You are listening to the new Mutual Audio Network. Welcome home. The following audio drama is rated PG for parental guidance. Are you alright, David? I think so. I'm less bruised than when we use the audio, at least. At least your memory isn't affected. Can you see anything? Just a second. Welcome to the Sonic Society, the world's largest... What are you doing? Trying to see if my memory is affected. And longest-running showcase of modern audio drama. This week's episode is...
837? Oh, it's 837. According to the Tortoise, Carol Seymour and David Drazen, with Carol Seymour, David Drazen, and the Northside-Southside radio players have been kind enough to contact you and Mutual. We can follow their feed down at archive.org, which is connected. So, we did it? We're in audio space again?
It looks like it. Although the tortoise is not working at full power, the heart has been reignited with both the trickle charging of the last ambit and the overcharging of the transcontinental terror last month. As it left the final connection to England behind, we were able to...
piggyback and make it this far and now we make our way to put the kettle on and flywheel and revel and it all begins right here on the sonic society i'm so excited The Northside, Southside Radio Theater players bring you Bro Show and Chico Marx, the Marx Brothers! It's Spaulding, the African explorer. It's so my Polish lover. Hooray, hooray, hooray. He went into the jungle. Hey, hey! Hey, hey! If the Captain Spalding, the African explorer, he brought his name undying.
to the pathetic and tiny New York storefront occupied by Flywheel and Reveille shoemakers. Why are you hammering out of the wall? It's 8 a.m. Time to wake up the termites. Why don't you let them sleep? Nothing doing. Somebody's got to work around here. Don't look at me. It's a deal.
Ravelli, nobody's hired us to make a pair of shoes in three months. Maybe we should get out of this racket and try something else. Why don't we try vaudeville again? Ah, no thanks. I can see it all now. We'll go from shoe biz to show biz. Let's start practicing. Where did you put the rear end of the horse? I made it into a pair of slippers and I traded them at the diner for coffee and the donuts. What? Why wasn't I informed? Ravelli, you traitor.
Holding out on me and after all I've done for you. I suppose you think I don't like donuts. How should I know? Say, boss, how long have we been in the shoe making the business anyway? It all started when my father got off the boat at Ellis Island. With Pluck and Luck, he headed straight to Hester Street. Who were they? Pluck and Luck, they had a Shotsu route. They had a soft shoe routine. I'm ruining the jokes. Maybe they needed a hard look.
And when he got to Hester Street, what was the first thing he saw? How many guesses? Standing behind a pushcart was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. It was all at first sight. Catfish, two for a quarter. I know I got a quarter. Overwhelmed by youthful passion, he leapt over the cart, took the girl in his arms and kissed her. She responded the only way she knew how. What'd she do? Bashed him in the face with a catfish.
After an impromptu visit to Rabbi Moskowitz, friends and relatives bombarded them with rites and old shoes. So they put on the shoes and boiled the rice. Ah, that's a nice. Intending to spend their wedding night under the pushcart, by the time they got back, someone had pushed it. It's cold outside. Then I was brought into the world. Where are you from? The Bronx. Well, here's a Bronx cheer. I'll get it. Filthy shop, the place of business of Flywheel and Rivelli shoemaker? I don't think so.
Mrs. J. Potter Wordsworth, widow of Huber P. Wordsworth, the so-called Baron of Roscoe, is having a charity bazaar at her palatial estate. And who are you? I am Wilbur. Mrs. Waltsworth's butler. Wilbur the butler? Yes. There's a novelty in Mrs. Waltsworth wants twenty of her wealthiest guests to have handmade shoes, which she'll then have auctioned. on a live radio broadcast. Hey boss, there's a lot of money in the radio. Quiet, you fool.
And why exactly has he chosen our establishment? Mrs. Wardenroth instructed me to find the most damtrotten, pathetic, disgustingly powerful shoemakers in New York. Sweet talker. In that case, we accept. But first, why don't you tell us all about yourself? Ravelli, aren't you just a little curious about Wilder? No. Come on, kiddo. Tell us all about yourself while we wait outside. I'm Wilbert! Mrs. Buzz will spot on! One must have a son of a heart of God's son To be in the very best one that I am
Yes, ma'am. It's time for Luther's Bosco. Take him into the kitchen and have Edna prepare it for him. Yes, ma'am. Really, Janine, don't you think you're pandering Luther excessively? Nonsense, Ellsworth. If it were in my power, I'd make sure all dogs drank Bosco. Oh, enough of dogs and Bosco. When are we going to set the date?
