Sunday Showcase, highlighting some of the best audio storytelling found anywhere. All right here on the Mutual Audio Network. The following audio drama is rated G for general audiences. Hello and welcome everyone as Penny and I take a lovely walk in the park.
on this beautiful May Day. It's Mutual Presents Season 6, Episode 2, and we're back with everyone's favorite bottle blonde. Adventures with Maisie is a classic comedy from the Mutual Broadcasting System. Before father to our Mutual Audio Network, And Maisie is back with her hijinks with Fontaine's phony talent scout racket and Maisie, the financial counselor. So, let's all listen along. I am, babe. Say, how am I? How? Does that answer your question, buddy?
The Adventures of Macy, starring Ann Sutherland. You all remember Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer's famous mazy picture. In just a moment, you'll hear Maisie in radio. Starring the same glamorous star you all went to see and loved on the screen, Ann Southern. But first, your announcer. And now here's Ann Southern as amazing.
Yeah, fine Maisie, like the fella said, Maisie Revere. In show business, jobs are very seldom. So to keep my stomach from seceding from the rest of me, I became what you call a jack-of-all-trades. I'd go into any trade that had any jack in it. Legitimate only, of course. The jobs I've taken to keep the wolf from the door, believe me, I could write a book. I'll never forget the time I was working as a...
It was in one of those hillbilly states where if anybody wore shoes, you knew right away he was a tourist. I'll never forget one farmhouse on my beat. Delapidated. It looked like the house was made of driftwood and some of the wood was still drifting. Hola! Open the door and I'll tell ya! I mean, you! I've come to take the stand-
Go away. We ain't got none. Look, Zeke, I'm too tired for humor saying. Open up. I come from the capital of the United States. You mean Washington, D.C.? I don't mean Richmond, Virginia. Good day, mister. I'd like to ask you some questions. Questions? Yeah. The government wants to know how many people there are in this country.
Well, tell them to ask somebody else. I don't even know how many people are in this here town. Oh, well, you don't understand, mister. Every 20 years, the government sends around census takers from house to house to see who was born. How about you? Oh, heck, you can put me down, miss. I was born. Congratulations. Now what's your name? Jed Hawkins. What do you do for a living, Mr. Hawkins? Well, oh, well, you might share, manage your laundry. Oh, well, what's the name of the laundry?
Mrs. Hawkins. Well, that's nice work if you can get it. How many children do you have, Mr. Hawkins? Children? Oh, let's see now. There's Emmy, Sherry, Luke. Bessie, Sam, Mort, Lucy. Mr. Hawkins, I just want the number. Fred. Well, maybe I'd better ask your wife about the family. Oh, uh, right smart idea, Mish. Oh, Ma can give you the exact number of our kids. Got a mighty fine head for figures, that gal. Come from the city.
Yeah, more is all the milk in the cow. Well, good. Where will I find her? Oh, that's a silly question. Cow only gives milk from one place. Jay, what do you know? I just cracked a joke. Well, crack it again. It's still wiggling. I'll go find Ma. You just relax, Jed. You must be tired. Tired? Yeah. You look like you've been breathing all day. Mrs. Hawkins? Mrs. Hawkins? Yep, we'll be there. I be here, Mrs. Hawkins, the census taker. Where are you? Right here in the barn, ma'am. Oh.
Oh, how do you do, Mrs. Hawkins? Yeah? I'm here to inquire about your family. Well, that's right, neighborly, ma'am. Right, neighborly. Well, shucks, ma'am. It ain't nothing at all. Tell me, Ms. Hawkins, how many young'uns you reckon you got now? Well, let's see now that, um, Emmy? Jerry, Lily-Bell, Bessie, Melba, and then the boys, there's Luke, Edgar, just the number, Mrs. Hawkins, not the variety. Oh, oh, I've had nine kids. Nine, huh?
Now, um, question number two. You own this farm? Nope, but we gonna own one, real snazzy one, too. Soon as Lily Bell gets herself famous as a picture star actress and not their Hollywood. Oh, you got a daughter in the movies, Mrs. Hawkins? Oh, not yet, ma'am, but it won't be long now, I reckon. Huh, Mom? Well, who's this, Mrs. Hawkins? One of your older boys. Shucks, no, ma'am. This here's Liddybelle. She's girl.
You sure? Oh, these year clothes I'm wearing is paused. I'm leaving my going-to-meeting clothes for when I leave for Hollywood. Mm-hmm. Lily Bell's the prettiest gal in these year parts, ma'am. Yeah. Yeah. Take off your boss hat, honey, and show the lady. Oh, sure, Ma. There. Hmm. You are pretty. I mean pretty. A little too pretty for Hollywood, honey. What you mean, ma'am? Well, Lily Bell, Hollywood's full of pretty hip guys.
You know what can happen to a pretty girl all alone there? Oh, shucks, yeah. Ain't it exciting? Lily Bell, I'm telling you again, when you get to Hollywood and them city fellas try to get too friendly-like, you'll remember what you learned at your mother's knee. Well, that's good advice, ma'am, but it ain't easy to remember what you learned at a mother's knee when you're on a man's lap.
