When life gives you lemons

Apodjee Production.

Hi, my name's beck Woodbine and welcome to Tenderness for Nurses.

I'm grateful for the person that I have the opportunity to be.

So I hit it and parked it for Nelly four years. We always have free will, We always get to choose.

We are autonomous. Hi everyone, thank you so much for tuning in too Tenderness for Nurses. Today, I have the beautiful Kayla who is coming to me all the way from Whistler in Canada to chat about her journey to date. And you have your own podcast. Do you want to tell us a little bit about that?

I do so.

My friend Ash and I just launched a podcasts called Just Life and Lemons. So was a little bit of a passion project that was stemmed from, I guess, the journey that the two of us had been through and the loss and the grief that we'd faced. And here we came together and we thought we would try and do something positive with the lemons. And yeah, now Just Life and Lemons has been born.

So your journey has been tarnished with some great sadness and some great joy. Do you want to share what you've been through?

Sure?

So I guess it all started back my partner and I, Sean had just returned back from a trip overseas.

He just turned thirty. We did the trip of a lifetime to South Africa.

We did the Safari and we came back and it was quite a funny story to start with. I was like, I've got this holiday bloat. I was like, how much weight have you put on from this holiday? And he goes, I don't know, like five hundred grands and I was like, okay, something's not right here. I was like, I put on five kilos and for me five kilos was a lot. I never fluctuated weight. And I said to him, Okay,

He's like, what are you talking about, Like, don't buy one of those. So I did.

I bought one, brought at home, showed it to him, and I just remember him closing his laptop lid and he's like, this is a joke, Like you're kidding, and I was like, I'm not kidding, and he was just such a serious one. He did not believe me. He went to the back to the shops and bought another pack of like six tests, came home, made me pee on six tests and I was like, see positive, positive, positive, and he's like, okay, but don't get your hopes up yet.

You don't know.

We went to the doctors and they were like, yes, Kaylie, you're pregnant. There is no doubt about it. You don't get that many false positives. So yeah, we went to the hospital. We found out we were pregnant. We were three months along already. I had no idea whatsoever.

So it was great.

We were at the point where we could tell everybody. So we shared this great news. And then a few weeks later, Sean had been suffering with pain in his rib right under the rib cage, which was a bit peculiar, and it had been there for a couple of weeks, and you know, typical males, no, no, no.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

And I said, nope, go to the doctor, just go get checked out. So he went one day after work and the doctor kind of said to him, oh, no, you've you've probably just pulled something at the gym.

Either that or you've got cancer.

Hah.

You know, he's like, go home, take neurophan and you know, neuropin fixes everything. And he came home and told me and I was like, okay, like interesting, and I think since that you learn that, you know, some people give you these diagnoses and people just go with it, you know, they run with it and they're like, oh yeah, cool, the doctor doesn't fine, no problem. Anyway, the pain didn't go away.

We were another.

Weekend and I said, you need to go back, and you need to tell him it's not going and it kind of got worse and better and worse and better, but it was constantly there. So he went back and he was a bit more forceful this time. He's like, nope, something's wrong. I know my body. And they sent him to the hospital to have CT scans and we got a phone call.

It probably seven o'clock one night.

And when you get a phone call that late from a doctor, you know that something's not good.

It's not it's not good news.

And I just remember him being out on the balcony and he came back in and he just looked white as a sheep, and I was like, what's wrong and he goes, they think I have cancer, and like we were just shocked. We were just stunned. I was like, what do you mean cancer? And they're like, the pain is tumors. There's tumors growing inside of me. And I was like, what, you know, you don't expect a thirty year old to have cancer.

You know, it's just not heard of.

So we were a bit shocked. We didn't really know what it was. We didn't really know anything. You know, you try not to sit on Google and google all the symptoms, and I guess the next kind of day, we went straight to the hospital and he spent ten days there and was getting tests and biopsies, and yeah, ten days later, they diagnosed him with appendix cancer.

You know what I mean. I'm a nurse. I've never heard of appendix cancer.

Me neither mean neither. And I was like, what is appendix cancer? Does that mean you have appendicitis?

Like? What God has happened? You know?

And they basically were like, you don't really know you have appendix cancer early. It's only when it's too late and it's progressed and it's you know, it's impacted your entire body. Is when you really find out you have appendix cancer unless you are, you know, proactively getting CT scans every year and which no thirty year old does. So he had appendix cancer. So then there he started chemo. The plan was that he would go on zelox chemo.

We go, you know, a day later to chemo.

So how many months pregnant were you?

I was three months pregnant.

