Personally with Dan Fuelsman.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
This is a holiday edition of Take this personally, and not a holiday edition that you were probably anticipating. Because I love Christmas. If you follow me on social media, It's my favorite season, my favorite time of the year, and I go all out and I'm starting to decorate on November first, and most of the time my decorations don't come down until February.
But knowing that this season is also a really tough.
Time for a whole lot of people, myself included, even though I love it, I wanted to do an episode that focused on the experiences that people are having right now, because though Christmas is filled with light and joy and pretty colors and sparkling lights, it's also filled with darkness and sadness and heartbreak.
It's one of those seasons.
That a lot of people experience their worst moments. And I'm even choking up saying this now, because I ask people on my social media to share their stories, share their struggles this season because I don't have all the struggles in the world. I have some, and I have my own, but I don't share everybody's and that's what makes us all unique, but reading the stories as they came in and the experiences that people are having, particularly at this moment in time, is heart wrenching and difficult.
And realizing that, gosh, we are just all so small and we all have so many things that we're facing every day is a very heavy thing to feel, but one that I wanted to share and felt so important to share because I don't want anybody out there to feel alone this holiday season. I don't physically want anybody to be alone, but I especially don't want anybody to
feel emotionally alone. This is already a tough time in our lives, and we're experiencing a whole lot of things for the first time, and I just don't want to see anybody feel that they aren't heard and they're not seen when all of this is happening. So I had asked for people to share their struggles and the things that they're dealing with right now and what might be hard this holiday season, so we're gonna go through them together.
There is so many and I think even I was a little taken aback by how many came through and just how hard things are for people right now.
So let's do this together. I'll share stories.
Along the way, and I'll also share maybe some advice if I feel that I can offer something, or maybe.
Just some virtual hugs. So here we go.
This is the holiday episode. By the way, I'm going to share all of these anonymously because these are some very personal things and I don't want anybody to feel targeted or feel like their family or friends could see this. So everything's anonymous, but I promise you these are all coming from real people. Starting off, my dad passed away back in twenty ten. I generally feel zero joy this time of year since that time. This person is not alone in this.
There's a lot of grief in here.
I personally have lost my grandparents and experiencing different Christmases since they passed. You know, the traditions that they once had are different, and the place that we used to celebrate is no longer around. And not only does losing someone come with grief and the heartache every single day and every single minute, but it also comes with a lot of change. And change is very very hard living alone. Coming home from family time to an empty house I
can relate. Coming back from the holidays is really hard for me. I live by myself, I mean, I have a dog and a cat, but going from the busyness and the chaos of everyone being around to just total silence, it feels deafening.
That silence is oh so tough.
I've been divorced a year and a half and figuring out who gets them when is hard. Yeah, I can imagine that, And I can imagine that having to share holidays and do things that you never anticipated coming, or having to do things that really painful when all you want to do is just celebrate with your kids like you always do, and losing that ability to do that on your own time and your own free will is hard.
It's a really tough change.
I'm a first responder and I'm very financially struggling. This is also one that's echoed a lot. The financially struggling part. Also, thank you for your service, first responder. I imagine it's also very difficult during the holidays, and there's so many people struggling financially and a lot of people that are struggling to provide the Christmases that they would like to provide for the people in their lives.
And it's a very echoed theme in.
All of these responses. And I wish that wasn't the case. I wish that I could provide financial advisor. I could, you know, send money to any and everybody. It's a really tough time financially for a whole lot of people. My family has been asking if I'm pregnant yet barely been married six months. I do think there are lots of inappropriate questions that go around the holidays as being one of them, there's always one of them, regardless of the holidays. But just you know, make sure you guys
take time. You know that's coming, You know those questions are coming. Just throw them off their scent, your jokes at them or something, and focus on you guys, and you know you're doing you know what's.
Happening in your relationships, So build them off.
I lost my dad and my mother in law both within the last three and a half months. It's been tough. It's really hard. The loss itself is really hard. The grief that you're probably feeling is astronomical. And now the holidays are here and they're going to look different for both you and your partner, and my heart is with both of you, guys, as you navigate those changes. Loneliness which leads to depression, which leads to major panic attacks. Yeah, this is a very common time of the year when
people really start to pack on the loneliness. It's not only the season itself and that the holidays associated with love and romance, but also that we're in the wintertime and seasonal depression is real. So it's a combination of a whole lot of factors here. So more often than not, we're seeing people feel very alone, and it leads into those really really dark moments. I hope you know that
you're not alone in that. Genuinely I feel it. I mean, you can see me on social media laughing and enjoying Christmas, and I love the holidays of lights and going to do all those things. But I don't want you to also think for a second that I don't feel the loneliness,
because I do. It creeps in often, and it creeps in in the strangest of moments and times When this really comes to impact me during these time of years, whether it's something I don't have that other people have, I try to really channel my energy into remembering that this time in my life is never going to come again. Who I am, where I'm at in this moment of my life is never going to happen again, and I have to enjoy it for all that it is good
and bad. And so when those lonely moments creep in, that's what I'm sitting there repeating in my head, like organ, this isn't gonna come again.
This is your life right now, in this moment.
You have to You have to take yourself to the present, moment, at the future, at the past. Just focus on what is and in this moment, like I ground myself, I put my feet on the ground, and sometimes I throw a blanket around me and I feel cozied like a little baby, snug in a blanket, and just remind myself that this is my moment to do with what I will, regardless of all the things that have happened to me
and what hasn't happened for me. Also, if this is something on the more medical side of things.
I do hope you seek help.
I hope this is the season that you reach out and ask for help, because you should and you can. Please, don't be afraid of that. Don't be afraid of getting the help that you need, because there is resources and there are ways. Even if it's just talking to somebody that's really close in your life. Let this be the season that you're not afraid to do that first year
divorced and my ex has Christmas this year. I've had friends that have gone through this and it's heartbreaking and it's really hard, and the loneliness, like we were just discussing, creeps in and you feel, oh, so many feelings, so many experiences that are happening for the first time. I would suggest if you can, to find a new tradition for yourself.
