And now, continuing my tale of finding myself in the untenable (yet fun) position of being an unreliable narrator of my own blog, today's podcast presents the second part of the Moving Days episode. In it we are given our final appearance of the Patron Who Must Not Be Named, as well as the penultimate appearances of some other rogue patrons.
(BONUS REPOST IN HONOR OF MR. KRESKIN'S APPEARANCE ON THIS WEEK'S PODCAST) One of the most astounding figures I encountered during my time at the "liberry" was our board president, Mr. Kreskin (not his real name). He was a very nice and capable human being, tirelessly juggling multiple complicated projects on the library's behalf. And from those projects arose many questions, only our two librarians were capable of answering for him. Unfortunately the ONLY time he was ever known to phone us at a...
When writing the original Tales from the "Liberry" blog, I often wrote multi-part stories some of which would span a week at a time. In July of 2008, I began a 21 part epic story called Moving Days that not only chronicled the journey my wife and I made in moving from Tri-Metro to a new home in Borderland, but also my library's move into a brand new building. And I finished that epic story in September. The thing is, I'd been playing something of the unreliable narrator for a while before starti...
(BONUS REPOST IN HONOR OF MR. SMILEY'S APPEARANCE THIS WEEK) Booksales. They're a necessary evil when it comes to "liberries." Where else are we going to get rid of the piles upon donated piles of Chicken Soup for the Dickweed's Soul, or any given Mitch Albom book? But they're a colossal pain in the ass to have to organize, physically set up, and, eventually, take down, not to mention all those people you have to turn away donations from cause they insist on trying to give you the one thing you ...
This is a special episode that doesn't directly adapt any of the entries from my original Tales from the "Liberry" blog, but which does feature an interview with a fellow former library blogger who was an influence on my blog. Natalie Biz was the author of Bizgirl, a library blog in which we got to read her adventures as a 20-something librarian in New Zealand. Along the way, we meet many of her coworkers and patrons, including a kid called Artemis who proved to be wildly inventive. When I first...
There are lots of blogs out there, and some of the bloggers who blog upon them blog about their workplace, coworkers and sundry crazy people they encounter on a daily basis. One does not have to look very far before discovering stories of bloggers who were busted (outed) as a workplace blogger and even horror stories of these busted bloggers subsequently being fired (or Dooced) for it. One might wonder, did I as a library blogger ever come close to such a Doocing scenario? Or, at the very least,...
(A BONUS REPOSTED SHOW IN HONOR OF THIS WEEK'S EPISODE "BUSTED!") An odd tale of an odd bird encountered in the wild, AWAY from the "liberry" proper. Doc Ock Fetishist Woman was never a patron, but she was about as nutty as any of our patrons ever got. Not a bad human being in the slightest, just exasperating. In fact, if she has committed any crime, it's probably that she cares too much... about inanimate objects. Also included in this tale is the story of the first time I was busted as a "libe...
(BONUS REPOST IN HONOR OF CHESTER'S PENULTIMATE APPEARANCE ON THE PODCAST THIS WEEK) Pedophiles: Public enemy #1. You've tried smelly sprays and perverticides, but pedophiles can smell too. They avoid sprayed areas and keep coming back for more. What you need is CHESTERKILL... ...Oh, I can't do it anymore. I so want to make light of our library's resident pedophile Chester the (Potential) Molester, but I just can't stand to do it. He was never a joke to us when I worked there and he's still not ...
I personally had many enemies (rogue patrons) during the writing of the original Tales from the "Liberry" blog. However, the collective library staff and at least one of the members of its board of directors had an arch nemesis for the better part of a year--a "book hoarding bizatch" I called Kammy K. She was a lady who managed to keep an interlibrary loaned book on the topic of retarding the effects of the aging process for well over 9 months, resulting in our library being banned from any more...
An assemblage of seemingly random tales (no, I didn't roll actual dice to choose them this time), of fun, frustrating, exuberant, and occasionally mystifying experiences I had from across the spectrum of my "liberry" career. Guest stars include, Cap'n Crossdresser, Barbara Turdmurkle (though you have to squint to see her), a bunch of patrons asking questions with perilously obvious answers, and a rather famous personage once portrayed by Mr. Robin Williams....