Now, I'll get on with the census questions. What is your average income? You sure do seem to know all about Hollywood. You ever been there? Acted in pictures, maybe? Well, yeah, as an extra. Now, what is your average... A extra? What's a extra? Any actor or actress without enough money to go home. Now your average... You mean that some girls don't become stars in Hollywood? A few. Most of them were like me, had to make a living by working.
Well, I ain't so sure I want you to go to Hollywood. Well, now, you're very young and... And suppose you don't get to be a star real quick. You were all alone there, and me and your Pa didn't make very much money last year. Oh, and now we're getting someplace. How much didn't you and Pa make last year? Oh, shucks, Ma. You don't have to worry about me. Shucks, I'll be your star just as soon as they get my screen test in Hollywood. Please, your average... Screencast!
Everybody in these parts has been getting themselves all slicked up to have movie-tested themselves tooken. before that Hollywood talent scout leaves town. Mr. Fontaine, that's the director. Why, he says I got as much as Lana Turner and Betty Grable put together. Well, you have, honey, even though maybe it wasn't put together as good. I sure hope that Mr. Fontaine is right, Lily Bell. And that you get that picture contract he promised you right quick.
That there screen test you took cost me and your pa our lifetime savings a hundred dollars. He charged you a hundred bucks for a screen test? But that's ridiculous. Ain't it, though? He charged all the others in town two hundred, but I didn't have that much, so he took me for a hundred. Well, he certainly did. Mrs. Hawkins, do they have a sheriff in this town? Oh, sure do. Lamb Williams.
Why, ma'am, you gonna take his senses now? No, but I'm gonna tell him how all the people in this town have lost their senses. That Fontaine's a phony. Real movie scouts don't take money for ten. Are you sure? Oh, but Mr. Fontaine, he promised me I'd be a star. He says I got what it takes. Yeah, and then he takes what you got. Honey, I'm sorry, but it's better to find out the truth this way. That phony screen test gimmick is one of the oldest and dirtiest rackets ever dreamed of.
We was a countin' on Lily Bell bein' a starin' pitch as mighty quick like. That there hundred dollars was our feedin' seed money. I'm sorry, Ma, to all my fault for gettin' you into this. Well, maybe it's not too late to get your money back. That fountain in his outfit belong in jail, and I'm going to try and see if they get there. I've got to get to the sheriff before they smell a rash. You got a car, Mrs. Hawkins? Yep. That is over yonder. Hmm. I'm in a hurry. I'd better walk.
Yeah, ma'am, you were looking for somebody? Yeah, the sheriff. Well, I be him. Howdy. I be Major Revere. Sheriff, I just came to Mrs. Hawkins, and it's the dirtiest thing I've ever seen. Oh, now, now, ma'am. Miss Hawkins may be sloppy, but that's no call to get insulted. Well, you gotta do something about it before it's too late. Do something about what? Poor Mrs. Hawkins. She works hard all her life, develops rheumatism in her back, and now it's gone. The rheumatism? No, the money. What money?
Well, cows won't give milk if they don't get fed, will they? Well, I reckon not, ma'am. Well, you gotta do something about it. Yeah, do something. You got a gun? Well, yeah, ma'am, but when a cow won't give milk, he won't give milk and threaten him won't help. Hey, yeah. Goodbye, ma'am. You mean you're gonna go back to sleep and not do anything about it? About what, ma'am? What about Lily Bell? You gotta get her money back and all the others, too. I do. Bye. Why, yeah.
I happen to know that they're phonies. You do? Well, of course I do. Now, will you arrest them? Well, sure. Let's go. Oh, at last. Hey, wait, wait. Wait a minute. Who am I going to arrest? Fontaine and his mob. Oh, that there movie director from Hollywood. Yeah, so it's finally sinking in, huh? What's sinking in? Sheriff, how many times must I tell you? Just once, ma'am, just once. I catch on real fast.
Say, say, you know this here Fontaine? Yes, and he charged Lily Bell Hawkins a hundred dollars for a screen test. He did? Yes. Why, that's the dirtiest deal I ever heard of. I'm going over to Fontaine's place right now for a showdown. Attaboy, Sheriff. He can't go around taking advantage of Hollywood-struck schmoes like that. I'll say, that Fontaine charging Lily Bell a hundred bucks for a screen take.
It ain't right, that's what it just plumb ain't right. You plumb said it, Sheriff. Why, he charged me 200 for mine. Oh, fine. The Adventures of Maisie, starring Ann Southern, will continue in just a moment. And now back to Maisie. Stop the presses. I got a scoop for page one. Look, miss, I don't have to stop the presses. This is only a weekly newspaper, and this isn't the day we print.
Besides, we have our scoop for this issue. Oh, well, look, Mr. Editor, I'm not one of the local jerks. I'm from Washington. Oh? FBI? No, DC. I'm with the Department of Facts and Figures, and I've got an interesting fact to show you. And you've got an interesting figure, too. Um, what's on your mind, miss? Well, not the same that's on yours, chum. You ain't from these parts, are you? Oh, don't let the fag that I'm wearing shoes fool you, gal.
