Here you wouldn't see. Them. You wouldn't see them if you just lay there. You just go there. I don't think you understood why I was laughing. Why were you up? I said where you seen Snow Patrol? You said away from here, and I thought you did the purpose. I did all right. Oh, you were just doing another using Snow Patrol again. That was the joke. Do you mean the first time? Second time, first time I got it. Second time was just a genuine impression, all right? Overtime joke.
Oh, OK, so I thought that's the second time I was expecting a joke, which is why I said you wouldn't see them if you just lay there. But then you were looking at me like, why you doing that? Yeah, I know you were just second. I knew I just didn't love the joke. Oh, you didn't think it was funny? All right. Well, fuck you. No, but like, yeah, I just. Oh sorry man, sorry can all be fucking hits like no can all be new to means classic Mickey Barton jokes we.
Used to do that, you know what I mean? Like it was like Deaf Joe. Oh yeah, used to kill recently the corporate it has aged didn't work. The joke? No. And somebody went. That looks old as far as I know. It has aged like an Aboriginal shin. Indigenous. Oh yeah. Yeah, that's like you just said the N word. You're right, said the a word. Yeah. Umm yeah, people don't up to much better people don't believe you wouldn't say when do certain gigs in Australia the play a
message beforehand. Yeah, the BA system. Welcome to country or acknowledgement of country. Acknowledgement. Acknowledgement. Yeah, it used to be Welcome to country. And then the whites we're like, fuck it, what the what the Caucasians the uses really, I suppose. No, I just there was just accept the white and I couldn't. I knew it was offensive but couldn't figure out where it's from. What, what boy to those people, but they're but imagine that, but they're in Australia.
I think they're cracked up. And it was a welcome to country because they were like, how can you welcome us their own country? And then it was a whole thing. So they went into acknowledgement and as much as an important thing to do, fucking kills the crack before stand up. Yeah, it's like a minute long message. Yeah. Before I've just everybody there feeling guilty and you come out
fucking I free business. Yeah, it's it's an acknowledgement, but it like when I was doing the festival at Melbourne. Melbourne Festival, Yeah. Or, as we call it, just Melbourne. You have to. You don't have a support act, You're over there by yourself and that's your warm up. Yeah, message at the start and you can't come out and take the
best out of the the message. They, they also don't like when you take the piss out of so I was there the year that had had a vote about giving Aboriginal people, indigenous people, indigenous people, like, sorry, like a voice in parliament and they voted against it. And I used to, I was like, make fun of the fact that you play this whole welcome to country, like, aren't we great? And then those same people went, can we have an opinion? And you all went.
Now I might. And they're fucking fumed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're so angry. But yeah, you just get the standard. Like, I'm from Northern Ireland, we fix the world. Yeah. But it is. It is a real Auntie Crack. Auntie Crack. Hello folks. Knock, knock. It's me and Uncle Banter. Sit my nail, tell you a cigarette. Pops up. I fucking hate her. Yeah, yeah, Uncle Banter do. You have a do you have an auntie and uncle that are bantering correct? Like, do you?
You mean like as a jewel? As yeah or just. Like, no, probably not. No, probably not. Probably separately. But I'm not talking you're talking about a family jewel that walks in, you know, here you go. No. Do you? Yeah, and they've turned up to two of my gigs and heckled the whole way through it. And then whenever things went, we would better. Here, do you expect an auntie Crack and Uncle banter? I know you'd expect to shut the fuck up. What's the gig? What do you should have paid
them? You stay at the barbershop long enough, Will you get Erica? Yeah. Pass on my back and tell me it's been. That's true. I don't fart my nose and tell me you didn't. I know you didn't hurt. I watched the pucker. Parker Carlson. Right, so tell me about you, Cyprus. This episode of the Tea With Me podcast is sponsored by none other than that Price Guy. I'm talking about Ireland's largest price site, one of the prizes at the minute. That was just telling me, Is it a real trip?
Basically you go to your house and play football and stuff and ask him for Man United. I'm kidding. Rio in Brazil, not the capital Brazil, that's Brazilian. A lot of people think it's Rio de Janeiro, but it's not. That Price Guy is doing cash prizes flat out. We're talking about, you know, a few grand here and there right up to 50,100 thousand from time to time. There's £1,000,000 draws. He's made over 9 millionaires and they've given over, I'm going to guess at this point
over £140 million worth out. At the end of this month, half a million cash giveaway. Half £1,000,000 cash giveaway and I'd say a ticket for that down would be 7950. Currently it's reduced TO65P. Pence. Yeah, 65 pence. So I'm getting change out of a pound. You get 35 pence out of a point back. Jesuschristthatprizeguy.co.uk. The link is in the description. Let me also point to the way of our patreonpatreon.com/tea with Me podcast.
You're getting the bonus episodes, you're getting the live streams, you're getting all the specials. Plus it's like a five year archive there. We can go back and watch everything that we've ever done. Also the Kill Toddy specials on there. The the Boozy Big Golf will be going there exclusively.
pigeon.com/tea with Me podcast. I'm playing the SSE Arena in April 2026 with my show Hold Me Back and ticket sales are going really great for that and if you want to go you should get a ticket now you go and take a master of she and talk comedy.com for tickets for that. It's a brand new show. I think my tour will be out as well. You can Ireland tour and then there'll be a world tour announcement. Say world tour be the place I've
done before. Really few more bits out of then we'll have to cancel some I'm sure like I'm trying to gain in a few places and like I'm doing Paris and they said listen, just by you're not gonna make any money doing this. And I said I still like to do it. What about Milan? Milan I have probably given up on. I've probably given up on it, but there's some wild cards in there. She and talk comedy.com. It's really warm in here. I know I'm quite giddy. And you have the blood pressure
thing too. I don't. I have perfect blood pressure. No, you fucking do. You've seen your face. Yeah, my feet. You. Look like you're being strange I. Have a red, I have a red face right? But it's also it's because of of just pale skin. No, Peel's not red. The doctor, the doctor told me that the doctor goes to me, you have perfect blood pressure and I went. Louis says you've really low blood pressure. I said as that body goes, no, it's perfect.
