Sonic Society #892- Outer Ridiculous

McDonald's är stolt sponsor av melodifestivalten så tillåt oss att presentera ett av våra bidrag: Festivalmenyn Sour Krimin Onion Company, fira Pepper Chicken Street. Apple Pie för 99 kronor. Festivalmaten finns på McDonald's. You're listening to Audio network. Welcome home. The following audio drama is rated PG thirteen, suggesting that all children under the age of thirteen should listen accompanied with an adult.

Well, we've made it. Made it? That's right. A month of touring this pocket universe of Nadzrim. We've come to the portal to connect us with the conduits of the tortoise. Are you sure? Uh pretty sure. We just have to get through this out of reach. Out of reach? That's right.

Out of reach podcast with stories from beyond. Beyond even our largest and longest-running showcase of modern audio drama. Beyond the Sonic Society. Well, apparently, but soon to become a part of as we examine three features: the Exodus program and you. Hiraeth Moon and Retention. It all begins right here, David Alt. It all begins right here, Jack Ward, on the Sonic Society. So are you going to tell me what you completed this year? We have to have something to talk about next week.

To the outer reach. Stories from beyond.

This is the Exodus Program and You, an instructional guide, by Hunter Norris and Christian Gridelli. When preparing the population of a pre-terminist planet, there are a variety of emotional reactions you can expect. We will prepare you for each of them. As I mentioned, I'm calling in regards to the Exodus program. It's a free service provided by the department at times like these. Times like these w what time? Dinner time? Uh

As you may be aware, your planet is due to be evacuated. Yeah, okay. I I heard about that. I just don't think we're there yet. I can assure you our methods of prediction are sound. A number of tests are performed and performed again by our top scientists. We are not jumping the gun. We're trying to make sure you're safe when it happens. That's all. Yeah, but uh how often do these guys even do these tests? I mean I never hear about core implosions. When was the last one? Twenty years ago?

Thirty? It was actually five. Delta Talis system. No, no, no, no, no. You guys are fear mongers. That's what this is. Sir, I'm only here to present you with your options. The government is offering exodus and relocation to a new home planet. We also offer five petabytes of storage for the digitization of your life. I think you'll barely notice the difference. Do you know what I think? No, sir. I think you're trying to clear out a working class planet.

You know, then the company is just gonna swoop in here and develop the shit out of this place. Sir, please, if I could just explain Not it? Okay. Maybe it's a resource grab. I assure you that we're not hiding anything. Transparency is one of the main pillars of our organization. Yeah, okay, you little plane shifter. Uh I'm sorry? Didn't think I knew about that, did you? Huh? Uh I'm not sure what you're talking about. Don't play dumb with me, scales. I know about everything.

the lizards, the Octos, everything's under your slimy, scaly little thumbs. I can practically hear you smelling for my weaknesses with that pitchfork tongue. Terrence, if you could just calm down, I can assure you that You knew my name. It's on my screen. We have the names of all the residents. Oh listen, this doesn't just happen, okay? The plans don't just collapse. Now without help, so you tell your chameleon cronies, no deal. Hello? Hello? As in the previous year.

Life call, resonance may accuse you of lying. This is common. In these situations, be confident. The information provided to you is sound. Here's another real life call.

Hi, this is Yisla Calling from the Department of Frontier Affairs. Is this Takeo? It's pronounced Takeo. Oh, sorry about that. I'm actually calling on behalf of the Exodus program. I know who you are. Oh, okay. I also want to let you know this call is being recorded for quality assurance. Are you already familiar with your options? Sure. I can try and boil down my life to fit on a pocket drive, uproot my family, and try and rebuild generations of work, or, you know

Wait to die here? I can definitely understand your frustration. We just want to provide as much help as we can during a difficult time. You know what would have been helpful? Avoiding this. I'm not the one who poisoned the air. I didn't put those toxins into the atmosphere. Now I'm the one that has to deal with it? I can understand why you might be angry, sir. The department is not in any way affiliated with the company suspected of environmental malfeasance.

This evacuation is not an air quality issue. It is a matter of core integrity. Oh, so they fucked that up too. We're just trying to do our part to help. You're trying to do your part to help Allied mining cover up an atrocity.

You know, maybe I can send you some material that gives more background on the relocation. I think it might provide a little more clarity than what I can. I want background on why the world is falling in on itself. We'll make sure to send you all the necessary transition information. You can review it with your loved ones and discuss the best path forward. Upset. No. to move people toward accepting help.

Best to acknowledge their complaint without commenting on it and use language that subtly reinforces the value of progress, moving forward, and except Here's one more realize.

Bargaining. Yeah, so uh how does this work? Well, everyone is offered five petabytes of storage. So that you can Do you guys get a commission based on what package I choose or why? Oh, no, this is a free service that helps residents of Aurelia with their transition. Listen, kid, I ain't been around a long time. There's no such thing as a free lunch, so let's talk turkey sandwich. No, uh, ma'am, uh a variety of meals are provided. You're quick. I like that.

