You've had a fight with a taxi driver. No, all right. They're argue with a lot of people. I don't actually. Yeah, you're the comment I don't hear. I actually don't, yeah. I don't know, you're not well, but I feel like you're quite difficult. He is definitely. I'm not difficult, I am not. Which is exactly what a difficult person would say. Somebody wasn't difficult would go well if you say no, no. You know what I mean? Zippers, welcome to this episode
of the Tea with Me podcast. With me, she and Todd. Before we get into this episode, let me tell you the Tea with Me live is coming to the Waterfront Hall, 29th and 30th of November. 30th sold F out 29th sold out. 30th Tickets available. OK, we have two guests on each show. We can't tell you who they are. Cork. Available palsy bear so come along without the link for tickets is in the description. Also she and talk comedy.com.
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Speaking of all guys, my guest today, yeah. I'm sorry, but there's an atmosphere in the studio today. Yeah, it's sexual. And it's not be about. I've come in, there's an atmosphere. It's it's like the first 5 minutes of a porno, like it feels like it's got that vibe. I don't know what that actually today. I don't know what I've committed. I don't know. Is there beef between people or something? Well, do you know what it is? We did the roast bottle last
night so we're all about. Main to each. Other So we're still feeling like that. My guess, Alan Irwin and Andrew Ryan. And let me say Andrew, your top half and your jeans would look so cute with his shoes. That's an outfit. These are new. These were a present. Andrew, can I see your shoes? These are me me daily casual shoes. You do need to swap that suits you really fit better and vice versa.
Yeah, I'm gonna go back to my girlfriend that I gave away the shoes she gave me this morning to under around for just because she and said so. She got you those shoes this morning and morning. Forgot. You've forgotten Or Anna. It's your birthday. You have issues of not no one user. Bastards. Last night we were doing the roast of William Thompson for his birthday. A week after his fucking birthday. Day before mine. Nobody gives a shit. The Big 5 and. Then you forget again.
Yeah, I'm 48. Are you 40? Eight. No, I'm 35. All right. Sorry. I would have. I would have. I would have thought. I don't know. Go. On. Go for it. Go on. Hey this is the. Older than you last night. She's older than you. Yeah. Yeah. You're married. You were married. I was married. There's a lot going on there. Like there's a lot going on in
your life, like. Years ago, I used to work with Fraser Rob and we were in the canteen and he's 17 years older than me. And we asked the woman behind the counter what is like the age gap was and she said five years, right. And then that weekend we were doing a gig in the black box from in the smoking area and I was telling the story and there was a guy standing having a smoke and I said, mate, guess what the age gap is between us? He went, Oh no, no, I don't want to offend your.
I went no, go for it. I've heard the worst. And he went four years. Jesus. You're a four years old woman, Fraser. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm 55. Do you think you look your age on No? What age are you? Doesn't matter. Oh, come on, I was very. OK, who cares? I'm 42. Yeah, I tell. I think you look about 30 yet. I think you look 30.
Nine do you know I paid €22 today to get me Birthsart sent out to me from whatever you're going to say, the Irish National Registry Office because someone the said that I wasn't born in the place where I was born. Sorry, this is this is this hasn't happened since Trump said Obama was born in Kenya. So this is the modern equivalent. So who is it? Basically alive. I've basically had a face to face Twitter conversation with somebody. It was like something that would
happen. To face Twitter conversation with somebody. You just stop. For a second, that's just a conversation. No, but. These are the type of we. Should do this over Twitter. It was, it was like it was I was having a conversation with somebody that reminded me that this would be something that would happen on Twitter, but it was actually in real life. OK, so talk us through it. So I was telling somebody and it stayed you're. Sorry, I also assumed I thought you were born in Britain.
I thought you. See a Brit. What I. Was born that was born in England. You've got a big carry. I was. I was. I was born in Westmead County. W Mead was. That the Midlands or Yeah. I see why she left. To be first, you could. She took everybody. So. Talk us through what happened. So talking to somebody that we were, where was this? I was somewhere in London, right? And they said to me like, oh, where were you born? I said I was born at loan. And they were like, oh, you
couldn't be born at loan. There's no maternity hospital that loan. This is a fellow Ashford. Yeah, and I went. Well, I was born in a clone because my I remember seeing an old parts or my. Remember your birthday. Where am I? Seeing the birds. I was spot on. It was nearly Indian. This was hate. That's where he's really from. That's where he's getting the birthday Bangalore. I don't. I didn't get that one. All these rather before went on, it did Shakespearean. You just looked at me.
I must have gone no culture. Go get some cultured people on this show. So you've got you've got a detractor, you've got someone saying that I wasn't have been born there because. There's no attorney. They said I was born in South Monaghan and I went, no, it wasn't bought. My passport says on Air V. On Air V is county Westmead, Osquel, go for Westmead. And like, you couldn't have been born there because there's no
maternity hospital. I said there may not be a maternity hospital today, but there was one in the 80s. You know, my mother worked in the hospital. She was a nurse, right? So they had a maternity wing. Now obviously that hospital has been shut down since I think it shut down in the mid 90s and they moved to whatever Mullingar General or whatever, you know, they all the services change and all that. And I always stuck with me to this even though when I said to them like I was born there is
this a? Stranger or a friend? It's comedian. Right. And I and I always said to me like, but they wouldn't, they're not telling you, but they wouldn't believe me. And I did. The conversation ended with them still not believing me and I went. See that I wouldn't give a fuck. But my point is what? What have I got to? Gain from line, yeah. From lying, right, Sorry about you know what I'm going to.
So I wrote a bit about it and I've actually ordered the actual birthsert off the Irish government copy of the births of paid 2250 for a fucking joke. Basically like, and in my next show, I'm doing this thing where I talk about, I've already written a bit about it's not in the current tour show, but like it's going to be talking about like reality, what people believe in that what they think they believe and what they believe is right, even when they're dealt with facts.