Don't be silly, Ellsworth. I've no time for that now. I absolutely won't speak of that till after the broadcast. Very well, Janine. But I intend to hold you to that declaration. Oh, Ellsworth. You mustn't make me feel sentimental, you dear, oh dear, oh dear. Excuse me, my lady, I took the liberty of inviting those two shoemakers you indicated. From the slum, the worst part of, I mean, old Mr. Frywheel and Mr. Ravelli. Well, show them in, by all means. Yes, m'lady.
Walk this way, gentlemen. You hear that, Ravelli? He said walk that way. Ah, okay foot in here, but not out on the street. Look who's coming. It must be the Earl of Snottingham. Oh, no. Are you the shoemakers discovered by Mrs. Wadsworth? Well, I wouldn't be too sure. When was the last time you had your monocle a sandblaster? For your information, I happen to keep my monocle spotless. Well, don't tell Spot.
We'll have to call the Bureau of Missing Spots. Hey, boss, what are you talking about? Pip, pip. What's new in Parliament? I feel for heaven's sake. Heaven had nothing to do with it, big boy. Well, hello there. Are you Mr. Flywheel? And are you Mr. Rivelli? And are you Mrs. J. Potter Wadsworth, the witty old Hubert P. Wadsworth? Yes, I am. Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you. What?
I've always loved you. Let me take you away from the splendor and reintroduce you to poverty. Well, I don't think I... Yes, I'll start now. Let's walk hand in hand, and I'll show you the finer points of the Lower East Side. This is so sudden. Our courtship has dragged on long enough. Let's make it permanent. I've never heard anything so preposterous. This lunatic must be insane. Is that so? Well, Egbert, surely it's time for a changing of the guard.
Be gone. You upstart. In England we have a word for people like you. Is it upstart? You just said that. If that's not the word, I give up. Allow me to present you with this dictionary. I'm sure there's a word in there someplace. Janine, are you going to continue listening to this? What? Well, I don't know what I can do. How dare you address the woman I love by her first name. What was it again? Janine. Thanks.
Well, Janine, why have you brought us here today? Hey, boss, I'm hungry. Quiet. Janine, would you be so kind as to present Ravelli with a crust of bread? Well, but we're having dinner and have... That gives us 30 minutes for lovemaking, unless there's an appetizer. You see, I had a fabulous idea for a New Year's Eve stunt. My friends are all very well-to-do.
and I'm inviting over a hundred of them. I've pre-selected 20 of the guests for you to make each one of them a handcrafted pair of shoes. Then on New Year's Eve, the rest of the guests will bid for the shoes during an auction live on the radio the people you've made them for have to bid against the others to keep the shoes if they go to someone else
You'll make the adjustments, of course. It's just a publicity stunt to raise a fortune for charity on New Year's Eve. Hey, boss, I know one about Anna, but she's a crazy. Nobody's gonna bid for shoes on a radio broadcast. Keep quiet, Ravelli. You must excuse my partner, Ravelli. He's confused by your original concept. It's the first one he ever heard. I'm going to have you both thrown out of here. Ellsworth, how dare you suggest such a thing?
We've invited Mr. Flywheel and Mr. Rivelli, and I expect you to treat them with respect. Oh, no. All right. Yes, L. Swift. Now be a good lad and go telegraph your mother in Britain. Tell her you'll be right home. Oh, come on, Janine. Sometimes you treat me as if I've never done anything good. Well, what have you done? I found Wilbert. You didn't have to look far. He's your uncle. He's a fine fellow.
Granted. Deny ourselves. Oh, boy. Thanks, Uncle Wilbert. I'm not your uncle. Just follow Ravelli. When it comes to food, he's a bloodhound. Mrs. Wadsworth? Yes? The wire is in place. We got the microphone ready for you. The remote equipment is all hooked up. We're just waiting for the cue to be switched over from the studio. Oh, goody! Mrs. Wadsworth? Yes? Five minutes. Now Ellsworth, it's almost time for the broadcast. Go stand by the microphone.
