dick boy, dick lad, dick Lad, dick lad.

Sounds like a like a like a like a like a movie star from the.

Thirties and a porn star from the eighties.

Yeah, both both. Yeah, So the two.

Of them, Batman and Robin, because I refuse to call him dick anymore, set a chap for mister Freeze using the diamonds that are part of the Weien fortune, because of course they.

Are, no doubt they were acquired through absolutely above board means.

They don't belong to anyone else.

No, no, no, these are not blood diamonds. It's fine, don't worry about it.

We'll learn later.

They're called the Heart of Isis, which has no Egyptian overtones whatsoever.

They get into a pissing match about Robin taking too many risks during battle. Yeah, he's like, Dick, you have to protect yourself. You're very sensitive, Dick.

You have to get into the condom before you go into battle. What if you may dick into a full body condom?

Dick, You're very sensitive. You go off very easily. You're a young Dick. You don't know any better, Dick.

Dick, you're primed to blow at any moment.

Yeah, you're way too much of a hot head, Dick.

Yeah, when you're a hard headed dick.

Well, yeah, once you get hard, you blow. And sometimes a little restraint is what's needed, Dick.

Lay back and think of England.

Dick, exactly exactly.

Bruce is like, you need to train more instead of just like throwing yourself into these dangerous situations, which is such reasonable advice that Dick will and just throw in his face and be like, it's your fault because you don't know how to trust anyone, because you don't.

Know how to love, because you're just some stupid orphan. And then he like stomps off, and I'm like, you're also a stupid orphan. A and b he's your employer.

He keeps saying things like that's not how you treat a partner, and I'm like, what planet are you his partner? He's your employer.

Alfred for some reason, takes the kid's side and he's like, perhaps Master Dick has a point. Bruce says, look, I trust you, Alfred, so I obviously do know how to trust.

And then Alfred's like, but I won't to be around forever, and then.

He casts into a handkerchief and shows the blood to the camera like Nicole, and he's.

Like, I won't be around forever, and Bruce is like, you sure you will. You're gonna live to be a thousand.

I'm sure who wills? A I gonna be able to hire to clean this fucking place.

At this point, the movie decides to treat us to like a Bruce Wayne fever dream flash like memory sequence where he sees himself as a little boy who falls and scrapes his knee and Alfred comes to help him because again his parents died.

Uh huh, and yet left no one in.

Charge of their kid, correct except for their butler. That is unfair butler.

So we cut back to Brazil.

Doctor Woodrew has made his seal and is quite happy with how the whole evening has gone. Unfortunately, Erica, things take a turn for the worse when a rumbling sounds and the hole where doctor Eisley disappeared glows purple, and doctor Isley reappears, rising up like Venus on the half shell, her mousey glasses, her gone, her fire engine red wig is in place. She's wrapped in vines and stretching like a femme fatale. She's no longer Pamela Issley. She is

In this scene, I feel like she's.

Going through all of them. Honestly, I think it's a choice that she is making to like throughout the movie reference because there's a full Marlena Dietrich moment like that is meant to be a Marlene Dietrick moment later in the movie, and I'm like, oh, maybe she's doing like a Golden Age of Hollywood divas thing.

Yeah, she's cycling through because this is I feel like, this scene is Betty Davis.

I agree with you. I fully agree with you. Like I do think that's the choice she's making, and it's excellent excellent.

She lights the lab on fire, and as she does, she notices the name on one.

Of the Beaker's Wayne enterprises.

And she hears Bain roaring in the other room, presumptively having murdered all of the Ununited Nations people who didn't purchase his services. I don't know what happened in there. And she says, come along, Bain, dear, because for some reason she has.

Power over Bain.

This makes no sense.

I think what the movie wants.

It's like we will learn that that poison ivy has like pheromone powers to control men, and in the comics it's both men and women.

It feels like it's only men in this movie. But not clear anyway.

I think the implication is that she is dosing him with her pheromones and so he is, you know, enraptured by her at all times, but they never once show her actually doing that.

Wait.

Cut to mister Freeze's hideout in an abandoned ice cream factory.

Freeze is trying to get his hockey henchmen to sing for him. Of all the henchmen, this is the worst henchman job, right.

I have that exact note. This has gotta be the worst.

This is the worst henchman job in Gotham. Like Joker, maybe's volatile and mean to his henchmen, absolutely, but nothing like the like the psychological torture that Freeze does to his men, who he forces to wear.

First of all, he's.

Like sexually confusing outfits, and he's trying to get them all to sing like the Mister Freeze song, the Freeze Meister song or whatever from like the from like I can't remember which cartoon is. I think it's I think it's Frost with a Snowman or something one of those, and like they're not doing it right and they're all literally freezing to death in this ice cold environment because they're not cold blooded.

The way he is.

There's not enough health insurance in the world make me take this gig.

And I'm gonna say it right now. I don't think Freeze is providing health insurance. I don't think he is.

Oh, I would like to think he is.

You would like to think so, but I question that he comes from.

Probably like a socialist leaning European country. He believes in universal health care. This is also when we meet his assistant that shows up in one scene never fucking again, Miss b Haven, I kind of love it.

Actually, I just don't know why it isn't ice themed in some way.

None of this makes any sense. She's played by Vivica A Fox. She is horney for doctor Freeze.

Yeah.

She tries to get a little something going on with mister Freeze, but he's like, I only have eyes for my wife.

Yeah, he says that, and I'm like, how do you not put a pun here? Do you want some Freeze with that shake to like like scare her off, you know, like something like that.

Because that's not going to scare any woman off.

Well, you gotta put the right spin on it.

Yeah, that's that, Like, yes, yes, sir, I would, Yes, chef.

You're a tough hoe to snow something like that. But we shouldn't call it a fox a hoe?

That's that?

That that one flies, well.

It's ninety seven.

I don't I think a fox would be like you know what, a puns upon you, guys, mister Freeze. Then villain monologues about how he only needs one more gigantic diamond and then.

He'll be able to hold Gotham ransom.

His plan is to create an ice ray like that will freeze the city, or threaten to that the city will have no choice but to give him the money he needs to complete his research and find a cure for McGregor's syndrome and his wife who then he can.

Unfreeze, and I guess in maybe the processes will find a cure for him. Wayne Industries would write so many grants to this.

Man if he just asks, did you just ask Bruce Wayne?

None? If this makes any sense?

And also like again, this is all for actual science, Just do the science.

He goes into this like secret alcove and he gazes as his wife who waits. In suspended animation.

We cut to Wayne Manor and the doorbell rings and Dick rushes to get it. Outside, he finds Barbara Wilson played by Alicia Silverstone. She is Alfred's niece. Alfred is thrilled to see her. She is thrilled to see Alfred. She is in all the way from England. And before you ask Erica, no, Alicia Silverstone is not attempting a British accent on any level.

What the fuck?

Why not simply say she is my niece and she grew up in America?

Why not he went to a boarding school in northern California, and.

She's his sister's daughter, which is also I'm like, I don't even understand how the aging is working here, because, as you said, Michael Goff is conservatively seventeen thousand years old.

In this movie, they show and they show a picture of his sister, and the picture looks like.

It was taken in nineteen forty.

Yes, and when his sister was twenty years old in nineteen forty, which would make her also seventy five years old when this film comes out.

Yeah, Alasta Silverstone is supposed to be sixteen.

Yes, the fuck?

All right, So Barbara was orphaned five years ago and Alfred has been supporting her ever since from a distance because he can't take any time off from this mansion because we leave for one day, the entire thing falls down and Bruce and Dick won't eat.

Do you think Alfred was cursed by a gypsy when he was young? And think part of the curse was at like any time an orphan just like goes in his path a vision, he has to support it for the rest of his life.

They become his responsibility immediately, Yeah.

Yeah, immediately, anyone who's an orphan, This man is bound to take care of you forever.

So Dick is very into having a woman his own age around own age quote unquote, because look, in the parlance of the movie, they are age appropriate, and the two actors are age appropriate. They're just both playing significantly younger than they actually although actually a least's supposen is like twenty one. Here, I think she's not that much older than what she's supposed to be.

It doesn't actually look that weird. Like, yeah, with the two of them flirting, it's fine, except that, like there's a brother sister vibe that I'm picking up off of these two that I'm not into.

Well, there's no chemistry, there's no romantic chemistry at all. So they seem like brother and sister. And also she never once shows any interest in him. It's all coming from him.

And canonically she is underage. She is a child, Like I get it. He's also supposed to be like eighteen maybe and she's seventeen, and it's not weird, yeah, but it's just fucking weird.

Uh.

It's decided that Barbara will stay with them while she she's in town, and Alfred's like, we do get so busy around him. Master Bruce, and Master Bruce doesn't pick.

Up on any of the whole thing of like Alfred being like, I don't want my high school age niece around all of the super villains that will, no doubt be laying siege to this mansion within the week.

And he's like, no, it's fine, Alfred, what are you talking about. It's fine. So now Barbara is staying there with them.

We have plenty of rooms. Yeah, you don't mind cleaning another bedroom, right, Alfred?