And it's all like, before I came in here, I was like, I can't believe I'm buying a copy of my birth because someone to this day still believes I wasn't born in that hospital. If that person has any sense of humour when you show them it, they'll just go. You just made that. Oh, exactly? Yeah. Because it would be mental to order to prove them wrong. So they'll just assume that like no one would do that. You just, you just knock that up yourself on Microsoft PowerPoint
or whatever. You know, that's where I'm in my life that angry about it. Like so I took so. Weird. Like, why would you lie? You wouldn't lie for that. I mean like, you know what I mean? It's not like. So, so it's it's it's it stayed with me and I was like, I need to prove this. Yeah, yeah. Even though I don't need to prove. Anything but also you could be born. You could be born in the backroom of an HMV. Like it doesn't. You don't have to be in a
hospital to be born. I don't understand that people get born at home. Don't they get born in swimming pools in their house? But water Burt isn't. That, yeah, and. Then the husband has to stand by the way, nap for the poo. No. Did you have to do that? No. I don't make kids. I know midwives. Tell you what, we had two water births. Yeah, that wasn't the thing. No Pooh or no nothing. I did. You had a Pooh? Yeah, end of the Pooh like. I bet you were in the pool as well. What are?
I wasn't the first time. Second time I was. Did you, did your babies get born in your house or did you go to hospital? You went to hospital. Hospital home from home, it's called, and there's a big bath there that the Philip did there. You're going to put your hand when that's all right. Yeah, of course. That's that. I don't know. It's brilliant. Is it? Yeah. Second time I first time they didn't say to me about getting in. I didn't even think to. And then second time they went
do you want to? And I was like. Yeah, and. Stuff so I can deliver. I deliver rubber ring on. So what's the benefit of what's the benefit of a Water Bert standard? First of all, like how relaxed do you be in the bath? Like bath relaxing, you're in a nice, nice temperature of a bath. You're relaxed instead of, you know, lying on a bed. So it's like a gravity thing as
well. So if if you're kneeling in a bath, it's a lot better than like apparently if you're lying flat, then the baby's trying to come out like this. Or is when the baby's coming out like that it's easier, more of a natural path of travel? The less pain for your wife. As well. I don't, I don't know. I just think it's it's a more. There's less trauma for the baby as well because the baby's in water and then comes right into into water. Yeah. OK. But it's mad.
Yeah, it's it's mad. Is there like a queue? What like do you go in like you know, when you finish? Like he has no. But like no. But like when you no but like. Pick me, pick me, Can I come right next? No, but like, you know, when you finish the baby's born and do they go listen, leave another one coming in there in 10 minutes? No, it's not really like that. There's other rooms that. All right. And stuff, but it's it's it's called home from home and it's unbelievable if people get the
opportunity. Like book it. You have to book it like. You don't necessarily, but you might be you might have a date where they bring in if if you've gone over, yeah, where they go. We're going to begin for this time. But no, you just you, you, you sort of pre sign up to it with your midwives stuff. You're like, this is our plan where we want to do this and
it's brilliant. Like it's not what I I thought it was going to be screaming women on a ward and everyone, you know, chaos and it was the complete opposite. It was like. Cam yeah. As calm as it can be, brilliant. It was, it was, it was good. I liked. It I bet your sons don't have any problems with their birth starts today, no getting questioned, but where they're swimming. Separate, let me take a quick second tell you that we are sponsored by none other than Nord VPN.
Look, it's getting to that time of year, the football's back, there's loads of boxing matches coming up, there's big sporting events, golf, badminton, you want to watch those, but maybe you're in a different part of the world than it means that they don't have the rights to it. They're not showing it. Maybe you're you have a Sky Sports package and you want to you want to access that, but you're in name of Contrail Guatemala, Guatemala.
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You sure about that? Don't think it was a hospital there, right? Yeah, I'll, I, I'll send the Sprint for Collite. Yeah. Black and Valley. As you eat them long. 35 years ago today. Well, tonight, 10:50 at night. I like your birthday by. The way I really like it. That's only time Andrews ever touched me. That's a weird thing. But. To care about the time you were born.
It's not that they care about the time, it's that we used to in the House of us as we ornament, we just get the V ornaments like it's gonna be weird. They were like we tiny ornaments with like they look almost like a like a little trophy. Umm, nobody else had these. Oh fuck. Uh, it's like a crawling baby and then all it would have your full name and your date of your more time of birth. What you like. No, Jesus, no, I'm an Anglican. Umm, but like efficient what I
have. Is Anglican Church of Ireland. Oh, you're, we get to wear the robes, but we don't have any of the guilt. That's beautiful. You know, I mean, that's what you want. So this Church of Ireland, the Catholic Church, and then there's Presbyterians. Yeah, and Methodist Baptist. Hold on, you're Protestant, Peter Church of Ireland. It's around problem. She's Graham Norton. Graham Graham Norton. Although I buy Pike step I would
say very different but. No, but like Graham Norton is was is from Bandon and Cork. But first of all, if you notice but his name isn't Graham Norton, you know that's not his name. What is it? Just a stage name? So it's a real name. Graham Walker. That's still like a chat show enough. Frank Mitchell over. Yeah, so great. Frank Mitchell's now. Frank Mitchell's new. Yeah, he's an actor like. From Frank Mitchell's Weatherman X Weatherman. I'll tell you how the EastEnders isn't there, Frank.
Mitchell, Frank Butcher. Frank Butcher. Mike Reed. I want bills. Don't you know Frank Butcher? You've seen him do stand up? No, it's mental. I imagine he's racist. Watching his voice, he is like an old school like club comic, like joke jokes. Yeah, but he does about 30 every minute. That's insane. There's a couple of you can get on YouTube like a couple of specials He did like after he was already Frank Butcher and he is funny like, but it's exhausting.
But not my favourite soup butcher, I'll say. Ashley, I'll say. Fred Elliot, Yeah. He. Died everything, yeah. The character of the man. The man, The character. Died years character still just a shadow. Yeah, yeah. So can I just say, Joe, what I'm watching on telly at the moment, the secret laser of the waves of Mormons. Oh yeah. I've heard about this. I thought this was. Shagging each other, right? The wives thrush the HLA.