Get ready to go on the air when the engineer cues you. Look, Ginny, you don't want to go on the air and you are stupid. What? I mean, do a live broadcast of the orchestra. Now, you did say you'd name the players after the program. Calm down. I'm not so sure. Hey, has he had his shots? Yes, he has. I mean elsewhere. No, you offstart. There's that white again. Now, Tuttle Top, it's almost time for your network debut.
Well, what is it, Wilbur? You might consider him not annoying him, sir. He appears to have a grudge against you. I'm not interested in that stupid job. Somebody take control of this dog. Help that. Help somebody. Hey, call me Carlos. That man is stealing a dog. All right, I call. 30 seconds. Now what am I going to do? It's time for the broadcast. You're on.
Allow me. Good evening, listeners. This is Rufus T. Flywheel coming to you live from the Wadsworth Broadcasting Company on the Blue Network. Ain't these tears in these eyes telling you. Tonight's live broadcast is brought to you by Bosca, the only high-protein drink with no food value. And don't forget, folks, the man who invented it is deceased. That's what I call the mark of quality.
i suppose you're wondering why i've called you here tonight mrs j potter wadsworth is raising money for charity by selling shoes live on the air and what is the charity mrs wadsworth is funding a new home for the indigent wealthy But before the auction begins, we have just time for a vocal interpolation by that eminent basso profundo, Signor Emmanuel Ravelli, who I'm sure will be unable to control his honesty. Are you prepared? I don't know, but I will try. This is what I want to say.
Let's not be alone. There's been times when we had zero. Just... Can't forget I'm here, so just give me food. Well, let's know that something's talking. Tell by. here so just give me food when I smell that something's cooking Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for the auction to begin. Wilbert, are you providing me with a list of names of the guests who are wearing those special handcrafted shoes? Indeed I will, sir. Here it is. Thanks.
Our first contestant is Lady Felicity Rocksworthy. Thank you. Thank you. She's decked out in a gorgeous deep green floral length pub tent with rhinestone earlobes. She wears a size 11 1⁄2, which comes in handy for stomping grapes. I bid 60. I bid 75. I bid 90 for these adorable shoes. Going once, going twice.
Sold! Lady Felicity keeps her shoes. Come on, folks. You can do better than that. You spent more than that today on bootleg gin. Our next contestant is Henry Hofstetler, who stands six feet two, eyes of brown. His new size nine shoes are going to town. What's the first bid? Seven bid. Is it hard? Ninety-five. One hundred and forty-seven dollars and sixty-
Sold to the gentleman wearing a dead carnation with his shirt tail out, a beard like both Smith brothers, and a copy of Pollyanna under his arm. That's a very good book. And now next on the runway is a size eight and a half shoe and standing in them is Arthur Frisbee, whose tuxedo is one size too small, which explains his reddened complexion and pop-off toupee. We'd better start the bidding before his veins collapse.
$2.75. $400. $2,000. Gracious. Sold to the drunken old bag in the floral creton frock with two lower lips. Or a stoop, nagle, and boy. One night when I'm in the barn, smelling by a gallon, I'm sure that I'll wish to hear thee. Especially as Orville is dead. We used to strive to make the palace. To get there was an old...
Until things began to slide In a bank account pre-planning incision I'm wondering... A telescope is much harder to find A radio world is kind of a healthy land You'll never find yourself More sense than joy in the sand. Working on your taxes till you grow. Thank you so much for taking over for Ellsworth and doing the broadcast. How can I ever repay you? From the moment we met, I've imagined a lifetime of companionship with you, your dead husband's money.
And Luther, if he ever comes back. How about it? Well, I'll think about it. Or can you at least get me a job as a radio announcer? It pays better than Shoemaker. Of course I can do that. I think we should do the auction all over again next New Year's Eve. Hey, boss, when is next New Year's Eve? Oh, long about November 29th, is my guess. Hey, you're crazy. That's too far off.
