1 thing you can do today to be happier | Sonja Lyubomirsky

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Elise Hugh. It might be one of humanity's most sought after emotions happiness. And yet the journey toward this universally shared. can often feel out of reach. In her talk, happiness scientist Sonia Lubomirsky shares her number one hack for unlocking the potential for happiness within And hint, it actually has a lot more to do with others than we might think. Afterward, I sat down with Sonia to get beyond her talk. Stick around after our conversation.

I'm a happiness scientist, and I've been a happiness scientist for 36 years. For my entire professional career, I've been obsessed with learning the secrets to being a happy person. With trying to answer the question, can anyone become happier? Now how do we even study something like that? Well in nineteen ninety eight my lab pioneered what we call happiness interventions.

Happiness interventions are experiments with human participants. Over the years, we've done dozens of these experiments, testing whether practices like expressing gratitude or doing acts of kindness. Or simply acting like an extrovert made people happier. And they do under the right conditions.

My students and I spent decades doing these experiments. This work made my career. And yet I realized that I hadn't really been listening to what the data were trying to tell me. And then it finally clicked. It dawned on me that almost all of the interventions that work to make us happier, they work precisely because they help us feel more connected to and loved by others. So writing a gratitude letter to my mom makes me feel uh more loved by her and doing an act of kindness for my

Colleague makes me feel closer to him. In other words, what I learned is that to be a better happiness scientist, I had to become a love scientist. Because as it turns out, the key to happiness. is feeling connected and loved. And I know that sounds like a cliche, but many powerful ideas do once you distill them. The real challenge and opportunity is how to put it into practice. So then how do we connect?

Well, we could connect through touch or dance or eye contact, but let's face it, in Western culture, in many cultures actually, we mostly connect by talking. Yet here's the problem with our social world today. Even when we're talking, we all have walls around us. There are walls around our friends, colleagues, neighbors, even family. We build those walls to protect ourselves. Yet they also keep us from ever really letting anyone in. They keep us from becoming truly known.

So this is literally my number one happiness tip. The one thing I wish everybody knew, we will feel more loved if we become more known. If we learn to talk to people in a way that takes down the walls between us. The secret is super simple, yet I think massively profound. If you do one thing today to be happier, let it be this. Approach your next conversation differently from what you've done before. First by sharing from the heart.

You take down your walls by sharing something real about yourself, not just your highlight reel, whether with your best friend, colleague, or first date. Be brave enough to let others see the real you. Here's a simple practice start small. Pacing is really important.

So don't immediately share your deepest secret or trauma. If you go deep too fast, everyone's walls will come right back up again. Instead in the beginning, maybe say something honest, like, I've had a rough day, instead of I'm fine. Recent studies show that people will like you more when the conversation is deeper as opposed to shallower. Two, you d you help the other person lower their walls when you listen to them in order to learn not to respond. Quiet your voice so theirs could be heard.

So during your next conversation, instead of mentally rehearsing your story, try to listen like there's gonna be a quiz tomorrow. Furthermore, ask one more question that you'd normally ask, like, how did that really feel? Such questions signal that you're right there with them. When was the last time someone asked you a real question about your life? It's rare, yet research shows that people yearn to be asked, and those who ask questions are better like.

And yet you've probably all had this experience. Someone talks at you for an hour, tells you their whole life story, then walks away knowing nothing about you. Am I right? That's not what I meant. Sharing and listening hold hands. If you only share, it's a monologue. If you only listen, it's an interview. But when you do both, that's when the magic happens. That's it. It's really that simple.

By sharing a little more and listening a little deeper, all of us can learn to take the walls down. If we do, we'll know one another better, we'll feel more loved, and we'll help the people in our lives. Thank you. Don't go away just yet. My conversation with Sonia is coming right up. I sat down with Sonia to learn more about her approach to being happy, how things like social media have an impact on our ability to be happy, and so much more.

