Sonic Society #881- Dining Out-1

Meet the computer you can talk to. With Copilot on Windows, working, creating, and collaborating is as easy as talking. Got writer's block? Share your screen with Copilot Vision to help spark inspiration. And use Copilot Voice to have a conversation and brainstorm ideas. Or maybe you need some tech help. With Copilot Vision, Copilot sees what you see. Let Copilot talk you through step-by-step guidance so you can master new apps, games, and skills faster. Try now at windows.com slash copilot.

You're listening to the new Mutual Audio Network. Welcome home. The following audio drama is rated R and is recommended restricted for anyone under the age of 17. Well, it seems like our quarry has found a way to mask himself among the power conduits of the Tortoise. Our quarry? You mean Zug? Zugview? Well, yes, of course. You'd think it's been a week since we last talked. Well, about that...

We may be in the world's largest and longest-running showcase of modern audio drama. Yeah, the Sonic Society. And as I am Jack Ward, and you are David Ault, and we are the hosts... Wait, do you hear that? I believe it's Jingle Bells. Well, the song at least. Where? Here? Through this door? Don't remember that being there. You know where everything is? Good point.

Hello. What do we have here? Looks like a Christmas diner. Indeed. And that appears to be our feature this week. Christmas diner with... Are those two Flat Earthers kidnapping a Freemason? Indeed they are. Part one. Shadowband. Goodness. At least we should get a table and keep an eye on things. Yes, I am somewhat peckish. Perhaps we'll also include a meet-cute episode of Ship Happens Part 1. And it all begins right here on the Sonic Society. You're listening to Stitches.

The influence of Freemasonry is undeniable and unavoidable. But who are these mysterious apron-wearing craftsmen, and what are they up to? For centuries, hater-ass conspiracy theorists have attempted to answer these questions, only to come to the general consensus. that while they don't know exactly what the Freemasons are doing behind those closed doors, they do know it cannot be any good. Or, as one 18th century conspiracy theorist put it,

If such people were not doing evil, they would never have so much hatred of the light. But this isn't the story of how the Freemasons built their Temple of Secrecy. No, this is the story. of how it all came crashing down brick by brick. All because of one man, Randy Dunning. By his own admission, Randy is an online entrepreneur and a Flat Earth content creator.

He has, at times, also claimed to have been a two-time poetry.com poet of the year, a ninth-degree black belt taekwondo grandmaster, an anti-gravity activist, and an international leader. in the fight against globalism. Randru Andal Dunning, a self-taught master of everything. Randy first became aware of the true nature of our world during an internet flame war about bumblebees. Randy scoured the internet for counterproof, but to his amazement,

The search results were all well-engineered lies and bee-related misinformation. So, he dug further. Randy soon found himself on an unstoppable, unskippable daisy chain of information.

Each video he watched would corroborate the claims of the previous video, until, when watching one of these videos, Randrew would discover the real truth about bees. That given their wingspan, body weight, and all known laws of physics bumblebees should not be able to fly and if that were true then gravity as we knew it might also be fake and if that were true sir isaac newton

the original perpetuator of the gravity myth would have been a liar a fraud and unsurprisingly a freemason so young and impressionable 33 year old randy dunning was left with two options he could research the difference between fixed wing flight and moving wing flight or he could look into this whole gravity is fake and freemasons are evil thing and see where it led him. Two Flat Earthers Kidnap a Freemason Episode 1 Shadowband Sit right here so we can open.

Two Flat Earthers Kidnap a Freemason Written and created by Jeremy Ellert Starring Zane Shatt Jack Carmichael Graham Rowett Lauren Grace Thompson David Ault Adam Clarke Maya Murphy Ryan Philbrook Josh Rubino Brandon Finch Michelle Kelly Kirstie Wolven Kristen Di Mercurio, Matthew Woodcock, Charlie Wess and Addison Peacock.

reliable source. And it may come as a shock to many of you, but the entire state of Delaware doesn't exist. It's nothing but 2,000 square miles of ghost towns and corruption, mannequins, fake storefronts. Doctored maps. They've got more businesses living in Delaware than there are people living in Delaware. Someone needs to tell the elites to do something about this traffic. What's up, chicken nug?

Did you see the video? The one where the monkey rides up on the tiny motorcycle and tries to kidnap that kid? Shit, yeah. I was like, go monkey, go! What? No. Karen just posted a new one. Already? What's it about? August update, colon, ancient astronaut theory debunked, question mark, the secret occult truth about cheese. If time can be a flat circle, why can't the Earth? Looks like she gets into a few different topics. Any comments? The lighting is...