Among existing "liberry" patron archetypes, Conspiracy Guy and Stoner Lad are probably two of the more universal ones. Every library has them, sometimes in multiples. We did as well, but there were two specific people that embodied these roles for me. Alas, by the time I began to write my blog, they had more or less moved on. But on one perfect night, they afforded me a glimpse of their combined powers of archetypical representation. (Now who sounds like they're on drugs?)...
Those of you who have ever had service through DirecTV probably already know this, but it has been my experience that it sucks ass. A lot of ass. Copious amounts of ass. And not in a good way. I don't want to say that as a media distribution corporation they're a bunch of dirty liars willing to tell you anything you want to hear to get you to sign up, knowing full well that by the time you discover how much they've been lying to you in the first you'll be past their trial period and locked into ...
One of the patrons who I assumed would remain my arch-enemy for the life of the blog was Grumpiest Old Man in All the World, Mr. B-Natural. This turned out not to be the case, as by the time I ended the blog in 2008, Mr. B-Natural had stopped actively trying to piss us off and we had developed something of a grudging mutual respect. However, he still had his moments where the old grumpy soul would flare through, especially when his beloved Wall Street Journal cross word puzzles were endangered. ...
I'm no stranger to anniversaries. They happen every year. I've tried to keep secrets about my wife's birthday that have left me stranded and screaming in the middle of an interstate on more than one occasion after she pulls those secrets out of the air, seemingly by means that might even be unholy in nature. Eventually, I learned that a little bit of preventative maintenance went a long way in terms of keeping said secrets. Unfortunately, getting my wife to actually pay attention to my desire to...
IN HONOR OF MY IMPENDING WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, AND THE WEDDING ANNIVERSARY PODCAST THAT SHALL ACCOMPANY IT, HERE IS A BONUS REPOSTING OF LAST YEAR'S WEDDING ANNIVERSARY-THEMED PODCAST. Wedding anniversaries: for me they happen every year and this year my 12th anniversary just happens to fall on the day this episode drops, Sunday, February 5. So, because I have a sum total of ZERO football stories from the blog I could slip in here to create a different theme, and because I love my wife (those exc...
I'm no stranger to car troubles. I've owned cars that have left me stranded and screaming in the middle of an interstate on more than one occasion. Eventually, I learned that a little bit of preventative maintenance went a long way in terms of keeping me unstranded. Unfortunately, getting my mechanic to actually pay attention to me and fix the problems I could clearly hear were there was sometimes a more difficult process than dealing with a dead car. These are but some of those stories....
There are many books that are problematic for libraries. However, beyond the contractor's manuals, the three major tomes that created the most headaches for us were "The Da Vinci Code," "A Child Called It," and "The Five People You Meet in My Ass." These were wildly popular books that were perpetually on hold for EVERYONE. (We just cut out the middle man and automatically put patrons on hold with each new library card issued. Saved time.) Yep, these books blew the curve for all others because th...
Looking at the subjects studied in this week's podcast, I note that they are three separate men who skeezed out or were otherwise nasty to our staff during three separate decades, the 80s, 90s and 00s. Then, all three returned in the oughts to skeez out a new generation of library assistant, i.e. me. Join me for the tales of Mr. Creepy Guy, Mr. Butts and the patron known only as Red Alert....
One of the most colorful of our area eccentrics was a lady that we and the rest of the town knew as The Purple Nun. She was a lady who was always garbed in a purple nun's habit and carried the lifestyle to new and astounding levels. Hers was a strange and interesting life, which we only learned of via bits and pieces gleaned from the stories told of her by others. And pretty much everyone had a Purple Nun story to share. This is mine....
Tales from the "LiberryCAST" Theatre is proud to present, the Tales from the "LiberryCAST" Christmas Special: "A Christmas Carol Satan." Hark back to a time and possible alternate reality where Mrs. Carol Satan remained the Nastiest Patron Ever and we the "liberry" staff became bloodthirsty dispensers of "liberry" justice. This dispensed with, the Ghost of Carol Satan and her other newly and rapidly growing number of deceased Rogue Patron brethren must band together to save the soul of the next ...