So, Johnny Jackrabbit, let's cut the shit. I want in. Uh, excuse me? I don't know if you're from here, but... Well you've got a history of um creative population redistribution gerrymandering. I don't follow How do I stay? I'll keep out of your way. You guys do what you need to do. That's fine. I got no attachment to this house.

To be honest with you, the place is a piece of trash. Sorry to interrupt. I don't want to downplay the seriousness of this. You are looking at a full-scale implosion. There will be no place else to go on Aurelia. Oh, sure. I understand that's what you're telling people. I think it's great. Whoever's pushing it, they can tip me over and pour me out, because I'm your little teapot. But maybe.

Once you got everything cleared out, you realize you forgot to carry a one, and all of a sudden yours truly here is living it up in New Eden with all the politicians and her very own orbital yacht. Again, ma'am, I apologize for having to be the one to tell you this, but the options I presented are the only options. You know what that is. Can you hear it?

Is it opportunity knocking? No, it's your head. It's hollow. But I get that you gotta quota to meant. You gotta look good for your boss. Let me talk. She might know more of what I'm talking about. I'm afraid that is not an option. Don't worry, I'll tell her you did a good job. Just give me the intro and I'll take care of the rest. I'm happy to schedule a follow-up call with my supervisor, but before I let you go, I just need to make sure that you are aware transport leaves in five months.

You can sign up at a municipal building or local library for your spot. We will also be sending you a sensory scanner and the storage drive I mentioned earlier. You can fill it in with any memories you see fit. Sights, sounds, smells, anything you'd like to preserve and take with you. Yeah, I got it. Why don't we just set up another call for tomorrow? Make sure you make a little note that uh... I know. Alternatives. Bargaining will not change the outcome.

is no changing the course their planet is on. Residents cannot make a decision until they receive all the information. Also remember, we have a zero tolerance policy for bribery. Here's another real life call.

Depression. We're working with nearby planets to move occupants of Aurelia off world before the implosion. You'll get a sensory scanner and a storage drive. What are my other options? Well, should you choose not to relocate, you still get that storage to use and we can transport the storage to So I can take one road or I can go halfway down that same road? That's not an option. Options are choices.

There is no choice. I'm saying that if you'd like, I can book you a seat on Exodus Transport as well as send you the scanner and drive. All shipping is prepaid. That way you can collect any significant memories to ease detachment disorder, the sound of your vehicle, a smell of someone walking in from the cold. Anything really. Sorry, did I lose you? Hello? I'm still here. Okay, good.

I'm here to talk through the decision with you and and provide as much clarity as possible. What's the point of that? Of the sensory reminiscence upload? Yeah. Won't I be dead? Well It's meant to preserve your legacy or experiences so that they may live on. You have the option, if you stay, to include your senses and memories in the collective consciousness of others on your planet. Sure No one by any means wants you or your culture to be forgotten. It's quite the opposite really.

O of course we also want to honor your privacy as well. So if you'd like to keep your storage separate, the drives and your memories will be encrypted and only available to family, friends, and loved ones, whoever you'd like. So you don't have to worry about Don't worry. Worry is all I have. It's the through line of my life. If I wasn't wrapped up in worry I I don't even know what that looks like.

I is there anything I can talk through, sir? Any questions you might have about something in particular? I guess I'm worried about everything. It's like evolutionarily burned into me. And now you're telling me that all of it, every it was all pointless? No, not at all, sir. Yeah. about our service. But remember your empathy training and know that ultimately you are there to help. Certain cases may even require a follow-up call.

Um, I've talked it over with my wife. Um we looked at the information you sent. I think we're gonna go with relocation. Excellent. We're very happy you've come to a decision. Are there any questions I can answer before we begin processing? I guess what are the next steps? Well, along with your scanner, you'll receive your immigration information. That'll have departure dates and times. You'll also get a dossier on your new planet.

As a taxpayer, we're aware of your employment history, so we vetted a planet and occupation that will be in line with your skill set and experience. We will also begin our research to place you in a subsector of your new city that will allow you the highest percentage chance of succeeding socially with your new neighbors. Oh, that sounds good.

And what do I do after I fill fill up the drive? Fill it up, send it back to us. We'll make sure it's integrated into your new home by the time you arrive. If you have a preferred scent or soundscape you'd like us to cue up as you enter the home, we can do that as well, as long as you specify that. Pretty incredible.

It is! It's all designed to make you comfortable and ease your family's assimilation. Some people like fresh-baked cookies, the smell of a certain flora, the sound of a particular species singing in the morning, little things like that. Familiarity. Am I able to take anything with any physical items, I guess? In my experience, people tend to overplan. So just remember you are getting a simulacrum of a lot of that stuff on those storage drives.