Spent all my life down here in these hills, except for four years at Yale, I learned to follow in my pappy's footsteps as editor of this yard paper. David Lawrence is the name, ma'am. Oh, well, mine's Maisie Revere. I was sent out here to Count Noses. Well, ma'am, we ain't no different than any other folk.
Each one of us got just one nose. Yeah, but some of you act like you got two heads and no brains in either one of them. Do you know that that director, Fontaine, is stealing hard-earned money from these movie-wacky folks? Yep. Well, why don't you do something about it? Like what, man? Well, like putting your paper that Fontaine is a crook. That he's a crook and that real honest-to-goodness talent scouts from Hollywood don't charge for screen time. Yeah.
Say, you do know about that racket, then, don't you? I should, ma'am. It cost me 400 bucks. Oh. You mean you took a screen test, too? No, my five-year-old daughter. When I came home last night, I found out I'd suddenly become the father of a female Butch Jenkins. Oh, jeepers. Your wife ought to take the brat over her knee and spank some sense into her. Come now, miss. Katherine Hepburn only uses child psychology on talks. Rarely she does. Oh, brother. Your wife got it too, huh? Or she...
But if you knew all the time, why didn't you tell your wife that Fontaine was a phony? I did. Well, what happened? I'm living at the Y now. Oh, bless you. And took Jenkins and Lassie with her. Lassie? Oh, everybody in my family has talent. Even our dog. But look, Mr. Lawrence, if you printed the truth in your paper... I'd be sued for libel. But Fontaine is a crook. He isn't as long as we can't prove it. Yeah, but we can prove it.
Yeah? How? Well, you know you can catch more flies with honey. What are you getting at, Maisie? Just call me honey. Please, I'm a married man. Practically. And if you want to get your wife and kid back for keeps, and the money too, this is your only chance before Fontaine milks the town dry and goes off to other green pastures. Sure, sure, but what's the gimmick? Well, it's the same.
I'm going to drop in on Fontaine and pretend that I'm just a local gal who yearns to be another Elizabeth Taylor. Oh. And get him to give you a screen test. Uh-huh. And this is where you come in. Look, you get hold of that sheriff and then get hold of a recording machine. When I take my screen... But I did not kill him, your honor. I didn't. I tell you. I didn't. I did not. Oh. Oh, that was terrific, Mr. Jenkins. Just terrific.
You know, when that test gets to Hollywood, you'll be the new dramatic find of the year. Gosh, you really liked it. You thought it was sad. Sad, Mr. Jenkins. It was miserable. Wasn't it, Harry? Oh, yes, Mr. Jenkins. You see, you got me crying. That'll be $200, please. But I thought the screen test was only 100. Oh, yeah, yeah, well, ordinarily, but in your test, we had film in the camera. Huh? He means technicolor film. You see, that's much, much more expensive. Oh, I suppose it is.
Well, here's the money, Mr. Fontaine. I had to sell my tractor together. Mr. Jenkins. Best investment you ever made. Oh, that's so right. You know, six months from now, you're going to be a big star. I will. Will your name build on theater marquees over the cooling system? Count the money, Harry. All in. Well, shall I leave my address? No, we have your number. Well, goodbye for now, Mr. Jenkins. This way out. I've got to get my name spelled right on the lights.
Well, Harry, we squeezed plenty out of the ogles in this town. Go on, pack up the equipment. We'll move on to the next part. Yeah, but boss, there's another pigeon waiting outside for a test. Oh, no. No more. We're taking chances hanging around this town so long. Somebody might get wise, you know, go send them away. This one's a girl. Yes, well, I think we've got time for just one more.
Send her in. This dials right off the store, Casanova. Kingdom dress, hair ribbons, and that wide-eyed look. Oh, that sounds like peachy fun. Yeah, send her in and get a load of real talent at work. Are you kidding? This dame ain't got no talent. No, but I have. Get her in here, boy. Okay, babe. I mean, miss. You're next. Yes, come in, miss. Hollywood is waiting for you. This is a terrific... Opportunity. Hello, master. Well, well, well. Come in, my pretty one.
And what might your name be? Maisie Belle. Poetry. Sheer poetry. Isn't that right, Harry? Maisie Belle what? Maisie Belle Kvatt. End of poetry. Yeah, well, that's a nice name, miss. Kvetch has a distinctive sound. Yeah, yeah, like the ripping of a rag. Of course, mister, when I'm getting to be one of them there picture stars, I'm going to change my name.
To something more Hollywood-y. Oh, that's very wise, my dear. That's very wise. What are you going to change it to? Greer Kvetch. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's much better. Much better. Baby, you come to the right place to become a star. That she did. Miss Kvetch, after you take our screen test, you'll be famous. Gosh. All over the country, on every theater marquee, you will have your name in lights. Jeepers.
Won't that take an awful lot of kerosene? No, just an awful lot of money. Money? You got some, ain't you? Well, it's... Like this, mister. Oh, I'm sorry, miss, but I don't think you'll do. You see, we're very finicky talent scouts, and we're looking for a certain type for our next picture.
