Mutual Presents: Friday Follies- Adventures with Maisie #6.9

It's the Sunday Showcase on the Mutual Audio Network. The following audio drama is rated G for general audiences. Hey there, one and all. Jack Ward here. Penny and I are walking the boardwalk in sunny Halifax as we bring you this week's Mutual Presents in honor of the Mutual Broadcasting System's great features of old-time radio.

This week we're back with the adventures of Maisie. Our favorite bottled blonde brings in the sonic summer with Maisie saves the orphanage and Maisie the deserted wife. So let's wind back those clocks and get ready to laugh. Hiya, babe. Say, how about... Ouch! Does that answer your question, Bobby? The Adventures of Macy, starring Ann Southern. Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer's famous Maisie pictures.

In just a moment, you'll hear Maisie in radio, starring the same glamorous star you all went to see and loved on the screen, Ann Southern. But first, your announcer.

and southern as Maisie. Yep, I'm Maisie, like the fellow just said, Maisie Revere. Just a gal who don't go around looking for trouble. If trouble wants me, it can come and find me. But the trouble is, it always does. Like today, for instance, I'd answered an ad to work as a governess for some rich family and quit after one day. The reason? Backward child and forward father.

I was traveling back home to Brooklyn and stopped under a tree to rest my weary thumb. When across the road, I spied a bunch of kids from the local orphanage peering up wistily at a billboard, advertising the cops and robbers picture playing in town. All I had to my name was a couple of bucks, and I hadn't eaten in so long. My stomach was sending poison pen letters to my brain. But, well, what chance does a stomach have against a cop's and robber's picture? Well, all right.

Oh, now, Major Revere wants to make a speech. Oh, gosh, Miss Revere. Well, it'll only be a small speech, Donnie. I've got to get finished before the prices change. Now, look, kids, I promised the matron at the orphanage that you'll be back in time for dinner. So you'll only have time to see the picture three times. Oh, well, okay, okay, three and a half times. But you younger kids will have to take a nap during the newsreel. Now, kids, listen.

I have only enough money for myself and 12 half-price tickets. So remember, if the cashier wants to know your age, you're only 11. Yes, Miss Revere. Got you, Miss Revere. Yes, Miss Revere. Oh. You'd better say you're 11 and a half. You will never be able to get me into the theater for half price, Maisie. I'm 15 and I shave. Yeah, too bad you didn't this morning.

Well, look, Teddy, you'd better get under my coat. And when I buy the tickets, follow me into the theater. You can't do that, Maisie. I'm back here, remember?

Oh, yeah, Bobby. Well, quiet, everybody. We're next in line. Next? How many, please? Um, one adult ticket and 12 children, please. 12 children? That's right. Who are you, the father? No, silly. He's one of the children. Oh, just a mere tot, huh? Yeah. I'm 11 and a half. 11 and a half? Why, he's over six feet tall. I know. He eats vitamins. And he needs a shave. He drinks hair tonic, too.

He does? At the orphanage, they feed those kids anything. You see, he's an orphan. Okay, okay. That's one adult ticket, miss, and... Twelve half-price tickets. Okay. That'll be four dollars. Oh. Well, but all I've got is three and a half. We all want to see the picture. I'm sorry, miss. Next, please. Well, okay. Okay, just let the kids in.

I've got to be traveling back home while I'm still lighting up to see my thumb anyway. Gosh, Maisie, you ain't going to miss a cops and robbers picture. Well, don't worry, honey. I'll see it in 10 or 20 years. Twelve kid tickets, please. Certainly, miss. That'll be six dollars. Six? Mm-hmm. While you were making up your mind, the prices changed. Oh, well, I'll complain to the management. Let me talk to the manager.

I'm the manager. No use talking to him. He hates kids. I should. I got aid of my own. I'm sorry, miss, but rules is rules. But kids is also kids, and these kids are orphans. They have no family. Hmm, should happen to me. I'm sorry, lady. Six bucks. It ain't my fault that the clock says two. Well, maybe your clock is fast. My clock is never fast. The lady says maybe it is, chum. And who are you? Oh, just the heavyweight champ of wrestling.

Well, as I was saying this, my clock is fast. Four dollars, please. Yay! Here's your money. Well, that was awful kind of you, Miss Derry. Oh, forget it, miss. I'm an orphan myself. You know, when I was born, that was lift on a doorstep. Golly! He's left on our doorstep. Say, you look familiar. What are you? Maybe he's a bottle of milk. No, a bottle of milk can't talk, and I'm...

Hey, look, John, if you get comical with me, I will smack you in the eye so hard that for the rest of your life, you'll see what a limp. No offense, man, pal, no offense. This way, kiddies, I'll get you some nice seats down front. And have a good time, kids. Sorry I don't have enough left to buy you all some popcorn. Oh, I'm going in there too, lady. I'll buy them kids popcorn. Oh, but that's ten cents a bag, and there are twelve of them.