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Well, for those who might be learning about your work for the first time, tell us a little bit about your background and what initially sparked your interest in researching happiness in the first place. Well, I've been a happiness scientist for thirty six years, so a long time. And it was really serendipitous how it all started. Actually today I'm at the I'm on the Stanford campus. Coincidentally, this is where it all started. Back in the fall of nineteen eighty nine I

This is where I started my PhD program in social psychology and I the very first day of my program I met with my new advisor. His name is Lee Ross, and he was the world's like leading expert on conflict and negotiation. Seems like it not has nothing to do with happiness, maybe the opposite of happiness. And we took a l a walk around campus and and one of us asked, and I'm pretty sure it was him, what is the secret to happiness? And why are some people happier than others? And that's how

It started so back in nineteen eighty nine there really was no field of happiness. Ed Deaner, who's the really the founder of the science of happiness, he actually didn't even call it happiness, he called it subjective well being. So there's really only one scientist back then studying happiness. I'm glad you brought up The concept or the term happiness itself, because it is so commonly used that it's almost overused.

What does happiness actually mean to you? There's a great question to start with. I define happiness the way that researchers define happiness, which is that it really has two components. And the first component is people who are happy often experience positive emotions. And that could be tranquility, enthusiasm, joy, serenity,

Pride, curiosity. So depending on the person, depending on the situation. Happy people experience more positive emotions doesn't mean they experience them all the time. Of course, negative emotions can be adaptive and functional under certain circumstances. So that's one component. The other component is having a sense that your life is good, that you're satisfied with your life, that you're progressing towards your life goals at a good pace.

So those are the two components. I call them being happy in your life and being happy with your life. You kind of need both of those to be a truly happy person. Right. In your talk, there's a line where you say you hadn't been listening to what the data were trying to tell you. What was the data trying to tell you? How did you realize that you weren't listening? After decades of doing this, we realized that almost all of the interventions that work to make us happier, the reason they work.

is that they make us feel more connected to or loved by others, right? So when I write a gratitude letter to my mom, I feel loved by her, right? I feel more loved by her. When I do an act of kindness for a friend, right, I feel closer to that friend. So that's kind of what I mean. I I hadn't really been listening to the data that that's really what it was trying to tell me that the connection and feeling loved is the key to happiness, which sounds like such a cliche, right? And yet it's true.

Does that mean that those around us are connected to our happiness and we are connected to theirs? Does this suggest a kind of sort of interdependence or a web of connection that's a prerequisite.

for happiness. Well that's an interesting question because it actually it's actually a more nuanced question because happiness is also contagious, right? So we're also affected by other people's happiness and other people's unhappiness. We tend to actually like happy people. We want to be around them in part because of that contagion effect. But it certainly means that how connected we feel to others, whether it's our pets or whether it's to God or a romantic partner, our friendship network.

our colleagues, that that is absolutely gonna affect our happiness overall, our happiness today. And I really like if you wanna be h you know, I often say, you know, if I were gonna give you one tip, if you wanna be happier today, you know, spend time

connecting with another person, have a conversation with someone else. It could be a stranger. It could be your best friend. Because it's really and it it makes sense. It's really the key to happiness. It's evolutionarily adaptive, right, for us to be in connection with other humans. Well then is the opposite true, at least scientifically speaking, that

without being connected that actually leads to poor well being. Right. So lack of connection. And by the way, we could also talk about not feeling loved. We can talk about loneliness. is associated with depression, anxiety, all kinds of adverse physical health effects. People who are less connected, like don't live as long. You could even argue that lack of connection might be associated with sort of other societal problems like

Polarization and hatred and violence too. I mean it's really like so that's why I think feeling loved, feeling connected is so important. Sonia, we're speaking to you at a time of what feels like relentless chaos in the world. And so how do we balance the need to just cope with this steady stream of headlines and just try and stay alive and stay safe and keep our communities safe?

with this rather primal or evolutionary need to seek out happiness. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, I think they go together, right? Because if the key to happiness is feeling connected and love. That could be the key, you know. So when I'm reading the headline that's makes me cry, you know, I'm talking to my romantic partner or my child or my friend about it and we hug each other.

And we think about what we might do. We might we interpret it. We we think how to take action. Happy people, they have more energy, they persevere more, they have passions. So I think those two things are not inconsistent. They kind of go together. What about those listeners out there who are hearing this and say, I find happiness in solitude, you know, and I like going on a solo hike or going on a solo trip and that makes me feel content.

If it is all about connection, what explains that sense of well-being we get from our alone time? Yeah, great question. Absolutely. And by the way, I'm an extroverted introvert. Okay. So I love like parties are my happy space and yet I love solitude. So we all need lots of, you know, ingredients in our life and solitude is part of that.

