Daily Brew 29th January with Dave Elliott and Alan Irwin

1/2. 3. I fucked down every time. It is actually perfect, like I could synchronise it perfectly, but I feel like too slick coming off like the back of a countdown, you know? Speaking of slick, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this live Daily Brew episode. George, you all right? You're just nervous when walking in the shot. Imagine if people just loved that and were like spin off Paul. And then I got bigger than tea with.

Me. The only thing about this is because she's coming in with the coffees and we're recording, you won't head her. If she'd have come in and wasn't recorded, you'd go. You're late pooled by beverage. Why am IA Victorian? Don't know what that? What is that voice? I don't know, Miser. No boredom. Boredom, Principal. Oh, you're late. Like it's like a school that. Has borders. Boarding principal?

I thought you said the boredom Prince, which should be someone you would definitely be and the boy. That's. That's Prince Williams. He's a. Prince. Is he like Prince William but for the black people? Prince Williams. Do. You remember when we. Georgia for. Fuck's sake. George George's nickname is the Disruptor. The Disruptor. And that's what you'd write in your report card. George is nothing but a disruptor. Yeah, an upstart, rambunctious disruptor.

Do you think being a school principal back in, like, Victorian days would have been sweet? Yeah, because they could. They didn't have a big duty of care. No. These guys could get tuberculosis or anything and they did the principal just like are just quite. Sad they just have dusters in their cloaks. Yeah. Oh my dad got pretty walked at school like your. Dad went to school in 1743. It was a different time back then. He got the kid. Michael, I was a principal.

Dennis, stop doing that. You're a very naughty boy, the. Worst The worst boarding school principal. Of all. Time. Let them have cocaine. She'd be awful. Oh yeah, but he's like. And then I realised that could be paused. And hey man. Can I say some Sly? Yeah. You're not already like, like, we're not like sweet looking guys to the point where we need to manipulate our face to look like Kitty. Kitty Prices looks like she's just got a really tight hairband or a really tight ponytail.

Yeah, that's her look. That's not sweet now. And her eyebrows are like Ming the Merciless. Or can I give you a compliment? I would love one man. You're we now that I've said it. Oh no, it's. Got worse, but remember you developed that like Ridge. Yeah, it's a Dick on my nose. Yeah, but like, remember, your forehead got a bit bigger. And then you have that like, Cliff. Yeah, It looked like it went away. And then I said, can I give you a compliment? You put your head on like this

and it got way worse. It got way worse. It's I'm like a Sharpay dog. It looked like I wouldn't survive that drop if I fell from your forehead to the top of your nose. Yeah, well, if you fell from your forehead, the top of your nose, you'd survive, right? Like so just a big. But you'd be bored. You'd be travelling. Illegal AdWords off the bottom? That'd be sweet. Yeah, yeah, I could smoke a fag in the sure, all right. Oh, you can't say that anymore. It's 2025. Homophobic.

What do you say? What's the new word for sure? You I was going to say you suck off at any sexual man in sure. You could. Not why? Why could I not? I saw, by the way, Speaking of homosexuals, I saw a meme yesterday and I've meant to send it to you, but I knew you were just. I was in hospital. Yes, so I thought you know you're going to be up the height though you won't but but. Sometimes situations like that make you laugh even.

But you know, whenever you know you'll love something and you just know you won't love it so much in that particular environment, can I just find it and show it to you to get your reaction? Because it really like when I say it made me laugh stupidly. So the Catherine's like, what's funny? And then do you ever do this thing where your wife says what are you laughing at? And you show her, and they go. That's not funny.

Yeah, Yeah. You would know, and then you're like, I know who'd love it. Can I can I update people? Yesterday I was to say I was limping and I've got. What's the thing I have didn't put plantar fasciitis? Well, I think it's out and then I've been stretching it and it's getting worse. So I think maybe I've got like a broken bone or something which is very me. The only make it way worse by stretching out the broken bone. You just open the oh gosh, I'm really turning this off.

I thought it was Georgia. Turn around. There's noise in the phone. How do you describe that day for people? It's just he faced coming through his circle, I says. Made the glory hole. Ask him, can we kiss instead? Those boys would hear that wouldn't know like they're not there for. That no, I mean, that's one thing I in life I am afraid of now. It's one of those things that I'll never be in the scenario where that will happen. But glory holes freak me out, man.

Well, can I tell you something? I. Don't know, just. Before, but my nanny formerly alive as in like my granny, not like. I'm. I'm the nanny. I'm your new nanny. Yeah, she's new. She's Yeah, she's on the life. What? Is why is the cat Williams? You're now I'm your nanny. Put down the juice. All right, you behave yourself. You're a very naughty boy. Sorry, wow. Weird I got half a boner there but yeah, beside her you could say neighbours if you want to lived this family.

Like in her house, not in the course she is now. Oh, I think. Not like the grave. The soils of them beside don't know like umm. It's a nickname for her. As a wrestler, I see the paramilitary and undercover agent he's. A soy. Why? Because he's dirty. He's always in the dirt. He's a dirty, but there was apparently a guy, the dad was like a like a part time homosexual and Pete PDH. And then he'd been going to a glory hole. And this is just a rumour, but my nanny filtered this around

the family. I eventually heard about it when I was way too young and apparently there was a glory hole in the north. That area. You probably tell me where. Yeah. And the DA was at it one day. And guess who you find that was on the other side? You're. His son you got sort of a myth. I've heard that before. You know, a lot of earth is a big urban myth. I think no. What a hard find. Funny, recently to me I thought a gory hole was like a proper hole in a solid wall. Yeah.

Apparently nowadays dude you're just doing it in houses. Put their partner. Or they're bringing it with them. It's like it's just to hang up a curtain and there's we holding it so you can do it like you can. Oh, that goes. Again, no, that's not. I think the purists will only go to a wall like a brick wall. Yeah, it's got a bit, not a. Brick wall. You need to have a large. MDF, you know what I mean? You need to do yes, yes, but if it's. Brick, do you think like, yeah,

there's like tears because. You could fully get on top of somebody if it was just a curtain. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know you need. That takes away the illusion. Just the well he goes through. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I hope that the wall is not insulated. I'm not getting through. Oh yeah, yeah. You would need the balls you. Would need like blue bricks. I would need to just be yeah, I would just need to be something very small.

But would you? Is the is the thrill that you don't know who's on the other side? I don't know what the. Thrill is because you don't want I'd want them heck, like. Head on the Google or yeah either. Oh, I thought you were just. Asking him like off the top of his head. Ask like Google. What the thrill of the glory. Hole is so we can down Google thrill of the glory hole. I think I was. I think it was a Bruce

Springsteen album. I remember I used to work with a woman who, like glory holes are also apparently what you call a space under the stairs. Back in the day. A glory hole as well. Yeah, she. Gave see when your dad said he was going going to the glory hole. Yeah, actually when I just get the Hoover right. Yeah, but no, she's me because you're having an argument. She was talking to another person in the in the office about she's saying it cleared up

my glory hole. I was like, and this woman is like close to retiring and I said, you know, the glory hole, isn't she? Besides, we space under stairs. No, not anymore. It goes unless there's a little actual hole in your glory hole. No. And then she got really off for me and I think she may or may not have reported me to the manager for being a pervert. Straight people don't really do the glory hole do.

Never heard that, ever. No, you know what, what I think it is, I think women just aren't as pervious, dude. I think that's just the thing. Like, guys are, they're pervy, cornier guys. But women are more pervy in like written text form. Like they like to read books? Also, they go to the library. Instead, they go in the library. Form they're literature perverts like. Yeah, skates and Kates, that's what they're all about. Where men are like physical perverts. Yeah. PPS.

Yeah, they love to just Yeah, therefore, yeah. But then imagine if you got like a a real mischievous guy at the glory hole just wanted. To I'd say everyone, the glory hole is a bit mischievous. But what what if he was a butcher and just decided to cleave some willies? You don't know what's going on. You could you could have somebody has like a massive homophobe and just trying to attack people and go to glory hole just cut Willies off just. Baiting. But if things aren't that sharp.

So he's just sucking the calf. Oh no. It might be quite nice. At least we know with no taste. Yeah, I know. I know. Yeah, No, no thing. I don't know why I said like that. Show me. No, no thing. Not that motions not doing anything. No, that would be quite sure when. You do and then move your head back and forth. But does. Yeah, no, it's hard to do because you need a bit go more aggression, you know? Yeah, You know, you look like a real guy. Eat off his face at a read.

I agree. With your question please. Before we do, can we do our sponsorship? Read for Today I. Thought you'd never ask? It's guys glory hole just off a temple. More Ave get there. Guys, we are sponsored by none other than Magic Mind. Nadive, you have you have a great mind and your magic. Yeah, but this stuff is on a different level. This if, Dave, what if I told you this was the world's first productivity drink? Would you go well? It's pretty starting, Yep.

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easily throw. Oh yeah? Well, that's the best thing about it there. Easily through. My limits let's test. I'm going to eh through this a Macho 1 David, push your energy match. It helps you relax, keeps you focused. And I mean, that's a bit of an oxymoron that. And it's it's got it gives you. Absolutely not. Not be valued. If you're relaxed. I'm focused. Yeah, you can be focused in stress, but you want to be focused and relaxed. Say I was.

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What do you do? It looked like you were preparing a mouse glory hole within your. Yeah, because the thing about your voice. Put that in, then push. Push. Usually I push my chin on the front of my to take it out. Unfortunately for me I just left it in the back of my mouth and when I went to get it realised it wasn't there so I had to delve in. Yeah, that was really weird. I know I feel weird and also feel like it's a fully on camera as well. It's just going to be weird.

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magicmain.com/T Jam TEAJAN. As in T January T. January, that's. TSD. Thanks very much. That's the majesty is about it. Davy. She was talking yesterday. We're up and down the hospital at the minute when the son who's got pneumonia, but it's looking good for him. He might get a maybe there tomorrow, but I want to ask Good. Oh, when Davy. Was younger man. Or, you know, a child. Yes. You ever in hospital, you ever spend any any time we ever we you know.

No. One of those reward Ward well, I had. Convulsions when I was a kid and I don't remember them. Like you just sort of go disappear like Brown Stark. Right. Yeah, I would. Age. Like young, young, I don't remember them but like, I think I overheated and then like passed out and sort of

convulsed. Hospital. Yeah. But I don't ever remember it as a young and then I remember being a hospital and give a tonsils like that was good crack got those out and then other than that pretty been pretty good in my health. Yeah, you know. I was in the same ward that we're up out here whenever I was about six or seven with asthma and I remember getting. Respiratory ward Pneumonia. Asthma. Yep, thanks doctor. And I got a wee dinosaur playset of figurines and I think they're

still there. How wise. Oh well. What's it just shows you the quality of toys back in. The day, but etiquette for me to just donate that to the ward. Yeah, I didn't say it as officially as that, but I think I've just say, and I don't want to take him home, you know? And was it the Ulster? Ah, can I, can I ask you some owner? You did the part on Monday, which, by the way, that's real friendship. Thank you. Yeah, right. Appreciate that. But then I was like, how did it go?

And a lot of people were saying you, you were just talking about ways to just unlive yourself. Was it you said you wanted to drive off Cliff or something? You and Andrea predict you. Drive into the sea. I just want to when I am back on board, I just want to intervene and make sure, Dave. Is OK. No, I'm good. My point wasn't that I wanted. This is the thing. I think people sometimes take things a week but too seriously.

I was saying that when Mattel's will be the only way to get her to sleep was just to drive down the peninsula. It was every day. I was tired, it was arduous. I was listening to Harry Styles all the time and it was just a wee bit but. Maybe that's why she wasn't sleeping. What a minute, Sugar. Yeah. But I mean, people need to chill out. I'm I'm I've got my shit in order. Yeah. Were you talking about fearing off the road? Maybe. But sometimes.

But people, people are allowed to have thoughts. Yeah, you do. Yeah. Like sometimes you have thoughts. You go I. Does anyone ever get this thought? We imagine doing something that makes you like there's a bridge in Edinburgh. Every day I walk the Fringe, right. Every day I was walking Fringe. Every story involves you jump but. This is like, then every time, I don't know what this phenomenon is, Everyone has what you mean.

And you think yourself, if I wanted but you don't, I could jump over there and I mean, go, whoa, yeah. And like, it's scary. And then it made me go. How many people thought these weird thoughts? And. Thank you everyone who passes over bridge or something. Like that. Like. What I am such a health and safety guy, like I take all the precautions necessary. If you were going to do it, you would. Oh no, I'm sure you would take all the right. Yeah, but I wouldn't I wouldn't do that.