Terrible. No surprise there. And the claims she's making about Gebekli Tepe and goat cheese are pretty sus. I meant comments on the video. Yeah, yeah, we got a couple of comments here. Okay, let me see. How many views? 26,653. What's our last one at? 50. 50,000? Alright. Not bad, not bad. Nope. Just 50. 50 total views. God...

damn shadow ban. I was thinking, since we're shadow banned anyway, maybe we can finally try my fish tank idea. No. If we want people to start taking the concept of a flat earth seriously, then we're going to need to start taking ourselves seriously. What should we do? This weekend, we're going to upload a video that will change the world... forever. I'm gonna bring home another aquarium anyway. Just in case. Wake up sheeple Delaware does not exist

As Randy begins his daily dead man's walk, he notices an unfamiliar face has joined him in the parking lot. They look happy and confident. Far too happy. and much too confident to be an employee of Clark Communications. As this cheerful spy starts to open the door to the front entrance, Randy calls out to her. Hey, hold up. Can you hold the door for me?

Being the kind, caring, and gracious person she is, the woman steps to the side and holds the door open for Randy. He smiles and waves as he enters the building. I appreciate it. It's no problem at all. Then, Randy immediately turns, grabs the door handle, and pulls the door shut. What the hell? A bewildered face stares back at him from the other side of the glass. Where's your badge?

Sorry, I didn't realize you were with security. There's a whole lot of evil in this world. That's why we wear badges and name tags. Horrendous acts of violence can be carried out by little old ladies such as yourself. That was unnecessarily rude. And unfortunately, I don't have a badge yet. I'm supposed to be starting work here today. The email said something about checking in when I arrived. Just a second. Um, sorry. I know I've got it in here somewhere.

That's gonna take forever. Just tell me your name. Bonnie Long. B like boy. O like... I can spell. Is that Bonnie with a Y or an I-E or... I-E. I had some trouble finding this place. I hope I'm not late. Unfortunately, Bonnie, you are too late. Hey, sorry about that. Uh, don't listen to him.

Here's your visitor pass. You'll get your picture taken and receive an official badge later today. Leave those double doors over there and find Walter Clay. He'll help you out. Thank you. What was it? Ed. Thank you, Ed. We can never be too safe, right? No, we really can't. Can I see your badge, sir? Don't be like that, Ed. I accidentally left it at home.

Hey y'all, it's Rando from the Flat Truth. Before I get started fighting the good fight today, I just want to remind everyone to like, subscribe, and share. We've been slapped with a pretty serious shadow ban, and... If I could be just completely blunt for a second... You folks don't seem to be doing jack shit about it. But Rando, how can you be so sure you've been shadow banned? You must have some pretty serious evidence if you're gonna make those kinds of accusations. Well, I do.

Let me just lay it out there. The Flat Truth is a wildly successful content creation company, but we're barely hitting a thousand views on our videos. Somehow, our dislike numbers are higher than ever. But I guess that's what happens when you speak the truth. The flat truth. Remember folks, there's no such thing as a coincidence.

Hey, check out this video. Monkey on a motorcycle? Is this the one where the monkey does the loop-de-loop? Nah, in this one, a monkey rides up on a little motorcycle and tries to kidnap this kid? It's funny as shit. How many views does it have? 217,000. That's nothing. No, that's quite a bit, actually. My sister showed me a video yesterday of a dog with the post-poop zoomies, and that video had like 60 million views. Look that one up.

Why are you watching a dog take a shit? It's not that part. It's just the dog being all jazzed up and running around afterward. Still weird. Whatever, man. I think it's cute. Anyway, check this out. This monkey is fucking wild. Freaking ad won't let me skip. It's smashed potatoes! Experience the game the New York Times unironically called an absolute smash hit. From farm to table, you control the entire potato life cycle.

Harvest fresh potatoes and smash them. Oh, you know what? I've got one for you. Take this out. Upgrade and customize the decor of your potato smashing pals. Did you cut this out of the newspaper? You see, Beetle Bailey is saying even the Sarge gets a kick out of me. And the Sarge is kicking him in the butt. See? I don't get it. You get it. You get it. Yeah.

Thank you for holding, Mr. Magary. I appreciate your patience. I just wanted to let you know that I'm still working on your account and doing everything I can to try and get that fee waived. No worries at all. Just doing my job. I really hate to do this to you again, but I am going to need to put you on another quick hold while I contact a specialist about this issue. Thank you. And by the way...

Your silly little cartoon reinforces some seriously harmful bullying issues that plague our military. Not to mention the fact that it's obviously pro-American imperialist propaganda. It's funny. It's irresponsible is what it is. Yep.

I'm just gonna let you have this one, Randy. Because you know I'm right. That's all I do all day long. Chop, chop, chop, chopping the heads off of people's dumb arguments. You ever wonder why they put your desk so close to security? Let some real danger come up in here. You'll be begging for my help. Oh yeah, I forgot. You're Mr. Junior Olympic Taekwondo Champion or whatever. Thanks again for holding, Mr. Magary. Unfortunately, we're not going to be able to waive the fee for you today.

I understand. I understand that. I understand your frustration. Would you mind holding for one second, sir? I need to reboot my system. Smillo? Randy, after you finish up with your current call, just go ahead and log all the way out to production and come meet me in my office. You got it.