Fucking throw I don't like. So hold on, hold on, tell me through this because not sex, please God. But I mean, I thought this was a drama when I heard this. The lives of Mormon wives. Whatever. There is a drama, but the same thing called Big Love, right? Which about a guy with three wives, Yeah. So what is what? Are they allowed to be married to multiple people? No. So so Julie, where's? This at America.
Yeah, Utah. So basically Julie and I've been starting to watch the Housewives of California, the Housewives in New York. And then we got into the house, The house, The Housewives of Dubai. We do an hour every day during the dinner. When we have dinner, we watch the Housewives. That's our routine. Trashy moves. I love it. I love the TV on at dinner. I love it. I always. When we chat about it like it's all women gaslighting each other, it's talking toxic, right?
And they, and so anyway, she said to me, there's the Mormons waves. This one is in Utah. So we watched 3 episodes, right? Holy, holy Jesus. Oh no, we finished the dinner and me, you know, I know you probably. Don't say to him he wouldn't know what that's like. Well, I didn't. Say that's what you were going to. Say you must know my wife used to watch Below Jack when we were having dinner. So great show. Great show. And now your marriage is.
Below that you have a too much. Love blow deck. Love blow deck. You're nuptials drowned. And I was going to say it. Yeah, yes, you've got to watch these. Got to watch these. More we go back to the awful that. One I. Know. Yeah, Sorry Andrew, the Mormons right to get married very young OK? Like 19/20/21. They don't drink and they've strict church rules. A Brandon Flowers from The Killers as a Mormon. Are they the ones who get to have the year out?
Yeah, yeah, right. Yeah, but anyway, let's know. Some of them go on, some of them go off to. The Amish have this thing. Yeah, the Amish have the thing were like going on for a year. For a year, you're allowed to do whatever you want. And then either you can come back to the community and never do any of that ever again, or you can stay doing that, but you can never come back, right? So quite strict in it, yeah, but they don't drink and stuff for
that. But to get married really young and they're all about praying and all that kind of stuff. And they all have a community. And they have. It has a DRY state, isn't it? I'm not sure it is. Yeah, probably, probably like they're Saturday nights now. They they, their vice is sodas. So they cooks like that's all they drink. They'll they go and have parties and it's all just Diet Cokes and stuff.
That's their excitement, right? But they're all, but a lot of them are like just the husbands are married to get married and the husband's been caught on Tinder. And then there's one woman in there. She's a swinger. Like it's fucking mad. So she won't have a pint, but she'll swing. I feel like that's an inconsistent moral. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it's just. Journal Blue WKD No, but let me suck off a stranger, yeah? And so they're all.
Quite if you're suck somebody off, they're no longer a stranger or a. Close personal friend. Yeah, gentle, but but you I highly I highly recommend you get into it. We you look for something like it's, it's just like it's insane in. One of those. Yeah, because they're all the all the personalities in it. And then all these housewives shows are all about people preparing for an event, going to an event. There's a fallout at the event.
Yeah. Then there's the aftermath of the event, and then you prepare for the next event. All they're doing is going to events and there's bitchiness and fighting. That's all these. It seems to be a. It's a. Formula What right? What is the What are Mormons that What are Mormons believe in? So. Latter Day Saints, so.
Basically Broad strokes is like that in I think the 1800s, there's a guy called Joseph Smith who like God came to him and gave him golden tablets with like Busy said, the New Testament wasn't the last of the Bible. There's this new bed of the Bible, and then so they follow that. So there's Christian elements. Patron. It's Patron. Right. Yeah, yeah, You pay if you could have. But so they, because there's so
few of them. For a long time, men were allowed to have multiple wives to try to increase the number, but now they're not allowed. There's some very extreme sex that would allow, but sex a little lot. But the norm, the mainstream church doesn't allow that anymore. But basically they have their own Bible. Other Christians would say they're not Christians, but they probably consider themselves to be Christians. Right they love right, right who are into it like I'm God and writing and.
Writing God and Diet Coke. Right. And God. And soda. That's what there's a comment, everything, writing and God. What's the number one soda can ioffer my take first? Yeah. Doctor Pepper unrivalled boom up there. Coke. Coke Coke, like full fire coke over coke? Or do you just eat? Do you drink Diet Coke because you try? I've been drinking wrong when I invoke Do you have Diet Coke because you're trying to be health conscious? Would you rather have coke?
Do you prefer the taste of Coke or do you actually? If you could pick, would you pick Diet Coke? Diet Coke. Rusting the big question today. All all day diet. Coke it's also it's a false economy doing the old or drink Diet Coke to like be healthy because it's full of carcinogens like the the the artificial sugar is far worse for you than sugar. And then they've got the zero Coke 0, which to bypass the sugar taxes, yeah, yeah, but that's still full of there's a
sweetener. Yeah, I like a Pepsi Max. Non again, if I was going to have a zero, yeah, I'll be Pepsi Max. Pepsi Max is like. Good mixer, but. When was the last time you had a Pepsi? Oh. Only only one at a cinema that I'm annoyed up, like, you know, yeah, I was just a Pepsi, like a for fuck's sake. Yeah, I saw that meme that went round. It was Pepsi should rename itself. We only have Pepsi because everyone goes in the cooks pet. It's Pepsi. Is that OK?
You're never in a nice hotel and they go, we only have Pepsi. That never happens. It's always in the shit. It's one of them like restaurants here that take American thing, you know, like Mississippi. Diner. Mississippi Cletus's, you know. Oh yeah, yeah, they love having those in Lesburn restaurants that have a place from America. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know a little hack, a little life hack for you? Do you ever go to a restaurant, bar or hotel or something?
Like you go up to the court and you say can I get say 2 diet Cokes? And if they have the gun, you know the gun to spread a gun. Always get your drink with noise. Did you get more? Because you get more And then gas for a glass of ice so you don't get ripped off in the cork. On the side. Yeah. So like I go up when I go. So sometimes I go out and I go kind of Diet Coke and I go is it a bottle or is it a gun?