When you're in this and you're.
Sad and you're missing what you thought this was supposed to be or what was supposed to happen, try to go find something new for yourself to do. Find a new cafe that you can go sit and drink hot chocolate ad or find a movie that you can snuggle up and watch and you cook all your favorite foods, or you know, invite for over for a little game night or FaceTime. Have a FaceTime with people if they're
far away. Set a date, have a wine with that date, like find a tradition that you can do when your ex has your kids, because this won't be the last Christmas this happens.
And or the last holiday.
So find traditions that you can do for yourself to start to make this season joyful for you again. Now's the time to focus on you, juggling divorced families and making space for everyone equally and babies first Christmas. Yeah, that's a lot, lots of things happening, lots of people. You have to see, there's this pressure to make time for everyone, make space for all the people that are in your life, and also make traditions on your own
and do things that are right for your family. That's a very real struggle that people are facing, not having time with friends because they're too busy doing couples and family things. I think it's also coincided with another one that said all the proposals, engagements, couple outfits, baby announcements.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can definitely relate to that. I mean, it's funny. I'm a digital director and I try to stay off social media typically around the holidays, as far as scrolling a lot, because it is so heavily about these celebrations of love and in couples, which as it should be, because you know, when the time comes for.
Me, for you, it's gonna be us and we're going to be doing it.
But I do hope you have people in your life that can support you during this and who can recognize that you're experiencing the side effects of being alone while they're not, and I hope they're showing up for you in the ways that you deserve, even if you're not in a similar season of life. Now, all that to say, some people aren't the best at that, and that's all so part of getting older and life transitionings and things happening.
This is also where I would encourage you where you can to put yourself in your different comfort zone and make new friends, make new things to do. If they're not making time, then you make time for other things and make your own traditions and go out into the world and experience it in the way that you want to experience it. And you'll find people along the way who are going to start to experience life with you in the ways that you need right now, So.
Try to stay off of.
Social media and get out there and do something that you've been wanting to do. Just because they're not making the time doesn't mean you shouldn't be making the time for it. So as much as I know it's hard to go and do things by ourselves, especially in a season when we're seeing everybody do stuff as couples, and then you go out and you're doing stuff alone.
It sucks.
I'm not going to sit here and say go do it and it's going to be incredibly joyful the first time. It's probably going to be hard, but you have to do it for you no more, no more expecting them to show up, because if they're not, then it's on you and you're the one who has to deal with them not showing up, right, So deal with it by doing things for you. Go take care of yourself, Go out there and do the things you've been wanting to do.
Struggle with friends, Christmas morning, family photos when I'm still single another one in that same category. I think one of the best benefits of social media is being able to be connected, but it's also the detriment of it. You can see everything, and you experience everybody's life and the moment that they're happening, and so it can feel very raw when you're not experiencing those things, and that's coming from a place of I also experience this often.
So try to stay off of social media and just make some plans for yourself, like do things that are going to make you feel joyful and happy this season, and focus your energy on that. Both my parents died before I was thirty. Everyone talks about how difficult it is going to so many Christmases. I'd love to have more than one Christmas to go to as a thirty ish year old, And oh my goodness, I knew some of these were going to make me tear up. My
heart hurts for you. I hope this allows us to recognize that even in the midst of all of our heart things and the things we're experiencing this season, having people we love, having things to do, and being able to go out and experience life is the privilege, right.
All of these.
Things that are here on my phone that everybody is writing and experiencing it this season in life are so valid and their heartbreaking and they're hurtful. But you also look at some of these and I just want all of us to remember the good that we do have when things are really hard.
Trust me, I know that's difficult.
It's really difficult when things feel dark and they feel dreary, and you don't want to look to all the good stuff you have in your life. I can imagine coming from this person's perspective where she's like, I'd give for the family drama one more time, and I'd give anything to be running all over in.
It, to be pure chaos.
It's the very true saying of two things can be true. Right. We can be sad and we can be hurt, and we can be going through things, but also we can be appreciative and we can be thankful and we can feel happiness for the good that we do have. So I think a lot of these are serving as that reminder for me when this is a very stressful season. My newly married daughter cannot come home for Christmas because she has to work. Mama is sad when people can't
make it home for Christmas. That is a real sadness because Christmas is associated with connection and family time and everybody being together. My fiance and I don't agree on his behavior. We broke up, yet family wants him around. Oh gosh, this is gonna be really hard if you don't feel like you can talk to your family. But I think you have to have a real conversation with him and say, like, guys, this isn't okay.
By you saying we don't.
Agree on his behavior, That tells me that this is not the best human being.
If you guys broke up over this.
And maybe your family just doesn't know that isn't totally aware of how bad that was, but you definitely got to like put your foot down here, like this is your space, this is your family, this is supposed to be your safe space after something like that. And you know, also if they're not respecting that and they're pushing that boundary, then take your space and do the things that feel
right for you. Because it's hard enough to be going through a breakup from a fiance somebody you were planning a life with, but let alone to be having your family really pushing on that topic.
Take care of you.
One of my step son's has been in the ICU since the first Along with that stress comes gilt overshadowing.
Another one of.
Those situations where two things can be true. You can be really heartbroken and sad and feeling a lot of emotions with your steps on being there, but also being stressed with everything that comes with the holiday season. So don't forget that struggling with infertility, not having a kid of our own, to make memories with for another year.
I know this is a.
Also very common one. I hope for you that that season of life comes for you guys so soon, and maybe an avenue this year is to make a memory together, because again, you won't be in this season of life forever and it may never come again. You know, this time next year could look totally different. So while that is an incredibly difficult journey and struggling with that is hay topic all on its own, try for what you can to enjoy where you guys are at right now.