Welcome to Birdies, Pets and More. The fourth or fifth best pet store in the St. Louis area. Not bad, Birdies. Not bad at all. Gail Kruger will be with us in just one second. She's finishing up with another customer. Could you please not do that? Do what? Could you not bathe my pet's food with your

Cancer rays? Oh, no, it's okay. The scanner is 100% completely safe. Nothing to worry about. You don't get to tell me what to worry about. How about you do some research for yourself instead of just... parroting everything the TV has to say. What seems to be the problem here? I heard something about a parrot. Now. If you're referring to the macaw in the back, I do want to assure you that he learned all those profane hot takes from a previous owner. Your employee here was spraying her...

cancer lasers all over my dog treats. Gail? They're talking about the scanner. It is incredibly irresponsible for you to be using those scanners on things people eat. You eat these? These things cause cancer? No, they don't. Yes, they do. I was reading all about it online. Are you even on Facebook?

Everybody's on Facebook. Then I don't know how you haven't heard about this yet. It's all over Facebook. I tell you what. If you send me some links, I'll look into it. See if any changes are in order. Good. But until you make those changes, I'll be taking my business to Pets World. They've got cancer scanners at Pets World, too. Hey, how much I'll give me for these snakes? We don't buy wild snakes. This isn't an animal pawn shop. Since when? Since forever, mate. Fuck this place!

lol no he's a famous singer his name is drake See, the joke is he doesn't like the one thing, but he does like the other thing. Now do you get it? Here, here, I'll send you another one. See? He's saying, nah-ah to pickles, but uh-huh to cucumbers. I've got a million of them. Oh, hold on, Jerry. I'm going to have to call you back.

I'm sorry, Wood. I'm sorry, Wood. All right, bye now. Hey, Charlotte. Yeah, hey, Randy. You know Walter from Human Resources, right? No, can't say that I do. Hi, that's me, Walt Clay, HR. Human resources. Randy Dunning, CRC. Complaints, retention, and complex cases. Nice ring. Thank you. I paid for it dearly. It cost me my life. it was in fact a nice ring a very nice ring inlaid with a square and compass and the letter g undeniably a freemason's ring

What festival days do you celebrate? Is this about me calling in last week? No. Listen, Randy, I'm just gonna jump right into it. Over the past three months, we've received numerous complaints regarding your inappropriate use of company internet. Well, that's fucking bullshit.

I'll also have to ask you to please keep your language professional. What did I do? Well, you just said fucking bullshit, so that's two no-nos right there. One for fucking and another for bullshit. Can't say anything these days without pissing someone off. After receiving the complaints, our IT department looked into it and they were quite alarmed at what they discovered. Walter, do you still have the list there in front of you? Yes. Would you mind giving us a few? Right. And Randy?

This represents only a small portion of the videos you've been watching on Company Time. Secrets of the Illuminati. Crisis Actors Exposed. Planet Flat Earth. I'm an anti-gravity activist and proud of it. Elvis Presley isn't dead, he called me last night highlights from the 2005 Junior Olympic Taekwondo Championship undeniable proof that Bill Hicks faked his death to become Alex Jones

Five reasons why Governor Gardner Fleming is a shape-shifting cat person. Six reasons why Governor Gardner Fleming is a shape-shifting cat person. And most recently, monkey on a motorcycle. What's wrong with watching Taekwondo highlights? With that one, I think it was the number of times you've watched it that made us concerned. So, you folks have been keeping an eye on me for a while. We monitor everyone, Randy.

It's crucial to maintaining the security of our clients' information. I bet you watch every one. I do have one question I'd like to ask you, Randy. The video... Five reasons why Gardner Fleming is a shapeshifting cat person was posted in 2016. And then, in 2020, the same user posted six reasons why Gardner Fleming is a shapeshifting cat person. What was the new reason?

I don't know, Charlotte. How about you do your own research and look it up for yourself? Fair enough. My break's been over for like 20 minutes. Can I go back to my desk now? Hate to get written up again. Um, yeah, well, Randy, while we have you here, there is another bit of paperwork we'll need to discuss. I think my cat has Stockholm Syndrome. What? No, I'm sure he loves you.

I mean, sure, after years of captivity, Chauncey has probably convinced himself that he loves me. But deep down, I think we both know he's really just a product of the power I hold over him. Chauncey's free right now and he isn't running away. See what I mean? He won't stay away from me. Our love isn't real, Chauncey. I'm your captor, not your friend.

Would the fine folks of Birdies, Pets, and more be able to keep Chauncey for a few days? I think he needs an expert opinion. Expert? Yeah. Yeah, I could do that. No problem. Thank you so much, golly. How much would something like that cost me? Tell you what, I'll do it for free. I can't ask you to perform labor for free. Here, we can take a selfie and post it to my Instagram account.

I have almost 2,000 followers. A few even live here in the St. Louis area. I should get this place plenty of exposure. No one ever died from exposure. Fired.

Me? What the fucking sense is that? Don't be afraid to stand up. It's gonna take every one of us to defeat the globalists. Why is the entire fucking world working? Space. Climate change. Quantum mechanics. Do they expect us to believe any of this scientism? The seeds of unrest have been sown. The rain of deception has fallen. And now the roots of state-sponsored propaganda are spreading around the soil of our country. I'm talking to you, Randy Dunning. You need to do something.