Do you know how much 12 times 10 is? Well, yeah, sure. 12 times 10, that's 12. And maybe I better pay with a $5 bill just to make sure, huh? Yeah. You know, mister, you're a great guy. Oh, shucks, miss. I can afford it. I make a lot of dough in a wrestling racket. Oh. Then you're really a champion. The world's champ of Jersey City, miss.

Well, well, so long, champ, and thanks again for helping the kids. Anytime, lady, anytime. I feel awful bad about any kid which is born without a mother. And if there is something which I can do, I... I know, I know. Well, I got to hit the road again, chum. So long now. Hey, you've been swell to them kids too, lady. I'd like to shake your hand. My hand? Oh, jeez.

Bye, Miss, uh, Miss, uh... Just call me Lefty. So long, friend. Miss Revere? Miss Revere? Oh, what's the matter, Teddy? Didn't you like the picture? I couldn't let you leave without thanking you after... Well, you know. And wishing you all the luck in the world. Oh, you're sweet, Teddy. I could kiss you. Why not? You sure you're only 15?

Well, looks like a car coming this way. Now, you'll be a good boy. Maybe I'll see you again if I happen to be coming this way again. Maybe I'll be seeing you before you know it, Maisie. I'm leaving the orphanage next week when I'm 16 and then heading for New York. New York? Well, what you gonna do there? Get a job. Oh, just like that, huh? Any particular kind of job in mind, mister? Who cares? I can't stand this place anymore. I'm fed up.

Oh, well, I know how you feel, honey, but try to stick it out until you're 18. An orphanage ain't the yummiest place in the world, but it's your home. Not for long it won't be. The orphanage is closing soon. I overheard the head matron talking. Closing? Yep.

But they can't. What'll happen to all those kids? That's not important, is it? Well, it is to me. Too bad you ain't the president of the town charity committee instead of old Professor Pearson. Professor Pearson? Well, who is he, a schmo? Schmo? Yeah, that's a jerk with a Ph.D. What's the matter? No money in the charity fund? Just enough to keep the orphanage running a couple of months. Oh, well, certainly they can raise funds to keep the orphanage open. They are. Raising funds, I mean.

Tonight, the town's sponsoring a wrestling bout for charity between Moose Kobelski and Lovely Louie. Admission five bucks a head. Oh, well, they should coin a fortune. Yeah, only the money ain't going to us. Professor Pearson is a man of letters. Right now he's at the meeting of the Charities Association in the town hall laying down the law about what literature to buy with the proceeds of tonight's bout. Oh, he is, huh? Yeah. Well, I'm going to be at that meeting, Teddy. Pull my suitcase.

You can't. That orphanage is going to stay open, Teddy. I'll see to that. But you can't sway Professor Pierce and Maisie. He makes the rules here, and he's a person of few words. Well, I'm a person of few words, too, chum. But the few I've got are... Buttes. The Adventures of Maisie, starring Ann Southern, will continue in just a moment.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, that we have been assured by our committee in charge of arrangements... that tonight's wrestling bout for dear, dear charity is a complete sellout, the next matter we have to decide is how to expend the monies. Are there any suggestions? Yes, I think... Charles? Sorry, Father, but...

I just had a thought. Beginner's luck. Professor Pearson, what do you think we should do with the money? Well, I think... All those in favor say aye. Please, Charles. Father, you said to put it up to a fast... Yes, but not till I make my suggestion. Other members of the committee may have ideas, too. They wouldn't dare, Pop. Everybody knows who runs this town. I object. Hey, it's true, isn't it? Yeah, that's why I object.

And who are you, miss? I am Maisie Revere, handsome. The handsome? Yeah, and hand some of that money to the orphanage. I say, that's a good one. Charles? I really don't get it, Father. You don't deserve it, but those poor kids at the orphanage do. Friends, insofar as we have decided, at my insistence, now I mean suggestion, that the education of our younger element has been somewhat neglected of late. I believe the only wise course to take...

is to use the entire proceeds of tonight's wrestling bout to purchase more books for our library. A misrevere. If you are not in favor of my suggestion, you don't have to hiss. You might raise your hand and offer a counter-suggestion. Now, have you won? I have. I think the dough should go towards keeping the orphanage going and give those poor kids a chance to grow up until they're old enough to take care of themselves. Uh, yes. Ladies and gentlemen.

You have heard the suggestion of this young, unknown lady who has come here uninvited and stuck her nose into an affair that is no business of her. Well... in favor of this meddling and extremely flashy young lady suggestion it please say I I think it's crazy Anything else to say, miss? Plenty. Those kids are helpless and they need a break. They need a break. We've given them more than the dear little things deserve. After all, culture is of primary importance.

We have to feed people's minds. Well, what's more important, people's minds or kids' stomachs? Excuse me. Hello?

Professor Pearson speaking. Hello, Professor. This here is lovely Louie's manager. Louie can't wrestle Moose Kopelsky tonight. But he has to. It's for a worthy cause. And the stadium is all sold out. Professor, I indeed grieve like anything, but I am afeard that yous will have to get yourself another bum to wrestle Moose. Louie has been talking with laryngitis. Oh, but he has to wrestle. He just has to. Laryngitis or no laryngitis. Professor, he...