And they'll go or to go another noise and then they fill it up to the top because they have to. And then you go uncovered last place. Oh. But. If it's a bottle, I'm like, I'm totally cool with that. But doesn't work in like McDonald's because it's they just hit a button. Yeah, it's. Fine, if I'm in McDonald's, I'm going through hell anyway. Why McDonald's? You know, but if I'm in McDonald's, I'm in a dark place. It needs to get darker. I'm not going there for
happiness. So, so if things aren't going well, if things are going well, we can find under Ryan. He's in Springfield. When you see McDonald's, there needs to be a phone call made, right? Yeah, Andrews, not too well today. Yeah, yeah, McDonald's. Yeah, McDonald's is the two o'clock 1:00 in the morning after a rare complaints I need something like. See, what I like about it is it's reliable. Do you know exactly?
It's not the best, but you know exactly what you're going to get in the McDonald's. It's consistent as well, you know what I mean? You go to KFC. Every KFC is different, like some of them are all right, some of them are horrendous. You get McDonald's to see him. All of them are identical. Did you have any food after the show last night? Your your post gig eater guy. Not as much as it used to be. It used to be lethal.
I used to like whenever before I drove because you'd have paints, I used to get the taxi to go, to go through the drive for it. First for McDonald's, that's cheeky and then we the metre, the metres rolling. He was happy enough. Did you get it to buy my burger? Like, yeah, well. What I did do was pretend to be on the phone to somebody to justify the amount I was ordering. You're like, yes, love will get all that, no. Sweat I-20 Mcnuggets. I if you insist, like, all
right, you know. For you and the kids. Yes. 3:00 and 3:00 AM. Yeah. So you're back to A1 bed flat. But hold on with the drivers. Ever would a driver would be like no, I mean I prefer but didn't do that or like not they. Never said that. I mean, if he had, I'm not I'm not confrontational. So out of went no worries, you know, but. You've ever had a fight with a taxi driver? No. Oh, they're argue with a lot of people. I don't actually. Yeah, you're the common. I don't.
I actually don't, yeah. I don't know, you're not well, but I feel like you're quite difficult. He is definitely. I'm not difficult, I am not which. Is exactly what a difficult person would say. Somebody wasn't difficult would go well if you say no, no. You know what I mean? I I very high level of tolerance. Right. I just have 0 tolerance when it comes to. What's your issue with taxi drivers? No issue with taxi driver, but have you argued 1? No. Oh, they're they always win, but.
What do you have in the argument about like price? Yeah, like I had a taxi pick me up at the airport and it was raining and he wouldn't drop me up to me homes. It was too short a journey. Oh, your house in not only. Yeah, Well then he's going to lose his place in the queue and he's going to have to pay. That's the lottery. Like driving the cabs a lottery. But he doesn't have he can refuse to. Listen right, he didn't, he didn't refuse the fair. I said I'm sorry, it's pissing
rain. So look, I'm only got up the road. I always give him an extra tip because I appreciate the journey. And I did say no, it's something. And he was like, I've been waiting here and this is the fail I get. And I went it's a bit of taxi drivers lottery. You don't know what's getting in. You could get a great fare up to Ballymena. You could get a small fare into the city and back out again. That's the game like, but you. Appreciate. He talked me, yeah, but I even
was annoying me like. But you pay back so hard as well. Yeah, I know. I didn't get in tip him and I made sure he dropped me a little bit away from me house. I didn't want to see me house just in case. I've for you know. So I, I think I'm no, but like he should. Being a taxi driver is a lottery of giggling. You don't know, you can't demand. I'd only pick up people where I can make Turkey quid or something like it's just it's a lot. All right, he doesn't have to take you.
Could he not have been like go go with someone else? Or is it a line of them and you've got to get? It's the line, yeah. Right, right. OK, Yeah. Yeah, yeah, Oh yeah. But like, what if you get an Uber? Like they know exactly where you're going, so they. That's why they always refuse it, like if you're already on the road like. No Uber. Uber always pick you up. Me and Willie were not enough.
Uber is around. Me and Willie were an Uber in Bristol and Eastern European guy coming out of the airport. One mile out of the airport heading towards Bristol hits the world's biggest pothole. It was like a creator and his fuma, but we're trying not to laugh because it was like Borat being annoyed did. They have to pull in or anything. Borat is an Eastern European. His. Central Asia. His, his car blew up, basically the tyre blew up like it was a
flat straight away. And he continued to drive on it and I went and I went you might need to stop driving. And then he was basically like basically saying he needs to get us to where we need to go, which was another like 15 miles. I was like, no, no, you need to pull over and he's like the the wheels OK. And I went, but it's not going to be if you continue to drive. For 15 major cars, not gonna be. OK, please, for your own six, stop driving. And then he pulled in and he was fuming.
I was like, do you have a spare? I was like, he like, he just didn't know what to do. And that's the difference between taxi drivers and like a guy who's just doing Uber on the side for a bit. He had no idea about his car. And I was like, you want to see if you've got a spare? And I'm like, I'll change it. Like I don't care about we have ages, we're not on the time schedule. Like I'll change your tyre if you want, or it's maybe one of those ones you file your stuff into.
And he was just fuming. So I was like, he's like, sorry. And I was like, no, sorry that you're this happening to you. But we just, we booked another river. So we pulled in, we booked another river and then he just like drove off. He's like, right, let's see you later. Without fixing the tyre. Back on the motorway. Did he have a spare? He didn't have a spare, he said He was driving to a garage.
But I was like. I don't have spare and I live in fair that you know, I just I don't I don't trust those puncture repair kits. They're just. Bollocks. That's like, that's like the equivalent of that's like motor bareback. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, you're like, if I think was wrong, I'm fucked. Yeah, it's not a scenario where I can just change away. I went there with a girl once and I said to her like if you got roadside assistance or did. You mean that like protection
contraception? Yeah, no, if you've got, you've got roadside assistance, like right. So I mean, she had a flat, she had a flat tyre. Right, a hand job. The we it's what? A hand job in the layback. So she had a, she had a, she had a flat tyre. And I said your, your tyres flat. And she went, yeah, it's been like that for a week. And I went, well, you're going to have to do something about it. Seems like it's like a slow puncture or something like that,
right? Like I was, have you got a spare tyre? And she goes, I don't know. So I went to the booth and I lifted off the thing and she didn't have a spare. And it goes right. Well, we were, we were like getting, we were going off on a drive and I said, you can't have you got I've got a pump rent in like to get you to the garage. I said, right, so say for, as I said to her, like, so say, if you're driving on the road now and this blows out, what what are you going to do?