Oh you think he doesn't have to clean the empty bedrooms if no one's staying there. I think he has to clean them.

Yeah. You know he rotates those sheets.

Yeah, it's new linen's at least at least twice a week in every room.

Yeah, at least.

Yeah, he does a linen rotation every week. Otherwise the moms will get to them, Paul.

Yeah, otherwise he'll get bored.

Yeah, we have to keep you know what, as soon as someone retires, they often will pass away, So they got to keep Alfred busy, so he doesn't have time to die.

Well.

The thing is part of the curse is that like every time a new orphan comes in his path, so he's afraid to leave that house, right.

And so because as soon as he sees another orphan, he's like, oh.

Shit, that's not damn even if you don't know it's an orphan, just passing one on the street.

Oh know.

They find him like the pied piper, like like a cat to a fish restaurant, walk up to him.

He has a scent. Yeah, he smells like Turkish delight. At Christmas that night, Barbara finds Alfred trying to get in contact with his brother Wilfrid, who is part of quote unquote the Floating Court of Miran Japour.

I have no idea. I didn't look into it, no idea.

I bet it's totally a real thing. Yeah, he didn't make anything up at all.

Don't worry about it.

Hence, Wilfrid is very hard to find in contact because you never know where the court is. So she kisses her uncle. She says, I'm here to tuck you in. He's like, well, that's a change of pace, and I'm like, is it because she's been in England and you've been in Gotham presumptively her entire life.

Whatever. She sneaks out of her room.

She swipes one of the motorcycles in the garage and she heads out, So this is kind of an interesting thing. There were a lot more scenes with Barbara in the original draft of the script, and a lot of them got cut because the producers got mad that Alicia Silverstone gained weight and they made Joel Schumacher cut them.

Oh my god, huh, that's so fucked that's so nineties though. Yeah, I know, the idea that that woman was quote unquote fat, right, that's so fucked up.

So they just cut her scenes.

Barbara will now disappear from the movie for like twenty minutes. You don't see her again.

I thought it was just because it's already two hours plus and they have fifteen other characters they.

Have to deal with possibly that as well, and.

There's and they're like, Okay, we're just gonna cut Barbara and Dick the most, because like they're the frankly, the boring ones. Yeah, oh that sucks, fuck this movie.

You're saying Dick was not uncut.

I no, I don't think Dick was cutting up. I like my dick a little more cut.

Yeah, you like a clean a clean cut.

I like a clean cut Dick.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I.

Feel like this Dick's a little messy. I don't like that. I don't like where I went with that.

This Dick's little cut.

We cut to my favorite person in the film, Poison Ivy in Gotham with Bain.

She heads to the Gotham Observatory. So the Tim Burton and Batman films wet full gothic with Gotham. They introduced a lot of our deco into the into it's still Gothic and it's our deco.

I'm not complaining. I actually love it. I think it's really cool.

But like it seems like in this movie all of Gotham is held up by these like colossuses, Like these giant, very sexy statues of men are literally holding up all of Gotham. So you'll have like a highway that's that's like the pedestal of the highway is this giant colossus and the man's hand is holding the highway up, and like same with the observatory.

It's it's super interesting.

Uh so that the observatory, which is precariously perched in the giant colossus, is where Bruce Wayne is giving another done to Gossam City.

And there's like a dedication for a new telescope. Through the use of this telescope plus several satellites that Wayne enterprises has set up around the Earth, they'll be able to see anywhere on Earth with the telescope and the satellites, so it's less for looking out at the stars and more for looking in. But the movie does not engage that at all.

All of America's allies and enemies are thrilled with this telescope.

They're all down with it.

So Bruce Wayne is there and he's with his girlfriend Julie Madison played by Elle McPherson, who's just doesn't know what she's doing, a nosy reporter who claims to be Bruce's best friend.

That woman will never get old. I put that woman in every scene in this movie.

Gossip, Gurdie, gossip, Gerdy, gossip.

Gerdie asks will you two be tying the not anytime soon, and Bruce's like, but I'm a confirmed bachelor.

I live with a teenage boy.

And Julie saves the day by like turning to the reporter and saying, we're madly in love.

But that's good enough for us right now.

Poison Ivy dressed in Pamela Isley drag approaches them over the protests of security and presents Bruce with a proposal of how Wayne Enterprises can immediately cease all actions.

That hurt the environment.

I have to admit at this point in the movie, I'm having a little bit of a Jade Fox reaction to poison IVM, Like, can anyone point to anything she's done wrong so far?

That's another villain that like with a little bit, Like if she had just.

Scaled back her proposal a tiny bit, and like he would have given her all the money in the world, all.

The money, all of the money.

Bruce tells her that millions of people would die due to her proposed overhaul of the existing systems, and she scoffs mammals, and she shouts that the plants and flowers that watched you grow from the primordial soup are coming to reclaim the planet. Okay, now we've gone a little too far. Now lost You've lost me, You've lost her.

So with you, you have to work on your elevator pitch.

Yeah.

The crowd laughs at her, and Bruce says, hey, why don't you come to this gala that Batman and Robin are appearing at It's to save the rainforest and we're auctioning off a diamond. Oh remember they were gonna plant a trap for mister Freeze. Okay, so everyone's everything's coming together now. A poison heavy takes the invitation and she SLINKs away and she monologues to herself. She says, first I'll rid myself of the third and feathered pests, and then Gotham will be mine for the greening.

Love.

She's so great?

What monster? What a satan? Nion?

I don't I already know what you're gonna say?

Designed for the Save the Rainforest.

Ball, the Save the Rainforest ball, that invitation that used more paper than any other invitation in the history of time. It's practically a pop up book.

Is a triple folded It's like those things you get for a Broadway show in the mail. The middle panel is like all the information you need Friday night, seven pm.

That's nice.

Batman and Robin are gonna be there with their nipples and their asses and their god pieces.

Come and dance BYO Fox Ling BYO Fox Lane.

Chicken will be served, And then the side panels instead of a photo of a beautiful.

Rainforest thriving or a bird.

It is just like the earth on flaming fire and a red face screaming at you. Like, the rainforests need to be saved. Not because they're slowly dying because of environmental toxins. They need to be saved because someone is literally holding a gun to their head. That's right, a volcano is being held to the rainforest head. And if you don't give us enough money by midnight, we're gonna fucking torch the rainforest. What is a ransom? Note this is not an invitation. We cut to the Save the

Here's my actual problem with this. This is not how auctions work.

No, the auctioneer is on stage and he's like, these are the five ladies behind me. They're all named after a flower. You want to do you want to go out with the orchid? Do you want to go out with the rose? Do you want to go out with the lily? Blah blah blah.

And then men are just shouting from the audience one thousand dollars for the lily, ten thousand dollars for the orchid, And I'm like, that's not how bidding.

What did you catch what? They're actually bidding on a date with the lady. No, that's what I thought too.

They are bidding on a chance to dance with them while they are wearing the diamond.

That's on loan from Bruce.

Just give money, Just give if you are willing to spend fifty thousand dollars on something this stupid, just give the money to the rainforest, you fuckers.

What sexual deviancy I know was involved in that plan, Whereas like, I want to dance with a young new Bio woman, but only if she's wearing expensive shoes. It's my only fetish and I've never had a chance to fulfill it.

I'm so excited. I should we talk about the performers.

I was trying to figure out because at first I was like, that music doesn't sound because in my head, because of where I grew up on this side of the earth, rainforest equals Brazil. Yes, So I was like, that's not Brazilian music at all. And then I realized, oh, it's African music. Okay, so they're talking about.

Like an African rainforest. Sure, whatever. Then the movie just gets so racist so fast. Yeah, all right, so hay on. First of all, picture it the set design.

It's like they're all dancing on like the skull of a giant, like a giant animal skull is what it looks like. And I think it's meant to evoke voodoo. So in a moment, there's.

Gonna be two people coming out in gorilla costumes, and one of them is Poison Ivy and she's in the gorilla costume and it is an exact reference to a Marlena Dietrich film called Blonde Venus. Marlena Dietrich is a cabaret performer.

In the film, she comes out dressed as a gorilla, and she slowly takes off one glove and slowly takes off another and then reveals herself to be this gorgeous blonde woman inside the gorilla costume. I kind of remembered that scene because it's a very famous scene in film history. So I rewatched it to this to be like, oh, they match the choreography and they do.

That's cool. That's cool. Then I watched the rest of the scene.

Paul, Okay, I don't.

I really, I'm not recommending people watch it because it is triggering. It is the most racist thing you'll ever see.

Oh wow, Okay, Bond.

Venus scene is like a bunch of white women in dark face, like in black face, wearing blonde afros. The blonde afros have like arrows through them. It's I mean, it's so bad. It's so and that's what the costumes are evoking in this scene. Doing the costumes in the Blonde Venus scene, which were very like god like brass skirts, very first thought nineteen twenties of like what is an like what what do Africans look like when they're dancing?

Got like genuinely and.

I'm like, oh my god, this is so frizd. I want to love this movie, but meet me halfway. I guess they don't have any performers in blackface.

I do not, that's true.

