Elisa & Tori on Disordered Eating Journeys to Now Helping Others

interviews with Eliza and Tory Payton on disordered eating. Another episode inspired this episode. I was talking with Cara about Integrative Health and her disordered eating experience and how that influenced her career. But I wanted to dedicate an entire episode to this particular topic, disordered eating. So I have on Eliza, who is an eating disorder recovery coach and ten years recovered in her own life. Hi Eliza, how are you?

body starts to develop. I remember I started to feel like my hips are whiter, and I was one of the first one in my class, like from the girls who developed foods. And I just felt like my body was changing and I felt like that this is why I was so vulnerable too. I want to like maybe control it or diet. So this is when I started to die. First diet I remember I did, was I stopped eating after six pm. And nowadays I think this is called intermitted fasting. But basically I stopped eating after

six pm. I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted throughout the day, but of course since I restricted in the evening, I lost weight, and of course, like for a period of time, I felt good and like it was working and I could keep it up for like half a year, but then There was like one particular night when I was like out with my friends and I was like so hungry, but I was like, no, I can't eat. And it was like finally when I

gave in. And I think like this was the first time I had my proper like a binge eating episode, and I was like so taken aback, Like what happened? Oh my god, I can't do this. I would gain all the weight back and everything, but yeah, I couldn't keep up with it. I couldn't stop myself from eating at the night and everything and all the way it came back. And then my mom she never commented on my body or pushed me to diet, but she did some diets herself, and one time we went to a

little vocation and she was following this. I guess it was like an Adkins type of diet, and I was like, oh, can I try it as well? Can we do it both of us? And I guess like my mom didn't know anything about diets or how it's like powerful and especially to a teenager even for adult actually, but yeah, like again lost weight. I remember one time I almost painted and my mom was like, oh my god, what's happening? You need to eat, and she was a little bit worried.

But basically like from that period of time, I guess my disordered eating started and I developed episodes of binge eating, overeating. It wasn't like bullieve me, I yet done something and I called myself more like an emotion eater or I thought I'm just addicted to the yummy foods or something. But now I know that it wasn't like emotion eating or food addiction. You can develop all of those symptoms

because you're restricting food. So anyway, then fast forward to when I was about like twenty years old, I went through this like heartbreak right like I was so in love and we were together for a few years, but we broke up. And I would say that I fell into some kind of depression or something and I abused like alcohol and I was like smoking back then, and I just felt like completely like in a black hole and I had like really like dark thoughts and everything.

And I guess like it was huge stress what I went through. And now looking back, I know this is why I started to develop some health symptoms, Like because of stress, my hair was falling out, I developed like acne on my face. I had digestion issues. But back then, of course, like I started to google, like how can I fix myself? I didn't want to like them drugs for the skin, right because for example, like things like aquitain, like it can be like there can be so many

bad symptoms from taking drugs. So I'm like, I don't want to take drugs. I want to heal myself from the inside out. Right. I had a good goal. I didn't want to like, oh, I just want to donate to be thin or whatever. I just thought, I want to feel myself. I want to feel good and I don't want to have those symptoms. But this is when I, yeah, googled.

I found the clean eating, high carb, low fat, vegan eating, raw foodism, then fruitarianism, all those things, and yeah, I would just generally say, like I I had to eat like very clean. Of course I didn't want to. I don't know this fruitarianism overnight. But maybe first I cut out sugar. Then I cut out airy because like normally you hear, oh, those are that are bad for your skin and everything, so basic, I started took out cut

out more and more foods. I started to do those weeks of I'm just going to eat clean the whole week, but since I was already like a binge eater or overeater, then I would always end my week with a binge, basically going to a shop and buying all the foods that I restricted, all the processed foods, junk food like, everything that was like out of limits. Those are the foods that I wanted and prayed and die binge on them.