There's a reason for it. Unfortunately, there's anything I've realized about the stinking universe is that there's a reason for everything, and there's a time for everything.
Funny one to throw in here.
I could type a novel on this, lol. I think people are really feeling it this year. Being away from family can be so hard during the holidays, Yeah, I can, especially when everybody is going home and everybody is making plans to see family and loved ones and you can't for whatever reason.
That's so difficult.
Have you ever felt hopelessness during the holidays?
Oh yeah, oh yeah, many times with.
Such a joyful and giving season, it's really easy to see everyone experiencing a lot of things that you don't have. I think it's really easy to look at all of it and say, well, they have that and I don't. I'm not where I want it to be, and you know, every version of this that you want to go down. I think hopelessness is common around this time of year. I feel like you've also probably fought really hard this year.
If I had to guess of why you're asking this question, you've probably really put yourself out there, and you've done things that provided you with a lot of hope, and you were trying, and you were fighting that good fight, and you've just finally reached a point where your body's tired and it hasn't gotten the results it wanted.
Whatever that may be.
So maybe it's a time for rest. You're feeling hopelessness. It might be a sign that your body's saying, hey, let's take a break. That would be my best guess. That would be something that I've experienced often, and that's what's typically associated with the past two years. Money has been really tight, and I am not able to shop for gifts like I have prior. I've seen a lot of this. I hope you don't feel guilty in any ways.
I hope you feel like you can still provide an amazing holiday without doing gifts.
And I think it's also.
Totally okay to have real conversations with the people that you're giving gifts for. If it's your kids, if it's siblings, or whatever it may be, just have very honest conversations and say, hey, guys, we can't do this because it's not worth you being stressed and financially having problems in twenty twenty five because you did all these things just to make everything better for everyone else, Like, don't forget about you in this process, and.
This is going to make your life harder.
Have conversations and say, hey, let's just do something different this year. And is it going to be hard because change is hard.
Yeah, it will be.
But majority of the time, what people really want around the holidays is experiences. They want to have time with loved ones. And even looking back as a kid, I can't tell you the gifts that I received, like maybe one of them because it came from my grandma, But the other ones I couldn't tell you when, where, what happened. But I can tell you every time my parents helped me feed the reindeer out in the lawn, or every time we baked sugar cookies for Santa, or every time
I wrote my letter to Sanna. In the waking up the next morning, and the happiness of being surrounded by my family, that's what I can remember. So if you fill it with memories, then the gifts don't feel so important. What are some tips for those of us who can't or choose not to drink to get through the loneliness.
I think you need to spend time feeling why you feel like that's a direction that you need to go, but also like find a healthy coping mechanism, right, Like, if you start to feel that loneliness, maybe it's going for a walk, Maybe it's journaling. Maybe it's watching your favorite movie and having comfort. Maybe it's baking your favorite dish. Find something that provides you with joy and that will help you start to develop healthy coping mechanisms when you're
feeling that loneliness. Because you know some things that can provide you like a serotonin boost, and they often say that going outside is one of the biggest ones that can help you. So I would suggest finding an avenue that is healthy to you versus just you know, seeing alcohol and feeling like that could be the option my parents pass. Spending the holidays with my hubbies family, I miss mine.
Oh yeah, that's really tough.
I'm sure it's exciting to be surrounded by his family because you probably love them, or hopefully you love them, but I can also imagine that it's nothing like the experiences that you've had, so kind of feels like you're filling this hole but you're not actually filling it, and that's probably going.
To be really difficult. But you will make new.
Traditions, and hopefully you'll find ways to honor your parents within those new traditions that will make them feel really close to you. Single mother, chronic illness, and two autistic kids, one who self injures.
It's hard to be happy. This one is so tough.
I mean, gosh, like I said, all of these, you're going through all of these and you're just seeing the experiences that people are having right now, and.
This one is so hard.
And there's not a lot that I can say that is going to probably help anybody who is in this position or a similar one. But I just I need you to know that you're doing great. You're doing a really good job. You're here, you're owning what's happening in your life. You're trying to show up and you're allowing yourself to exist in this world. And I think that's really brave. I think it's brave even being able to say what you said in this DM. It's brave that
you want to keep finding a way. I think it's brave that you're recognizing that it's hard to be happy.
I do know that you know.
Through every storm does come a rainbow. So someday there will be a rainbow and sunshine and there'll be moments of light where it'll all be worth it. But in the meantime, I just need you to know that you do deserve to be happy, and I hope you find ways to make yourself happy in the process and start being able to take care of yourself however that may look.
And it's gonna be baby steps, you know. Baby steps is something that I tell so many people in my life when we're talking about trying to change things in our lives. My baby steps. A baby step is better than no step, and it can take you ten years, but a baby step is a baby step, So keep moving in that direction to find the happiness that you deserve in this situation. But that gosh, it's so tough going through a separation and I'm all alone this year.
I you know, I again, I just this is not uncommon. Feeling guilty for retiring and moving to Vegas without my mom. I can imagine that's really tough because you're wanting to experience some.
Things in your life.
You're retiring, and I'm imagining that your mom is in a position where she's also getting older and things are happening. There's a lot of guilt and shame associated with that, and I hope you don't allow that to be I mean, I imagine you're probably doing everything you can to take care of her and do the things that are best for her, and you're also doing the same for you, So you're finding that balance.
But guilt is real, shame is real.
I just hope you know that you should also be proud of yourself for doing something that'll make you happy. This will be the first Christmas without my mom. That has got to be very, very tough.
Please.
I was messaging with somebody and I'll share some of those They were talking about how they hadn't decorated their tree because that reminded them of losing their mom, who they used to decorate the tree with all the time. So maybe a way and something that can help is finding a way to honor them this season and within holiday traditions that allows you to feel close to them.