So okay, So cut to that scene she pulls off the gorilla suit. She reveals herself in full Poison Ivy. Now we've see Poison ivy as as I'm guessing she appears in the comic books. Yeah, green, the tight green outfit, the red boufont on her head.

She looks fucking incredible.

Do you notice that the music changes for her strip tease? Does that imply she sends Baine to the DJ booth?

Yes?

Yeah, okay, okay, just checking.

But it's the set. Do you think the gorillas were part of.

The act and they're two unconscious performers backstage?

Like?

Why?

Why?

Why are Jennifer and Harvey like acting like this? That's not where the gorillas are supposed to be. They don't like they don't realize it.

Who put the song Poison ivy?

Like an acoustic version of Poison ivy?

This is Kenny G doing Poison ivy? What is happening?

Put the jazzy Poison Ivy over? Are weird fake African music? Yeah?

So she comes out in full Poison Ivy regalia. She walks her pheromones into the crowd and everyone falls under her spell. So she's got these like pads on her hands that she blows and in the movie we see like a pink like mist going through the air that no one can see, but the audience and the idea is is she's wafting pheromones into the air so so

What's going on?

Right? Good? Point?

Everyone falls under her spell.

Yeah, So Poison Ivy does a little like kind of dance number. She SLINKs her way onto the stage with Batman and Robin, who of course are not reacting as they normally would to someone placing everyone under mind control because they're also under her mind control pheromones both of them right in the face, and she sets them against each other. She coos to Batman one ats in junior home early, I've got some wild oats to sew. So now she's she's like May West in the scene.

Right, she's full May West.

Yeah, so good, And then she purrs to Robin forget the geriatric bat. My garden needs tending. She takes the diamond and she puts it on and this enormous necklace. It's kind of ugly, frankly necklace.

It looks like something Elizabeth Taylor would have been like too much.

It looks like something that the Queen of Shiba would be like, do you have anything a little more modest? She asks, there are any bids for a night out with her and our you know, first the men in the audience start, but then our two main Jabronis start bidding against each other. Batman's like a million dollars, Robin's like two million dollars. Batman's like, you don't have that amount of money, three million dollars, and Robin's like, I'll

Very loose word borrow up right there, very loose use of that word borrow implies you're gonna pay him back.

Finally, Batman, and this is truly an idea of the movie, whips out his Batman Forever goth card, like.

It like a fake credit card.

He bids seven million dollars and says, never leave home without.

It, MasterCard, Never leave home without it. My soul left my body.

You know what actually think if you watch the movie closer you can see George Clooney soule leaving his body as at the same time.

I'm glad George Clooney's career has done as well as it has. Yeah, Guly, I'm like, we owed him, We owe him.

For this one, this entire movie. Every time he's in the batsuit, it feels like he's really upset. When he's Bruce Wayne, he looks like he's having like a like something of a good time.

But the batsuit, no.

The Freeze tank mercifully breaks through the door and distracts us from what just went on. Mister free says, all right, everyone chill.

That is my favorite pun in the film, Batman and Robin take on the hockey Henchman. While mister Freeze makes his way to the stage to get the diamond off of poison ivy. She's like, well, hell oh, they're sailor, and she tries to pheromone him, and he says he smells it, he can smell it on her, and he.

Goes m plant pheromones.

Very clever girl, but I'm immune and it doesn't work on the cold blooded.

So she's like more intrigued by him, She's not less. She's like ooh, a man, I can't seduce. He takes the necklace off of her, which she genuinely didn't care about the necklace. She was just there to fuck with everyone. And he climbs back into the freeze tank and heads out, and Batman and Robin start to chase after him, but not before poison Ivy catches Robin's eye one more time.

Dick takes one last look.

You know what happens when poison Ivy gets on Dick.

Though, Yes, oh not pleasant. Yeah, I mean talk about talk about unsightly sores where you don't want them.

Yeah, Master Dick is in for a rough night.

Master Dick is time to get back into the oatmeal bath. Batman and Robin are chasing after mister Freeze and his freeze tank. Poison Ivy leaves and she she walks past the Commissioner Gordon. He said, you've just met one of the most sinister men in Gotham, and she says, that's not a.

Man, that is a god.

During the chase, Batman becomes concerned that Dick isn't going to be able to make the leap. The hole is gonna be too big for Dick to get all the way across.

You know what I mean. He's a beautiful dick.

All dicks are beautiful in their own way, but this one's not going to be able to handle that hole.

Let's put it that way. So Batman's like, Dick, pull out.

He actually says pull back, But it's funny if I say pull out, given what we're doing here. And Dick's like no, And Batman overrides the controls on his little Robin cycle, which in this I found out it's called Redbird in the scene, but I'm calling it the Robin Cycle. He hits the brakes, Robin skids to a halt. He cannot continue the chaser mister Freeze. He screams his rage into the air as that batmobile flies across this hole and crashes into this other area where mister Freeze has landed.

I don't I don't know what that means.

That one doesn't work.

I don't even know what that's a fun on.

The car freezes, but Batman injects out of the out of the driver's seat and he flies through the air, and mister free suddenly looks up after seeing the car crash. He goes oh, and Batman crashes through the window of the Freeze tank. He knocks mister Freeze unconscious. His cape like flies across the camera, and then we just see Batman standing above mister Freeze's unconscious body, having defeated him. Erica, that is about halfway through this movie.

Shall we put on our pleasure pants and take a walk, take a constitutional?

Shall I yank up my pants, get my ass to the little jiggle? Yeah, the butt rebound that everyone likes.

Should I click my heels Judy Garland style and rollerskate my way out of here.

There's no place like ads. We will be right back after these, and we're back back.

At the bat Cave. Robin throws the Hissius of fits.

Crystal Donald is being saddled with like just the most irritating person ever written.

You want the Joker to come in and kill him.

You want him to die, and then Alicia Silverstone to become like the new batsidekick and just be like, let's just do that.

Let's just do that instead of this.

So he's like, you're being overprotective and you're not letting me grow and you're not letting me grow into my potential and blah blah blah. And also you just are jealous of poison Ivy because she wanted me and not you. And Batman's like, listen, kid, I make the rules. And Robin's like, you're never gonna trust me, and then they start.

To make out.

Yeah, and well, first Batman grabs Robin's face in his hands, he cradles his face and he says, damn it, Dick, don't you know why I stop you from hurting yourself? And Dick's like no, no, oh, Bruce, why and then they just gently gently kiss.

Yeah, it's so romantic.

It's so romantic. It's as romantic as two men in gimpsuits can be with each other.

It's that's what makes it romantic, is it both in gimpsuits. And they're like, but they're being so tender.

With each other.

They embrace and you hear that squeaking of rubber on rubber.

And Barbara comes in and she sees the scene and she goes, oh, this is what I'm into. Oh, and she just slowly walks out. She's like, I'm gonna give.

Them their space and she runs. She runs to her room, and she masturbates herself into a fucking coma.

Thinking about it, he clips her clip right off. All right, maybe that actually happened.

You don't know. You don't know.

You haven't seen the movie since sixteen ninety seven because it was terrible.

Maybe it's in there, Maybe it's not.

Maybe that's exactly what happened. Just believe us.

So we cut to Alfred composing another message to his brother Wilfred. He's saying they have very little time. Bruce enters. He's just taking a shower, and he asks, Alfred, is it always my way or the highway?

That's what Dick said because he wanted me to bottom this time.

Alfred says, yes, Ever since your parents were killed, you do everything you can to control the world, but none of us can control death. So there are a few scenes with Alfred and Bruce in this movie that are genuinely like they hit the scene.

Has no right right in this movie?

Uh huh.

For the first time in a whole movie, someone says something that's actually poignant and meaningful, and I'm like, whoa, there's chemistry between these two actors. Yeah, yeah, I feel like an affection between Bruce and Alfred in this seat and like no, right, I dare you?

And then Joel Schumacher, who I love but he cannot resist his worst instincts, takes this moment and has like George Cooley look up. It cuts to like a window frame, and then it cuts to like another one of those hallucinations where you see like Alfred leading Bruce to his parents' graves so he can put flowers on their girds.

Like we got it, Joel. You didn't need to put this, You didn't need to ice this cake in this way.

This is the fourth of these movies. We we know mythology, oh this character. We all know that Alfred was cursed as a young boy.

How Alfred doesn't wind up a super villain in this story is a mystery to me.

Mystery like because Julie the most justified supervillain origin story of all time, absolutely.

Of all time.

So we cut to the garage where Barbara is returning the motorcycle that she took. Dick finds her, Dick and babs that old duo. He startles her and she she's like ah, and she flips him over with a.

Bit of judo, you know, like a teenager would exactly.

She's like, oh, I'm so sorry, I you know. And he's like, why did you learn to do that?

And she's like, well, you know, London's a rough town and I'm absolutely from London.

She's like, listen, I just couldn't resist. Please don't tell Uncle Alfred, and I'll clean up everything in the morning. Thank you bybe and she kind of like runs away.