I thought I'd wrapped up all my Christmas-based entries in a nice bow in the 2011 ChristmasCAST, but it turns out I missed a few. And a glorious few they are! Among the tales featured this week, we have a holiday tale of complaint and revenge delivered Santa-stle by board member Mrs. Day. And the tale of a Christmas miracle featuring none other than our formerly nastiest patron ever, Mrs. Carol Satan....
(A BONUS CLASSIC EPISODE FROM SEASON 1, IN HONOR OF MRS. CAROL SATAN'S UPCOMING CHRISTMAS APPEARANCES ON THE PODCAST) As much as I complain about nutty patrons, the vast majority of people I had to deal with on a daily basis were amazingly nice and appreciative folk, who would never think to question a fine, let alone whine about it and whose scant few complaints were limited to things like, "I wish the library was open even more often than every day, cause I love it so." Then, just when I was s...
(A BONUS REPOST OF LAST YEAR'S CHRISTMAS EPISODE, IN HONOR OF THE TWO NEW CHRISTMAS THEMED PODCASTS I'M POSTING THIS WEEK.) I loves me some Christmas Party. Yessir. Nearly my favorite kind of party due to high concentrations of fantastic food and drink and presents. Our "liberry" Christmas parties were especially fun, as we usually did them potluck style and stuffed ourselves beyond full with the amazing dishes created by the wonderful cooks I worked with (and am married to). But there are many ...
Among the five Grumpiest Old Men in All The World that I encountered and cataloged during my time at the "Liberry," the 3rd Grumpiest, Mr. Crab, was perhaps the most irritating on a day to day basis. For while he was not as frequent a visitor as 1st Grumpiest Old Man, Mr. B-Natural, and did more to keep the library in business than 2nd Grumpiest Mr. Smiley (a man who actively campaigned to prevent us from building a new building), Mr. Crab habitually provided us with a greater volume of shit tha...
BONUS REPOST IN HONOR OF THIS WEEK'S MR. CRAB-CENTRIC EPISODE In the past, I've chronicled small tales of Mr. B-Natural and Mr. Smiley, the first and second grumpiest old men in all the world respectively. However, the third grumpiest old man in all the world actually proved to be one of the more active antagonists in the history of the Tales from the "Liberry" blog. As I said last week , he's an honorary old white lady and for good reason; not only is he on par with the O.W.L.s in mere surlines...
Most libraries have a compliment of mentally handicapped patrons, but we in fact had one such soul on the staff. (No, not just Eternal Newbie Greenhorn Ms. S.) Though he rarely made appearances on the Tales from the "Liberry" blog, our volunteer staff member Lennie was a weekly presence in our lives, though not one without his quirks. For instance, getting him to leave the building could be a challenge, cause he was built like his literary namesake and could not be easily moved if he did not wan...
Honkies. They're a problem, be they people honking their car horns incessantly (or, in my case, to keep from being backed over in Walmart's parking lot), to crazy old white men, to people engaged in honking of a completely different and non mechanical nature. In honor of it being national honky week (and if it's not, I'm declaring it), this week's podcast is dedicated to the honks we love to hate.
We're all neophytes at something in life, but the number of people who remain computer neophytes in 2012 is still pretty astounding to me. Even more astounding are the people who are neophytes to libraries themselves--entire "famblies" of people who would only set foot in one if sent there by THEY. This podcast tells a few such stories that befell me during my time working for a "liberry." (Featuring a guest appearance by Parka.)...
(IN HONOR OF THIS WEEK'S EPISODE CELEBRATING LIBRARY AND COMPUTER NEOPHYTES, I REPOST EPISODE 5 OF SEASON 1, "THE BALLAD OF I.N. PHYTE.") Fact: There are still people in this country--young people, even--whose lives do not revolve around the internet. These are people who not only don't check their email every day, they don't even HAVE email. It's kind of refreshing, when you think about it. However, it can also be VERY frustrating when those same people turn up and decide to jump whole hog into...
When I was first planning this podcast, there were two entries from the original Tales from the "Liberry" blog that I knew I had to adapt. The first you can hear as the first episode. The next is this episode. For all the entries I wrote in my "Actual Conversations Heard in Actual Libraries" series, only a few were labeled as paraphrased and none were outright fiction.... well, except for one. I got pissed off at a certain set of real circumstances one day and started writing unreal dialogue. So...