I just wasn't expecting it because even the doctor was shocked by how red my face goes. So the doctor goes, your face is this red. I thought you're dying. No, the Doctor, when I thought you were going to fucking die in front of me, right. I was like, I'm alright, man. I think I was Cat. My face goes red when I get excited. Uncle Banter? He's Uncle Banter. You don't know. You go to family events. Well here comes fucking Uncle Banter. Shepherd's welcome turns up my
cool box. So they showed up to the gig. It was early days, I was when we first started stand up. They turned up at Gagan Lurgan, heckled the whole weather. Then their two kids turned up and joined in. I was meant to do I think 1015 minutes and I was on stage for 45 minutes just fucking slagging my well, like 150 other people were like. Was this on the when you and Sean did the Logan the world tour of Logan? No, it was whenever Sean ran a gig and Logan, it was the
seller. Sean Rank, Yes, Sean Rank gigs. He was, he was running gigs and holes in the hedges. Yeah, in car washes and every. Yeah. If it was a place in Logan, he ran a gig there. Yeah, whether the drive through McDonald's Sean was a standard and gig. And back then we didn't know it wasn't. But yeah, like, it took very little for us to be like his Class 40 grad like. I know that was like, because when he did the world tour of Lurgan, we did make a bit of money that week.
Just pass on a bucket round and you're like, you could do this everyday we class. That's right. But then, yeah, well, then you do a nice gig. The bowling alley one we did. That was one that was during Finding the Funny. The barbers had the bowl. Molly. Yeah, yes, there's still a photo. There's a photo of me. You, Sean. Paddy McGee. That bowling alley closed down. Well, it didn't closed down, but they can't work because all the there's some dispute with the
workers. Really. Yeah, I think they're all on strike. That's very good. They get a bunch of times and though just for spur. Yeah. And so she and Todd, they're fingering all the balls, fingering the pulse. But yeah, you did a gate seven nights, every night you. Said it was 10 nights and we
doubled up to them. And the last time we did it, I think I've told on the podcast before, when we walked into the middle of karaoke and the woman was singing Patsy Cline crazy through the fucking thing in her throat box. Yeah, I was. You don't really hear a voice boxes as much anymore, do you know what I mean? You can barely hear them at all. You can hear them lighter than yeah. You can't really hear them like. But they were huge. You think like maybe auto tune
made people? Yeah, I think you're right. Yeah. Paranoid about them. Yeah, I think a lot of people know back. In the day loads of people had voice box A. Good idea for a voice box would be to get it remember the way they had like Mr. T sat NAV. Yeah. Tune it up so you get the sound like whoever you want to sound like. Oh, so you could be like a 78 year old white woman from Lurgan? Yeah, and you sound like Barack Obama. Yes, do what I mean. Yeah. Yeah, I need to buy 10 of ladies.
Or maybe 11? Are we not on fun we are having? Love, let's go to a family event. How you doing, boss? Who's that? The guy from Greenmack. How you doing, boss? My name is John Coffee. How you doing? My name is Cassandra Mikasanti. I'm going through the menopause. I'm having a horrible time. I've got hot flashes. I don't know. I every time I pee something comes out of me. I've got 2 beautiful granddaughters to go. I can play, but who listen? That's in my way to the big school next year.
Head and dine to the felons later. It's going to be some crack. You just can make your own dinner. Me and Uncle Banter are out for the night. When do I ever get out? This is the worst thing that happens Is the fire in Primark? Oh mommy, you're mine's your dad. And other impressions. Yeah, now voice boxes, you just don't see them. There was a man called Tommy used to have one. This did remember that and then it happened was. The one with the week, like the
one where you press the week? Because I think like Val Kilmer didn't have one before he died, right? And he got it on one. Could he? There he was. He was in a bad way. What? What was his problem? Some cancer? Oh yeah. Smoked loads of eggs. Actors do. So if you're an actor who's always in work, you're going to have a bad throat. No, but I think no. I've always said that I don't. That's science. I. Don't think all actors smoke.
No, like no, I think there's like no, there's Val Kammer, Patrick Swayze, the two that I know of, the smoke that's smoked, Swayze smoked. Swayze smoked himself to death like he was smoking. I think fucking 7080 fags a day. But. I'm the I'm the rest of the fake. You'd know Philtre, that man. No. And now he's a ghost. Yeah, I didn't know he wouldn't have seen Swayze. Like wouldn't imagine. You haven't done all them.
We say I'm not gonna forget. I don't think he met, but I think you just fucking blazed them in the place. Yeah. Paddock Swayze. Like, yeah. But Val, do you think Val Kilmer just didn't want the voice box, just didn't like the look of it? I don't know because in the documentary had like a wee hole over so that he would like close over so he could talk 0. Because if he doesn't close, I might have. Thought maybe they have a voice box to know. But if he doesn't close, that doesn't do well.
His voice come in his net as chess. He goes, Oh yeah, if the wind blew southeastly. But could you imagine if your voice was coming out of places that weren't necessarily your mouth? Like if it like, would you, would your body just look for other holes to let that like, yeah, I think there's any guys. I think there's any ear voice guys. Like if you like, you go to a public bathroom and you get your Willy out and your Willy goes fucking around.
How funny would it be if you just talked out of your bum like what you do? I think where would you if you had to, right? If you had to have your voice moved from. No, should be the natural. Thing no your nose. I think it'd be creep creeper than like. You wouldn't you? I don't think you'd be able to tell if my voice is coming out of my nose right now, you say. You could tell, I think. It was coming out of your nose would be louder. Yeah, enjoy your nose while you have it.
I am it, but would you rather? And yellow best over. There, Westbrook. I know, but you're from near Armagh? Oh, Bassbrook, did you say that wasn't bad? Somebody recently called me Crocodile Dundoc and I thought was right. Yeah, it's good. Never heard of a daily. But would you rather, would you rather come out if the noise had the corner of your Willy or your bum? Yeah, No, it was a normal thing, a lot of people. Like because it was bomb enough to turn around and talk to them.
Fair enough. That's a Willy, definitely. Would you have to get your Willy out to talk to people? I don't think I'm a bomb. Might talk to people. So you have the talk with your bum. Yeah. So you'd rather talk? It's illegal to get your Williot. Nobody. Nobody is illegal to get your bomb out. Yeah, I think it is actually. Yeah, Yeah, I always get lifted 100. Bombs on a general. It is. It's. Not your genitals, your deck on balls. I would your bombs still.