But if you're solitary all the time, you know, you are gonna miss it. I think it's a very, very, very rare person. I mean, there are some people. I actually met someone like that and s he you know, he sees humans once a year. Yet I would say he's connected to God, you know. So

even even people who are sort of solitary are connected to something else. So I don't want to say universal, but I think it's sort of a near universal need though that humans have for connection. And it makes sense because like

evolutionarily speaking, we wouldn't have thrived, we wouldn't have survived, we wouldn't be able to f mate and reproduce if we weren't, you know, sort of connected and felt loved by others. Yeah, yeah. That's why you hear people say, you know, we're wired for connection and belonging. But that doesn't mean it's exclusive from anything else, right? Like that it's totally natural and reasonable that we do want some alone time sometime.

Of course. So it's not that a hundred percent of your you know hours of the day need to be with others, although a really cool study came out recently that showed that they sort of asked people how happy they are, you know, throughout the day, like every minute of the day, and then asked what they were doing. And it turns out that people were always happier when whatever they were doing, whether it was exercising or reading, they were doing in the company of other humans.

I should say I keep saying humans, but it could be a pet. Sure. This brings me to the social media question because I remember fifteen years ago when Facebook was coming out and

The founder and CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, promised that we're all about making the world more connected. We really want to make the world more connected. And it does sound great on its surface. But as you said in your talk, In modern life, it feels like there's more walls up than ever, both physically and metaphorically speaking. Why is this? How has social media made an impact on connection and our ability to connect with other humans or animals?

Well it's a it's a little bit it's a little bit of a nuanced question, right? Because social media does help us connect sometimes or lots of times with other people. I mean it's amazing. Like here's an example. I have I have four kids and so I've had lots of oh pairs. They most of them have come from Germany and other countries.

And, you know, it's amazing when used they used to come and they would feel so lonely. And now they come and they're like connected with their family and friends in Germany, like all day long. I mean, that's amazing, right? That's an amazing invention, amazing technology. And of course if you have some kind of rare interest or a rare disease or some kind of problem, you know, it's it's amazing to have those networks, right?

And so I definitely wanna like say affirm that that's true as well. On the other hand, we're talking about what are human beings wired for? We are wired for face to face interactions involving face-to-face, but also involving voice. We actually did a study showing that anything involving voice, whether it's a video call or a phone call, makes us feel happier and more connected, makes us feel like more in sync. Yeah. So you can't just text.

Well, again, I don't want to say you shouldn't text because text could be wonderful too and very convenient. And you could share and listen through text as well.

But we are really wired through like voice and synchronous interaction, voice and and face to face and breathing the same air. Let me ask a different dimension of this, which is what it's like or what we know about the effect of seeing other people like influencers on social media or people we have parasocial relationships with, celebrities, let's say.

perform their happiness or perform their lifestyles. Because I remember in the early days of this research, those who might be more prone to comparison actually have a hard time seeing other people having a good time because of that feeling of comparison and as they say it is the thief of joy. So what do you know kind of in the aggregate data or the research that now exists about what it's like for us or what effect it has on us to see performances of happiness of on other people.

Yeah, comparisons are so invidious. And they and you're right that li social media in a in effect kind of amplifies our individual differences, right? So people who are already kind of prone or like sensitive to s such such things like comparison, like they're gonna be even more harmed, right? But if you're kind of a happy go lucky, happy person, maybe you're you're not gonna care as much, right? But it we certainly care.

Uh most of us care at least a little bit, and here's a study that I like. Um college freshmen on average thought that everyone else was adjusting better to college than they were because they kept seeing like on social media like here's me at a party, here's me with my roommate, you know, hanging out. So everyone seemed to sort of adjusting better on average than they are.

And that's just like so invidious. It it's everywhere. We can't we you know, we can't avoid it. On the other hand, those influencers, you know, have a lot of negative things to say, but on the other hand, like my kids have learned so much. From these influencers. Like they know how to cook. They have all this therapy talk. They're like, Mom, you know, you really need to take four breaths this way when you're stressed out. So like

They've also like learned a lot from from these videos as well. So it's always a little bit of a nuanced interpretation of what's happening.

No matter what is happening in these individual interactions that folks are having, your prescription, your antidote for feelings of despair or anxiety or depression is to try and reconnect. in real life with other people. You said something in your talk which really struck me. You said sharing and listening, hold hands. If you only share, it's a monologue. If you only listen, it's an interview. But when you do both, that's when the magic happens. It's really that simple.