Well, all I brought him with me is $500. That's what I said. You're just the type, isn't that right, Aaron? Oh, exactly, exactly, exactly. You're just what we've been waiting for, baby. You've got everything. Shall I set up the cameras, boys? Yes, yes, do. And a great talent, too. Let's see it, miss. Sure. And they'll be coming around the mountain when they come. No, no, no, that's not quite funny. No, no, no, not the talent, the money! The money. Oh.
You want it right now? Why, sure, babe. You want our deluxe screen test with film and the camera and everything, don't you? Yep. But I ain't giving you the dough. I mean, the money. I hear tell that some of you talent scouts ain't the real thing. You have. Yep. And I ain't a-givin' you the money till I- Oh, well, that's different, honey. Yep, I've been around, mister. And I wasn't born yesterday. Oh, sure, sure. But do you have the money on you? Yep. Where?
Okay, okay, I'll set up the cameras to take you. I mean, your test. Now, Miss Kvetsch, first we're going to shoot a romantic scene. Do you mind if I give you a few pointers? I allow you, mate. I just pretend that I'm the handsome leading man in the scene. Oh, shucks, mister. For that, I don't have to pretend. Do you mind if I just put my arm around you? Oh, you might. And is it all right if I...
I like this. Uh-uh. I allow, I allow too much already. Hey, come on, boss. Get to work. I am. I mean, I'll be right with you. Now, Miss Kvetch, while I set up the right camera angles with my assistant, Just read over the part for the test, huh? Read? You can read and write, can't you? Oh, sure. Well, you just study the part, and when I give the signal, give it everything.
This test means an awful lot, you know. You ain't just kidding, mister. Oh, good. I'll be ready for you in just a minute. I'll be right there, Harry. Maisie. Maisie. Where are you, Davey? Over here.
Not so loud, Davey. What we're doing is you're getting the law. Well, what these crooks are doing is against the law, too, Sheriff. And in a few minutes, I'm going to have the goods on them. So even you will believe the truth. Here, Missy. Plug this into the recording machine into the socket by the wall. Okay.
Ouch! Miss Fetch, what happened? Shucks, nothing, Mr. Fontaine. I was just reading that there love scene. But I just saw sparks coming out of your fingers. I know. Sure is a mighty hot love scene. Hurt yourself, Maisie? No. One of the wires in the plug was loose. Never did trust that there newfangled electricity. Give me the kerosene lamp any day. Now, Maisie, we're going to duck down out of here.
You're sure you can get the evidence that they're crooks? I'll get it. You just make sure that the recording machine keeps going. We're gonna get the kind of goods on these crooks that'll put them away for a long time. Ready for your part, miss? I'll be ready, mister. Okay. Lights. Camera. Action. Oh, Pierre, his majesty will never give his consent. If we were married, what lies in the road? Ahead? Miss Kretsch, that's what lies in the road ahead.
Keep going, Ms. Cratch. You're doing terrific. Thanks. After all, monster. That's for sure. Oh. After all, Messor... I am betrothed to his majesty, King Louis the XIII. Aye, aye, aye, aye. That's King Louis XIII. Continue. You're doing superb, superb. Oh. If I am caught, he will put my head on the gelatin, and then... Oh, that's wonderful, Ms. Quentin.
Do you know I've never come across an actress like you? Eh, Harry? Never. When this test gets to Hollywood, you know producers will be amazed. You'll be a star overnight. $500, please. You're kidding, champ. No, no, I, uh, risk that. Your accent. Hey, hey, she's a phony. Well, aren't we all, Bob? I don't know what you mean, miss. We're legitimate. Sure, sure, we all are. I wouldn't think of lousin' up this rack.
There's too many Hollywood happy jerks in this country that still ain't been plucked. Oh, now look, sister, we don't need any partners. We're doing okay without help. But you could do much better if you had a real actress like me. A lot of male schnooks would suddenly get a yen for a screen test if they had a gal like me in the love scene. But, but you're right, she's right, honey.
With a dame like her, we could clean up. You ain't kidding, pal. With me in the scene, when you yelled lights, camera, action, they'd really get at you. If you know what I mean. Yeah. Okay, you got something there, boss. A gold mine, a very pretty gold mine. This dough we've been chiseling out of the rack, it'll be chicken feed compared to what we can do.
Oh, there's an awful lot of goons with dough that would really go for this phony setup with a decoy like her. Hey, you can say that again, boss. You don't have to say it again, chums. We got it down the first time. Hey, we've been framed. Yeah, you guys may not have a record, but we do. Don't we, Sheriff? Sheriff!
We got the proof we need on this here record machine. Enough to send you up for 20 years. 20 years? But we... Hello, Pope, you got us all wrong. All we've been doing is making a legitimate moving picture. I know, fellas. And this is the end. In just a moment, we shall return to the adventures of Macy. And now, once again, here's Maisie.