And I'm not sure what that is because it's going to be unique to everybody, But maybe there's something that you can do that allows you to feel our presence and feel like she's there with you. But I know that there's not a lot of words I can say here that are going to make that one any better. Living far away from my family also a common sentiment a lot of people that doesn't look like they're going
to be able to experience Christmas with their families. Not taking care of yourself because you want to make it great for everyone you love. I say this with so much love. You cannot be pouring from an empty cup. You have to take care of yourself to take care
of other people. So if you are feeling strained, if you were feeling like you have done everything for everyone else and you are not happy and you are not getting joy out of this season, then pull back, find a way that you can still be happy and still provide in the ways that you feel happiness with. Don't be sitting here just constantly pouring from this cup that doesn't.
Exist anymore because you've deprived yourself of all of it.
You deserve joy and happiness too.
You deserve to feel loved.
This season too, So don't be so caught up in spoiling and taking care of everybody else that you also forget yourself and the process. Because it's not fair to you. It's also not fair to them because you're not giving who you really are for them. You deserve all of that and more too, So please don't forget that. Struggling with health issues, struggling mentally now, struggling to get groceries, and almost out again. These are just heartbreaking things that
people are experiencing right now. But I really do help things start to shift for everybody soon. I'm thirty, also single, with a dog and only her and I for the holidays, which can get pretty lonely. Any advice, it's another one.
I had said this a little bit earlier. Find some traditions for you and your dog, like go on a hike, go sit at a patio and have a little hot cocoa together, or you know, have a movie marathon, make some new traditions that you can find joy in so you're not focused on you know, we're alone and this is the only thing we're going to be doing at the holidays is alone. So find some things that you can find joy in. And yes, the loneliness is still going to be there, but hopefully the presence is just
a little bit smaller. Having a newborn baby in the nick you lots of nick you babies right now, and oof, that's really tough because all you want to do is bring them home. I had friends that experience this, and it is horribly hard to just all you want to do is bring them home and them to be healthy and you know, do the things that you imagine you'd be doing.
If they weren't in the nick You.
So oh, I hope that your baby is home so soon and very very healthy. Do de grief and stress. My mental health has been awful this year and this Christmas. I hear you, I hear you.
I'm hoping that you.
Can give yourself some grace this holiday season. Hopefully you can feel.
More happiness soon.
Maybe you get the rest that you need and some time to breathe, and I hope the light the cloud goes away and you start to see the light again. First holiday alone after being in a long term relationship for the last few years, and it feels off to me.
It's going to It's absolutely going to change.
Is so so hard coming out of something and expecting one thing to happen and it's the complete opposite is incredibly difficult.
And this is also.
Where I'd encourage you to start a new tradition, find something that can make you happy. Being single and childless during the holiday season also a common sentiment here. Love the holidays and always will. I have a wonderful family, but it is certainly a reminder of our loved ones that are no longer here, especially seeing memories from social media.
Our phone picks pop up.
Also as a parent and as I get older and making sure to space out gift buying and wrapping, not getting wrapped up in the chaos, and reminding myself to take in this magical time is tough, but so necessary for my mental health. So a lot there. See, we are all here unpacking multiple things and experiencing multiple things
at the exact same time, and it's incredibly hard. Guys, as an individual existing in this world who is sitting here, having to be emotionally mature, physically fit, helping your kids through multiple life experiences, understanding what your parents who are going through, making sure all the gifts are wrapped and under the tree, and the the dinner or the lunch is cooked perfectly, or you're making it to every event on time and you're doing all of the necessary traditions
or guys like I'm rattling off this list and we're not superhumans. I need you to give yourself grace. I need you to understand that you can't.
Do it all. You weren't meant to.
You were meant to live and exist and get to enjoy your life and your time here.
So please, please breathe.
Please take things off your plate if they don't need to be there. Please delegate tasks. Please just allow yourself to be here in the present moment and not stress so much of the control of everything you need to do, of trying to make sure it's perfect. It's not going to be and it doesn't need to be. I need you to take care of yourself and I need you to feel like this season is just as much yours as it is everyone else you're trying to provide for.
I'm proud of you for trying, and I'm proud of you for even putting in that effort, but like, come on, it's time for you to do this for you have a good season for you.
So let's figure that out.
Okay, So knock some things off this list, and let's try and refocus our energy on you taking care of yourself, and then you can.
Start adding in some other things.
Okay, changing and missing childhood traditions while excited about new traditions. Yeah, that's really hard.
It's hard, guys. Change is so difficult, you know.
And holidays often bringing out, especially as you're getting older, whether you can't make it home, or you are in a new relationship, you're meeting new families, you're blending families. Holidays can bring about some very big changes and with that comes to life of emotions, a lot of nostalgia, and it can be very difficult to do that. And I don't know that anybody ever prepares for that to be get difficult.
You think, oh, it's just a change in my life. I'm just gonna be doing this instead of that.
I don't think we realize how much we tie ourselves to these experiences and these moments in our lives and holidays, especially because there's so many memories tied to it. I don't know why I'm more emotional this holiday. I think
that's also a common thing. I think there's a lot of people here who are experiencing a lot of difficult things and a lot of emotions, complicated family relationships after living long distance, understandable distance puts a lot of space and a lot of perspective on things, and you experience shifts and dynamics when you're not around. I know what that's like, and I know it's also hard to stay in touch. I know it's hard to feel connected when you're miles and miles away. But I do think there's
a way through that. It's just gonna look different.
That's also okay.
The struggle of venturing. Both my parents feel I'm giving them time when they are divorced, and I have my own family now. Always feel guilty during this time. It's a tough one because you're wanting to be multiple places at once, Like you wish you could clone yourself and be like I'm here, here, and here, and everybody's getting every part of me just again. I hope you're giving
yourself some grace this season two. You know you can't be multiple places at once, and you even willing and wanting to show up for everyone is a huge deal. So give yourself the grace, take some deep breaths, and just know that at the end of the day, you are doing the very best.