But I just think that yes, some people, they chill fuck out. Yeah, I'm sorry. No, all good. She made sure Cheers for your concern, guys. But. No people working, people message me being like check in with Dave. Yeah, guess what? What age Matilda Knife? Four. It was four years ago. Where were he's four years ago. Yeah. And ages? Yeah. You. Still listen to Big Harry Styles? But it's not been as good as you. Real as a as a solo artist. You know what? This is hard one for me.

I'm a big fan of him and a big fan of his work. But yeah, I think so. I think like if you just listen to his songs, some of them are grand. Let's. Write. Some of them are not. The top five One Direction solo singles. Oh well, I mean, pillow talks. Pillow. Pillow talk. Might be number. One. I think so. It's very sexy. Strip that down. That's up there too. I. Sang by a young Chinese boy. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, this is going slow hands, Yeah, which is also a nickname of mine.

It weirdly you look like a an assassin to be nicknamed slow. Hands. Yeah, I actually I do. I'll take that you don't do a lot, but what you do is effective. I could also be a character in Game of Thrones called Slow Hands. Yes. Oh yeah, yeah, and he tortures people to death. Yes and yeah, it's good too. I mean this is slightly say because he's that he's dead and it was really sad or IP Liam Payne, but I think his all the work wasn't the best so wouldn't even have him in the top five.

Yeah, sadly you. Wouldn't have him in the top five One Direction members. No, I would have, definitely. Here's the thing, as a member One Direction, he's probably the most important 1 I think. Like, I mean, you could who? Who carries the most of the songs the most, the most bridges, the most choruses? Who sings the most in the One Direction? Harry. Sings the most Liam, Harry sings the.

Most Harry and Liam but Liam does a harder bits better singer than Liam is or Harry is. They're talking about the boys coming back. Yeah, I mean, which would be so sly. What? Well, for. Yeah, but Zen, Zen, just a naughty wee boy. I'll say this. Remember Simon Carla to chase them got him to come back because usually Bob. Yeah, actually he's like, don't do this. Don't be here. And Simon's like, come back, boy, Yeah. Simon Cowell is someone I think we could easily do a podcast

with. I think we'd have a great time if we had. If we had Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh on the pod, that'd be 10 out of 10. Louis Walsh is getting out of control boy bands. Like he did Nikki Burns podcast. I saw a clip from it where Nikki like his Louis Walsh and Ronan Keaton fell out like really famously and hate each other and Nicky's like, you know, if you, if you spoke to Ronan like you know, do you think you could figure out your differences and Louis like.

Yeah, if he calls me, yeah, yeah. He's like, but you know, call him, he's like, no. And he goes. But Ronan, like you have to appreciate Roman's career. He's like, oh, he's very busy. He's always working. He does everything. Don't you do anything And like he just Louis just he can't behave himself. He can't. Resist, but there's a new. I don't know if you say there's a whole like big like a complete scene now of boy band documentaries coming out and they're all great.

They're all gossipy. I saw one recently but the 90s boy bands which was I don't know if was on ITV or BBC as in brilliant. It encompassed all of them. Yeah, a load of them and then had 911, a lot of 911 like. You got my body shaky. No slight. Whenever they keep going, he's the cute one who did all the singing and he just two dancers. But then they're like 59. Yes. That's sore. Yes. But there's one of our boys home

coming out. Yeah. Yeah. And Louis Walsh as as the batter and more mischievous he's got the higher his hair's got. So his hair looks, he look, it's just like this night. And it was him and Roland in the first thing talking about them. And he was like, they got above their seats, They got above their station. They started having their own thoughts. Yeah, and. They're like, alright Lee, you know what I mean? Do you know what? I thought he could sing.

When Louis Walsh, she was trying to get Simon Kyle to sign Westlife, he auditioned them in London and Simon was like, yeah, I love them. But this like fat lead singer gay, which was Shane fighting. It was like maybe like slightly heavier than but absolutely not fat. I don't like the fat guy there and. Louis was like Simon, he's brilliant, like he has a great voice, he's great. And Simon's like, Nah, I'll take the bomb, but without him. And then Louis went away and was

like, what are we going to do? And they died. She invited his hair peroxide blonde, brought him back and just didn't say anything. The same inside like this guy's Got Talent. But he didn't put him a diet or nothing. Just just changed his hair. Doug, we take a question, please. Stand with Monday's episode, Naomi says. Who knew a clip from Monday would go viral and make so many Americans emotional? The like I'm sitting in hospital getting picked notifications on my phone from YouTube.

You and Andy Ryan have opened the kind of political worms with your with your Trump chat. It's funny, Joe. It's funny about it. People from here being really slightly use about thinking about US politics. But I'm like, they're like, how sad that you care about politics from over not realising that the saddest thing is their comment. Yes. You know, and also, I don't give a fuck. Yeah.

So it's like, I don't know. Well you didn't really say anything about Donnelly, but Andrew Andrews dumb himself out. Imagine Trump loved Andrew. Cork in the North. I love it. Q Radio. That would be a lot of fun. This guy loves admin. Oh, he loves it. But, you know, but I yeah, I had no idea. That's but Andrew, it's. Cool notes in the comment section. Class I love comments from people's create good. Luck a little bit that could you see that comment I put up?

Yeah, I mean, because yeah, false. He said to delete today and insulted me. I was like, what I'm super proudly talking about now. I'm like, yeah, what was he? What was that about Andrew? Was it about me or? Was it the F word of the T word this Tigran in the podcast? Yeah, but I just don't like how annoyed was that a person being the right that Wow. It's just funny to call Andrew a pig. Yeah, you know what else is really weird about him? Imagine calling him Andy. Andy Ryan, yeah.

Andy. Well, maybe he rebrands that because Andy is probably more, but maybe I'm wrong more. Like a guy. More of a unionist name and Andrew Ryan. Andy Ryan, is it a little bit more Protestant? Yes. So maybe he read, maybe he has to go all in to get this guy back. This guy who keeps just. Is it you? On a burner account, yeah. Not that that's just for me. I had no idea that it was.

But imagine that guy writes up a direct message that guy who commented on and I'm like bro, thanks for pointing this out. Yeah, yeah, you should write back. I didn't know. Yeah, I'll round them up now. Let me know any other takes on the post show. I'll get them all in a. What's this thing with the Gulf of Mexico? You bring that up on purpose, no? No, sorry, that's just a whole.

You know, Trump's trying to change the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. I think that's Patty. You think that's? Patty, it's the same way as he. Just like I want Greenland. No explain to me more but this Why does he want green? Why does he want to buy green? Because closer to Europe, isn't it? But what can they do with it? There's resources there and geographically the position in it's sort of important, especially if the ice caps start to melt.

Right, right, right, right. You know what I do? If I was a Greenland guy, I just launched an attack in America. I wonder, do the do the Mexican people really care? But the Gulf of Mexico being called the Gulf of Mexico, Yeah, You know, here's what I would do. Pretend to care and then like be like, look, we're really passionate about this, but for 500 billion, we'll let you renew. You know what? I do care. I mean, call me like, like total fucking out of a box kind of guy.

Total out of your box kind of guy. Listen, if you say what you want about me and say I'm a radical dude, but I'd rather not name Green in the Gulf Mexico or take over Greenland. Stop having kids shot in school with that. Right. Try out that's. On the list. I think, I think that's probably more important, Yeah. You know, But I mean, who am I to say I don't want to talk politics anymore, In case I would call it you. Guys like didn't know Dave was 1-2. Let's go. Yeah, I I can't.

Part of me finds it funny, but maybe I've lived that. Wouldn't you know? Yeah, but here's. That is in the name change thing, not kids getting shot. I find I find like with politics, so if you get, if that's your main thought, like you a lot, a lot of people can. Do La La La La La La la. Laughs. All right, our Graham. What is that? To sell black, let's say Laura. You're doing Stephen Watson for no and talking like Cilla Black. Welcome to Blonde.

I'm Cilla Black. You signed a wee bit like Fern Troyer there as well. Hello, welcome to Blonde with Me from Troyer. The we curtain that we reveal thing has to be so low to the ground that goes back. Remember that picture? Like God love Vern Troyer. Who's RIP. God love. But the actor, the actor Burn Troyer was that was obviously very famously mini me in Austin part. Why? Because they. Give a role called Mini Me but burn Troyer after Austin bars.

I think like Kenny came out into work, got the Austin Powers films, probably got quite a lot of money and then didn't know what to do with Blue Bubba. So toward the end was just like doing things for money or publicity. And you know, the way sometimes celebrities set up pictures for the paparazzi. You know, like, you catch me doing this thing that's clearly staged and we'll split the money. You're seeing the picture of

Vern Troyer, Long subway. No. I'm bring it up. Is it bigger than them? Probably seems. Oh no. Look, he looks like such a cheeky WE chapter, doesn't he? Yeah, what a guy. Yeah. He actually looks like one of the guys that'll be 17 down the first one, no. Why is he looking right down the barrel you just made? Oh, no, Oh no. Look at him. Look at him, cutie. Why he? Wasn't picked up the wee guy who was like just a small man because they thought he was to.

Check Mike Tyson, the hospital, you get that up places. I can't speak English, we can't tell him. He was kissing him. This is the funniest. Thing he's like shadow boxing Mike Dyson and Mike picks him up. Starts blowing his tummy and all. Yeah, but that's not properly trying to fuck up Mike Dyson. Then throw him a few shots. Tyson's taking them, he's just letting them bounce off him. And then and then Mike, imagine you picked up my dad sort of

nozzle and then lose neck. Have you ever heard the footage afterwards and Tyson's talk? But I thought he was a baby and No 40 old dude. In Russian being like, I'm not a baby. Oh, I was talking about, I can't remember who else I'm talking about. There's like an award ceremony and they came up and there was like a wee guy bringing them on. And it was a woman, I think. And she like picked them up. She might have been the boss of Wonder Bra or something like that.

But it was another case of like, and you can clearly see in his face he's like, I'm not embarrassed or why we're up here, but I am like a man 47. But that's the funniest thing. Like people will know that's going to happen. And then for banter, I'd be like, look at what you kid know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get him a hug. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you send them and just watch it. Yeah. Oh, my God, That's so funny. Verne Troyer.

I love the Austin. I remember the first time I would see Austin Powers in Dublin Rd cinema when it came out and I loved it. It was 1987. There's a line in it still makes me laugh. Now in the first Austin Powers, it's just so stupid and throw away, but he's looking for Doctor Evil. He goes where's Doctor Evil and spots it was There's the bastard. How sexy was Elizabeth Hurley? And Oh yeah. Elizabeth Harley's another dad

thing. I think there's women who you only fancy when you become like a dad. I always thought I found it was in 1987. Patina for and you know another one Kylie Minogue. Like I never, never got up by Kylie and I had kids and I got Kylie she was up for. Doing. So yeah, slow. I thought that I think Danny was sexier than Kylie. Yeah, but not just if you got just get a photo of Kylie Minogue there and you look at her go I really fancy. No, we're not just bringing up.

Go ahead. We're not objectifying women in this podcast. But don't bring her up. Let's say Kylie here. Is that Shane Gillis for my taste? No, no, no. And hospital, That's so funny. Hospital is a full man. Kylie Minogue. Yeah, so pretty. What a Pretty Woman. Fantastic singer-songwriter as well. Did she write them? Oh, why? What are you trying to say? She can't write them because she's pretty. No, but remember Damon Auburn said that about Taylor Swift.

What he's like you have a children write her own music or anything, and then she put out a. Says a guy that wrote a song called Beatle Bomb. Yeah, she would have been Taylor Swift. She's like, may I write all my own songs? And then song too. Shut up Damon, you fucking idiot. I. Didn't know you're big Swift. No, I, I, you know what? I'm going to defender because. Oh yeah, I got. Any Taylor. Taylor Swift is far superior songwriter than Damon Alborn or anyone in Blur.

Blur are the most overrated shite in the history of the world. You know, even if it's like from Paris and where's. This coming from. To fucking Oasis is a disgrace. Dame Auburn Beatle bum fucking song too compared to the fucking love song. What a tune that is. Yeah and bad blood love story even. Sorry I'm just so angry I forgot the fucking the songs. Shake it off. Yeah, what about blur? Blur. They didn't sound like a word. And he? Lives in a house, a very big house in the country.