And after one particular binge session, I just ate so much that I was physically so uncomfortable, so painfully full, that I went through toilette and I vomited. And I was at the first moment, I was already aware, Oh my god, like this is what polymics do. This is no like, I'm not developing bulimia. This is just one time I was just overly full. I'm just like helping my body. I just ate too much, blah blah blah. But the truth is because I didn't stop this mindset

and I didn't blame the eating, the clean eating. I thought it is healthy, there's nothing wrong with that. I didn't see that how it's restrictive. Then the bing is continued and omitting goes so continued. So yeah, this is how it all begins. Basically.

fluctuations of things that we're seeing in culture. You're seeing and experiencing things that other people are different diets, body image issues, you're clean eating and wanting to go on a new path. None of it is inherently bad, but for someone who is constantly seeing things in a certain light, it's gonna reflect. And that's what I'm saying happened in your journey. So talking about that moment where you start realizing, oh, this is what this is. When did that happen? Oh

I am this is a disorder eating pattern? Yeah?

for my digestion and everything. And I genuinely thought that certain foods are causing the digestion issues, for example gluten and dairy, and because the thing with those foods are if you actually start to restrict those foods and don't eat them for a while, then your stomach can stop producing the necessary enzymes to eat to digestion them properly. And this is why it can seem that, oh, every time I now eat them a little bit, I have symptoms.

I thought that I'm doing the good thing. And that's the thing with clean eating, especially like for me, was that I knew that it wasn't normal, like the symptoms, but I just didn't see what can I do differently or I can't eat all the foods or it's like I'm just trying to do it for my health. So this is where you get in trapped. And also the more you're restrict, the more you start to feel hear all kinds of foods and have a guilt and plus the symptoms and everything, so it's like a big trap.

You push yourself into a corner kind.

serve this and that. And of course, like people do have like real intolerances and everything, but this is not like what I'm talking about them, just talking about how those symptoms people at least, like the highest culture is so normalized that often those behaviors are praised, like people lose weight or try to eat healthy. It's, oh my god, like you are so inspirational, like how do you do it?

Even when I remember, like I was young and I stopped eating after six pm, like like my mom didn't mean anything bad, but even she was like oh, you are so good at this or good job, and now I'm like what I know as a coach, I'm like, I don't know, Like she wasn't the bad mom, but I think, like it's so normalized people don't see it as a problem. But of course, like they're perching or the woman thing. This is what I could mass like.

I would only do it when I was like completely alone, and since yeah, I didn't look like I have an eating salter, then it was pretty easy to hide it.

is not restrictive and it's cure for my bingches. But I just thought, like the other foods are just addictive and I just have to I don't know, change my taste pots. And they talk about all those things like yeah, totally, like your taste pots are going to change, and so I looked for answers from the wrong places, but I had like always this, I don't want to keep on binging. I don't want to keep having bolima, like I don't

understand why it happens. And I guess one year I was searching for answers or googling something about recovery or bolima, and I stumbled upon this like one book and she talked about how she recovered I think like she had Bullyman on her excl fourteen years or something, and she talked about how she recovered from it fully by into it e beating, and I was like, okay, great, and so much of her book like makes and made sense to me and everything, But in the end of the book,

like she wrote out what she ate for I guess, like or something, and there was like all kinds of different foods and normal foods and cooked foods, but also like she went out to eat with her friends like hamburgers and French fries. And I was like, okay, like I can't do it because this is on a health field, like she's so lost, and like I thought, like she's like poor her, she doesn't know what she's doing, Like I was so brainwashed in my area. So I was like, no,

I can't do it. And then I continued to struggle for another year, and then another year went past, and I guess already like also searching and googling, and I downloaded and ebook again and everything, and I read it and I'm like I've already read this book and it

was the same book, like I bought it again. But then reading the book and the event like what she had eaten that week, like I finally it clicked for me, and it was like yeah, like all this year, I wasn't very restricting anymore, but I was heavily restricting on foods that I could eat. And I was like so desperate and so tired that point, and I knew what I'm doing is not working. I was like one hundred percent convinced that it's not working. So I guess like

I was finally open minded enough. Two, Okay, I'm gonna try it. Like at this point, I have nothing else to lose, and if I need to quit, throw food whatever. Like in Estonia, like I had such a community and I had business around it and everything. It wasn't like an easy thing to change. But I was like, I'm gonna change my whole life. I'm going to change my friends, I'm going to change my work, you know what I do everything if I can just recover, So I was

willing to, like, yeah, just let go all restrictions. So my recovery started when I finally decided that I have to let go all restrictions, not just color restriction but also food restriction and eat the hamburgers and French spies and all the foods I thought are like so unhealthy. And yeah, so.