That you can. I'm proud of you. Hopefully everybody else is too.
How do I get my family back together to spend Christmas Day together again?
Lots of changes, This is tough.
I think you have to have some honest conversations, you know, talk to all the people. How can we make this happen? Is it possible to make this happen? What would it look like?
Is everybody willing? Who's willing? And see what you can do?
Because communication is the first half of that, right. If nobody's talking about it, it's not gonna happen. So have the conversation, start asking the questions. I don't know that you can do anything about this one in particular because it's fast approaching, but maybe for next year that's something that you guys can start to figure out even if it's not on Christmas Day but around it, where you guys can all celebrate Christmas together.
Two layoffs from two different.
Corporations in medical field this year from closures. Oh yeah, I feel for you. I asks her, no fun at all and you didn't deserve it, especially twice in a year. So I'm sure that's making this season even more difficult, and finances and all of that. So I'm hopeful for you.
I hope that you.
Find a really amazing job in the coming months and you're on to bigger and better things. The stress of getting gifts for your family when you're on a budget but also want to make sure everyone's day is special. I love gifting. I wish this experience because there's another one of these too, pressure to buy gifts for people who buy gifts for you, but finances are different for them. I wish this experience of gift giving was more about giving people things that remind you of them and vice versa.
Or you're giving gifts because you really felt compelled that this was a gift that they needed or wanted, versus this requirement to give gifts like we don't have to do gifts guys, we don't have to give people things if we don't want to, and we don't have to expect to do all these different gift exchanges if we don't need to.
I think.
Quality is so much more important over quantity, especially in this instance. Sometimes people just want experiences, They just want spend time with you. So the only way to change the gift giving situation in anything is to have a conversation about it. You know, talk to these people where this is happening. And if it's not a situation where you can talk to them like as a coworker or something, I mean, you just you have to do the best
that you can and give them something. You know, everybody loves a baked treat, so baked goods are always an easy way of saying like, I you know, I did this for you and I was thinking of you, even if they don't appreciate it in the same way you did something. So also knowing that like it's just an appreciation factor versus it actually being something that they have to love and like use for the rest of their life is not also a real reality of what we
should be experiencing and expecting. So have conversations, talk to the people in your life of gift giving is needs to be off the table. And then also just don't don't stress about the guys, Like, find things that make them happy that you just saw them, were like, oh this reminds me of them, or I'm gonna make this for them because of this, And if they don't appreciate that, then.
Maybe the next year you're not giving gifts with them.
Okay, Like, is this supposed to be this season of us all experiencing things that make us happiness, not getting things on a list that we feel we deserve. All this is about, so change it up. You have every right to change the narrative and change the situation that you're in, so find a way to do that. I'm assuming again that these are all family situations. An introvert having to have so many interactions is over stimulating and exhausting.
Yes, I really can imagine.
Make sure you take some space and time for yourself.
Maybe you're like, hey, I need a.
Little break, and maybe you make something up where you're like, I just want to go sit outside for a little bit, take a breather, Like, find your ways to allow your introvertness to you know, get out in the moments of extrovertedness.
It's a lot.
You can and also be upfront honest, right, because it's not kind when there's a whole gathering and you go and you separate yourself and it feels like, oh, she he doesn't want to hang out with us, but that's not true. So just make sure you're communicating, like, hey, guys, I just need.
A breather real quick.
There's a lot happening, and you can kind of make a joke about it if you will, if that makes you a little bit uncomfortable, or like if there's an animal taking a dog for a walk in the middle of things, like nobody's gonna hate that, so it's always an easy out.
And if there's not a dog and say.
Hey, anybody need me to go run an errand like find your ways to get some space while this is all happening, because it can be a lot. It can taking over my family business after losing my dad it's my first Christmas without him, and also struggling to conceive
for three years. It's really hard to be joy right now. Again, just so much, like so much compounded into so many one human being, right, like multiples of these are people experiencing so many different things, and it's in one person, Like I just went on a list of all the things that we're expected to do and the way that this holiday is apparently supposed to work according to who knows, social media, society, whatever you want to put it on.
But all of these people are experiencing so much heartache and hurt and pain, and it's one person that these are coming from multiple things within one human being. And I wish that wasn't the case, you know, I wish everybody out there wasn't dealing with so many different things. So it's a reminder, Gosh that you know, the holidays aren't all love and light all the time. See more of these with a lot to the loss of parents we have, losing a parent recently. In his birthday is
a day after his Christmas. There's so many losing of family members, particularly parents. Losing a parent recently and his birthday is the day after Christmas. Second Christmas without my dad, the holiday hit me like a ton of bricks. Three Christmas is without my dad. Holidays still don't feel right.
Second year without my mom. It's just horrible. And it's not just on the holidays, dealing with the loss of a parent who passed away during the holidays, lost my father a few months ago and have been working side by side with him for twenty five years.
There is so much loss and grief in here, and my heart just.
Goes out to all of you guys, because I know there's not a lot I can say, do or have here right now that's going to make it any better or make the grief go away this season or any season for that matter. But I do hope you know that you aren't alone.
I hope you know that there's so many people here.
That are experiencing similar things and the holidays are very tough for them. And I hope you find some glimmers this season. I hope you find reminders of them. I hope you find glimmers that are joyful for you in moments, even if it's not for the entire season. And I hope as time goes on things do get easier for you, at least in this particular way. Trying to decide if I should stay in my relationship or do I leave
before Christmas it's so hard. I mean, honestly, if you're already debating this, I think you have your answer if you're sitting here contemplating leaving a relationship, there's a reason, and what is that reason? Is it valid or is it you're afraid of something that's happening within the relationship. I think this is where you start asking yourself questions and what is the best case scenario here? Found out my parents were getting divorced on Christmas Day when I was twelve.