Can't wrestle without a voice. Why the poor guy can't even grunt or groan above a whisper. And you know yelling like he's being murdered is what made Louie the box office draw, which he is. This'll have to cancel about, Professor. I'm sorry. Anything wrong, Professor? Everything. I've just been talking to the most despicable person in the world. You mean Mom? This one is a man. Tonight's bout is canceled. Oh, you mean...

We'll have to return the money to the people that bought tickets. Gee, I'm sorry, Pop. Now you won't be able to sell the town those old books you've been wanting to get rid of. Yes, I know. Charles, please be quiet. Oh, I'm desperate. Um... How desperate, Professor? Just what do you mean, Miss Revere? Well, just suppose. Suppose I came up with a wrestler famous enough to take on Moose Kowalski tonight. You, uh...

You know of such a person, Miss Revere? I met him this morning at the picture show. He loves kids, especially orphans. Well, Miss Revere. If you could secure the services of such a person, I personally can guarantee that a percentage of the proceeds from tonight's bout would go towards maintaining the orphanage. How much of a percentage? How much? Ten percent, roughly. Well, how much smoothened out? Smoothened out.

Very well, 20%. This wrestler loves children a great deal. He does? Mm-hmm. How much? 90%. Oh, he does love them a great deal, doesn't he? Very well, Miss Revere. Ninety percent goes to the orphanage, with the proviso that you live up to your end of the bargain. Oh, you just made yourself a deal, Professor. Oh, that'll be 50 cents in advance, please. 50 cents? What for? The movies. I gotta get in to get my man out.

Hey, Maisie, what's the idea of dragging me out of the picture show and taking me down here? Well, this is your chance. Now swallow your popcorn and sit down. Professor Pearson told me to bring you right here to his office. You like kids, don't you? Yeah, but I like movies, too. You know, especially the ones with some good guys and bad guys. You like in wrestling bouts. Well, you sure struggled when I yanked you out of that theater. How many times did you see the picture, anyway? Four times.

Yeah, like you said, you sure like movies. Well, I had to see it four times. I couldn't remember where I came in. Hey, what's this here all about, pray tell? Well, it's your chance to do a good turn for those orphans. You still haven't lost your appetite for homeless kids, have you? Oh, no, no. Kids are terrific, especially orphans. You know, when I get married, I'm going to raise all my kids to be orphans? No. Oh, back so soon, Miss Revere. Is this the, uh...

Gentlemen. Uh-huh. Champ, this is your chance to make good your promise. Will you wrestle tonight so those orphans can live and grow up and have a home while they're doing it? Well, sure, certainly I will. Oh, I'll wrestle anybody. I'll just grab them like this and I'll give them a hammer like this. Well, sure chance, sure. Now, we're going to need to sign papers, so put the professor down for a minute. Yes, please do. Now, here's the deal, champ.

Tonight we want you to fight Moose Kobelski. Yeah, sure, sure. I'll grab him like this and then I'll take him... Hey, wait a minute. I can't wrestle Moose Kobelski. Why not? Well, you're not scared, are you? Nope. Well, then why can't you wrestle him? Because I'm Moose Kobelski. Oh, fine.

Hi, Miss Revere. Hi, Teddy. Well, what are you doing way down here at this end of town? I'm just hiding, Teddy. Yeah, but I thought you were going to see Professor Pearson. I did. That's why I'm hiding. Oh, you... Didn't straighten things out, huh? No. But if the professor finds me, I'll be the one that's straightened out permanently. I'm sorry, Maisie. Anything I can do? Sure. How'd you like to wrestle?

Please, Miss Rivera, I hardly know you well enough for that. Oh, skip it, kid. I'm sorry I messed up everything, and I'm afraid I may be seeing you in New York after all.

Well, gosh, that's swell. Oh, and I'll even have the fare to get there, too, if I keep on getting odd jobs like the one I'm on my way to now. Can you imagine getting paid to tear down a spike fence? Huh? Well, here's the ad in the paper. Read it. Oh, wanted. Able-bodied young man to remove six-foot spite fence by two ladies with extra broad beams. Hmm. Who says the type of these things, anyway? You see, the fence belongs to Miss Carson and Mrs. Johnson. They used to fight like cats and dogs.

But now they want to bury the hatchet. I hope they bury it where Professor Pearson can't find it. Say, Teddy, these two ladies, what do they look like? If it wasn't for the makeup... You could take them for wrestlers. Teddy, my boy, you just moved back to that orphanage for keeps. I said something? Yeah, a great big wonderful mouthful. Now look, you run down to Professor Pearson's and tell him not to return the money for the bout tonight.