Still be indecent exposure. Imagine. For your bomb. Instead of mayor yeah I I got I could stop by police one time for moon on the taxi and didn't see the police car the well let. Is that how you think you flagged down taxis? Is it not? I don't see me get an Uber. Did you? 3 minutes. Did you you moon the car? I got out of a taxi right? My matrix still in taxi and I pulled me also before get into the house and there was a cop car behind the taxi. Now did you bent?
Sure. No, no, I just I just got the meet out. It wasn't I didn't spread or be all look up the the trash. Usually the classic I'm walking away a wee mooner. Just a wee mooner, right? Just pull a wee mooner and the police car stopped and there was two female police officers who jumped. I was about 21, right? What the fuck are you doing? And I don't know, I was so drunk I tried to, like, flirt my way out of it. Like, Jesus, Jesus, they're awful hard. Tough job isn't girls.
Fancy a munch? Just see anything you like, but you seem more than more than a bullet wound and then so yeah. So it is in fact illegal to get the bomb. What did the police say did? Some holding a lot, they said. We get off, idiot. I yeah, I don't, I don't think getting the bomb out is that big of a. Deal. Hello mate, you're on the pod here. I think I could beat you a pickleball paddle. No pickleball. What has the walls? Feeling brave, Yeah. What has the walls? What?
What has the walls? Paddle has the walls. Right pickleball, right. Yeah, I'm feeling brave. Yeah. You feeling froggy late? I'm. I'm I'm feeling leapy, you know what I mean? I'm told leaving. Yeah. Yeah, well, me and me and me and Mikey want to play you and an opponent of your choice. But maybe Mikey won't play. Maybe it's just maybe you. I don't. Want you to play I. Mean the. Hey, why you stubborn UK? If you guys want to on one or two on one no I.
Want to play paddleball? I'd rather play one-on-one. Are you saying that having Mickey on your court would be a hindrance? Yeah. That's. I hope I'm class. But that's not true to say about Mickey, man. Right. I'll take his both on tell you right now, no. Right, right. We're going to play paddle or pickleball, whatever one doesn't have the walls. Don't tell me because don't remember. Pickle, pickle. We're playing pickle. Right.
Me and Mickey are going to play you and pickleball, and then you and me are going to play Mickey and badminton and we're going to film this. Mickey and Badminton Ice go one-on-one, no problem. I don't think he understands how much badminton is all the wrist movement and I've done a lot. Right, I'll tell you, I'll say this right now on the pod, if Mickey beats you in badminton, yeah, you have to drink a wicket, No. Well. I'm just, I'll tell you that's all. Confident now? Maybe, yeah.
Ah, Aaron, come on now. Yeah. Yes, Sesi pants, sorry for the bad words. Right, OK, right. Well, we're we'll set this up. I'm. Ready. Wendy's all play. Wendy's all play. 12:00 No, no, we'll play. 9 minutes. We'll play next week or the week after soon. Or the week after I put. Either way, we're. Calling for you. Just keep your eyes just. Keep your balls pickled. Yeah. All right. All right. Yeah. He just hung up before we say goodbye. What a rude we. Shit, he is pregnant because he
knows. I see. Here's the thing. I I have played so little sports that I have the confidence that I probably could do it even though I can't. Play against little people. Sorry, little sports. No, not against little people. Just know very few sports, right, like the time whenever I watched the member Chicago Bulls documentary during COVID, Yeah, and I went I'm probably class of basketball. Not yeah, like I know I can't play football. Try to watch it. I know I can't fight.
That's why I don't watch it. And that's what I watch porn, because you can fuck some shit, right? I did that joke wrong. But yeah, I reckon I with a racket sport, I reckon I'll be alright doing fast, Hazel. See, I moved up three times, didn't. Sit. But what is pickleball? It's like we tennis. Pics was so like pink as a ping pongers a pickle ball. It's in between tennis and ping pong. It's pick. It's tennis. Pickleballs. Tennis on a wee tiny. Court What's the difference
between squash and paddle ball? With a wee net, huh? What's the? Difference between squash and is a paddle ball. Ones a drink on the sport. Well done. Umm, squash has a. Tennis racket is a different racket, yeah. Squash is a bummer and racket. Also, squash is against the wall. This has got a net yet over. Right, but paddle ball I was. Against the wall between paddle and squash paddle. Is. A hybrid of tennis and squash. Oh, hybrid. All right, Tony Pony. It's actually a hybrid.
Only Einstein over there, but I'll cheer for that. Makes perfect sense. We still don't know. Still don't know hybrid in what way so. Is he not Harry Potter for me? So for this episode of the TV's Me podcast is also sponsored by none other than Manscaped, the number one in Man's Below the Belt groom. And you know it. If you've tried any of the Manscape products, you love it. If you haven't, what the hell you're waiting for. It's summer, it's warm, hair
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to uni with. Was. A week the guy with uni with like used to play a professional 10 pin bowling, but when he played wee bowling he would do like the Dragon's whip, like he'd kick his foot up behind him and we'd always be on the curse I got. So you you went to uni with a professional bowler? Yeah. What is that? Is he getting dull for that like. He's not that professional. I don't know, accidentally, I haven't seen him in 20 years, but yeah, he was.
He got into uni on a bowling scholarship, not making it up for a fucking drama degree. You don't even have to read to get in this. You're. Kidding me? Swear to God. Did he did you ever go actual ball? When? I heard of it like turned up with his own ball and glove and all. Did he have his own ball? Called Derek. Would he be doing like gym workouts and all for ball? He brought his laptop near their Wi-Fi router one time, so I'm guessing now he was working something.
Sorry I was too much. Professional temp and bore in Northern. Ireland, there's no jokes. I've no, I've nothing. Just legit. Like, yeah. And then he love it like. Absolutely loved it, couldn't shut up, but he wouldn't stop talking about it. Virgin like even to this day. Yeah. Virgin Gay. Virgin on love that. Yeah, thank you.
Love that. Remember Virgin that Virgin Cola used to be in the a lot of stuff like, yeah, I remember Virgin vendor machines where you get Virgin Cola and all different their drinks and all that sort of thing. Because see, Bronson, he's in the. All the virgin venom, I was one of the virgin vet machines. Very hard to get the money. In excellent, excellent and they're released so quickly. Yeah, so quickly. But he was in the all, all stuff like, yeah. Because it was virgin. Hot air balloons.