And she goes, I'll just ring my dad. I said, your dad lives two hours away. And it goes and I was like, have you got wrote an assistant? She was like, no, I just, I just ring my dad. I said, yeah, but what I'm saying you can't let your dad can't do anything. He's two hours away. You need to be. You need to be dealt with immediately. Oh, I no. We're getting we're back to the hand job and a lady. I've been dealt with immediately. Like your dad can. You're not going to sit for two
hours with your dad. Hi, there's going to be a sexy aim. So I drove the car to the garage and she paid like 6070 quid to get a new tyre and I said like, but I said were you ever going to do this? She was like, no, I was just going to just keep driving. I just went, we're not going to work, I bet. You shouldn't get that woman. I bet she was soaking after all that. It. Was after a lecture of all. Lecture, lecture. I did it very. I said it. Wasn't the lecture your dad's two hours away?
He can't help you. But he can't. That sounds like a threat to be honest. Yeah. Or is your daddy away? No, Daddy's here. Have you ever? I never want to hear that. You ever called anybody Daddy? Even if you have or, you know, not called anybody that being called. You know what I'm saying? Have you? Ever seen a car stuck on the side of road and pulled in to help? Depends entirely in the scenario. Yeah, I. Don't want to get in the way like I didn't hear somebody fucking useless to help.
Have you ever like if you ever done that? No, I. Was an older person or something? Yeah. And they look like they didn't know what was happening. Of course I'm going to help, but because obviously then I'll, you know, I'll phone the local press and see if they can send someone, like take photos. Yeah, I would help. I would help someone if I felt like they needed help. Yeah, but if somebody has an under control and no, I'd be like better at that than you would think.
If you have a flat, I'll change it. Yeah, I could. Believe that, no problem. I worked in a petrol station. We used to change tyres all the time like so, but. The fact that I can change the tower convinces me that anybody can change the tower, yeah. We've got to talk about the roast last night, right? Umm, we did the the roast of William Thompson last night in the black box. It wasn't just a William fuck me. I mean, everybody got it.
The panel was me, Willie, Dave, Tim McGarry, Allen Jazz, Luke McKibben, Jordan Robinson. Mackey and Ian. Mickey Bartlett. Ian Thompson There was a lot of people initially said no to this. Then there was people who said yes. But then at the last minute we're like, you know, no, I can't. So fair play to everybody who got up and did it. It was brutal. It really was brutal. But I think 90% of it, 95% of it was like brutal but fine. And then there was 5%.
That was brutal but horrific. Yeah. But if you'd walked in during it, like I did a thing at the start, I was supposed not where I was. Like, you will hear horrible things tonight. But just know that we have thick skin. We do stand up and we're friends, so we can sort of do this. It's not like you just send this to a stranger. But some of this stuff. I'm really excited to watch it back. See the vibe backstage? Oh my God, before the show started everybody like ha ha ha. Also on edge.
Yeah, nobody was having fun. Like nobody. Was having fun and. Like I thought I was. I was on 1st. I thought I was harsh, but I was like a fucking amused Bush. Like it was not Like it was just like, oh, we taste of what's to come. Like it was. So did you go in like quite light? Not light, but like I thought it was harsh enough to I wasn't nearly as harsh. Give me an example of something you said.
She and taught you know, she and Todd you could argue that he's the best looking comedian and I comedy, although looking at this stage that's like being the sexiest man in the Hospice. Good line. Yeah, it was a good line. And I like because there's a compliment, then they're kind of. Sort of King of the Dwarfs, you know? I said, I said. But enough about William. Allen's new girlfriend is 10 years younger than him. People can't believe it when they see her. They go, whoa, she looks great
for 45 now. Well, Dave did the other one when he went. Alan's girlfriend, 10 years younger than you wouldn't think Alan's only 25. William said Alan loves wrestling children to the ground. Which I want to know how did he know that's? By the way, Tim McGarry. Unbelievable. Tim played possum all week. Apparently he was on the down and all because he come, they record upstairs their part and he's like, I don't know what a roast is, I don't know what I'm doing, What do I say?
Tim shows up just murder picture like. Bullets everywhere. I thought he was really interesting to watch because I think before he was on I was like, God, he's not laughing that much. And then I realised he was rewriting in his head and then once he was done, he was laughing at everything. He'd relaxed then. Yeah, yeah. But it was like it just got up because he started quite slow. Yeah, I thought he's not going. He's not going to go that hard.
He started like he didn't understand the rules kind of thing. He looked like he was written a bit and I was like, oh, he's not planned. And then he just was like, here we go. I, I was on, I was hosting. So I opened and I was real nervous, but I was delighted to go first because it gets out of the way and then you can just relax.
But when it gets running, everyone talking about you, you're like, here we go. But it was, it was smashing and it was people were like nothing was off the table, nothing. No, and you say like no sacred car says. We all kind of secretly roasting each other as well as. Well, that's what you do. So you go right to roast the welly, but you roast everyone else on the panel. Oh, see, I don't. Then you finish, I think. You finish, what do you? Sorry, the.
Way that mine was, it was like maybe 2 jokes about each person and then a big tan about William. Oh, right. OK at about 7 jokes about everyone and then 10 minutes. Yeah, I think we're already behind here, fucker. Come on, I was asked to do yeah, but it wouldn't be my thing. I can understand. I don't think I would do another one. I loved it, but I don't think I would do it again because it felt very exciting to do it. Probably the same even though I
did the boxing twice. I feel like I do, but the last boxing, which is I loved it and it's good to say you've done it, but I don't necessarily think I'd do it again. I think we got it right. So I would hate to do 1 where you go or I've really upset that person or. I think it's well, it would only work again. You'd have to have almost an entirely different panel because there's only so many jokes you can make.