I was clean eating, I was doing everything that people were telling me to do, because it is it's a guys in a way if you are doing it in a way that is hurting your body instead of helping your body. And restricting foods is a huge part of that whole movement intuitive eating. Everything you mentioned there is

just so important. So thank you for sharing that, because I also know that turning point had to be difficult, but I applaud your ability to let go and say, Okay, I have to start over and I need to do this for myself. And you saw that you made that turning point, which is why you're a coach now to

help people do the same thing. What are some things you wish you had known going through this experience originally if you could someone right now that's in your shoes ten plus years ago, what's something you wish you could have had the information?

It's like those foods whatever you deem it's unhealthy, are not going to hurt you as much as the eating solder will hurt you. So it's like, yeah, getting rid of the eating sold is the top priority. And also I don't know, like we can get into it about everything, but it's not that it's not like I eat now hamburgers and French pries every day and this is what people think. Oh if I just let go and I

eat whatever I want. And of course, if you're so deprived, there's gonna be a recovery phase when you have things like extreme hunger, extreme cravings. It's so normal to go through it where you gravitas towards the exact foods you craved. But as long as you stop restricting compensating of course, like perching, I don't know, using whatever methods you used to compensate, then over time, like your cravings and hungred

cues and everything will go back to balance. So yeah, it was one of my biggest fears because every time I previously allowed myself to have those foods, I finished. So I'm like, how can that be the answer. But I didn't realize that you have to stop restricting along with that, all the compensating and over exercising, perching like whatever. So then over time the cravings can go back to normal. And now like, I'm into ITV and I eat. I'm

like a normal eater. I even sometimes don't like the term intoity eating because it seems, oh, what are the steps, Like it's just normal eating, Like it's just normal eating. And and I don't binge on chunk food anymore. I eat quite a good like variety. Also, I love like good like home cooked meals and like fruit sweatgies. I can eat out. I have no longer, no stress, no

guilt over food or anything. So yeah, just people maybe when they hear when they are struggling and in this clean eating mindset, they have so many fears like, oh, but then I would just eat chunk forever. But actually this is not the case. Actually the opposite is true. Your hunger can go back to normal.

gonna fuel your body. There's also foods out there that are gonna make you feel a little bit more sluggish, and they might have things in them that your body isn't used to breaking down. But that balance is hard to understand because we've been taught so many different things. So the mind plays a lot of tricks as you're going through all of this this is good and that's bad, when in reality, you just need to have things that

make your body feel good. That's the bottom line. It's so important hearing you say the different variations of that again, because I think we've been taught to believe disordered eating is very associated with anorexia or bolimia, and that's it. There's so much in between that brings those out. Now, being in this post side of recovery and you're ten years outside of your eating disorder, what's it been like for you? Is there still triggers? Is it a battle every day that you're fighting.

a big trigger for me to have symptoms. For example, in twenty eighteen or seventeen or something, when I was already recovered for I don't know like how many years, maybe five years or so, I also went through stress and it was more like work stress and yeah, and I also started to develop the same symptoms like my

hair was falling out, acne again, digestion issues. But now I was like, no, I won't start to restrict foods, even though I was afraid to go to doctor to ask about my digestion because I was afraid they will tell me like yeah, I cut out theairy cut out blah blah blah, and I'm like, I can't cut out foods, so I'm just gonna focus on managing my stress. And yeah, and it worked, and over time, all the symptoms went away.