We just found out and Shauan was diagnos was pretty much in the same month. So it was it was a lot. You know, we had this beautiful, little happy bubble that just burst, So it was a lot to digest. But I think it's such a blessing looking back because we had this beautiful little baby on the way to kind of keep us focused and keep us positive.

And it was a really beautiful distraction.

So yeah, Sean started chemo and he did his few rounds of chemo, and you know, we experienced the side effects and we adjusted to that, and then it was kind of just before Christmas in December, early December, we went back for his usual check in and the doctor turned around and was like, okay, we've canceled your surgery.

And she was like, what do you mean you've canceled surgery.

The plan was that, you know, they would try and shrink the mass and then they would go in and do his operation to remove it. And they like, this chemo is not responding and that's it. And we were like, okay, that's it. And they were like that's it, you know, like we can't do anymore for you. We'll do chemo and hope that it may be it shrinks, but that's kind of the end of the story.

And that really wasn't the end of the story for us.

We were like, well, what do you mean you know, there has to be another option, and they were like, oh, we can look for some you know, trials for you and clinical trials here, but you know, we don't really think you're going to fit any of them. So that's kind of it. And it was just like a stab in the guts. You know, you think you've got a plan and then they just ripped that away from you. And we're like, okay, well there has to be a plan b what now?

So we, you know, got back on Google and we're googling.

What to do, like help, you know, and we came across this professor down in Sydney, Professor Morris, and he takes on patients who are a little bit of too hard basket. He takes a chance on these patients. And we reached out to him, to his office, and they emailed back pretty fast, and we're like, okay, send us your scans, send us your X rays, your CT scans, your blood tests, you name it, send it.

We'll have a look.

So we sent everything through to them and they basically called Sean and they said, look, you need to come down and meet us. So we went down to Sydney to meet this doctor and his medical team and he basically looked at Sean's scans and we're like, we'll.

Give it a go.

And we were sitting in front of him, pleading and pleading and pleading a case. And I think it was you know, some part of me thinks it was because I was pregnant with this little baby, you know, that they were like, Okay, we'll give it a shot, you know. And then Max came along, and before we knew it,

And we kind of accepted it because it was our only chance.

I guess, if it was the only shot, he had to kind of overcome it, and you know, he was so brave. He just I've got this video of him and Max sitting on his lap and he's explaining the surgery to Max and he's like, then they cut you open here and then they take this out here and again, like such a bittersweet thing having a little newborn baby with us during that time. You know, that's not how

So, yeah, Sean had surgery.

I got a phone call about an hour in saying, Yep, we're going to give it a go.

There's a lot of cancer here, but we'll try our best. We'll call you when we're finished.

And you know, like I said, twelve hours later, I get the phone call and they're like, we're done. He's in ICU. Give us an hour and you can come and see him. They're like, just be prepared when you see him.

It's not pleasant. There's drains coming out of every angle.

He looks like he's been through the walls basically, And so we did. We went in and saw him, and it was early hours of the morning, and yeah, I don't think anything can really prepare you for seeing somebody in that state.

It's very confronting, isn't it.

Yeah, it was. It was a lot to deal with.

And we saw him, and I guess the plan was then to keep him in an induced coma for three days. They wanted him his body just to recover a little bit and then they would wake him up.

So it was like the longest three days of your life. You know. You go in, you're talking to him.

And you're seeing all these tubes in the Yeah, it was literally like he'd been through a war zone. And then three days later they woke him up, and you know, I just remember the first thing he said to me was hi, And I was like, Hi, is that it? Like I've been through three days of hell and you're telling me hi. You know, they were pretty happy. They were like, the surgery's gone really well. We've removed as

Yeah.

Very quickly, he basically couldn't take the pain anymore, and they raced him in to go and get an X ray, and they basically found he had a pericardal effusion and he had fluid now around him his heart, which was a side effect of this surgery that no one could ever predict happening. It was something that wasn't even on the list of all the things that could possibly go wrong. So they basically were like, we have to go and try and drain this. If we can't drain it, we

We were just like, well, what do you mean.

You know, he's just been to all this for now this to go wrong, and it at the time you just can't quite comprehend it, and you just waiting for a miracle. Anyway, So they prepped him for surgery and he went in and I guess that's where it all went terribly wrong. You know, he had the surgery, they removed the liquid. They were still monitoring it because it wasn't quite what they wanted it to be. And he was in a coma for close to a month. And it was the worst time of my life. You know,

And every day I'd go in there in the morning like can we wake him up?