Like, yes, you know, even by the end it was I felt bad for the people going towards the end because they were dropping jokes because they were like, well, somebody's actually done not already. Yeah, you know. They've touched on us. Yeah, yeah and yeah is. It is it you wouldn't like the idea of what people say about you or what you would say about other people. Well, I've seen rose battles in England like I've seen. I've been to see them at the Edinburgh Festival.
Used to. One year the festival did a rose battle, I think every turn to Friday, Saturday. Oh. So I see. So that's what, 1V1, yeah. But I, I obviously seen this and I've seen this in America in terms of, you know, there's a Justin Bieber 1. Wasn't. Yeah. Yeah. So I've seen bits of it. I know, I know the form, I know how it works. You stand up, you make joke, blah blah blah. I forgot that you actually go
around the other people as well. And for me personally, I am, it doesn't, it wouldn't suit me to be shitting on someone. And when you like, I get it and I and I think that there's a place for it, but I think it's there's a place for it for maybe certain personalities, but I. See, I think it works best when you don't normally do that sort of stuff exactly because it's like, yes, it's you're writing material that you wouldn't normally write. Plus you're going to get shit on. Yeah.
So it's fine. It's all. It's all fair love war, isn't it? Yeah. It evens itself out. Like I don't think anybody to getting sick last night which. Was. Plus, I'm not going to say anything about Alan that isn't true. No, that isn't that. Either he doesn't talk about in a set subject matter or that we wouldn't say on a pod. If you get me, I'll do an extreme version of it, but I'm not going to suddenly say something.
Like if I told you something privately, you're not going to bring that up in front of 200 people. Exactly. See, someone did that to someone else, but hey. Right. Yeah, but we have a bit of dignity and decorum about it. So was there? Was there beef? That was what good. Margo's extra beef. Exactly. All right, so there's beef. So let's you look, look. You got a bit Trump there. Very bad. They're eating the dogs. Wow. I shot on TV that it was yeah.
I mean, I would say there was a couple of moments where I was like, yes, you know that, You know that meme of the guys like. This could go right away. Yeah. You did say to me before we started recording that a couple of you talk to me. My listening face is quite intense so I just looked raging even though. Somebody left. Oh. That's true, actually. Oh, OK. So. So it was, it was, it was but.
That's why it's worth keeping this Patreon subscription going up. It's going to be released like I want to see all this. What did what did you guys think of it as like innocent bystanders last night? Did you think it was more extreme than you thought, or or tamer than you thought or what? I thought it went and that'll be more extreme towards the middle, towards the end of start was what I was expecting. And then I think Tim went pretty hard. Ian, Luke Mcgibbon started.
Yeah. Look really went hard actually. It looks such a lovely cuddly guy. Look at that. Like inside him. He was writing like he had. Well, he said, Luke's been writing since August. Yeah, he had like dozens of jokes for every person. Yeah, which is just mental. Yeah. Wow, I think I don't know. I don't know how I would take it. Do you know what I mean? But I like there are comedians.
I'm not doing anymore rough stuff because it hurts me and I like, I actually admire that's somebody going to know what. Yeah, I just take. It too personal. Oh, I wouldn't like think like, why would you not do that? Yeah, I'm saying I wouldn't do it again.
Yeah, we're going into like, like the way I look at this, like if you're chatting to if you're doing a normal stand up gig and you're chatting to the crowd and what's your name, where you from, what you do and you have that's very quite lace, yes. I mean, but if you're doing a roast, are you like the roast to me seems like you're going into family stuff, you're going into relationship stuff that. A lot of stuff about dead parents, things like that, yeah.
So like my point is like, you don't know that when you're bantering with the front row of crowd, you're keeping it quite light. You know what I mean? That kind of stuff is fine, but I think if you're going to stuff that people are actually, you know, have issues with and I've had issues with, I don't really know, Like I like, I wouldn't know if I'm talking to someone on a front row what their family life has been like, you know what I mean? So there's a bit of a difference.
We know each other better. So like, say one of my parents were dead. I might be someone who leans into that of my ACT or on jokes, you know, sees this silly side of that on appalled. Yeah, like everyone might be somebody who goes the other way. And I'm like, that's off limits for me. If everyone knows that's off limits for you, then that should. Never actually that was, I mean, we were out.
Everybody was asking is there anything you just are like this is just a no go. Like it's too personal. So did William have off limits that he's have stuff that was off limits have? To tell me like he had nothing off. Not enough limits, okay. But most of us were like, like most. A couple of like it's more like things like I'm just telling you what my red line was. I was like, look, you can talk about me being divorced, but don't talk about personal details of my ex-wife. That's of.
Course, Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because she's not there to defend. She's not. It's not to do. It you know about other people, like there's nothing anyone could have said up to me about me last night that would have. So what did somebody tear into? He tore into you about being the best luck and guy in the Hospice? What? Else he was boring. Yeah. So what else? What else did you get? What else did you get? Like what did you get?
What? Else did you get that's right, I got you know younger younger girlfriend, younger girlfriend those stuff from my ex-wife Jordan did a joke about my mom Hans Mullman. Yes, It looked like Hans Mullman and groundskeeper Willie and Jordan did a joke about my mom that he nearly didn't do, and then everybody booed him until he did it. Yeah. And he showed me it, and I think that's fine. Go ahead. And it was.
I'm not repeated. See, see, to be honest, there's a couple of lines I could tell you that are just it's in the wrong context. I'd tell you now and you'd be like, that's fucking terrible. But if you were in the in the environment of everyone going, I'm cool with this, Dave. 'S joke about your hands was really funny and it works. Dave said. That can I do it? She and Todd's fingers are so long he uses his deck for foreplay. What is he talking about? What the? Hell, he's not joking.
I don't even get a good look at those. I got looks. Like it's gonna light up at the end. I got some Mike McGoldrick. I got some Mike McGoldrick stuff, right. I got Yeah, Alan, call me Boren. What I actually said was he asked questions of his audience. Questions like what if Colin Gaddis was boring it? Didn't land on the night either. But I didn't. It didn't play the back. I got the joke, but it was worded wrong. But all right, deck fingers, fuck me. You be careful. You.