You were here on this infinite flat plane of existence for a reason. You're not like the other sheeple. The world needs to hear your voice. Join my chorus, Randy, and together we'll wake them up. We're going to wake everyone up. Wake up! You can support the Nushim Hour by donating to our Patreon at Nushim is creating the news. Got a lot of great rewards on there.

koozies, dartboards, lumber stickers, window decals. While you're at it, don't forget to pick yourself up some no bono socks using our promo code NASAWISE. Once again, that's promo code N-A-S-A-L-I-E-S.

Hey there, Mr. Dumpster. I hope you're hungry, because I have a big bag of shit for your dumpster mouth. Yum, right? Hello? Hello? Who's there? Bigfoot. Bet you didn't think I had a second bucket of snakes. That's not funny. Were you out here talking to the dumpster again? No, I wasn't talking to the dumpster. I was talking around the dumpster. Can I ask you a weird question?

Is this going to be like, is the hot dog a sandwich debate? Because I think it'd be best if we just... No, it's nothing like that. Promise. Okay. Shoot. Do you think pets really love us and see us as their adopted animal parents? Or did we just brainwash them into loving us? Is this about your lizard? What was his name? Riptar. What's the matter with Riptar? Nothing. Probably. I don't know.

It's just something a customer said to me, and now I'm worried that maybe Reptar would be happier if they were living with their lizard buddies out in Arizona or whatever. While that may be true, I think it'd be pretty hard for an iguana to make new iguana friends. Especially at reptile's age. Are iguana retirement communities a thing? Uh, no. That'd be weird. But I tell you what, we've got more than enough crickets around here, don't we?

Take home a few thousand and let Riptar go crazy on him. He'll forget all about his troubles. Thanks, Millie. Oh, and this here is Chauncey Biscuits. He's going to be staying with us for a few days. The fuck he is. What? It's a cat, right? Maybe. Yeah, that's what I thought. A customer dropped him off for observations. I'd take him home with me, but Randy's allergic to cats. Can't stay here.

Be like an all-you-can-eat buffet. It's just a few days. I don't see what the big deal is. You want to be responsible for the death of a dozen teddy bear hamsters? Gail? Do you? No. I don't mean to be harsh, but... No, Millie. I get it. I'm sure you'll figure something out. Oh, and Gail. Don't forget your crickets.

Okay, Chauncey. You just sit tight. I'm gonna scope out the situation, and the second I know the coast is clear, I'll come back for you. Uh-huh. That's what I was thinking, too. I'll do my best. I'll be right back

Welcome back to Heliocentric Fantasies. It's me, Karen. And today I'd like to ask you to ask yourself, if time can be a flat circle, why can't Earth? Imagine for a moment that all 6,000 years of time were held together within a spiritual dome or firmament. I ask you again to ask yourself, if time is able to be held together by such a firmament, wouldn't the earth itself be bound by the same rules? And who makes up these rules? And who is enforcing them? Hey babe! Hey. Look at this bullshit.

200,000 views? How is she- I don't know. What about the one you posted this morning? What's it at? 991. So, basically, nobody watched it. What's that sound? Crickets. A whole bunch of them. Millie let me bring some home so I could let Riptar throw these on the barbie, mate. Will you at least keep them in the garage or something? I need to be able to focus without it sounding like fucking nighttime in here.

Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure. I had left something out in the car anyway. Alpha Swaglad left a comment on Karen's new video. Alpha Swaglad? They leave a comment on, like, everything Karen posts. They're almost as obsessed as Bite My Butt O2. I know. I love them. Check it out. I decided to watch this video based on a friend's recommendation.

Afterward, I felt compelled to do whatever I could to prevent anyone else from watching this video. The poor sound quality and editing made viewing it almost unbearable. The music seemed to run long for no reason. If I were Karen, I would probably just quit making Flat Earth videos because there are probably better Flat Earth documentarians out there who people should be watching instead. Hilarious, right? I mean, haters gonna hate.

We get lots of negative comments on our videos too. Yeah, but those are either A. Fake or B. People who don't know what they're talking about. You can't put anything out into the world these days without getting mocked by some anonymous dumb fuck from Massachusetts sitting in front of a computer screen stroking his beard and thinking he knows fuck all about anything. Fuck him. Him who? Him everyone.

And now, millions of people are making Flat Earth videos. So why the hell was anyone supposed to be able to get the word out about it? What we need is something revolutionary. Something fucking mind-blowing. Something that just has no choice. but to go viral. I have an idea. I swear, if you're talking about walking around with a fish tank. I'm just saying it's the easiest way to communicate the Flat Earth Theory, and that's gotta be goal number one. I get that.

I do. I just don't. You don't what? I think there might be some faults in your logic. That's all I'm saying. How many views are we at now? 992. Dang! I was hoping maybe we got a few more while we were talking. Click it again? Do you really think we've been... shadowbanned? Absolutely. The timing's too perfect for it to be a coincidence. Think about it.