Hotter balloons eat the plans. They sell the plans. Still, the plans. Probably Virgin Airlines. What happened to the Virgin? That what happened to all the record labels? Are they all fucking? Now he did. I don't know if they had a record label as a shop. But I'm pretty sure they had a record label as well. But he was, he had every, yeah. He crashed, remember Chris Evans joined the Virgin radio station and got paid millions for it like. Yep, because he left Big Breakfast to do that.
Was it? Yeah, somebody. Got everyone's listened. Everyone was listening to the Radio Atlantic 252 Jesus Code station. Energy One O 6 Zodiacs Nightclub, Lurgan. And Maniac 2000 was #1 in the charts for like 10 years. Maniac. Number one then white ladder. David Grey was #2 in the charts down South for about fucking 18 months. A down to remix or just? Just the standard version. David Grey, Massive in Ireland. He's classic, very short people down there.
Yeah, right. Have you ever told me they went to see him recently or they've seen him? Karen loves him. Who the fuck I was talking about this word? Somebody recently went to see David Grey. I think it was going to be shite. Was it Dave? Yeah, David said. He went to see him thinking like us will be thought it was like the best game was ever if you. Want it? Come and get it. That's all. That's all. Really good like. For crying out loud. It's not. It's not bad at.
All I lost out of bed. But oh, you still fucking. It's the head Wobbly had as well that we kind of like. The love that I was, didn't. Do it was I. Never heard he everyone had that album. Yeah. White Ladder album. James Blunt, back to bed. Yes, Maroon 5, yes, whatever. The first album was Drea 2001. Very eclectic music theist. Albums, take that, greatest hits. Never had, never had that. Michael Jackson's number ones.
Queen Greatest, That's everyone. Like that, everyone of that The Beatles one remember, The Beatles one came out, everybody was. Like oh the Red Album 1 on the front, yes. And then I think I got I had the Elvis one, but only because they had the remix of Little Less Conversation on Yes. Remember just going into
Woolworths after school? I remember being in the queue just like Boxing Day or something, just after Christmas when you went in the city centre and I was in the queue for Woolworths to buy a So Solid Crew album. And then a guy walked up to me. He's like much is that album it? And I don't know, I was like 11 or sometime he's like in his 20s and I was like £18 and he goes, I'll give you a 20 LB Woolworths voucher for a tenor. And I was like, this is a great
deal. But the voucher often queued for ages, got up to the till. The guy's like, this is not a World Wars voucher. And the more I looked at it, the more the guy just like made it on on paint at his house. He just put the World Wars logo. What a fucking. And then written 20 LB voucher. But that's the most, that's the the cheekiest, most forgivable way to rob somebody I've ever heard of my fucking life. Yeah. You couldn't even be mad at that. I was mad. You wouldn't be like you'd be
fuming. I was crying but at the same time what a Sketer to. Keep me from my garage, I. Wonder how much money he made in total over the over the years. They're not cleaned up. I mean, there's ways to scam people and that's cute. I love to Sol crew. I got 21 seconds ago. Yeah, I got 21. Seconds ago what? Was your other song because we let me know I'm in the studio with 21 Here's so many haters a clap. But what would he was bringing average proof from the underground St to you?
I don't think they have many others. Was to Lisa and so solid crew no end up end up. Speaking of virgin end up. I saw a video. She's no virgin. You're. Talking about Lisa mafia. Mafia. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, Talisa was end up had some bangers. The one with tension. Strider #1I. Didn't I, didn't even said. You're talking about celebrity sex tapes you're Forte if you're on Mastermind. Five Ted, we also. I'll be your. Special subject celebrity sex tips.
Yeah, I've never seen the pump. The quintessential one. Paul Anderson. Yeah. Tommy. Tommy Lee. Tommy Lee, he said. Tommy Rock. I remember that first came out thinking it was the guy from Men in Black. I didn't know. Will Smith. No Rep toward She was the end of it. Not people won't appreciate that enough because they won't know Reptorn is the name of an action. Name of the actor? Yeah, he's a dodgeball guy. Is that? His real name? Yeah. Serious. Yeah.
Well, I don't think it's his Christian. I don't think he was like, our second name is Torn. What should give him as a first name? Yeah. Tear. Nah. Tear. Torn sounds mad. Territory. Yeah, Reptorn. Yeah, further today. What? Elmore rule. See why she might change it. Yeah, I found it this morning. I was watching a clip. Michael Keynes. Actual first name is Morris. More skin. Yeah, sounds cool. Is it? No, but OK, bye Nice Boris K. Doesn't work, does it?
No, you're already supposed to kick the back doors in or whatever it was. Yeah, it shows the kick, kick my back. I saw when I was in Nigeria, the fuck was that? Yeah, they supposed to blow my bloody cock. I saw, I'm sure, the odd speech at about 1:00. I can't remember it holding it out in a diamond the size of the tangerine. Why do we fall? And he stuck it into bed with other men. What's other great Michael Caine quote? I was in Jaws of Revenge.
Do you ever see Jaws Revenge? No, it's shite. It's got to be. It's really, really bad. Doesn't need a sequel. At the end of it, the fucking the kill the shark by ramming like a sailing ship into it. So the mask was and it's and the shark goes and there's an interview, great interview, Michael Caine, where someone's like talking about how shit that movie was and he goes, I've never seen it. I did see the house that it bought. Yeah, he's a great.
I actually saw an interview him yesterday or something. He's a great like interview clip guy now. Yeah, yeah. When you look at some of the stuff because like, interesting guy, long career, Yeah, great stories. So the reason he's called Morris is because he comes from as he's gypsy background, right? That's his words, not mine. I would have called him family, but he's. Yeah. So his his dad was called Morris his dad before him and his wife did their lineage, his lineage and there's no joke.
You're looking at me like just as a setup. I know. But though his wife did their his lineage and found that that GFC's originally come from India. I was that's the clip I watched this morning. What's? That going to do, Morris. I don't. Know I'll just tell you what he said in the clip right even he was like I'm 6 foot 2 and blondes I don't know how the fuck I'm not Indian like I. Wonder what he ended up. But is he dead? Michael Caine Yeah, we still working. I bet you're saying that.