You certainly crafted those nice leather shoes quickly. Only one day. Well, you advancing us the cost of materials certainly took up the slack, so to speak. We don't make us slacks. We make us shoes. Quiet. What was the most difficult part of making 20 handcrafted pairs of shoes in one day? Removing the brand. He means removing the brand that the cowboys use when they brand the cattle.
Can't have a pair of leather shoes that say bar X along the side, now can we? Well, no, of course not. If I must confide, no one knows where the cow is. Silly. And next time I'm going to put my brand on you. She no smoker cigars. From now on, it's going to be Rufus and Janine Flywheel. And Ravelli. All right, and Ravelli.
and Chico. Hey boss, all of this time I thought you were making the shoes. You were listening to Fred Allen. Not so, Chico. Not so. I actually was making shoes. Everyone knows shoemaking sounds like gold diggers of 1935. I used to go out with them. So did I, Chico. So did I. Wait. How do I know it was her? Who? The same gold diggers in 1935 that I went out with. Well, there's no way to be sure at this point.
They were wonderful. Yes, there we were at MGM, but to get a date, we had to go to Warner Brothers. They said okay. Harry Warner and Jack L. Warner. By 35, Warners was doing better than Paramount. Ah, the Paramount movies aren't the best. But they used to say MGM was the best. Louis B. Mayer didn't like comedians. Look what he did to Keaton. Yeah, and Anita Page. Remember her? Oh, yes. I remember Anita.
Then after a night at the opera, we were dumped out on RKO. Yes, but lucky for us with Lucy in the movie, that helped us later on. Who knew? Yeah, but it really wasn't a very good picture. Too long in the hotel room. Claustrophobic. Claustrophobic? Who was she? She was with Monogram. But then we had one more big picture at MGM at the circus. They treated us like kings in those days, even though Thalberg was gone.
Yes, he was gone by then. But thank goodness for radio. Yeah, radio. Thank heavens for radio. Radio. Good old radio. The chauffeur's friend. Poor people. The opiate of the masses. Grandma's favorite show. A nation tunes in to forget their troubles. Come on, get happy. I shot an elephant in my pajamas. He wore a size 4002. You for me, me for you. Well, I guess that's enough. Good night, folks. Good night.
the butler, Just Give Me Food, and Radio is Radio by Mr. Drazen. Flying Wheel was played by Dave. Pavelium was played by Joe Robinson. Ellsworth, Lady Felicity, and the Radio Engineer were played by... This is Janine Potter-Wattsworth and Luther, who were played by Carol Seymour. Sound effects by Dee Dee. build broadcasting system and the makers of Royal Mint Tea bring you Mrs. Ellen Thackeray in... Put the kettle on.
Let the Royale Mid-Tea Time tune remind you at tea time to have a cup of Royale Mint tea. And now tonight's episode, the vase from Mesopotamia. for heaven's sake i'm exhausted what are you doing dusting it's surprising how long one can go without Dusting, Bertie. Why don't you leave that to Merkel? He's our caretaker slash worker B, isn't he? Because I'm liable to lose my membership in the SCOC. S-C-O-C. What in the world is that? Senior Citizens Overachievers Club.
Suit yourself. I'm going to continue assembling this Airfix Douglas F4D Skyray Series 3 jet plane model kit I happen to come across sealed at resale. Can you believe it, Erlin? That's marvelous. Well, I have some very important things to do in the back garden. I planted some cabbage, planted some tomatoes too. Well I planted some cabbage, planted some tomatoes too.
Now I'm fighting off the insects till I don't know what to do Well I planted some rhubarb, planted some everywhere Well I planted some rhubarb I planted some everywhere Now I've so much boobab it's gotten in my hair I woke up in the morning and then I planted beans I woke up in the morning, then I planted these. They ain't got no diseases, at least none that I've seen. I planted some petunias.
and spice the only thing I didn't plant was rice but I love them and British rockin' roll British moogie woogie will certainly satisfy your soul Huh? I planted some nasturtiums and some parsley next door. Lattice gladiolas, who could ask for more? Cause I love them. And British rock and roll. British Boogie Woogie will satisfy your soul. British Boogie Woogie. British Boogie Woogie. British Boogie Woogie. British Woogie Woogie! British Woogie Woogie! Will satisfy yourself!