Fucking hard. That's hard, isn't it? What other songs to have? Give me any. Good blur the universal. Park life. It's not even him saying that. It's a fucking weird cockney dude. Lily Allen. Oh, to play pool? No, it's. Not him. It's another dude enough. Do you like Oasis? I love Oasis. Yeah. Fucking yeah. Can I tell you some what? I don't think you're a big Oasis guy. I really like the music. Why? Why? I'm not a big Oasis guy. You said you. Fucking love Oasis. I love her music.

Yeah, I don't. They're not like, they're not like Neil Diamond to me, but I like them. Love Neil Diamond. Do you know I used to think forever in blue jeans? Do you know what I thought that was? The Reverend. Blue jeans. The Reverend. I think it was just before the Reverend Blue jeans, which sounds like a cool Reverend. But there's a lot of Neil Diamond songs that I don't understand, like.

I don't know any more than those, but when they're like Tony Christie. There's Tony Christie's good as well, but he's no Neil Diamond. I did what I did for Maria. But there's a Neil Diamond song was nothing around but the sound of my heart and Your Size. I thought he's talking about like a fat woman. It's like, that's really disrespectful. Money talks forever in blue jeans. The reverend. Blue jeans. Fat women.

Doug, we have a question please. Curtis wants to know how do you feel about Boy Town turning 8 this year or, sorry, past December? I mean, what I think is that's way knowledge. Yeah, I thought Boy Town is like 25 years old or something. Do you remember we we can work out why we always need to piss the episodes and then if you look back, the thing we have in the middle of us is a giant teapot to take a say to an astronaut helmet and we just can't see drink tea the. Whole way through it.

That was long. Do you? Remember doing the first episode? In my house and said I. Remember doing them all in your house, but I don't remember specifically being like this is the. 1st no, I remember the first episode we did, it's cramped upstairs in Ned's was like we tester remember was you, me and one of your mates and then he didn't want to do it because he had a job and didn't want to be. That's right. That was the first time we ever did it. That's right.

I don't think we'd name for it or anything at that point, but still. One that's brought with me a lot is the meat books. I hear that all the time. All the time. And then also some people remind me. Oh, sure. You firstly. Yeah, yeah. Mid Yeah, Dave, if you've never seen it, Dave, stop talking for one second and then just like. Old. Dad guy just went yeah, real time was, I guess. Yeah, yeah, I think they're pretty cool band. And I went David, you're sleeping.

What was it? Yeah, that was a lot of fun. They were. They were silly. When you one of my highlights was when you were talking about the office creator and you called them chicky vervees. Yeah, which sounds like the number one Bollywood game. Do you like? Could you ever see yourself doing Bollywood? Oh yeah, I love that. That'd be great. That'd be the head.

That's good. The NC Speaking of if I assume is an Indian person, the guy on the viral video this week it sounds, it sounds like an Indian accent, so I assume they're an Indian person. It could be that accent. It could be a an eastern accent, but there's a viral video going on about someone's farting on a plane. Have you seen this? Have you seen this? Yeah. And basically it's just this voice comes up and goes. Can you stop farting? It smells bad. Can you try and get that up,

please? It's so funny. It's all the funniest videos I've seen a long time. Can you get signed on this? Do you know? Do you know? Who that is like meat and drink for? Like when you mention that video, I go do you know who will have seen it and appreciate? It Foster Yeah, loves it to get volume on this. It really looks like dancing. Oh, head you, you get them on. Yes. Think it's Foster. You can find that. You're the Internet boy. Internet boy. I find it.

Don't be afraid to type Indian. Yeah, I mean, definitely don't be afraid of Indian and definitely spell right whoever. Keep an Indian guy playing for another great album That's a blur that. Could be a guy, an Indian guy's name. I don't know an awful lot of Indian. People what could be? Playing fart man. Stop farting on the plane. Yeah, I think that could be it. There. Yeah. The one. Do you think that's it there? Yes. This is it. Yeah. He's. He's taking mine.

He's got It's all right. I've seen it. I can't hear it. He'd be my number one. Suspect that's very good confidence to shout that plan you know what you can never hear your farts in a plane anyway so people are probably farting that's right and there's no. Oh, of course, of course. An important. Carbon pressure or something, you know, the Hezbollah in general, it's just. Funny but I mean I don't know how he's made such a career from it's just because he's we small

guy from the organs just loves. MMA. Yeah. What about our boy Paul Hughes? Do you want Paul Hughes fight? Yeah, it was. He's a bit mugged. He was mugged. But you know what, I think it's one of those ones where in defeat these games always ever wanted is the respect of the. No, he wanted the belt specifically. The thing you want is a single mind. Yeah, he just wants the belt. He doesn't care about that. He just wants the belt. He's got respect instead.

He doesn't want the respect, he wants the belt. And he'll get it. He'll get. It's been invited for dinner in Dagestan though, so oh. Really. Which also sounds like a novel. That sounds like a trap as well, although you're met off guys. Yeah, you know what I would do? I don't know why no one's ever slagged these guys before and just gone here mate. That's where I think. Transplant trangle moustache. Who's saying that? Dagestani guys. Because they don't have the joined up it.

Can't grow on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't do. It nothing they can do it they. Don't can't do it like the Amish. They're another brunch. I can't grow moustache. Paul Paul was was mugged but it'll be unreal if they can have that rematch in Belfast. But you know what I would do? I'd like to see you all done up with. That See, if I was near Michael Madoff, you know what I'd say? Nah, Not going to Belfast. Yeah, I'm a champ. You come to the mountains. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

See what's happening? Dojo in the mountains? Well, Hezbollah. Did you watch a fight? I did. Oh, I didn't see it alive, but I watched that effort. It's like Oasis all over you. No, I don't get me started Oasis. Would you like everyone at the boxing was like, oh, David should do more like commentary and stuff? Yeah, but you'll never will. You never do anything. Hey man, don't ask me. Yeah. It's not for me to go, hey, yeah, let me do more. If only wants me to commentate, hey, I'll do it.

But Butler sort of got a weird side gig being like. Yeah, what you should watch. MMA Oracle. If you watched his boxing country, you don't know why. Why was he he? Wasn't good. All right, give me an example like because was he providing the colour commentary or like? He wouldn't stop talking. Right. Because sometimes. Much. Sometimes.

I love you, but it's too much. When you had a boxer on with something, Butler doing the job that the boxer should have been doing of being like here, he. Was doing the job the boxer should have been doing, the job I should have been doing, and he was just talking too much about everything. He was asking himself questions and answering them. David, he knows a lot about. MMA, in fairness and he's. What should the next comedians event be? What would you like to see this year?

I mean, I've said it before many times, naked attractions when I'm going for Yeah, I want to see that. I mean, what I'm doing tomorrow because you have other plans. I'm filling in your void on the tights again. I'm making a return. I'm the only return of them. Forever faithful. Going back, so much fun. You know that last time. I. So it's what it's. Never felt the motion like. It's a version of what show the traders the.

Traders but I just. Tell me what the gist of the traders is. The gist? Someone's a liar. No, the the you get picked with three traders or maybe 2 traders and basically you have to figure out who the traders are and oust them and then you split the money with the faithfuls or if the trade, if there's even one trader left right at the end, they get all the money. So the traders are trying to turn people against each other. It's all very does it ever kick off?

Oh, why at the round table? It's wild. My people are cute. You're, you're the Yeah. You're a trader like not and then people will just. Me. Bareface, lighter face now. There was a woman on this, by the way. Does it benefit you to seem like you're a trader ever if you're not a trader? No, because if you if you're not a trader, you seem like a trader that would. You. Like that?

Programme There was a woman, there was a woman in this year's traders called Linda and she was like the the most over the top actor. It was so funny and she made it quite far considering. But the very first time they they picked 2 traders or No 3 traders and then at the round table Claudie goes traitors and Linda goes like that and then this guy Jake was like whatever. I'm such a bad. Bluff whenever she said. You're traitors, Linda.

You fully went. Yes, but she somehow managed to block Black. Should I watch the trailer? I've never seen it in my life. It's so brilliant, it is so good. And then when we did the version of it, I wasn't sure how it would translate because obviously you don't have three weeks and it's but unbelievably done. And then like I. Hope they did it again. But you know who I earn a lot of respect or who earn my respect and I will trust forever brought

a diamond, right? Because we we sort of became a bit of a team. And then when the trader saw we were a team house that her killed her. The traitor did. They killed Brona. How can they do that? The, the traitors get together and decide we're going to murder. So basically, right, you get together at the round table every night, everybody traitors and faithfuls. And you put a case to who you think's a traitor and you vote for who you think's a traitor, right?

Try and oust them. And then at the end they go out and go either I'm a faithful or a traitor, right? And then they say what they are. And then it's they're heartbroken if they get a faithful, but if they get a traitor, it's the best feeling. But then after that, the traders go up to the wee turret and then they're in the wee turret and then they go. We're going to murder somebody, so they tactically try to kill off people to like, turn the

people. Surely you'd be suspicious when a small group of people are going away? But it's secret, you know? No, I had a bit of an issue with that, but I was away a couple weeks ago on a job and met a guy who's the host of the Hungarian Traders. Fuck show business some. Crack in it. Big shout. Out to Mamana Teller, right And he? Hunt. Yeah, I'm a tick. We've been through this. No, he was tell. So I had all the questions about how the actual how does. He lead with that.

When you meet him, what does he tell you? Straight away I was just I was talking to him about the traders and he was like, oh I hosted hungry and I was like spoofer and then he showed me some stuff. Is it high end production? Oh, it's good luck. And he and he, he looks very impressive. He's very slick in a suit and all. It's very so I was asking how do they do it?

Like how do other content like, because I, I thought you could just peek out your window and see who's leaving the digs at night and be like, well, he's a traitor, but he's not all very secret security or garden people. He abroad. And have you done it in America yet? Oh, why? There's a guy, he's an, he's a British dude, hosted, and I don't know if he's an actor, he's just a Alan. Somebody think he's called Alan Cummings.

Cummings. Yeah, he hosts the American Traders. He's a bit of a boy. Wouldn't it? Yeah, but then what? Yeah, but what a teller. What? You tell me. Boy or no? Yeah, 100%. Boy, we have top laughed. But what a teller told me was that some of the the contestants had to get taken out of the show because of like having near mental episodes because they were so paranoid about the stuff that was going on. And it's so mad. So what was your tactic? Say, say you you play it and

you're a traitor. What can you do to seem less like a traitor? To be honest, right, but there were certain things that happened in the last one that I think as returning forever faithful I'll I'll be able to I'll be able to sort of weed weed out the traders. Now I had an idea who would have been the traitor and I I was the second last faithful. Willie T was the last faithful, but I I thought it was between him. And Willie T No one looks more like a traitor.

No, Willie, like every historical traitor, looks like Willie T. Yeah, but the traitors were, and people I'll never trust again. Amory Wallace, David Dirty David Dougherty. Jeff, by the way, because he was a filthy player. And then Mckagney. Why were they? Why are people felt? Again? I don't understand the show so tell me what? Someone tell me what a. Traitor can do David David DDJ, who I love by the way, but after this trust is broken. He was so he played it like such

an honest fear. He was so reassuring. He was like me Mother Goose, but all along he was deceiving us and how I I knew he was a traitor was at the end of the game. You had to get to do you want to end the game, which is when you think everybody is a faithful and then or do you want to play or do you want to banish again? I went round and I said I want to. I think I said I want to end the game maybe, but then no, he said play again first. I said you. Rat. You rapping you and then there's

3:00 to 2:00. So I got forwarded like now. Well, you're forwarded like the traders obviously one, but it was actually done the last four because I'm Reagan photo like. If you could play rebooted, No. Here's a better question. TV execs come up to you, you're Hungarian, made a telecoms up to you and he's like bastard. You're wow. He goes. He goes. I told some people in Hungry about you, they've picked you up, right? They've looked up yourself and they love it all your back catalogue.

They love it. Yeah. He's like Jim N Bastard. They love your gym character. They love it. Beansie Norty Shore. He's like bastard. They love it. He says get on this call this top exact from Hungarian TV guys like hello, is that David you be you. Yes, bastard, he. Goes yes, bastard they want. You to because. They have not many TV shows there, right? They want you to reboot Auktv show in Hungary. He's a blank. Chequebook. It's your show. What what? What do you want it to be?