We cut to Arkham Asylum. Mister Freeze is brought into his cell. Now the conception of this is that there is a cold zone in the cell, so like he's he's brought to the cell by these two asshole guards. They get in his face a little bit, he knocks them both down. He tries to escape, but he can't escape because remember his body has to stay at absolute zero, so he can't get out of the cell. But they have represented the cold zone with like a blue spotlight in the center of the center of the cell.

It could not look more.

Like Arnold Schwartznaker is about to burst into a cabaret song. I really can't stay all but baby, it's cold outside.

I bost go away.

This evening has been so very nice, I'll hold your hands there just like ice, and he like really hits all the ice things.

Yes, do you think he does it as like one of those performers it does like a half man half woman.

He does a jel Hyde thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so.

Half his face is in full like like and then the other half is just mister Freeze. Yeah, and he's pretending to be a young a young maiden caught in mister Freeze's my sister will be soft Bishop. We cut to Poison Ivy, who has Bane break into an old Turkish bath house. I've said this before earlier, when I was like, there's a literal bath house.

In this movie.

Now, the movie doesn't go any further than having a bath house. And theoretically it makes some level of sense. A woman whose whole body is basically like exotic plants would seek a warm, like humid environment, so this all makes some level of sense. But again it's Unford. It's an unfortunate coincidence in a film that is so filled with like gay subtext. Yeah that like one of the villain's lairs is a literal bath house. So they break into the bath house. Inside there's a gang. They basically

And she uses her abilities and she turns the entire building into like a vine swaddled evil lair.

Yeah.

Why doesn't she use this in battle?

Because then there's no way for Batman, Robin and Backgirl to defeat her, because she's far outstrips all of them as far as abilities.

It's like the whole movie.

She's like, I don't fight. I let Baine fight my battles for me. And then she yah, however, I control all the plants on earth.

Yeah. Correct, that's a real fucking superpower. Correct.

We cut back to Julie and Bruce. I think they're in Wayne manner. She proposes marriage to Bruce. He turns her down flat.

This scene does not need to be in this movie. Why the fuck does Bruce even have a girlfriend. What's the point.

That's because they wanted to put more models in the movie that are gonna be under used or or just poorly used. Because el Mcherson can act, maybe Vandola can act either.

I don't know. She asks him to think about it. He says no, and she's like, wait.

She's never heard no before. She's like, wait, I don't know that word is.

I don't understand me. Let me just I'll say what I said again and then you give me the right response.

Yeah.

She kisses him, and as she kisses him, he hallucinates poison Ivy is kissing him, and although we don't see this, he apparently calls her Ivy and she pulls back and she says, who's Ivy and he says, I wish I knew. So the scene now cuts, which means we are leaving this scene with this woman having asked her boyfriend to marry her, him saying no, then him calling her another woman's name, and then when she's like who is that, he's like, no, no, no, Ivy is what I call dick.

Yeah, uh uh oops.

It's just like she's like, oh, so you are having with the man who lives in your house?

Yes, He's like, oh, absolutely, was that not clear?

He's part of it.

He's part of it for us, absolutely, he is part of this. Yes.

Back down in the.

Bat Cave, Dick is investigating poison IVY and he spots Barbara taking off again. He follows her to what is essentially a scene from.

Greece but set in the world of the Warriors.

Yeah, where you have thirty five year olds playing teenagers in weird outfits and they're all gangs. There's a whole gang that's just clockwork Orange, which is just a reference to another movie.

And I'm like, but why, but why?

Though?

Also there's women in the Clockwork Orange like a gang, which makes no sense. No woman would be in that, you know what, Moving on tighter explaining clockwork Orange to.

People, we cannot start parsing Clockwork Orange two thirds of the way through Batman and Robin.

So basically, we're here for a motorcycle race, yep.

And Barbara apparently has been going every night to these motorcycles, these underground, secret motorcycle races, and she's been making side bets with the assholes. First all, she's winning them, and then she's making side bets like double her money.

But who is she making the side bets with? Who? Who is she running all of her entrance fees through here Erica.

One could say she has entered at Gangsta's Paradise. That's right, because she's made a side bet with Coolio.

Yeah.

So the motorcycle gang has decided to like undermine Barbara because they're tired of losing to a girl.

There's a very long sequence that follows basically.

I cannot decide if this is so stupid it's boring, or so boring. It's stupid, it's but it's one of them.

It is so boring, it's stupid.

Okay, thank you.

So boring and stupid because again, like the two characters I just don't care about in this movie, I'm like, oh cool, it's Dick and Babs.

Oh Dick and Babs.

Can I get more poison ivy please?

So, long story short, they sabotage her and they almost wind up killing her, and she ends up like falling over a cliff.

Dick manages to save her just in time. Yeah, and then they cut so it's the two of them dangling from a cliff.

Uh huh.

And then they just cut to them at back at Wayne Manor Barbara and Dick like you're not gonna show me how he got her off that cliff or like, like to be clear, he has one hand on the cliff and one hand holding her and they are dangling, and then they just cut to the two of them cozy and safe at Wayne Manner.

Fuck this movie.

If I'm not mistaken, Erica, I think you're actually giving the movie more credit that deserves.

I believe he is.

He has hooked a foot over like a piece of rebar hanging out because it's like it's like a broken off bridge that they did like that. Yeah, so I think he's holding on by a foot. And now remember, Erica, he is a circus acrobat who they can do anything.

That's my point is, like, you have the money, this is Batman. They could have done something so cool. Yeah, and instead they were.

Like just cut just they were as bored with Dick and Babs as we are.

Fair enough, Apparently she's too fat to get off that mountain. How's he gonna or her up that bridge? She weighs one hundred pounds?

All right, so now we get more of Babs's backstory. A backstory for Babs. She admits that she got kicked out of college for street racing. Although you say it's high schools I said college high school? You think its high school? Okay, she got kicked out of school, genuinely.

What college kicks you off for street racing?

Fair enough? You care?

Not that's fair?

It doesn't matter.

She says she's made enough money street racing now that she can take Alfred away from his dismal life of servitude.

She doesn't know about the curse. She doesn't know that Alfred has no choice.

And this is best case scenario because Bruce doesn't like actually physically abuse him, although he could.

He could if he wanted to, if he wanted.

To, Would I say he should?

Yes, We're just saying he could if Alfred asked nicely the way Dick does.

Like he could, like if if Bruce wanted to, Alfred could get a little side action exactly, That's what I'm saying. You think Alfred has assless chaps up in his closet.

One thousand percent.

Alfred's a freak made with the finest calf's leather because he is a very hasty, classy gentleman, the.

Calf that he slaughtered, skinned and tanned himself in the backyard of r manner.

I was so happy when Barbara was like, yeah, I'm taking my uncle by obviously sick and elderly uncle like and putting him in a place where he doesn't have to weight hand and foot on two assholes who don't seem to take him.

I like, genuinely, this made me so happy. I was like, yes, yes, yes, what else sees it too?

I feel like this whole this whole series has been gaslighting me into believing that this is all great for Alfred.

I'm like, it's not. It's not great for Alfred.

They put a lot of lines in Babs's mouth about like almost of like nineteen ninety seven, commenting on the mythology of Batman to a certain extent, I don't really care about the Alfred relationship with Batman because it's from when did it start? Like I don't remember nineteen forty Batman appears like it's a different time and it's a holdover, and like the obvious say's not taking it.

That seriously in the comic books, presumably.

Exactly, and the obvious relationship is father son, right, So like it's all a metaphor whatever. I don't really care, but like they put these lines in Babs's mouth and you're like, and you're like, yes, thank you, and like later she'll have something about like, h men always have to do things the hard way, and I'm like, they're trying to make her like this this feminist icon, it's so weird.

And then she slut shames Boison ivy lads and I'm like yes and no both.

Yeah, this is a conversation.

We need to have ladies. This is not This is not a fight scene. This should be a conbo Yeah.

So Dick is like, what are you talking about a life of servitude. Alfred is with his family, he's happy. Barbara is like, are you fucking serious? My uncle is sick, you asshole, and she walks out. But Bruce has heard this and he fills in from another room. He's like, Alfred's not sick, he's dying. And then Dick, with all the emotion of someone in a friendly poker game who just lost twenty dollars when they had a full house, says.

I can't believe it.

It's really not good. I have put more spin on it. I can't believe it. When I get a triple snumper in jeopardy, like, I can't believe it.

I did it.

It's so excited.

Meanwhile, mister Freeze gets a visitor in Arkham.

It interrupts his rendition of a do you want to build a snow man?

It doesn't have to be a snow man.

You're frozen when your heart's not opened.

Ice ice baby.

He stops and he goes, oh my god, it's Queen. He stole the riff from queen. How did no one ever catch on?

Did Queen get paid? This is an injustice?

You know what? Forget my wife? I am, I am now, I am now defending Freddie Mercury.

Poison Ivy breaks into his cell just as he finishes up his last the last bar of ISOs Baby. She pheromoones his guards. She gives them both the kiss of deaths, and then she proposes an alliance with mister Freeze. And Bain arrives with mister Freeze's cryogenic suit from Arkham's storage closet presumably mm hmm. They bust through the wall of his cell and mister Freeze tells Poison Ivy to get his wife while he gets more diamonds, and.