Can we wake him up? And they're like, no, we can't wake him up. He's not ready. He's not ready, and I was just getting so frustrated. I was like, but I can see he needs to wake up now. Otherwise he's just going to be, you know, literally skin and bones when he wakes up. And they wouldn't and they kept going, and yeah, month later they decided that they would wake him up, and yeah, I guess that's when our whole life really started from the beginning again,

Taylor, how were you feeling at that stage other than yes, you were concerned about Sean, but you just had a baby.

Yeah.

I honestly, I think for me, I felt almost like I didn't have any reason to be sad or really thinking about myself because it was like, Okay, I have Sean to look after and I have Max to look after, and I just need to be that strong unit for both of them. And yeah, I was just more like, Okay, well what can I do for each of these people who need me right now? I need to get Sean

Just living in autopilot. You don't really know what you're doing.

Did you have family with you at that stage?

Yeah, we did.

We had both his and my family come and go that whole month that we were down there, and they were a great support system for both of us.

And did the hospital or the doctors you were dealing with recommend that you know, maybe you have a chat with someone, or did you just rely on family and friends to download how you feel, or you didn't even think about that. You just wanted to be with Sean or with Max and you could wait.

Yeah, I mean I think it was more of like I could wait.

It was more like, I'm not going to go and ask for help for myself, where this is not about me, this is about Sean.

I don't know, I've always been kind of one to bottle it in.

You know, I don't really show the feelings and I don't really show the emotion, which it definitely is caught up to me all these years later. It's been five years now since I lost Sean, and I think it was at the beginning of twenty twenty four that it all just hit me.

Like a ton of bricks.

You know, you can only run on autopilot for so long, you can only keep yourself so busy for so long, and then it, yeah, you completely.

Hit the wall.

And what happened then?

I think what.

Happened then is, you know, I didn't have this complete psychotic meltdown. It was more just I would think I woke up one day and I was like, what am I doing? Like, I've just filled my days and a great days with Max. You know, we did things on the weekend, were always out, we were always busy, like We've got some great memories from the last few years. But I was like, but what am I doing now? You know, what is making me happy? I'm at work full time, I'm just busy. I'm out the house all

But doesn't mean that you're happy.

You know, you have everything and what seems to be the picture perfect life on paper, but it doesn't mean you're happy. I had this huge void in my life that I was just trying to fill with distraction. And again, you can only do that for so long.

So I guess that's what really prompted the move to Canada. You know, here we are. It was always a dream of short and eyes to come back here.

He lived here for quite a few years and we always talked about going back together, and we were big travelers and we explored the world, and we kind of got to a point where I was like, you know what, I can do it. Why can't I? I can still do this. I can take MACS, I can apply for a visa. And you know, a few people call me crazy and that I was having a bit of a midlife crisis, but I mean I probably am, but you know,

And I was like, I love my life. I have a great life.

I'm not going to say I don't, but I needed to do something because it wasn't filling those needs then and.

There, So what are you doing over in Whistler.

I'm working again.

I kind of I needed to make sure the life here was different to what I had at home, and it certainly is. You know, we've only been here three months and we've definitely slowed things down a lot. You know, I'm only working part time now, I'm taking Max to school, I'm picking him up from school every day. There's just so much more quality time, you know. I think after this whole journey, I've realized life is so short and a nine to five, chaotic job is.

Just not for me anymore.

Do you have any family or supporting Canada? Like, did you just move there? Find a place go? I'm just going to give this a crack.

Yeah.

I do have a few friends here who were friends with Sean when he lived here.

They've been amazing to help me out. But yeah, I'm pretty alone.

And have you joined any community groups? I mean, I'm sure you'll meet some moms with KINDI or school whatever Max is at now. Have you found people who have been really open and welcoming to Canadians? Are beautiful people? Oh?

Amazing? You know, there's I've met a.

Lot of great mums at the school, a lot of people at work. You know, people are so friendly here. People be like you know, I can pick Max up from school if you ever need. I'm like, wait, what you know, I don't even know you, Like you're a complete stranger. And they're like, no, no, no, Like none of us have family here. We all you know that we call everyone orphans here. You know, no one has family.

And it's been great.

After Sean passed, was everything initially just a blur? You just popped your head down, you know, you did what you had to do with funeral, those sort of things. Did you just really focus then in on yourself and Max or you just tried to keep doing what you'd been doing leading into everything that had happened, and just try and keep life as normal as possible, because I mean everything changed for you in a second.

Really, yeah it did.

And I guess when Sean died, you know, I everyone grieves differently, and I don't really know if I grieved the right way. But I went straight back to work the next week. I was like, I have to go back, I have to keep busy. I went straight into that path of I'm going to fill every second of every day.