I didn't change anything in my dad. The an acne went away, the hair loss, the digestion issues issue is a little bit different story because I continue to have the symptoms for three years because I I was so afraid to go to doctor because I thought maybe they would say restrict something. But luckily I went to doctor

and they discovered I had H Pylori bacteria. And I guess, like from my research, I think stress can also trigger it, like so many people have it already in their god, but due to stress, it can just how I say multiplier, I don't know. I don't want to use any incorrect terms. And I did one week of antibiotic antibiotics and the stomach issues went away and I didn't have to start restricting.

And so what I just want to say is that I finally learned the lesson that at least like for me, like stress is a big trigger for health symptoms and I don't need to start restricting foods, but just start to focus on reducing stress and managing my stress levels and like sleep more and do meditation, relaxation, more time

for myself. They like gate stuff to other people, ask more help, And yeah, I didn't went back to my eating folder because I learned my lesson and I know like from my other clients, like stress is such a trigger for them as well, and sometimes they start to restrict again and it's just yeah, I guess like a big learning lesson is the link to the stress.

healthy eating and everything. For example, like we talk about like eating chunk foods, like how can this be helping you recover? Like like I understand total like it doesn't make sense, but of course, like we have such a limited period of time here to talk about it, but if it would take time to maybe see my work or read my book or something, then you would see

like how it makes total sense. And also thinks about like going through extreme hunger in recovery, like how this is not you binging, this is just aftermath after the restriction, and how your body is trying to catch up, and also things like if you're awaken and I had such a belief about coming from the DAD mentality and everything that I need to be responsible for my weight and if I just let go of the control, my weight

will just spiral out of control. But actually, like what I also talk about a lot as well, is like your body actually has a set point weight that is mostly determined by genetics, like regulated by your like normal hunger, fuse, and metabolism, which is the goal of full recovery. Right, get your body functioning normally again, So then actually your body actually wants to start maintaining your set point effortlessly.

You just eat normally like naturally, you're going to be able to then eat one hungry, stop and full, and there's nothing like I need to manage on a data basis on my weight, and I didn't know that. Actually my body wants to stay in home staces, like it doesn't want to just fluctuate with weight, and if it does, then there's something going on either stress or maybe food

restriction that causes you to binge it or whatever. So yeah, just to be more open minded to the ideas of letting go all restrictions because in all restrictive eatings alters, like this is the first step to start with. You cannot cover from eating salter while still restricting like you cannot. Yes, it's like a mental issue, but it's also very busic and restriction fuels those symptoms.

I'm a safe space for all of that. What is someone on the opposite side of this who can make sure they're doing the right things? What is something we can do better?

to open up. But the boast often I think like people need rather somebody to just listen and to understand, of course, not to kind of say, yeah, you're doing the right thing or something, but just listen and understand and be compassionate and kind and not go with them, Oh you should do this, So you should do that, especially if you don't have experience, and then yes, like it would be very easy to say the wrong thing.

But also in general, like with eating salters, you never want to mention about like food or diets, like definitely no diet talk around them. Definitely, no talk about this food is good or bad, healthy and healthy like any of those labels. No talk about their weight or anybody else's. Wait, even criticizing your own body can be say to them that, yeah, like bodies are something to be criticized or weight is

something to be feared or controlled. So I guess, yeah, like, don't talk about food, weights and those things, and maybe yeah, you can urge the conversation about something else, because even though they need to get their mind off from their food and eating and the last thing maybe they need is someone close to them start to ask a bunch of questions and tell them like what to do or something.

But it's so hard because I don't know, like, of course somebody who is like a parent, and sometimes you need to have intervention if you see like things are really going bad. But it's like, very often I see that it's so hard to help somebody who is not ready or who is who doesn't think there's something wrong. Like people ask me like, yeah, like now I'm in recovery and I see other people dieting and doing this

and that at LISTA, what can I do? I'm like, I don't know, because I know when I was deep into that, I wasn't open minded enough. I wasn't receptive to that because I had my own beliefs and everything.