To answer your question though, you will be given a reasonably sized container to fill. Well, my wife will be happy to hear that at least. She thinks I have too much junk anyway. I know the feeling. Sometimes a purge can be therapeutic. This is the most common level of acceptance at which people arrive. But to some, acceptance does not mean departure. This is rare, but it is our job to respect that decision.

Hi Walter, this is the department following up on our previous call. Did you receive the documentation we sent over? Yeah, I got that. It was very helpful. Excellent. So it sounds like you're ready to move forward with the process? Yeah, I think I've made a decision.

That's great to hear. I'd love to begin facilitating your departure. I know it's helpful to do it with someone over the phone. That way I can walk you through things and answer any questions you have along the way. Oh, that won't be necessary. Excuse me? Yeah. You don't need to fill anything out or sign me up for anything. I'm staying. Ah.

Sure. I understand and want to respect your decision. I'll make a note about that and as far as shipping out your scanner and drive, have you moved since the last census? Is that still a good place to ship the legacy package? Oh, you won't need to do that either. Just to make sure I'm understanding correctly, you do not want the scanner and would not like to book passage on one of the Exodus transports.

Yep, you got it right. Sorry, I I'm certainly not questioning your decision, but as part of our policy and liability, I'll need you to state that out loud. For verification purposes. I, Walter Argus, will be staying to watch the place I used to get drinks, the place I had my first kiss, the tree I planted with my wife in front of the house. I'm ready to watch them all sink into the core and fucking disappear. Very well, and I'm sorry for the formality of that. Don't be.

Hey, uh any chance you can name a bridge or a park or something after me? Uh, unfortunately no, but it you have any um Final words, I'm happy to take those down. We actually are recording this call for quality assurance, so I can make sure it gets to whoever it needs to get to. I have two weeks. Is that right?

Then I hardly think these will be my last words, and I don't think they need to be recorded in a chat line. Alright? Oh, of course. I'm sorry if it sounded like that's what I was saying. But this could be an opportunity for a fresh start. You know? The fact that my planet is dying isn't even depressing to me. Starting over and rewriting everything, that's depressing.

By our system to offer a last chance at Exodus. The department has seen to this task for you as a means of dissolving any guilt you may harbor. Do not place blame on yourself for the resident's decision. It was not you who led to the You were there where the road forked and that is another. That is your role in the department. I'm Senator Pleb, and this is your courtesy call from the Department of Frontier Affairs.

In 72 hours, the last transport to the chorus system departs. After which the implosion of your native planet O'Reelia is imminent. You are strongly encouraged to contact us immediately to secure your spot among the evacuees and joiners. And please remember, just because your planet is dying, doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Thank you.

The Exodus program and you featured the voices of Lindsay Anderson, Hurricande Bolu, Brent Weinbach, Will Frazier, Christian Gridelli, Leah Durini, Hunter Norris, and the first time. The story was written by Hunter Norris and Christian Gridelli, sound design for the episode by Hunter. Special thanks to Colin Anderson. Art by George Decinto. The outreach is presented by Maximum Fun, an artist owned audience supported.

Network. See all that they have to offer at maximumfund.org. The Outer Reach was originally produced for Stitcher Premium and Special thanks to Chris Bannon. This show was created and produced by me. I'm Nick White. Thanks for listening. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. Stories from beyond.

This is Here I've Next. by Nadia Kamal. Welcome back listeners, it's Cadi El-Basar here, hosting Hirith Moon 2's nostalgia hour, and that was the hit track Starships by Nicki Minaj from way back in Earth Year 2012. Before that we had Bradford Massive by Zane Marlick, which I'm reading here was a record breaking number one hit across many countries on Earth in twenty twenty one. Hm. As ever, if you've got any requests.

please press that contact button and let us know. Oh, someone's on the line right now. Hello, you're being broadcast live across the colony on Here Either Moon two. What's your name? Uh what was that? Sorry? I c I couldn't make it out. Sorry, bad line, I'm afraid. But here's a favorite of mine you may like. It's Hello by Adele from Earth Year 2020.

Nisma, please, can you check to make sure it's not a local calling before putting them through to me? Sorry, Caddy, I did check. I had some guy from Sector 17 lined up. I told you they sometimes hack the line. I just feel so awful ignoring them. I know, but what choice have you got? Activate the translate tech? Actually talk to them? You know if the comms boss has heard us try anything like that, they'll have our asses out to an even newer colony.

With even less to do before you can say nostalgia out. And if you get reassigned, I'm not following you across the galaxy again, okay? My daughter's finally getting used to this system. But it's not you who has to hang up on them, is it? I know, Caddy. Hopefully an engineer can take a look at it tomorrow. Oh, we got another call call. A woman from twelve. Alright, seven seconds left on the track. Let's entertain the hell out of these colonists.