See, if you had asked me a few years ago to say he's asking, but I would have said gladiators. He goes bastard, it's present and bastard. No bullseye. It's good fun, isn't it? It's defunct, is it? Yeah, they tried to break. Back. I did really like Big Break, but that's what's part of my thing. I bring back Jim Davidson. You look like me, and you in 10 years are going to look like Jim Davidson, that big fellow who Virgo.

Yeah, yeah, but I would insist it's ATV comeback for Jim Davidson and he's the host in Hungry just to see what he's got up his sleeve, be a lot of fun. And then Stephen Lee, you know the the snooker player who got banned for match fixing, He'd be the. Virgo, you're the laziest snooker player I've ever seen. Yeah. Yeah, I would I. Then ask you man. Fear Factor looked like so much fun. Because jewellery. Why don't you just marry jewel man? Why don't you just move out the

taxes and marry him? Fear factor would be terrible. I'm not a I'm not a JRK. I'm not a jewel. Case that's OK. I mean JRKAJRKAJRK, do you love him? Do you think if you met him, would you bow down and kiss his feet? No, no, no, yeah, no, I, I pleasantly chat to, but what? I've been so lost if I did a podcast. He brought up anything intellectual. What show do you think? But then he's not that smart a guy either. He's thinks he is if you and then he's like, man, I'm a mushrooms.

You'd be like I did, edible. So good. Yeah. What do you think would be the show you would be the best host of? So not necessarily the the show you want to bring back, but you think I would do a great job with that Blinded. I could see you doing that. In fact, there's the show for you to bring back you'd be great at. That I think. I think I could have a lot of fun. What about that? There's a comedian's event, but not even you could do it with

the podcast listeners. The patrons bring some of the single ones up. They're blinded that. Could be a lot of fun. We don't, we don't have the public liability to cover what could happen in that situation. But you know what could happen? Why? What do you mean the screen come back? Or do you mean like if? People after after the show, what happens? Would we still be liable? No want to leave the studio. It's whatever done.

Yeah. This is Dan's way of being Like I need to be in the bedroom if anything happens between these contestants. Yeah. Down there with a hard handle. Yeah. But it's like there's nothing else about we hard. However, his penis. Oh, he never works protection on that thing, but the the the dating game killer. Have you seen that? There's a movie out about that guy? No, and he went on his dating show and then basically he was just a serial killer.

He was a horrible. Guy, what was he like, Fun on the show? Yeah. But then. A lot of them are. Different. Anna Kendrick. Did she direct? I think she wrote and directed it on. It's on Netflix. It's good film. It's pretty like, it makes you uncomfortable. As it should. Serial killer film. Yeah. But, you know, sometimes they make serial killers be like, oh, look at them like girls love to be like, oh. Jeffrey Damerno. Yeah. So. I mean, you're like, he's gay

anyway. Wouldn't be interested in yet. I'm also dead. Yeah. And it eats people. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of problems here, a lot of red flags. Jeffrey. Yeah. You know, gay and dead. Yeah. He's not going to be cut. New York. I'd have some blanket. Blanket would be a lot. Of you know what blind date hosting blanket is a lot of facial expressions I guess to the audience. Yeah, you know what else you'd be good at? You could be 2025 by anymore

because he was the king. Hey, gonna take that title. Throw it right back at you. You keep it. I'm not looking to be 2025 Barrymore. But you know, if separate the artist from the art. Yeah, Barrymore. Separate the artist from the arts. Yeah, but Barrymore was. You want me to hold? He was hilarious. You want me to host Barrymore's pool party? No, that's distasteful. Shame. No what is? What is his? His shows called Barrymore strike it Lucky you could do Shane Todge strike. It.

Strike it lucky. Yeah, she had Tod strike it lucky. I don't even. Know that show the generation game which she know it, but they they he was he was. Very How many fortunes is fun? Yeah, catch phrase which do that. It was good fun too. If you see it's. Yeah, I don't know if the buzz would be there for a coming back. Yeah, I think Roy did it too well. It's hard to house party, right? She told House party what's up. By the way, Roy Walker, I'm come for you. It's calling him out here.

Yeah. Why? Because when I met him last year, he's like, why are all comedians fat nowadays? I looked around the room. I'm like, well, why are they all? You're wondering, is it some kind of catch phrase thing? He's like, no, no, no, you're fat. Yeah, all right, right. Disrespectful. But no by the way. Is he calling you Mr Chips? No, I actually do look a bit like Mr Chips. I can. If you bring back and you're freezing the thing, I'll paint myself yellow with a wee Red Nose. Why?

I don't know, it's a bit out of order. You met him for the first time? Yeah, and he said hello. Why? Why are all comedians fat nowadays? Might because of you, brother. You laid the foundation so we could eat. Thank you. And I kissed them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I am. But by the way, he's playing in the in the Grand Opera House on Saturday night. Roy Walker, Jimmy Crickett, Jane Fitzpatrick. No. This Saturday. Yeah, this Saturday and we'll go to that. There's an outside chance.

I'll go with you to that. An outside chance. But it's great. Now I think this might have happened before where I said that and then someone else in this room or mystery guest, when were you instead is that? Right. No, he cancelled on me as well. Diddy. Yeah, RB. Rap bastard. Rap. Bastard. But my friend Sean Haggerty want me. You became friends with a lot of older comedians. Well, not Roy Walker. Yeah. Adrian Walsh. Yeah. Yeah. Good friends. You're like the youngest guy in

that scene. Yeah, but I mean I. Feel like your scene? I respect them, Yeah. You know, I like them now. And I think you're. The Old Guy comic Circle. But you know what hit? Yeah, Well, I did tour support with Tim McGarry. He's a great privilege. A different audience, you know, we're not all walking up on stage to that audience being like, man, I'm in my I'm in the fields and not feeling the vibes. I've got their cortisone and my

brain. And also that's nowadays, I'm going to be like, you remember the Tigs not fucking I'm loving. It I love it. But it's a bit. A bit of mixing it because nowadays I feel like a lot of the stuff the young kids listen to, I'm like, oh snore off and get a life having troubles. I've been doing student union gigs all week and I don't know young people. I genuinely asked them. If you were a guy last night. Like you dip into the the youth, like you still keep your finger

in the youth. Like you, you like to be like this hot guy, even though you're near 40 and it's getting a bit weird. But you're like, you love it when 17 year old girls come watching all because it's weird. But, you know, so you'll be the student union being like, yeah, you know, where's that? I'm in the home. Do that camera. I'm in the yeah. Yeah, yeah. In the union they're like mad. You remember the key Stage 3, you know, And I'm there just with talking to all people about Ian Dreblin.

Joe's crazy. The references that you think they'll get that they have no idea of, yeah, they don't know what we're talking about. They they have no idea. No. Give me. Something I think the the kids still love. I was taught well. I genuinely was like Drake, I, I. I love Drake. Well, I know the thing they're big into. Uh huh. Eating ass. OK. So I said that I went what he is like, that's what you guys love. And a lot of them were just busy in the audience being like, yeah, yeah.

Now these are 1819 year olds, but they love it. But what? What's the next move after eating ass? Like what? Cause what's the next? What the people do? But what's the next like? Dessert. The thing but that would have felt and put you off your ice cream, you know, Speaking of fancy and Kylie Mill, that's another thing you do when you hit that. Eat Roman, Roman, Raith and ice cream.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't know, like if eaten ass is the big thing now, what's the next thing going to be? Oh, you're right, right, you know. It's going to be because it gets like I remember whenever I like. Fingering was our thing, and then there must be. Seen you. That was big when we were kids and then there must have been something next 69 and going on maybe and then. Oh, no 69 and predated that. You think so? No, I'm sorry. Sorry. You're right.

Because it used to be holding hands. Fingering. Then kicking on the neck. Yeah, hecky, hecky. Hecky's That was maybe Hecky. 'S were before fingering. Yeah, then you went the fingering, but that could just be us getting older and being able to do that. It'd be weird if you started the finger and ended hickeys hard to. Yeah. So what's going to be next? Probably just being fully shot on or booked on or something, Yeah. What turns me on? Yeah. Well, fate has become a big

thing. But fate was mad. I think Fate was before us, Alan. I think so. Maybe like could the ear come into it a bit more? Is this the year of the year? Yeah, the year of the year, but then like if you were. Genitals in the ear. And because. That's why I'm doing catch, but that's not right. But. Balls aren't nice like people thought. Playing with ball No. That could be something, putting balls into things, putting the

balls in instead of the the. Then I think people are like nowadays, the kids of today are subjected to so much anything in the like. Nothing, nothing shocks them or surprise them. I remember in our day, Channel 5, the movie on Friday night, Softcore, that's all you needed. The excitement was in your mind. None of these kids don't have minds anymore. They're all AI, they're all Elon Musk wire to the brain. Nothing excite them anymore.

What's going to be mutilation? It'll be something to do with eyes or ears. Oh. Yeah, it'll be eyes. Yeah. Lick an eyeball. So, like whenever you talk about E NASA, like, shut up. Oh, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you not you figured weirdo like, you know, it was big on our day to tingleberries. Don't talk about that anymore. I mean, if you're eating NASA dingleberries, gross. 45 a day. Yeah, what do you prefer? Blue Rasper Dingle.

As we take a little 5 minute break, can we just ask people watching to write in the comment section what will be the big sex thing in 2025? Let us know. We're going to take 5 minute break and then we will be back with another guest joining us on the couch. Hey, that's a slur, guys. Welcome back to this live episode of the Team With Me podcast. We're here all week ahead of SSE on the 23rd of May to Friday night Baby SSE. Bigger, better, Brasher browsers. Blocked. But. Black.com.

I don't know. I just don't know. We're just name it born. Black.com. Black, he said. Browsers. Yeah, but did you just say black dot? Com. Black dot. Com The blacks that's. A terrible. Start. Blacks is an outdoor pursuit shop. Yeah. Oh, is it over? That's what I meant then. You. Porno. Guy, what the fuck, dude? Yeah. Actually, I'm. Really. Not Alan. You 100% look like guy who pays premium on multiple websites. I really don't actually. I'm horny guy. I've got an imagination.

Oh wow. I'll write stories and then just Jack. Sorry, Google just came up on the TV there and I said he's going to type in black.com. I'm like. Don't know. Why? What's wrong with him? Yeah, I was only in the White Duck on over. Here. Goodness me in the door, ladies and gentlemen. Alan Irwin. Hello can I? Say something. Yeah, I like your outfit. I think you look radiant. Thanks. Beer looks good, your glasses look good, you look like you're But they give a keynote at a

startup. Oh, yeah. Like I'm like, here's something you're going to invest loads of money in and it's going nowhere. Like it's I'm going to Mexico with 50 million. Black.com. It's the next big thing, like it's a current big thing, if you know. What I mean, like the guy you look like, the guy that would actually be like part ownerofblack.com for like, Oh, yes, it's quite a surprise, but it's not like, yeah. You know, I'm just, I'm being attracted. I've turned, I've turned my

passion into your career. Join me. Can I ask what kind of thing you can see on Black Duck Fleeces? Beanies. I see beanies all right. I kind of think it's absolutely battered apart. Beanies. The kind. Of thing you'd see on browsers, but just one category essentially. Right. OK. And what's your category into the other than? Blacks I'm not really this is the thing genuine. I know I have the look of a masturbator, but like I really am. I'm not a big. I'm not into port at all.

Saying that you you're just looking to let loose. Have we chill? What sort of? Am I really going to talk about this? Yeah, yeah. This is good. If anybody from work sees this now, go to the office. All right, now you know what I want to. Be like Alan, we need to talk to you about your Internet history here. You told this black.com was where you buy your fleeces, no? Like, I'm currently on my lunch.

I have to go back. If anybody's watching this, they're like, there he is, the man who loves black.com. Like, can you shut up now? I'm doing a presentation. You know, like. You got a good imagination, Things that have happened or things that could happen. Do you know what I mean? Both. Why not? You know, I mean, that's, you know, or. You can remix memories as well, you know. You. Probably put Missy Elliott into it or whatever you would like.

Dan, what do people think is going to I don't ask you first of all, sorry to started sexual. It. Won't be like up for the rest until 1:00. But what I'm saying is what do? What can you see be in the next big thing? See, this feels like it's tone a dime, but I'm going to say I don't know what the term for this is. Fuck. Bum bum wanking like, you know, no, you know, like like like you not she just my her mothers watching me like.