You're saying that like he's got years left. You know it's not. These some of these guys are like. Up 24. Yeah, he's not playing a young Michael Caine like, no. He's not playing Zac Efron High School Musical. Yeah, although that would be. Good we're play if I. What he does comedies. Brilliant. He's hilarious. One of my favourite lines he's ever do in the fucking spy thing. No, although I forgot about that. The one with Colin Firth. Oh.
The Kingsman where he's like partial way through it and then at the end of the guy poisons him and he just goes you daddy little fuck. I think it's fucking. Have you seen the Gentleman? I have one TV man. I haven't seen the show here. The show's great. I'm just starting to watch it. Yeah, I want to watch the Snatch TV show. Didn't know with Rupert Grant. Yeah, so. What's it? Yeah, cheeky wee bastard. But I have. You know, right? Must be a Weasley.
Guy, we were talking, we were talking. I'm Aaron. This is just I'm gender as fuck like. We were talking to a guy out in Joxer, an old gentleman called Daniel, and I literally went, you probably know my dad. And he's like, no, I don't think I do. You're false. He was like, you can't just assume old men know each other. Vaguely racist. I want to be like, I want to move FM old. Well, I want to know all the other old men. I can't wait to be one of them.
I felt like here he comes. Other having. Great uncle banter. All boy meets, yeah? Yeah. Do you not sell plenty mates? Yeah, right as none. He could be made to my dad if you want. Imagine we set our dads open. Your dad doesn't drink it. It wouldn't work. Yeah. But would your dad like my dad does our roll it? Your dad could. No, my dad has a shed. My dad has a shed. That's his pride and joy. He just sits. Up might we could bring the. Door open, look at the house.
What if I come up to your mom and dad's house and I just drop my dad off and your dad shed and leave them there? We played it, yeah. I reckon within 15 minutes your dad would have my dad a fucking chokehold. Might not be. How do we ask my technol? No, I even get on all right. No what I the problem? Nothing in common. Nothing in common? No, my dad had a motorbike when he was younger. Perfect. We'll get 40 minutes.
Hello, he told me the motorbike for years and then one day one of the guys in work printed out a photo of the motorbike my dad had and he put it up in the fridge like it was a moped. You're. Like one of the pedal ones the we remember we do get actual fucking pedal like a back end of the start one of them. And I was like, I was telling people for years, you were a fucking healthy. Healthy Angel. Yeah. And he's like, no, yeah, Osman, are we fucking 2 strokes?
Just away, heavens devil, me, my, my dad's doing like a, so they do like parade lapse. So there's like A at some of the motor motorbike races, there's like a legends thing where like all the old boys go out and all the old bikes they put the Leathers on and do like exhibition lap. So it's like it's not. Because there's a photo viewer down on his bike and those old bikes do look very unsafe compared to even though they're motorbikes and there's no real
difference. Yes, then they're driving them like the fastest capacity they'll go on actual roads. But I was filling at the forum forum to do the parade lapse thing and the disclaimer on it's great because it's like my dad's like obviously near 80 and stuff. And the forms are like, don't be dying, please. And you have to take a box to be like. We'll try. Not to die. Could he still throw a bag around like?
They're tottering about like, but he, he, the last time he did it, I think he wanted to go faster then after he's like could open it up a wee bit more. That's dangerous. See I I've been on a motorbike once. He's doing 20 mile an hour. I believe in that I'm flying, but even 20 mile on a motorbike, terrifying like I was. I was in the back of my friends motorbike when it was I was 18 or 19 and it was like a. Whole way you hold them. Like that, like he goes grab them, handles the back of the
bag and I went fuck you. If I'm going off, you're coming with me. Head and shoulder. 100% was worth his coat No, but he was he had one of them we like what do you it wasn't powerful was. Your deck as we bum. No, my deck was in my bones, not afraid, but it was like a wee fucking what the CC is in motorbike What the one you don't even need a licence for 150 is 50 right? So it was, it was like a essentially as powerful as a scooter, but it was a motorbike, right?
And the because it's just an engine with a seat. He took off on it and I just went skirt the fuck out of me and I've never been on one since. Tony has a motorbike. We were a couple of years ago on it. You got Chopper? And his motorbike, too. Have you got a Hardy? You don't have a Hardy, do you? Might be the coolest container in my life. I went on and he was weren't going that fast but I was like I properly like have my hands on his hips. I done my nails in.
I swear to God, yeah. If I was flexible, if I have my legs sitting in front of them, can you still say you're gorgeous? Flies in the back of my neck and all your eyes. You don't need noggle time here. But like is it a big heavy Hardy? Is it one of the? Ones that's one of those light ones make. No, but I mean like the big fucking like, I have no idea that means. Tony is only a big heavy or how heavy is how? Strong are you Tony? Strong enough?
Do you like to have your thighs or something thick? Keep your eyes here. I'm not a piece of metal, you know. I'm some ride though here. Would you like that? Would you? Could you ever be on a motorbike? I would love to get, I would love to learn how to ride a motorbike, but I would need a slow one, right? Do you know what I mean? I don't. I wouldn't want to. My little 100. 51 of them we buy boys. Yeah, like something like.
That I think that'll be fun, but you'd want the big bike for like big Sunday afternoon. Yeah, I'd like a big like, I'd like a Harley that would kind of like just so you could stop outside a pub going and you turn the bike on. But like see the what? Like those like Rd racing bikes where they're like fucking like you have to bend forward. Yes, that scares the fuck out of me. Absolutely. Because you're about four inches from the road. Yeah, so you're doesn't legend.
I'm saying that's impressive that he was able to do that for as long as he. Did, yeah, but no, he's like, he would be like, I can't go fast on it, but they're flying. Like for someone like us, we'd be looking at it being like Jesus Christ, but they're just like getting all the Leathers on again and doing it. Yeah, but it's fun to watch. Oh definitely I can't. I don't like going fast.
I even like even in my car. Like I think I told you I come up here one day and was out traffic lights and took off pretty quick and made this noise. I just went never again That's me. It's just, I'll just fucking. I'm not a fast get like I I like the idea of a motorbike, but I don't think it ever did. Yeah, plus like the maintenance of it and all that. See, that's the thing as well. If you if you have a motorbike, you need to know how to fix it. Yeah, it's not like a car.