Bertie, would you please get him to stop that knocking? I'm very busy. Where's Merkle? Merkle! Sorry, sir, but I'm not a butler. I'm a groundskeeper and all-around handyman, not a butler. Would you please answer the door and fix the doorbell? I'm very busy. I'm a groundskeeper and all-around handyman, not a butler. We can't afford both. You're out of earshot, sir. I can't hear you. Berthey, would you please stop that knocking? Oh, all right. Young man, would you...
kindly stop that knocking. I thought I asked you to put a stop to that knocking. But I... I'll take care of it. What is... Ooh! Well, what can I do for you? Telegram, miss. Oh, well, is it a singing telegram? Um, no, Mum. Would you be so... kind as to sing it anyway. No mum, I'm not much for singing. Would you mind trying? I've never received a singing telegram. There's a bonus in it for you if you would. Yes, be a good fellow and sing it. Alright, and I'll have a go. I'm sending Thank you.
Office of F Lexington. Stop. Sincerely. What happens for you, lad? Ta, good-bye, miss. I didn't know Cousin Alfie was in Mesopotamia. Cousin Alfie can make a mess of anything. Now, now, but... Bertie, why should we have to go to some office somewhere when the telegram came right here to us? That's a fine question and I haven't the slightest idea. Perhaps it's outsourcing a third-party contractor or something. Well, who is this fellow, F. Flaxington Harker? Oh, Merkle! I'll be right there, miss.
we have to go to the office of f laxington harker cousin elfie in mesopotamia is exporting a rare valuable antiquarian vase to us evidently by way of that office would you kindly find out the address ah yes i would miss except that's not me job i'm a handyman not a butler or a secretary all right i'll look up the address A rare and valuable antique vase from the age of antiquity, you say? Well, it must be very valuable and rare. That's what he says.
Of course, there's always extenuating circumstances that could affect the valuability of an artifact, Mrs. Thackeray. Mum? Miss? What? Like what? for instance if it were covered in say scooch marks what what are they yes what little scratches all over it It shouldn't have any scooch marks. It's probably been very well cared for. I certainly hope so, for your sakes. Do you think it could be a Persian ewe?
what a persian era he's not sending us a sheep he's sending us a vase i know that that must be it f laxington harker importer of rare objets curiosities and addenda number six one one two two south padley drive in hogsworth begging your pardon sir but might i tag along that address is remarkably close to finchley's fixall shop i could pick up what i needed to repair the doorbell fine Oh how I love to
catch a ride to connelly's ale house have a pint with some of the lads and listen to us grouse and then i'll walk around to bend The Finchley's fix-it shop Unless I have another pint Because that I can't stop It's when I have that second point, that's when the trouble starts. Because I have a job to do, so from the foremost part, I must re- Prepare the doorbell soon since I'm a handyman. And stop this boozing right away or at least as soon as I can.
In stopping now, here comes point number three. I like to have a couple of pints. I guess I'll always be. I'll always be. of very much wealth I'm sure I'll fix the doorbell soon as I can help myself It doesn't appear to be very far. Oh, Bertie, look! Isn't that that lovely telegram-delivering fellow? God, I hope not. Don't do that! Bertie, slow down.
Off duty for a couple of hours, as I have nothing pending thought I'd pop round the Collins Ale House for a pint. Where is it? Next door to Fitchley's fix-all shop. Just round a bend at the bottom of the hill. It doesn't bode well for that job, Earl. Don't you worry about that, sir. I'm a handyman, not a secretary or a butler. Would you like a lift?
That's quite north of you, miss. Yes. Ellen, there isn't enough room. Don't be silly. Of course there is. He can sit next to Merkel in back. Just shove over. Nice to have a bit of company. We're going to find out about that rare and valuable vase. You mean the one from us for time here? Why don't you two just come along with us? Are you insane? Oh, Bertie, come on. It's just as interesting to them as us. Is this the address? Yes, number 6-1122 South Padley Drive on Hogsworth. Is this...