She's like, you never told me I had a wife.

Uh huh.

I almost wish they'd given her if they're gonna do the may West thing, I have no complaints, to be clear, but if they're gonna do the may West thing, have give her some old like may West lines.

Yeah, but she does have a great line in the scene where he's like, I need the diamond from my hideout and she says, I'll help you grab your rocks.

Yes.

Later on, she's like flirting with Robin and he's like, I need a sign that you're not gonna kill me, and she goes slippery when wet and I'm like, yes, clutching my pearls.

I was like, my goodness.

So she's not pleased to hear that he has a wife, but she agrees. She's like, fine, I'll go save your stupid wife. He would, he would go to the wife first, but he needs the diamonds to survive.

Yeah, his suit, his suit is losing power.

Yeah.

Back at Wayne Manor, Bruce asks Alfred about his health. He's like, now I know you're sick, Like, I can get you the best treatments. I can get you the best doctors, and Alfred is like, no, master way, I've already seen the best treatments. Look, you think you know

Really fucking works.

Dick bursts in and he's like, Bruce, we gotta lub up and get those gimpsuits on. Mister Freeze has escaped, and they run off to jump into like the the that of ky jelly that they have before. They slide right into their.

Batsuits absolutely so. Bevan and Robin head to mister Freeze's hide out and they're like, on their way to mister Freeze's hide out, they discuss how they realize now that poison Ivy is not a good guy.

Mmm.

They're like, basically the pheromone power that she has over them has worn off, so it takes days for this thing to wear off. They find the secret chamber that mister Freeze keeps his wife in, and Batman notes that Freeze has actually managed to find a cure for McGregor's syndrome in its early stages, but that the disease is too far advanced for Nora for for mister Freeze to

They're in the basement of the ice cream factory.

Cool.

Yeah, not a euphemism, No, not at all.

Mister Freeze goes to get his diamonds so he can power up and and Poison Ivy stays and she confronts Batman and Robin by herself. Her pheromones snake up through the grate, so they have They don't even know she's there, and she's already affecting them. These pheromones lead the two heroes to go down into the basement of the building.

In the basement, the two encounter Baine, who easily like tosses Robin aside. So while Batman is fighting Baine like like a little ways away, Poison Ivy crouches down in front of Robin gives him a face full of pheromones. She tries to do the same to Batman when Batman lands close to her, but he is intelligent enough to not breathe in. After that failure, she lets Baine take on Batman again and returns to Robin blowing another set of pheromones in his face.

She's gonna make this poor kid blow out his pants.

He's gonna have a nocturnal emission mid battle.

He is already a teenaged boy. Yeah, girl, you don't have to fight this hard.

She almost manages to plant a kiss on Robin when Batman interrupts.

He's like, hey, remember we heard about their arrival.

We heard about these agents that were they died through poison introduced to their mouths. If she kisses you, she's trying to kill you. Her kiss is poison. So Batman has actually figured out some stuff here. Robin's like, why are you always stopping pretty ladies from kissing me? He's like covering the front of his crotch because it's bone is actually poked through the rubber.

He's like, oh god, he destroyed that suit. His cock and Poulter out just punch right through. The two heroes get into a fight. Poison Ivy makes her way upstairs.

So this is when Robin winds up in the vat of chemicals that you wanted something to happen for, And this is the explanation they are in the basement of an ice cream factory that is a pistachio ice cream base that he was tossed into.

So, by the logic of this world, shouldn't that turn him into some kind of pistachio supervillain.

Only if there's chemicals in the ice cream. Maybe it's an all natural ice cream.

Could he be called mister mustachioed Pistachio I hope so, and turn green and have a long mustache, and his whole thing would be that he's a creamy delight.

Bruce would love him even more like this.

Bothered me so much that there is a of green goo in his factory that a character falls into and nothing happens.

I had the exact same reaction the first time, because I didn't realize it was an ice cream factory. It wasn't until I was like, oh, it's an actual ice cream factory. Okay, I now can at least write a story in my head for what that is. It's not toxic waste or your venom or whatever it needs to be in this world. It's just it's just eggs, cream, pistachio flavoring, and sugar and touch the salt.

Okay, what if he file into the mint that okay, but it's like that bad minut ice cream that's green instead of the good min.

I say, yeah, that's white.

His code name already got it. It's winter green, winter green. Ooh yeah.

And he like he like subdues you with his sexy breath.

Oh yes, he.

Blows in your general direction and you're like, god, you smell good. And then it goes in for the punch.

Yeah.

What if you got flipped into a vat of moose tracks? Oh no, oh yeah, all of his appendages morphed into moose into moose hoofs.

Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah. Oh so it doesn't have to be green then all right, well come on, now.

We're opening up a whole world.

Oh no, oh no, he falls into a vat of Neapolitan ice cream.

Oh god, And and and he takes over Europe.

He takes over, He takes over Europe. But he has three distinct personalities.

In my brain, Neopolitan ice cream is based on Napoleon and not Naples.

Okay, gotcha.

I want everyone to know where my brain is going and why. I don't think that's true. I think it's supposed to be Naples and not Napoleon.

But even as a kid, I was like this, this ice cream is named after Napoleon, and I refuse to change my opinion.

It's just dig in your heels, absolutely fucking now. Yeah, this is a fact.

I have made it a fact. I don't know that it's true, and it very well could be that Napoleon. Neapolitan ice cream is named after Napoleon because he did wear like a tricolor hat.

But well, I know that he I think the the Napoleon is actually for Napoleon, but.

The Neapolitan ice cream is for nap I.

Feel like that's I'm not positive though, I'm really.

Not never been so sure that I'm wrong about something and yet refuse to change my opinion, my belief.

It's not an opinion, it's a belief.

But anyway, he falls into that of Neapolitan ice cream and then becomes Napoleon.

Yeah, is what's happening. It's fantastic cosign.

So anyway, while he's getting out of the that of chemicals and or pistachio ice cream based.

Oh no, don't fall into the chunky monkey.

Whatever you do, don't fall into the fish food.

Oh no. Oh my god if it was a Ben and Jerry's factory.

Honestly, no supervillains are made in a Ben and Jerry's factory.

It's all just very mellow, chopy.

Do you want to know what though, I'm now remembering when I was in college. It's the true story that my favorite Ben and Jerry's flavor, which hasn't since been discontinued, it was pistachio ice cream with actual pistachios in it, and it was swirled together with chocolate ice cream with chocolate covered almonds in it. And it was called that of ice cream that you really don't want to fall into world nuts or swirled nut, swirled nuts. I should say,

We cut to Poison IVS hide out.

She and mister Freeze reconnect and she's like, I'm really sorry your wife's dead, and he's like, what what happened? And she goes Batman Batman killed your wife, he deactivated her chamber. He is enraged, So now his whole like reason for living has gone, So he's gonna.

Have a new one, vengeance.

No better reason exists, and Poison Ivy says there's no point in only punishing Batman and Robin and not punishing.

The society that created them. Mister Freeze is like, I don't follow that logic.

At all, but a mad so yes, yes, yes, and sure none of that made any kind of sense, but yes, Poison Ivy is fucking thrilled.

She's like, yes, I have another She's basically another Bane at her Betman call. Once they murder all humans outside of themselves, of course, Yeah, her hybrid snake plants will take over the earth and she and mister Freeze will rule them. Why would someone whose whole thing is plants be like into someone whose whole thing is frost.

Well, now we're thinking too hard Erica.

The world he wants is not one that's compatible with plants.

My favorite part about the scene is when she just mentions her her hybrid snake slash plants, which is the thing she was talking about in the first scene. Remember, but we haven't heard from them again. Then Bain hands her this little Audrey too puppet yeah from off screen, and she starts cooing at this plant. This plant will not appear again in the movie. It has not been referenced prior except that one time.

In the scene.

They could not have stolen this Audrey for like this plant more from Little Shopopa. Absolutely not, and it looks exactly which is probably a reference.

Right This movie is already referencing a million other movies, so that's probably the reason I'll give it that pass.

Back at Wayne Manor, the doctor reports that Alfred has stage one mcgregors syndrome and there's nothing that can be done for him except for everyone to just sit back and watch him die because we got nothing. Bruce and Dick remember that Freeze found a cure for the disease at the stage, but they don't know how he did it. They only know that mister Freeze has a cure. Then they get into another pointless fight. This is what should

There's a bar in Sandford, Cisco. I'm thinking of it.

Yeah, yeah, it's a pointless fight. Dick is like, you're jealous because Ivy wants me and not you, while Bruce, rather than punching the little shit in the throat, correctly points out that poison Ivy is using her abilities to make us fight with each other. Dick will hear none of it. She told me that I should get a Robin signal in the sky, and that's what I want. I want my own Robin signal. And he like stalks off in a huff.

Truly an uphill battle with this carric.

Really it's really not Chris O'Donnell's fault.

Alfred is on his deathbed. He asks Barbara to take a message to his brother. It's like a DVD that's.

Incased CD ROM. It's a CD ROM.