It would have maybe pushed people away. Even so, but what I tell them is that you lead by example, be there fully recovered person you can be, and then maybe your friends or whoever you meet, they will be positively influenced just by your example, not by what you say, but what you do and how you are.

that people feel less alone. So it was the perfect matchup when I saw you, so Tory, thank you for joining, thanks for being here.

such an important topic. So, toy, we're going to start diving in super deep right away. But tell me about you. Tell me about your disordered eating journey. Where this all started for you.

always in some ways needed to punish my body. I don't know exactly how to to describe that in super articulate language, but it was just like a way of navigating the world that felt very disconnected. And so I ended up becoming an athlete. Throughout high school I played competitive volleyball, and then into college I played competitive volleyball, and once I quit volleyball I was about nineteen or

twenty years old. I didn't end up finishing volleyball because I got injured, and once I quit, I just had no idea, like how to exist. I had been pushing my body for so hard for so long, and through that fueling super adequately, making sure I wanted to be the best at my sport, and so from the fueling perspective, everything was good until I stopped playing, and then I was like, I have no idea how I'm supposed to exist,

Like I'm not an athlete anymore. I don't have an athlete's body, Like what type of body am I supposed to have? And so naturally I went to social media to see what the other girls were doing at that time, and a lot of them were like skinny white sorority girls, to be honest, and so so I thought, that's who I'm supposed to be, Like, that is what a feminine woman at this time means, that's what she looks like. And so I did my absolute artist to lose as much weight as I possibly can in as short a

period of time as I possibly could. So when I was twenty years old, I think I dropped thirty or forty pounds just really quickly. And from there what started is like wanting to lose weight to look good became a really deep and dark obsession that lasted five years, and it wasn't until May of twenty twenty three that I was like, you know what, I have to make

a change. Like I'm twenty five. I feel like I haven't lived any of my twenties because I'm so obsessed with my body, with managing food, and I don't want to live anymore. Like it got to that point, like a lot of times we don't think about the implications of restriction and the point it can get your body and your mind too. But yeah, I just I didn't want to keep going, and so two years ago I

chose to recover. Since then, it's been ups and downs, but mainly just feeling so grateful for just like words don't really describe. I'm just very grateful for having been at the lowest of possible lowst now having hope and not just having hope, but being able to share it with other people, Like it is such a gift, and I'm so grateful. However weird it sounds to have gone through that so that I can help other.

to think that started this for you. But looking at bigger picture in this particular moment in question, I want to go down. This societal impact is something that is really difficult for us to understand and address. You're sitting here and able to say I saw this, and this is what this looked like, and I can see that now. But when you were in it, were you ever thinking, oh, this is not actually probably very healthy, or this is

not what I should be doing. Was there ever this battle that you were having internally or was it just so clear cut like this is who I'm supposed to be because that's who they are.

So once that was gone, once my feeling of sense of worth was gone from volleyball, I was like, Okay, I don't have that, so now let me focus on appearance. And if you go on social media today, you'll see plenty of people on skinny Talk but also on Instagram that are telling you a woman is supposed to be pretty,

like that is her role as a human being. You need to be pretty, and you need to be soft spoken, and you need to be kind and just all of these expectations for women that really just put us in a box and you're either the productivity girl or you're

the like, cute, pretty girl. And so yeah, I would say one hundred percent, like during that time, because volleyball was gone, I was like, Okay, it's all about how I look at this point, and it's really scary that I feel like we're at a point in history where all that is like coming back again, where like the skinny Influencer is in again. It's really terrifying for people who are trying to recover or heal from those things.

like being the absolute thinness that they can be. Like all of these things I thought was so normal, and I wanted the ads. I wanted to be super thin and skinny and pretty, because not only is that what society was telling me women should look like for women, but like it told me that's how like men were going to like me too, And so I was like, oh, okay, like I have to look that way. And so now being on the other side of it, I can take a step back and be like, wow, that is actually insane.