It still stings, Yeah, I bet so.
It means this holiday is now associated with a painful time in your life, which means every time this holiday comes around, you're reminded of it. Another situation where I'd say, try and find some opportunities to make new experiences in your life, you know, try and make a new memory and associate it with this holiday, a new tradition that you can do every year that allows you to take that sting away, take the power away from that experience, and put it.
Into something good.
Single mom doing it all alone gets lonely and difficult. Sometimes My heart goes out to all of the single parents out there.
Because I don't know how you guys do it. I don't.
I think it's incredibly brave and you are so strong to be doing what you are doing and particularly doing it around the holidays, because all the holidays do is add much more to your plate, and I know that that's so tough.
Single mom doing it all alone.
Gets lonely and difficult sometimes, Like my heart goes out to any single parent out there. I don't know how you guys do it. You're incredibly strong and you have so much strength that it's to be admired to be able to do the things that you do day in and day out, but particularly around the holidays when even more is being added to your plate. I don't even know this experience, but I can imagine that you have been through it, and so I'm proud of you. In
case nobody's told you that recently. I'm very proud of you for everything you're doing, and I hope you keep pushing through and I hope there's light at the end of the tunnel for you sometime soon. Okay, So those are just the thing that were put in the question box on my Instagram. We're in a head to some dms here and I'm just gonna go through some of these with y'all.
This holiday.
I'm really struggling with my brother's new girlfriend. I'm the only daughter in my family, and me and my mom have always been really close. I love twelve hours away from my parents now, but I talk to them multiple times a week. My brother's new girlfriend has come in and been kind of controlling with my family, like insisting we all get matching pj's when we have never done this and it's not our vibe. I just don't really
like her. On top of that, my mom feels the need to include her on all of our girl things. There's a part of me that feels like I'm being replaced and it just hurts. I know my mom is just trying to be kind to her and include her, but that doesn't make it easier. We exchange a few messages back and forth, and I told her to remember that this is also her mom's way of trying to make sure that she's not losing her brother in the
process of his new edition in his life. And I also encourage her so she doesn't feel so left out to make some plans to just hang out with her mom or her dad.
So she feels like she's getting.
The time that she wants with her family as well. But change is hard.
There's a lot of change that comes with holidays.
I know I keep saying that, but there is, and it's difficult and changing traditions and things that you only know one way. It hurts and it's hard, but it is a part of life. Unfortunately, struggles this holiday season. And my ex told me in twenty nineteen my daughter was one that he wanted a divorce. She's now six, and this is her first Christmas with him in a way from me, my husband, and her baby brother. I think she's handling it well, which makes me so happy,
but my heart is broken. I feel like I've cried every day for weeks. We are doing the best we can, but this Christmas won't be the same without her. We also exchange some messages and I wanted to tell her that I was so proud of her because she went into this like she's heartbroken in it. This is the
most difficult thing she's done in recent memory. But she's so strong and so brave, and she loves her daughter so much that she's allowing the space for her daughter to be elsewhere and be with her ex husband, which
I'm sure causes some hurt in her. And she loves her daughter so much that she's doing it for her and how brave and strong is that to do that To any parent out there who's doing that this holiday season, It's an incredibly difficult thing to do, but you're doing it for the better of your child, and that makes you an incredible parent. My husband's family always monopolizes our time,
leaving very little time for my family. When we do my time for my family, we're met with a lot of complaints and do you really have to go see them? The guilty and emotional blackmail is exhausting, and we often appease them to avoid it. They cannot and do not try and see anyone else's perspective. My family has left accommodating his family schedule and they get very little of our time. Also never actually on the holiday because his
family cannot compromise their rigid, toxic traditions. Grateful my family is flexible, but sad every year that they get the short.
End of the stick without complaint.
This is really tough, right, but I think here you have to step up to the plate. If this is really bothering you and this is important to you, I think you and your husband as a team have to put your foot down with his and if he's not.
Helping in that.
That's also an issue, Like both of your families are very important, and you both deserve to feel loved and get to do the things that you want to do around the holidays, which I know is hard. And I know there's people out there who do one one year and one the next, or they try and fit it all one year, and there's so many different variations of
things that they are doing. And is it going to be hard for both families, Yes, because doing this is insanely difficult when you've only known one way of doing your holidays. I imagine that the time will come when this happens for me in my life and I meet someone and I have to change what I've known for theirty plus years, and it's gonna be really fricking hard and I'm gonna be really sad. But also, you don't
deserve to do this every single holiday. You deserve to see your family and have the experiences you want to experience as well as him getting to have those. So communication is everything. And are some people gonna be upset? Yeah, I'm sure based on what you're saying here. So it's gonna be hard, but you have to do it like this is up to you and your husband to make this change, and he's got to be on your side. He's got to fight with you because you can't do
this one alone. And I hope he does for you, because you deserve that. I've been going through a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship with a trauma bond, so it's been really hard to walk away. He broke up with me again Sunday. Logically, I know it's for the best. Emotionally, it's really hard. Normally I love Christmas and baking. I haven't baked in a year, and I want Christmas to pass. I don't feel like I can make any food for my family, and I really just don't care about Christmas
this year, which makes me really sad. I've never been so sad at Christmas, and it never felt like such a task. I'm gonna say this with so much love, so so much love. I need you to use this holiday season to plan your out. I need you to get the strength to leave, because.
You deserve so much better.
I know that it feels like you can't walk away. I know that it feels like you can fix the situation. I know that it feels like it's not an option to do better than this, but it is.
It's so is.