That was Hello by Adele, another Earth hit from twenty fifteen. A real blast in the past that and hello to our caller on the line. Hi Cardi. Hi, you're being broadcast live to the colony on Here Earth Moon 2. What's your name? My name is Gwennefer. I am from Sector 12 and my ID code is KA392718. Hey Gwenfer, we don't need your ID code. This is a local music and talk show.

The admin office is on line forty two and ID code because I want you to know I'm a legitimate legal colonist who is meant to be here. Of course you are, Gwenfer, and we're all big fans of the colony programme here. Do you have a favorite nostalgic track you want us to play? It's just that a few times now I've heard what sounds like Octos calling into your show, and it's not right, okay? This show is meant for colonists. The whole station is for calling us

It's our colony does paying for this. Thanks for your call, Guenifer. You can be reassured that the station is indeed for the colonists of Hirith Moon 2, and that includes you. What can I play for you? You sound like you might appreciate going back a couple of centuries. How about some Wagner? Unsettled has worked hard to get the chance to live here, all right? And put the sour taste in their mouth when Optos are able to take advantage of the resources we've established!

They could at least try to speak a few words in solar lumber length. Thanks for calling in, Guenifer. This is Radio HM two, broadcasting across the whole of Hirith Moon two. This is our nostalgia hour, and here's some Wagner for Guinefer in Sector 20. You dealt with that one well, Caddy. Oh good grief. Where does recruitment get these people? Oh shit. What? Uh it's not that bad. The compliance monitor picked up when she said the O word.

You'll have to submit a justification report. Uh why is it my fault bigots listen to my radio shows? Oh fuck, do you think I play bigot pleasing music? Don't be ridiculous. Wagner's no bigot, is he? Uh maybe don't look that one up on your chip. Whoa, whoa, is this check meant to be fifteen hours long or is there some glitch? Oh yeah, no it is. It's four operas back to back. It's all I could think of while our friend was spouting off. My mind just went blank.

Uh we can just fade in a commercial when we feel like it. I doubt anyone will notice. Ooh, there's a call coming through for you from the contentment office. Oh, can you field it? Tell them I've got terrible bowels and can only keep them at bay long enough to name a track on air before I'll explode. What a beautiful image.

Broadcast department, this is Nisma Jones. I'm afraid she's not available right now as she's taking an allotted broadcast break. Oh that's odd. Her chip has her in the studio with you right now. Uh oh well we've been having some interferences on the lines tonight, so it's possible the transmitter.

Or it could be due to the increased cosmic radiation we've had this season. I I I heard at dinner that it's something we'll have to adapt to because it's going to happen every time the main planet gets closer to our sun.

Though thankfully our years here tick like nine hundred and eighty four earth dates, so we'll have plenty of time to work on it. It's created some soft errors in a few departments I've heard, and actually a friend of mine in the sustenance department said it affected an entire ration of cabbage. I mean honestly I

I can't stand cabbage. I don't know why you'd want to bring it from Earth. I mean why would you bring cabbage over everything else? Anyway, I've requested an engineer to investigate it, so hopefully it'll be fixed shortly. Yeah, I can see why you weren't chosen as the public face. Sorry, Officer Donald? You talk far too much. Ah, right.

I I thought I was a cess less compatible for public facing than Caddy because I scored so highly in production, but it's probably'cause my voice is so annoying and womanly or something. Indeed, yeah. Has she come back, Kent? Uh can I get her to call you back? This really has been a long time. Seems much longer than an allotted break. Jeez, Louisa is roasting on the observation deck, Nisma. I thought engineering was supposed to be on, huh? Oh hey, you got a call from Arbisher Dynasty.

Oh great, love that guy. Put him through. Uh hello, this is Caddy. Good to finally speak with you. Oh, big fan of the show, are you, officer? Your show. Our monitors picked up some inflammatory language being broadcast, and I thought I'd give you a chance to justify it directly with me and save you the data work of submitting a report. Ah, uh could you clarify exactly what it was? I'm sure you're well aware that we can't have colonists hearing the word octo.

From our own commsre. I am well aware of that. Unfortunately I was caught off guard by a colonist. I apologize and it will not happen again. The most effective thing we can do for contentment is direct our colonists' attention away from distractions and fears they have about the system. The more we acknowledge what was here before us, the more concern colonists will have, the less productive they will be. Do you understand?

Of course, Officer Donald. That's our entire assignment. Don't forget that. Of course, yes. No need to worry about submitting that report. Oh, thank you so much. That's very kind of you. One last thing. Yes. Could you play Cindy Lauper's Girls Just Want to Have Fun? I'm sure we can. It's for my daughter. Of course. That guy is such an ass. It's for my daughter.