We can just drop it into somebody. It's like all that needs something done. Is there any hobbies you can see yourself taken up like as you get older so? Anything like I'm starting to think about getting a wee hobby, you know, I'm starting to think what else, what else can I do apart from just being great crack for the nation? What do you? What do you think and like, is it a sport? Is it something like that? I would, I actually would love learn to learn how to like fix a car.
I like to be one of those guys that has a like an old car in a garage and somebody calls around. I'm just in a tank top robbing grease off my hands and then go what's more beg in the way around 20 minutes. So your hobby is to be operational mechanic, no? No, no, just like the fake stuff knows, right? As long as it was the car. So like DIY and stuff? Nah forgot what? A bit a bit of woodwork or something? Do you do a bit of woodwork?
No. I I'm afraid of that because one time in technology in school a guy was using the lathe like the the sand belt in the vertical sand belt in school. Lathe lady boy. You plug her up pretty good. But he was, no, he was found on my plywood and took the top of his finger off and I was like, well, that's, that's wood gone. I'm afraid of that now too. Did he freak out? He actually didn't. He was kind of like, Oh, Sir, we were pulled back on quick. Just took him to nurse drop and
asked him to old school. But I don't know, like I would, I would fashion I could, I'd like to shoot him maybe. Do you what I can see you do? Cycling. No, don't like it at all. Tried it a few times. Big calves like. Awesome. Skipping though. My problem is tender bottom. Sorry. That's my boyfriend calls me no, but I don't like how by our fields on a on a bicycle saddle. But you get like some boys were almost wore a cushion. Oh yeah, I know that, but I still still still can't do it.
You. Probably do without the seat though. I miss the handle. Now we need to get your hobby like. I would. I would like to like Claire pigeon shooting or just shooting. I think it'd be a good hobby. Shoot that thing. She would join paramilitary. No, let's start one CA cross community paramilitary. What a great idea. About here, about time, is it not? Is it fucking right at? This that's when we'll know we've come a long way, when boys and both say can team up for
organised crime, we'll. Get one of the old boys from back in the day to start it. He'll be there. Start to them like. It's not a Bad Religion anymore. Yeah, go with me on this. No surrender, Arla. Yeah, that'd be nice if they came together like a super. Group where that or I don't know what what have you any hobbies I'd say to stand up and like? Football, comedy, BBQ, family. Family's your hobby, it's your responsibility. But you mean if you want to leave it in? You're right. But yeah.
Like Roman? It's not a hobby though, is it? I suppose it is, yeah. But like, you know, something like that, like you do coach the five Ki. Don't want to. I don't like running right. I've I've did train a few times before the marathon and hit it up eh? What? Well, box so you. You boxes we box as a hobby. Boxes definitely a hobby yeah what about when I did meant what about like combat sport? Oh the my Torg. I. I could see you. Suck the thing. Actually bending my.
I would love to learn an instrument right? I would love to learn to play guitar. Yeah, why don't you do a? Few people have tried to teach me to have the patience for it, right. I think I maybe have hit the point in my life where I'm like, oh, I'm beyond learning new skills. No. I reckon I don't know. Do you reckon there's a point as you get the certain it? Gets harder. I've learned enough. And gets harder. It gets harder, definitely. But I think you can you can do it.
Like what about learning the language in the car? Do you know, weirdly, do you know what the problem would be is I don't have enough confidence to even if I do know a few words of a certain language. I'm one of those people. I just can't bring myself to do it. So when you're on holiday in Spain, the point? Is short like I'm. You can't drop. It I'm sure one always in at the end of stuff. I can't even ask for a fucking Pinot noir in a pub. Come on, get the red wine, anyone? Right.
That's sad. I know it's a, it's a but. You're a confident man. I'm a confident man, like until someone goes speak a different language or Dr motorbike, it's only two things I can't do. Yes, I want, I want you speaking Mandarin on a hardly. Sing a sing in Spanish. Yeah, that'll be lovely. It'll be class. I am, yeah. The more I don't think I would ever do the motorbike thing, but I think I could see cycling.
I could like, I like when you see all boys out cycling and what to do is to get together on a Sunday morning, go for a cycle and then go and get a fry somewhere, cycle back. I like social. It's, I know a lot of people do cycle and they love the social aspect of it. I also know several cyclists have been hit by cars because people lose humanity when they're in. So I would do it if it was round. Just like we're just going to go around this cycle path.
Don't talk to me is mental. Yeah, Psychopath. Yes, Thank you. BMX No. Please get into BMX and you showing up. What's up dude? Start the BMX track. Matches just class that they're like I would love you wouldn't be. You're doing the Red Bull X Games or whatever. Yeah, at 50. Yeah, what about like diving? Again, would love to do that and waters that. No sharks so it have to be in cold places. Yeah, but like swimming? Yeah. Yeah. Do you? Can you swim? Yeah. Actually very good be sorry.
What's your favourite stroke? Tim Curry, Google app. That's a good joke. Yeah, just just fucking breaststroke. Do you? Will you swim when you're you say you don't want to swim around sharks, but yeah, when you're going to Australia here, you won't get no water, will you? I mean, I've got in the water a bunch of times in Australia, but every time I do it I'm like, this is scaring the fuck out of me. I think we were in Australia on
this. If I would go on this trip, I'd say going to go for a swim, would have it set up and then come to the time you'd be like, I can't be bothered. No, we went to the beach last time we were all there. We did. It was a shitty beach, so it was an English. Smelly beach one. Yeah, the last, the last time I was over there was Christmas time. I was in the water with a made of mine and we were like like paddling and we went alright.
You and your mate were paddled. Yeah, I mean, we're fucking having a switch. You're going to meet your friend, fucking slap some balls that we talk about splashies. But I said to him, I was like, I was like, when do the sharks come out? And he went, ah, bat now. And I was like, what are we doing on here? Yeah, it's terrifying. Yeah. OK. Humphreys.
Yep. K Humphreys swam in a river in Sydney and when he got out, somebody was like, what the fuck are you doing that's filled with bull sharks? And he said he just threw up where he was standing. He was over it. He thought it was the sea. Yeah, I'm shouting to him. But he was like, he thought it was the sea. And then he told someone where he'd been swimming, and they were like, where exactly? And they sent him a picture of that rough area. And we're like, is this where you were?