Well, that would have stopped the Fontaine's phony talent scout racket. After the law stepped in, they took pictures, too. Only these were strictly front and side view. And all the folks that were gypped out of their life savings got their money back and they learned their lesson to examine before they found it.
A skunk can always be mistaken for a pussycat unless you get real close. And I hope those crooks will come out of jail sadder but wiser. Well, I gotta be on my way again. And my shoes are killing me. Maybe those hillbillies got the right idea after all. You've just heard The Adventures of Macy, starring Ann Southern.
May Z was written by Arthur Phillips. Original music was composed and conducted by Harry Zimmerman. Supporting cast included Bea Benadaret, Will Wright, Sammy Hill, Peter Leeds, Bob Cole, and Gerald Moore. Hiya, baby. Say, how about the... Ouch! Does that answer your question, buddy? Adventures of Macy, starring Ann Southern.
You all remember Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer's famous Maisie picture. In just a moment, you'll hear Maisie in radio, starring the same glamorous star you all went to see and loved on the screen and Southern. But first, your announcer. And now here's Ann Southern as they see. Yep, I'm Maisie, like the club said, Maisie Bevere. Just a gal from Brooklyn who's faced more of life than court.
Frankly there's nothing unusual about me. If you saw me walking down the street you wouldn't give me a second look. And if you did you'd be wasting your time. Yep, I traveled all over the country and worked at all kinds of jobs. Right now I'm returning from a job I had in a department. store out west. I was in the notions department and I quit because the far walker also had notions.
With all the seats available, I had to plunk myself down alongside one of those women with the baby. It had the face of an angel and lungs like an air raid siren. This child didn't cry all the time, just when he was awake. Oh, no, darling. Shh. You can't read when you cry. You can still play with the knife, lady. Yeah, little man. And do, Maisie, another small favor, will you? Stop drooling into my purse. My lipstick is starting to flow. Madam, please do something, will ya?
He's been yelling so much I'm not able to wind up with cauliflower eardrums. Oh, what's the name of your baby crying? It can't be unless his little stomach has no memory. Ten minutes ago, he ate half my salami sandwich. I'll take him just as soon as I finish the story. I'm reading him. You don't mind holding him on your lap, do you? Well, I didn't mind it through Nevada, Montana, Colorado. But Junior did get a little heavy through Kansas. Here, Mama, he's all yours. Thank you.
I'm going to find a seat at Paula. Paula, darling, now her. It's only a two-day hour, then we'll be back with Paula. And you can draw a hand up for a while. Pardon me, miss. Is the seat taken? No. No, it isn't. Thanks. Um, just care for some gum? No, thanks. Was anything wrong, honey? No. Everything's just... just standing.
Oh, now don't cry, honey. Oh, your eyes. Here, use my handkerchief. Uh-oh. I don't have one. That baby's mother ran short of equipment, so she grabbed in my handkerchief. Baby! I said, you don't understand. I'm going to have one. Well, don't take on so. Oh, it's not that. It's... Oh, miss, miss, I mean, missus, don't, don't, um, conductor, conductor!
Huh? Yes, ma'am, what is it? Oh, what's wrong with her? She painted. Stop the train. Just because she painted? Well, don't you understand? We've got to get her to a doctor at once. Stop the train. She's gonna have a baby. Oh, but she can't. She only bought one ticket. I mean, we've got a schedule to keep. Yeah, but this dog can't read a train schedule. Nobody can, for that matter. Stop this.
Train immediately. You can't, miss. Hey, let go of that emergency course. Oh, now we're going to do it. Oh, never mind that. Pull your head out of my suitcase and help me with this girl. I'm getting her to a hospital. Yeah, but... She's gonna be there when the baby arrives. The mother is always there when the baby arrives. I mean to the hospital. Come on, honey.
What happened? Save your strength, honey. You're gonna need all of it. We'll get you to the nearest hospital if I have to carry you there. Oh! Come back! Come back! Oh, don't waste your strength calling for the train, honey. If you want to yell, wait till a car comes up the road. Oh, this is awful! We're miles and miles away from everything. Well, we're going to live to the nearest town soon. You just lie down and rest till one comes along. Oh, this is awful. Awful. Awful.
Here, take this. What do I want with a pencil? Just bite on it. It's supposed to ease the pain. But I don't have any pain. You don't. But you're supposed to. It's important. Try, honey. Try and have some pain. Just a little. I've been trying to tell you. The baby. I'm not going to have it now. Well, I hope not. You must wait till we get to a doctor. No, it won't be born for eight months. Now, don't talk, honey. It's...
What? I tried to tell you, but you rushed me off the train. Oh, brother. Well, that's me. Never wait till the last minute. Well, look, I'll walk to the nearest town and send your husband a telegram to come and get you. Oh, no, no, no, no. He mustn't know where I am. You see, I'm... I'm running away. Running away? Oh, he beat you, huh? Tom does not beat me.
He's wonderful. Well, if he's so wonderful, why are you running away? And what about the baby? The one you're going to have sometime. Doesn't that make a difference? Well, that's why I'm running away. He's had too many expenses already. The baby? No. Tom doesn't make much money. And you don't know what it's like to have to count your panties. Yes, I do, honey. Look, I've got Betty.