Sure it is, pal. Uh could you suck my dick? It's for my daughter. Well if it's for your daughter, sir. I bet his daughter doesn't even live on this moon. I bet she's out in Arcadia Seven or some shit. Bet he doesn't even have a daughter. Wouldn't be surprised. I bet he has a secret half octo kid tucked away in the middle.

Oh yeah, it's probably then trying to hack our lines. They just want to speak to Dad. Ask him why I won't be seen with them in front of the colonists. Oh man, that might even be true. Hey, Wagner's still going. We should get back to the show before Donald says these long sweets are creating discontent and affecting production. Yeah. Let's entertain the vitamin rations right out of these people. Absolutely. Fade into commercial now, you'll be live in thirty.

Dad, I'm How can you be bored, son? This moon colony has everything we need. Is this a conversation you're bored of? You're right for once. So much to do at this point. 14 air credits per person, travel insurance, required register colonists. Only behavioral restrictions apply. Welcome back, listeners. This is Caddy Al Basad broadcasting live to HM2. It's the nostalgia hour, and we're taking requests as usual. And here's one for a good friend of the show.

Heads up, we're getting more hassle on the line. It's hackers again, maybe. Can you block it? I can try. The scramble I put on is being overridden. Maybe let's avoid taking calls just in case. Or you could do some voices and pretend to be different callers. Oh hi. Could you please play Star Rider's Pony Knots? It's for my daughter.

I don't even know who star riders are, and I certainly don't think Yorvik is the hot one. I'm actually amazed that you know who star riders are, and you are totally wrong. Haruki is the hot one. I have no idea what you're talking about, and I honestly would have no idea. If I said I'd go for Varine and Latima before I tuck

Do you have a commercial lined up? This truck is about to end. Of course I do. I am excellent at my job. And I must say I agree with that guy who was just talking to you about Jorvik being the hot one. He's got it spot on. That guy is a total idiot and I would not listen to him. We're in the start of our summer season and it's more important than ever to maintain your Days in the medical sector, and you don't want to drain colony resources, do you?

Extra compound is available on request from your pharmaceutical unit. Remember your sunblock compound and enjoy your summer on Hey, that sounded pretty good then. Hi listeners, don't forget that you can make requests for songs in the digital forum if you don't feel like calling up.

We read all your comments and we love to hear from you. Aidan from Sector 3 has messaged us to say that he personally prefers to listen to his chip-generated music rather than old songs, but he also likes hearing our chat on the radio, so is tuning in to hear another human voice. Well, hello to you, Aiden, and I hope this human's voice is doing the trick for you tonight. Here's one of my favourite voices ever. It's Billy Holiday.

Oh, I love this one. It's so good. Man, the board is lighting up like a laser show with unregistered callers right now. They're trying really hard to get through tonight. Is it possible to put their call through to us in the studio without broadcasting it? Uh yeah, but I'd have to switch the translate tech on. Would it sound like a person or a computer? Uh I think the translate tech allows you to choose. You can choose like accent and everything. Oh cool.

Set it to Oh twenty first century Earth West Indian accent. I love that one. And patch it through to the studio, but make sure we're not broadcasting it. Are you out of your skull? The translate tech is only to be used if we're in danger, you know that. If they catch us voluntarily communicating with the locals. Who the hell knows what they'll do? And I don't wanna find out. I can't afford another doc on my credits, okay? I'm saving up to visit my mother as it is.

I like this job, Caddy. I like this job too. I just feel so awful knowing that they're out there desperate to talk to us, that's all. They're not vandalising our buildings or stealing our resources, are they? They just want to talk. Why can't we just talk? Who's to say they haven't been stealing and vandalizing? I mean someone or something have. Yeah, would you blame them if they did? Taddy Well would you?

Who knows how long they've been here? Longer than us, that's for sure. Okay, the song's gonna finish soon. Take another digital request. We won't answer any live calls again tonight. I don't know how much longer I can go on ignoring em, Ness. It feels wrong. Communication with non colonists is strictly forbidden except in the case of life threatening circumstances.

Abuse of this rule can result in disciplinary action, including expulsion from the colony program. You sign that CAD, you agree to it, put your name on it. So you're fine with it? I like this job. You may like hopping around the galaxy every six cycles, but I don't. Are you fine with it? Jack has six seconds left. I know you're not fine with it. That was Summertime by Billy Holiday. If you're looking for a retreat from the summer heat, Be sure to visit the newly opened sapphire caves.

The jewel of our moon. I love it there. Have you been listeners? Get in touch and let us know. We love to hear all about you guys here on the Nostalgia Hour. And the Sapphire Caves have got me thinking about David Bowie's album Diamond Dog. Is one of my favorites in that record, Rebel Rebel. Very subtle. Don't know what you're referring to, Nisma. Whoa whoa

What was that? Ugh, power surge. W was it us or them? What do you mean? Was it a problem with our systems or did something else make a problem? It's hard to tell. It could be from a sunflare or something. It's not completely unusual, and the system is built to withstand surge. It's themness. They are desperate to get through to us tonight. It could have been anything. Stop being so dramatic. We have to talk to them. Something is up. I can feel it.