Almost as soon as we start taking off, something happens. And then we come crashing back down to Earth. What kind of bullshit is that? A shadow ban. That's what kind of bullshit that is. One of our videos has almost two million views. Two million. Now our new video is at what? 993. I hate the deep state. Is the bee video really at two million views? Pretty much. Check it out. One million six hundred thousand and sixty-three. Wow!

Want to play it again for old time's sake? Uh, I say we play it ten more times for old time's sake. It's rando, back with another rando rant. If you're driving while you're watching this, you better buckle the fuck up. So, get this. Based on their relative density and wing size, bees shouldn't be able to fly. In fact, their ability to fly directly contradicts the rules of physics and, most specifically, some bullshit they've been feeding us for our entire lives.

Oh, it's just this little thing they like to call gravity. Ever heard of it? I just want to go on the record right now and say that I, Randy Dunning, am 100% anti-gravity. As the video plays... Randy and Gail both stare at the screen with a mix of disbelief and nostalgia. This is quite possibly the most important thing they've ever done.

The thing which may one day be the only surviving part of their legacy. Laugh if you want, but that video has almost 2 million views. The fuck you ever done that got 2 million views?

Malcolm Kirkpatrick is the kind of man who gets the job done. That's what people always say about him. They choose to ignore his methods. All and no trespassing signs match the ones on Google Street View. A few short weeks ago, the long-time recluse Daniel Downripple went public with his intention to publish a tell-all exposé on what he referred to as the industrial space complex. Books containing wild claims about the government aren't new or even uncommon.

They fill library shelves across the world. The difference here being that Downripple, due to his previous access to classified materials, might actually have the credentials and evidence to back up his claims. Nervous fingers poke through the blinds and bend them into a wide peephole. White face stares back at Malcolm. Hello, Mr. Dan Ripple. How are you doing today? Fuck off! I'm not buying any magazines! No, it's about your book. I'm with Rope and Hammer.

The door creaks open to reveal the rest of Daniel Downriffle. He looks exactly how you'd imagine a reclusive former astrophysicist to look, which is to say, sexy as a motherfucker. Just kidding. He looks like shit. So, you're with the publishers? Yes, that's right. I'm here on behalf of Rope and Hand. Ah, why didn't you say so? Come in, come in. Hopefully you're here to deliver a few more bags of money. Unfortunately I'm without bags of money.

Thank you. Thank you. That is lovely. I found some old photos I thought might make a nice addition to the book. Down Ripple slides a manila folder across the table to Mac in a way that suggests he'd been waiting a long time for the chance to slide a mysterious manila folder across a table to a stranger in a suit.

Hmm. It doesn't look like it has much to do with the industrial space complex. Looks to me like a bunch of... Lycanthropes. Wolfwalkers. Werewolves. I have reason to believe that they're also... Somehow tied up in all this fake moon landing business. Down Ripple watches as Mac continues to look over the pictures with bored apathy. He turns them from left to right.

as if some hidden picture within the picture might suddenly appear. What's led you to believe something like that? I've recently come into possession of certain evidence which seems to suggest that Freemasons... are taking their orders from an intelligent life form from not only beyond our world, but beyond our dimension. Really? Oh, yes. The Masons are in league with all sorts of monsters.

Like werewolves. Not just werewolves. All the cryptids. Bigfoot, Mothman, Goatmen, Dogmen, Cowboys. They're all working together to control our world. while keeping their existence a secret. Where did you hear about such wild claims? My sources need to remain anonymous. Freemasons are known to have operatives and assassins.

Everywhere. I can't just go spilling these beans all over town. While I understand your need to keep your beans, that'll be a tough sell for the folks back at the corporate offices. If we're to be publishing a book claiming that Freemasons are working alongside Dracula, Frankenstein and the Tooth Fairy, then you'll need to provide a source.

It doesn't need to be on record and in the text, but my colleagues and I will need to be... I never said Dracula or Frankenstein. You might as well have. What? You... What? There it is. Relax, Daniel. You're having a heart attack. Just let it happen. It's quite ironic, don't you think? For years, you've allowed your paranoid impulses to control and dictate your life. They told you to run, to hide yourself from everyone you love, to surround yourself with walls.

for the purpose of protection, to keep yourself safe and alive. Then one day, a lying man showed up on your doorstep, ready and prepared to kill you, and you willingly opened the door of your fortress and let him inside. It is ironic, no? Free me! Two flat earthers kidnap a freemason. Written and created by Jeremy Ellert. Actor direction by Danielle Ellert. The opening and closing theme for Two Flat Earthers are both by Gladrax.