This is Betty Grace. Oh, well, I made you to be a miss. Oh, look, Betty, I know I've interfered in your life enough already, but I think you're making a big mistake. Run away rather than tell your husband that he's going to be a father. Well, how did you know I didn't tell him? Maybe you're the kind of woman who's only enjoyment out of life is feeling sorry for herself. But don't you say that the money, the car...
Tom and me always broke. We never got to go anyplace. Well, maybe when the baby's born, you won't want to. Gosh, do you really think... Well, it's worth a try, isn't it? Come on, we'll get a lift home somehow. And I'm going with you to see that you don't talk yourself out of it again. I don't think I will. Gosh, Maisie. How do you know so much about, you know, a kid needing a father, mother? Oh, that's simple, honey. I happen to know all about parents. You see, I never had any.
Oh, then it's all right, Tommy, about the baby. All right, it's wonderful. It's terrific. Gosh, gosh, imagine me with a son. Well, what else? It'll be a boy, won't it? Well, I'll try. Really, I will. Well, your wife can't guarantee the make, Tommy. After all, you're dealing with a firm that's just starting in business. Oh, well, it doesn't have to be a boy. Girls are wonderful, too. After all, Maisie, you're a girl. The most wonderful girl in the world. If it hadn't been for you, Maisie...
You've been an angel. Yeah. Yeah, what you've done was a miracle. How can we ever repay you? Oh, skip it, kids. This one's on the house. Well, I guess I'll be shoving off. Where are you going? You told me you have no place to go and no money. Maisie, I have a little money. Oh, no, that's really a time, but save it for your man-child. You know, babies are all born with one nasty habit. Nasty habit? What? So long now. I've got lots of money. You have? Yeah. I'm loaded. Well, you sure sound like...
You been celebrating in advance, Tommy? Oh, I mean it, Betty, honey. Right after you left, it came in my GI insurance re... A hundred and thirty-seven bucks. A hundred and thirty-seven dollars? Yeah. Hey, Tommy, you're a millionaire. Oh, honey, we'll save our money. All we'll get are just the bare necessities. Like, well, like that new car.
Oh, yeah, and that beautiful grand piano we saw in the window. Yeah, some bare necessities, I'll say. But don't you two kids realize that having a baby is expensive? They are? Oh gosh, how would I know? I never had a baby before. Very few men do. Doctors charge money to deliver babies. Yes, that's right. And my doctor said I was going to have a big one. About eight or nine pounds. Gosh.
How much will that cost? Well, who knows? Doctors don't charge for the pound. And you'll need money for emergencies. Babies sometimes get sick. They do? Oh, my goodness! Yeah, what you kids need to do is save that GI insurance, though. You're right, Major, you're right. Betty, honey, here's the check. You take care of the money. Oh, no, no, no, darling. Oh, I wouldn't trust myself. Money just always just slips through my face.
Oh, mine too. I can't hold on to a dime. Oh, that's silly. I know if I had that kind of loot, I'd know how to save it. And every other hunk of change that came into the family piggy bank. You can? Gee, Maisie, would you? What I want. Take care of our money. Save it for us. Please. What? Well, we couldn't pay you much to be our secretary of the treasury. But you could have your room and board free, and you could sleep on the couch in the living room. Oh, well, this is a new one.
I've worked as a babysitter, but this is the first time I've ever been offered a job as a money sitter. You'll do it, won't you? And the baby. Oh, look at you both being silly. Oh, poor kitty. You may get sick with a fever. Need money for doctors. A specialist. And the money won't be there. We spent it all. Oh, look, now. Look at him. Lying in this crib. So tiny and so helpless. He ate serum. It's expensive.
It's got to be flown from Washington. We have to charter a plane, but there's a storm all over the country. And the pilot won't take a chance unless he gets paid for it, the rat. My poor, poor child. His fever's going up. He's got to have that serum. He's just got to. Okay, okay, honey, I'll do it. But I just thought of one horrible thing. What's that? Well, suppose a kid don't catch that sickness and we don't need to charter a plane. We'll be stuck with all that money.
The Adventures of Macy, starring Ann Southern, will continue in just a moment. And now, back to Amazing. Uh, I figure, fart, fart. Oh, I'm sorry, chum, no dimes for a cup of coffee. My business manager said I should, uh, just... Well, if at any age, Lieutenant Porter. At ease, Sergeant Grayson. The war's over. You don't have to sell it to me anymore. Yes, sir. I mean, Lieutenant. I mean, Mr. Porter. Oh, good God.
Things are pretty tough for you, pal. Oh, don't let this threadbare suit of mine throw you, pal. I'll be out of it soon. Well, looks like you're almost out of it in a couple of places now, Harry. Say it for a couple of bucks or less. Oh, thanks, kid, thanks. What I need ain't a couple. It's a couple of thousand. Oh, sorry, chum, my businessman. Don't carry around that kind of cash. She thinks I might spend it foolish.