You mean there's going to be one after all? Uh-huh. Between Hair Pullen Carson and Fingernails Johnson. Lady wrestlers? Well, the customers want their money's worth. Well, they're going to get it. It's going to be wrestling between two women, one fall, scratch a scratch camp. Yeah, but Mrs. Carson and Mrs. Johnson, they won't want to fight each other. They like each other now. Ah, they won't when little Maisie gets through with them. Boy, get going now. Little me has a bit of dirty work to do.

Yeah, miss. Hello. Are you Mrs. Carson? Yeah, I am. Oh. Well, I'm here to see if you wanted to sell the lumber from that spike fence you advertised you wanted torn down. I already talked to your neighbor, Mrs. Johnson, about it. Oh, did you? And what did the sweet...

Wonderful, darling, I have to say. Well, she said she could use the money for a worthy car. Oh, I'm sure she can. Oh, a sweet girl. Yeah, she wants to buy some more lumber and put up a higher fence so she doesn't have to look into that swap. kitchen of yours. Well, anything my wonderful neighbor says is all right with the... That sloppy thing dared to call my sloppy kitchen sloppy? Yep. She said it wasn't fit for pigs. That's a lie.

You mean it is fit for pigs? I mean, I ought to jam them buck teeth down her throat so far she'd have to chew her food twice. Ah, and she deserves it, too, if you ask me. For saying that you were bow-legged. That liver... Ripped horse face said I had bow legs? Mm-hmm. She said you were so bow-legged, when you went to sleep, you had to get out of bed to turn over. Oh, she did, huh? Well, I'd like to get my hands on that animated floor mop.

Oh, well, she said the same thing about you. She dared you to meet her tonight in the ring at the town stadium. Well, I'll be there. Don't you worry. And I'll push her head so far down into her body she'll have to wear open-toed shoes to breathe. Thank you. Oh, yes, miss. What can I do for you? Well, I had to do it. It's about that spike fence advertised in the paper. I can use some lumber, and Mrs. Carson said I should talk to Mrs. Johnson about it. Oh.

You mean that adorable, sweet, gentle neighbor of mine asked you to discuss Price with me? You? Oh, but you couldn't be Mrs. Johnson. Mrs. Carson said you had no taste in clothes. Oh, that dear girl, she all... That slob said I don't know how to dress. Yeah, she said you were so fat. When you put on a strapless evening gown, you looked like you were taking a bath in a rain barrel.

Imagine that mountain of lard knocking my shade. Yes, and she said if it wasn't for your Adam's apple, you'd have no shape at all. That... Does it? I'm going right next door and let that walking beef trust have it right on the chin. Oh, well, Mrs. Carson's in home. She went to the stadium. They're having a big wrestling bout there.

I hope. Oh, she did, huh? Oh, how I'd love to wrestle that two-faced mongoose myself. Oh, it's a funny thing. She said she'd love to wrestle you, too. Said she's just that. Oh, she did, huh? Oh, if I didn't have to get my old man's dinner, I'd meet her in that ring. Well, she also said she couldn't see how any man could marry a woman with a face like yours. What? She said with that kind of... the face you'd never die you just ugly away oh

That settles it. Wrestle me in the ring. That's fine with me. Just wait till I get in that ring with her. I'll tear her into so many little pieces, they'll have to pick her up afterwards with a pair of tweezers.

The crowd is yelling so loud here at the stadium, I just can't hear a word that you're saying. Where are you, anyway? Well, I'm talking from a phone booth at a gas station. You are? At a phone booth. Oh. Are the customers satisfied? with the bout, Professor? Satisfied? Why, they're absolutely wild with excitement. Those two women are just a pile of arms and legs out there in the ring. Gosh, that bloodthirsty. But can't the referee make them...

fight like ladies? The referee? Who do you think's at the bottom of the pile? Oh, you certainly earned that 90% for the office, Miss Revere. And you make sure they get it, Professor. Well, goodbye now. Don't go, Miss Revere. Why not come down to the stadium and witness the bounce? Oh, no thanks, Professor. Those two female butchers may compare notes and then there'll really be a brawl. Oh, oh, I... Can't stand seeing blood spilled. You ain't kidding, Professor. Especially if it's my blood.

In just a moment, we shall return to the Adventures of Maisie.

reports that bout was out of this world. And if I hung around, I'd probably be too. I was a little ashamed of myself for using the nasty kind of trickery to get those two women steamed up. But it's easier for adults to take a beating than poor defenseless orphans. Maybe we'd all be better off if we'd look into our hearts once in a while instead of our pocketbooks. Uh-oh. Here come the two lady wrestlers.

And from the looks in their faces, they've compared notes, and they're going to forget that they're ladies. Well, get going, feet. This is no time to just stand there and let the rest of me get murdered. You have just heard The Adventures of Maisie, starring Ann Southern.

was written by Arthur Phillips. Original music was composed and conducted by Harry Zimmerman. Supporting cast included Frank Nelson, Elvia Allman, Joan Banks, Peter Leeds, Sheldon Leonard, Bob Cole, Tommy Bernard, Jeffrey Silver, and Johnny McGovern. Jack McCoy speaking. say, how about a... Does that answer your question, buddy? The Adventures of Macy, starring Ann Southern.