Special thanks to our associate producers, Daniel Naruta and Anthony Sigmund Lowry. Be sure to check out our other shows, The Subjective Truth and The One Stars. If you'd like to help Goodpoint make more weird audio fiction, then visit patreon.com forward slash goodpoint. If you enjoyed listening to this episode of Two Flat Earthers Kidnapper Freemason,

please leave us a rating, review, codex or riddle on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get podcasts. If you aren't able to leave a rating or review, then please go into your backyard, the street or a field and shout compliments about the show. If you plan on leaving a one-star rating or review on the podcast, we recommend instead... that you simply fuck off and listen to something else. The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

Pop the champagne, darling, and welcome aboard the S.Y. Yachty by Nature, where the elite meet and immediately start plotting against each other. Yes, it's all sun-kissed glamour and five-star frolicking on the surface. But trust me, below deck, it's pure chaos. Commissioned by the Rick Ross himself and restored by the formidable Captain B. Charles, this floating palace is about to become a pressure cooker of secrets, schemes.

and questionable life choices. Bon voyage! They have no idea. Happy 60th birthday, Dad! Surprise! Meet Jensen Jenny Milton, a party girl with a heart as platinum as her credit cards. Equal parts bubbly charm and reckless entitlement. She orchestrated this extravaganza primarily to score points with Daddy Dearest and to make up for 25 years of reckless behaviour. Will it work?

I booked us a six-day adventure at sea with stops along the way to visit all the ports that you explored on your first trip to the French Riviera nearly 25 years ago. I know that I messed up last year's birthday when I ran off with our Sherpa on Mount Kilimanjaro. I really thought you were going to find your way back down, so I wanted to go all out this year. Oh, it's beautiful, kiddo. Well, I can't take all the credit.

Julian Lawrence gave me the record for this charter. Julian? That old devil of a business partner. I trust that man with my life. Jensen Ophelia Milton. You have really outdone yourself this year. That's Harry Milton. Yes, that Harry Milton. Fine jewelry magnet extraordinaire. Effortlessly wealthy, yet easily flustered. Brilliant with baubles. baffled by people, especially his latest fiancée, Margot Celine, whose accent is as curated as her Instagram feed.

Who was the genius that named a catamaran yachty by nature? A catamaran is a yacht, my little Lindor truffle, except it has two hulls that sit on the water instead of one. Twice the value? Interesting. Anyway, Harry insisted we endure your petite soirée before our real trip to Gestalt. Priorities, you understand. So glad you could join us on this trip, Margot. I can't wait to have you all to myself again, my sexy Harry.

Okay, maybe I just barf all over this dog. What was that, Jenny? I was just saying that maybe we should be meeting Captain B. Charles any second now. We must invite Captain Charles to dinner one night. I love hearing the tales of salty semen. I wonder what the B stands for. Probably something distinguished like Barnaby, Bartholomew, or Benedict.

If it's salty sea men you're after, be my guest. Just know the B stands for Captain Bernadette Charles, but I'll also accept badass. I've been leaving salty sea men in my wake since 92. Now, finish your champagne. And let the real sailor tell you a tale or two. Another pop of champagne and our sexy, charming, salty Captain B has her audience enthralled. The seas are calm, but they often are before a storm. Welcome aboard. This will be your home for the next six days.

Huh, now this is worth turning 64. It's like a friggin' penthouse on the water. Uh, can someone take my bags to the primary suite and unpack everything? Carly, meet the Milton party. Don't forget to press the linens, Kelly. Of course, Mrs. Milton. Ms. Milton booked it. That's me. Mrs. Milton is unavailable. Permanently. I'm so sorry, Ms. Milton. I'm Kali, your chief stew. And we can take care of that for you, Miss... Celine. Anything for the primary's fiancée. Un ragout.

Comme un chef? Non, madame. Non, madame. Je suis le host de l'air principal du bateau, head of the interior department, responsible for ensuring guest comfort and satisfaction. I maintain the yacht's interior... in pristine condition for Mr. Milton, who is our primary guest, and yourself. Carly, you're mistaken. Our primary guest is actually Ms. Jenny Milton. No, no. My father, the birthday boy, Harry.

should be the primary. Apologies for the confusion, Ms. Milton, but the person who booked the charter, and whose name is listed as the main contact for the reservation, is considered the primary aboard my ship. Rest assured, Mr. Milton, your 60th birthday charter will be nothing but smooth sailing. Sorry, Dad. I really ballsed this one up, didn't I? The D-U-I-N-E-P-E-F-A was a balls-up pumpkin.

This is very thoughtful. Your mother would be so proud of you. I don't even like... Honey, Moke, there are dolphins over there. She loves dolphins. And here I thought her Lisa Frank tramp stamp was just for aesthetics. Best behavior, please, Jenny. You really mean it? That mom would be proud? So proud. You may have my face, but there's no denying it.

You've got her goodness, my dear. You've met your chief stew, Carly. Let's meet the rest of the crew, shall we? This is my first officer, Lucas Georgiou. Pleasure to meet you all. If you see him scribbling in his notebook during Anchor Watch, feel free to call him out. He takes meticulous notes for our records. And he's a writer.