It is one hundred percent of CD ROM in case and like a CD ROM case. And he's like, it's a it's a message that I made for my brother. I trust you because your family but I and I need you to deliver deliver this to him, but don't.

Read the message or listen to the message. And she's like, absolutely, promise you, I will absolutely never read this message.

We cut back to the Gotham Observatory, Bruce is scheduled to dedicate the telescope. Bewilderingly, Julie el McPherson is still with him. She's still making public appearances with him.

I don't know why. There's no explanation.

He is rich, fair enough and very hot and maybe you know, I could see him being good in bed?

Oh you know he's good?

Yeah, yeah, Okay, which of the Batman is best in bed? We have Keaton, we have Kilmer, we have Clooney, we have Bail. Have there been another bat I feel like there's another.

One, Ben Affleck, Robert Pattinson.

Jesus Christ. How many of these have they made?

I think that's it for the modern day.

We have to include Adams Adam West. It's not fair not to include Adam West.

Okay, are we ranking them or we're just doing who's best?

No, just who's bad? Because honestly, I didn't know two of those were Batman until you mentioned it.

I'm gonna be honest, I'm not super familiar with Adam West, so I am just gonna rule him out, not not because of anything about.

Him, I just don't know him well enough. I'm gonna go with the more modern Batman.

Honestly, Adam West is if Batman had dad. But it's not the worst thing in the world. But it's not it's not what you want.

It's not what you Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's absolutely not Christian Bell's Batman.

He's way too He's too narcissistic.

See, like I would like I feel like there's a darkness in that one. Yeah, there's a darkness in that Batman that you kind of want in the in the sheet.

Yeah, you want a darkness, but you don't want all darkness, which is why I'm leaning Keaton.

Keaton got dark but also seemed like you could have fun. Keaton fucks eaton Fox exactly fucks.

Yeah.

Like, here's my issue with Kilmer. He's too good looking. Hmm, No, one that good looking is good.

It's interesting. I've never found Val Kilmer particularly attractive.

I can recognize, like like a scientist studying a diorama in the Naturalistory Museum like that is a good looking man, but I do not find him sexy, understood.

But I again, I think people who are that good looking are just not going to be as good at sex as some of our other.

Can you know? I could see Pattinson kind of being a freak in the sheep.

Oh you know, I'm gonna go with Clooney Batman. I think it's Batman because also this Batman is obviously fluid.

Oh yeah, Clooney Batman is definitely the one that's gonna let you peg him.

Yeah, this is the Batman that's like yo, yes, and yeah. So you're going Keaton, I'm going Clooney, yep. I think Bail is the number two.

Honestly, No, Bail is low on my list. I mean Clooney's my number two. Cloney and Keaton were my were my.

Were my top two Yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah they were my top ten my bottoms.

Listeners, how would you get.

Let us know, let us know. Okay.

So meanwhile, while Bruce and Julie are at the observatory, poison Ivy is there as well. She's in She's back in doctor Issley Drag and she gets the keys to the police station from Commissioner Gordon using her pheromones, and she's like, where's the bat signal?

I know you know where it is?

And he's like, it's on It's on the roof of the police building. She's like great, she gets the keys, she heads to the roof with Baine. This is gets very confusing. Now it looks like she has Baine set

Because that's what happens in the movie.

Are we sure she stole the og bat signal or did she just fashion a new one for Robin.

If if she didn't steal it, I don't know what the purpose of the scene with Baine on the roof is because it's not like Bruce sees the bat signal and goes somewhere that that bat signal doesn't mean anything then unless there's a cut scene where like that's how she like lured him away from the observatory. But she does not know that Bruce Wayne is Batman. That wouldn't even be on her list of things to do.

Yeah.

Meanwhile, remember Barbara being like, I swear to you, my dam huncle, that I will never read this thing that you handed to me, and I will make sure it gets to your brother in India. She immediately ignores that and opens the message he left for his brother, and she managed it.

There is a moving target with Barbara and how good she is at computers. Yeah, that is very funny.

Because at the beginning of the movie she is like apparently her her top subject in school was computers computer science, and at the end of the movie she becomes a computer genius again yep, and like saves the day using her computer genius skills.

But at this point, she puts.

The CD wrong into her uncle's computer and there's a password and she she just puts in Alfred.

She uses his name. Whose password is their name?

I agree?

But also the password winds up being peg peg her mother's name. Can you imagine a world where your password even could be three characters?

Just three characters?

Yeah.

Well, first she types in her mother's full name, Margaret, and it's not it, and then she's like peg. I'm like it should have just been Margaret.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a really easy password to decode. The woman's picture is next to his computer and it says look peg on it. So okay, So anyway, she figures it all out. She finds out who Batman is. Blah blah blah.

Bruce is in the bat Cave when a Robin signal is beamed into the air. Robin appears. He's already lubed up and gimped up. He's in his suit. He's convinced that poison ivy is summoning him. He got so many pheromones that last encounter that he is still completely under her spell. Bruce and him start arguing. Bruce gets to say the line, and this is, honestly kudos to Clooney,

Yeah, you don't want to you don't want to overtrque.

Yeah, talk about world nuts. So Robin is convinced again that Bruce is just jealous. And Bruce like, this is like the story the movie wants to tell. He remembers that Alfred told him, you have to like remember your family. I'm not gonna be here forever. Like, so he implores him. Bruce says, as a friend, as a partner, as a brother, you have to trust me. She is a villain, right, And Robin stops and he looks at Bruce, and then we cut away.

We don't know what he decided.

Meanwhile, mister Freeze heads into the observatory, meaning to co opt it in order to power his freezing gun of Gotham City.

Y'all catch up with me?

Cool?

He freezes the two scientists who are working on the on the whatever Ed proclaims tonight, hell freezes over.

I just want to do one quick shout out to these two scientists. It's an Asian. It's an Asian man and a black woman, who are the two largest roles for people of color in this movie. But this this actor who's playing the Asian man. The Asian male actor is either making a choice or this is just his natural voice. I don't know which, but has given a thick New York accent. So when mister Freeze walks in, he goes, who is this nutball?

So good?

It's so good.

He's you are doing the Lord's work because they're doing all the comic there's a comic relief of the movie. Funny to introduce the comic relief, like an hour and a half into a two hour movie. But he they are, and every time they nail it.

So okay.

So Barbara's gone through Alfred shit, she realizes who Bruce is. Blah blah blah.

She finds the batcave, immediately trips the alarm yep and instead of the alarm like kicking her out or locking it down, Alfred shows up as Max headroom.

Yeah it is Max bedroom. And he's like, well, hello, Barbara, I anticipated that this would happen. And I'm like, then, why didn't you just give her the what's with all this subtribuwe He's like, in fact, I knew that you would ignore what I told you.

Do the thing anyway, find the batcave and become a hero in your own right.

And therefore I have created. He did a super suit for you, made to your measurements. When did he get his niece's measurements? I don't want to know.

So now she has a super suit and there's a bit there's a montage of Alicia Silverstone doing and like, you know what equal equal, Yep, it's equal. It's like the butt they do. Instead of a cod piece, they just do a full front toal.

Of her coach.

No nipples on her on her boobs though, which that.

Would honestly have been so indecent that I would I genuinely would have been like, no, that is a teenage girl, No, stop sexualizing her.

But like they do the butt jiggle with her and everything. Yeah.

So Robin arrives at the source of the Robin signal, which, as we said before, is Poison Ivy's Turkish bath hideout. He heads inside, he finds Poison Ivy waiting for him. She's she's lounging in this enormous venus fly trap. So he approaches her. He walks all the way to her. He lies down in the mouth of this enormous venus fly trap with her and He says he wants to be with her, but he needs to know she's serious about turning over a new leaf. He needs a sign

But no, Erica.

It turns out Robin did trust Batman. He's wearing rubber over his lips, so he's just fine. Never has a dental dan been so heroic in all of cinema, ha ha ha.

Poison Ivy shoves Robin into a pond and he's immediately tangled up in vines. Now he's stuck and he's maybe drowning. She runs into Batman, who's there to stop her. She tangles him up in vines because again she actually has a fucking superpower yep, and she heads out, and that's when that girl crashes through the Skylight and says, you're about to become compost.

This is rough.

This like it's not really her fault, but like she doesn't doesn't have the way with the quip of a Sarah Michelle Geller.

But also like the fight cooreo is tragic.

They little that they cared enough to try to make this fight look interesting is actually a little sexist.

Yeah.

So she fights Batgirl and winds up caught up in her own giant venus fly trap.

But not before she's like.

As I told missus Freeze before I killed her, I don't like when other women are in the picture. Yeah, and she's about to land what she thinks is like a devastating blow on back Girl, and then Backgirl like kicks her off and she lands into a venus fly trap.

Look, I don't like that. Can I be?

Can I just be a really big comic book nerd for one second? Yes, you're gonna be really annoyed in me, And I'm sorry advanced, No, I'm not.

No, I'm not do it.

Poison Ivy's power is that she controls plants. The Venus flytrap is under her control. That is the basis of her power set.

That is so stupid. They gave this so little thought.