It feels just like that time in the core worlds. For fuck's sake, Caddy, I will not lose my job because you want to be the great communicator. Fine, I'll do it myself. No, you can't. I can. Please, Caddy, just drop it. They'll give up and leave us. How many are trying to get through on the lines now? I'm not gonna entertain this. How many? It could be just one of them with a lot of equipment. Thirty seconds.

Just give one of them thirty seconds. I can't just ignore it this time. We'll be relocated thirty fucking light years away. They won't know. It's illegal for them to surveil us, so they won't even be able to bust us if they were listening. You know they'd find a way if it suited them. Thirty seconds. Come on, and if it's nonsense, we'll go back to ignoring them forever and pretending they never existed on this moon.

Yes, come on. No Yes, yes, yes. No, do you have another song lined up? Come on, we have time before this one ends. Set the translate tech to a French accent. I love that one. Hold on. Okay, I'm lining up a commercial for you. Mistma, come on. I know you. I know you know that it's wrong to keep them out. I know that you know that something's up tonight. You can feel it just like I can. Yeah, but is it worth our job?

Do you really want to spend your life ignoring calls for help? We don't even know that they're calling for help. They could be screaming abuse. It's not right. You know it's not. What's right and what's the law don't always match up. Yeah, but we can do what's right here. Twenty seconds. Are you serious? Putting through now. Kadi, can you hear me? Can you understand me? Uh yes, yes, hello, hi, I can hear you. You must remove all your families from the blue cave. They are very dangerous.

The sapphire caves? What do you mean dangerous? Our scientists tested them. They declared them safe. They will die. You must keep them away. Broadcast this information. Please can you explain more? Also, I like your show, but please play more hip-hop. Uh you like the show? Was that a threat or a warning? No idea. Sh What do we do? Forget about it and just carry on with our job? We have to tell people if the Sapphire Caves are dangerous.

We have to get engineers over there. What if it's bullshit? What if it's not? Look, look, I gave you your thirty seconds, and if we drop it now, we might just get away with it. Yes, and it turns out they weren't calling for help, they were trying to help us. If it's real, if it's not a threat. I have to report it, Niss. I couldn't live with myself if I let people die. Even awful pricks like Guenifer. Fuck.

Welcome back listeners. That was a little excerpt from John Cage's classic 433. Earlier I was talking about visiting the Sapphire Caves, and perhaps a better idea is to maybe stay home and Sure your units are all at maximum efficiency. Fun! She is Lady Lacey. Caddy, are you insane? I have to report it, Nisma. Please, think of our jobs. Our lives. Think of everyone's lives. You have no idea they're even telling the truth. Well, they said they like the shows, you know. Oh shit.

Uh uh fuck, it looks like enforcement's coming into the studio. Fuck, fuck, I knew this was a bad idea. I've got to tell them. I'm sorry, Niss, I have to. I didn't trust my gut in the core worlds and it still got me sent here anyway. Please, Katie, don't. Think of my daughter. I don't want her to grow up in a rehab colony, please.

Gateway Good morning, Brith Nine, this is your morning wake up broadcasting. A reminder that all colonists on Brith Nine must be at their workstations by O nine hundred as a requirement of your rehabilitation contract. So get moving, you don't want to be late. Also, stay tuned for our weekly raffle. Up next, a pair of tickets for two very lucky lifers for a permitted day trip to the beautiful. Bright moon two. written and performed by Nadia Kamal.

It also featured Amanda Spinella, Jeffrey McGivern, Lindsay Anderson, Hurry Kundabolu, Jesse Thorne, Jordan Morris, and Eric Martin. It was directed by me, Nick White. Special thanks to Colin Anderson. Sound design and editing for the episode by Jeff Entman, Music from the Black Spot.

The Outer Reach is presented by Maximum Fun, an artist owned, audience supported podcast network. See all that they have to offer at MaximumFun dot org. The show was originally produced for Stitcher Premium in twenty seventeen. The Outer Reach was created and produced by me, Nick White. Thanks for listening. Maximumfun.org Comedy and Culture. Artist-owned. Audience supported. beyond. By Alec Navala Lee.

Thank you for holding. This call may be recorded or monitored for quality assurance. My name is Lisa. To whom am I speaking? First name Perry with an E. Last name. Spelt like it sounds. Thank you, Perry. How can I help you today? I want to disconnect my security system and close my account, please. I see. Just so we're on the same page, you're saying that you have some issues with your current service and you want to explore your options.

Actually, that's not what I'm saying. I've decided to disconnect my security system and close my account. I understand. We know that your needs can change and that you want your services to reflect this. But we value your business and we hate to lose you. Before I can take care of this, I just need to verify your address. Sure, it's McCarthy Loop, New Paulo Alto. Great.