Smart girl. But I'm going to get the money. I'm on my way now to the bank. The vice president, Mr. Thomas, practically promised to lend it to me. Oh, he did, huh? Well, I'd better get to Maisie fast and tell her to deposit my GI insurance check someplace else. She's at the bank now opening an account for her.
And if they'll lend you that kind of cash, I ain't got much faith in the safety of my dough. Oh, the bank isn't worried about its money, chum. They know they'll get it back with interest. Mr. Thomas is a man with vision. He has a head on his shoulders. Sounds like he's got two heads on his shoulders. Well, I'm glad that Thomas isn't like you, Tommy. He doesn't think building a bridge in Hawaii is too much of a gamble. A bridge, huh?
Hey, say, Harry, while we were over there during the war, you were working on that bridge-building proposition, weren't you? Uh-huh. As an engineer in civilian life, I realized that could be done there. And that's the reason. For the condition of my wardrobe. You see, I spent every time working on getting that franchise to build. And now I got it. With government backing. We leave for Hawaii just as soon as I get to see Thomas at the bank.
He's loaning me plane fare to fly my workers over there. Well, you lucky devil. Going to Hawaii, huh? Yeah. Say, Tommy. Why don't you come along? Uh-uh. My business manager won't go for the expense. Well, what I meant is I'll be needing a foreman out there when I build. I'll give you a hundred a week. You just hired yourself a foreman, sir. Oh, boy, wait till I get home and tell the wife that our kid will be able to afford sicknesses that poor kids can't even get a chance at. And when do we...
Just as soon as I see Mr. Thomas and get that long. Oh, sure. Oh, Harry, why don't you come up to the house for dinner tonight? I, um, I want you to meet my little mother. and also the smartest little dame with a buck, Maisie. Oh, brother, the way she looks after the safety of my money. There's a gal that don't throw money away. Oh, a Republican, huh? See you later, Foreman.
Yes, miss? My secretary said you insisted on seeing me here in my office. That's right, Mr. Thomas. I'm thinking of opening an account in this bank for a... Client of mine. But before I do, I must make certain that my money is absolutely safe. Oh, this amount you have is a large sum. I'm the one that asks the questions, Mr. Thomas. After all, I never did business with you before. And I'm not so sure you're the type to be kind.
I'm not? No. To me, your eyes are a little too close together. Well, I can't help it, miss. I come from a poor family, and I grew up in a very narrow room. Now look, miss, you can't go wrong leaving your money with ourselves. Oh, well, it isn't my money. That's why I'm so careful. It belongs to an ex-soldier. Oh. Now, how much do you want to open this account with? The whole check. One hundred and thirty-seven dollars. You're kidding.
Can't handle that much, huh? We'll have to divvy it up amongst our branches. Yes? What is it, Miss Peters? There's a Mr. Harry Porter to tell you about that bridge loan. Okay, send him in. Right. And now miss that our little bank passed the honesty test. I hope you'll excuse me. You can go to any of the windows outside, and any one of our little army of busy beavers will be glad to open that account for you. Well, not so fast, Mr. Thomas.
If you're going to give a man a loan, I'd like to stay right here and make sure that he deserves it. After all, you may be loaning him my 137 bucks. Miss, believe me, this Mr. Porter knows what he's doing. Yeah. Back to you. And I've made up my mind to loan him the money to get to Hawaii with his crew and build that bridge. But you'll have to prove to me that it's a good bridge before I come across. Miss, this is none of your affair, so if you don't mind, I...
Come in. Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Thomas. Ready to give me that loan, I take it? You won't take it till we make sure you deserve it. Oh, is this your wife, Mr. Thomas? Heaven forbid. Miss, I've some important business to discuss. If you want to waste somebody's time, please waste the vice president. Oh, is he in charge of new deposits? They're also in charge of saying that when depositors are forced to stand in line, that they refrain from staring into each other's deposit books. A good day.
Well, okay, if you think it's safe. Well, Mr. Thomas, I'm all set to go. I've hired my foreman already, and now all I need is that loan we discussed so I can get started building my bridge in Hawaii. Yes, Mr. Porter, we've given it a lot of thought. Uh, but... It's not enough. What's the idea of building a bridge in Hawaii? Why don't you build it here where the people can see what they're getting for their money? Miss, please keep your two cents out of this. I will. And my $137, too.
You should be ashamed of yourself, Mr. Thomas, gambling your poor depositor's money on this. Bum. A bum? Miss, just because my clothes are a bit shabby doesn't mean that I'm a bum. Mr. Tom. If you go ahead and loan out your trusting depositors' money to this... Bum, you'll be sorry. Be sorry? But you've got to give me a chance to make good. I know I'm nothing right now, but remember the old saying, giant oaks from acorns come. Oh, what's an acorn? Just a nut. Mr. Thomas.
Maybe this is not a five-bit. Just maybe. It isn't my friend's hundred and thirty-seven bucks I'm worrying about. It's all the money poor folks have left here in your care. Yes, but banks do business by loaning money. That's what we're here for. If we don't loan money, we don't make money. Just as I thought. Nothing but a selfish attitude. Mr. Thomas, I've heard enough from Ms. Scruble. No, you haven't. Mr. Thomas!