You all remember Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer's famous Maisie pictures. In just a moment, you'll hear Maisie in radio, starring the same glamorous star you all went to see and loved on the screen and Southern. But first, your announcer.

Maisie. Here by Maisie, like the fella said. Maisie Revere from Brooklyn. At present, I'm working in a coast fishing town as a taxi dancer in a diamond struggle joint. Being a taxi dancer is tough work. You're on your feet half the night and the customers are on them the other half. And working nights like we girls do, we never have no time to read smart books and grab us a little culture.

That's why we taxi dancers decided to form a book reading club since we were all thirsting after knowledge. I was elected president and treasurer since I was the thirstiest. Besides, I thought up the idea. This afternoon is our weekly meeting in the dance hall, which the owner kindly allowed us to use after we threatened to walk out on him. Oh, you'll pardon me now. I've got to call the meeting to order. Lady... Come to water, please. Come to water, please, ladies. Ladies.

Ladies, I hereby call to order this meeting of the Hot Chub Dance Palace Girls Book Reading and Culture of All Kinds Club. Will the secretary please read the minutes of the previous meeting? Ruby. Stop soaking your feet in that basin and read the minutes. Oh, yes, Maisie. I mean, President. The last meeting of our club was called for 2 o'clock sharp, and at 4.30, everybody was here.

Except Bubbles Riley, who had a slight disagreement with her boyfriend and had to be taken to the hospital. Mm-hmm. And ladies, I am glad to report that we sent one of our books to Bubbles in the hospital. And she read it from cover to cover. Oh. Which is quite hard to... to do using only one I. Yes. You may continue, Ruby. We decided we should have a guest speaker at our next meeting, and we all agreed that the guest speaker should be District Attorney Newberry.

because he's the only one we could get to come. District Attorney Newberry. Thank you. Ladies, I'm honored to have been asked to address this. Oh, well, not yet, Mr. Newberry. First, I've got to give the report on the book. Well, Mr. President, I'm a very busy man. Oh, sit down already. Sit down, sit down. Come on, Maisie, how was the book? Was it, um, you know? Girls, if you read that book, it would shock you. You promise, Maisie? Oh, I mean, oh, heaven.

And it should absolutely not be bought by our club. Ladies, that book is everything the report said it was. Are you sure, Maisie? Well, sure, I'm sure. I read it three times. Would you believe it? On the... Very first page. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Miss Revere, please, are you forgetting that I'm here? Oh, sorry, Mr. Newberry. Girls, I'll tell you all about it when there's no men present.

No, no. I mean, I've got work to do downtown. My speech, remember? Oh, yes. Ladies, since we should all know what's going on in this town, because being civic-minded is cultural like anything. I have invited for our guest speaker none other than the district attorney of our fair city, Mr. George Newberry, who will tell us some things that we should know while we're waiting for the refreshments. Mr. George Newberry.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Ladies, I don't want to waste much of your time. Oh, waste as much of it as you like, Mr. Newberry. Nobody's leaving until the coffee and sandwiches. That's nice. Ladies, I... Shirley! whisper while our speaker is talking that it's very lousy manners. Yes, lousy. Ladies, I... I'm sorry, Maisie, Your Honor, but I was just telling Flossie here the scandal about...

Dixie Leroux. Ladies, I should like to discuss the topic of crime in our fair city. What scandal about Dixie? It's all of all his crime. I think that all offenders who have ever been convicted of a crime... Ain't you hurt, baby? Running around with that married fellow. Every offender who has been convicted... You mean Nick Norton, Shirley, that they're masseurs? Every convicted criminal of a crime, no matter...

Sir, he always rubbed me the wrong way. Say, Cheryl, what does his wife say? Well, I know I shouldn't say that, but... Miss Revere, Miss Revere, do you want to listen to what I have to say, or would you rather hear a lot of gossip? Oh, do you know any, Mr. Newberry? You know, ladies, the convict in our city is a menace. They have stolen from our honor city, and I collected all the dues. Yeah, I mean...

Many of the criminals were released from prison, and we made the mistake of accepting... Oh, gosh, Ruby, it's almost 3 o'clock. I'll have to rush home and get the rest of the club's money. We made the mistake of accepting them... And then hurry down to the bank before it closes. Meeting adjourned! for addressing our club, Mr. Newberry. 85, 90, 95 a dollar. Hmm. Everybody paid their dues this week. Phew. Nine bucks and 26 cents. Hmm. Not bad for only two months. Say, mister.

The dancing don't start till nine. And what's the idea of coming in the dressing room without knocking? All right, lady, this is a stick-up. Oh, that's no excuse. Us girls might have been getting dressed. A stick-up? Hand it over. Hand what over? You know. Well, how can I?