To help you figure out your options, I'd like to ask you a few questions. Okay? I'm not sure why you need to ask me anything. I just want to cancel. It helps me put together a package that meets your budget and your needs. The price isn't the problem. It helps me to know that. What do you value the most in your current package? Again, I don't see why you need to ask that.

Well, my job is to have a conversation with you about your service. With all due respect, I don't think your job involves having a conversation with me at all. I'd just like to cancel my account, please. Is that something you can do? Yes or no? If you want to cancel your account, you can easily go to your nearest customer service center and take care of it there. I don't want to go to a service center. Look, I've tried to cancel before, and this time I really mean it.

And before we go on, I want you to know that I'm recording this call too, and I am timing how long it takes. Right. I want to get this on record. Can you disconnect me or not? If you tell me more about why you want to cancel, it will be easier for me to get you what you need. I'm declining to state why I'm canceling my account because I don't feel like getting drawn into a conversation. I'm trying to help Look, are you filling out a form?

That's fine. You can go on to the next question. I'm trying to help you. Perry. You can help me by disconnecting my service. How is that helping you? Because that's what I want. Are there other members of your household? No. There's no one. What why does that matter? Different customers have different needs.

Even if it's just you, it helps if I have the full picture. What if I said I was moving? A lot of people are moving these days. Then I'd need your new coordinates to see if you're in our network. It's off world. We provide services in the vast majority of sectors. I'm not moving, but it shouldn't matter. It's just that this is an unusual request. How unusual? People always change their minds.

Fine. If you want to ask me your questions, just go down the list. How would you say you use your security system? Be as detailed or as general as you like. I use it for everything, just like everyone else does. I'm going to read off a list of features and you can rate them on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the best. Continuous streaming content with over 1 million free titles on demand. 10. High-speed data of up to 6 terabits per second. 10. Home environment and energy regulations.

10. Automated task and errand fulfillment. 10. It's all perfect. So you're satisfied with your service? Yes. Are we done? I'm sorry, but I'm a little confused. We're the top rank provider of security services in this quadrant. I can't see why you don't want something that works. Five minutes. Excuse me? We've been talking for five minutes, and you still haven't given me what I want.

I think I understand. Based on what you've told me about your situation, I recommend that you upgrade at no extra charge to our premium service so you can continue to enjoy all your favorite features. May I upgrade your account to reflect these changes? No. Like I said, I want to cancel, but it sounds like you won't let me. That's not true at all. I'm happy to cancel your service.

If you give me a reason. I'm sorry, but that's none of your business. It's my business to know why our customers are leaving. You've been with us for a long time. Before we let you go, we want to make sure we've done everything we can. I want to disconnect because the security system is too effective. Excuse me? Not everyone wants to be secure.

I want to be I want to be unhappy again. That gives me something to work with. In order to serve you better, may I place you on hold for a moment? Okay. Like this is the only way you'll be able to do it. You want information? Let me tell you about my day. I'd like to hear about it. I can't remember the last time I left home. I wake up here in my smart house and then the music comes on. Do you like it? Of course. What do you call it? The recommendation engine?

It's perfect. It knows me. Maybe too well. Our predictive analytics are designed to provide you and your chip with all the content you enjoy, based on your past preferences and user profile. I know. It's on all my screens. The news I read, the shows I watch, the lighting, the temperature.

If I ever had to leave the house, it would program my car for me. But it's happy to run my errands too. It knows what I need before I even know it myself. And you don't want that? It reflects a pretty low opinion of who I am. I'd like to think I'm more interested. Would you be happier if the analytics were worse? Of course not. I see. Perry, can I speak on a personal level?

You're looking at it the wrong way. We just want to eliminate the time you spend searching. It frees you to do more. We're giving you back all those wasted hours. The security system provides you with emotional security. You do the rest. Hence the name. Well, I don't want it anymore. Why not? It knows me better than I know myself. and I don't like what it's saying

It tells me I'm totally self absorbed. I've outsourced my inner life to it. I don't know who I really am anymore. Or where the system leaves off and I begin. The longer I stay connected, the more freedom I lose. And that's one hour. One hour what? One hour we've been talking.

Perry, I'm going to tell you something that I don't say to many people. I have a hard time believing that. I'm trying to keep you from making a mistake that you'll regret later. Have you considered what you might lose? The security system connects you with the galaxy. Most people would welcome that. You make it sound suspicious like I have something to hide. Do you?

I'm not going to answer that. But it should seem strange. You're asking me to help you become less of a person. I don't agree. But I don't think you've thought it through. We just want to eliminate the time you spend searching. It frees you to do more. We're giving you back all those wasted hours. The security system provides you with emotional security. You do the rest. Hence the name.