If you go ahead and give this fly-by-night character the depositor's money, I'll go from door to door and tell each one to get their money out before it's too late. But that'll start a run on the bank. We'll be ruined. Better you than those poor schnooks that put their life savings in your keeping. Well, Mr. Thomas? Mr. Thomas? Good day, Mr. Porter.
Maisie! Maisie, for God's sake, aren't you dressed yet? Tommy's new boss will be here for dinner any minute, Maisie. Do hurry! I'm doing the best I can, but it isn't easy to get dressed in the kitchen closet. I've been so dark in here for the last five minutes. I thought I was brushing my hair, but it turned out to be your flower mob. Oh, that must be the boss now. I'll get it.
Hiya, boss. You're just in time for dinner. How about a little something first? What do you have? Make mine an arsenic and soda. Arsenic? Exactly. Strong, Mr. Porter? This is the little woman, boss. The mother of my son to me. Oh, it's wonderful to meet you, sir. And I want to thank you for what you're doing for my Tommy. Frankly, Mrs. Grayson, there's nothing to thank me for. Tell me about that job again. Oh, I quit that. I told the old boss what he could do with his old job.
Quit it. And we're all set to leave for Tommy's new job. Maisie, help me pack. Maisie? Yeah, my business management pal, she's our little fixin'. Uh, thanks, but I've had all the little fixers I can take for one day. A little lady fixer fixed it, so we ain't going to Hawaii. Not going? But I thought it was all set. It was. But a certain nosy body unsaid it. Talked the bank right out of giving me the loan. Oh, just wait till I get my hands on that dame. Oh, this is terrible! Terrible!
We need advice. We're bad. Maisie! Maisie! I'll be with you in a second. I got my stockings on backwards again. Say, that voice. It sounds familiar. Maisie! Maisie, come out right away. Something terrible's happened. The bank didn't give that bridge loan to Mr. Porter. Oh, that's a terrible thing for a bank to give. Porter? old skinny guy? Yeah. How did you know? Oh, I just took a stab in the dark.
And right now, if I had a knife, I'd like to take another. Maisie, Maisie, this is serious. Now that that job of mine is all off, I have no future. Yeah, come on out, Maisie. I'd rather stay in here. I'd like to have a... Oh, come on now. We need advice. And we need bad. Then I'm your girl. There ain't nobody can give as bad advice as me. Come on, gal. MAZIE! Hello all! You like my new hairdo? But it's combed right down over your kissing.
Yes, Maisie, and I can't see your face. I'm glad. Well, folks, I think I'll skip dinner. I got a date. I think I'll run now. She is the name that's responsible for all this mess. No, I'm sure I'll run. You did it? My franchise to build that bridge expires tomorrow, and I have to be in Hawaii by then with my crew or else. See, now you've spoiled everything. Well, but I only did it to protect your money.
I didn't think it was fair to loan a total stranger millions of dollars that didn't even belong to the bank to build a bridge. Millions of dollars? Yeah. But Maisie, Mr. Porter didn't want to borrow millions. All I wanted was a couple of thousand to get my crew over to Hawaii. Only a couple of thousand? Yeah, the government's backing the actual construction.
Oh, gosh. Why did you say so, Mr. Porter? Why? You didn't ask me. But I couldn't think of everything. I'm no genius, you know. I think you are. You're just being sweet. A genius at messing things up. Well, that takes talent, too. Oh, Maisie, how could... No, it's too late. Yeah, and where can we get 2,000 bucks just like that? Oh, hell, that's easy. From Mr. Thomas at the bank. Miss your stupid...
Banks close at three, and now it's seven. And no banker ever opens his bank for loans at this hour. But Mr. Thomas might come down and open his bank if somebody calls him and tells him she thinks his bank is being robbed. But his bank isn't being robbed. Well, how am I supposed to know that, Mr. Potter? Like you said, I'm stupid. In just a moment, we shall return to the adventures of Macy. Thank you. And now what? Okay, I'm ahead.
Well, when Mr. Thomas came rushing down to his bank after I called and found out it was just a trick, he saw red. But Mr. Porter saw green. $3,000 worth. The next morning, he, Betty, and their crew chartered a plane and flew to Hawaii. They wanted me to join them there in two weeks. I can't leave for 30 days, the judge said.
Yeah, that's what I got for standing in a false alarm. And Betty and Tom are so grateful. They said they were going to give their kid my name. They might just as well, because for the next month I won't be using it. I got a number instead. Well, it's time for chow now. So I might as well get in line and see what the chef has dreamed of today to turn our little stuff up there. You have just heard The Adventures of Macy, starring Ann Southern.
May Z was written by Arthur Phillips. Original music was composed and conducted by Harry Zimmerman. Supporting cast included Elvia Allman, Frank Nelson, Lorene Tuttle, Jerry Hausner, Byron Kane, and Peter Leeds. Jack McCoy. And that's this week's Mutual Presents feature. The Mutual Audio Network brings the best of old-time radio and modern audio theater to the world.
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