It it is. It's really that simple. So and so I guess one of my biggest tips is that yeah, if you want to be happier today or in general. Have more conversations, like spend more time with other people. But not just any conversation, right? Like go deeper.

You know. And I often say like I'm done with small talk. Life is too short for small talk. Yeah. And by the way, small talk is not so bad. You know, but it has its place. Right. Totally. It's a social lubricant. Having small talk with your barista or the bus driver actually does make people happier research shows.

But even the bigger impacts are with deeper conversations. And um one of my friends, Nick Eppeley, who's a professor at the University of Chicago, does has done some beautiful studies showing that for example People think like if you ask deep questions to another person that they'll will you'll be perceived as sort of nosy or prying. And yet we actually on average we want to be asked questions, right, about our inner life. Like we want to be seen, we want to be heard. So

have that deeper conversations. Maybe don't go too deep too fast, right? Pacing is really important. You have to read the room. I sometimes wish that like there were emotional intelligence classes in every high school and every college, you know, because that's hard to learn. It takes years to learn. Uh but yeah, have conversations that are deeper than than usual.

I know it would take years to learn, but what can you offer those of us who want to learn or are hungry to learn what sharing from the heart sounds like? or how to avoid some pitfalls. when we're trying to open up or get other people's to open up. Sure, sure.

Well, to start with well, actually I would start with the other direction. I would start with showing curiosity in the other person and really listening to them, you know. So and that's curiosity is really hard to fake and really listening to them like you're gonna be quizzed on it, right? Not just listening because you're waiting for your turn to speak.

Ask them questions, you know, about their we all again, we you know how like a lot of people will tell you all the details of their day, you know, and they ran this errand and they did this. And it it can be boring, but you know, you could it it shows you people really want you to know about their inner life, about what's happening with them. So ask questions, show curiosity.

And then you share, right? So you share, but start small, right? You don't want to just immediately reveal like, you know, a secret or something. So maybe it's like when they someone asks you how are you, instead of saying fine, you might say something. Something a little bit deeper. It could be, Oh, I found I'm having a rough day or I

this thing happened today or give them the your true opinion about the m the movie that everyone else likes. Maybe you're like, I didn't really love that movie, right? So it doesn't have to be a your, you know, deepest trauma that you share. So pacing is really critical because if you share too deep too fast,

everyone's walls will come right back up again. Because again the the goal is to sort of try to lower your wall a little bit and then help the other person lower their walls a little bit by showing curiosity in them and by truly listening to their response after you ask them a question. Yeah, I really like that.

Okay, so Sonia, in the spirit of asking and listening, let's jump into a quick lightning round to get to know you a bit more before we wrap up this conversation. Okay, here we go. What does innovation or a good idea look like to you? Oh, something that no one's ever thought of, something that's unconventional. I feel I feel I feel like most ideas are just like I've heard before over and over again. Okay. Do you have a New Year's resolution or a ritual at this time of year? And if so, what is it

Sure. I for one thing I'd say the ritual should be all the time, not just New Year's. Mine is that I often wake up with a little bit of anxiety. So so I'm having I'm creating kind of a gratitude ritual when I first wake up. to kind of combat that little bit of anxiety in the morning. I like that. Okay. What is an anthill that you'd be willing to die on? Oh my gosh. Okay. I think okay, mine would be the greatest thing in the world is cuddling.

I'm a cuddler. I'm and you know, I cuddle with my kids all the time, but not just with my kids, with my friends. I think there's not enough physical touch. Yeah. I mean, obviously with consent, uh physical touch is amazing. Yeah, I really like that. What's a small gratitude that you have in your life right now? Something that you are particularly grateful for? It could be something very small. Hm.

I'm so grateful, yeah, that I can cuddle with my kids and the love love, really, I'm grateful for love because I think love can kind of save the world. I know that's such a cliche, but it's true. Love is the answer. I like Tonya Lubomirsky, thank you so much for sitting down with us and for your talk. Thank you. It's been a pleasure to talk. That was Sonia Lubomirsky at TED Network. twenty twenty five and in conversation with me.

If you're curious about Ted's curation, find out more at Ted.com slash curation guidelines. And that's it for today. Ted Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective. This talk was fact-checked by the TED Research Team and produced by Lucy Little and edited by Alejandra Salazar. The TED Talks Daily team includes Martha Estefano. Oliver Friedman.

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