Yes, just have back Girl kick her in the face and knock her out and then they they tie her up.

Honestly though, like, have mister freeze over here.

I know that's what's gonna happen later, but mac mister freeze over here that he killed that she killed his wife, and.

Have him freeze her. Yeah, you know what plants can't survive?

Is fucking frost yep?

Or is it has to be one of the like heroes. Have them use weed killer on.

Her, right, sure, have them get out a lawnmower, like what what if that? What if back Girl wrote it on like one of those little riding mowers or a weed whacker or or or like a leaf flower. Okay, So so back Girls on the lawnmower, Batman has a leaf blower and Robin has a weed whacker, and they're all going after points Ivy.

It's a blood bass. It's a chloroform bath.

Okay.

So the three heroes like all meet and at at one point they make poor Alicia Silverstone be like, Bruce, it's me Barbara, as if he doesn't recognize her, and he's like, oh, you know our secret identities, and she's like, it's time to go stop mister Freeze, and they all like run off right. We cut to the observatory. Freeze and tones, let's kick some ice and starts to freeze the city.

I'm starting to come around to these, but.

It's just because we've been recording so long.

When you say them, they're good, thank you, thank you.

Batman and company arrive and mister Freeze sees them coming, so he tells Bain to kill Robin and back girl, but leave the bat for me. Then Batman and his two friends arrive at like the control center for this telescope. Bain and mister Freeze are nowhere to be found. Suddenly don't know what happened with them. He sets some heaters on the two scientists, who have absolutely been encased in ice longer than the eleven minutes that this movie arbitrarily decided a human can survive this treatment.

But whatever, they're fine. He unfreezes the two scientists.

Despite unfreezing the two scientists, it's still the heroes that come up with the idea of using the satellites connected to the telescope to reflect the sunlight from the other side of the Earth.

To thaw Gotham in eleven minutes.

Yep.

Unfortunately, mister Freeze is tired of letting them just stand around and come up with ways to foil his plan, so he appears and he attacks. He knocks the two Beta heroes out the window and he takes on Batman.

Batman grapples with mister Freeze, both of them trying to reset the telescope in time. Meanwhile, Baine attacks Robin and back Girl. They're struggling because Bain is superhuman. He can He's feet the strength of a thousand men and leads to our teenagers and they're like, oh, we're losing. And then all of a sudden, Robin.

Goes, hey, what about the hose? What about the hose in the back of his helmet tee?

And one of them, I think is Batgirl, like kicks it out and literally, like an exhaust pipe just comes out like like nothing, huh, from the back of Bain's head and just starts to spew like exhaust in the air, and Bane.

Deflates back to his original size.

Yeah, this was so fucking stupid.

Meanwhile, Batman manages to attach one of his heaters to Freeze's suit and knock him down, and then Batman resets the satellites and beams sunlight into Gotham.

Batman's like, Haha, Freeze, I've got you now, but Freeze is like, like, hell you do. He sets off a series of bombs that he apparently set at some point, he destroys the telescope. The telescope falls out of the observatory. Those two scientists we talked about have been hanging on to the telescope for a while, providing comic relief. He saves the two scientists as the telescope crashes to the ground below.

Robin and Batgirl join.

Batman as they try to brainstorm away to thaw Gotham without the telescope. They could do it with just the satellites, but they need a computer genius. Luckily, in this scene, Barbara is one.

Thank god those satellite computers don't have a pass code. Cut to her going Sun, Moon.

Stars, planet light, NASA.

NASA one, NASA one two, who NASA one two three password password It was password.

So Barbara reprograms the satellites and thaws the city and Gotham is saved.

Batman goes to collect mister Freeze and shows him a video a close up video a Poison Ivy confessing to the murder of Nora Freeze.

That confession happened during her fight with Backgirl.

Uh huh.

What part of Backgirl's outfit is A is a body cam that he has access to. I don't like any of this. I don't like any of this for anyone. This is inappropriate.

Thata girl, do not go to the bathroom while you're wearing that outfit.

So okay, So anyway, Poison Ivy confesses to the murder missus Freese.

Good news.

Batman then tells mister Freeze, I saved your wife. We found her, we restored her to suspended animation, and we want to help you.

Save her your wife as well.

Yep.

Batman then asks Freeze to help him cure stage one of McGregor syndrome, and he's like, there's someone that I care about deeply who has the same illness and I need to save them.

Please help me, And mister Freeze just carries it on his person apparently at all times.

Maybe it's one of those medications that has to stay cold and the easiest way to do is.

To keep it with him.

Yeah, it's like the zempic he on him.

He grabs two, like, I mean, it looks like canisters. Is like that icy blue gatorade?

Yeah, uh huh.

Why Bruce even thinks this is actually a cure and just gives it to Alfred, I will never.

Know, but he does. We cut to Arkham.

Poison Ivy has been imprisoned in the same cell as mister Freeze.

He walks in.

He's still in his cryo suit because Bruce said, we're gonna bring your wife to you. You can do all of your work in Arkham, and he's perfectly happy with that. That's all he wants to do. He promises to make her life a living hell Erica. Why did he not say you don't have a snowballs chance in cell?

Oh?

Come on, come on, you really should write these movies.

We cut to Wayne Manor.

The team administers the cure to Alfred waits two days, absolutely trashes the place, doesn't do a dish, doesn't pick up a broom.

That house must smell like a fucking pig side at the time. Alfred wakes up from his coma and it's like, oh, so you want me to clean all of this?

Yeah?

Cool, cool, You're cool.

Alfred wakes up with a full recovery. Barbara officially joins the team, and Alfred says, we're going to need a bigger cave. That's the that's the that's the kicker. That's the line that we.

Went out on.

Yeah, and then guess what. High five everyone, We're making a fifth one of these.

We nailed it.

No fucking noise.

That is the end of Batman and Robin. So everyone stick around.

We will come right back after these messages with all of our random observations and final rankings.

And we're back.

Erica.

I have just one question for you. Do you think when mister Freese has sex, he says, that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Ha ha. You will feel numb at first, but he's normal. Let's talk about mister Freeze for sex.

Okay, okay, So the logic of mister Freeze, and I know looking for logic in this movie is a fool's errand, but I did it anyway.

The logic of mister Freeze is he has to stay at ice cold temperatures at all times or else he dies.

Correct.

So when he goes back to his layer, which is in an ice cream factory, he takes off the suit that keeps him alive out in the world, and then as his outfit of choice, puts on a like thick quilted smoking jacket. Uh huh, with like a with like a cravat, I think, or Meg maybe making that part up because it's what I want. And fuzzy slippers, Paul, this is not the outfit of a man who has to stay cold.

No, he should be bare ass naked, Arnold Schwartzenegger should be hanging down or in that suit period.

End of story.

He should be wearing a caftan from the Kathy Lee Gifford collection.

Speaking of mister Freeze, I did cut out this one scene because it doesn't really matter to the plot. But there's one point where it cuts back to him and he's watching his wedding video and crying, and I'm like, this is too much, Like I don't need to feel bad for mister Freese.

This is a lot a lot.

Agree agreed, Like the movie went hard. I'm like, Okay, we get it. He's not a bad bad guy. Yeah, yeah, uh again with mister Freese.

There's a scene. There's a few of these, but there's one there. It's really obvious he has frozen over. I think it's poison Ivy's layer. And the cops are being flung down a spiral staircase as they're being defeated by mister Freeze's henchman. All every single one of those extras hits the icicles on their way down, and you can see that these icicles.

Are just like I don't even think they're made of rubber.

Yeah, it bounces away from them and moves right back into space.

Place like just could not look cheaper.

It looked.

They look like just cheap plastic, like something you would decorate your house with for Christmas that you got it like the local party city for no more than two dollars for no more.

But I obviously think it's inflated because they the way they.

Pop out and pop back into the spot. I'm like, you have so much money. This movie costs like two hundred million dollars.

My favorite one of those is there at the end when they freeze all of Gotham. They freeze one of the police cars with the doors opened, and they like they come. I don't remember what happens, but they hit it and it's like they so easily could have just reshot the shot like it like nothing crucial was happening, like it just and it just looks like a like a saloon door.

Swinging back and forth, Like that's not how Ice moves.

I know.

We talked about where Batman and Rober are getting all their costumes. We talked a little bit about mister Freeze is getting his costumes. I want to circle back to our favorite character in the movie, Poison Ivy, whose main costume is kind of very generic green tights leotard with kind of a leaf motif on it, but she also has time to a constantly be getting her hair in larger and larger and larger buns on her head. She has a multiple different eyebrow like a mask pieces that

Oh fuck, I missed it, it is, and then I want to see it.

It's enormous. It looks like she skinned Fozzy bear dyed it green. And now that's the coat that she's wearing.

Oh, I bet it looks fucking fabulous.

Oh all, by the way, all of this is fabulous, all of it, all of it.

All right.

I'm gonna get into my Poison Ivy section of the of maruting observations because I have like, she's so goddamn good. There's there's a couple of lines that I love. There's one where she she she jumps on top of its either Batman or Robin, I'm not sure, and she's she like hers in his face and she says there's something about an anatomically correct rubber suit that puts fire in a girl's lips.