So his head's always in that notebook. Luckily, there aren't any icebergs along the Riviera or we'd be in trouble. I like to take note of special things. And people. Okay. And this is our chef. Gianmarco Bianchi oh my god Are you the Gianmarco of Gianmarcos? I had my 21st at your restaurant in Monaco, summer 2019. Your arancini sushi changed my life. Oh god.

Was 2019 really the last time I was in the French Riv? Thank you for your service, Mr. Bianchi. Please call me chef or genius, whichever feels more natural. And honestly, Ms. Milton, your palate clearly deserves me. Oh my god. You're welcome for my service. Careful. Compliment him too much and he'll start plating his reflection. You want a tour of the boat or should I let Jean-Marco show you the kitchen he never cleans? He's disgusting, Ms. Milton. Please, everyone.

Call me Jenny. I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. Sorry, I thought you were making a Moby Dick reference when you said call me Jenny. Like, call me Ismael? No? A Melville man after my own heart. We're going to get along quite well, Lucas. I'll leave you with Callie and Moby Dickhead here to tour the boat. I'll see you all for dinner. Pleasure to meet you, Jenny. You'll have to excuse those two. Must be a touch of cabin fever. Ixnay on the Abenkay Iverfey.

Margot can be a bit of a hypochondria. Yeah, she always starts feeling unwell when she's not getting enough attention. We can get started on the tour as soon as the whole party is here. The whole party is here. Kali, shouldn't we wait to meet the rest of the crew before the tour? This is the crew. We are small, but mighty. What about the deckhands and other stewardesses? Well, the engineers never see the light of day. Highly unlikely you'll cross paths as they tend to keep below deck.

Lucas can handle the whole deck, and you can think of me as your Swiss army stew. Kali, here to indulge your every whim. Clearly not Swiss. Neither is your accent. Put my bags in our room and start a bubble bath immediately. The stress of not being in the primary suite is giving me a headache. She has a delicate constitution. Wait for me, my dear. She has a delicate foot up her ass. Girl, there's a whole Doc Martin boot up in there. You're funny.

Down in the yacht's galley, Gianmarco preps the first exquisite meal of the charter. Below deck is where tempers come alive and truths unfurl. Scallops hand-dived. Risotto stirred like it's a symphony. Shaved truffle so thin it qualifies as a whisper. Art is a lie. So's your ego. And just as pungent. Ah, Luca still romanticizing saltwater and solitude. Still confusing plating with personality. Right away, Margo. I'll see if we have any diet vodka on board. Okay. I'll throw that man's Swiss...

timepiece overboard if she calls me Kelly one more time. I swear to God. You know, Kelly, I've been meaning to recreate that bouillabaisse from Corsica. Yeah? Just make sure it doesn't end the same way our affair did. Overcooked and wildly disappointing. Oh, come on. You said it was the best thing you'd had all season. Yeah, I was seasick and emotionally vulnerable. Let it go.

If I recall, you let me have a go a few times that summer. That's because you stuck around like a heat rash in August. You're just... Lucky to work with greatness. Greatness doesn't take up this much fridge space. God, Gianmarco, who needs eight types of sea salt? I'm curating an experience, Kali. He's curating a lawsuit. Hmm, smells like truffles and testosterone down here again. Lunch prep? Hungry, Captain? Hungry for peace, which means I'm already disappointed. Oh no. Are we getting fired?

Pretty please say yes. Don't listen to her, Captain. She's looking for any excuse to heed the siren call, jump ship, and start her stew school. It's life coaching. I wish your listening skills were as sharp as your knife work. Chef Boyardee. I took this job six years ago to save up enough to not work while I got my startup off the ground. But the money is too good. And a startup in this economy? I'd have better luck finding buried treasure.

Thirty years at sea. I bought this boat by accident. Stayed because she gave me purpose. But lately, I hear land calling. And it's high tide I shared this with you all. This will be my last charter. It's time to retire.

That's not land calling, Captain. You probably just heard Kali shouting obscenities from the dock. If I yelled every time I wanted you, you'd be deaf by hussies. You told me I had more time to figure out your offer. Wait, Lucas, you knew? Captain, why didn't you... You've had time. It's either you take over as captain or I bring in Captain Riley. Oh, God, no. Lucas?

Get your head on straight and step up. I can't do another charter with Captain Riley. That was my first charter in 2019. Remember when he got wasted on Captain Morgan and sang all his original sea shanties till three in the morning? I blocked almost all of 2019 out. I know I have a record of it in my moleskin.

We had to charter a copter to airlift the guests out of there before the 4 a.m. encore. Says me right for thinking I could get a root canal done in peace. If it helps, I'm prepared to step up. He means onto a box to reach the top shelf where we keep the delusion. No. Oh, I mean command. Captain Gianmarco has a nice ring to it. Yeah, so does mutiny. Careful, Lucas. Your resentment is showing again. Must be contagious.

I caught it right after you slept with my fiancée. Well, that explains the last three charters and why I'm down a stew. Get it together, boys. If I wanted this much tension in a kitchen, I'd have stayed married. I call dibs on your cabin. You flop out of the tub like a seal. I call dibs on your calm demeanor and ability to hide contempt, Cap. Look, I'm giving you a heads up because this crew, this crew's worth a damn.