This is the first time I was ever sticked up. The money, babe. That stuff in your hand. Come on, give. Oh, but I can't give you this. It's the club's dues, and we need it to buy books. So do I, miss. What do you need to buy books? Can't you steal them? Now, look, lady, don't mix me up. I'm new in this racket. Now, come on, hand that over. Answer that, miss, but no tricks. Yes, Mr. Cook. Hello? Hello? Take the receiver off, though.

I was kind of surprised when I got no answer. Hello? Hello? This is me talking. Yes, carefully and gay. Hello, Ruby. and I'll scram. What? With just a measly nine bucks and 26 cents? Well, you ain't gonna get very far in the hold-up business, mister, if you're gonna work that cheap. Okay, okay. So I'm not ambitious.

Nine bucks will get me enough to eat for a couple of days. Yeah, but what about after that? Well, you'll be so weak from hunger by the end of the week, you won't even have strength enough to hold a gun. Now, I just have... I happen to have some money around here that I've been saving for an emergency like this. Oh, you've got more, huh? All right, hand it over. Oh, now you're using your head. Let's see now, where did I put that money? Um, it's not in the drawer. It's not behind the mirror.

On the top of the stocking and not in my shoe. Never mind, miss. I can't hang around here any longer. You've been 20 minutes trying to locate that dough. Well, don't be impatient, Mr. Crook. It must be around here somewhere. Now, where did I put it? Look. Miss, why don't you look for the dough in your bag, huh? Oh, I'm saving that for last. Here, give me that bag. Fine haul. Another 30 cents. Oh, you expected more, maybe.

I sure did. I thought there'd be at least 50 bucks in there. And don't you think you don't deserve that much. You put in a full 20 minutes on this hold-up. And during the day, too, when all the other crooks are sleeping. Measly 30 cents. Oh, and you expected 50 bucks. You got a pen, Mr. Crook? A pen? What for? Well, I'll write you a check for the difference.

How do you spell your name? Oh, it's Johnson. J-O-H-E-U. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. What am I doing? The cops. So long, lady. I'm sorry about taking your dough. Funny thing, though, I hope he don't get caught. He's really a nice fella. Wasn't he?

Sorry to have inconvenienced you, but I asked you here to my office to identify the prisoner. Well, gosh, Mr. Newberry, I can't stand looking at dead men. Do you mind if I look at him with my eyes closed? Miss Revere, the man who robbed you is not dead. He wasn't even wounded.

Bring in the prisoner, officer. Oh, gee, he's alive. I'm so glad. Okay, I'm here, D.A. Let's get this over with quick. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, Johnson. It misrevered this is the man who robbed you, Harry Johnson. Oh, how do you do, Mr. Johnson? I'm glad you're not dead. When you're an ex-con lady in this state, you're always dead. Well, go ahead. Identify me, miss. They're getting a cell ready for me anyway.

Gee, I'm sorry, Mr. Johnson. If you really needed money bad, our club, we do charity. Ah, then this is the man. Well, good. That'll be all, Miss Revere. The trial will be next Thursday. And, Miss Revere, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. What heart? All right, never mind the wisecracks, Johnson. I'll be back in a moment. Gee, I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Johnson. Can I do anything to help when you're in jail?

Maybe bake a cake for your birthday and put a file in it. Oh, what's the use, miss? Once a crook, always a crook. But you didn't have to go back to being a crook. There are other jobs in the world. Lady, I'm a crook. So happens that very few people are hiring ex-cons this year. It isn't fashionable anymore. Well, you mean if somebody gave you a job working days? I mean, you'd take it? Oh, just try me, lady. I mean, after the court tries me.

You'll pardon a small joke. When you get through testifying against me, I'll have a steady job, all right? Making little ones out of big ones. Oh, but if I didn't... If I don't testify... Yeah, think, girly, think. Little girls who tell lies don't go to heaven when they die. Oh, Mr. Johnson, I'm not going to heaven. What do you mean? I ain't saying, but where I'm going, even John L. Lewis can't pull out the coal miners.

The Adventures of Maisie, starring Ann Southern, will continue in just a moment.

to bring my star witness against the prisoner Harry Johnson to the stand. Will Miss Maisie Revere please come forward? Coming, mister. Hold my gum, Ruby. Oh, sure, Maisie, but don't be a schmo and stick your neck out to save that ex-con. Well, I got to, Ruby. Well, so long. I'll be seeing you. Yeah, but only on Visitor's Day.

Gentlemen of the jury, please, remember you are in the court of... Sit right down here, Miss Revere. Thank you, Judge. Do you mind if I cross my leg? Well, please do, honey. I mean... You may start, Mr. District Attorney. Thank you. Miss Revere, do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth? Um...

Must I, Judgey Budgie? Well, Mish, if you're rather not... Certainly you must tell the truth. Miss Revere, if you don't tell the truth, you yourself can go to jail. Okay, don't holler. I got good ears. I'll say, and the rest of you ain't... Very well. Miss Revere, is it true that just one week ago you were robbed...

and threatened with a gun by a man who was desperate enough to kill? I object. The prisoner can't object. He can so too, can't he, Judgey Budgie? Well, according to the law... I'm not doing anything tonight, Judgey. Objection sustained. There. Just because I don't have a lawyer. If the prisoner does not refrain from showing his contempt for this court, you shall have to leave. Gladly. So long, Judge. So long, Maisie. Goodbye, Mr. Johnson. Take care of yourself. Yes, sir.