What? You got a finger Me. Yeah. Oh no, I'd hear that. You could do that from over there. Like the stairs? That's interesting. So somebody left out. That's quite cool. That's quite tricky. One of that I just don't know. It's well like I'm but did Willie want this? How did this go? Away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Also, it's his idea this week, Yeah. Well, he's a number one guy for like, he's like, go for it. There's nothing you can say to Willie that's gonna offend them.
And he just sat in a big chair like this in the middle of everyone and just got it from all angles. And then he got the hit back at the end with his and it was it was fun. It's funny. Look at some faces in the audience last night of people who know they're going to a roast. I at the start go, you're going to hear some stuff tonight. That's wild. Just know that this is what we do. And then there was still people. And even thought that wasn't that wild like this, people in
the audience were freaking. I saw, I saw Ross, Sorry. I saw Roast in Edinburgh couple years ago and one of the comedians that was doing it was the one to one one, you know, that ended up being on the TV. And yeah, they stormed off halfway through it because the guy did. A person that was roasting him went somewhere they shouldn't have went. Yeah, the person was in the. Wrong. There is a line.
I think what happened was, I think from what I was told, no, I could be completely wrong here, but they were exchanging texts and were like, look, man, you know, we're doing this thing on Wednesday or Thursday, whatever it is, you know, tell me what's what, what to not talk about. I think your man sent back two things and said, look, my dad's got cancer at the moment, so that's one thing.
And also this thing, whatever it is, sort of guy went on stage then and then spoke about one of the two things. And the guy and the. Guy was like, and apparently there was like a chain of text messages where the other guy had agreed not to talk about it and he had the chance that like, do you know what? If you're going to go below the belt, I've kept everything that you've said.
Yeah. And then and then, and then I think, I think I was the first one I saw and it kind of left a bit of a real sour taste at the gig because it was quite early on. Then the next one I went to, they were all like, Oh yeah, just go for me, Just go for me. And then happened some. I just thought like, there's having the crack and there's been a bit of a prick. Yeah, yeah. I think sometimes people who can just, they can get the lines blurred, you know, And I think
I'd rather reduce, I think. You go outside those red lines, you're being a personal show, like, But there was nobody last night when I left where I was, like, they were a Dick to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was a bit. Fun, still friends with everyone. But also as well as like I, I wouldn't know I'm right. How do I how am I going to RIP Alan Irwin? How am I going to RIP shame? Because I don't write like that. Don't. Point to me with those.
Sorry, I thought it was more than one finger. Well, you know what I mean. His face, or lack of. You know, I do have a small face. I've got a wee. The line was said last night that. No, the ratio to my head. The line was said last night. Small head above your eyebrows is small. Hold on, this is confusion because somebody else said have a forehead that just won't quit. So like, what is it? It's not beginning.
The The line was said last night that Alan could hide his facial feature behind the digestive biscuit. Which, by the way, is a joke that I wrote about 10 years ago. Actually, it was something my mom, my mom said to me. If you were, it'd be, it'd be interesting, yeah. I'd never do anything like that. I hope she wasn't watching last night. She wouldn't hang out of it. She hit a staff. Company. Your mom? Yeah, she passed on. Oh, I am. Also, right.
Bring it down there. Bring it down there, Sorry. Andrew, how you enjoying turn at the minute? Yeah, four shows in so far, so good. Well, yeah, it's been good. What do you mean? What? What then you like? No, didn't know I'm actually enjoying it like I am enjoying it. The crowds of grey. What's been the best one? Second night in Portrush was really was really amazing, I must admit. Just one of those when you're in a zone and you're like a great
room, it's just that this. Is the one that's the cinema. Screen the Playhouse. Yeah, yeah, that's great. The two shows in and Skillet the early did an early in a late the early show the microphone broke, but we got to fix Africa, so I had to do it without the microphone. It was just a sound issue. But we got it resolved and it was the day parade was on and then it's killing. But there was also religious people outside protesting. So, pride, are you? No, but like.
I won't have had they were able to double up. This guy's not even from Ireland, so. Immigrants stand up. Yeah. So when I was on the microphone when I it was one of those where you were like, OK, So what made a couple of kind of gags about it like you have come tennis getting you can't even get, you know, it's you know, you're trying to like deal with, but it kind of went on a bit too long. Yeah, I've had.
That and then I kind of like a had to just kind of be like, OK, we're going to be fine, you know, and then OK, what's your name man? And I'm trying to gear move all the gear sticks around. And then once the break up then went out and I did the show, then everything was fine.
And then it was a but you know what, they've all been really good, but I think it's the first time I've kind of gone and I felt that that change of gear in terms of audience, in terms of like, you know, you spend years like going up to clubs, like, right, I'm going to be I'm going to do really funny 20 minutes now you and I hope they like me. Now you walk out and you're like, all right, chill, I'm here. It's all right. It's like a flipping it and it's
just getting used to that. Like they they like you Hopefully, hopefully, hopefully. What do you think about it? Like 50% of the audience probably like you and in the other 50% are brought because I've, when you come to this with me. Yeah. So you've already got half the crowd hopefully on board. And then you hopefully you don't lose them, you know?
The best one me and well he did last week, was on My field host her was Newcastle Time Theatre. Yeah, too big with hindsight, like venue hold 600 and it's like the operas and I had one Full disclosure, like 180. So like the floor wasn't filled and it's a big high. Yeah, Yeah. So I was like, oh fuck, this is going to be a shit show. Complete disaster for the audience. Tell you what one of the best shows ever it was. And him I've ever gagged in Newcastle, they've been great.
It's just done. Well I've normally do the stand and I should have done there but I got offered a bigger 1 and I took it and I shouldn't have. But no, I want to go back and do it full because I was like that was the best. Can I just say I'm very lucky, eh, with all my sales so far and I'm very appreciative of it. But I have a show in England and. It's. 100 seats right? Right. And I've done 34. Well, I'm in a 400 seater in Cardiff and I've done that team right. I've done 34 right, OK.