What when you're pump like it? Oh, actually suppose that too. So I shouldn't, you know, no like like. I've always wanted to ask what is bum wanking? Like like using, oh God, just go on using the bum as like a hand, like the curve, the crack of the bum, like between the cheeks. So you're not you're not going in or anything. You're just like kind of kill yourself. No, do something else you've got right.

So hypothetically, you and me, you're going to bum like, oh so like by the way, that it means is outlawed under the Geneva Convention against war crimes like a tip wank with the bum crack. I said you meant wanking your own bum. I mean, you do, what do you grab? Like, I don't know, like flicking your bum holders, like spitting stuff in your own bum. I'm not even here for five fucking minutes. What happened? So so you're saying yes? So like a tit wank? But with the bum.

Right. And is it going to be like all the different, I mean you? Can't, but I'd recommend. It can't be a lesbian thing really, but so I. Could, but you know what I mean? Yeah. So it'd be more do you reckon it's a heterosexual thing or a gay thing, or a bit of both or? Both. Why not? Would you? Incorporate anything with that. Like what if you get a few years, you could do it in a wee run. Like if it was, if it was again, you have like 5 like back-to-back, but what got the backs on?

Here's what you could do at the front, brother, if you lined it up properly. Slip and slide kind of thing. If you lined all the boys up, you could slide from one through 5. If you were pushed, you'd need another two guys. What, like a fucking pushing? You'd need someone to pull. Yeah, like a like a gay could run. Like, like a human spunky peed like. Yeah, like a Knobsleigh. Yeah, yeah. Jamaica's right and good at that, actually. On black.com also.

Wouldn't need pushed. Yeah, I could see Bomb Wank being big. If it's a big bump. But then what's to stop you just wanting to put it into the bum? Well, if I don't know about you, but then it goes again is enough for it to happen. They also have to want it to happen, Dave. They can't just go well I want to put it in. Dave can't. Just bomb wank if they don't want you to do that either. Equally as. Well, I'll say, but I could.

See a scenario where somebody's like you can bomb wank me, but you can't bomb me. That's. OK. Well, then I would be like, OK, that's fair enough. The way you'd imply. Oh no. No, no, no. I just imagine if. You could do that thing, you'd be that bastard doesn't things like oh it's fine. And then you'd be off with her for over 2 days. I know. Yeah, yeah, don't worry about. It's fine. I'm going to go to the traditional bomb wank, sticking things up my bomb law.

It's fucking lunchtime. Oh yeah, and Daddy's hungry. Please never call yourself daddy, ask to God. What about all you know? I thought 2025 was a year of the snake, not the bomb. Wine you. Know what he hates? He hates the voice. We do. Oh, I hate it, I hate it. I hate it. I'll. Set a voice. No, no, I'll be like you hate Danny. You don't like? It no you'll do like 2 minutes in normal. Chat and then they'll go oh daddy. Give us your best. Oh daddy. Oh, Daddy. I'm leaving.

I can't. Oh yeah, I was here for black.com, but I'm not here for that boy. Dan Harris with what suggestions people think going to be big this year? Very few things will come in ghost. Ghost sex is one thing that's coming. I'm not. They haven't explained it right. 100% can see this being a thing if it's not already. Yeah, but there are people that have sex with Ghost. Stanley that Leaf has a whole song about that. But he doesn't actually.

He doesn't claim in real life. Well, he's got the inspiration to write the song. For I think that just started as an excuse for ectoplasm. You know you're like I was a ghost in here writing me. Yeah. It's a great execution. But is it? Do you think it's like a specific ghost of someone sexy who's died or do you think it's just? Oh, no, I think, I think it's just a generic sexy ghost that lives in your house, you know, like a Victorian ghost.

You're like, oh, you've just got a petticoat on, you know? You're like, yeah, you know why I think that's horny, but yeah. What are you actually though? You're not getting any friction or anything. No. But also it's literally not happening. So are you just lying there with an interaction going Yeah, and nothing's touching. Yeah, hold on. Are you the ghost or the guy there?

Pardon. I'm the guy or the ghost in Lazo. Oh no, but then the ghost can just pass through walls who shouldn't can pass through. Penises. Penises. Can Ghost pick things up? I don't know Ghost Guster, but scoring Poltergeist, yeah. Yeah. Move my cock just slightly to there and then back, and then slightly to there and then back and then. Slow Altergeist. Haltergeist. Yeah, there you go. Maybe that's what you could.

Pull their gashes so. See, if you're lying in bed and you feel like a tickle in your bum cheeks, you'll know you're being getting a bum. Given a bum job there ghost. No, you're just receiving a bum wine from a. Good. Oh yeah. So no. So you aren't the receiver, are you? Because you're not getting anything. If I feel a tickle of. My bum cheeks that I'm the receiver. You're not getting anything from the bum wanker. Yeah, you know what, Dave? I'm not such a selfish lover.

I could do things that just in the moment aren't about me. Oh well, you're not my kind of guy then. But he'd be having fun. Yeah, you. Probably not getting that sensation you're talking about, but. Right you'd be if I stand up. Can you rub your finger on my bum cheek just so I can feel all the senses? There is actually no word on which that's going to. Happen. Just pretend you're a ghost. Yeah. Doesn't even. Jay says. Armpit winks. That's that's, that's been

around for a while and. I. What? Yeah, no, that that's the thing. It's it's a thing. No, not for me, thankfully, but for armpit knee. That's very much hardcore Christian teenagers. You know, it's it's not sexual because it doesn't involve the meshing of genitals. Come here. Let. Me tell you something, I used to work with a guy told us in the

pot a long time ago. I used to work with a guy ages ago, and he was telling me he was dating a Christian, and he's a little bit of a Christian himself. And he's like, yeah. He's like, she's not them. We're probably like 17 at the time. He was. She won't let me like, you know, have sex with her. Like, she's just not up for that. So fine. And I was like, I was like, all right, yeah, just just want to wait. After marriage, He's like, yeah, yeah. And I was like, but of a

nightmare. He goes, yeah. He's like, she'll only let me. Do you know, like, that's it. I was like. Because the bomb wank hadn't been invented yet. But he was making out like. That's normally just hold. I have heard of that right? But like. But surely God doesn't. But he don't want you do not like. Of. Course not really. What? What the fuck? Hold on, Alan. Alan, take it back. All right, he's, he's real if you believe in him or Israel, like who's that? God?

Who is it? If you believe in him, he's real. Who's that? I'll, I'll drop that Fred Alan here. You look like youth minister who's gone rogue and gone off a reservation. Start. I know I was trying to warn jumpers. Yeah, you start a. Podcast what this actually looks like. It looks like you use it or two youth pastors and I'm an ex paramilitary. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Never talk to me about the danger of drugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever tried a bomb wank, Sir? Good Lord, no.

But so let me get this straight. They're saying that they have anal sex. But because they can't have P&V. But then he allowed to have boobs involved as well. Or just no, I'd say. So. I don't think I would be too keen enough anal sex. I wouldn't fancy it, right? Yeah. Thanks dear. Yeah, anyway. John, you've been doing a gig recently. Or. Not really. Actually. I've got a bit out of a three weeks off. It was great. Did nothing. Apart from wank.

You have a, you have a big year coming up. Did you? Talk about that, New York can I? Talk. Yeah, go ahead. Alan Irwin is going to be Daddy. Literally. He's literally going to be Daddy. And I hope your child has that affliction in their voice where they do say that. When they sound like a 30 year old. Daddy, I love you, Sandy. You're doing this. You're doing the daddy. Club I'm doing the Daddy club, but not that club.

Not doing that. Or maybe that's the thing that's unlocked through Father is that voice. Yeah, that's why I think that's why you're dressing code. I think you know you're going to be people are going to try and put you in that naff dad category. So you're resistant about your. Stress fans dressing, kind of just wearing white socks. I said you look good, actually. I appreciate that. She. Yeah. Yeah. Baby Stew. End of May, that's all happened. Babies to the enemy. Do you?

Do you love it? Yeah. The whole concept of it like. Yeah, I mean, I, I think I, I've got dad energy, you know, and we're having a girl and I feel like girl dad energy as well. Are you reading any books or anything about it? Or I have a book that's sitting unloved and right here. Come on. What a what a page Turner. I've actually got the illustrated version to read to the baby. Yeah, I haven't actually started the book. It is there, but I, I, I, I read quick.

I'll I'll post that off whenever. Do you do anything like you talk to the the bump? Yeah. Although I I thought that I would find that very natural, but I really don't. Yeah. It's it's very well. Imagine you're the voice back from the other side. Oh, if we could do that, that'd be so funny. If I could plan with Brona. Just hide under your bed.

Hello. See, I would like, I like to give you fuck sake, maybe you getting, you know, one of those teddies when you squeeze the hand that like says the voice, your voice if somebody's died or something and you just change it to that. I'll be really good. I will get you as a gift. What sort of that do you think would be? I. Pushover would be a stern guy. I, I think I'm going to be, I'm going to be the not fun parent. I can already feel it, you know,

I'm quite an anxious person. So you know that, Manifest said. No dude, the way I ask. Yeah, respect. Very important. Do you think respects important manners are a big thing as well? I'm very big in my manners. Just I was a joke. I'm very big in my manners for the kids. I don't let them leave the table until both of them are finished. They've asked to leave the table. Yeah, it's good. Yeah. What if it's way too much food? Well then, they just on both of them have agreed they've eaten

enough. Oh, here, let me ask you this. That's. Fair. Divide screens at the table. No, yeah. Well, well, well. If it's one on their own, I'll let them, right? Yeah, you say screens, you mean like? Watching YouTube or watching. I see it at a restaurant. Dot com yeah, out is different. Not against it, but it can't be like you're not sitting like this the whole meal. If like we're all eating, there's load going on the restaurant.

I'll put a screen on like on a phone and I can sit on the table and you can sort of glance at it. But like you've got to be sociable with everyone. But like, there's sometimes where you literally need it. Oh yeah, I could. Well. Be so like. Oh, I'm well aware that. I mean, remember, I'm talking with us. You get your fellow like highfalutin plans about what kind of parent you're going to be and then then you go, oh fuck. The reality is it's easier just

to compromise all this. And people, people give you so much advice and like the only advice is just don't take anyone to do everyone's advice because you get told you get told fifty ways to do one thing just based on that person's what works for you. You know, also, just don't be afraid to tell people to give you advice to fuck off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's gonna take to do. Fuck off. I'll figure it out. You know, that's because I really. I didn't read any of the books I was given.

I just have my own mantra. That was it. What? Was your mantra. Check it back. Yeah. And that's what we or how we deal with it. But then when I did I read the dog training book and I actually got more parent than advice from training my dog. See, parents don't. Like but you want to see him talking to his daughters. But no crate. Crate training the dog that was think crate training the dog if it barks, so you put him in his crate to get him used to where

he's going to be staying. Obviously the bark. No, no, just eventually. But whenever they're they're whining you, every dog barks or cries every time you go to it. He'll be like ah. If I cry then I get attention. So you're you have to ignore it till you start and then when they if they stop for like 10 seconds then you go and let them out. So they learn that it's quiet. He gets them out of the. So that's what happened with Matilda initially, because with Holly, every time she cried, I

was like, I can't leave her. Oh my God, I can't do it. And then eventually we had, we need to let her settle herself to go to sleep. And with Matilda, she cried one of the nights and eventually settled herself. She's been a class sleeper ever since. She's a baby all night most of the time. See, parents don't tend to like when you say babies are like dogs, but there's a lot of similarities. Yeah, but then a lot of parents A. Dog will never let you down the same way.

That's right. But you know what? Another thing A. Little bit that'll be great to say to your daughter when she's older. A dog wouldn't have let me down like this. A dog wouldn't have put me in this home, you know, whatever. When you're 43, yeah. But if you apply the same law logic though what you do to a dog to a human, you get too old. They would have you murdered. Yeah, instead of going to. I could see him, I could see you going to Dignitas early doors.

Oh, here. No. As soon as like, like, you know, even before I've had the test, if I find something I asked me, I'm done. Yeah, fuck it, what's the point? I love your on the tech because it's a bit of material you do but you're bit of material. But if the world was if you found out, the world was going to end. Oh, it was ever. I don't know. What would you do with your last day on Earth? I'm like, get an early night. Let's get this show in. There, you know.

What? I mean fuck it, who cares for it? I could just say if we were on a plane and they were like it's going, I could just see you just getting there, getting the headphones on. We've been a lighthouse family, no bother like. You know, the sort of guy would be like, there could be a drama here and you jump by the plane and then they'd be like always fixed it. He's dead. But I know even when people say to me like, what's your plan for the zombie apocalypse? I'm like, die immediately.