There's a whole, beautiful life waiting for you out there. And I am telling you this from experience. I was in in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, and I also use the holidays to get out. I'm going to share a story here that I haven't shared before. I work on the Bobby Bone Show and my boss, Bobby was competing on Dancing with the Stars. It was the final night we were going to find out if he won the Mirror Ball, and I was live tweeting because that
was my job, was to post on social media. And this was a huge, huge night, and I got into a fight with my then partner as the show was going on, and it had already been horrible, it had already gotten really bad, but I had finally reached my tipping point, and so he was leaving to go play in a game with some of his friends, and I was so just totally done and tired and emotionally beat up in every way possible. But I still had a job in that moment to do, and that was to
be posting it on social media. So I picked up my dog, Remy and because I didn't feel safe in my house in that moment, I drove us to Starbucks to sit in the parking lot, which sorry Starbucks, I did not coin buy anything because I was so out of things, but I did take your WiFi for like thirty minutes and we sat in the car and I live posted the ending of Dancing with the Stars where he won, and it was very exciting, and I looked
at Remy and I just started bawling. I closed my computer and I had this moment where I just knew that this wasn't an option anymore. I couldn't no longer be not safe in my own home, and I couldn't not be happy, and I couldn't keep running away, and I couldn't keep trying to fix something that I couldn't fix. So I went home and he was still gone at that time. I threw everything I could find into my
big suitcase. I was heading out that next day to go home for Thanksgiving, which he had also tried to talk me out of. He didn't because my family has always been incredibly important to me. It is the one thing he couldn't pull away from me. And I called on my friends and I said I need to stay at your house tonight. Can me and Remy come and stay over? And of course she allowed it. Who I
will never forget her for this entire experience. And when he got back home and realized that I wasn't there, of course I got a multitude of phone calls and text messages and threatens to commit suicide if I wouldn't come back.
I eventually had to turn off my phone by the request.
Of my friend, who was not going to allow me to leave once I had finally told her everything that had been going on, and so I stayed the night at my friend's house, and that next day I flew back home to Kansas, and I celebrated Thanksgiving with my family with my phone off a lot of the time for when I could, and just tried to reset and figure out my out, find the way that I was going to get out of this safely. I left my dog remy home, and it's the longest Roomy and I
have ever been apart. It was for three weeks. I knew I was coming back home for Christmas, and I left her with my parents because part of the reason I couldn't leave was because I was worried about her safety, and I knew taking her out of the equation and having her with my family would allow me to then take care of myself. So I left her back home and I went back.
And I started getting my out.
I kicked him out, and I was doing all versions of things, and it was for three weeks the most miserable time of my life. And every day I was waking up worried about if I was going to survive. And it was the hardest thing I ever went through. So I don't say it lightly. Plan you're out. I know that it is hard and it will be the hardest thing you do, but I need you to do it for you, like you were the thing in this
that matters. And it sounds like you have family, so I need you to lean on them, and I need you to go home and do some baking and find your way out and start planning it, because this isn't okay.
Nothing about this is okay.
And I promise there's a relationship out there waiting for you that is safe and full of love, but this is not it. So please take this holiday and start planning. You'll be so much happier the next holiday, and I promise you'll be baking again in no time. Okay, taking a deep breath after that one. I wasn't ready to share that story today, but I felt like it was an important one. I saw your post about the holidays being a struggle, and I felt it in my soul.
I've been single a few years and everyone posting all their fun holiday things with their partner, or when everyone is busy and you have nothing to do on Christmas Eve or New Year's it just always makes me feel like such a loser and that I'll be single forever. I hope you know you're not a loser in any way shape form. You are incredible person whose story just hasn't been written yet, and you have a whole life ahead of you that doesn't just include a partner. And
like I constantly tell myself, there's more coming. You know, we just haven't entered the best season yet. There's always a better season waiting, and I think it's coming for you. I think all of the patients and time is waiting for the perfect person to come into your life. And you're gonna realize why it had to take so long.
And I get it.
Everybody's out there doing stuff with their partners and everybody's posting pictures and it sucks.
It sucks, Okay, it sucks.
Being the single one on social media and you're seeing everybody doing all the things that you want to be doing, and you want to be in love in Christmas is romantic.
Trust me, I feel it. You don't think I want to be sand by.
A fire or drinking hot chocolate with the love of my life and plotting the rest of our story. I do. But I also don't want to take away from what my life is now. I don't want to take away from what's happening here in this moment, because if there's anything I have learned in twenty twenty four, it is that I can't keep waiting for the person to show up. I have to go out and live my life. And they're going to show up if they're meant to. And that's what's going to happen for you too, in the
right time, in the right place. But until that happens, no waiting, no more sitting and hurting. In this existence, you can feel it. I need you to feel those feelings because it's important you do. But every time you feel them, I need you to get back up just a little bit. Stronger and keep pushing through because you're not a loser. You're actually really freaking awesome, and you're going to find somebody that knows that. Keeping a secret about a medical issue I have don't want it to
ruin the holidays. If it turns out to not be cancer this time, Oh my goodness, that is a heavy, heavy burden to carry alone and around the holidays. I totally understand why you may want to keep this to yourself, but I encourage you to share it with somebody. If it's not somebody close in your life, it's maybe a therapist,
maybe a stranger. I'm glad you told me. I hope it helps get it off your chest a little bit because I don't like you being alone while this is happening, but I respect why you're doing it.
Just please take care of you too.
My mom has schizo effective disorder, which is a mix of schizophrenia bipolar disorder, and this year she has isolated herself completely and.
We no longer have contact.
So it'll be the first Christmas where we have no contact and will not be exchanging gifts or warm notes. I'm so torn between the relationship because she has caused me a lot of hurt and damage, but also heartbroken that we won't be able to connect her.
In the holidays.
And I know I'm just one of many stories like this, So thank you for giving me a space to share.
So difficult.
It's so difficult when people are experiencing so many things of mental health and all you want to do is be able to help, and you can't, and all you can do is support them and do the.
Best that you can.