Sit down, Johnson. You can't leave. You're the prisoner. Yes. Now, Miss Revere, on the night mentioned, you were robbed of a certain sum of money. Look around, Miss Revere. Do you recognize the man that did it? What man? I don't have very good eyesight, you know. That man sitting by the table. What table? The one at the far end of the room. What room? Your Honor, if this woman can't see, how can she identify it? So do I. It ain't nice.

manners to interrupt a person when he's speaking. Is it, Judge? Why, no. Emily Post said, Miss Revere, this is a court of law. And the judge doesn't know or care about manners. That's right. I what? Yes, Miss Revere. And I object to you wasting the court's time. All I want you to do is to identify the prisoner. What prisoner? Let's not go through that again. Hey, Johnson, come right up here to the witness stand. Now, Miss Revere, did you ever see this man before?

Yes. Good. Now think. When did you see him before? Just a second ago. He was sitting over there. I object. Wait a minute. What are you objecting to? How do I know? I ain't a lawyer. Your Honor, I object to these obvious attempts to... Yes, Mr. Newberry, continue with your questioning and let us try our darndest to continue. Oh, let's get on with the case. I got a date this afternoon.

I'll bet you $9.26. Ah, that's chicken peas. Maybe so, but that's all the money he stole. I mean, uh, uh, what was your question, Mr. B.A.? Mystery beer. Upon your testimony and your testimony alone depends the conviction or release of the prisoner. Now, Miss Revere, look at the prisoner. I am. He's got such an honest face.

Thank you, Miss. Miss Revere, is this man guilty or not guilty? Oh, that's a silly thing to ask. Silly, my dear? Well, how can I tell if he's guilty or not until I've heard the evidence? Well, that's right, Newberry. How can she know it is? Miss Revere, this has gone far enough. That's what I say. Give me that gavel, Your Honor. Oh, sure. Here. Case dismissed. Court adjourned. Yeah, but the trial isn't over yet. Why not? You don't have any witnesses against me? That's right.

I'm the only one who knows he did it, and I don't even recognize him. She's got you there. Very well, Miss Vermeer. I'm sure I have no idea what caused you to refute what you told me, but the prisoner is free. Yeah. Now I can starve to death an honest man. Oh, don't worry, Harry. We'll find your job. You'd better, Miss Revere. This man is a paroled convict, and if he doesn't get work, he'll be back in prison sooner or later. Once a convict, always a convict.

That $9.26 can't last very long, you know. Oh, I don't know. I'm very thrifty. See, I knew he had some good points. And, Miss Revere, when Johnson goes back to prison, he's going to crack about you. And you know what you'll get for perjury. Oh, Mr. District Attorney, do you think your threats scare me? Do you think anything you said has worried me even the tiniest little bit? Frankly, I don't. Silly boy.

Give us some kind of hint, Harry. There must be some kind of work you can do besides holding up people. Maybe farm work, huh? Hey, can you milk a cow? No. I wouldn't even know which faucet was for the cream and which was for the milk. Well, you could learn. I don't know. I'm too nervous for that kind of work. Oh, too bad. You do need a steady hand to squirt the milk into them bottles. Yeah, the openings are so small. Well, look, didn't you learn a trade or something in prison? No.

All I ever did there was walk. Up and down. Up and down. Oh, that's no good. We got enough pickets now. Say, here's an ad in the paper. Wanted, experienced, English-type butler. Steady employment for the right man. Salary no object. Apply, Mrs. Pruitt. Steady, huh? Harry, you ever buttled? Well, sort of, in jail.

Every day at 5 o'clock, I used to serve afternoon bread and water. Well, get your hat, Harry. We're going down to Mrs. Pruitt's and sew up that butler's job. Are you kidding? Nobody hires ex-cons. Well, Mrs. Pruitt don't know you did time, Harry. And she'll never be able to tell.

You could act like an English butler, can't you? Oh, definitely, madam. Don't you, Snow? Shall we be off to Mrs. Pruitt? Yeah, yeah, let's go. No, Harry, don't put your hand on my shoulder when we walk. Mrs. Pruitt must know you were in jail. Say, Maisie, how about references? Harry will have to have worked for real classy people to get that job. Yeah, she'll want written references. Yeah, and he's going to get them. Signed by Mrs. Astor, Mrs. Vanderbilt, and Mrs. Cabot. That's nice.

Why not get one signed by Countess Pignatelli? Oh, don't be silly, Harry. I can't spell Pignatelli. Ruby, pen and paper, please.