Then I don't have to be sad, I don't have to think about it.

And so that's what I did, you know, for quite a few years. And we had just bought our house that we were living in, and you know, we didn't even have furniture. So if there was a blessing, it was the fact that Max and my new life had really just started. So the routines weren't there yet. We hadn't created memories in this house yet. It was kind

None of that had started yet in this new house.

So in a way that was a blessing if you want to try and find a positive in the situation. You know, we had this beautiful house that we were meant to live in and build a family together.

But in a way, it was like a fresh start for Max and I.

So I didn't have that torture every day of Okay, this is where Sean put his clothes, and this is where how Sean cooked, I had no memories there, so it.

Was completely starting again.

And then a few months after Sean died, COVID happened, so there was no normal for a very long time because we obviously then went into COVID and lockdowns, and I was still working because I was still considered an essential worker, so it was just navigating the way of COVID, and then I guess that's when we had to kind of get into a normal routine after that.

Kayler, what work do you do?

I've always been in hotels, hotel operations, and then I got a job in operations in real estate office.

So yes, very busy, very all over the place.

And that's what you've gone into over in Canada.

No, it's not, I've changed everything.

I now work as part of a sales team at the conference center, so we were like a not for profit and we try and.

Bring big groups to Whistler and it's different.

It's much slower pace and great people and it's a nice change.

On your podcast, you said you and Ash admit through like a Facebook website group for grieving partners the widows. Yeah, was that a huge help for you?

I think there is a really strange comfort in connecting yourself with people who have been through something similar. So, if anything, it was probably that because again, you see yourself thirty with cancer.

Who the heck is thirty with cancer? I don't know anybody.

And then it's like I'm this young single now mother with a baby.

And I'm a widow.

You know, it's like where am I going to find another one of those? And I joined this group while it was quite new early days, and I think there's now over like one hundred and fifty girls in it around Brisbane and the Gold Coast, and it's been a strange comfort knowing that there's other people in that same situation. And there's definitely people in the group that you connect with more than others. You know, there's people who are grieving differently to you, and there's some people.

You just don't connect with at all.

But yeah, I've met some really great people through that, and I think now like some lifelong friends that I.

Will have forever. I think that's so wonderful. And then your life journeys together will segue in such interesting ways that you can share, grow help others. And I'm assuming that's why you started the podcast.

It is you know, I think for Ash and I we obviously had history we worked together all those years ago that we didn't even know about, and I think for us, it was actually more of the connection with the kids. You know, She's got triplets and I've got Max, and the first time we ever met them, you know, complete strangers. Max was like, these are my triplets, and it was just that bond.

Between the kids.

It's like they instantly knew each other, they instantly felt connected, and I guess for us, we were like, wow, like these kids are going to grow up together with that missing person.

In their lives.

You know, it's different, but it's the same, and I guess there's not a lot of kids that will have to experience that, so that was quite special. And then I think the whole podcast was really born out of the fact that we have been through such horrific journeys. You know, hers and mine stories are very different, but they're both journeys in their own right. And I think for me, I said to Ashle's like, I really want to do something with this pain and this story that

Day to day life. And I don't go around being like, oh, here you want to hear my story.

But when you meet someone you and you start talking with and you build this relationship and I always get the question, where's Max's dad? You know, it comes out all the time, and then eventually you do have to sit, you know, and tell them, and it makes you.

Feel very proud to share it.

But it also I think really helps people because they are like gives them a little bit of perspective, you know, in their own lives, and they're like, Okay, hey, wow, I thought I was having a bad week, but I'm good.

You know, I'm really really good.

Or you know, you've just given me a new way of thinking about a certain situation based on what you've been through. So it doesn't have to always connect, but I think it can connect in some way, shape or form to somebody else. So I remember saying to Ash I met her only a few times, and I said, right, I want to do something. Let's do this podcast. I've got an idea. I'd already done like a business plan for it. She's like, there is no way in this

Isn't that a nice feeling. I feel the same way with casting and helping people and the questions I get asked and podcasts I've been approached to talk about. And you know, when I started this, I remember saying to Katie, who's both of our producer, saying, I just want to help one person. That's it. One person, and it's grown from there. I'm up to season seven. Wow, congratulations, you know, and that will be you guys, you know, Yeah, and exciting.

And yeah, so I guess that's why we've used the lemons, you know, because everyone has lemons in their lives. Things go wrong all the time. We know, small things, big things, you name it, things go wrong. So I think the use of the word lemon it fits all shapes and sizes it does.

It's actually a great name.

Thank you.

Will you be back in Brisbane at any stage? Do you think I will be? You will? So you gave yourself a timeframe and yeah.