Also in this situation, I hope you're giving yourself grace because I bet you're doing amazing and being supportive and as loving as you possibly can be. And maybe something that can help is, you know, disconnecting the two, the illness and the person, because your mom is not her disorder, but it's probably feeling like that way, and I can imagine how difficult that probably is for you, especially as her daughter. My uncle committed suicide two years before Christmas.
This year will be twenty nine years and I still haven't opened the Christmas present.
He gave me that year.
It sits in my closet where I can see it every day, and it's still wrapped. It took me until I had my daughter to really celebrate Christmas again after that we lost them, and to this day it is still really hard to do.
I think it's really brave that it's.
Really hard to do and yet you're still doing it for your daughter. And I can also imagine those feelings and experiences that you have every time you see that Christmas present. I hope one day that you're able to open it and find joy and happiness in it and a reminder of him.
I'm a single mom of teenagers.
Every Christmas, I make myself sick over not being able to provide a big Christmas for them. Then I become angry watching their dad do nothing. Then I have so much guilt when Christmas is over because I feel like I missed the real reason for the season. I think there's so many single parents that are struggling to provide everything on one income, but they want to make Christmas
special too. I'm making every effort this year just to remember how fortunate I am and that we are a family and there's so many other people struggling more than we are. I can only imagine the experience of this, And like I've mentioned a few times that the single parents out there, you guys are You're superhumans. I don't know how you guys do what you do, and it's incredibly impressive to be showing up in the ways that you are, and I'm really proud of you, and I
know that it's so so hard. I hope that you're able to find joy in other ways this season, if this is the case for you, in trying to make memories versus buying gifts, and I hope that in the coming years this gets easier and life finds a way to no longer be this difficult for you, because I
don't think anybody deserves to be experiencing this. Guys, I have so many messages, There's so many in here, and I really wanted to get to every single one of them because I wanted everybody to feel seen and heard, and I tried really hard.
To but there's so many.
You know, if this has taught me anything, and hopefully it's taught also some of you guys this that we really aren't alone. We are all facing so so many struggles, some similar, some not, but everybody is going through something. Everybody is experiencing something this season, and it is important more than ever to be kind, to understand, grace and understand forgiveness and really try to embody the understanding that people are all struggling with something one way or another.
And I hope people who hear this and you shared your stories or you didn't share your story because it was too hard, I hope you feel heard.
I hope you feel seen.
I hope you feel somebody out there is allowing you not to be alone because they're dealing with it too. I know that Christmas is a beautiful season, and I also know that it's a hard one. And I also can recognize that it's also really hard because you want to be happy and you hear these stories and you're like, well, now I want to be sad.
You can be both.
You can be happy and you can experience a wonderful holiday season and enjoy and be grateful for everything that you have and also understand that there's a lot of pain and suffering and heartbreaking the world. And this episode isn't meant to make anybody truly feel sad. It's actually meant to connect. It's to make us realize that we're all going through shit, or all go through some horrible things, and life is really hard.
Being human is hard.
The season of life is so hard for everybody right now, the holidays, the time that we're in everything it's hard. People are struggling, people are hurting, and everything you're experiencing, the pain, at the heartache, the darkness. You're not alone in that feeling. And I really need you to know that. I know that it's so scary this time of year, and I know that you're probably experiencing so many different emotions.
I'm proud of you for being here. I'm proud of you for pushing through, and I'm proud of you for showing up even when it's hard. I also want to use this to recognize that we never know the battles that people are facing.
We never know what somebody is going through.
It's why we should exist in kindness. It's why we should treat everybody kindly, every stranger, every person you come in contact with.
That's what all those messages as I was.
Sitting there reading and reminding me of is there is so much experienced hurt in this world. There's so many things that people are going through that I may never understand, or that I don't understand right now, but I can empathize and I can be here and be this safe space and a vessel to allow other people to feel seen, to share their stories, so that somebody else out there
having a similar experience doesn't feel alone. Because sometimes when we go through things that are really hard, it feels very lonely and we feel like nobody else is going to get it. But there are people out there that do. And I hope any one of you that is listening to this and that hurt any of these I hope one of them resonated. If you are having a hard season.
I also want to say that if you're having a good season, it's okay to feel sad for other people, and it's also okay to be celebrating your joy and your happiness. This is where two things can be true come into play. You can have a great life, and you can have an incredible holiday season.
You should celebrate and being.
Happy and having good times is a great human experience. It's also true that there are people out there that are dealing with a lot of pain and hurt and sadness, and you can support them, and you can love them and show up for them and still keep your happiness. This is why when we exist in the world, we should always.
Be operating in kindness.
It's truly the testament that we do not know what people are going through and we never will.
And this podcast was not meant to be sad.
It was not meant to make anybody feel super down. It was simply a space for people to vent and say this is what's happening to me. Maybe because nobody's listening, maybe because they don't feel like they can say it. Whatever the case may be, I'm really glad people are saying it here, and I'm glad this space could be
that for people. So please take this as a reminder that we're all experiencing life and it's hard and getting through it can be tough, but we can and we will have seen incredibly strong people go through some horrible things and come out stronger on the other side, so we can do this. You can do this, And I'm really happy you're here, and I'm really happy that you trusted me enough to share your stories and share your experiences and the struggles, because life.
Is really fucking hard.
It's really hard, but we do it every day and we continue to in this holiday season. I hope you find some glimmers, maybe a tiny one, maybe a baby step, or maybe a giant leap, but I do hope you find them. Finding them starts with looking for them, and you deserve to look for them, even if it's just one. So please do what you need to do to take care of yourself this season. I love you, stay safe.
I'm really happy that you're here, and I'm sending everybody biggest virtual hugs I can possibly send through a microphone, and I hope you feel it. I hope you feel the light and when you go out and exist in the world this week, with family, with loved ones, with strangers, be kind, smile because you never know who needs it.