So that's four times. Like 2 kings crown about their lack of money like this is. That shows cost to me money. But anyway. But my point is this, I can guarantee it. That could probably be one of the best shows in the tour. Yeah, yeah. So because when you go in with a low expectation and you also just remember I, I did tour support for somebody once in Leeds Variety, which is theatre in Leeds and they'd 40 people in
and it's about like 500 people. And it was, I think, the best show on the tour support that I did from. I give you play into it in the right way and don't seem annoyed at the people who are there they. Still make the effort like the. Worst thing you can do is act like you're not arsed because there's no exactly money as they would have if it was so. Exactly. Definitely. And also you say to them, look, guys, I'm so happy that you came out. Yeah, yeah, I really appreciate it.
I noticed a small crew of us, but you know what? That's all. Do it. Yeah, that's why I'm not counselled like that. You're right. That car, if one I'm going to lose like money, that's fine. But there's people there who want to see the show, so they're going to see the show. And the other thing is if you cancel, those people are not bad taking next. Exactly. They go off fucking plans and all.
Can I just say 2014 I did the Gill balloon in the Edinburgh Fringe would a really shit show right? And after about 3 days I went what have I done? But anyway, Long story short, my first night, my agent was standing outside the door and it was a it was the second. It was one of the preview nights and I said how many of I got in and he just went just going enjoy. He goes. I was how many of I got in, he goes. What was the Cup?
A 52 or something he goes. I got so many of you got any because Andrew enjoy it. Three. OK, now I did the full hour to those three people. There was a couple and it was just one person on their own and I walked up and I had a great time with the freedom right. And every single year I did the Fringe, they came to every
single show. Yeah. And every year they would wait for me and they went, we remember a day there was a couple, the one person didn't come, but it was the couple that came every year, right? And they said, we remember seeing you in the blue. And when I was at the Fringe in August, they came again and said we are so happy to have seen you, you know. But like, I remember one year at the Fringe, I was in like a 96 seater, and I was selling it well enough, right?
And they came and said four years ago, we saw you, and there's only three of us, and we have followed you because you still did it. You still went ahead. And I always said to the Compass and Willie this year at the Fringe, right, You know, he had a couple of tough days at the start, as we all do. And, you know, that's the game. I said, Willie, you're in the trench, man. And this is where. Yeah, this is where you show your salt. Know what type of comic area are you doing it? Give it.
You know, I mean, you don't pull out of this shit when things go great. Oh, well, you write it, trust me. And you did not pull out. But like, when things go great, you write it. And when things don't go great, you stick at it. Yeah. And I think that's the difference. Yeah. Yeah, I had the same experience that the French ones I'll talk about all the time to American guys and my dad. I did. One brilliant one. Person he was a mate of mine. He's like, I mean, I've come to
fucking. You have to do. It and you. Did it? What do we hear? So I did it and then I got to the last bit and he went, we had this is the bit of it, Richard Nixon. I said, yeah, he goes, I don't like that, but just leave it there. Got it. About 45. Yeah. Did you hear about the guy in England that turned up to do a show in the Fringe and no one there? So he had a tech as well? I think it was a Free French show. No, this wasn't this year. No, it was a few years ago.
He turned up and the tech was earning and said a show was down at 3:00 and it's like 5 past 3 and there's no one there. And he goes, right. So the tech is a bit like, you know, zipping up the coat and he goes, look, all the best. But I'm actually just going to do the show anyway, even to an empty room but just as the tech. Wasn't even in the room.
Just as a rehearsal. So the tech would say that again, he goes, you can shoot off, but I'm just going to stay for the hour and I'm going to do it. You don't turn the lights on or turn the mic on. So he apparently moved the mic stand to one side and the tech like stayed and watched him just do the show and he went. Good evening ladies and gentlemen. You all good and left for and left gaps for a cheer. Incredible. And then he comes and goes.
Thanks very much for coming in. How did you hear about the show? Oh, excellent. And he had been. Making bar look at night. And he actually did the detect left apparently after a while, but apparently your man did and he left gaps for the last. Unbelievable. So there's not a fine line of commitment and mate, you need to go. Maybe just enjoy it. Joy, an hour to yourself. Tree falls in the woods is making noise like if no one shows up their friend show, does
the comedian still do the act? And they answer yes. Unbelievable. Alan, you have a show coming up in the Sun floor. Yeah, when? When's the site? Probably after that. Brilliant. Perfect. It's this Sunday. Oh yeah, right. So I the Early Show has sold out and in a moment of hubris, I've added a second show. Please, please, I know it's not cool to be desperate, but I'm going to have sex this way. I believe that you would enjoy my show and it's only it's a
tenor ticket. It's I think it's a good. I think it's a good. Show now you're very yelling you're you're a great stand up. Man back at it, he's on form and you might have seen him open for someone recently. You've got a little taster, go and get the main course. Won't see a full R baby, yeah. Excellent. Man, and if you don't like the last, but you can ask me to stop, yeah? So I'm going to go just an extra
bit the show off like. Description for that but go see out in the in the sun floor please and under your own tour you've been more turd it's. Yeah, just say I have a about 1520 tickets leftover for the studio at the Medium Forum on Wednesday the 11th or 12th October, something I'm doing Wednesday and Thursday after. But other than that, Opera House is just about there. And then that's it. Then I'll be taking quite a break. Then for 2025 I'll be on a big taking about maybe 6-7 months
off, no? No. Golf comedy every 10 months. No pods. A limited. Limited. I think the key thing for me where I am is, is a few things in a pipeline. Do my tour, thank you very much. I'm going to go away, write a new show, disappear for a while, and then kind of come back again. We're not a show, but I don't want to be like, you know, I basically, I'm very lucky to do what I do, but I also find that I need to have a bit of a life as well.
Yeah. And the radio has been great to me and deposits of it up. But also it's about no, you know what? You know, I get married and I want to kind of spend some time with Julie and stuff, you know? See if you see the roast last night to my lesson. You said that and then said gay. That was the roast environment. I just said get married and enjoy it while at last.
Guys, thank you very much Alan Andrew for coming on links to the guys shows and tours are in the description patreon.com/T with me podcast, all the good stuff on their link for that in the description and not be there. That's where the rooster, Willy T will go next month. Next month after Fausty Seven with his eyes, folks, thank you very much.