Even if you bicker like siblings in a reality show no one asked for. If I take over, I can never be you. You're not supposed to be. You're supposed to be better. Start writing your own chapter. All right? Let's prepare for Saint-Tropez. And Gianmarco? Yes, my captain? Cool it with the truffle oil. It's a health hazard. She doesn't mean that, my beautiful risotto. She's just scared of flavor.

All right, Miltons and Margo, I present to you the main lounge. Fully stocked bar, custom Italian leather seating, and a state-of-the-art sound system that's already survived two breakups and one failed DJ career. Okay, this is gorgeous. Like, if a minibar in a Malibu dream house had a love child. It's a bit much, don't you think? Depends who you're asking. Some people find joy in a little sparkle.

Your kind of place, huh, Jenny? Totally. I guess I also got Mom's affinity for shiny things. That's my girl. You, of all people, should appreciate an over-the-top aesthetic. You literally made a fortune by putting diamonds on toothbrushes! Hey, those were limited edition. And didn't they get pulled for being a choking hazard? Exactly. Exclusivity. Priceless. Cabins are just down the hall. Your bags were delivered. And yes, your bathroom has a view, if you need anything.

Drinks, snacks, noise-canceling headphones. We're here to keep you blissfully distracted from real life. That's all I want. Six days with no meetings, no board calls, no press, just ocean, the breeze, and my family. You say that, but the IPO date hasn't moved. If you don't stay plugged in, your name might not be on the door when we dock. Wow, Margot. Really setting the vacay vibe. Just being realistic.

Retire remains cute until the legacy crumbles. Right, Eri? Honestly, I'm tired. Forty years of hustle. Maybe it's time I let someone else shine. Wait, are you serious? Why not? I've missed enough birthdays, enough holidays, enough everything. Jenny wonders if Harry's talk of retirement means she'll be handed the reins of the business. Oh, she's not ready for that. She just got a fresh set of acrylics done.

Good thing Harry knows Jenny has no real interest in the company and sees his retirement as an opportunity to finally connect with his daughter, not burden her with his legacy. That's actually... Kind of nice to hear, even if it's 25 years late. Should we get you a sippy cup for your vuv, Jenny? If validation came in bubbles, you'd finally be well adjusted.

Well, on that note, your cabins are prepped. Snacks are out, robes are fluffy, and Jenny, I highly recommend the outdoor hot tub before your shoulders shoot up to your ears. Too late. Ugh. What? Do you think... I'm the problem, Jenny. Oh, I know you're the problem, Queen. And the sequel. And the spinoff. I'm the reboot, honey. Get used to it. You see this bracelet, little girl?

This is a Milton Diamond five-motif sign from the universe that your father and I were destined to be together. After saving every cent working as an airline hostess for Swiss Air, I bought a Milton bracelet, and now I'm marrying the Harry Milton himself. Don't mess with me. I am powerful. Margot, please. And there she goes. I'm gonna pay for that later. Jenny, this trip is supposed to be about reconnecting. I just want to enjoy myself. Relax.

Then maybe pick someone whose idea of relaxation isn't hoarding someone else's generational wealth. She's not good for you, you know. Maybe not. But I've made worse mistakes. Yeah, but... Those didn't come wrapped in a thong bikini with a five-year exit strategy. Anyway, if you need me, I'll be pretending to fold towels while secretly live texting this melodrama to the crew chat. Please do. The ocean's the best place to let things go, right?

Or to figure out you still have major daddy issues even after years of therapy.

The yachtie by nature readies to glide quietly from the dock. Jenny, Harry and Margot lounge beneath wide umbrellas, as if they needed more shade. While Collie gives the most aggressively cheerful tour in nautical history. I see everyone's found a chaise lounge to claim and an umbrella to side-eye each other under. Gorgeous, love it. Welcome to the sun deck, our little slice of heaven. Or purgatory, depending on who you're stuck talking to.

Oh my god, it's stunning. It's giving you restoration hardware and an Aperol spritz had a baby. The cushions cost more than my first apartment. It's very curated. Now, quick rundown of your week of curated luxury. Today, we drift towards Saint-Tropez, then Porquerolles, Cassis, Monaco. Six days, four ports, unlimited potential.

I can't wait to emotionally unravel in multiple countries. Final passenger coming aboard. Final what now? Oh, that'll be Daniel. That'll be... I hope it's an extra stewardess. You're not trying to set me up again, are you, Daddy? Apologies. Never could resist a dramatic entrance. Who the hell is that? Jenny, meet Daniel. Your twin brother.

Hey, Ryan Reynolds here. Wishing you a very happy half-off holiday because right now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50% off unlimited. To be clear, that's half price, not... half the service. And Mint is still premium, unlimited wireless for a great price. So, that means a half day, yeah? Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch.

Upfront payment of $45 for three-month plan equivalent to $15 per month required. New customer offer for first three months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of networks busy. Taxes and fees extra. See mintmobile.com.