Is this the residence of F. Lexington Harker, Esquire, importer of rare objet d'art, curiosities and addenda? It is, sir. Is Mr. Harker at home today? mr harkler is the lady that's impossible well is she home to-day yes miss indeed she is she's right down that hallway to your left i'll introduce you what name shall i give mrs ellen thackeray thanks oh thank you thank you so much beg your pardon m'lady mrs ellen saccaray uncle patriot to visit with you
If you please. May we come in? Yes, do come in. Thank you. You may go, Roswell. Thank you, Milady. Are you F. Flaxington Harker? I am. What does the F stand for? Flax. Flax Flaxington Harker? Call me Flaxie. Cousin Alfie thinks you're a he. Ah, I have many disguises. Tea time! Well, four o'clock, isn't that nice? Is that a crumpet? No, that's a biscuit.
Don't the Americans call them cookies? Well, let's have it. What delicious tea? What kind is it? The only kind of tea we have served here at Flaxington Manor. Royal Mint Tea. It's delicious! Now, Mrs. Thackery, what brings you here today? Well, uh, Flaxie...
i've received a telegram from cousin alfie in mesopotamia claiming he's sending us a rare and valuable vase he's asked us to hang on to it for him until he's released yeah pity that may i see that telegram good heavens this was sent six weeks ago telegrams from overseas can be delayed of course there's no telling when your cousin's being released no matter the delivery might be nearly here this genuine telegram is all the proof i need when it arrives i'll certainly turn the box over to you
Excuse me, m'lady? Yes, Roswell? a delivery man was just here with this medium-sized imported package containing a rare and valuable vase good heavens that's it Ooh, is that the international container box that's containing that rare and valuable antiquarian vase from Mesopotamia that we've been hearing so much about?
just ignore him we'd better open it immediately yes i'd say so definitely if you don't mind mr and mrs thackeray oh my husband's dead bertie is my brother as you wish miss but consider that as an importer of objets d'art curiosities and addenda i could immediately verify the legitimacy of the object That should be fine. Shouldn't it, Berthey? Definitely. As the circumstances are so unusual, that would be a help. Merkel, would you happen to have a box cutter?
i happen to have one right here with me by an odd coincidence happenstance as i am a handyman not a butler or amy the whole hand is over as alvy as my cousin i should get to see it what difference does it make by the way he's my cousin too it wouldn't be here at all if not from my protocol as legitimate importer of rare I should see it first. I'm partial. Let me be the first. Let me see it. I'm the handyman.
Is it all right? No. Now we'll never know if it had any scooch marks. Well, now what do we do? Just... Put the kettle on. That was Put the Cattle On, featuring Joe Abansick as Merkle. Tom Gallagher has The Delivery Boy and Roswell the Butler. Carol Seymour has F. Flaxington Parker. Yours truly, Nick Palomo, has Bertie and your announcer. Script music... and Mrs. Ellen Thackeray by Mr. David Grazy. Put the Cat Lung was recorded by Mickey Cushing at Mystery Street Recording in Chicago.
Don't forget to brighten your tea time with a delicious cup of royal mint tea. Good night. And that's this week's show. Be sure to check out the show notes for more access to Carol and David's works and those of the Northside Southside radio players. The tortoise sounds like it's still not very healthy.
I think we should try to backtrack to the mutual building and create a connecting thread there. We may need to make smaller stops until the old girl is up to full steam. It's coming up upon Christmas, too, of all things. Of course. Well... Until the 1st of December, I'm David Ault, and he's Jack Ward. Have a lovely week, folks. See you then, we hope.
in the nice little Canadian town of Beavermount, Ontario. One day is pretty much like the next. In the shade of her 99-year-old maple tree, Miss Wagstaff tends to her award-winning trilliums. waving to any passers-by. Down at the donut shop, last night's hockey game at Rogers-Shaftsbury Municipal Arena is debated and dissected in comprehensive detail. And every single day,
In the nice little Canadian town of Beavermount, Ontario, someone gets brutally murdered. Tattoo Productions presents Sorry About the Murder. A very Canadian murder mystery. Anybody in there? Coming soon, wherever you get your podcasts.