Like you straight up we're trying to change everything about you to fit this like box that isn't even going to allow you to fulfill like your purposes and dreams and amazing things in life. And so now I think I'm easily can take a step back and be like toy rein it in that's not for you. We know where that led you, we know the path that took you. You have to focus on what is your purpose on

this earth? And so super easy to compare. Yes, I still get little triggers or like little comparison nudges, but I always try to bring it back. So, Okay, comparison is the thief of joy I have no idea what their life is like behind the screen.

mentioned you were like at your lowest point. Yeah, what was that moment like for you when this was all happening and it was like finally came to its volcano?

I lost friends. Every day was genuinely a living hell. And I know that's not the experience for everyone with disordered eating, but for me at this period where I had a severe eating disorder, like it was just terrible and so honestly, like everything just came to a head. One night in May where I was alone at home. I felt pretty isolated, because this stuff really isolates you, and I was engaging in a bunch of negative behaviors like binging and purging, and I was like, I think,

this is it. This is the moment. I was sitting on the bathroom floor and I was like, this is the moment where I change things and I decide I'm going to try to live a good life and that might mean putting on some weight or this is it, and I'm just going to be done, Like I'm going to let this disease consume me and essentially kill me, because that's what eating disorders or like not fueling your

body will do, like physically to people. And so in that moment, I just felt like a whisper honestly from God because I'm a Christian, where he was just like, you've got to change. This is not what I had for you. This is not it. There's something so much bigger for you out there, but you have to change. I know you're terrified, but you have to.

hard to then come back from. Even if you do get that whisper, even if you do get that little jolt saying hey, we have to change this, because not only are you in this moment right here where it's the darkest moment ever, but you have to climb out of it. And the climb feels like Mount Everest. You're never gonna get finished or get there. So now, going from this lowest moment, what did your climb kind of

start to look like? From that bathroom floor and you got this whipper and you're trying to figure out Okay, I hear you, But what am I supposed to do to change this?

and everything was better. But the next day I woke up and I was like, I'm not going back, and I'm going to do whatever I can every day to move one step forward. And I think anyone who's healing from something like food and body image issues just know that it's not a clear path forward. It's not like

one step every single day all the time. It might be one step forward, five steps back, another five steps back, and then ten steps forward, Like it's so messy because we're in perfect human beings and it's just not going to be a perfect linear journey. But the number one thing that helped me the most was genuinely believing in

myself and being kind to myself. I know that sounds crazy, I know it sounds very cliche, but for so long I had that inner critic voice that I was listening to, and it really just made me feel terrible about myself.

And so I decided from that low moment on the one thing I would do is I would believe in myself, and I would tell myself that I can do it, because I truly believe in the power of your mind, and you're like working towards just trying to reframe that negative inner critic into a positive one in your mind can do so much for you. And so I know I touched on a bunch of different things, but that's what I would say, Like, it wasn't just like a

snap and everything was good. It was just the long, slow, tedious process of curiosity and grace to myself.

understanding and believing yourself. One of our biggest tools as human beings is like recognizing the power and strength we have within ourselves to do something. And to your point, mindset matters, and we hear it and it sounds to everybody so wou We're like, oh your mind, Yeah, no, that doesn't matter, but it does. Like at the end of the day, your brain is part of your body

and it's trying to help you. So super powerful stuff right there as you're going through these maybe it was on the front end, that very low moment, maybe on the healing side. What's something you wish you would have known sooner throughout this entire process, Like something if somebody's going through it right now and you're like, dang, I wish me at that moment could have known this. What would that look like for you? To tell someone else.

to the weight that you're going to gain. Like your life is going to be so much fuller and better and personality, your personality will come back, relationships will be healed, Like things will be so much better. And I wish i'd told that girl who was so timid to start healing, like things genuinely will get better. Like recovery and healing is way better even the worst day than the best day you ever had when you were struggling.

So if I'm not perfect and I went through this and it was all across the board, is really important to hear, especially when they're either choosing to start to heal or in the process of healing or considering it. Can you walk through a little bit for someone who's maybe in one of those spaces and they're like, gosh, I just I don't think I'm ready for that battle.