Letters of reference are very flattering, Johnson. Very flattering. Thank you, Mrs. Pruitt. But the stationery that Mrs. Vanderbilt used, does she usually write her letters of recommendation on the... Back of a paper bag? Oh, that's all we could find. What? Oh, well, she means all Mrs. Vanderbilt could find was fault with Johnson. That's why we insisted that he leave her employed. Oh, quite, Mrs. Pruitt. And I always listen to the advice of my agent. Remarkable, remarkable.

I never knew that butlers have agents handling their affairs. Well, only butlers who have worked for such fine families, Mrs. Pruitt. Johnson here has worked three years at the Vanderbilts, two years at the Cabin. Five years at Dannemora. Dannemora? Oh, yes. Yes, certainly you've heard of the very exclusive Mora family. Well, Johnson here worked for the eldest son, Danny Mora. Oh, really? Five years at one place. That's quite a record, Johnson. It is.

Haven't I? Well, Johnson, I must be very careful whom I employ. You see, I have some very valuable jewelry in my home. Oh, well, Johnson's very honest, Mrs. Pruitt. He never stole any jewelry in his life. And all I ask is a chance. To make good, I mean. Well, Johnson, I'm expecting guests for dinner, and I shall give you a trial. If you live up to your references, I shall hire you on a permanent basis. Oh, well, swell. And, Johnson, for dinner tonight, I should like to use my best service.

Do you think you can find the silverware? Oh, it's a cinch, baby. I mean, madam. Yeah, no matter where you hide it, Johnson will find it. And just to make sure that everything goes all right, Mrs. Pruitt, I'll stay for dinner. Stay for dinner? Oh, Miss Revere, I should like to ask you... I don't know, Mrs. Pruitt. What are you going to have?

Butch, how did you know I was working here? Oh, we always make an effort to see how the members of our mob are coming along. Since you've been in Star Harry, we put in a research department. Now look. Look, Butch, I'm going straight. I'm through with you and the mob. Oh, it's too bad you feel that way about our happy little group, Harry. Because the fellas ain't through with you. We like you, Harry. Hey, Harry, don't stop it.

Keep polishing that silverware. We hate to swipe, tarnish stuff. I'm not swiping anything. You don't have to, Harry. I'll ring the boys to bring around the truck and relieve you of all the physical labor it has. You can't do it, Butch. Mrs. Pruitt, trust me. Oh, that's just super, Harry. There's so many guys around that people don't trust. It gives us crooks a bad name. See you later, Jeeps.

I'm afraid having you and your friend for dinner is out of the question. Why, you don't know any of my guests? Oh, well, that's all right, Mrs. Pruitt. Me and Ruby get acquainted real easy. Maybe. I just come from the kitchen. Well, that's nice, Ruby. What's cooking? Nothing. All the pots and pans are gone. Gone? Stolen. All the silverware, the jewelry, even the butler. Well, that's impossible. Well, yeah.

Who'd want to steal a butler? Oh, I guess the D.A. was right, Maisie. Once a crook, always a crook. Are you trying to tell me that dear boy Johnson is a thief? Why, Miss Revere, I... I thought you told me you were his agent. Yeah, but we'd just get 10% of his butler and jobs. We got no deal on the stuff he swipes. Well, well then, Mr. I believe this is a matter for the police. Exactly, Mrs. Brewer. And who are you?

Gosh, the D.A. And he's got Johnson with him. Dinner will be ready in a few moments, madam. Oh, well, you can't get out of this one, Harry. The only serving you're going to do ain't going to be in this house. It'll be in a much bigger one. Gosh, Harry, I'm ashamed of you. Losing us a good dinner. Couldn't you go straight? But he did go straight.

Rather than let his former partners in crime ransack Mrs. Pruitt's home, he beat them to it and delivered all the swag and the members of the gang to my office. I knew it. I knew it. Oh, that does make a difference. Johnson. You may consider yourself hired. And you get $50 a week. Yes, madam. Will that be all? Well, ain't $50 enough. You know, Maisie, I...

For all you've done. Is there anything I can possibly do to show my gratitude? Well, yes, there is, Harry. After you get your first week's salary, will you pay back the nine bucks and 36 cents you swipe for me? In just a moment, we shall return to The Adventures of Maisie.

Johnson made it the hard way. A man with a past became a man with a future. Of course, Mrs. Pruitt wants Harry Johnson, when he makes like a butler, always to serve from the left and remove the dishes from the right. But I always... It's better to work for a boss that's superstitious than for nobody at all. Yep, for a while there, my little white lie made things look mighty black. But the way I look at it is always a way to make a good guy out of a bad guy.

Well, I gotta get back to the dance hall for my evening's wrestling bout with music. Gosh, if they ever gave any awards for active service in the taxi dancing racket, my feet'd get the Purple Heart. You've just heard The Adventures of Macy, starring Ann Southern. Maisie was written by Arthur Phillips. Original music was composed and conducted by Harry Zimmerman. Supporting cast included Elvia Allman, Gerald Moore, Lorene Tuttle, Peter Leeds, and Frank Nelson. Jack McCoy speaking. The End

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