I mean we're on a v so we've said twelve months. We'll give it a good crap for twelve months, and yeah, we'll go from there. I'm trying not to think too far in the future, because who knows what the future has in store.

You know, it's really interesting. I heard Elizabeth Gilbert speak from Eat, Pray, Love, and her whole talk was about being present, that yes, you do have to look to the future. There are things you want to think about in the past, but we've got to start being present. And the way she talked about being present and you know, yes, there are things you need to have in the future to look forward to, but we're so busy thinking about our mistakes trying to change the future, that we're forgetting

Yeah, And I guess that's the sole purpose of moving it is. You know, I'm like, let's get rid of the distractions, let's get rid of the house, Let's get rid of all of it, you know, and live in the moment with Max, And we're just doing a day at a time, and it feels good.

I love it. I think it's fantastic. Was actually curious as to why you were there. I thought that maybe you had a lot of family in Canada. Although I think things are going to get more expensive, aren't they.

With the I wish I had family here because it's very expensive.

And only going to get more expensive. Unfortunately with everything that's happening in America. Sure is not.

Good, but no, I'm hoping it's something that Max can look back on one day and say, wow, like I had a cool mum.

You know, we moved to Canada.

I learned to snowboard, he started doing jiu jitsu, you know, just those little things.

How old is Max now?

He's six now.

Oh my goodness. And you would talk about Sean with him every day.

Every day, you know.

And he's obviously very aware of that his dad is not here, but he has his story, you know. He's like, my daddy got sick and the doctors couldn't make him better, and it's quite special. He says, my daddy's on the moon, so you know, the moon follows us around wherever we are, and he's like, oh, there's daddy. You know. We've had some pretty remarkable views here of the mountains and the moon and it feels quite very special.

That's so beautiful. If you had any advice to any young mum that's gone through what you've gone through, what would it be.

Probably that there's no right or wrong way of doing anything, you know. I think you've got to just go with the punches and feel as you need to feel along the way, and don't beat yourself up if you haven't felt things the way people tell you should feel, and don't be afraid to be selfish once in a while and put yourself first.

Eventually.

An interesting point is my brother and all passed away and it's just been twelve months and he was in his fifties last year. And it's interesting how people have this assumption of how Jane, which is my husband's wife, should grieve and timeframes. Yeah, And I don't know if that's a real Australian thing or just something in general, but it's like, well, got to get on with life or yeah. And to me, grief is so personal and such a journey. I mean, you're going to be on this journey forever.

I will be on this journey forever, and it's not going to get any easier.

It's just going to be different, you know.

And Ash and I actually do do a podcast episode about the stages of grief and how bullshit we think they are because you know, the people there's this you know, chain of events if you should feel this, then this, then this and this, and I just personally don't agree with them because I was like, there's some stages I maybe haven't had yet. And it's been five years, you know, there's some stages I just don't agree with, Like when are you going to ever be accepting of the situation?

Never?

Never, going to accept the fact that Sean's not here and that you know his child has no father, and you know that we didn't get to do this and we didn't get to do that.

I'm never going to accept that.

And I don't blame you because I think it's a crocerdshit too. Personally, I think everyone grieves in their own way, as long as it doesn't become all encompassing so that you can't live life. Then I think you need some help with your grief. Yeah, but you know, we are allowed to grieve. And you know, I remember my Nan. She lost her son in a terrible boating accident. She grieved him till the day she died. And she was

Yeah, And it's learning to live with that.

And I think one of the biggest little I guess quotes that I have and I share it with Max, is we're learning to live with the love he left behind.

That's nice.

No, it's a special one, and I feel that all the time. You know, I'm so blessed to have literally a mini Sean. He is his father's child. To the tea running around, you know, it's so special. And the friends that we have, and it's like Sean and I created that and he's left that behind.

For us, And what an amazing gift. I think it's beautiful. Thank you, Kaylor, thank you for chatting with me today. I appreciate it so much. Have an amazing time in Canada.

Thank you.

I will get him up on those skis and we'll have an Astralian Olympic skier.

Yeah.

We told someone today. Someone was like, oh, so you better at the mummy at snowboarding. He goes, yeah, I'm way faster. He's had four like him, so he thinks he's a professional.

And you know what, he probably will be, because I mean, lord knows, I was a hopeless snowboarder, but I love skiing.

Yeah, I have no doubt about it. He's got the confidence. So give him a few more lessons and he'll.

Be whizzing past me.

Oh my god, aren't they amazing those kids? I'll tell you, thank you, Taylor. I appreciate this so much Darling, thank you so much,