And you're not fighting for other comments from other people about like how healthy you look and like how much better life looks on you. You're really fighting for your true self that is what healing is about. It's connecting with your authentic true self and exploring, like who that person is. I had no idea because I was so upset with like my eating disorder, with my body, Like I had no idea who I was, especially in my twenties, Like when I'm supposed to be figuring out like my

identity and who I am, I had no clue. And so so much of my healing journey I would hold on to no, I'm fighting to connect with that person, to give her the life she deserves, and like to find the things that really truly make me happy in this life. And so I will say there were times when I would wake up and I was like, I have absolutely no motivation today to do anything pro recovery to help myself in any way. And the only thing that kept me going was that, like I wanted to

feed that true self. Every day, you're either feeding shame, you're feeding going backwards, you're feeding like that negative side, that negative inner critic, or you're feeding your authentic true self. So I think if you can just take a step back and think about what is the actual battle happening here, I think it's easy to be like Oh yeah, I'm just like, I'm just eating food or I'm just exercising. Like we can get very nitpicky and like physical about it,

but no, it's honestly spiritual. This is about who you are and fighting for who you are. So that really kept me going.

this too. You share the starting point of your story, which was a very unfortunate traumatic situation that happened to you. Did you also have to heal that aspect and what happened to you to start to heal your disordered eating habits? Was that kind of coincided together or were they separated? Because this is the first situation and story that I've heard where something like that has spearheaded a situation in a path for somebody. So I'm curious to know because

I am positive it's probably and unfortunately not uncommon. So I would love to know what that experience was like for you in case somebody else out there may have something similar happening.

trauma like I experienced. It can be something as small as like a comment that was made to you when you were very young, or maybe a parent did something when you were younger and punished you in a way that like wasn't ideal, and so that just for whatever reason, your brain stuck onto that and it was very traumatic. Trauma also isn't what happens to us, it's how we interpret those events, and so our brain can be eat really impacted by little and big things that happen to us.

And so I think if you find yourself in a space of disordered eating or in the eating disorder a lot of the time, like the work that you have to do is reflecting on the past and the past traumas and how that impacted your sense of identity, because these disorders, at the end of the day, are all about identity. They're about like control and where you're putting

your sense of self. And I think when we have a sense of self that is rooted in my worth is unchanging, like no matter what I do in this life, I have inherent self worth. When we have that perspective, it's harder for trauma or those little things to come in and dig at us and dig it our core. Whereas like when we do let those things impact us, we can go to all these negative habits for a sense of control, for a sense of identity and purpose.

I would say most people who struggle with eating disorders, disordered eating, like we talked about societal impacts, they're looking to society to tell them that they're worthy because they're small enough, and they're worthy because they're pretty enough. And so when you have that inherent sense of self worth and work through those past traumatic events, I think that's when the real healing begins, Like at the root of all these issues, the full healing happens.

everyday life? Like I'm picturing two friends, one has gone through a similar experience to yours, ones like me who can understand and be there, but I may not quite be able to put myself in your shoes. So how can someone and like me better do that for people like you in everyday life? What are experiences that happen in everyday life that could be triggering or that could be hurtful that would not help someone like you on their journey to constantly healing and doing better.

So it's hells someone Oh it looks like you lost a little bit of weight, or wow, it looks like you've gained weight. Like neither of those things is helpful information. It doesn't tell you anything about the identity of that person. It just tells you about the shell and the shape and size of their shell. I would also say making

sure that like you're fueling properly your own people. I know this is again that might seem obvious, but a lot of girls, like even when you go to breakfast in a coffee shop, a lot of girls will just be like, you know what, I'm just gonna grab coffee. I don't need to eat. And it's crazy because little things like that can actually be things that make other girls like me like self conscious, and it's not I

do want to be careful. It's not anyone else's responsibility to not trigger me, Like my recovery is my own and I have to protect it and know what's best for me. But I think as empathetic human beings, we should want to protect the people around us, and so obviously on the body side, like not making comments on the food side, like fueling adequately and properly, and not making comments about food or what other people are eating.