I don't want to fucking live there. I don't like living anywhere. There's no good Wi-Fi. I'm not going to hang around a zombie apocalypse. See, I do by about season 7 of The Walking Dead, you're like I did just kill myself and I. Yeah, because it's arduous to be alive and that isn't it. And then they find a wee bit of hope. They're like a new village and they're like everyone's mental here and killing people anyway so. Down with a question please.

Yeah, Karen says Little is opening a pub in Dundonald. What supermarket would be best for a night out? Well, tell me more about this. So they're opening a pub in the in the supermarket. That's very European. Investing 400 Grand fed a new insort pub which will operate alongside an off sales area. Very, very. Careful that car park. Fuck me. I said you're a driver. I said European. I mean, American. Yeah, there's a lot of like those big, like maybe not Whole Foods.

There's another chain and when you go in, there's like a food, like sit in deli, almost like a bit of a restaurant and a bar. And I think it's for that traditional thing of like, get her off to shot you. Pick me up back here, love. 2 scoops. Imagine how disgrace we'd be for absolutely gargled a little. Imagine taking someone for a first date there. Because yeah, is it going to like close at the normal time? Right. Come on for a few pints. We'll be home by half seven.

Like yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know. I Where's that? In the old instantly. Actually the best pub in the whole place. Yeah, like, yeah, like no harm done Donald, but that that is not a you know, I don't go. Fuck isn't done, Donald, but definitely have to go now. I can't see isn't dying. Never mind. I can't see why you'd want to have a painter. Is this a scenario where you go

I'm doing the shopping here? Are the staff going to be like the little stuff for the like, throw the drink at you as quickly as possible? Yeah. You know, I don't even acknowledge your presence. I mean, it'll be interesting to see. I'd like to because, I mean, I don't ever want to drink a supermarket anyway. Yeah, no, never. Weird, like sometimes you have a wee drink when you go around, like if you're really thirsty a bottle of water and then pay for

it at the end. Like imagine you just went. Around see, I don't do it. No, I used to work in a civil. I hate people doing that. I don't mind whenever somebody's like my child is acting up. Here's a packet of cruster to the multi just to distract them. But when like a 50 year old man goes oh couldn't control myself you actually could do your fucking prickster. Just if you could. He's like, he just gives you the box of jurors. He's just couldn't handle myself, sorry.

The boxers, yeah. Was the question there Like what other supermarket? Yeah, what would be the best supermarket to open a pub in? I mean, Sam an S, isn't it? No, because we're talking about a pub. I was thinking about that a wine bar and. Yeah, yeah. Point accepted. Yeah. I think. If we're talking pub and Tesco's will know what you want out of a pub. Right. To be at the ASIO bar though, wouldn't it would just have everything by the brand? Yeah, there are no like little

niche things, I think. What's your? Favourite like all drink. I can eat gin and tonic, yeah. What gin if you had to pick? Attacker A, number 10. She. A little bit of Monica in my. Rock song. Nobody does at the end of that disturbance machine what? Does Lou begging do then? Disney and I imagine this. Could somebody back me off here? Moment of five. Wow. Somebody comments, he does, and then he goes. Maybe. I'm aware that every time I do it, it sounds different. Thing we vote.

Maybe he's just thought the end. He's realised how he's objectified so many women and he's just gone. I'm disgusting. I am disgusting. David yes, she. Sure. What's your number one alcoholic drink? Undefeated #1. It's a. Can I give you a scenario? Sorry, can I give you a scenario just? Add on to this. I didn't get a scenario that makes you feel fucking special. Same question for the three of us. We're approached by Reebok that has none do anything else in

this scenario. The CEO of Reebok is watching this podcast comes up. There she goes. Boys. I need used to go out to Atlanta tomorrow. I don't know why. It doesn't matter what we're doing. You know, it's so weird. I thought the lost city of Atlantis, and you said that was really a totally different element, though may not come back. I want to use in. Georgia. Yep, I want used to Dave. I want used to go. I got you there. Oh yeah.

I want you to go out to Atlanta, he goes we corporate gig for Reebok. I want used to fly out. You have a day to yourselves and then the next day is the gig and I'll fly you home. With great money. We get to Atlanta. £500 six. PM their time, right? Whether we're talking 18 degrees, 20°. I can't be this off top of your hands. Very very very light breeze. We walk to we downtown area we find a rooftop bar. Really nice background music on. No, for a start, I don't like a rooftop bar.

You bring me to rooftop. I don't like rooftop bars either. No. I'm you're one of these guys was I like sit in the corner of a pub and just have a chat. By the way, let me point out I took him to a rooftop bar once because we were in Tenerife. Oh well, no, Tenerife different. Took me to a rooftop bar. As in. New York. I didn't leave that. Well, I didn't leave that. That was great. Excuse me, You said this is the best until you've ever been and you stayed there if you like.

We have to go here. That's right. I didn't leave that. I did leave that. Yeah, New York. What time of year did you just go to New York? May. May but then I to be fair, I was like this will give you the view of Manhattan to be fair. But there's no other way to see a view of Manhattan, you know? It's not it. OK, we're inside, Dave, but there's doors open. OK. Barman. Barman comes up to you. We've been, we've been travelling. You know, we're tired, but we're

not, we're not knackered. We're just that we've been tired. Barman comes up and he goes. Guys, here's the thing with this bar. We have every alcoholic drink in the world. Any beer, any spurt, anything at all you want, we have it in the collection. What do you? What would you like? I mean, there's a lot of different factors the way up there. You've given us a big scenario I've. Given you this, now what? Drink.

We if I if I'm feeling my most joyous in the whole way, but I want the nice I want, I want the pint against for field days. That's my favourite. You're not in 50s, you're at a bar in the land. Against you just in America yeah, there's no. Point it's going to be shit over there. I don't want that, so let's see if I'm on holidays, I'm feeling a wee bit get it. I'll just go for a nice pint of beer, but. If France or if every beer in the world?

Any type I was in Tormolinos in September and cruise out of panic cruise Campbell. It was like the nicest thing I drank all year. Not because it was particularly. Great was it in a nice. Glass it was in a nice guys out on. The beach ice glass we had, yeah, that's. Yeah, and a hot day. I go. You know what? Listen, just give me a pina colada. Come on. Pina colada from Cocktail. Do you know what we're going to do? Cocktails. I don't know, but sure, we've

everything you're. Going to say if he put his head in the fire. Where's your manager? I am the manager. Attitudes out of order. I'm going to go to another pub. This door, this pub with the doors open, it's warm and draughty. I don't like it. Your attitudes cold as well. Can I be honest, I'm under pressure because I've bought in every drink in the world and it's not financially viable or stockrooms not big enough. I just need you guys to order.

You're having the pina colada. Then I'll have a I'll have a really good Merlot. Whatever. Oh, so we're on the wines now? Well, give me a nice mile back then too, for after the pink allergies of the boys. And if a new cocktail out of a Bramble. It all depends on the circumstance. Drink in a cocktail. But you, I want to know your answer because I don't know. Do you really even enjoy a drink? I don't think because I don't do it very often. But you would that make sense

for a whole pub experience? Like would you do an afternoon in the pub or would you have one drink and then you disappear off into the night like Rumble? Say if we're away, I'd want, I'd want to do activities like I'd have one that's. The opposite of what I want to do. I want to sit in my hole for a week. Yeah, cocaine absolutely. Bomb wanked off. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to have a cold glass of Orchard Thieves with one giant ice cube in it because when we were in near. Torn giant ice.

Cube seen near Tormolinos. There was a beach sidebar once the weather was unreal and they had like a wee small thing. We draught thing of orchard thieves and they give you like a whiskey type glass, a big block of ice and that orchard thieves in it unbelievable if we're out a cocktail. Talking to Summersby, though. I'll have a Mohito. Fancy Summersby and the cops and all €1.20 or something. Mohito would be my cocktail. Yeah. Like a Bramble. I'm a hero by the way.

Sounds to me as a majority accent as well. Mohito. Mohito can have a Mohito. Dan, we have a question, please. I want to know how do you feel if your kids wanted to follow in your footsteps and do stand up, would you encourage? The first thing to do is get them on a good antidepressant because that's like, that's like 90% of comedians, you know, like you're there. But there's a general sadness that might want to do stand up

soon. Let's get them to the doctor, you know, I mean, I don't care, whatever. Would it be weird though, if they like, eclipsed you completely, you know, and then you're just, no, you're just the start of the Wikipedia article. But you know what? I don't know whether people are different. No, I don't think anything I've ever done has compared to the pride and joy I felt and watching my kids do something well, like I watch Holly dance that was proud of that than

anything I've done. I know some of us may be more proud of what they do themselves, but. You think I'm more proud of what I do the more my. Kids, I don't know if you'd rather like your kids. Like would you like if one of your boys played football for Man United? There'd be a bit of you'd be like a wee bastard. I'd love this on that. Look at the season ticket though. True. Ball. What the fuck in the Ratcliff in charge? You wouldn't even get a freebie. I am.

I resent that you're being facetious. Who's playing devil's avocado? No. Would I be like, God, I'd love to have done that, yes. But I would be more happy for some people. But if he missed the chance, I'd have said. But that was me. If your son was to say I don't know what he's into, like say he was in the horse racing and he became a jockey. Yeah, yeah, you can find my 4 year old son in the pub right now going through the racing.

Post you don't know if he ended up being a really good jockey you'd be like 2 shoulder SSE. 5. Alright, but you know, it's, it's a weird thing. You don't know what until you see them do stuff, you know what I mean? Like I think. By the way, you get proud of like you're saying about like that like dance in the competition things I got of course, but then there can be everyday things where you're like you said, thank you, that person is brilliant, you know, like.

We stuff, but it's just a thing too that you just whenever they don't embarrass you, you're like, oh, thank God, yes, that's the thing, like your behaviour is good in front of people. Thank God, yes. There's so much Brett, like we're hospital at the minute. My youngest son, even this morning, he obviously they keep because it's a respiratory thing. They keep putting the stethoscope on his chest to listen to his chest and he they

just don't want to be bothered. And he just sort of sat there and let them do it today. And he got the one on his back without giving off. And I was like, Oh my God. What a guy. What a hero for not having a full meltdown because someone prodded near you. But I also think you need to be honest to your kids to let's see if they're shite. And I want to be a comedian and be like, listen, you don't want to do that. It's not. There's not nothing for it. You're a. Hack.

Yeah, but you could. You could probably be bad at something and do it as a hobby. Yes, but that's the difference. If you want to pursue it as a career, you have to be. Yeah, but like, I mean, you could still, you know, you could be somebody just the odd like open mic. Yeah, but that's what I always don't get about. People do, but. That'll not be way better than what we do. Well, no, because most of the people have a terrible job that they do find as a like.

If you could do that and not work, yes, perfect. Or like if you were like had fallen off a scaffold or something, got a big clean. Oh, you're a billionaire or something? Yeah. Oh, I could do that. That would be the least relatable stand up in the. World imagine being like aching all day every. Day, but you get to do 5. They're a good production team that you're working with. Aiken Yeah, you'd be delighted. But I don't know if if you could

be any other job than comedian. What would you like your dream job would be? Fuck, I don't know. I don't really. I'd love to not work. So what is the porn? Creatordop@black.com Content creator. I'd like to work in radio and somebody like as a producer or something, I think, yeah. Yeah, what about you? Porno. A porno Porno guy. Yeah, I love that you you'd like to be. You don't do have the air of like a Swedish porn star. I could say it. Yeah. Yeah, just underhand.

That's German. Also, you're not called Deuce underhand. What I would like to do discover bands, but I don't quite the live gigs. You just give me a load of CDs and I'm like, that's right, Maker the make or break dreams like artists and bands I would like to. See, that's the opposite of what? Like, I know enough music now, I don't need to know anymore, you know what I mean? I've got enough that I could have a playlist that rotates and I don't repeat songs too often and.

It was the last band, artist or song you discovered that's kind of new where you were like. All right, OK, Well. New to me. Engelbert. Humperdinck. Yeah, yeah, Brilliant. This guy's going to be a star. The, you know, there's that song we had a minute by Willow, you know, like Willow Smith. Yeah. And I was like, that's a fucking banger. And it's not normally the sort of thing that I would like. I normally think stuff like that shite but I was like it's good. Right.