He's like, my hotel is like, right there. That's where I was. And they were like, mate, that's like, that's a river. Yeah. I think the worst place you could be. There's a few places in Perth where there was a two years ago there was a girl that was like in a canoe or a kayak with her mates fell out and the second. I'm not talking to you. Did she die in this story? Yeah. Our friends, well, the last words we said were in anger.
No, but she fell in the canoe and bull sharks just fucking ripped into beds like they're the party. They're they're nice. Life jacket, you're fucking. Nerfing. Your roots, you fucking pump you. Yeah, you're stinking. You're awful, fatty. But they are like. Yeah, better all up. Do you think bull sharks are the ones that will eat anything? That's a great white will bite a human and go. I don't actually like that, but you're dead by the time. It's like us, we're drinking.
I'm a great white. I'll drink the old time if it's what I like to drink. Yeah, you'll drink it. I'll drink anything. Yeah, yeah. How long are you going for a? Month. And are you settled in one place, a lot of them, or as a concentrate? No. So I'm going to be basically going gagging all over the place and then going for a week in Bali.
So I basically like get Austria to have a couple of days, do a gig, flight to Sydney, do 2 gigs, flight back to Perth, fly to Bali for a week, flight back from Bali. The next day I fly to Melbourne, do a gig the day after that flight of Brisbane, do 2 gigs, then fly back to Perth and fly back home. So it's it's not a whole day like. What are you going to do in Bali? Literally nothing. Like I don't care about, say, in Bali, I don't care about going
to weave cheap markets. I'm in an all inclusive resort. I'm going to get sunburned and pitched. Yeah, for a full week. I've been told you can't drink the water. The safest thing to do is drink beer the whole time. I like those done. I like those videos of Instagram versus reality in Bali. You know when people say like this amazing, uh, cabana type thing and all, Yeah. And then they show you the real people go to it and then like pound the camera around and I say a car park. Yeah.
Do you want my leg on? Yeah, because there's much Bali's one of those places where like I isn't doesn't it have one of the like the like a trash island floating off it somewhere because they have no infrastructure, so they're just fucking. Where is Bali, Indonesia. Indonesia. It's apparently it's like that's why everyone gets sick. It's like everything's just so polluted. And a lot of it's probably to do with Westerners come over and being like, oh, this is lovely.
Welcome Slinger here. Yeah. But yeah, I've, no, I'm not a very touristy person. Yeah, I often find that anything I've gone to see touristy, you can Google and get a better image of it. A. 100% I've said this before, The pyramid in Egypt, I feel like I've been there. If I'm there and a minute I can't see it. Does that make sense? If I'm in it, I can't see the outside of it. When you see the Sydney opera's up close, you go. It's actually kind of stinking. I've been in.
It so. Not as big as you think. Yeah, auditorium and stuff inside. You get them. No, we're talking about it. I would love to. It's not unreal, but like to say you've done it's great. Yeah. But but it's when you actually see the building, you're kind of like this looks like a Northern Irish leisure centre. Yeah, that was built in this. Well, that's their inspiration, mind. The right Yeah, Brownlow wreck. The Tars. What thing?
Whatever we call in the Palomino, they saw that legend there and they won't build us up. Yeah, and that's what they. Yeah, that's man. Big Leguizad machine. Like the machine when you walk in. Yeah. Loaded last plan 5A set. I'm jealous. Smell of chlorine. I miss Australia. It's I love it. It is class I would love to live. What's your favourite City game last year before Right There? It depends.
It's Perth. I love Perth but Adelaide I had the best month of my life over there because it was just at a Comedy Festival with no solo shows on so I was just doing spots for a month. Yeah. Yeah, and everybody would go to the same pub at night. It's not that big a festival. See, when we like when we overlap for a few of those shows and stuff in Australia and like that up, it's not so surreal. Yeah.
Like when we're just like. It might be the only time we hug to say hello because even though we've seen each other two weeks. I'd be open to doing that more body language. But there's that weird, there's that weird thing like we're both in Australia looking, yeah, there's a guy, Ronnie Neville, who's, he's from a Traveller background and me and him, every time we bump into each other, we just go look at us. I know, but I'm not and I think we went to that and more bar.
Is that what's called the exit? Yeah, what's called the Exeter. Exeter and. You look at the expert. And there's just all these comics that you kind of know and you're like, how mad that we're the what this thing we do is brought us to here and we're just all. So many times don't have you talked to a comedian, like who's 10 times more famous than you that you admire? And they say something like, how's your show going? Yeah. And you end up having staff room chat. Yes, yes.
With one of your heroes. You're like what the fuck? I love it. Are you doing any? Are you there for the festivals? You. No, I this is the only year and since I've started stand by, I'm not doing any comedy festivals call West, but like the the sort of bigger ones not doing any. You have done the French. Nope way I'm in Australia Journal is it? And I think I think it's because I'm starting to feel like a lot of comedy festivals are getting a wee bit too greedy.
This is probably boring stand up. No, but I think people, no, I think people are interested because they if they like us doing this, then they like stand up. Yeah. And it's interesting to how it works. But I think the thing was especially the Adam of Fringe is it's got deer and deer every year today. It's insane how expensive. Because it used to be you will go right. Well, if I want to save money, maybe I'll stay just outside of Edinburgh.
And now it's got to the point where like you can't afford to stay in Glasgow for the month, never mind Edinburgh. When we everyone has that idea. When we. First went over there was me and two other comedians rented a house for a month in Leith, so it was like 10 minutes on a bus in the city centre. £18. No, it was like it was there even then, but it was like 800 lbs or something. Yes, yeah, yeah. Which is insane amount of money when you're starting stand up. Like who the fuck has that?
Yeah, the the last time I did it, me and Robbie McShane were in a one bedroom flat and it was 1500 each. Yeah. And we, the tech turns, one of us had a bed for two weeks and the other one slept on the couch and we swapped. Yeah, and it's gotten worse since then. So especially with the Oasis and who else is playing in Edinburgh? This year? Oh, Springsteen? No. Is it SCDC? There was something about there was a couple of hotels where one night in the hotel was costing like 7000 LB.