And then I think, too, like this one is small, but it's something I've really tried to be more intentional about. Is even commenting in general about appearance. I know this might sound a little bit nuanced, but you can say you like some one's dress, or you can say you love their style or their outfit. But do you need to say, oh, my gosh, that dress brings out your figure or oh my gosh, like your boobs look so

good in that. I don't know why, as human beings we feel the need to pick apart people's bodies and somehow compliment them or insult them based off of how their body looks, like just all of that in general, Like I want to see humans for who they are, Like, I don't want to just see them as that person exists in a bigger body, or that person looks terrible

because they're way too skinny. That doesn't serve anybody. So I think doing your absolute best to just take a step back and be like, Okay, how do I view people? Do I view them based off of appearance or like how they look at any point in time, or am I viewing them as a human as someone deserving of

respect and who has inherent worth. I think that's just a really helpful perspective to have, like in general, and I even practice on TV shows by the way, like I used to always comment like, oh my gosh, that guy's so hot or like a girls so hot and whatever. I try to take a stuck back and I'm like, what do I like about their character? What do I

like about their impact in the show? And again that might seem crazy to some people, but it really does rewire your brain and how you view other people, which is really cool.

with that, and the idea of how that is. But it's always why I like asking questions like that in regards to hard topics, because even having this conversation in somebody sitting here and hearing it, it just might make them think a little bit twice before they say or do something, because it's really easy to go about our own lives and think about the things that other people

have gone through. Of course, right, everybody's lives are really difficult, but it's also part of being a human being is having compassion for others and understand that everybody's going through stuff. So what you said is really important. And I also think it's very important in girlfriend groups guy friend groups too, they just start not as unfortunately equipped to talk about these emotional things, and women tend to go in this direction.

So it's not gender specific, but more often than not, women are the ones who are sitting there having these conversations or not eating. And I've been at I cannot tell you how many dinners where somebody is eating and it doesn't matter all. I'm probably her. I'm the one who's, yeah, give me eight apps, I don't care, let me have all of it. And then I have another friend who's I just would like a salad and I'm like, what are we doing? No, we are eating. This is a

girl's dinner. And I try to be encouraging, but I also know that in general can be triggering because you're trying to help but you don't really know if it's helping or not. You're just not sure because it's part of that. But I think so much of what you said is in regards to just being compassionate and having a little bit of care intact when we handle things that could potentially be sensitive.

like women supporting and uplifting other women. And when I tell you one of the best parts of my healing journey was my best friend and I were always really close, but just realizing throughout this, through the weight gain, through me looking different at different periods of time, she liked me more the more weight I gained, because I got my personality back like she liked me, and like I could literally cry talking about it because like it just

meant so much. Your friends don't care what you look like. Your friends care about you, true friends, true friends care about you. And I think that's beautiful and so encouraging for people who are struggling because you don't have to try so hard.

I really love food? Even like just the comments around food and exercise, not just about our looks, which we touched on, but it's anything in general that could insinuate any direction about somebody's experience in their life. And it's it is nuanced to your point, like it is right, these are the nitty gritty details.

you eat? And I think that's psychotic. Nothing about me as a person, like I could literally be a criminal, but like I'm cool because I'm skinny and eat healthy food and work out a lot, like it makes me me.

want to make sure people hear. So I'm gonna give you the floor and you can in this how you feel like super passionate about.

That's one narrative that part of your brain is telling you. I think we really need to lean into the narrative of grace and of curiosity, because that is the only way you'll get better. You're not going to get better shaming yourself. You're not going to get better saying I wish i'd done that, I should have done that. You're going to get better by being your number one, biggest

cheerleader and advocating for yourself. And I wholeheartedly believe that because I was seen in my own journey months in which I would fall into a deep depression because I was so ashamed of XYZ and then pulling myself out of it because I was like, you know what, No, that's going to lead me to death and destruction in my brain like I have to be positive. I have to fight for myself and for my happiness and be

my best friend. I truly believe that. So yeah, I think that's the last thing I would say to people.