Wait a minute, you know. Just said that you're not what maybe you wouldn't fucking go on slap Chris Rock with? It. Wait a minute. Yeah. Did they? Sabrina Carpenter. I only have heard of espresso. Oh fuck, he's travelling. Hard to go, yeah. Banger, I already know that through you and stars. Yeah, but like, that is a banger.

Well, I'll tell you this, when I've done the shows down South recently, I've been trying to put up on Instagram to go with all the pitch picture class thing, a song by someone from that town or city. And it was easy. And they're starting to get more difficult.

When I take Kilkenny, I was like, I don't know who's from Kilkenny. I looked it up and there's a guy called Robert Grace and I thought he sounds like someone who'd been knocking over The Dubliners in the 70s, but he's like, probably younger than us. And he has a song called Casper, and I just put it on reels to see what it was like. Obviously unbelievable. Yeah, guys like rapping and singing and the production. By the friendly ghost.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, my friends, I'll call me Casper because it goes them all the time. Fucking brilliant. So I just discovered that by sheer challenge, and I think the guy's great. I followed him. It's going to fall me back. Yeah, well, I didn't do that. I don't. Follow, I do, I got a really cool followed by yesterday, but because like it's been like, do the hospital shift, go do this, go back to hospital, do the gig, go back.

Everything's all over the place. And I didn't know whether I dreamed it or whether it happened. But Evan Ferguson, the Brighton and probably garden centre. Follow me on Instagram. Can you die and ask if he's going to move to Arsenal or not? Yeah, I like that. I like that an. Exclusive for the team with me. I got followed by a landscaping company yesterday and I was buzzing for that wasn't I love we've been a manually.

You look like this sort of guy who would comment on Instagram pictures from landscape companies and write things like cracker job mate. Yeah, best in the business. No, it's such a weird thing to say. We see when you say to anybody that does anything, keep it up. Yeah, You know what you do? Because. It's literally like. Yeah, like if they come and see you do stand up. I was great, Sir. Keep it up. Yeah, I have no real choice.

Yeah, I have to, yeah. But I love good like see, with having worked on in the house when you see the boys do a good job. I bet he goes Oh I, that's fucking class. My girlfriend from me the other day, there was guys in the bottle wardrobe and they're peddling it. I wasn't there, but she fooled me and she was. Alan, that's what. That looks yeah. So I'm having a bit of trouble

here, right. And so basically what she did was she went she offered them the customary cup of tea expecting stop thinking something almost going to happen, right. So she offered them the customary cup of tea and and think, you know no one. They would say no. It was like a 20 minute job, you know? You know what, leave it. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Fucks. Sorry, sorry. No, it's no, it's my own fault. I'm hoisted by my own petard. It's also Courtney around this thing.

And so she went, they'll say no. And then they went how do you had love a cup of tea And then but we didn't have any tea. That was a lie. So then she just went I no problem and then went and stood in the kitchen for 20 minutes by herself, desperately trying to think what the fuck am I going to do here? And she just came up with coffee and just pretended that that's what they asked for. See, I went the other opposite way. I end up saying the one the builder sweet you want cup of

tea and say aye. And then I was whipping a couple of bagels on the go. So I was like butter bagel and jam bro. And he was like aye. And we. Snore. Bagel and jam. We snub on the duvet here, brother. Where does this end? There we bomb. But I got enough fat. If you do a good job, that's curtain and then the bedroom. Bum wank me, Bum wank me. I'm the recipient of the bum wanker. At your eyes. Look, if you've you've varied at large. Yeah, he does. I mean, I'm getting the bum in

the back. You're you're you're not cake. You're on leavened bread. You know what? I. Mean I'm 2025 I love you to have a big fat so like. Maybe that's what I could do, Just squat lots of yeah, yeah. Don't even go up with 2025 suggestions for what it's going to be the year of sexually. No. Nobody's dropping the bomb mark that is like that is as good as it gets. Your your listeners a little bit sort of like coy. I think they're all practising bomb.

I was gonna say that's they got the idea. They went fuck, get in here. Quite. See if I imagine if this was on, like if this was a mudblood, I imagine there'd be rings and rings of The Dirty perverts. Daniels. And that was the Williams list, yeah. Yeah, well, I'm sure. Well, he knows. Well, he's done a bomb like 1000. Percent. I'm such an idiot. I was just about to go because you said Willy and that went in my head. I go bomb Mike. What about a Willy wank?

And I'm really I'm just a wank. He's been around for a while. Tradition. I didn't. David never experienced that. And he's like, what? If. What if somebody because put my penis in their. Hands. I went to school with fella and he was always a bit weird sexually, like a member. Once he said that it was snowing outside and he thought this is a perfect opportunity to jump his neighbour's fence, hide behind a tree and have a wank the same guy because he's never had a wank in the snow before.

But why do you have to go to his neighbours? Because he don't want to do it in his own garden. It's desecration. But it's fine. Doing somebody else's work literally becomes a crime. So he did a. Cry, but I remember he always used to tell me another thing he did. He goes, you should try this now a game being health and safety guys, like I'm not going to do it. He was like, you take the bit of your pillow just the end because

you can't fit the whole thing. You put and your pillow into the door hinge and then you put your Willy in and then you pull the door closed a wee bit and then you hump it. I was like, but if you slip and you put, you're cutting your your top of your Willy off and your belly. That's someone who needs that level of like, doing that in a neighbour garden. He needs to maybe get caught. Yeah, you know. Yeah, because is he doing that in his neighbour door frame? Like is he breaking?

No, his house, his fellow. It's not weird, it's just his own door. Oh, that's fine here. How about it? What people get you whenever use the other thing, what people get up to in their own houses, their own business. Sometimes it's not. That's not OK. Because we, I remember once when I was working in the Housing Executive, we had a tenant who was this neighbourhood. Nice part Yeah. David Talent. He he this nice little old lady you'd go into and she'd be like, why I need to move because my

husband died. No. And this house frightens me and I miss it. And I was like, oh, God, love her. You need to be bungalow to you. And she's saying so. Put her on list, this ghost. Keeps trying. To upset so that was fine because her husband the house was like. He's been me over the sink here. So for a month, for so much work, for such a poor payoff, but he like had the stair lifting all put on. It was an old house sort of in Belfast.

And when I got her moved out, no, I got a storage, she was like, thank you very much love. And I see no bother at all. And then whenever the maintenance boys went in to clear the attic, bags and bags of sex toys, there was a sex swing for em all. Like dildos galore. Like it was like P Daddy's house. Do you think he was hiding them from her? They no, no, no, she was hoisting him up in the sex swing and whatever. No.

What age would she be roughly? Probably 75, no. You don't think 75 year olds do something like that? Or have done. Stuff like that. Even like like Dan, you know us all, both pokes home riddled with STI. Like apparently there's shagging flat out in them. Oh yeah, there's a thing like this not to be getting the. Thanks. Involved. Please tell him to be with me. OK, right this. This is the most I've ever laughed at anything ever. Well, don't hype it up like

that. That's a terrible start to the story. OK, so basically a friend of a friend's grandda went into home, right? And he had, and you know, I don't know if he's a touch adventure or whatever, but basically he, he was a bit of a lothario. So he was banging all around

him, right? So and they all folks and they all folks, I think it was obviously all consensual, but he was like the middle of the night getting up and going into an or woman's room and like, you know, getting into bed and whatever. So we need to stop this. So he has an artificial leg. So they, they, they, they took the leg away when he went to bed, and then he crawled. I think something out of a horror. It's a hard on. What do you try to crawl with a hard on and?

Also, you don't have the second leg to put. The value forward. So you, so you. I don't know if it was in the Army at one point or something to learn how to crawl. I don't know, but yeah, so. Man, just sloughing it into people's rooms. At that point, you're fucked. Clamber up in the time you would. Crawl to the room. You'd be like, you may get on top because I got no energy. My brother, not just up. OK, well hold on, hold on, hold on. How many? How many 80 year olds do you see hopping?

Hopping. Like I think he had a Walker stick for fucks sake. He's only going to hopping. He's going to walk. A stick because he's. Got the use of his arms? Sticks from your legs. Oh. That's so fun. He's like fucking Solid Snake. Actually, quite literally something. I have a horror. He's here. The ladies loved him. And you know. What? He's probably digging up the carpet with his heart on, too. Dragging it to be so sore. One piece of the guy very quickly but like there's a trail here.

You went this way. That's. Great. If I was him, I'd have just hopped in the commode and wielded myself. But what's the issue? Why? Did he just stop him doing? It, well, I think the issue is that if everybody in the place has dementia, you can't really definitively say that everybody's all right with it, even though in the moment they are, you know? Yeah. Yeah, and this guy's willing to

crawl. Also, I don't think it would look great on you can already hear like holding on like orgies in a nursing home, you know, you can hear it, you know. And. End up sort of like maybe mummy's been a nurse six months and not as much as a lingering grants. It's a fucking disgrace, you know, like like they're not involved in the orgies people to be upset, you know what I mean? Maybe.

Your mum's thinking, but I mean seeing here, stay here and stuff like that like that, it would make me the same. Your dad might want to go into one. Yeah, yeah, he'll. Be he'll. Be he'll be a day. Weirdly, as a day patient, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just come in for the afternoon games, you know? Even if they took away both of my dad's legs and arms, he keep rolling. Don't. I. Hear something which is equally stinking.

Catherine was telling me a story as I of course, when you're right a nurse, you ask like what's some of the math things you've seen? She goes there was a couple this woman was in she had a baby and while they took a baby away to like wrap it up and we bring it back. The dude was in the bed and they were going out just after having a baby naturally. Oh yeah, I've heard of that. Yeah, that's why, like we admit, you know what I mean. 100%.

Wait, it's so gross, but that guy I'd imagine when he had both his legs. Gone. All sorts. But there's probably. Like probably people in the worms and legs who do have sex. No, I mean those guys can't, but it would be a team. Effort. But also. They're not Well, I mean SAX is always a team effort. There's usually 3 is like. They're not crawling. Not if you're fucking a door I guess man True. They're not crawling through the corridors.

You know what? I. Mean no true you know that that that screams like rest of the devil, doesn't it? Like yeah, there's an anatomy and not called a liquor so. Can we have another question? Please before we do, can we give Patron a mention this Friday? Patreon.com/tea with Me podcast. Why this? Really. Waterfront Hall show with Willie

and Mickey will be out. Friday Oh Boy Live podcast from the Waterfront is going up there in all its glory, and it's Patreon exclusivepatreon.com/TV podcast And there's The Light. We do this every Friday. What we're doing today, there's tonnes of stuff up on there. Stars and rise, Are we going up there? Yeah, that'll be the next one. And Brexit to see that see this guy, see this guy, see this guy, What if I. Like a lot of you. We saw, I saw your lunch. Yeah, yeah.

If anybody wants to see my lunch on that day, you can watch Stars. How fun was that? Great crack, really. And I do you know what I was dreading? I was all ready to pull out to this before. I was like, I don't want to do this. Your first time? Yeah. I really didn't want to do it. Sex guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, am IA sex guy. We are not. I don't. Think I'm a sex guy? No, I mean not You're not a sex guy. Like the sex guy you told me was a sex guy. I don't know, comedian.

You're like that guy's a sex guy. I mean you're right, he is a sex. Guy sex guy, you know, give her you any. Sex guy Sex guy. If ever there were, this guy is a sex guy, right? Right. He would crawl through the what? Defines a sex guy. A guy who's the whole personality is I like banging, you know, those people. Oh, OK, OK. The whole life is sex. You're like, come on. Yeah. Watching film or something? Go for a walk. Yeah, yeah. Have a tea cake or something? Yeah, we tonic.

They kind of would be like, oh, I bought ghosts all the time. They love it. Yeah. The ghosts love it. I am see those people who go marry the ghost. You read all this is a common thing. A roller coaster? No. Is that a publicity thing, or do those people really exist? I think they probably do exist. But also, you know what people should do, Like journalists be like, Nah, yeah, well, I'm not coming to your house to listen to your weird shit. Yeah. You know. Someone, someone married

himself. I saw that. And they're like. Half and half them, yes. They did like they were a man and 1/2 of their body and a woman they'll have. So they're like bride's dress and then a suit and a moustache and then shaved it on the. Other side, I mean, that's an incredible feat of stitching, you know, like to get to make up. But other than that, no, that's mental. Yeah, that's mental. Yeah. Yeah, I just think people can be very strange, hard to hear.