That's like and it's they're going to ruin their own festival because they've they've outpriced working class. People, is your gym access to? I think Jim's there. Is your, is your breakfast. Included No, it's an Ibis, No, but it is just going to here and then it's like you think of guys that go over there and sell it a full run and make £120. Yeah, yeah. To be in a shipping container for a month with no but. What what way can they change it or what can? Because they always go.
Landlords are taking the piss 1000%. I mean, anyone can see that there, but landlords aren't just going to go all right, then we'll take the price down before. I think one of the things that happened was that that for a while they had people like tenants run on an 11 month contract. So they'll basically kick tenants out for August and then double the price of the flats, the counselling, because that's fucking pretty rough. Yeah, your home for a month. So they stopped. That happened.
But then that meant that any flats that were available for Edinburgh where there was more scarcity. So then it was talking to the roof. It's had a point where people that have tried to stay in Glasgow and come in Edinburgh, even the Glasgow competitions going up. Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, yeah. So Livingston, I looked at, we were thinking about doing a couple years ago and I was like, could we go over as a family and probably get a house not that
far away and then commute in? Yeah, it was insane. Yeah, like it was insane. It's mentally and it's just. It doesn't make any sense to do it. And what it's going to do is it'll stop anybody who doesn't live in Edinburgh, that's working class isn't going to go California. Why would you? Yeah, and it's going to mean the ACT is no working class actually going to be there. So it's going to be a middle class, upper class festival for middle and upper class people.
Yeah, it'll all be those Cambridge Foot. Yeah, it'll. Be everyone clicking their fingers. Do you want to see a show about rape? Yeah, I, I don't, I don't know where it is in 2-3 years time. Yeah, I don't see it last most longer like, which is a fucking shame because when you're there, the worst thing, but it is when you've spent all the money and you actually get there you go. This is worth every penny. Yeah. Because it's, it's fucking great crack. I'm going to do my normal thing.
I'll go over for a day again this year. I don't even know if I'll do a show, but I might just go over and watch shows and, yeah, see people. But then, well, he's the only person I know doing anything. The owners didn't know Willy. I'd maybe head over myself. I do like kind of it's. Should we do a day? We should. Maybe we could I'm back from street on the 16th, so there's still two weeks of Edward tend to do it I. Think we should do like a morning flight lasting a night flight home?
Still we overnighter. OK, still awake. Fuck, that's the whole month. Let's do a show. Fuck Australia more. That's good. But on the improv show, just be really lazy about it and it's just us going what do I does, what do? I does no not. Yeah, yeah, we should go. Let's go over for a day. Let's do it. You drink. I think I'm. I still edmar my way. I think I used my my alcohol.
I honestly think the same, like it took me to Wednesday over that stag weekend that I'm like, I have to really fucking knock out my head, yeah, I have no money left. We're keeping in the time that a conversation we have before. This part. With the Martin Lewis. I really genuinely was like us, yeah. Through all this shit, yeah. Danny Glover. That's what a fuck. Absolutely. But I can't wait. Like, yeah, I would. Would you do any more next year if you had?
If you had, would have you ever done a full month A. Couple of times, yeah, probably not. I know it's a weird one. It's such a weird if the if it went back to 2013 prices. A week or two, definitely. Yeah. More than that, no. That's the thing to it has hit that point where like, comedians don't need to be there for a month to get an audience anymore. Yeah, Yeah, You know what I mean. But I like the idea of developing a show for a month. Yeah, I think that's great.
I'll come back bulletproof like I one time looked at Could you commute every day? Andrew Ryan did it one time. Like I don't think he did the commute but looked at it and it was cheaper to fly from London to Edinburgh every day. That almost. The same, yeah, it'd be cheaper to just do like a late morning flight, yeah. And then last thing and they fled home over there. If you if you're getting that flight for like £40 a day,
definitely cheaper. And your tour, would you like to, would you like to plug in promote? Yeah. Mikey Barton comedy.com for tour tickets or what's the show Rocket? How to think of something? Like Rocket? No, like he's a rocket. So yeah. So we've added Bunkerana Dairy. There's a couple other ones come out until soon as well. So yeah, making border comedy. Come, come see it. Probably the best are ever. When do you do it for the first time? Have you already home? Australia.
Oh, that, that's. That's actual start of the day like. Will you like, will you wear anything in Australia like out there like say at the beach or anything that you wouldn't wear at home you. Know that's Star Wars T-shirt was bought in Australia very really I I don't look good in summer clothes so yeah. You know you look your best then. T-shirt, hoodie, leather jacket. Kind of I. Yeah, something that covers all that shit up. No, you. Go fuck, he doesn't look too
bad. Then you take the jacket off. You got the fucking size. I fuck up. Damn, look at me. Like, do you mean baby Yoda's got a squint the eye here? What were you flying? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm slumbering again. I can't believe it. I actually change your mind when you get there. Oh, I will. I yeah, but I can't afford it. I did look at it as well and it's it's twice as expensive as it was last year. Really. Yeah.
So there's there's. I think it's fun to be a complete novelty like I haven't done it since. Australia business class thing. Yeah, but business class is perfect. All flights that long, everybody should have business class. I don't know how to do it. Make the plane bigger. Yeah, give everybody we bad. There has to be something because it's so enjoyable, to be
honest. Like when I flew to Sydney first time I did business class ever and thought to myself I could he could do a lap of this airport for an hour and a half and I'd be happy enough. Yeah, course, when you're an economy, you're going to get me off a Falcon. Plane. Yes, yes, yes. But again, 4 whiskeys, 2 cokes and you just. Every other way, Yeah. Yeah. We'll put the link for tickets in the description. LA Z Boys podcast comes out every Thursday, Tuesday. Tuesday, Tuesday. Thursday.
And we've live show on the 21st of September in Mandela Hall. Tickets will be on sale by the time this comes out. Yeah, and they're in the description below. Mickey Shane, it's been an absolute pleasure. It's been great to be here. No, no, no. It'd be genuine. It has been a pleasure. It's been a real pleasure. Thanks, man. And I love you. I love you more. And I'd like to hug you more. Do. You want to hug it? We'll do it often.
We'll do it after, but we are you coming to Jockster even for a coffee? I'll. Call her for coffee, OK? I'd like it. I'd like a team. Mickey Davis with a thought. Thank you. You're welcome.