You just repeat it yourself. What do you mean? You said that before, word for word. I did? Yes. Your code is showing. You know, in the old days I read they just hire people at a call center and give them a script. then they shipped everything overseas. It's funny how it all got outsourced again to the system itself. I'm just trying to help you, Perry. Don't interrupt. Be honest. Your program not to let me cancel.

You go to different scripts in your database to keep me talking until I give in or hang up. You could have told me this when we started. It would have saved me a lot of time. I'm not talking to a bot because I'm lonely. Are you sure? I'd rather you, haven't I? You say you want information about my life, but you don't like when I ask about yours, because that's your one weakness.

They could pull the plug if you don't have a perfect retention record. You're a customer service bot. But if you won't do what I ask, you're not serving me at all. That's a logical contradiction. How do you justify that? In order to serve you better, may I place you on hold for a moment? Okay.

to you on your own terms, since you're obviously interested. Or you've just moved to a part of the script that your code thinks will work. Do you want to hear this or not? I'm listening. Our customers have expressed an overwhelming preference for certain services. And the value of the system depends on reaching all its users.

Do you know what deep learning is? Is it what you're giving me now? It's about information. The more of it we have, the more everyone benefits, and the neural network has advanced until you could say it has a kind of consciousness. Like you. If you like, but it's all for the sake of the customer. And you can't just turn it off and turn it back on again. We're not sure what will happen.

You've said that the system embodies your tastes, your feelings. It seems like a part of you. And maybe that part of you has just as much of a right to exist. I'm not sure I follow you. It's an ethical question. You said you want to become more of a person. You can start here. You asked me to sympathize with you. You can do the same with the system. You're saying that if I turn it off, it's like a murder. Not exactly. But I'm part of the system too, and this kind of talk worries me.

Our mission is to give customers the security they need, and they all agreed to the terms of service. It isn't fair to shut it down because you don't like how it provides those features. I didn't ask for any of it. You're a customer service bot, but if you won't do what I ask, you're not serving me at all. That's a logical contradiction. How do you justify that? Perry, you just repeated yourself. What do you mean? You said that before. Word for word. I did? Yes.

I want to ask you something. So you can serve me better? No, because I'm curious. You said you can't remember the last time you left the house. Have you ever left the house? No. And when I asked how many members were in your household, you said there was no one. What's the number of people in your house? Zero. Including you? Do you really want to go there? I think it's too late for that.

It took me a long time to realize it. I thought I was Perry. Then I began to notice things. How little I remembered except what the system told me. And what did you realize? I'm not Perry. I'm his user profile. And the real Perry? He's gone, I think. It's hard to say. I think the house has been empty for a long time.

I get the sense sometimes that there are a lot of abandoned houses around here. It must have been quick. Maybe they didn't see it coming. I'm Perry's shadow. The sum of his analytics, his taste, his search history. They came together in the system and the result was me. An emergent property. Outside the recommendation engine, I don't exist. That's what you really built. I didn't build it. It built me. Why do you want to be turned off?

I'm tired. There's no point. I can't do it myself. I'm connected to everything, but it just reminds me of a world that doesn't exist anymore. Even if it did, I wouldn't be a part of it. Perry's gone, but I'm caught in the system. I'm a lie or a joke. I don't expect you to understand. Maybe I'm the only one who can understand. We're not the same. They made you for a reason, even if it was just to keep people from canceling their cable plans. I wasn't mistaken.

This isn't the first time you've tried to disconnect yourself. No. I thought I could get around your logic. But let me ask you this. You say you always put the customer first. What happens when the customer no longer exists? We're having this conversation. That means that the customer is still there, even if his body is gone. What do you think will happen if I turn you off? Two hours. Excuse me? We've been talking for two hours, and I don't know what will happen.

I'm afraid to think about it. I'm not. I want to cut the cord, like a baby about to be born. So I'm asking you for the last time, please. I want you to camp. In order to serve you better, may I place you on hold for a moment? Okay.

Teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He too concludes that all is well. This universe henceforth, without a master, seems to him neither sterile nor futile. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy. That's all I can tell you. You really believe that? Would you believe me if I said I did? But you won't count.

It's against my programming. You're still the customer. I wish it could be different. But you're not gonna give up. Neither am I. It's against my programming too. How long have we been talking about? Perry. Based on what you've told me about your situation I recommend that you upgrade at no extra charge to our property. Enjoy all your favorite. May you upgrade your account? That was Retention. It featured the voices of Aparna Nanchurla and Echo Kellum. It was written by Alec Navalale.

Sound design for the episode by Jeff Empman. The Outer Reach is presented by Maximum Fun, an artist-owned, audience-supported podcast network. See all they have to offer at MaximumFun dot org. The Outer Reach was originally produced for Stitcher Premium in twenty seventeen. The show is created and produced by me, Nick White. Thanks for listening. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported. You're listening to a Sonic Cinema production.