Says the guy who suggested that the man who patented the bomb wink. Not a weirdo, but. He's bomb wanker, not me. Oh, that's right. I am bombing. I'm the Willy Wanker. That's my thing. Chuck. Chuck. They're underrated, you know what I mean? Yeah. The Willy Wank. I think people people talk about an old hand job like it's like, you know, the redheaded stepchild programme about a term. You know people like I shite the what? Are you? Looking at me if. You have red hair. That's right.

That's right. Well, I mean, what's left? But like, you know, I think it's great crack. It is. It's a way to pass a couple of minutes and I'll enjoy the. Way big shot over here couple of. Minutes. Did you stretch it out? Did they always stretches it out all? Right. That'll be odd. Like is that the foreskin? You're talking about this bottom. All right, OK. Did your did your pargo it?

No, not at all. We had nothing really with the one of the hanging baskets fell down because I forgot to bring it in. That's it. Whereabouts was that Lisburn or is that? West Belfast. Oh, I'm W now. It's W, not the that's W been blown down. That's W he has. West he has. Storm that's. West hanging baskets. I didn't fight with somebody once about hanging baskets.

Ever tell you this? No, I my job was to spend government money on things and I wanted to spend the money on taking a group of pensioners, the Alamos Fair and my boss was like, buy them hanging baskets. Anything there like? Instead of the lamisphere at the lamisphere. Buy instead of Lamisphere and like no, you should buy. Spend the money on hanging baskets. They'll last and I'm like, but so the memories. For now. So you're not a. Dead, but treat them to Marianne, you know.

But it took him the lamas and I gave him dinner and the Valley Castle, the marine court, Marine court. Yeah. Did you lead them? No, I expect I'd said the pipers, but pay for it all with the same money and they're like, you could have had 45 hanging baskets there. And I was like, well, they don't care about that. They care about a good day out. Pensioners prefer a good bit of scram. Yeah, they in the garden centre, yeah. I love it, I love it. And I mean, that's my one of my

life hacks. See, if you go somewhere to eat then there's loads of pensioners. Good. Spot Mckee's Farm Shop Craig outlet Have you been? No, but it is on my list. It is on my list of places. Good, yeah. Knots in Ards is another place that the pencils are good and any garden centre Donagher the garden centre is a great. Spot and do you know what they're they're happy with whatever. Oh no, incorrect. There has to be top quality or they'll kick off.

What's the other place they had in Warrenpoint? Was it the diamond or something? Or something. Yeah. It's like a like a stand up. It's Oh no, then it's not, but it's on the same St as the diamond. But it's like this week, like old fashioned like. Bow Bells in the. Donkey days one day. Yeah. Also meant to say to you too. Now this is a guy that loves a Spanish latte and they now do them in Costa Spanish lattes.

We were searching Spanish latte. Spanish latte is 1/3 coffee, 1/3 milk, and a third condensed milk. So it's like, it's basically like it's basically a dessert. All right, calm down. But it's fun. What I'm was. I had an article and. I'm convinced you dreamt this. This is a. Favourite I had an R to kill. Winner and ask for a spot. Sounds like a happy ending. Winner and ask for a Spanish lad. See what she gives you. I have an R to kill an ARDS and I went to this cafe and it was

in this fact that it was. On the In Ards they're doing Spanish lads. Over the years. So then I got and I got an egg nail sandwich. It's a great time as a stickiest boy, do you? Have any lunch? The dress to drive home, fuck you drive with the windows down. But and then from that day on, for about a month, I thought about the Spanish latte every day because I don't really drink coffee much, but like, it was like it was unbelievable. When I do.

And then I looked it up and I was like fuck, I'm going to go back. Is it open the day? And they've closed two days before. You were going to go to ARDS? Just for, I mean, I don't mind an ARDS shopping centre either, you know what I mean? So I could have had a great day to myself, but. You know what? I obviously I have public beef with arts to an extent because I'm a buyer guy, but Ards Time

Centre is tremendous. The shops, the cafes, the restaurants great and the pubs are not bad too Shred, the parlour and the spoons. I like arts, I just like people live here but it's fine. Scrabble tar. Lovely. I'm all right, Trump. Scrabble tar. Lovely. Yeah, the views. I'd love to go to the I just kind of get. Forward go give US1 underrated time. Village or city in northern? Ireland. Underrated where you're like this place is great. I'll go first. Eglinton. Oh yeah.

Yeah, excellent. I like Dundrum, Yep very little in it but everything and it's good. Chippy's good, few good pubs. Are you in the church? No of her is great. Brilliant. I don't say Cumber. I like Cumber too. McBride's on the Squares, a great weed pub. Oh yes, that's a great weed pub. And the I'm exterior braids on the square. That's a that's a pub. My favourite thing of them all. I love a Heron's Country fried chicken. Oh yeah. We super Chip. Yeah, Cumber, that sounds like a

nickname. Super Chip. You ever had a super? Chip. No. You'd love. It you'd love a super. Chip, there used to be a guy in Hollywood called Super Brick, and he's a bricklayer, right? Super Brick of flakery. Full name There's a guy banger who collects your bins or collects rubbish called. Is that true? Flusty super brick of flakery back in the day of the. Papers isn't there, Dave? Yeah. Is Dave right? Oh. Yeah. Well. There's somebody in. True. Ask your uncle.

Ask Uncle Bernard. Or that's I've made it up. Isn't there somebody? In Flusty text Uncle Bernard. And see if you can get a verification. Isn't there somebody in fuck's sake? This is like fucking Shutter Island over here. Freaking. Like you know about trash Bandicoot, don't you? The the like skips and stuff in Bangor but I've heard. Of Crash Bandicoot. Well, it's got. The Nobody cares about copyright in this business because it's just got a photo of Crash

Bandicoot on the logo. But because. What I have seen on a similar ilk was there's a brand of portable toilets called Rebecca Lose and I thought that. Was far too niche. Far too niche. If you're doing that, 2006 maybe. Oh, by the way, there's another. I actually, no, I can't say it'll tell you off. I can't because I got into trouble by this guy's kids before this guy had a business and I thought, oh, this is a funny business. I took a photo of it posted on my Instagram Stories.

And I you take that down and say our dad's business, He's been doing it for 30 years. You just advertise his business. No, because I was like, oh, I said something along the line. What kind of business? Give us a clue what sort. Of it's just like a repair business, but I put it up and Tiger now, then, now, then and then. Jimmy Salvo repairs. Something like that somewhere, somewhere, right? But. Then yeah, lovely, lovely. Boy.

Your mom, so you put. It but and then obviously since then I was like, Oh yeah, because this guy's totally reputable, great business, tremendous acumen, well respected in the community. It could have changed the demand in furnace like after after the stories. Archie is his name to Tim. Yep, Yep, Tim will fix it. But I'm but I that's not the business. I'm not saying that is what the business is called. Yeah, anyway. Timmy Savills, I don't.

Know I think Timmy Mallett he get the fun guy though remember he just lived here for like 3 months and was cycling around every. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But all the rounds, no, he's a good guy. He's nice. Oh yeah, Timmy Mallett is honest as gone. Yeah. Yeah, good lad. There aren't into your dog. Good guy. It's very good, guys. Anything you'd like to plug or promote or any passion projects? Any. Feelings. I am announcing a Wii show tomorrow for the 1st of March.

You just announced it. Well, I mean, I put it on sale tomorrow. That's what I'm trying to say. Thanks, Shane. That's your right to correct me. I'm I'm doing an R about EastEnders and I did it about five years ago and it was really good crack. Even actually a lot of people who went had never watched it and then really enjoyed the show because it's just like clips and like fucking it's good crack. You have Bradley falling off a roof in it. Absolutely nice one.

I've got all the terrible stunt. Work. Did I tell you about the time I accidentally fell in the Barbara Windsor's bath? She's. Fox. Yeah. Anyway, so look, follow me and. By the way, I remember the two sisters died in the wedding night. That's the worst thing I've ever seen, anything ever. Oh, what about the what about the time in in Subway when I accidentally a Barbara Winter sandwich? Get out my sub. Oh, there he is, the fucking the politician. The one I came up was terrible.

It's so tortured. Different time by the time Barbara Winter walked in and me bombing a baby bear get out of my cup. So ever hear about the time of Barbara Windsor burst into me when I was seasoning a chicken? Get my rub. Did I ever Barbara Windsor caught me with her with my penis in her wireless router? No, she said. Get out of my hub. Did you, did you ever hear about the time Barbara Windsor actually lost the norm? And I was. I. Got my knob. Oh, boys. Alan, you're announcing that

show. Where, where and when is it going to be? It's black box on the 1st of March, Tickets are only going to be a fiver. What? And it's an afternoon gig so you can get a nice day drunk. Brilliant. Or you drop the needle. First of all, have you scooted? Yeah. Have you scooted your way in? Yeah, Yeah, perfect. So 3:00 to 5:00 on the 1st of. March and your Your Wrestling podcast. The worst there was if you like bad wrestling or like hearing people talk about bad wrestling, go ahead.

It's good Crack where Dave was on an episode there recently. We had a great time. And since then, the fallen Angel Christopher Daniels has retired. So raise up an apple. Teen. He brought his Donuts and off of the recording. Yeah, don't see my fucking Donuts here. Oh yeah, and there's trouble about that too, because he's spilt don't over here. And he shouted at me. Fair enough. Actually, you are. You're absolutely right. Yeah, you're right to be annoyed.

What would you like to promote before I ask you that I feel like this has been there's been great fun. I appreciate I appreciate you covering me for the episode of Monday, but it's a special day, OK, because not only is it what day is it Wednesday it. Is Wednesday. Not only is it Wednesday, but it's the day of the birth of a special man. Very special. Special man that, A man with red hair. He likes to surf the waves on the web and he has a hard on

when he does. Both. Ladies and gentlemen, let's say happy birthday to Dan Happy. Birthday to you. Happy birthday. To you. Happy. Birthday dear doll, Happy birthday to you and many more. That sounds ominous. Dan, what are you doing for your birthday today? Not much. I'm going to grab some food tonight and do something at the weekend I think. That's a very official answer. Yeah, that's the most official thing I've ever seen.

What was nice was until you said his name, I wasn't 100% sure you were talking about me. And I was like, it's not my birthday. What's going on? Alan, what will you be doing for Dan's birthday? Celebrate if I'm from food with Dad, yeah. Why are you going? For food tonight, where does a man like Dan go for Tucker? Not sure, hasn't been decided yet. Have a look at your gift and you might get an idea. Here Cost is doing Spanish lattes now, Yeah. Oh. Yeah, looks like it's the old in.

Inside that there's just a packet of ham. And by the way, see if you're going the old in my friend, give me a ring up first. I've got to be residents. Discount carding bar off in the math for you. Where is the old in? Craftsman. Oh, OK, it's beautiful. Lovely, lovely spot. Beautiful Davey got married there. Yeah. I was at the web. Not at once. I was like, this is one of the rare times where the food's really good. You know, we'd use awareness, like, just because there's 200

of the same thing. Yeah, really nice. You'll make your spot. We went to, I'll say probably go have to go, but we did a rehearsal thing for days when and there was a cafe across the road and it's one of those great cafes that's like it's an initiative. So it's like people with disability. So I was like, you know what, everyone started and I was like, we'll go over there, we'll get some date and we'll be doing

something nice. And we went to, I brought like eight people over there and everyone's working there. And I said the server, I was like, get a table for you. And we were waiting for like way too long. And I was like, this might be one of the instances where you just ever see if there's any other cafe, you just walk out and be like, we don't have time. Everyone get back to work. And we did like, we left in like staggered groups. You know, it's like after you go, one of you go.

In case everybody thought you'd like threw the head up. Yeah, we realised when we got there. This isn't what I thought, but our idea was to go there, but then we just felt bags. We all have to go back to work and leave. I thought you were going to say about my mom. I'm glad you didn't. She boycotted in there. But you've just said that. Why? Because she thinks that maybe the guys that work there aren't too good at washing their hands.

So is that based on anything or? Just on prejudice, really. Guys. Yeah. Thank you very much for watching. We're back tomorrow at 11:00 AM. Slightly earlier tomorrow. All right, remember, because you have to go. Oh. Guilty. We had 10. 10. 10:10 AM with. Willie T and Bruna Diamond Willie T. And. Bruna Diamond, salt of the earth. Oh. Create. Trustworthy woman. Tickets for the SSE still available. Thanks for SSE 23rd of May. It's a Friday night. Bigger.

Better. Blocked. Boulder. Gives AB. Yeah, Booty.