Excellent, And I'm like, okay, so the movie.

Knows what it's doing, just understands the anatomically correct part of the suit. Like it's so funny.

Uh, speaking of lines, this is not from Poison IVY. It's about Poison Ivy. In that brief moment when both Batman and Robin are not affected by her pheromones and they're realizing she's a bad guy, They're like, we are absolutely one hundred percent over her moment of silence, and then George Clooney goes great stems though, and and crist o'naland goes buds too, and yeah those were nice.

When you give these two like a little bit of a riff, they're not bad. I only have one more too, And speaking this this, this is one of those lines. It's supposed to be sexy.

And I'm like, what was just said?

In this children's movie Robin goes up to goes up to a poison ivy when she's like in her layer at the end and he's like over her, he's not into her anymore, but he's he's trying to be sexy, I guess, and like goes.

Is your thumb the only part of you that's green? What? I'm sorry, what are you asking? What are you asking?

Did this line? Walk?

So?

Is your pussy green? From Wicked Could Run?

He's asking you for pussy? Is green?

Right?

That's what he's asking. He's acting, is your pussy fertile? And is it second? Does it have a biodome?

Yeah? What is that line?

And like, how is that a line that made the final cut of this movie?

Yeah, you are not allowed to ask a woman of what color her pussy is You're just not I'm sorry, that's not cool Erica.

How are we going to rank Batman and Robin.

One to ten? Orphans that just flock to Alfred.

Like like like stray cats to a fishmonger.

Yeah, yeah, like seagulls to a hot dog stand.

One to ten Arnold Schwarzenegger cabaret numbers like like, she's cold as ice, willing to sacrifice your love, one.

Two, three, she's a cold hearted snake.

Oh look in the eyes. Oh she's been telling lies.

That actually does apply to poisoner.

Let it go, Let it go, can't hold it back any more. I bet he can hit that note of the oh completely.

But the sky is a hazy shade off winter. The idea that anyone would do a cabaret to the song hazy shade of Winter.

Yeah, it's excellent and it means that somewhere someone did.

Simon and Garfunkle doesn't scream cabaret to me to begin.

With, but also like, like that song, you're gonna do the Bengals cover of it?

Fair enough? Fair enough? How about one to ten ice cream based superheroes?

Oh, oh, you don't want to tip into Rocky Road because then then then you become a seer and all you see are the bad things are going to happen to everybody in the future.

That's bad.

That's a rocky fucking road.

Yeah, you do not want to fuck with strawberries and cream because they will give you a very light sunburn, not so much that you're actually in trouble, but just enough that your skin itches all the time.

Yeah, so it's it's an annoying thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't.

You don't if you're Chris o'donald, you don't want to tip over into black raspberry, because then you're going to be in the blonde venus situation. Cultural appropriation of the highest order.

Uh oh yeah, and.

Then you're gonna run into cookie dough and they will just give you samonilla.

Right uncooked cookie dough, which, to be clear, I've eaten my entire life and have never gotten salmonella from never got not yet once, not yet, not yet.

Your move cookie out.

How about one to ten queer subtexts and dom texts.

Yeah, subtext is actually domb text.

Uh huh huh.

Joel Schumacher, you freak, you freaking freak.

I love you, I love you, you freak, don't ever change.

Let's do that one.

Let's I feel like it celebrates the actual Like, yeah, it celebrates the film.

Yeah, absolutely? Do you want to go first? Or shall I go first?

I'll go first on this one.

Okay.

Genuinely, I've never seen a movie before and been like, how much of this is intentional? And how much of this is like a collective subconscious coming out ye, like of a of a I don't know a Kiva Goldsmith's like or Goldsman's identity, I don't know what his preferences are, but like Joel Schumacher is a gay man, and like the production design, there's gotta been a lot of gay gay energy in the space when they were creating the film, and they were like, oh, but what if.

We make it like Metropolis and then bring in blonde Venus like the brainstorm that turned into the biggest like queer baiting of all times. I'm not mad at it at all. It's just so interesting and also what if it's not? What if it is fully intentional?

And and like Joel Schumacher's like, how about if I create a comic book world that's like sexy and like, yeah, but my interpretation of sexy, which is a gay man's interpretation of sexy, and like and like, yeah, it's for kids, and yeah, we're here to sell toys, but also like, let's make this adult. Batman Returns is so sexy, like all the Catwoman stuff is so so sexy. And so it was almost like Joel Schumacher's like, I want to go back to that and do like a sexy Batman.

And then he was like, but how about we queer this up a bit. I want to believe that that was an intentional choice. And then it's fucking awesome and like subversive because it's so in your face, it's so there. Yeah, now this is a good movie, Paul.

No, no, it's not even a little bit of a great it's an uma thermon of a good movie.

It's an uma thermon of a good movie. Yeah, it's like it's entertaining, it's not boring at all. It's so fucking weird, so it's worth watching, but it's it's it's bad. And also it doesn't age super well because there is like some racism in the middle that there. It's like unintentional, like I think because they're referencing a movie.

That's so racist. They accidentally like fell into it. I came around.

I was fine with being being a Mexican like serial killer, like that might rub other people the wrong way, fair, sure, but and I but I came around.

To it once they made him with luchato it and I was like why not. And there's not too many people of color in the film, especially given it's nineteen ninety seven, Like, yeah, you could do better. I'm gonna give it a three.

Okay, I'm gonna.

Give it a three because unintentional or not, there's a lot of queer subjects in this movie and I'm always here for that, and I love that. And obviously you can talk far far more about that than I can. But like, yeah, it's it does fall flat on its face in other ways. Yeah, and like the one scene where the two women in the movie talk to each other is not fantastic.

So yeah, I'll give it a three. How about you?

Yeah, I think I think the big scene at the gala is it was the one surprising moment for me as far as like, oh, that doesn't age well at all. I did not get the the blonde Venus reference. I didn't know they were referencing something specific. The whole the whole smell of that scene was bad. I think the queer subtext is a lot of fun. I can't imagine that he didn't know at least somewhat of what he was doing, and I I don't think he ever talked about it.

I read.

I read a couple of different like quotes from him. He never was like I couldn't believe to the studio, let me get away with this. But like I could see him saying that and be like, oh, yeah, I was gonna put nipples in the batsuit. And then it came back and they didn't take the nipples off. So I was like, well, okay, like something like that I would have expected, But he never says anything like that.

Yeah, I could find it.

By the way, I'm googling to see what the val Kilmer one had nipples.

Oh, good question, good question.

Apparently the Kilmer one also had nipples.

Okay, so this is this, This is the second suit with nipples, maybe the first ass jiggling, and definitely the first Uma Thurman, who was the gayest thing in this movie. It's kind of like these like quote unquote feminist lines that they're putting in Alicia Silverstone's mouth are really clunky, they're really first thought. It feels a little bit like that that moment in the Marvel movies where they try to give like a go girl moment at the end, and you're like, yeah, but you haven't given any of

In nineteen ninety seven, but it has aged to.

A point now where it feels performative because what she is saying is so basic. I'm going to agree with you. I'm gonna give it a three. I'm gonna give it a three out of ten. Queer subtexts and dom texts. I enjoyed it more than a three. If you truly watching them with Therman in this movie is a good time,

It's weird because I'm wondering if they were trying to achieve camp, and when you try to achieve camp, it doesn't work, right. Maybe that's what they were trying to do, because like the og like Adam West Batman, that's so camp, that's camp. Yeah, it's one thousand and I think they were trying to go back to that, but you can't force it.

Yeah, so maybe maybe my palate cleanser is a better is a better camp movie?

Better camp movie? That Adam West Batman film from the sixties is so good and it's got all three of the major villains in it. It's got Robin and it's it's so cheesy and cheap and like it's so good.

Yeah. My thought is, can't stop the music. That's a better camp, that's a better camp.

Oh that's a great camp movie.

Yeah.

Yeah, Rocky Horror Picture Show. Absolutely we want something and that's also kind of sexy.

Yeah.

All right, Erica, that is the end of our show. Everyone listening here can follow us. On social media. We are on Blue Sky, we are on Threads. We are on Instagram, which is the only platform where we accept requests specifically on our monthly themes. We have a tea public shop, and we would love it if you would leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts or any podcasting platform that you use. If you do that, just like locutus Borg and TC Magnaw from the top of

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I would hope no one would ask for that.

Yeah, fingers crossed given the premise of this podcast.

Yeah, thanks, Yeah, someone who listens to us would be like, yeah, that's probably not appropriate.

Yeah, they're probably not gonna do that.

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Yeah, all right, Erica, any final thoughts on Batman and Robin ice cream? You scream, We all scream for ice cream.

I actually thought you were going into she loves me ice cream? He bought me ice cream?

Ice cream.

Imagine that perfect song from Mister Freeze's cabaret.

Absolutely.

Sometimes you know, little, little little you know what right I.

Was gonna say something, So you're gonna say something so disgusting even you won't say it on this podcast.

You know what, girl, Take it back, Take it it's we're recording this on a Sunday. It's the Lord's Day.